Augustine: CONFESSIONES

deus meus, recorder in gratiarum actione tibi et confitear misericordias tuas super me. perfundantur ossa mea dilectione tua et dicant: 'domine, quis similis tibi?' dirupisti vincula mea: sacrificem tibi sacrificium laudis. quomodo dirupisti ea narrabo, et dicent omnes qui adorant te, cum audiunt haec, 'benedictus dominus in caelo et in terra; magnum et mirabile nomen eius.' inhaeserant praecordiis meis verba tua, et undique circumvallabar abs te. de vita tua aeterna certus eram, quamvis eam in aenigmate et quasi per speculum videram; dubitatio tamen omnis de incorruptibili substantia, quod ab illa esset omnis substantia, ablata mihi erat, nec certior de te sed stabilior in te esse cupiebam. de mea vero temporali vita nutabant omnia et mundandum erat cor a fermento veteri.

my God, let me remember in thanksgiving to you and confess your mercies over me. let my bones be drenched with your love and let them say: 'lord, who is like to you?' you have burst asunder my bonds: let me sacrifice to you a sacrifice of praise. how you burst them I will narrate, and all who adore you, when they hear these things, will say, 'blessed be the lord in heaven and on earth; great and marvelous is his name.' your words had clung to my inmost parts, and on every side I was encircled by you. of your eternal life I was certain, although I had seen it in an enigma and as if through a mirror; yet all doubt about the incorruptible substance, that from it is all substance, had been taken away from me, and I desired not to be more certain about you but to be more steadfast in you. but as for my temporal life, all things were wavering, and my heart had to be cleansed from the old leaven.

et placebat via ipse salvator, et ire per eius angustias adhuc pigebat. et immisisti in mentem meam visumque est bonum in conspectu meo pergere ad Simplicianum, qui mihi bonus apparebat servus tuus et lucebat in eo gratia tua. audieram etiam quod a iuventute sua devotissime tibi viveret; iam vero tunc senuerat et longa aetate in tam bono studio sectandae vitae tuae multa expertus, multa edoctus mihi videbatur: et vere sic erat.

And the Way himself, the Savior, was pleasing; yet it still irked me to go through his narrow straits. And you sent into my mind, and it seemed good in my sight, to go to Simplicianus, who appeared to me your good servant, and in him your grace was shining. I had also heard that from his youth he lived most devoutly for you; and by then he had grown old, and through long age, in so good a zeal for following your life, he seemed to me to have experienced many things and to have been much instructed—and truly so it was.

unde mihi ut proferret volebam conferenti secum aestus meos quis esset aptus modus sic affecto ut ego eram ad ambulandum in via tua.

whence I wished him to proffer to me, as he conferred with himself about my surges, what mode would be apt for one so affected as I was for walking in your way.

8.1.2

videbam enim plenam ecclesiam, et alius sic ibat, alius autem sic, mihi autem displicebat quod agebam in saeculo et oneri mihi erat valde, non iam inflammantibus cupiditatibus, ut solebant, spe honoris et pecuniae ad tolerandam illam servitutem tam gravem. iam enim me illa non delectabant prae dulcedine tua et decore domus tuae, quam dilexi, sed adhuc tenaciter conligabar ex femina, nec me prohibebat apostolus coniugari, quamvis exhortaretur ad melius, maxime volens omnes homines sic esse ut ipse erat. sed ego infirmior eligebam molliorem locum et propter hoc unum volvebar, in ceteris languidus et tabescens curis marcidis, quod et in aliis rebus quas nolebam pati congruere cogebar vitae coniugali, cui deditus obstringebar.

For I saw the church full, and one went thus, another so; but what I was doing in the saeculum displeased me and was a great burden to me, no longer with lusts inflaming, as they were wont, by the hope of honor and money to tolerate that so heavy servitude. For already those things did not delight me in comparison with your sweetness and the decor of your house, which I loved; yet I was still tenaciously bound by a woman, nor did the Apostle prohibit me to be conjoined in marriage, though he exhorted to the better, especially wishing all men to be as he himself was. But I, more infirm, was choosing the softer condition, and for this one thing I was being turned about, in other respects languid and wasting away with withered cares, because also in other matters which I was unwilling to undergo I was compelled to make them congruent with conjugal life, to which, devoted, I was being bound.

audieram ex ore veritatis esse spadones qui se ipsos absciderunt propter regnum caelorum, sed 'qui potest,' inquit, 'capere, capiat.' vani sunt certe omnes homines quibus non inest dei scientia, nec de his quae videntur bona potuerunt invenire eum qui est. at ego iam non eram in illa vanitate. transcenderam eam et contestante universa creatura inveneram te creatorem nostrum et verbum tuum apud te deum tecumque unum deum, per quod creasti omnia.

I had heard from the mouth of Truth that there are eunuchs who have cut themselves off for the sake of the kingdom of heaven; but, “he who can,” he says, “let him grasp it.” Vain indeed are all men in whom the knowledge of God is not, nor from the things which are seen as goods were they able to discover Him who Is. But I was now no longer in that vanity. I had transcended it, and, the whole creation bearing witness, I had found you, our Creator, and your Word with you—God—and with you one God, through whom you created all things.

et est aliud genus impiorum, qui cognoscentes deum non sicut deum glorificaverunt aut gratias egerunt. in hoc quoque incideram, et dextera tua suscepit me et inde ablatum posuisti ubi convalescerem, quia dixisti homini, 'ecce pietas est sapientia,' et, 'noli velle videri sapiens, quoniam dicentes se esse sapientes stulti facti sunt.' et inveneram iam bonam margaritam, et venditis omnibus quae haberem emenda erat, et dubitabam.

And there is another kind of impious men, who, knowing God, did not glorify him as God or give thanks. Into this too I had fallen, and your right hand took me up and, having been taken away from there, you placed me where I might convalesce, because you said to man, 'behold, piety is wisdom,' and, 'do not wish to seem wise, since, saying themselves to be wise, they became fools.' And I had already found the good pearl, and, all the things that I had having been sold, it had to be bought, and I was hesitating.

8.2.3

perrexi ergo ad Simplicianum, patrem in accipienda gratia tunc episcopi Ambrosii et quem vere ut patrem diligebat. narravi ei circuitus erroris mei. ubi autem commemoravi legisse me quosdam libros platonicorum, quos Victorinus, quondam rhetor urbis Romae, quem christianum defunctum esse audieram, in latinam linguam transtulisset, gratulatus est mihi quod non in aliorum philosophorum scripta incidissem plena fallaciarum et deceptionum secundum elementa huius mundi, in istis autem omnibus modis insinuari deum et eius verbum.

I proceeded therefore to Simplicianus, the father, in the receiving of grace, of the then Bishop Ambrose, and whom he truly loved as a father. I recounted to him the circuits of my error. But when I mentioned that I had read certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, once a rhetorician of the city of Rome, whom I had heard had died a Christian, had translated into the Latin tongue, he congratulated me that I had not fallen upon the writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies and deceptions according to the elements of this world, but that in these God and his Word are insinuated in all sorts of ways.

deinde, ut me exhortaretur ad humilitatem Christi sapientibus absconditam et revelatam parvulis, Victorinum ipsum recordatus est, quem Romae cum esset familiarissime noverat, deque illo mihi narravit quod non silebo. habet enim magnam laudem gratiae tuae confitendam tibi, quemadmodum ille doctissimus senex et omnium liberalium doctrinarum peritissimus quique philosophorum tam multa legerat et diiudicaverat, doctor tot nobilium senatorum, qui etiam ob insigne praeclari magisterii, quod cives huius mundi eximium putant, statuam Romano foro meruerat et acceperat, usque ad illam aetatem venerator idolorum sacrorumque sacrilegorum particeps, quibus tunc tota fere Romana nobilitas inflata spirabat, +popiliosiam+ et omnigenum deum monstra et Anubem latratorem, quae aliquando contra Neptunum et Venerem contraque Minervam tela tenuerant et a se victis iam Roma supplicabat, quae iste senex Victorinus tot annos ore terricrepo defensitaverat, non erubuerit esse puer Christi tui et infans fontis tui, subiecto collo ad humilitatis iugum et edomita fronte ad crucis opprobrium.

then, in order to exhort me to the humility of Christ hidden from the wise and revealed to little ones, he recalled Victorinus himself, whom he had known at Rome most intimately, and he told me about him something which I will not keep silent about. For it has great praise of your grace to be confessed to you: how that most learned old man, most skilled in all the liberal disciplines, and who had read and judged so many of the philosophers, the teacher of so many noble senators, who also, on account of the insignia of preeminent magistery—which the citizens of this world deem exceptional—had deserved and received a statue in the Roman Forum, up to that age a worshiper of idols and a participant in sacrilegious sacred rites, with which at that time almost the whole Roman nobility, puffed up, was breathing—populous and omnigenous monsters of the gods and the barking Anubis, which once had held weapons against Neptune and against Venus and against Minerva, and to whom, Rome now conquered by them, was supplicating—things which that old man Victorinus for so many years with an earth-rattling mouth had been defending—he was not ashamed to be a boy of your Christ and an infant of your font, with his neck subjected to the yoke of humility and his brow tamed to the reproach of the cross.

