Poggio Bracciolini: GIAN FRANCESCO POGGIO BRACCIOLINIFACETIAE

Multos futuros esse arbitror qui has nostras confabulationes, tum ut res leves et viro gravi indignas reprehendant, tum in eis ornatiorem dicendi modum et majorem eloquentiam requirant. Quibus ego si respondeam, legisse me nostros Majores, prudentissimos ac doctissimos viros, facetiis, jocis et fabulis delectatos, non reprehensionem, sed laudem meruisse, satis mihi factum ad illorum existimationem putabo. Nam quid mihi turpe esse putem hac in re, quandoquidem in ceteris nequeo, illorum imitationem sequi, et hoc idem tempus quod reliqui in circulis et coetu hominum confabulando conterunt, in scribendi cura consumere, praesertim cum neque labor inhonestus sit, et legentes aliqua jucunditate possit afficere?

Multitudes, I reckon, will arise who will fault these our confabulations, both as light matters and unworthy of a grave man, and who will demand in them a more ornate mode of speaking and a greater eloquence. If I should answer such men that I have read that our Ancestors, most prudent and most learned men, took delight in facetiae, jests, and fables, and thereby earned not censure but praise, I shall think I have done enough for their estimation. For why should I deem it disgraceful for me in this matter—since in other things I cannot—to follow their imitation, and to spend this same time, which others wear away by confabulating in circles and gatherings of people, on the care of writing, especially since the labor is not dishonorable, and it can affect those who read with some measure of delight?

Honestum est enim ac ferme necessarium, certe quod sapientes laudarunt, mentem nostram variis cogitationibus ac molestiis oppressam, recreari quandoque a continuis curis, et eam aliquo jocandi genere ad hilaritatem remissionemque converti. Eloquentiam vero in rebus infimis, vel in his in quibus ad verbum vel facetiae exprimendae sunt, vel aliorum dicta referenda, quaerere, hominis nimium curiosi esse videtur. Sunt enim quaedam quae ornatius nequeant describi, cum ita recensenda sint, quemadmodum protulerunt ea hi qui in confabulationibus conjiciuntur.

For it is honorable and almost necessary, certainly what the wise have praised, that our mind, oppressed by various thoughts and annoyances, be refreshed at times from continuous cares, and be turned by some kind of joking to cheerfulness and remission. But to seek eloquence in the lowest matters, or in those in which either word-for-word facetiae are to be expressed, or the sayings of others are to be reported, seems to be the mark of a man excessively curious. For there are certain things which cannot be described more ornately, since they must be reviewed in the very way in which those who are cast into confabulations brought them forth.

Existimabunt aliqui forsan hanc meam excusationem ab ingenii culpa esse profectam, quibus ego quoque assentior. Modo ipsi eadem ornatius politiusque describant, quod ut faciant exhortor, quo lingua Latina etiam levioribus in rebus hac nostra aetate fiat opulentior. Proderit enim ad eloquentiae doctrinam ea scribendi exercitatio.

Some perhaps will think that this my excuse has proceeded from a defect of talent, to whom I also assent. Only let they themselves describe the same things more ornately and more polishedly, which I exhort them to do, in order that the Latin tongue may become more opulent even in lighter matters in this our age. For that exercise of writing will be of profit to the doctrine of eloquence.

Ego quidem experiri volui, an multa quae Latine dici difficulter existimantur, non absurde scribi posse viderentur, in quibus cum nullus ornatus, nulla amplitudo sermonis adhiberi queat, satis erit ingenio nostro, si non inconcinne omnino videbuntur a me referri.

I for my part wished to make trial whether many things which are thought to be difficult to say in Latin might seem able to be written not absurdly; in which, since no ornament, no amplitude of discourse can be employed, it will suffice for our ingenium if they do not appear altogether incongruous (inconcinnous) as related by me.

Verum facessant ab istarum Confabulationum lectione (sic enim eas appellari volo) qui nimis rigidi censores, aut acres existimatores rerum existunt. A facetis enim et humanis (sicut Lucilius a Consentinis et Tarentinis) legi cupio. Quod si rusticiores erunt, non recuso quin sentiant quod volunt, modo scriptorem ne culpent, qui ad levationem animi haec et ad ingenii exercitium scripsit.

