Seneca: APOCOLOCYNTOSIS

[1] Quid actum sit in caelo ante diem III idus Octobris anno novo, initio saeculi felicissimi, volo memoriae tradere. Nihil nec offensae nec gratiae dabitur. Haec ita vera si quis quaesiverit unde sciam, primum, si noluero, non respondebo.

[1] What was transacted in heaven on the day 3 before the Ides of October, in the new year, at the inception of the most felicitous age, I wish to consign to memory. Nothing shall be given either to offense or to favor. If anyone should ask how I know these things to be thus true, first, if I do not wish, I will not answer.

Quis coacturus est? Ego scio me liberum factum, ex quo suum diem obiit ille, qui verum proverbium fecerat, aut regem aut fatuum nasci oportere. Si libuerit respondere, dicam quod mihi in buccam venerit.

Who is going to coerce me? I know that I was made free, since he died—the one who had made a true proverb, that one ought to be born either a king or a fool. If it pleases me to respond, I will say whatever comes into my mouth.

Quis unquam ab historico iuratores exegit? Tamen si necesse fuerit auctorem producere, quaerito ab eo qui Drusillam euntem in caelum vidit: idem Claudium vidisse se dicet iter facientem "non passibus aequis." Velit nolit, necesse est illi omnia videre, quae in caelo aguntur: Appiae viae curator est, qua scis et divum Augustum et Tiberium Caesarem ad deos isse. Hunc si interrogaveris, soli narrabit: coram pluribus nunquam verbum faciet.

Who has ever demanded jurors from a historian? Yet if it should be necessary to produce an authority, ask it of him who saw Drusilla going into heaven: the same man will say that he saw Claudius too making the journey “not with equal paces.” Willing or unwilling, it is necessary for him to see everything that is done in heaven: he is curator of the Appian Way, by which you know both the deified Augustus and Tiberius Caesar went to the gods. If you question this man, he will tell it to one person only; in the presence of more than one he will never say a word.

Nam ex quo in senatu iuravit se Drusillam vidisse caelum ascendentem et illi pro tam bono nuntio nemo credidit, quod viderit, verbis conceptis affirmavit se non indicaturum, etiam si in medio foro hominem occisum vidisset. Ab hoc ego quae tum audivi, certa clara affero, ita illum salvum et felicem habeam.

For ever since he swore in the Senate that he had seen Drusilla ascending to heaven, and no one gave him credit for so good a message, he affirmed in set formula that he would not disclose what he had seen, even if he had seen a man slain in the middle of the Forum. From this man I bring forward, sure and clear, the things I then heard, so may I have him safe and fortunate.

[2] Iam Phoebus breviore via contraxerat arcum
lucis, et obscuri crescebant tempora somni,
iamque suum victrix augebat Cynthia regnum,
et deformis hiemps gratos carpebat honores
divitis autumni, iussoque senescere Baccho
carpebat raras serus vindemitor uvas.

[2] Already Phoebus had contracted the arch of light by a shorter way,
and the times of obscure sleep were increasing,
and now Cynthia, the victress, was augmenting her own kingdom,
and misshapen winter was plucking the pleasing honors
of wealthy autumn, and, with Bacchus ordered to grow old,
the late grape-gatherer was plucking the rare grapes.

Puto magis intellegi, si dixero: mensis erat October, dies III idus Octobris. Horam non possum certam tibi dicere, facilius inter philosophos quam inter horologia conveniet, tamen inter sextam et septimam erat. Nimis rustice!

I think it will be better understood, if I say: it was the month of October, the 13th of October. I cannot tell you the exact hour; it will be easier to bring philosophers into agreement than clocks, nevertheless it was between the sixth and the seventh. Too rustic!

<Adeo his> adquiescunt omnes poetae, non contenti ortus et occasus describere ut etiam medium diem inquietent, tu sic transibis horam tam bonam?

<So much to these> do all the poets acquiesce, not content to describe sunrises and sunsets, that they even unsettle the middle of the day; will you thus pass over so good an hour?

Iam medium curru Phoebus diviserat orbem:
et propior nocti fessas quatiebat habenas
obliquo flexam deducens tramite lucem:

Already Phoebus had divided the orb with his chariot at the middle:
and, nearer to night, he was shaking the weary reins,
drawing down the light, bent along an oblique track:

Claudius animam agere coepit nec invenire exitum poterat.

Claudius began to be dying, and was not able to find an exit.

[3] Tum Mercurius, qui semper ingenio eius delectatus esset, unam e tribus Parcis seducit et ait: "Quid, femina crudelissima, hominem miserum torqueri pateris? Nec unquam tam diu cruciatus cesset? Annus sexagesimus [et] quartus est, ex quo cum anima luctatur.

[3] Then Mercury, who had always been delighted by his wit, draws aside one of the three Fates and says: "Why, most cruel woman, do you allow the wretched man to be tormented? And shall his torment never cease for so long? It is the 64th year [and] he has been wrestling with his soul since then.

Quid huic et rei publicae invides? Patere mathematicos aliquando verum dicere, qui illum, ex quo princeps factus est, omnibus annis, omnibus mensibus efferunt. Et tamen non est mirum si errant et horam eius nemo novit; nemo enim unquam illum natum putavit.

Why do you begrudge this man and the commonwealth? Allow the mathematicians (astrologers) to tell the truth for once, who, since he became emperor, carry him out every year, every month. And yet it is not marvelous if they err and no one knows his hour; for no one ever thought that he was born.

Fac quod faciendum est:

Do what must be done:

'Dede neci, melior vacua sine regnet in aula.'"

'Give to death; let a better man reign in the hall, vacant without him.'"