8.2.4

o domine, domine, qui inclinasti caelos et descendisti, tetigisti montes et fumigaverunt, quibus modis te insinuasti illi pectori? legebat, sicut ait Simplicianus, sanctam scripturam omnesque christianas litteras investigabat studiosissime et perscrutabatur, et dicebat Simpliciano, non palam sed secretius et familiarius, 'noveris me iam esse christianum.' et respondebat ille, 'non credam nec deputabo te inter christianos, nisi in ecclesia Christi videro.' ille autem inridebat dicens, 'ergo parietes faciunt christianos?' et hoc saepe dicebat, iam se esse christianum, et Simplicianus illud saepe respondebat, et saepe ab illo parietum inrisio repetebatur. amicos enim suos reverebatur offendere, superbos daemonicolas, quorum ex culmine Babylonicae dignitatis quasi ex cedris Libani, quas nondum contriverat dominus, graviter ruituras in se inimicitias arbitrabatur.

O Lord, Lord, who bent down the heavens and descended, you touched the mountains and they smoked—by what modes did you insinuate yourself into that breast? He was reading, as Simplicianus says, Holy Scripture, and he was investigating all Christian letters most studiously and searching them through, and he used to say to Simplicianus, not openly but more secretly and more familiarly, 'Know that I am already a Christian.' And he would answer, 'I will not believe nor reckon you among the Christians unless I shall have seen you in the Church of Christ.' But he would mock, saying, 'So, do walls make Christians?' And this he would often say—that he was already a Christian—and Simplicianus would often give that answer, and the mockery about the walls was often repeated by him. For he was fearing to offend his friends, proud demon‑worshipers, whose enmities he supposed would come crashing down upon him from the summit of Babylonian dignity, as if from the cedars of Lebanon, which the Lord had not yet crushed.

sed posteaquam legendo et inhiando hausit firmitatem timuitque negari a Christo coram angelis sanctis, si eum timeret coram hominibus confiteri, reusque sibi magni criminis apparuit erubescendo de sacramentis humilitatis verbi tui et non erubescendo de sacris sacrilegis superborum daemoniorum, quae imitator superbus acceperat, depuduit vanitati et erubuit veritati subitoque et inopinatus ait Simpliciano, ut ipse narrabat, 'eamus in ecclesiam: christianus volo fieri.' at ille non se capiens laetitia perrexit cum eo. ubi autem imbutus est primis instructionis sacramentis, non multo post etiam nomen dedit ut per baptismum regeneraretur, mirante Roma, gaudente ecclesia. superbi videbant et irascebantur, dentibus suis stridebant et tabescebant. servo autem tuo dominus deus erat spes eius, et non respiciebat in vanitates et insanias mendaces.

but after by reading and avidly yearning he imbibed firmness, and he feared to be denied by Christ before the holy angels, if he should fear to confess him before men; and he appeared to himself guilty of a great crime for blushing at the sacraments of the humility of your Word and not blushing at the sacred sacrileges of the proud daemons, which as a proud imitator he had received; he ceased to be bashful before vanity and blushed before the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly he said to Simplicianus, as he himself used to tell it, 'let us go into the church: I wish to become a Christian.' but he, not containing himself for joy, went on with him. and when he had been imbued with the first sacraments of instruction, not long after he also gave in his name that he might be regenerated through baptism, Rome marveling, the Church rejoicing. the proud saw and were angered, they gnashed their teeth and wasted away. but for your servant the Lord God was his hope, and he did not look toward vanities and lying insanities.

8.2.5

denique ut ventum est ad horam profitendae fidei, quae verbis certis conceptis retentisque memoriter de loco eminentiore in conspectu populi fidelis Romae reddi solet ab eis qui accessuri sunt ad gratiam tuam, oblatum esse dicebat Victorino a presbyteris ut secretius redderet, sicut nonnullis qui verecundia trepidaturi videbantur offerri mos erat; illum autem maluisse salutem suam in conspectu sanctae multitudinis profiteri. non enim erat salus quam docebat in rhetorica, et tamen eam publice professus erat. quanto minus ergo vereri debuit mansuetum gregem tuum pronuntians verbum tuum, qui non verebatur in verbis suis turbas insanorum?

Finally, when it came to the hour of professing the faith, which with fixed words, conceived and retained by memory, is accustomed to be rendered from a more eminent place in the sight of the faithful people of Rome by those who are about to approach your grace, he said that it had been offered to Victorinus by the presbyters to render it more secretly, as it was the custom to offer to some who seemed likely to tremble from modesty; but he preferred to profess his salvation in the sight of the holy multitude. For it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had publicly professed. How much less, then, ought he to have feared your gentle flock while pronouncing your word, he who did not fear, in his own words, the mobs of madmen?

itaque ubi ascendit ut redderet, omnes sibimet invicem, quisque ut eum noverat, instrepuerunt nomen eius strepitu gratulationis (quis autem ibi non eum noverat?) et sonuit presso sonitu per ora cunctorum conlaetantium, 'Victorinus, Victorinus.' cito sonuerunt exultatione, quia videbant eum, et cito siluerunt intentione, ut audirent eum. pronuntiavit ille fidem veracem praeclara fiducia, et volebant eum omnes rapere intro in cor suum. et rapiebant amando et gaudendo: hae rapientium manus erant.

and so, when he ascended to deliver it, all, each to each and to themselves, each as he knew him, clamored his name with a clamor of congratulation (for who there did not know him?), and there sounded with a pressed, subdued sound over the lips of all rejoicing, ‘Victorinus, Victorinus.’ quickly they rang out with exultation, because they saw him, and quickly they fell silent with intent attention, that they might hear him. he pronounced the true faith with splendid confidence, and all wanted to snatch him within into their heart. and they were snatching him by loving and rejoicing: these were the hands of the snatchers.

8.3.6

deus bone, quid agitur in homine, ut plus gaudeat de salute desperatae animae et de maiore periculo liberatae quam si spes ei semper adfuisset aut periculum minus fuisset? etenim tu quoque, misericors pater, plus gaudes de uno paenitente quam de nonaginta novem iustis quibus non opus est paenitentia. et nos cum magna iucunditate audimus, cum audimus quam exultantibus pastoris umeris reportetur ovis quae erraverat, et drachma referatur in thesauros tuos conlaetantibus vicinis mulieri quae invenit, et lacrimas excutit gaudium sollemnitatis domus tuae, cum legitur in domo tua de minore filio tuo quoniam 'mortuus erat et revixit, perierat et inventus est.' gaudes quippe in nobis et in angelis tuis sancta caritate sanctis.

good God, what is done in a human being, that he rejoices more over the salvation of a soul in despair and freed from greater peril than if hope had always been present to it or the peril had been less? for you too, merciful father, rejoice more over one penitent than over ninety-nine just persons to whom there is no need of repentance. and we with great delight listen, when we hear how the sheep that had gone astray is carried back upon the exultant shoulders of the shepherd, and the drachma is brought back into your treasuries, the neighbors rejoicing with the woman who found it, and the joy of the solemnity of your house shakes off tears, when it is read in your house about your younger son that 'he was dead and has lived again, he had perished and has been found.' for indeed you rejoice in us and in your angels, with holy charity for the holy.

nam tu semper idem, qui ea quae non semper nec eodem modo sunt eodem modo semper nosti omnia.

for you are always the same, who in the same mode always know all things which are not always nor in the same mode.

8.3.7

quid ergo agitur in anima, cum amplius delectatur inventis aut redditis rebus quas diligit quam si eas semper habuisset? contestantur enim et cetera et plena sunt omnia testimoniis clamantibus, 'ita est.' triumphat victor imperator, et non vicisset nisi pugnavisset, et quanto maius periculum fuit in proelio, tanto est gaudium maius in triumpho. iactat tempestas navigantes minaturque naufragium: omnes futura morte pallescunt: tranquillatur caelum et mare, et exultant nimis, quoniam timuerunt nimis.

What then is at work in the soul, when it delights more in things found or restored which it loves than if it had always possessed them? For the other things too bear witness, and all things are full of testimonies crying out, “so it is.” The victorious general triumphs, and he would not have conquered unless he had fought; and the greater the peril was in the battle, the greater is the joy in the triumph. The tempest tosses the navigators and threatens shipwreck: all grow pale at the death to come; the sky and the sea are made tranquil, and they exult exceedingly, because they feared exceedingly.

aeger est carus et vena eius malum renuntiat: omnes qui eum salvum cupiunt aegrotant simul animo: fit ei recte et nondum ambulat pristinis viribus, et fit iam tale gaudium quale non fuit cum antea salvus et fortis ambularet. easque ipsas voluptates humanae vitae etiam non inopinatis et praeter voluntatem inruentibus, sed institutis et voluntariis molestiis homines adquirunt. edendi et bibendi voluptas nulla est, nisi praecedat esuriendi et sitiendi molestia.

the sick man is dear and his pulse announces the malady: all who desire him safe fall ill together in spirit: it goes well with him and he does not yet walk with his former powers, and now there arises such joy as there was not when formerly, safe and strong, he used to walk. and those very pleasures of human life men acquire not by unexpected inrushings contrary to the will, but by instituted and voluntary troubles. there is no pleasure of eating and drinking, unless the distress of hungering and thirsting goes before.

et ebriosi quaedam salsiuscula comedunt, quo fiat molestus ardor, quem dum exstinguit potatio, fit delectatio. et institutum est ut iam pactae sponsae non tradantur statim, ne vile habeat maritus datam quam non suspiraverit sponsus dilatam.

and drunkards eat certain rather saltier tidbits, in order that a troublesome burning may arise; and as potation extinguishes it, there is delectation. and it is instituted that brides already betrothed are not handed over at once, lest the husband hold as cheap the one given, a bride whom the bridegroom has not sighed for, having been deferred.