But let those be off from the reading of these Confabulations (for thus I wish them to be called) who are overly rigid censors, or sharp estimators of things. For I desire to be read by the facetious and the humane (as Lucilius by the Consentines and the Tarentines). But if they shall be more rustic, I do not refuse that they feel what they wish—only let them not blame the writer, who wrote these things for the alleviation of the spirit and for an exercise of genius.

1. Fabula Prima Cujusdam Cajetani Pauperis Naucleri

1. The First Fable of a Certain Poor Gaetan Shipmaster

Cajetani, qui plebei sunt, ut plurimum navigio victum quaerunt. Nauclerus ex eis admodum pauper, cum ad varia loca lucri causa, relicta domi uxore juvencula, et tenui supellectile, navigasset, post quintum ferme annum rediit. E navi e vestigio ad visendam uxorem (quae interim viri reditum desperans cum alio convenerat), domum proficiscitur.

Cajetans, who are plebeian, for the most part seek their livelihood by seafaring. A naucler among them, very poor, when he had sailed to various places for the sake of profit, having left at home a young wife and scant household furniture, returned after almost five years. Straight from the ship, on the spot, to see his wife (who in the meantime, despairing of her husband’s return, had come together with another), he sets out home.

Ingressus, cum eam majori ex parte instauratam in meliusque auctam vidisset, admiratus, uxorem quaesivit quo modo domuncula, antea informis, esset perpolita. Respondit statim mulier, sibi in ea re ejus, qui omnibus fert opem, Dei gratiam affuisse: — 'Benedicatur,' inquit vir, 'Deus, pro tanto hoc beneficio erga nos suo!' Videns insuper cubile, lectumque ornatiorem, reliquamque supellectilem mundam ultra quam ferret uxoris condicio, cum percontatus esset, unde illa quoque provenissent, et Dei indulgentiam illa sibi subministrasse asseveravit: gratias iterum vir Deo egit, qui tam liberalis in se fuisset. Eodem modo, et aliis quibusdam, quae nova domi et insueta videbantur, conspectis, cum largioris Dei munificentiam affuisse diceret, virque ipse tam profusam erga se Dei gratiam admiraretur, supervenit scitulus puer triennio major, blandiens (ut mos est puerorum) matri.

Having entered, when he had seen that it was for the most part restored and augmented for the better, amazed, he asked his wife how the little house, previously formless, had been polished up. The woman answered at once that in that matter the grace of God—of him who brings help to all—had been present to her: — 'Blessed be,' said the man, 'God, for this so great a benefaction of his toward us!' Seeing moreover the couch and a more ornamented bed, and the remaining supellectile clean beyond what the condition of his wife would bear, when he had inquired whence those too had proceeded, she asserted that God’s indulgence had supplied them to her as well: again the man gave thanks to God, who had been so liberal toward him. In the same way, upon certain other things too, which seemed new and unwonted at home, being seen, since she said that the more lavish munificence of God had been present, and the man himself was admiring so profuse a grace of God toward him, there came in a clever little boy about three years old, coaxing (as is the custom of boys) his mother.

Conspicanti hunc marito sciscitantique quisnam puer esset, suum etiam uxor respondit. Stupenti, quaerentique viro, unde se absente puer provenisset, Dei quoque in eo acquirendo sibi astitisse gratiam mulier affirmavit. Tunc vir indignatus divinam gratiam etiam in procreandis filiis sibi adeo exuberasse: 'Multas jam,' inquit, 'gratias Deo habeo agoque, qui tot cogitationes suscepit de rebus meis.' Visum est homini, Deum nimium curiosum fuisse, qui etiam de comparandis, se absente, liberis cogitarit.