Sed Clotho "ego mehercules" inquit "pusillum temporis adicere illi volebam, dum hos pauculos, qui supersunt, civitate donaret (constituerat enim omnes Graecos, Gallos, Hispanos, Britannos togatos videre), sed quoniam placet aliquos peregrinos in semen relinqui et tu ita iubes fieri, fiat." Aperit tum capsulam et tres fusos profert: unus erat Augurini, alter Babae, tertius Claudii. "Hos" inquit "tres uno anno exiguis intervallis temporum divisos mori iubebo, nec illum incomitatum dimittam. Non oportet enim eum, qui modo se tot milia hominum sequentia videbat, tot praecedentia, tot circumfusa, subito solum destitui.

But Clotho said, "By Hercules, I wanted to add a tiny bit of time for him, while he might grant citizenship to these few who remain (for he had resolved to see all the Greeks, Gauls, Spaniards, and Britons toga-clad); but since it pleases you that some foreigners be left for seed, and you so order it to be done, let it be done." Then she opens the capsule and brings forth three spindles: one was Augurinus’s, another Baba’s, the third Claudius’s. "These three, divided within one year by slight intervals of time, I will order to die, nor will I send him off unaccompanied. For it is not proper that he, who just now used to see so many thousands of men following him, so many going before, so many surrounding him, should suddenly be abandoned alone."

Contentus erit his interim convictoribus."

He will for the time being be content with these dinner-companions."

[4] Haec ait et turpi convolvens stamina fuso
abrupit stolidae regalia tempora vitae.
At Lachesis redimita comas, ornata capillos,
Pieria crinem lauro frontemque coronans,
candida de niveo subtemina vellere sumit
felici moderanda manu, quae ducta colorem
assumpsere novum. Mirantur pensa sorores:
mutatur vilis pretioso lana metallo,
aurea formoso descendunt saecula filo.

[4] She said this, and, winding the strands on a foul spindle,
she broke off the regal spans of a stolid life.
But Lachesis, her locks wreathed, her hair adorned,
crowning her hair and forehead with Pierian laurel,
takes white weft-threads from a snowy fleece,
to be guided by a felicitous hand; which, drawn out, assumed
a new color. The sisters marvel at the spinnings:
the cheap wool is changed into precious metal,
golden ages descend by a beautiful thread.

Nec modus est illis, felicia vellera ducunt
et gaudent implere manus, sunt dulcia pensa.
Sponte sua festinat opus nulloque labore
mollia contorto descendunt stamina fuso.
Vincunt Tithoni, vincunt et Nestoris annos.

Nor is there measure for them, they draw the felicitous fleeces
and they rejoice to fill their hands, the tasks are sweet.
Of their own accord the work hastens, and with no labor
soft threads descend from the twisted spindle.
They outlast Tithonus, and they outlast the years of Nestor.

Phoebus adest cantuque iuvat gaudetque futuris,
et laetus nunc plectra movet, nunc pensa ministrat.
Detinet intentas cantu fallitque laborem.
Dumque nimis citharam fraternaque carmina laudant,
plus solito nevere manus, humanaque fata
laudatum transcendit opus.

Phoebus is present and with song he helps and rejoices in things to come,
and, glad, now he moves the plectra, now he tends the spinnings.
He holds them intent with song and beguiles their labor.
And while they too much praise the cithara and their brother’s songs,
the hands spun more than usual, and the lauded work
surpassed human fates.

"Ne demite, Parcae"
Phoebus ait "vincat mortalis tempora vitae
ille, mihi similis vultu similisque decore
nec cantu nec voce minor. Felicia lassis
saecula praestabit legumque silentia rumpet.
Qualis discutiens fugientia Lucifer astra
aut qualis surgit redeuntibus Hesperus astris,
qualis cum primum tenebris Aurora solutis
induxit rubicunda diem, Sol aspicit orbem
lucidus, et primos a carcere concitat axes:
talis Caesar adest, talem iam Roma Neronem
aspiciet.

"Do not take away, Parcae"
Phoebus says "let that man conquer the spans of mortal life,
he, like to me in countenance and like in comeliness,
nor lesser in song nor in voice. He will bestow happy ages upon the weary
and will break the silences of the laws.
Such as, shaking off the fleeing stars, Lucifer,
or such as Hesperus rises with the returning stars,
such as when, the darkness first loosed, ruddy Dawn has brought in the day,
the Sun, lucid, looks upon the orb,
and urges on the first axles from the starting-gate:
such a Caesar is at hand; such a Nero Rome will now
behold.

Flagrat nitidus fulgore remisso
vultus, et adfuso cervix formosa capillo."

The visage blazes, nitid, with softened effulgence,
and the neck, fair, with hair poured down."

Haec Apollo. At Lachesis, quae et ipsa homini formosissimo faveret, fecit illud plena manu, et Neroni multos annos de suo donat. Claudium autem iubent omnes

Apollo said these things. But Lachesis, who herself too favored the most handsome man, did that with a full hand, and donates to Nero many years from her own. But all of them order Claudius

χαίροντας, εὐφημοῦντας ἐκπέμπειν δόμων.

to escort forth from the house, rejoicing and uttering words of good omen.

Et ille quidem animam ebulliit, et ex eo desiit vivere videri. Exspiravit autem dum comoedos audit, ut scias me non sine causa illos timere. Ultima vox eius haec inter homines audita est, cum maiorem sonitum emisisset illa parte, qua facilius loquebatur: "vae me, puto, concacavi me." Quod an fecerit, nescio: omnia certe concacavit.

And indeed he boiled out his soul, and from then ceased to seem to live. He expired, moreover, while listening to comedians, so that you may know I do not fear them without cause. His last words heard among men were these, after he had emitted a greater sound from that part by which he spoke more easily: "woe is me, I think I have crapped myself." Whether he did so, I do not know: he certainly befouled everything.