8.3.8

hoc in turpi et exsecranda laetitia, hoc in ea quae concessa et licita est, hoc in ipsa sincerissima honestate amicitiae, hoc in eo qui mortuus erat et revixit, perierat et inventus est: ubique maius gaudium molestia maiore praeceditur. quid est hoc, domine deus meus, cum tu aeternum tibi, tu ipse, sis gaudium, et quaedam de te circa te semper gaudeant? quid est quod haec rerum pars alternat defectu et profectu, offensionibus et conciliationibus?

this in base and execrable rejoicing, this in that which is granted and licit, this in the most sincere honesty of friendship itself, this in him who was dead and lived again, had perished and was found: everywhere greater joy is preceded by greater distress. what is this, O Lord my God, since you yourself are to yourself eternal joy, and certain things of yours around you always rejoice? what is it that this part of things alternates with deficiency and advancement, with offenses and conciliations?

an is est modus earum et tantum dedisti eis, cum a summis caelorum usque ad ima terrarum, ab initio usque in finem saeculorum, ab angelo usque ad vermiculum, a motu primo usque ad extremum, omnia genera bonorum et omnia iusta opera tua suis quaeque sedibus locares et suis quaeque temporibus ageres? ei mihi, quam excelsus es in excelsis et quam profundus in profundis! et nusquam recedis, et vix redimus ad te.

Or is this their measure, and have you given them only so much, since from the highest of the heavens down to the lowest of the earth, from the beginning to the end of the ages, from angel to little worm, from the first motion to the extreme, you have placed all kinds of goods and all your just works in their respective seats and conduct each in its respective times? Alas for me, how exalted you are in the highest and how profound in the depths! and you withdraw nowhere, and we scarcely return to you.

8.4.9

age, domine, fac, excita et revoca nos, accende et rape, flagra, dulcesce: amemus, curramus. nonne multi ex profundiore tartaro caecitatis quam Victorinus redeunt ad te et accedunt et inluminantur recipientes lumen? quod si qui recipiunt, accipiunt a te potestatem ut filii tui fiant.

Come, Lord, do it; rouse and recall us, enkindle and snatch us, burn, grow sweet: let us love, let us run. Do not many return to you from a deeper Tartarus of blindness than Victorinus, and approach and are illuminated, receiving the light? And if there are any who receive, they receive from you the authority to become your sons.

sed si minus noti sunt populis, minus de illis gaudent etiam qui noverunt eos. quando enim cum multis gaudetur, et in singulis uberius est gaudium, quia fervefaciunt se et inflammantur ex alterutro. deinde quod multis noti, multis sunt auctoritati ad salutem et multis praeeunt secuturis, ideoque multum de illis et qui eos praecesserunt laetantur, quia non de solis laetantur.

But if they are less known to the peoples, those who know them also rejoice less on their account. For when there is rejoicing with many, in each individual the joy is more copious, because they make themselves seethe and are inflamed from one another. Then, because, being known to many, they are for many an authority unto salvation and go before many who will follow; and therefore those who have preceded them rejoice much over them, because they do not rejoice over them alone.

absit enim ut in tabernaculo tuo prae pauperibus accipiantur personae divitum aut prae ignobilibus nobiles, quando potius infirma mundi elegisti ut confunderes fortia, et ignobilia huius mundi elegisti et contemptibilia, et ea quae non sunt tamquam sint, ut ea quae sunt evacuares. et tamen idem ipse minimus apostolorum tuorum, per cuius linguam tua ista verba sonuisti, cum Paulus proconsul per eius militiam debellata superbia sub lene iugum Christi tui missus esset, regis magni provincialis effectus, ipse quoque ex priore Saulo Paulus vocari amavit ob tam magnae insigne victoriae. plus enim hostis vincitur in eo quem plus tenet et de quo plures tenet.

far be it, indeed, that in your tabernacle the persons of the rich be received before the poor, or the noble before the ignoble, when rather you chose the weak things of the world to confound the strong, and you chose the ignoble things of this world and the contemptible, and the things that are not as though they were, that you might evacuate the things that are. and yet that same least of your apostles, through whose tongue you sounded these words of yours, when the proconsul Paulus—his pride having been warred down through his soldiery—was sent under the gentle yoke of your Christ, having become a provincial of the great king, he too loved to be called Paul from his former Saul, as the insignia of so great a victory. for the enemy is more conquered in him whom he holds more, and by whom he holds more.

plus autem superbos tenet nomine nobilitatis et de his plures nomine auctoritatis. quanto igitur gratius cogitabatur Victorini pectus, quod tamquam inexpugnabile receptaculum diabolus obtinuerat, Victorini lingua, quo telo grandi et acuto multos peremerat, abundantius exultare oportuit filios tuos, quia rex noster alligavit fortem, et videbant vasa eius erepta mundari et aptari in honorem tuum et fieri utilia domino ad omne opus bonum.

Moreover, the proud are held more fast by the name of nobility, and of these more by the name of authority. How much more gratefully, then, was Victorinus’s breast thought of, which the devil had possessed as an impregnable receptacle; and Victorinus’s tongue, with which, as with a great and sharp weapon, he had slain many—how much more ought your sons to exult, because our King bound the strong man, and they saw his vessels, snatched away, being cleansed and fitted for your honor and made useful to the Lord for every good work.

8.5.10

sed ubi mihi homo tuus Simplicianus de Victorino ista narravit, exarsi ad imitandum: ad hoc enim et ille narraverat. posteaquam vero et illud addidit, quod imperatoris Iuliani temporibus lege data prohibiti sunt christiani docere litteraturam et oratoriam. quam legem ille amplexus, loquacem scholam deserere maluit quam verbum tuum, quo linguas infantium facis disertas.

But when your man Simplicianus told me these things about Victorinus, I burned to imitate—for to this very end he too had narrated it. Afterwards, indeed, he also added this: that in the times of the emperor Julian, by a law promulgated, Christians were prohibited to teach literature and oratory. Which law he embraced: he preferred to desert the loquacious school rather than your word, by which you make the tongues of infants eloquent.

non mihi fortior quam felicior visus est, quia invenit occasionem vacandi tibi, cui rei ego suspirabam, ligatus non ferro alieno sed mea ferrea voluntate. velle meum tenebat inimicus et inde mihi catenam fecerat et constrinxerat me. quippe ex voluntate perversa facta est libido, et dum servitur libidini, facta est consuetudo, et dum consuetudini non resistitur, facta est necessitas. quibus quasi ansulis sibimet innexis (unde catenam appellavi) tenebat me obstrictum dura servitus.

He seemed to me not so much braver as more fortunate, because he found an occasion of being free for you—something for which I was sighing—bound not by another’s iron but by my own iron will. My willing the enemy held, and from it he had made for me a chain and had constricted me. Indeed, from a perverted will there came lust; and while one serves lust, there came custom; and while custom is not resisted, there came necessity. By these, as by little links fastened to one another (whence I called it a chain), harsh servitude held me bound.

voluntas autem nova quae mihi esse coeperat, ut te gratis colerem fruique te vellem, deus, sola certa iucunditas, nondum erat idonea ad superandam priorem vetustate roboratam. ita duae voluntates meae, una vetus, alia nova, illa carnalis, illa spiritalis, confligebant inter se atque discordando dissipabant animam meam.

but the new will which had begun to be in me—that I might worship you freely and wish to enjoy you, O God, the sole sure delight—was not yet adequate to overcome the former, fortified by antiquity. thus my two wills, one old, the other new, the one carnal, the other spiritual, were conflicting with each other, and by their discord were dissipating my soul.

8.5.11

sic intellegebam me ipso experimento id quod legeram, quomodo caro concupisceret adversus spiritum et spiritus adversus carnem, ego quidem in utroque, sed magis ego in eo quod in me approbabam quam in eo quod in me improbabam. ibi enim magis iam non ego, quia ex magna parte id patiebar invitus quam faciebam volens, sed tamen consuetudo adversus me pugnacior ex me facta erat, quoniam volens quo nollem perveneram. et quis iure contradiceret, cum peccantem iusta poena sequeretur?

Thus I understood by my own experience what I had read, how the flesh lusted against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh, I indeed in both, but I was more myself in that which I approved in me than in that which I disapproved in me. For there I was now rather no longer myself, because for the most part I was suffering it unwillingly rather than doing it willingly; and yet habit, made out of me, had grown more pugnacious against me, since, willing, I had arrived where I was unwilling to be. And who would with right contradict, when a just penalty followed the sinner?

et non erat iam illa excusatio qua videri mihi solebam propterea me nondum contempto saeculo servire tibi, quia incerta mihi esset perceptio veritatis: iam enim et ipsa certa erat. ego autem adhuc terra obligatus militare tibi recusabam et impedimentis omnibus sic timebam expediri, quemadmodum impediri timendum est.

and that excuse was now no more, by which I used to seem to myself justified—namely, that I did not yet serve you, the world not yet being despised, because the perception of truth was uncertain to me; for even that itself was now certain. but I, still bound to the earth, refused to soldier for you, and I so feared to be freed from all impediments, as one ought to fear being impeded.