As the husband, on seeing this boy and asking who the boy might be, the wife replied that he was her own. To the man, astonished and asking whence, with himself absent, the boy had come, the woman affirmed that the grace of God had also stood by her in acquiring him. Then the man, indignant that divine grace had so exuberated for him even in the procreating of sons, said: 'Many now,' he says, 'thanks I have and I render to God, who has undertaken so many cogitations about my affairs.' It seemed to the man that God had been over-curious, in that He had even thought about procuring children, with him absent.

2. De Medico Qui Dementes Et Insanos Curabat

2. On the Physician Who Cured the Demented and the Insane

Plures colloquebantur de supervacua cura, ne dicam stultitia, eorum qui canes aut accipitres ad aucupium alunt. Tum Paulus Florentinus: 'Recte hos,' inquit, 'risit stultus Mediolanensis.' Cum narrari fabulam posceremus: 'Fuit,' inquit, 'olim civis Mediolani dementium et insanorum Medicus, qui ad se delatos intra certum tempus sanandos suscipiebat. Erat autem curatio hujusmodi: habebat domi aream, et in ea lacunam aquae foetidae atque obscenae, in quam nudos ad palum ligabat eos qui insani adducebantur: aliquos usque ad genua, quosdam inguine tenus, nonnullos profundius pro insaniae modo, ac eos tamdiu aqua atque inedia macerabat, quoad viderentur sani.

Many were conversing about the superfluous care, not to say stupidity, of those who keep dogs or hawks for fowling. Then Paul the Florentine said: 'Rightly did the Milanese fool laugh at these.' When we asked that the tale be told, he said: 'There was once at Milan a citizen, a Physician of the demented and insane, who undertook to cure within a fixed time those brought to him. Now the treatment was of this sort: he had at home a courtyard, and in it a pit of fetid and obscene water, into which, naked, he tied to a stake those who were brought as insane: some up to the knees, some as far as the groin, some deeper according to the measure of their insanity; and he macerated them with water and fasting so long, until they seemed sane.'

Allatus est inter ceteros quidam, quem usque ad femur in aquam posuit, qui post quindecim dies coepit resipiscere, ac curatorem rogare ut ex aqua reduceretur. Ille hominem exemit a cruciatu, ea tamen condicione, ne aream egrederetur. Cui cum diebus aliquot paruisset, ut universam domum perambularet, item ut exteriorem januam non egrederetur permisit; reliquis sociis, qui plures erant, in aqua relictis.

Among the rest there was brought a certain man whom he placed in the water up to the thigh; after fifteen days he began to come back to his senses and to ask the caretaker to be led out of the water. He removed the man from torment, yet on this condition: that he should not go out of the area. When he had obeyed this for several days, he allowed him to perambulate the whole house, and likewise allowed him up to the exterior door, on condition that he not go out through it; the remaining companions, who were more numerous, being left in the water.

Paruit diligenter Medici mandatis.

He diligently obeyed the Physician’s mandates.

'Stans vero aliquando super ostium, neque enim egredi audebat timore lacunae, advenientem Equestrem juvenem cum accipitre et duobus canibus, ex his qui sagaces dicuntur, ad se vocavit, rei motus novitate, neque enim, quae ante in insania viderat, tenebat memoria. Cum accessisset juvenis: 'Heus tu,' inquit ille, 'ausculta, oro, me paucis, ac, si libet, responde: hoc quo veheris, quid est, et quamobrem illud tenes?' 'Equus est,' inquit, 'et aucupii gratia.' Tum deinceps: 'Vero hoc quod manu gestas, quid vocatur et in qua re illo uteris?' 'Accipiter,' respondit, 'et aucupio aptus querquedularum et perdicum.' Tum alter: 'Hi qui te comitantur, qui sunt, age, et quid prosunt tibi?' 'Canes,' ait, 'et aucupio accommodati ad investigandas aves.' 'Hae autem aves, quarum capiendarum causa tot res paras, cujus pretii sunt, si in unum conferas totius anni capturam?' Parum quid nescio cum respondisset, et quod sex aureos non excederet, subdit homo: 'Quaenam est equi, canumque et accipitris impensa?' 'Quinquaginta aureorum,' affirmavit. Tum admiratus stultitiam Equestris juvenis: 'Ho ho,' inquit, 'abi hinc ocius, oro, atque adeo avola, antequam Medicus domum redeat.