[5] Quae in terris postea sint acta, supervacuum est referre. Scitis enim optime, nec periculum est ne excidant memoriae quae gaudium publicum impresserit: nemo felicitatis suae obliviscitur. In caelo quae acta sint, audite: fides penes auctorem erit.

[5] The things that on earth were done thereafter, it is superfluous to recount. For you know full well, nor is there danger lest those things which have impressed a public joy slip from memory: no one forgets his own felicity. What was done in heaven, listen: faith will be with the author.

Nuntiatur Iovi venisse quendam bonae staturae, bene canum; nescio quid illum minari, assidue enim caput movere; pedem dextrum trahere. Quaesisse se, cuius nationis esset: respondisse nescio quid perturbato sono et voce confusa; non intellegere se linguam eius, nec Graecum esse nec Romanum nec ullius gentis notae. Tum Iuppiter Herculem, qui totum orbem terrarum pererraverat et nosse videbatur omnes nationes, iubet ire et explorare, quorum hominum esset.

It is announced to Jupiter that a certain man had come, of good stature, very gray‑haired; that he was threatening I know not what, for he was assiduously moving his head; that he was dragging his right foot. He had asked of what nation he was: he had replied I know not what, with a perturbed tone and a confused voice; he did not understand his language, and it was neither Greek nor Roman nor of any noted nation. Then Jupiter orders Hercules, who had traversed the whole orb of the lands and seemed to know all nations, to go and explore to which people he belonged.

Tum Hercules primo aspectu sane perturbatus est, ut qui etiam non omnia monstra timuerit. Ut vidit novi generis faciem, insolitum incessum, vocem nullius terrestris animalis sed qualis esse marinis beluis solet, raucam et implicatam, putavit sibi tertium decimum laborem venisse. Diligentius intuenti visus est quasi homo.

Then Hercules at the first sight was truly perturbed, as one who had not even feared all the monsters. When he saw a face of a new kind, an unusual gait, a voice of no terrestrial animal but such as is wont to belong to marine beasts, hoarse and entangled, he thought a thirteenth labor had come to him. Looking more carefully, it seemed to him as if a man.

Accessit itaque et quod facillimum fuit Graeculo, ait:

He therefore approached and, what was easiest for a Greekling, said:

τίς πόθεν εἰς ἀνδρῶν, ποίη πόλις ἠδὲ τοκῆες;

Who and whence among men are you, of what city and parents?

Claudius gaudet esse illic philologos homines, sperat futurum aliquem historiis suis locum. Itaque et ipse Homerico versu Caesarem se esse significans ait:

Claudius rejoices that there are philologists there, he hopes there will be some place for his histories. And so he himself, signifying by a Homeric verse that he is Caesar, says:

Ἰλιόθεν με φέρων ἄνεμος Κικόνεσσι πέλασσεν

A wind bearing me from Ilium brought me near to the Cicones

Erat autem sequens versus verior, aeque Homericus:

However, the following verse was truer, equally Homeric:

ἔνθα δ᾽ ἐγὼ πόλιν ἔπραθον, ὤλεσα δ᾽ αὐτούς.

There I sacked the city, and destroyed them.

[6] Et imposuerat Herculi minime vafro nisi fuisset illic Febris, quae fano suo relicto sola cum illo venerat: ceteros omnes deos Romae reliquerat. "Iste " inquit "mera mendacia narrat. Ego tibi dico, quae cum illo tot annis vixi: Luguduni natus est, Marci municipem vides.

[6] And he would have imposed upon Hercules, not at all wily, if Fever had not been there, who, having left her own fane, had come alone with him: he had left all the other gods at Rome. "That fellow," she says, "tells mere lies. I tell you, I who lived with him for so many years: He was born at Lugdunum; you see a fellow-townsman of Marcus."

Quod tibi narro, ad sextum decimum lapidem natus est a Vienna, Gallus germanus. Itaque quod Gallum facere oportebat, Romam cepit. Hunc ego tibi recipio Luguduni natum, ubi Licinus multis annis regnavit.

What I tell you: he was born at the sixteenth milestone from Vienne, a genuine Gaul. And so, what it behooved a Gaul to do, he took Rome. This man I vouch to you as born at Lugdunum, where Licinus reigned for many years.

Tu autem, qui plura loca calcasti quam ullus mulio perpetuarius, Lugudunenses scire debes, et multa milia inter Xanthum et Rhodanum interesse." Excandescit hoc loco Claudius et quanto potest murmure irascitur. Quid diceret, nemo intellegebat, ille autem Febrim duci iubebat, illo gestu solutae manus et ad hoc unum satis firmae, quo decollare homines solebat, iusserat illi collum praecidi. Putares omnes illius esse libertos: adeo illum nemo curabat.

But you, who have trodden more places than any lifelong muleteer, ought to know the Lugdunenses, and that many miles intervene between the Xanthus and the Rhone." At this point Claudius blazes up and grows irate with as much murmur as he can. What he was saying, no one understood; he, however, was ordering Fever to be led away, with that gesture of his loosened hand, and for this one thing steady enough, with which he was wont to decollate men; he had ordered her neck to be cut off. You would think all were his freedmen: so little did anyone care about him.

[7] Tum Hercules "audi me" inquit "tu desine fatuari. Venisti huc, ubi mures ferrum rodunt. Citius mihi verum, ne tibi alogias excutiam." Et quo terribilior esset, tragicus fit et ait:

[7] Then Hercules says, "listen to me; you stop playing the fool. You have come here where mice gnaw iron. Quickly, the truth for me, lest I shake the nonsense out of you." And in order to be more terrifying, he becomes tragic and says:

"Exprome propere, sede qua genitus cluas,
hoc ne peremptus stipite ad terram accidas;
haec clava reges saepe mactavit feros.
Quid nunc profatu vocis incerto sonas?
Quae patria, quae gens mobile eduxit caput?