8.5.12

ita sarcina saeculi, velut somno adsolet, dulciter premebar, et cogitationes quibus meditabar in te similes erant conatibus expergisci volentium, qui tamen superati soporis altitudine remerguntur. et sicut nemo est qui dormire semper velit omniumque sano iudicio vigilare praestat, differt tamen plerumque homo somnum excutere cum gravis torpor in membris est, eumque iam displicentem carpit libentius quamvis surgendi tempus advenerit: ita certum habebam esse melius tuae caritati me dedere quam meae cupiditati cedere, sed illud placebat et vincebat, hoc libebat et vinciebat. non enim erat quod tibi responderem dicenti mihi, 'surge qui dormis et exsurge a mortuis, et inluminabit te Christus,' et undique ostendenti vera te dicere, non erat omnino quid responderem veritate convictus, nisi tantum verba lenta et somnolenta: 'modo,' 'ecce modo,' 'sine paululum.' sed 'modo et modo' non habebat modum et 'sine paululum' in longum ibat.

thus by the burden of the age, as is wont with sleep, I was sweetly pressed, and the thoughts with which I was meditating upon you were like the efforts of those who wish to rouse themselves, who yet, overcome by the height of sleep, sink back. and just as there is no one who wishes to sleep always, and in the sound judgment of all it is better to keep vigil, yet a man for the most part defers to shake off sleep when a heavy torpor is in the limbs, and, though it already displeases, he nibbles at it more willingly even though the time to rise has come: so I held as certain that it is better to give myself to your charity than to yield to my cupidity, but that pleased and prevailed, this was pleasurable and was prevailing. for I had nothing to answer you saying to me, 'arise, you who sleep, and rise from the dead, and Christ will illuminate you,' and showing me on every side that you speak true; convicted by the truth I had altogether nothing to answer, except only slow and somnolent words: 'presently,' 'see, presently,' 'just a little.' but 'presently and presently' had no limit and 'just a little' was going on into the long.

frustra condelectabar legi tuae secundum interiorem hominem, cum alia lex in membris meis repugnaret legi mentis meae et captivum me duceret in lege peccati quae in membris meis erat. lex enim peccati est violentia consuetudinis, qua trahitur et tenetur etiam invitus animus eo merito quo in eam volens inlabitur. miserum ergo me quis liberaret de corpore mortis huius nisi gratia tua per Iesum Christum, dominum nostrum?

in vain I was taking delight in your law according to the inner man, when another law in my members was resisting the law of my mind and was leading me captive in the law of sin which was in my members. for the law of sin is the violence of consuetude, by which the soul is dragged and held even unwilling, by that very merit whereby it willingly slips into it. wretched man that I am, who would free me from the body of this death except your grace through Jesus Christ, our Lord?

8.6.13

et de vinculo quidem desiderii concubitus, quo artissimo tenebar, et saecularium negotiorum servitute quemadmodum me exemeris, narrabo et confitebor nomini tuo, domine, adiutor meus et redemptor meus. agebam solita, crescente anxitudine, et cotidie suspirabam tibi. frequentabam ecclesiam tuam, quantum vacabat ab eis negotiis sub quorum pondere gemebam.

and indeed about the bond of desire’s coupling, by which I was held most tightly, and about the servitude of secular affairs—how you have removed me—I will narrate and confess to your name, Lord, my helper and my redeemer. I was doing my usual things, with anxiety increasing, and every day I sighed to you. I frequented your church, as much as there was leisure from those businesses under whose weight I groaned.

mecum erat Alypius otiosus ab opere iuris peritorum post adsessionem tertiam, expectans quibus iterum consilia venderet, sicut ego vendebam dicendi facultatem, si qua docendo praestari potest. Nebridius autem amicitiae nostrae cesserat, ut omnium nostrum familiarissimo Verecundo, Mediolanensi et civi et grammatico, subdoceret, vehementer desideranti et familiaritatis iure flagitanti de numero nostro fidele adiutorium, quo indigebat nimis. non itaque Nebridium cupiditas commodorum eo traxit (maiora enim posset, si vellet, de litteris agere) sed officio benivolentiae petitionem nostram contemnere noluit, amicus dulcissimus et mitissimus.

Alypius was with me, at leisure from the work of the jurists after the third assession, awaiting those to whom he might again sell counsels, just as I was selling the faculty of speaking, if any such can be furnished by teaching. But Nebridius had yielded to our friendship, in order to teach under the most intimate of us all, Verecundus—a Milanese, both citizen and grammarian—who was vehemently desiring and, by the right of familiarity, demanding from our number a faithful assistance, of which he stood in great need. Therefore it was not a desire for advantages that drew Nebridius there (for he could, if he wished, transact greater things in letters), but by the office of benevolence he was unwilling to contemn our petition—most sweet and most mild a friend.

agebat autem illud prudentissime cavens innotescere personis secundum hoc saeculum maioribus, devitans in eis omnem inquietudinem animi, quem volebat habere liberum et quam multis posset horis feriatum ad quaerendum aliquid vel legendum vel audiendum de sapientia.

He, however, managed this most prudently, taking care not to become known to persons greater according to this age, avoiding in them every inquietude of mind, which he wished to have free and, for as many hours as he could, at leisure for seeking something, or for reading, or for hearing about wisdom.

8.6.14

quodam igitur die (non recolo causam qua erat absens Nebridius) cum ecce ad nos domum venit ad me et Alypium Ponticianus quidam, civis noster in quantum Afer, praeclare in palatio militans: nescio quid a nobis volebat. et consedimus ut conloqueremur. et forte supra mensam lusoriam quae ante nos erat attendit codicem.

Therefore on a certain day (I do not recall the reason why Nebridius was absent), behold, there came to our house, to me and to Alypius, a certain Ponticianus, our fellow-citizen inasmuch as an African, serving brilliantly in the palace: I know not what he wanted from us. And we sat down to converse. And by chance he noticed a codex upon the gaming table which was before us.

tulit, aperuit, invenit apostolum Paulum, inopinate sane: putaverat enim aliquid de libris quorum professio me conterebat. tum vero arridens meque intuens gratulatorie miratus est, quod eas et solas prae oculis meis litteras repente comperisset. christianus quippe et fidelis erat, et saepe tibi, deo nostro, prosternebatur in ecclesia crebris et diuturnis orationibus.

he took it, opened it, and found the apostle Paul, quite unexpectedly indeed; for he had supposed something from the books whose profession was crushing me. then truly, smiling and looking at me, he marvelled with congratulation that he had suddenly discovered those letters before my eyes—those and those alone. for he was a Christian and faithful, and often prostrated himself to you, our God, in church with frequent and long prayers.

cui ego cum indicassem illis me scripturis curam maximam impendere, ortus est sermo ipso narrante de Antonio Aegyptio monacho, cuius nomen excellenter clarebat apud servos tuos, nos autem usque in illam horam latebat. quod ille ubi comperit, immoratus est in eo sermone, insinuans tantum virum ignorantibus et admirans eandem nostram ignorantiam. stupebamus autem audientes tam recenti memoria et prope nostris temporibus testatissima mirabilia tua in fide recta et catholica ecclesia.

When I had indicated to him that I was expending the greatest care upon those Scriptures, a discourse arose, with him himself narrating, about Anthony the Egyptian monk, whose name was resplendently renowned among your servants, but lay hidden from us until that hour. When he learned this, he lingered on that discourse, insinuating such a man to those ignorant of him and marveling at that same our ignorance. We were astounded as we listened, with so recent a recollection and almost in our own times, at your most well-attested marvels in the right faith and in the catholic Church.

omnes mirabamur, et nos, quia tam magna erant, et ille, quia inaudita nobis erant.

we all marveled, both we, because they were so great, and he, because they were unheard-of to us.

8.6.15

inde sermo eius devolutus est ad monasteriorum greges et mores suaveolentiae tuae et ubera deserta heremi, quorum nos nihil sciebamus. et erat monasterium Mediolanii plenum bonis fratribus extra urbis moenia sub Ambrosio nutritore, et non noveramus. pertendebat ille et loquebatur adhuc, et nos intenti tacebamus.

thence his discourse turned to the flocks of the monasteries and the ways of thy sweet-savor, and the breasts of the eremitic desert, of which we knew nothing. And there was a monastery at Milan, full of good brothers outside the walls of the city under Ambrose as nourisher, and we did not know it. He pressed on and was still speaking, and we, intent, kept silence.

unde incidit ut diceret nescio quando se et tres alios contubernales suos, nimirum apud Treveros, cum imperator promeridiano circensium spectaculo teneretur, exisse deambulatum in hortos muris contiguos atque illic, ut forte combinati spatiabantur, unum secum seorsum et alios duos itidem seorsum pariterque digressos; sed illos vagabundos inruisse in quandam casam ubi habitabant quidam servi tui spiritu pauperes, qualium est regnum caelorum, et invenisse ibi codicem in quo scripta erat vita Antonii. quam legere coepit unus eorum et mirari et accendi, et inter legendum meditari arripere talem vitam et relicta militia saeculari servire tibi. erant autem ex eis quos dicunt agentes in rebus.

whence it fell out that he said that, I know not when, he and three other of his contubernals—namely at Trier—while the emperor was occupied with a forenoon spectacle of the circus, had gone out to stroll in the gardens adjacent to the walls; and there, as by chance they were walking paired, one with him apart and the other two likewise apart, they in like manner having separated; but those two, as they wandered, burst into a certain hut where there were dwelling some of your servants, poor in spirit, of such as is the kingdom of heaven, and there they found a codex in which was written the Life of Antony. One of them began to read it and to marvel and to be kindled, and, while reading, to consider to seize upon such a life and, the secular soldiery left, to serve you. Moreover, they were of those whom they call agentes in rebus (imperial agents).

tum subito repletus amore sancto et sobrio pudore, iratus sibi, coniecit oculos in amicum et ait illi, 'dic, quaeso te, omnibus istis laboribus nostris quo ambimus pervenire? quid quaerimus? cuius rei causa militamus?

then suddenly, filled with holy love and sober modesty, angry with himself, he cast his eyes upon his friend and said to him, 'Say, I beg you, by all these labors of ours, where do we aspire to arrive? what do we seek? for the sake of what thing do we do military service?'

maiorne esse poterit spes nostra in palatio quam ut amici imperatoris simus? et ibi quid non fragile plenumque periculis? et per quot pericula pervenitur ad grandius periculum?