'But once, as he was standing over the doorway—for he did not dare to go out for fear of the pit—he called to him a young Equestrian with a hawk and two dogs, of the sort that are called sagacious, moved by the novelty of the affair, for he did not keep in memory the things which earlier in his madness he had seen. When the youth had come near: "Hey you," said he, "listen to me, I beg, for a few words, and, if it pleases, answer: this thing by which you are borne, what is it, and for what reason do you hold it?" "A horse," he said, "and for the sake of fowling." Then in turn: "Truly, this which you carry in your hand, what is it called and in what matter do you use it?" "A hawk," he replied, "and suited for the fowling of teals and partridges." Then the other: "These who accompany you, who are they, come now, and how do they profit you?" "Dogs," he said, "and fitted for fowling to track out birds." "And these birds, for the catching of which you prepare so many things, of what price are they, if you put together the capture of the whole year?" When he had answered I-know-not-what trifling sum, and that it did not exceed six gold pieces, the man adds: "And what is the expense of the horse and the dogs and the hawk?" "Fifty gold pieces," he affirmed. Then, marveling at the foolishness of the Equestrian youth: "Ho ho," he said, "go away from here quickly, I beg, or rather fly off, before the Physician returns home.

Nam si hic te compererit, veluti insanissimum omnium qui vivant, in lacunam suam conjiciet curandum cum ceteris mente captis, atque ultra omnes usque ad mentum in aquam summam collocabit.' Ostendit aucupii porro studium summam esse amentiam, nisi aliquando et ab opulentis, et exercitii gratia fiat.

For if he finds you here, as the most insane of all who live, he will cast you into his pool to be treated with the other mind-captured, and, beyond all the rest, will place you in the surface of the water up to your chin.' He showed, furthermore, that the pursuit of fowling is sheer madness, unless it be done occasionally both by the well-to-do and for the sake of exercise.

3. Bonacii Guasci Qui Tam Tarde E Lecto Surgebat

3. Of Bonacius Guascus Who Used To Rise So Late From Bed

Bonacius, adolescens facetus ex familia Guascorum, dum essemus Constantiae, admodum tarde surgebat e lecto. Cum socii eam tarditatem culparent, quidne tamdiu in lecto ageret, percunctarentur, subridens respondit: 'Litigantes disceptantesque ausculto. Adsunt enim mane mihi e vestigio cum expergiscor duae habitu muliebri, Sollicitudo videlicet et Pigritia; quarum altera surgere hortatur et aliquod operis agere, neque diem in lecto terere; altera priorem increpans, quiescendum asserit, et propter frigoris vim in calore lecti permanendum, indulgendumque corporis quieti, neque semper laboribus vacandum.

Bonacius, a facetious adolescent from the household of the Gascons, while we were at Constance, used to rise from bed very late. When his companions blamed that tardiness and inquired what he was doing in bed for so long, smiling he replied: 'I listen to litigants and disputants. For in the morning, straightaway as I awake, there are present to me two in female habit, namely Solicitude and Sloth; of whom the one urges me to get up and to do some work, and not to waste the day in bed; the other, increpating the former, asserts that one should rest, and on account of the force of the cold one must remain in the warmth of the bed, and indulgence must be given to the body’s repose, nor should one always be occupied with labors.

Prior insuper rationes suas tuetur. Ita ut, cum diutius disputent atque altercentur, ego, tanquam aequus judex, nullam in partem declinans, audio disputantes, exspectans quoad sint sententia concordes. Hoc fit ut surgam tardius, exspectantes litis finem.'

Moreover, the former defends her reasons. Thus, when they debate and wrangle for a longer time, I, as an equitable judge, inclining to neither side, listen to the disputants, waiting until they are concordant in sentiment. This comes about so that I rise later, awaiting the end of the suit.'