"Express promptly, the seat where you are reputed to have been begotten,
lest, slain by this club, you fall to the earth;
this club has often slaughtered fierce kings.
What now do you sound forth with an uncertain utterance of voice?
What fatherland, what people has led out your wandering head?

Edissere. Equidem regna tergemini petens
longinqua regis, unde ab Hesperio mari
Inachiam ad urbem nobile advexi pecus,
vidi duobus imminens fluviis iugum,
quod Phoebus ortu semper obverso videt,
ubi Rhodanus ingens amne praerapido fluit,
Ararque dubitans, quo suos cursus agat,
tacitus quietis adluit ripas vadis.
Estne illa tellus spiritus altrix tui?

Expound. Indeed, seeking the distant realms of the three-bodied king,
from where, from the Hesperian sea, to the Inachian city I conveyed the noble cattle,
I saw a ridge looming over two rivers,
which Phoebus sees, his rising ever turned toward it,
where the mighty Rhone flows with a very swift stream,
and the Arar, hesitating where it should drive its courses,
silently bathes the quiet banks with its shallows.
Is that the land the nurse of your spirit?

Haec satis animose et fortiter, nihilo minus mentis suae non est et timet μωροῦ πληγήν. Claudius ut vidit virum valentem, oblitus nugarum intellexit neminem Romae sibi parem fuisse, illic non habere se idem gratiae: gallum in suo sterquilino plurimum posse. Itaque quantum intellegi potuit, haec visus est dicere: "Ego te, fortissime deorum Hercule, speravi mihi adfuturum apud alios, et si qui a me notorem petisset, te fui nominaturus, qui me optime nosti. Nam si memoria repetis, ego eram qui tibi ante templum tuum ius dicebam totis diebus mense Iulio et Augusto.

These things he says quite spiritedly and bravely; nonetheless he is not in his right mind and fears a μωροῦ πληγήν, a fool’s blow. When Claudius saw a strong man, forgetful of trifles he understood that no one at Rome had been equal to him, but that there he did not have the same favor: a cock can do very much on his own dungheap. And so, so far as it could be understood, he seemed to say these things: "I, Hercules, bravest of the gods, hoped you would stand by me among others; and if anyone had asked me for a witness from me, I was going to name you, who know me best. For if you call it to memory, I was the one who dispensed justice for you before your temple all day long in the months July and August."

Tu scis, quantum illic miseriarum tulerim, cum causidicos audirem diem et noctem, in quod si incidisses, valde fortis licet tibi videaris, maluisses cloacas Augeae purgare: multo plus ego stercoris exhausi. "Sed quoniam volo" . . . [lacuna]

You know how many miseries I bore there, when I listened to advocates day and night; and if you had fallen into that, although you may seem very brave to yourself, you would have preferred to cleanse the sewers of Augeas: I scooped out much more dung. "But since I wish" . . . [lacuna]

[8] . . . "non mirum quod in curiam impetum fecisti: nihil tibi clausi est. Modo dic nobis, qualem deum istum fieri velis. Ἐπικούρειος θεός non potest esse: οὔτε αὐτὸς πρᾶγμα ἔχει τι οὔτε ἄλλοις παρέχει; Stoicus?

[8] . . . "no wonder that you made an assault upon the curia: nothing is shut to you. Only tell us what sort of god you wish that fellow to be made. An Epicurean god he cannot be: neither does he himself have any business nor does he provide any to others; a Stoic?"

Quomodo potest 'rotundus' esse, ut ait Varro, 'sine capite, sine praeputio'? Est aliquid in illo Stoici dei, iam video: nec cor nec caput habet. Si mehercules a Saturno petisset hoc beneficium, cuius mensem toto anno celebravit, Saturnalicius princeps, non tulisset illud, nedum ab Iove, quem quantum quidem in illo fuit, damnavit incesti. Silanum enim generum suum occidit propterea quod sororem suam, festivissimam omnium puellarum, quam omnes Venerem vocarent, maluit Iunonem vocare.

How can he be “rotund,” as Varro says, “without a head, without a prepuce”? There is something of that Stoic god in him, I already see: he has neither heart nor head. If, by Hercules, he had asked this beneficium from Saturn, whose month he celebrated through the whole year, the Saturnalian princeps would not have borne it—much less from Jove, whom, so far as lay in him, he condemned for incest. For he killed his son-in-law Silanus for this reason: that he preferred to call his sister—most delightful of all girls, whom everyone called Venus—Juno.

'Quare' inquis' quaero enim, sororem suam?' Stulte, stude : Athenis dimidium licet, Alexandriae totum. 'Quia Romae' inquis 'mures molas lingunt.' Hic nobis curva corrigit? quid in cubiculo suo faciat, nescio, et iam 'caeli scrutatur plagas'? Deus fieri vult: parum est quod templum in Britannia habet, quod hunc barbari colunt et ut deum orant μωροῦ εὐιλὰτου τυχεῖν;"

'Why,' you say 'for I ask, his own sister?' Fool, apply yourself: at Athens half is permitted, at Alexandria the whole. 'Because in Rome,' you say, 'the mice lick the meal-cakes.' Does he set us straight here? what he does in his bedchamber, I do not know, and now he 'scrutinizes the regions of the sky'? He wants to become a god: it is too little that he has a temple in Britain, that the barbarians worship this man and pray to him as to a god to obtain μωροῦ εὐιλὰτου τυχεῖν;

[9] Tandem Iovi venit in mentem, privatis intra curiam morantibus [senatoribus non licere] sententiam dicere nec disputare. "Ego" inquit "p. c. interrogare vobis permiseram, vos mera mapalia fecistis. Volo ut servetis disciplinam curiae.

[9] At last it came into Jupiter’s mind that, with private persons lingering inside the curia, [it is not permitted to the senators] to state an opinion nor to dispute. “I,” he says, “Conscript Fathers, had allowed you to ask questions; you have turned it into mere mapalia (hovels). I want you to keep the discipline of the curia.”