Could our hope in the palace be greater than to be friends of the emperor? And there, what is not fragile and full of perils? And through how many perils does one arrive at a greater peril?

et quando istuc erit? amicus autem dei, si voluero, ecce nunc fio.' dixit hoc et turbidus parturitione novae vitae reddidit oculos paginis. et legebat et mutabatur intus, ubi tu videbas, et exuebatur mundo mens eius, ut mox apparuit.

and when will that be? But a friend of God, if I am willing—behold, now I become one.' He said this and, turbid with the parturition of a new life, returned his eyes to the pages. And he was reading, and he was being changed within, where you were seeing; and his mind was being stripped of the world, as soon became apparent.

namque dum legit et volvit fluctus cordis sui, infremuit aliquando et discrevit decrevitque meliora, iamque tuus ait amico suo, 'ego iam abrupi me ab illa spe nostra et deo servire statui, et hoc ex hac hora, in hoc loco aggredior. te si piget imitari, noli adversari.' respondit ille adhaerere se socium tantae mercedis tantaeque militiae. et ambo iam tui aedificabant turrem sumptu idoneo relinquendi omnia sua et sequendi te. tunc Ponticianus et qui cum eo per alias horti partes deambulabat, quaerentes eos, devenerunt in eundem locum et invenientes admonuerunt ut redirent, quod iam declinasset dies.

for while he was reading and rolling over the surges of his heart, he at some moment groaned deeply and discerned, and decreed the better course; and now your man says to his friend, 'I have now torn myself away from that hope of ours and have resolved to serve God, and this from this hour, in this place I set about. If it irks you to imitate, do not be an adversary.' He replied that he would cleave as a companion to so great a reward and so great a militia. And both, now yours, were building the tower with a cost suitable for relinquishing all their own and for following you. Then Ponticianus and the one who was strolling with him through other parts of the garden, seeking them, came down into the same place and, finding them, admonished them to return, because the day had already declined.

at illi, narrato placito et proposito suo quoque modo in eis talis voluntas orta esset atque firmata, petiverunt ne sibi molesti essent si adiungi recusarent. isti autem nihilo mutati a pristinis fleverunt se tamen, ut dicebat, atque illis pie congratulati sunt, et commendaverunt se orationibus eorum et trahentes cor in terra abierunt in palatium, illi autem affigentes cor caelo manserunt in casa. et habebant ambo sponsas quae, posteaquam hoc audierunt, dicaverunt etiam ipsae virginitatem tibi.

but they, after narrating their decision and their purpose, and in what way such a will had arisen in them and been confirmed, asked that they not be troublesome to them if they refused to be joined. These men, however, in no way changed from their former ways, nevertheless wept for themselves, as he said, and piously congratulated them, and commended themselves to their prayers; and, dragging their heart upon the earth, they went away to the palace, but those, affixing their heart to heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had betrothed brides who, after they heard this, they too dedicated their virginity to you.

8.7.16

narrabat haec Ponticianus. tu autem, domine, inter verba eius retorquebas me ad me ipsum, auferens me a dorso meo, ubi me posueram dum nollem me attendere, et constituebas me ante faciem meam, ut viderem quam turpis essem, quam distortus et sordidus, maculosus et ulcerosus. et videbam et horrebam, et quo a me fugerem non erat.

Ponticianus was recounting these things. But you, Lord, amid his words were turning me back upon myself, removing me from my own back, where I had placed myself while I was unwilling to attend to myself, and you were setting me before my own face, that I might see how base I was, how distorted and sordid, stained and ulcerous. And I saw and shuddered, and there was nowhere to which I might flee from myself.

sed si conabar avertere a me aspectum, narrabat ille quod narrabat, et tu me rursus opponebas mihi et impingebas me in oculos meos, ut invenirem iniquitatem meam et odissem. noveram eam, sed dissimulabam et cohibebam et obliviscebar.

but if I tried to avert my gaze from myself, he was telling what he was telling, and you were again setting me against myself and thrusting me into my own eyes, in order that I might find my iniquity and hate it. I knew it, but I was dissimulating and restraining and forgetting.

8.7.17

tunc vero quanto ardentius amabam illos de quibus audiebam salubres affectus, quod se totos tibi sanandos dederunt, tanto exsecrabilius me comparatum eis oderam, quoniam multi mei anni mecum effluxerant (forte duodecim anni) ex quo ab undevicensimo anno aetatis meae, lecto Ciceronis Hortensio, excitatus eram studio sapientiae et differebam contempta felicitate terrena ad eam investigandam vacare, cuius non inventio sed vel sola inquisitio iam praeponenda erat etiam inventis thesauris regnisque gentium et ad nutum circumfluentibus corporis voluptatibus. at ego adulescens miser valde, miser in exordio ipsius adulescentiae, etiam petieram a te castitatem et dixeram, 'da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo.' timebam enim ne me cito exaudires et cito sanares a morbo concupiscentiae, quem malebam expleri quam exstingui. et ieram per vias pravas superstitione sacrilega, non quidem certus in ea sed quasi praeponens eam ceteris, quae non pie quaerebam sed inimice oppugnabam.

then indeed, the more ardently I loved those of whom I heard salutary affections, because they gave themselves wholly to you to be healed, by so much the more execrably I hated myself, compared with them, since many of my years had flowed away with me (perhaps twelve years) from the time when, from my nineteenth year of age, after reading Cicero’s Hortensius, I had been aroused by a zeal for wisdom, and I kept deferring, earthly felicity scorned, to be free to investigate it, of which not the finding but even the mere inquisition was already to be preferred even to treasures found and to the kingdoms of the nations and to bodily pleasures overflowing at a nod. but I, a most wretched youth, wretched at the very outset of youth itself, had even asked from you chastity and had said, 'give me chastity and continence, but not yet.' for I was afraid lest you should hear me quickly and quickly heal me of the disease of concupiscence, which I preferred to be satisfied rather than extinguished. and I had gone along crooked ways by a sacrilegious superstition, not indeed certain in it but as if preferring it to the others, which I did not piously seek but attacked as an enemy.

8.7.18

et putaveram me propterea differre de die in diem contempta spe saeculi te solum sequi, quia non mihi apparebat certum aliquid quo dirigerem cursum meum. et venerat dies quo nudarer mihi et increparet in me conscientia mea: 'ubi est lingua? nempe tu dicebas propter incertum verum nolle te abicere sarcinam vanitatis.

and I had thought that for this reason I was deferring from day to day, with the hope of the age contemned, to follow you alone, because there did not appear to me something certain by which I might direct my course. and the day had come on which I should be laid bare to myself, and my conscience should chide me within: 'where is the tongue? surely you were saying that, on account of the uncertain truth, you did not wish to throw away the baggage of vanity.

ecce iam certum est, et illa te adhuc premit, umerisque liberioribus pinnas recipiunt qui neque ita in quaerendo attriti sunt nec decennio et amplius ista meditati.' ita rodebar intus et confundebar pudore horribili vehementer, cum Ponticianus talia loqueretur. terminato autem sermone et causa qua venerat, abiit ille, et ego ad me. quae non in me dixi? quibus sententiarum verberibus non flagellavi animam meam, ut sequeretur me conantem post te ire?

Behold, now it is certain, and that thing still presses you; and with freer shoulders they recover their wings, who have neither been thus worn out in the seeking nor have meditated on these things for a decade and more. Thus I was gnawed within and was confounded with a horrible shame, vehemently, while Ponticianus was speaking such things. But when the discourse was ended and the cause for which he had come, he went away, and I to myself. What did I not say against myself? With what lashes of sentences did I not scourge my soul, that it might follow me, as I was attempting to go after you?

et renitebatur, recusabat, et non se excusabat. consumpta erant et convicta argumenta omnia. remanserat muta trepidatio et quasi mortem reformidabat restringi a fluxu consuetudinis, quo tabescebat in mortem.

He resisted, he refused, and he did not excuse himself. All the arguments were consumed and convicted. A mute trepidation remained, and he dreaded, as if it were death, to be restrained from the flux of consuetude, by which he was wasting away into death.

8.8.19

tum in illa grandi rixa interioris domus meae, quam fortiter excitaveram cum anima mea in cubiculo nostro, corde meo, tam vultu quam mente turbatus invado Alypium: exclamo, 'quid patimur? quid est hoc? quid audisti?

then, in that great brawl of my inner house, which I had bravely stirred up with my soul in our bedchamber, my heart, disturbed as much in countenance as in mind, I rush upon Alypius: I exclaim, 'what are we suffering? what is this? what have you heard?'

surgunt indocti et caelum rapiunt, et nos cum doctrinis nostris sine corde, ecce ubi volutamur in carne et sanguine! an quia praecesserunt, pudet sequi et non pudet nec saltem sequi?' dixi nescio qua talia, et abripuit me ab illo aestus meus, cum taceret attonitus me intuens. neque enim solita sonabam.