4. De Judaeo Nonnullorum Suasu Christiano Facto

4. On a Jew Made Christian by the Suasion of Some

Judaeum cum multi hortarentur ad Christi fidem, aegre ille bona sua dimittebat. Suadebant complures, ut ea daret pauperibus, quoniam, secundum Evangelicam sententiam, quae esset verissima, centuplum esset accepturus. Persuasus tandem ad fidem conversus est, distributis inter pauperes, egenos et mendicos bonis.

Judaean, when many were exhorting him to the faith of Christ, he was scarcely parting with his goods. Many advised that he give them to the poor, since, according to the Evangelical sentence, which was most true, he would receive a hundredfold. At last persuaded, he was converted to the faith, his goods having been distributed among the poor, the needy, and the beggars.

Inde per mensem fere hospitio exceptus est honorifice a diversis Christianis; cum ei omnes blandirentur, et laudarent factum. Ille tamen, qui precario viveret, exspectabat in dies centupli promissionem: et cum multos satietas cibandi hominis cepisset, jamque rarus invitator reperiretur, coepit homo admodum egere, ita ut ei necesse esset divertere ad hospitale quoddam, in quo morbo correptus ad extremum vitae devenit, cum sanguis per posteriora efflueret. Desperans itaque salutem, et simul pollicitationis diffisus centupli, ex anxietate quadam aerem quaerens, egressus est lectum ad secessum ventris in pratulum propinquum: ubi cum constitisset, quaesitis post egestionem ad tergendum anum herbis, invenit involutum linteum refertum pretiosis lapidibus.

Thence for almost a month he was received with hospitality, honorably, by diverse Christians; while all caressed him and lauded the deed. He, however, who was living precariously, was awaiting day by day the promise of the centuple; and when satiety of feeding the man had seized many, and now an inviter was seldom to be found, the man began to be greatly in want, so that it was necessary for him to turn aside to a certain hospital, in which, seized by disease, he came to the extremity of life, as blood was flowing from his posterior parts. Despairing therefore of health, and at the same time distrusting the promissory pledge of the centuple, seeking air from a certain anxiety, he went out from the bed for a secession of the belly into a nearby little meadow: where, when he had stopped, herbs having been sought after egestion to wipe the anus, he found a linen cloth wrapped up, stuffed with precious stones.

Quare ditior factus, adhibitis Medicis convaluit, atque domo empta et possessionibus, vixit postmodum in summa rerum opulentia. Cum ergo diceretur ab omnibus, 'Ecce, nonne verum praediximus, tibi Deum centuplum redditurum?' 'Reddidit,' inquit ille, 'sed tamen prius ut usque ad interitum cacarem sanguinem permisit.' Dictum contra eos qui tardi in beneficio dando et reddendo existunt.

Wherefore, having become richer, with physicians brought in he recovered, and, a house and properties purchased, thereafter he lived in the utmost opulence. When therefore it was said by all, 'Behold, did we not truly foretell that God would render to you a hundredfold?' 'He has rendered it,' said he, 'yet first he permitted that I should defecate blood even unto death.' A dictum against those who are slow in giving a benefit and in rendering it.

5. De Homine Insulso Qui Existimavit Duos Cunnos In Uxore

5. On The Witless Man Who Thought There Were Two Cunts In His Wife

Homo e nostris rusticanus, et haud multum prudens, certe in coitu mulierum rudis, sumpta uxore, cum illa aliquando in lecto renes versus virum volvens, nates in ejus gremio posuisset, erecto telo uxorem casu cognovit. Admiratusque postmodum et rogans mulierem, an duos cunnos haberet, cum illa annuisset: 'Ho, ho,' inquit, 'mihi unus satis est, alter vero superfluus.' Tum callida uxor, quae a Sacerdote parochiano diligebatur: 'Possumus,' inquit, 'ex hoc eleemosynam facere; demus eum Ecclesiae et Sacerdoti nostro, cui haec res erit gratissima, et tibi nihil oberit, cum unus sufficiat tibi.' Assentit vir uxori, et in gratiam sacerdotis, et ut se onere superfluo levaret. Igitur, eo vocato ad cenam, causaque exposita, cum sumpto cibo lectum unum tres ingrederentur, ita ut mulier media esset, vir anteriori parte, posteriori alter ex dono uteretur, Sacerdos famelicus concupitique cibi avidus, prior aggreditur aciem sibi commissam: qua in re uxor quoque submurmurans strepitum quemdam edebat.