Hic qualiscunque est, quid de nobis existimabit? Illo dimisso primus interrogatur sententiam Ianus pater. Is designatus erat in kal.

This man, whatever sort he is, what will he think of us? With that one dismissed, Father Janus is first asked for his opinion. He had been designated on the Kalends.

Iulias postmeridianus consul, homo quantumvis vafer, qui semper videt a ἅμα πρόσσω καὶ ὀπίσσω. Is multa diserte, quod in foro vivebat, dixit, quae notarius persequi non potuit, et ideo non refero, ne aliis verbis ponam, quae ab illo dicta sunt. Multa dixit de magnitudine deorum: non debere hunc vulgo dari honorem. "Olim" inquit "magna res erat deum fieri: iam Fabam mimum fecistis.

Julius, the postmeridian consul, a man however wily, who always sees at once forwards and backwards. He said many things eloquently, since he lived in the forum, which the notary could not follow; and therefore I do not report them, lest I set in other words what was said by him. He spoke much about the magnitude of the gods: that this honor ought not to be given to the common crowd. "Once," he said, "it was a great matter to become a god: now you have made it a Faba mime."

Itaque ne videar in personam, non in rem dicere sententiam, censeo ne quis post hunc diem deus fiat ex his, qui ἀρούρης καρπὸν ἔδουσιν aut ex his, quos alit ζείδωρος ἄρουρα. Qui contra hoc senatus consultum deus factus, dictus pictusve erit, eum dedi Larvis et proximo munere inter novos auctoratos ferulis vapulare placet." Proximus interrogatur sententiam Diespiter Vicae Potae filius, et ipse designatus consul, nummulariolus: hoc quaestu se sustinebat, vendere civitatulas solebat. Ad hunc belle accessit Hercules et auriculam illi tetigit. Censet itaque in haec verba: "Cum divus Claudius et divum Augustum sanguine contingat nec minus divam Augustam aviam suam, quam ipse deam esse iussit, longeque omnes mortales sapientia antecellat, sitque e re publica esse aliquem qui cum Romulo possit 'ferventia rapa vorare,' censeo uti divus Claudius ex hac die deus sit, ita uti ante eum qui optimo iure factus sit, eamque rem ad Metamorphosis Ovidi adiciendam." Variae erant sententiae, et videbatur Claudius sententiam vincere.

Therefore, lest I seem to give an opinion against the person rather than the matter, I propose that after this day no one become a god from among those who eat the fruit of the field, or from among those whom the grain-giving field nourishes. Whoever, contrary to this senatorial decree, shall have been made, called, or painted a god, it pleases that he be handed over to the Larvae, and at the next show, among the new volunteer-gladiators, be thrashed with canes. Next is asked for his opinion Diespiter, son of Vica Pota, himself consul designate, a little money-changer: he supported himself by this trade; he used to sell little “citizenships.” To him Hercules nicely came up and touched his ear. He therefore proposes in these words: Since the divine Claudius is related by blood to the divine Augustus, and no less to the divine Augusta his grandmother, whom he himself ordered to be a goddess, and far excels all mortals in wisdom, and since it is to the advantage of the commonwealth that there be someone who, with Romulus, can “gobble boiling turnips,” I propose that the divine Claudius from this day be a god, just as before him the one who with best right was made; and that this matter be added to the Metamorphoses of Ovid. Opinions were varied, and it seemed that Claudius was winning the vote.

Hercules enim, qui videret ferrum suum in igne esse, modo huc modo illuc cursabat et aiebat: "Noli mihi invidere, mea res agitur: deinde tu si quid volueris, in vicem faciam; manus manum lavat."

For Hercules, who saw that his iron was in the fire, was running now here, now there, and kept saying: "Do not envy me; my business is at issue: then you—if you will anything—I will do it in turn; one hand washes hand."

[10] Tunc divus Augustus surrexit sententiae suae loco dicendae, et summa facundia disseruit: "Ego" inquit "p.c. vos testes habeo, ex quo deus factus sum, nullum me verbum fecisse: semper meum negotium ago. Sed non possum amplius dissimulare, et dolorem, quem graviorem pudor facit, continere. In hoc terra marique pacem peperi?

[10] Then the deified Augustus rose to deliver his opinion in his allotted place, and with the highest eloquence discoursed: "I," he said, "Conscript Fathers, have you as witnesses that, since I was made a god, I have not uttered a single word: I always attend to my own business. But I can no longer dissemble, nor contain the grief which modesty makes the heavier. For this did I bring forth peace on land and sea?

Ideo civilia bella compescui? Ideo legibus urbem fundavi, operibus ornavi, ut—quid dicam p. c. non invenio: omnia infra indignationem verba sunt. Confugiendum est itaque ad Messalae Corvini, disertissimi viri, illam sententiam 'pudet imperii.' Hic, p.c., qui vobis non posse videtur muscam excitare, tam facile homines occidebat, quam canis adsidit.

Was it for this that I restrained civil wars? Was it for this that I founded the city with laws, adorned it with works, that—what I should say, Conscript Fathers, I do not find: all words are beneath my indignation. One must therefore take refuge in that sententia of Messalla Corvinus, a most eloquent man: 'I am ashamed of the command.' This man, Conscript Fathers, who seems to you not to be able to rouse a fly, used to kill men as easily as a dog sits down.

Sed quid ego de tot ac talibus viris dicam? Non vacat deflere publicas clades intuenti domestica mala. Itaque illa omittam, haec referam; nam etiam si soror mea Graece nescit, ego scio: ἔγγιον γόνυ κνήμης. Iste quem videtis, per tot annos sub meo nomine latens, hanc mihi gratiam rettulit, ut duas Iulias proneptes meas occideret, alteram ferro, alteram fame; unum abnepotem L. Silanum, videris, Iuppiter, an in causa mala, certe in tua, si aequus futurus es. Dic mihi, dive Claudi, quare quemquam ex his, quos quasque occidisti, antequam de causa cognosceres, antequam audires, damnasti?