The unlearned rise and seize heaven, and we with our doctrines, without heart—behold where we wallow in flesh and blood! Or because they have gone before, is it a shame to follow, and is it not a shame not even to follow?'

I said I know not what such things, and my heat carried me away from him, while he was silent, thunderstruck, gazing at me. For I was not sounding my usual things.

plus loquebantur animum meum frons, genae, oculi, color, modus vocis quam verba quae promebam. hortulus quidam erat hospitii nostri, quo nos utebamur sicut tota domo: nam hospes ibi non habitabat, dominus domus. illuc me abstulerat tumultus pectoris, ubi nemo impediret ardentem litem quam mecum aggressus eram, donec exiret -- qua tu sciebas, ego autem non: sed tantum insaniebam salubriter et moriebar vitaliter, gnarus quid mali essem et ignarus quid boni post paululum futurus essem.

my brow, cheeks, eyes, complexion, the mode of my voice were speaking more to my mind than the words I was bringing forth. there was a certain little garden of our lodging, which we used just as the whole house: for the host, the master of the house, did not dwell there. thither the tumult of my breast had carried me off, where no one would impede the burning lawsuit I had undertaken with myself, until it should come forth -- by what way you knew, but I did not: but only I was going mad salubriously and was dying vitally, aware of what evil I was and unaware of what good I should be after a little.

abscessi ergo in hortum, et Alypius pedem post pedem. neque enim secretum meum non erat, ubi ille aderat. aut quando me sic affectum desereret?

I withdrew therefore into the garden, and Alypius, foot after foot. For my secret was not a secret where he was present. Or when would he desert me thus affected?

sedimus quantum potuimus remoti ab aedibus. ego fremebam spiritu, indignans indignatione turbulentissima quod non irem in placitum et pactum tecum, deus meus, in quod eundum esse omnia ossa mea clamabant et in caelum tollebant laudibus. et non illuc ibatur navibus aut quadrigis aut pedibus, quantum saltem de domo in eum locum ieram ubi sedebamus.

We sat as far away from the house as we could. I was raging in spirit, indignant with the most turbulent indignation that I was not going into the pleasing accord and pact with you, my God, into which all my bones were crying out that one must go, and were lifting to heaven with praises. And one did not go thither by ships or by chariots or on foot, any more than I had gone from the house into the place where we were sitting.

nam non solum ire verum etiam pervenire illuc nihil erat aliud quam velle ire, sed velle fortiter et integre, non semisauciam hac atque hac versare et iactare voluntatem parte adsurgente cum alia parte cadente luctantem.

for not only to go, but even to arrive there, was nothing else than to will to go—but to will bravely and integrally, not to turn and toss a half-wounded will this way and that, struggling with one part rising while another part falling.

8.8.20

denique tam multa faciebam corpore in ipsis cunctationis aestibus, quae aliquando volunt homines et non valent, si aut ipsa membra non habeant aut ea vel conligata vinculis vel resoluta languore vel quoquo modo impedita sint. si vulsi capillum, si percussi frontem, si consertis digitis amplexatus sum genu, quia volui, feci. potui autem velle et non facere, si mobilitas membrorum non obsequeretur.

Finally, I was doing so many things with the body in the very surges of hesitation, which men sometimes will and are not able to do, if either they do not have the members themselves, or if these are either bound with chains, or loosened by languor, or impeded in whatever way. If I tore out my hair, if I struck my forehead, if with fingers interlaced I clasped my knee, because I willed, I did. Yet I could have willed and not done it, if the mobility of the limbs had not obeyed.

tam multa ergo feci, ubi non hoc erat velle quod posse: et non faciebam quod et incomparabili affectu amplius mihi placebat, et mox ut vellem possem, quia mox ut vellem, utique vellem. ibi enim facultas ea, quae voluntas, et ipsum velle iam facere erat; et tamen non fiebat, faciliusque obtemperabat corpus tenuissimae voluntati animae, ut ad nutum membra moverentur, quam ipsa sibi anima ad voluntatem suam magnam in sola voluntate perficiendam.

so many things therefore I did, where willing was not the same as being able; and I was not doing that which, with incomparable affection, pleased me more, and which as soon as I should will I could, because as soon as I should will, assuredly I would will. for there the faculty is the same as the will, and the very willing was already the doing; and yet it was not being done, and the body more easily obeyed the most tenuous will of the soul, so that at a nod the limbs were moved, than the soul obeyed itself for the accomplishing of its own great will, to be perfected in will alone.

8.9.21

unde hoc monstrum? et quare istuc? luceat misericordia tua, et interrogem, si forte mihi respondere possint latebrae poenarum hominum et tenebrosissimae contritiones filiorum Adam.

Whence this monster? and why that? Let your mercy shine, and let me inquire, whether perchance the lurking-places of the punishments of men and the most tenebrous contritions of the sons of Adam can answer me.

unde hoc monstrum? et quare istuc? imperat animus corpori, et paretur statim; imperat animus sibi, et resistitur.

whence this monster? and why that? the mind commands the body, and it is obeyed immediately; the mind commands itself, and it is resisted.

imperat animus ut moveatur manus, et tanta est facilitas ut vix a servitio discernatur imperium: et animus animus est, manus autem corpus est. imperat animus ut velit animus, nec alter est nec facit tamen. unde hoc monstrum?

The mind commands that the hand be moved, and so great is the facility that the command is scarcely to be discerned from servitude: and the mind is mind, but the hand is body. The mind commands that the mind should will, and it is not another, and yet it does not do it. Whence this monster?

et quare istuc, inquam, ut velit qui non imperaret nisi vellet, et non facit quod imperat? sed non ex toto vult: non ergo ex toto imperat. nam in tantum imperat, in quantum vult, et in tantum non fit quod imperat, in quantum non vult, quoniam voluntas imperat ut sit voluntas, nec alia, sed ipsa.

And why is it thus, I say, that he wills—who would not command unless he willed—and yet does not do what he commands? But he does not will wholly; therefore he does not command wholly. For he commands insofar as he wills, and insofar as what he commands is not done, it is insofar as he does not will, since the will commands that there be a will, not another, but itself.

non itaque plena imperat; ideo non est quod imperat. nam si plena esset, nec imperaret ut esset, quia iam esset. non igitur monstrum partim velle, partim nolle, sed aegritudo animi est, quia non totus adsurgit veritate consuetudine praegravatus.

Therefore it does not command in full; hence what it commands does not come to be. For if it were full, it would not command that it be, since it would already be. Therefore it is not a monstrosity to will in part and in part not to will, but a sickness of mind, because it does not rise up whole to the truth, weighed down by custom.

et ideo sunt duae voluntates, quia una earum tota non est et hoc adest alteri quod deest alteri.

and therefore there are two wills, because one of them is not whole, and what is lacking to the one is present to the other.

8.10.22

pereant a facie tua, deus, sicuti pereunt, vaniloqui et mentis seductores qui, cum duas voluntates in deliberando animadverterint, duas naturas duarum mentium esse adseverant, unam bonam, alteram malam. ipsi vere mali sunt, cum ista mala sentiunt, et idem ipsi boni erunt, si vera senserint verisque consenserint, ut dicat eis apostolus tuus, 'fuistis aliquando tenebrae, nunc autem lux in domino.' illi enim dum volunt esse lux, non in domino sed in se ipsis, putando animae naturam hoc esse quod deus est, ita facti sunt densiores tenebrae, quoniam longius a te recesserunt horrenda arrogantia, a te vero lumine inluminante omnem hominem venientem in hunc mundum. attendite quid dicatis, et erubescite et accedite ad eum et inluminamini, et vultus vestri non erubescent.

let them perish from before your face, O God, even as they perish, the vain-talkers and seducers of the mind who, when they have observed two wills in deliberating, assert that there are two natures of two minds, one good, the other evil. they themselves are truly evil when they perceive such evils; and these same will be good if they have perceived truths and consented to truths, so that your apostle may say to them, 'you were once darkness, but now light in the lord.' for while they wish to be light, not in the lord but in themselves, thinking the nature of the soul to be what God is, thus they have been made the denser darkness, since they have receded farther from you by horrendous arrogance—from you, the true Light illuminating every man coming into this world. attend to what you say, and blush for shame, and approach him and be illumined, and your faces will not blush for shame.

ego cum deliberabam ut iam servirem domino deo meo, sicut diu disposueram, ego eram qui volebam, ego qui nolebam: ego eram. nec plene volebam nec plene nolebam. ideo mecum contendebam et dissipabar a me ipso, et ipsa dissipatio me invito quidem fiebat, nec tamen ostendebat naturam mentis alienae sed poenam meae.

i, when i was deliberating that i should now serve the lord my god, as i had long resolved, it was i who was willing, i who was unwilling: it was i. nor was i fully willing nor fully unwilling. therefore i contended with myself and was dissipated from myself; and this very dissipation indeed was happening against my will, yet it did not show the nature of an alien mind but the penalty of my own.

et ideo non iam ego operabar illam, sed quod habitabat in me peccatum de supplicio liberioris peccati, quia eram filius Adam.

and therefore it was no longer I who was working that, but the sin that dwelt in me, from the punishment of the freer sin, since I was a son of Adam.