A man among us, a rustic, and not very prudent, certainly unskilled in the coitus of women, having taken a wife, when she once in bed, turning her loins toward the man, had placed her buttocks in his lap, with his weapon erect he chanced to know his wife. And afterward, marveling and asking the woman whether she had two cunts, when she nodded assent: “Ho, ho,” he said, “one is enough for me, the other truly superfluous.” Then the cunning wife, who was loved by the parish priest: “We can,” she said, “make an alms out of this; let us give it to the Church and to our priest, to whom this matter will be most pleasing, and it will do you no harm, since one suffices for you.” The man assents to his wife, both for the priest’s favor, and to relieve himself of the superfluous burden. Therefore, he being called to dinner, and the cause explained, when, the food having been taken, the three entered one bed, such that the woman was in the middle, the man would use the anterior part, the other the posterior by the gift, the priest, famished and eager for the coveted food, first attacks the battle-line entrusted to him: in which affair the wife too, murmuring beneath her breath, was emitting a certain noise.

Tunc vir timens ne partes suas aggrederetur: 'Serva,' inquit, 'amice, inter nos conventa, et tua portione utere, meam intactam relinquens.' Huic Sacerdos: 'Det mihi gratiam Deus,' inquit, 'nam tua parvi facio, ut bonis tantum Ecclesiae uti possim.' His verbis acquiescens stultus ille, quod Ecclesiae concesserat, libere uti iussit.

Then the man, fearing lest he should attack his own part: "Keep," he said, "friend, the things agreed between us, and use your portion, leaving mine untouched." To this the Priest: "May God grant me grace," he said, "for I make little of yours, so that I may use only the goods of the Church." Assenting to these words, that fool ordered that what he had granted to the Church be used freely.

6. De Vidua Accensa Libidine Cum Paupere

6. On a Widow Inflamed with Libido with a Pauper

Hypocritarum genus pessimum est omnium qui vivant. Cum de his semel in coetu me praesente sermo exortus esset, dicereturque omnia hypocritis abundare, qui cum dignitatum atque bonorum ambitione ardeant, tamen simulando ac dissimulando agunt, ut non sponte, sed inviti ac superiorum praecepto honores assequi videantur: tum quidam ex astantibus dixit eos similes Paulo cuidam Beato qui habitabat Pisis, unus ex eis qui vulgo Apostoli vocantur, quorum est consuetudo sedere ad ostium nihil petentes. Cum ut nobis exponeret quis is fuisset rogaremus: 'Paulus,' inquit, 'qui, propter vitae sanctimoniam, Beatus vulgo cognominabatur, sedit aliquando cujusdam viduae ad ostium, quae sibi cibum praebebat in eleemosynam.

The race of hypocrites is the worst of all who live. When once, in an assembly with me present, a discussion arose about these men, and it was being said that everything abounds with hypocrites, who, though they burn with ambition for dignities and for goods, nevertheless by simulating and dissimulating they act so that they seem to attain honors not of their own accord, but unwillingly and at the command of superiors: then a certain one of those standing by said that they were like a certain Paul the Blessed who lived at Pisa, one of those who in common parlance are called Apostles, whose custom it is to sit at the doorway asking nothing. When we asked that he explain to us who he had been: 'Paul,' he said, 'who, on account of the sanctity of his life, was commonly surnamed the Blessed, once sat at the doorway of a certain widow, who provided him food as alms.'

Illa, conspicata saepius virum (erat enim formosus) exarsit in Paulum, ciboque dato rogavit, ut postridie rediret, se curaturam ut bene pranderet. Cum frequens domum mulieris accessisset, illa tandem rogavit hominem ut intus accederet ad sumendum cibum; annuit hic, et cum opipare ventrem cibo potuque farsisset, mulier, libidinis impatiens, virum amplectitur, osculaturque, asserens non inde abiturum, priusquam se cognoscat. Ille reluctanti similis, ac detestans mulieris ferventem cupiditatem, cum illa obscenius instaret, tandem cedens viduae importunitati: 'Posteaquam,' inquit, 'tantum malum patrare cupis, testor Deum, opus tuum erit: ego procul absum a culpa.