But why should I speak of so many and such men? It is no time to bewail public calamities when one is beholding domestic evils. Therefore I will omit those, and I will recount these; for even if my sister does not know Greek, I know: “the knee is nearer than the shin.” That fellow whom you see, hiding under my name for so many years, has paid me back this grace, that he killed two Julias, my great-granddaughters—one by the sword, the other by hunger; one great-grandson, L. Silanus—you be the judge, Jupiter, whether he was in a bad case; surely in your own, if you are going to be equitable. Tell me, divine Claudius, why did you condemn anyone of those men and those women whom you killed, before you examined the case, before you heard them?

Hoc ubi fieri solet? In caelo non fit.

Where is this wont to be done? It does not happen in heaven.

[11] "Ecce Iuppiter, qui tot annos regnat, uni Volcano crus fregit, quem

[11] "Behold Jupiter, who has ruled for so many years, broke the leg of Vulcan alone, whom

ῥίψε ποδὸς τεταγὼν ἀπὸ βηλοῦ θεσπεσίοιο

he hurled him, having seized by the foot, from the wondrous threshold

et iratus fuit uxori et suspendit illam: numquid occidit? Tu Messalinam, cuius aeque avunculus maior eram quam tuus, occidisti. 'Nescio' inquis.

and he was angry with his wife and suspended her: did he kill her? You killed Messalina, of whom I was just as much the great-uncle as I am yours. 'I do not know,' you say.

Di tibi male faciant: adeo istuc turpius est, quod nescisti, quam quod occidisti. C. Caesarem non desiit mortuum persequi. Occiderat ille socerum: hic et generum.

May the gods do you ill: so much more disgraceful is this—that you did not know—than that you killed.
He did not cease to persecute Gaius Caesar, even dead.
That man had killed his father-in-law; this one even his son-in-law.

Gaius Crassi filium vetuit Magnum vocari: hic nomen illi reddidit, caput tulit. Occidit in una domo Crassum, Magnum, Scriboniam, +Tristionias, Assarionem,+ nobiles tamen, Crassum vero tam fatuum, ut etiam regnare posset. Hunc nunc deum facere vultis?

Gaius forbade the son of Crassus to be called “Great”: this man restored the name to him, carried off the head. He killed in one house Crassus, Magnus, Scribonia, +Tristionias, Assarion,+ nobles nonetheless; Crassus, in truth, so fatuous that he could even reign. Do you now wish to make this man a god?

Videte corpus eius dis iratis natum. Ad summam, tria verba cito dicat, et servum me ducat. Hunc deum quis colet?

Behold his body, born with the gods irate. To sum up, let him say three words quickly, and let him take me as a slave. Who will worship this god?

Quis credet? Dum tales deos facitis, nemo vos deos esse credet. Summa rei, p. c., si honeste [me] inter vos gessi, si nulli clarius respondi, vindicate iniurias meas.

Who will believe it? While you make such gods,
no one will believe you to be gods. The sum of the matter, Conscript Fathers, if I have conducted [myself] honorably among you,
if I have given no one a clearer reply, vindicate my injuries.

Ego pro sententia mea hoc censeo:" atque ita ex tabella recitavit: "quandoquidem divus Claudius occidit socerum suum Appium Silanum, generos duos Magnum Pompeium et L. Silanum, socerum filiae suae Crassum Frugi, hominem tam similem sibi quam ovo ovum, Scriboniam socrum filiae suae, uxorem suam Messalinam et ceteros quorum numerus iniri non potuit, placet mihi in eum severe animadverti, nec illi rerum iudicandarum vacationem dari, eumque quam primum exportari, et caelo intra triginta dies excedere, Olympo intra diem tertium." Pedibus in hanc sententiam itum est. Nec mora, Cyllenius illum collo obtorto trahit ad inferos, [a caelo]

I, for my opinion, thus judge:" and thus he read from a tablet: "since the deified Claudius killed his father-in-law Appius Silanus, his two sons-in-law Magnus Pompeius and L. Silanus, the father-in-law of his daughter Crassus Frugi, a man as similar to himself as an egg to an egg, Scribonia, the mother-in-law of his daughter, his own wife Messalina, and the others whose number could not be reckoned, it pleases me that he be severely dealt with, and that no exemption from judging cases be granted to him, and that he be exported as soon as possible, and depart from heaven within thirty days, from Olympus within the third day." They went to this opinion by foot. No delay, the Cyllenian drags him with his neck twisted down to the underworld, [from heaven]

[illuc] unde negant redire quemquam.

[thither] whence they deny that anyone returns.

[12] Dum descendunt per viam sacram, interrogat Mercurius, quid sibi velit ille concursus hominum, num Claudii funus esset. Et erat omnium formosissimum et impensa cura, plane ut scires deum efferri: tubicinum, cornicinum, omnis generis aenatorum tanta turba, tantus concentus, ut etiam Claudius audire posset. Omnes laeti, hilares: populus Romanus ambulabat tanquam liber, Agatho et pauci causidici plorabant, sed plane ex animo.

[12] While they go down along the Sacred Way, Mercury asks what that concourse of men might mean, whether it were Claudius’s funeral. And it was the most beautiful of all and with lavish care, plainly such that you would know a god was being borne out: of trumpeters, horn-blowers, brass-players of every sort so great a throng, so great a concert, that even Claudius could hear. All were glad, cheerful: the Roman people walked as if free, Agatho and a few advocates were weeping, but plainly from the heart.