8.10.23

nam si tot sunt contrariae naturae quot voluntates sibi resistunt, non iam duae sed plures erunt. si deliberet quisquam utrum ad conventiculum eorum pergat an ad theatrum, clamant isti, 'ecce duae naturae, una bona hac ducit, altera mala illac reducit, nam unde ista cunctatio sibimet adversantium voluntatum?' ego autem dico ambas malas, et quae ad illos ducit et quae ad theatrum reducit. sed non credunt nisi bonam esse qua itur ad eos.

for if there are as many contrary natures as there are wills that resist one another, they will no longer be two but several. if anyone should deliberate whether he should go to their conventicle or to the theater, those men shout, 'behold two natures: one good leads this way, the other evil leads back that way; for whence this hesitation of wills mutually opposing themselves?' but I say both are evil, both that which leads to them and that which leads back to the theater. yet they believe nothing except that the one by which one goes to them is good.

quid si ergo quisquam noster deliberet et secum altercantibus duabus voluntatibus fluctuet, utrum ad theatrum pergat an ad ecclesiam nostram, nonne et isti quid respondeant fluctuabunt? aut enim fatebuntur quod nolunt, bona voluntate pergi in ecclesiam nostram, sicut in eam pergunt qui sacramentis eius imbuti sunt atque detinentur, aut duas malas naturas et duas malas mentes in uno homine confligere putabunt, et non erit verum quod solent dicere, unam bonam, alteram malam, aut convertentur ad verum et non negabunt, cum quisque deliberat, animam unam diversis voluntatibus aestuare.

What if, then, someone of ours deliberates and, with two wills wrangling with himself, fluctuates whether he should go to the theater or to our church—will not they too fluctuate as to what they should answer? For either they will confess what they do not wish, that by a good will one goes to our church, just as those go into it who are imbued with its sacraments and are detained by them; or they will suppose two evil natures and two evil minds to be in conflict in one man, and what they are wont to say will not be true—one good, the other evil; or they will be converted to the truth and will not deny that, when anyone deliberates, one soul seethes with diverse wills.

8.10.24

iam ergo non dicant, cum duas voluntates in homine uno adversari sibi sentiunt, duas contrarias mentes de duabus contrariis substantiis et de duobus contrariis principiis contendere, unam bonam, alteram malam. nam tu, deus verax, improbas eos et redarguis atque convincis eos, sicut in utraque mala voluntate, cum quisque deliberat utrum hominem veneno interimat an ferro, utrum fundum alienum illum an illum invadat, quando utrumque non potest, utrum emat voluptatem luxuria an pecuniam servet avaritia, utrum ad circum pergat an ad theatrum, si uno die utrumque exhibeatur; addo etiam tertium, an ad furtum de domo aliena, si subest occasio; addo et quartum, an ad committendum adulterium, si et inde simul facultas aperitur; si omnia concurrant in unum articulum temporis pariterque cupiantur omnia quae simul agi nequeunt, discerpunt enim animum sibimet adversantibus quattuor voluntatibus vel etiam pluribus in tanta copia rerum quae appetuntur, nec tamen tantam multitudinem diversarum substantiarum solent dicere. ita et in bonis voluntatibus.

Therefore let them no longer say, when they perceive two wills in one man opposing each other, that two contrary minds from two contrary substances and from two contrary principles are contending—one good, the other evil. For you, truthful God, disapprove them and refute and convict them, just as in either evil will, when someone deliberates whether to kill a man by poison or by steel, whether to invade that or that other person’s estate, when he cannot do both, whether to purchase pleasure by luxury or to keep his money by avarice, whether to go to the circus or to the theater, if on one day both are exhibited; I add even a third, whether to go to theft from another’s house, if the occasion presents itself; I add also a fourth, whether to commit adultery, if simultaneously from that side too the opportunity opens; if all things run together into one juncture of time and all alike are desired which cannot be done together, for four wills—or even more, in so great an abundance of things that are sought—tear the soul apart, with the wills opposing themselves to itself, nor, however, are they accustomed to posit so great a multitude of diverse substances. So also in good wills.

nam quaero ab eis utrum bonum sit delectari lectione apostoli et utrum bonum sit delectari psalmo sobrio et utrum bonum sit evangelium disserere. respondebunt ad singula: 'bonum.' quid si ergo pariter delectent omnia simulque uno tempore, nonne diversae voluntates distendunt cor hominis, dum deliberatur quid potissimum arripiamus? et omnes bonae sunt et certant secum, donec eligatur unum quo feratur tota voluntas una, quae in plures dividebatur.

for I ask of them whether it is good to take delight in the reading of the Apostle, and whether it is good to take delight in a sober psalm, and whether it is good to dissert upon the Gospel. they will answer to each: 'good.' what if, then, all alike delight and at the same time—do not diverse wills distend the heart of man, while it is deliberated what we should seize upon as the chief thing? and all are good and contend with one another, until one is chosen toward which the whole single will is borne, which had been divided into many.

ita etiam cum aeternitas delectat superius et temporalis boni voluptas retentat inferius, eadem anima est non tota voluntate illud aut hoc volens et ideo discerpitur gravi molestia, dum illud veritate praeponit, hoc familiaritate non ponit.

So also, when eternity delights above and the pleasure of temporal good holds back below, it is the same soul, not with its whole will willing that or this, and therefore it is torn asunder by grievous distress, while it puts that first for its truth, this it does not put down because of familiarity.

8.11.25

sic aegrotabam et excruciabar, accusans memet ipsum solito acerbius nimis ac volvens et versans me in vinculo meo, donec abrumperetur totum, quo iam exiguo tenebar, sed tenebar tamen. et instabas tu in occultis meis, domine, severa misericordia, flagella ingeminans timoris et pudoris, ne rursus cessarem et non abrumperetur idipsum exiguum et tenue quod remanserat, et revalesceret iterum et me robustius alligaret. dicebam enim apud me intus, 'ecce modo fiat, modo fiat,' et cum verbo iam ibam in placitum.

thus I was ailing and being excruciated, accusing myself with the customary bitterness yet too much, and rolling and turning myself in my chain, until the whole should be broken off, by which I was now held by a small (portion), yet I was held nevertheless. and you kept pressing upon my hidden places, Lord, with severe mercy, doubling the scourges of fear and of shame, lest I again should slacken and that very small and thin remnant which had remained not be broken off, and grow strong again and bind me more robustly. for I was saying within myself, deep inside, ‘see, let it be now, let it be now,’ and with the word I was already going to the consenting.

iam paene faciebam et non faciebam, nec relabebar tamen in pristina sed de proximo stabam et respirabam. et item conabar, et paulo minus ibi eram et paulo minus, iam iamque attingebam et tenebam. et non ibi eram nec attingebam nec tenebam, haesitans mori morti et vitae vivere, plusque in me valebat deterius inolitum quam melius insolitum, punctumque ipsum temporis quo aliud futurus eram, quanto propius admovebatur, tanto ampliorem incutiebat horrorem.

now I was almost doing it and not doing it, nor was I slipping back, however, into the pristine state, but I stood from very near and drew breath. and again I tried, and I was a little short of it, and a little less; now, now I was touching and holding. and I was not there, nor was I touching nor holding, hesitating to die to death and to live to life; and the worse, inured in me, was stronger than the better, unwonted; and the very point of time at which I was going to be other, the nearer it was brought, so much the greater terror it struck.

sed non recutiebat retro nec avertebat, sed suspendebat.

but it did not smite me back nor avert me, but suspended me.

8.11.26

retinebant nugae nugarum et vanitates vanitantium, antiquae amicae meae, et succutiebant vestem meam carneam et submurmurabant, 'dimittisne nos?' et 'a momento isto non erimus tecum ultra in aeternum' et 'a momento isto non tibi licebit hoc et illud ultra in aeternum.' et quae suggerebant in eo quod dixi 'hoc et illud,' quae suggerebant, deus meus, avertat ab anima servi tui misericordia tua! quas sordes suggerebant, quae dedecora! et audiebam eas iam longe minus quam dimidius, non tamquam libere contradicentes eundo in obviam, sed velut a dorso mussitantes et discedentem quasi furtim vellicantes, ut respicerem.

trifles of trifles and vanities of the vain were holding me back, my ancient girlfriends, and they were shaking my carnal garment and murmured under their breath, ‘are you dismissing us?’ and ‘from this moment we shall not be with you any longer unto eternity’ and ‘from this moment it will not be licit for you to do this and that any longer unto eternity.’ and the things which they suggested in that which I have said ‘this and that,’ the things they suggested—my God, let your mercy avert them from the soul of your servant! what filths they suggested, what disgraces! and I heard them now far less than half, not as though freely gainsaying by coming to meet me, but as if from behind muttering and, as I departed, stealthily plucking at me, so that I might look back.

tardabant tamen cunctantem me abripere atque excutere ab eis et transilire quo vocabar, cum diceret mihi consuetudo violenta, 'putasne sine istis poteris?'

Yet they were slowing me, as I hesitated, from snatching myself away and shaking myself off from them and leaping across to where I was being called, when violent custom said to me, 'Do you suppose you will be able without these?'

8.11.27

sed iam tepidissime hoc dicebat. aperiebatur enim ab ea parte qua intenderam faciem et quo transire trepidabam casta dignitas continentiae, serena et non dissolute hilaris, honeste blandiens ut venirem neque dubitarem, et extendens ad me suscipiendum et amplectendum pias manus plenas gregibus bonorum exemplorum. ibi tot pueri et puellae, ibi iuventus multa et omnis aetas, et graves viduae et virgines anus, et in omnibus ipsa continentia nequaquam sterilis, sed fecunda mater filiorum gaudiorum de marito te, domine.

but now she was saying this most tepidly. For on that side to which I had directed my face and where I was trembling to cross over, the chaste dignity of Continence was being opened, serene and not dissolutely cheerful, honorably coaxing that I should come and not hesitate, and stretching out to me pious hands for receiving and embracing, hands full with flocks of good examples. There so many boys and girls, there much youth and every age, and grave widows and virgin old women, and in all of them Continence herself by no means sterile, but a fecund mother of sons of joys from her husband, you, Lord.

et inridebat me inrisione hortatoria, quasi diceret, 'tu non poteris quod isti, quod istae? an vero isti et istae in se ipsis possunt ac non in domino deo suo? dominus deus eorum me dedit eis.

and she was mocking me with hortatory mockery, as if she were saying, 'will you not be able to do what these men, what these women? or indeed do these men and these women have power in themselves and not in their lord god? their lord god has given me to them.'

quid in te stas et non stas? proice te in eum! noli metuere.

Why do you stand in yourself and not stand? Cast yourself upon him! Do not fear.

non se subtrahet ut cadas: proice te securus! excipiet et sanabit te.' et erubescebam nimis, quia illarum nugarum murmura adhuc audiebam, et cunctabundus pendebam. et rursus illa, quasi diceret, 'obsurdesce adversus immunda illa membra tua super terram, ut mortificentur.

'he will not withdraw himself so that you fall: throw yourself confidently! he will catch and heal you.' and I blushed exceedingly, because I was still hearing the murmurs of those trifles, and I hung wavering. and again she, as if saying, 'grow deaf against those unclean members of yours upon the earth, that they may be mortified.'

narrant tibi delectationes, sed non sicut lex domini dei tui.' ista controversia in corde meo non nisi de me ipso adversus me ipsum. at Alypius affixus lateri meo inusitati motus mei exitum tacitus opperiebatur.

'They tell you of delectations, but not as the law of the Lord your God.' This controversy in my heart was nothing but of myself against myself. But Alypius, affixed to my side, silently awaited the outcome of my unusual motion.

8.12.28

ubi vero a fundo arcano alta consideratio traxit et congessit totam miseriam meam in conspectu cordis mei, oborta est procella ingens ferens ingentem imbrem lacrimarum. et ut totum effunderem cum vocibus suis, surrexi ab Alypio (solitudo mihi ad negotium flendi aptior suggerebatur) et secessi remotius quam ut posset mihi onerosa esse etiam eius praesentia. sic tunc eram, et ille sensit: nescio quid enim, puto, dixeram in quo apparebat sonus vocis meae iam fletu gravidus, et sic surrexeram.

But when from an arcane depth a lofty consideration drew up and heaped together all my misery in the sight of my heart, there arose a huge squall bearing a huge shower of tears. And that I might pour it all out with its voices, I rose from Alypius (solitude was suggested to me as more apt for the business of weeping) and withdrew more remotely, so as to keep even his presence from being burdensome to me. Such was I then, and he perceived it: for I had said, I think, I know not what, in which the sound of my voice, already gravid with weeping, was apparent, and thus I had risen.

mansit ergo ille ubi sedebamus nimie stupens. ego sub quadam fici arbore stravi me nescio quomodo, et dimisi habenas lacrimis, et proruperunt flumina oculorum meorum, acceptabile sacrificium tuum, et non quidem his verbis, sed in hac sententia multa dixi tibi: 'et tu, domine, usquequo? usquequo, domine, irasceris in finem?

Therefore he remained where we were sitting, exceedingly stupefied. I, beneath a certain fig tree, cast myself down, I know not how, and I let loose the reins to tears, and rivers burst forth from my eyes—your acceptable sacrifice—and not indeed in these words, but in this sense I said many things to you: 'And you, lord, how long? How long, lord? Will you be angry to the end?'

ne memor fueris iniquitatum nostrarum antiquarum.' sentiebam enim eis me teneri. iactabam voces miserabiles: 'quamdiu, quamdiu, ''cras et cras''? quare non modo? quare non hac hora finis turpitudinis meae?'

'be not mindful of our ancient iniquities.' for I felt myself held by them. I was casting forth miserable cries: 'how long, how long, ''tomorrow and tomorrow''? why not now? why not in this hour an end to my turpitude?'

8.12.29

dicebam haec et flebam amarissima contritione cordis mei. et ecce audio vocem de vicina domo cum cantu dicentis et crebro repetentis, quasi pueri an puellae, nescio: 'tolle lege, tolle lege.' statimque mutato vultu intentissimus cogitare coepi utrumnam solerent pueri in aliquo genere ludendi cantitare tale aliquid. nec occurrebat omnino audisse me uspiam, repressoque impetu lacrimarum surrexi, nihil aliud interpretans divinitus mihi iuberi nisi ut aperirem codicem et legerem quod primum caput invenissem.

I was saying these things and weeping with the most bitter contrition of my heart. And behold, I hear a voice from a neighboring house of one saying with song and frequently repeating, as if of a boy or of a girl, I know not: 'take up, read; take up, read.' And immediately, with my expression changed, very intent, I began to consider whether boys were wont in some kind of playing to chant something of this sort. Nor did it occur to me at all that I had ever heard it anywhere; and, the rush of tears repressed, I rose, interpreting that I was divinely commanded to nothing else except to open the codex and read the first chapter I should find.

audieram enim de Antonio quod ex evangelica lectione cui forte supervenerat admonitus fuerit, tamquam sibi diceretur quod legebatur: 'vade, vende omnia quae habes, et da pauperibus et habebis thesaurum in caelis; et veni, sequere me,' et tali oraculo confestim ad te esse conversum. itaque concitus redii in eum locum ubi sedebat Alypius: ibi enim posueram codicem apostoli cum inde surrexeram. arripui, aperui, et legi in silentio capitulum quo primum coniecti sunt oculi mei: 'non in comessationibus et ebrietatibus, non in cubilibus et impudicitiis, non in contentione et aemulatione, sed induite dominum Iesum Christum et carnis providentiam ne feceritis in concupiscentiis.' nec ultra volui legere nec opus erat.

for I had heard about Antony that from the evangelical reading which had by chance come upon him he had been admonished, as though what was being read were said to him: 'go, sell all that you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in the heavens; and come, follow me,' and that by such an oracle he was immediately converted to you. and so, stirred, I returned in haste to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there I had put the codex of the Apostle when I had risen from there. I seized it, opened it, and read in silence the chapter to which my eyes were first cast: 'not in carousals and drunkennesses, not in beds and impudicities, not in contention and emulation, but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not make provision for the flesh in concupiscences.' nor did I wish to read further, nor was there need.

statim quippe cum fine huiusce sententiae quasi luce securitatis infusa cordi meo omnes dubitationis tenebrae diffugerunt.

For immediately, with the end of this very sentence, as if a light of security had been infused into my heart, all the darkness of doubt fled away.

8.12.30

tum interiecto aut digito aut nescio quo alio signo codicem clausi et tranquillo iam vultu indicavi Alypio. at ille quid in se ageretur (quod ego nesciebam) sic indicavit. petit videre quid legissem.

then, after inserting either a finger or I know not what other sign, I closed the codex and, with a visage now tranquil, I indicated to Alypius. but he thus indicated what was being wrought in himself (which I did not know). he asked to see what I had read.

ostendi, et attendit etiam ultra quam ego legeram. et ignorabam quid sequeretur. sequebatur vero: 'infirmum autem in fide recipite.' quod ille ad se rettulit mihique aperuit.

I showed it, and he also attended beyond what I had read. And I did not know what would follow. But there followed indeed: 'Receive the infirm in faith.' which he referred to himself and opened to me.

sed tali admonitione firmatus est placitoque ac proposito bono et congruentissimo suis moribus, quibus a me in melius iam olim valde longeque distabat, sine ulla turbulenta cunctatione coniunctus est. inde ad matrem ingredimur, indicamus: gaudet. narramus quemadmodum gestum sit: exultat et triumphat et benedicebat tibi, qui potens es ultra quam petimus et intellegimus facere, quia tanto amplius sibi a te concessum de me videbat quam petere solebat miserabilibus flebilibusque gemitibus.

but by such admonition he was strengthened, and, with a decision and a purpose good and most congruent to his morals—by which, in comparison with me, for the better, he had already long since stood very far apart—he was united without any turbulent hesitation. thence we enter to my mother, we indicate: she rejoices. we recount how it was done: she exults and triumphs and was blessing you, who are powerful to do beyond what we ask and understand to do, because she saw that so much more had been granted to her by you concerning me than she was accustomed to ask with miserable and tearful groanings.

convertisti enim me ad te, ut nec uxorem quaererem nec aliquam spem saeculi huius, stans in ea regula fidei in qua me ante tot annos ei revelaveras, et convertisti luctum eius in gaudium multo uberius quam voluerat, et multo carius atque castius quam de nepotibus carnis meae requirebat.

for you converted me to you, so that I should neither seek a wife nor any hope of this age, standing in that rule of faith in which you had revealed me to her so many years before, and you converted her mourning into joy much more abundant than she had wished, and much dearer and more chaste than she was seeking from grandchildren of my flesh.

Submitted by James J. O'Donnell (Univ. of Pennsylvania) from his new edition. Prof.

O'Donnell's introduction and commentary may be found at the original site: The Confessions of Augustine: An Electronic Edition