Iurisconsulti e tenebris procedebant, pallidi, graciles, vix animam habentes, tanquam qui tum maxime reviviscerent. Ex his unus cum vidisset capita conferentes et fortunas suas deplorantes causidicos, accedit et ait: "dicebam vobis: non semper Saturnalia erunt." Claudius ut vidit funus suum, intellexit se mortuum esse. Ingenti enim μεγάλῳ χορικῷ nenia cantabatur anapaestis:

Jurisconsults were proceeding out of the darkness, pale, slender, scarcely having a breath, as if they were then most of all coming back to life. Of these one, when he had seen the advocates putting their heads together and bewailing their fortunes, approaches and says: "I used to tell you: it will not always be Saturnalia." When Claudius saw his own funeral, he understood that he was dead. For a dirge was being sung in anapaests by a mighty chorus.

"Fundite fletus, edite planctus,
resonet tristi clamore forum:
cecidit pulchre cordatus homo
quo non alius fuit in toto
fortior orbe.
Ille citato vincere cursu
poterat celeres, ille rebelles
fundere Parthos levibusque sequi
Persida telis, certaque manu
tendere nervum, qui praecipites
vulnere parvo figeret hostes,
pictaque Medi terga fugacis.
Ille Britannos ultra noti
litora ponti
et caeruleos scuta Brigantas
dare Romuleis colla catenis
iussit et ipsum nova Romanae
iura securis tremere Oceanum.

"Pour out tears, bring forth lamentations,
let the forum resound with a sad clamor:
a fair and wise-hearted man has fallen
than whom no other was in the whole
orb stronger.
He, with hastened course, could overcome
the swift; he the rebellious
Parthians to rout, and with light missiles to pursue
the Persian, and with a sure hand
to draw the string, so that headlong
enemies he would fix with a small wound,
and the painted backs of the fugitive Mede.
He the Britons beyond the shores
of the known sea
and the blue-shielded Brigantes
to give their necks to Romulean chains
ordered, and made Ocean itself
tremble at the new laws of the Roman axe.

Deflete virum, quo non alius
potuit citius discere causas,
una tantum parte audita,
saepe et neutra. Quis nunc iudex
toto lites audiet anno?
Tibi iam cedet sede relicta,
qui dat populo iura silenti,
Cretaea tenens oppida centum.

Lament the man, than whom no other
could more swiftly learn causes,
with only one side heard,
often with neither. What judge now
will hear suits for the whole year?
He will now yield to you, his seat relinquished,
you who give laws to the silent people,
holding the hundred Cretan towns.

Caedite maestis pectora palmis,
O causidici, venale genus.
Vosque poetae lugete novi,
vosque in primis qui concusso
magna parastis lucra fritillo."

Beat your breasts with mournful palms,
O advocates, venal race.
And you new poets, lament,
and you especially, who with the shaken
dice-box have amassed great lucre."

[13] Delectabatur laudibus suis Claudius, et cupiebat diutius spectare. Inicit illi manum Talthybius deorum [nuntius] et trahit capite obvoluto, ne quis eum possit agnoscere, per campum Martium, et inter Tiberim et viam tectam descendit ad inferos. Antecesserat iam compendiaria Narcissus libertus ad patronum excipiendum, et venienti nitidus, ut erat a balineo, occurrit et ait: "Quid di ad homines?" "Celerius" inquit Mercurius "et venire nos nuntia." Dicto citius Narcissus evolat.

[13] Claudius was delighted by his own praises, and he desired to watch longer. Talthybius, the gods’ [messenger], lays a hand on him and drags him with his head wrapped, lest anyone could recognize him, through the Campus Martius, and between the Tiber and the Covered Way he descends to the Underworld. The freedman Narcissus, by a shortcut, had already gone on ahead to receive his patron, and meeting him, gleaming as he was from the bath, he runs up and says: “What news do the gods bring to men?” “More quickly,” says Mercury, “and announce that we are coming.” Quicker than the word, Narcissus flies off.

Omnia proclivia sunt, facile descenditur. Itaque quamvis podagricus esset, momento temporis pervenit ad ianuam Ditis, ubi iacebat Cerberus vel ut ait Horatius "belua centiceps." Pusillum perturbatur—subalbam canem in deliciis habere adsueverat—ut illum vidit canem nigrum, villosum, sane non quem velis tibi in tenebris occurrere, et magna voce "Claudius" inquit "veniet." Cum plausu procedunt cantantes: εὑρήκαμεν, συγχαίρομεν. Hic erat C. Silius consul designatus, Iuncus praetorius, Sex. Traulus, M. Helvius, Trogus, Cotta, Vettius Valens, Fabius equites R. quos Narcissus duci iusserat.

Everything slopes downward; it is easy to descend. And so, although he was gouty, in a moment of time he arrived at the gate of Dis, where Cerberus lay, or, as Horace says, the "hundred-headed beast." He is a little disturbed—for he had been accustomed to keep a somewhat whitish dog as a pet—when he saw that black, shaggy dog, truly not one you would wish to meet in the dark; and with a loud voice, "Claudius," he says, "will come." With applause they advance, singing: "We have found; we rejoice." Here were C. Silius, consul designate, Iuncus, of praetorian rank, Sex. Traulus, M. Helvius, Trogus, Cotta, Vettius Valens, Fabius, Roman knights, whom Narcissus had ordered to be led.

Medius erat in hac cantantium turba Mnester pantomimus, quem Claudius decoris causa minorem fecerat. Ad Messalinam—cito rumor percrebuit Claudium venisse—convolant: primi omnium liberti Polybius, Myron, Arpocras, Amphaeus, Pheronactus, quos Claudius omnes, necubi imparatus esset, praemiserat. Deinde praefecti duo Iustus Catonius et Rufrius Pollio.

In the midst of this
crowd of singers was Mnester the pantomime-actor, whom Claudius, for the sake of decorum, had demoted.
To Messalina—they quickly spread the rumor that Claudius had come—they flock: first
of all the freedmen Polybius, Myron, Arpocras, Amphaeus, Pheronactus, whom Claudius,
all of them, had sent ahead, lest he be unprepared anywhere. Then the two prefects, Iustus Catonius and
Rufrius Pollio.

Deinde amici Saturninus Lusius et Pedo Pompeius et Lupus et Celer Asinius consulares. Novissime fratris filia, sororis filia, generi, soceri, socrus, omnes plane consanguinei. Et agmine facto Claudio occurrunt.

Then the friends Saturninus Lusius and Pedo Pompeius and Lupus and Celer Asinius, consulars.
Last of all, the brother’s daughter, the sister’s daughter, the sons-in-law, the fathers-in-law, the mother-in-law, all plainly consanguine relations.
And, a column having been formed, they go to meet Claudius.

Quos cum vidisset Claudius, exclamat πάντα φίλων πλήρη quomodo huc venistis vos?" Tum Pedo Pompeius: "Quid dicis, homo crudelissime? Quaeris, quomodo? Quis enim nos alius huc misit quam tu, omnium amicorum interfector?

When Claudius saw them, he exclaims, "Everything is full of friends—how did you all come here?" Then Pedo Pompeius: "What are you saying, most cruel man? You ask, how? For who else sent us here than you, the slayer of all your friends?"

In ius eamus, ego tibi hic sellas ostendam."

"Let us go into court, I will show you the benches here."

[14] Ducit illum ad tribunal Aeaci: is lege Cornelia quae de sicariis lata est, quaerebat. Postulat, nomen eius recipiat; edit subscriptionem: occisos senatores XXXV, equites R. CCXXI, ceteros ὅσα ψάμαθός τε κόνις τε. Advocatum non invenit. Tandem procedit P. Petronius, vetus convictor eius, homo Claudiana lingua disertus, et postulat advocationem.

[14] He leads him to the tribunal of Aeacus: he was conducting an inquiry under the Cornelian law which was passed concerning assassins. He demands that his name be received; he produces the subscriptio: senators slain 35, Roman equestrians 221, the rest—as many as sand and dust. He does not find an advocate. At length P. Petronius steps forward, his old table-companion, a man eloquent in the Claudian tongue, and requests an adjournment.

Non datur. Accusat Pedo Pompeius magnis clamoribus. Incipit patronus velle respondere.

It is not granted. Pedo Pompeius accuses with great clamors. The patron begins to want to respond.

Aeacus, homo iustissimus, vetat, et illum altera tantum parte audita condemnat et ait: αἴκε πάθοις τά ἔρεξας, δίκη εὐθεῖα γένοιτο. Ingens silentium factum est. Stupebant omnes novitate rei attoniti, negabant hoc unquam factum. Claudio magis iniquum videbatur quam novum.

Aeacus, a most just man, forbids it, and, with only the other side having been heard, condemns him and says: “If you were to suffer the things you did, straight justice would result.” A vast silence came about. All stood stupefied, thunderstruck at the novelty of the affair; they declared this had never been done. To Claudius it seemed more inequitable than new.

De genere poenae diu disputatum est, quid illum pati oporteret. Erant qui dicerent, Sisyphum [satis] diu laturam fecisse, Tantalum siti periturum nisi illi succurreretur, aliquando Ixionis miseri rotam sufflaminandam. Non placuit ulli ex veteribus missionem dari, ne vel Claudius unquam simile speraret.

About the kind of punishment it was long disputed, what it was fitting that he should suffer. There were those who said that Sisyphus had done bearing-duty [enough] long enough, that Tantalus would perish of thirst unless he were succored, that at some point the wheel of wretched Ixion ought to be chocked. It did not please any of the old-timers that a discharge be given, lest even Claudius should ever hope for something similar.

Placuit novam poenam constitui debere, excogitandum illi laborem irritum et alicuius cupiditatis speciem sine effectu. Tum Aeacus iubet illum alea ludere pertuso fritillo. Et iam coeperat fugientes semper tesseras quaerere et nihil proficere.

It was decided that a new punishment should be instituted, that for him a fruitless labor be devised and an appearance of some cupidity without effect. Then Aeacus orders him to play at dice with a perforated dice-box. And already he had begun to chase the ever-fleeing dice and to accomplish nothing.

[15] Nam quotiens missurus erat resonante fritillo,
utraque subducto fugiebat tessera fundo.
Cumque recollectos auderet mittere talos,
lusuro similis semper semperque petenti,
decepere fidem: refugit digitosque per ipsos
fallax adsiduo dilabitur alea furto.
Sic cum iam summi tanguntur culmina montis,
irrita Sisyphio volvantur pondera collo.

[15] For whenever he was about to cast with a resounding dice-box,
both dice would flee with the bottom withdrawn.
And when he dared to send the recollected knucklebones,
like one about to play and ever, ever seeking,
they deceived his trust: it takes flight, and through his very fingers
the fallacious die slips away by constant stealth.
Thus, when now the summits of the highest mountain are being touched,
ineffectual weights are rolled upon Sisyphus’s neck.

Apparuit subito C. Caesar et petere illum in servitutem coepit; producit testes, qui illum viderant ab illo flagris, ferulis, colaphis vapulantem. Adiudicatur C. Caesari; Caesar illum Aeaco donat. Is Menandro liberto suo tradidit, ut a cognitionibus esset.

Suddenly Gaius Caesar appeared and began to claim him into servitude; he produces witnesses, who had seen him being beaten by him with scourges, rods, and cuffs. He is adjudicated to Gaius Caesar; Caesar donates him to Aeacus. He handed him over to his freedman Menander, to be over the cognitions (judicial hearings).