She, having often caught sight of the man (for he was handsome), blazed up for Paul; and, food having been given, she asked that he return the next day, saying that she would see to it that he should have a good luncheon. When he had frequently approached the woman’s house, she at last asked the man to come inside to take food; he assented, and when he had stuffed his belly opulently with food and drink, the woman, impatient of lust, embraces the man and kisses him, asserting that he would not go away from there before he should know her. He, like one reluctant, and detesting the woman’s fervent cupidity, when she pressed him more obscenely, at length yielding to the widow’s importunity: 'Since,' he says, 'you desire to perpetrate so great an evil, I call God to witness, it will be your work: I am far removed from blame.'

Tu ipsa,' inquit, 'cape hanc maledictam carnem' (iam enim virga erecta erat), 'et ipsamet utere, ut lubet: ego enim eam minime tangam.' Ita invitus mulierem subegit, licet propter abstinentiam non tangeret carnem suam, totum peccatum tribuens mulieri.'

'You yourself,' he says, 'take this accursed flesh' (for already the rod was erect), 'and use it yourself, as it pleases you: for I will not touch it in the least.' Thus, unwilling, he subdued the woman, although on account of abstinence he did not touch his own flesh, attributing the whole sin to the woman.'

7. De Equestri Palliato

7. On the Cloaked Equestrian

Ibam semel ad Pontificis Palatium. Transibat quidam e nostris palliatus equester, et forsan implicitus curis, hunc quispiam cum detecto capite reveretur, non animadvertit Episcopus. At ille superbia aut arrogantia factum existimans: 'Hic,' inquit, 'asini sui medietatem nequaquam reliquit domi, sed totum secum defert.' Significans eum asinum, qui se reverentibus non responderet.

I was once going to the Pontiff’s Palace. A certain one of ours, cloaked and equestrian (on horseback), and perhaps entangled in cares, was passing by; someone with uncovered head shows him reverence, the Bishop did not notice. But he, supposing the deed to have been done from pride or arrogance, says: ‘This fellow has by no means left at home half of his ass, but carries the whole with him.’ Signifying him to be an ass, who would not respond to those showing him reverence.

8. Dictum Zuchari

8. The Dictum of Zuchari

Perambulantes aliquam urbem vir facetissimus omnium qui viverent Zucharus egoque, pervenimus ad locum ubi celebrabantur nuptiae. Postridie quam sponsa domum venerat, stetimus paululum animi relaxandi gratia, respicientes una psallentes viros ac mulieres. Tum subridens Zucharus: 'Isti,' inquit, 'matrimonium consummarunt, ego jam patrimonium consumpsi.' Facete in se ipsum dixit, qui, venditis paternis bonis, patrimonium omne comedendo ludendoque consumpserat.

Perambulating some city, the wittiest man of all who were living, Zucharus, and I came to a place where nuptials were being celebrated. On the day after the bride had come home, we stood a little for the sake of relaxing our spirits, looking at men and women singing together. Then, smiling, Zucharus said: 'These have consummated marriage; I have already consumed my patrimony.' Wittily he spoke against himself, who, his father’s goods having been sold, had consumed his whole patrimony by eating and by gaming.

9. De Praetore

9. On the Praetor

Quidam iturus Florentiam Praetor, qua die urbem introivit, habuit de more in majori templo coram prioribus civitatis sermonem longum sane et molestum; nam ordiri in suam commendationem coepit se fuisse Romae senatorem, ubi quicquid ab se, itemque a reliquis in suam laudem honoremque dictum factumve exstiterat, prolixo sermone explicavit. Exitum deinceps ex Urbe comitatumque recensuit: primo die Sutrium contulisse se dixit, et quae ibi a se acta erant singulatim. Tum dietim quo in loco hospitiove fuisset, ac quicquid ab eo gestum, quaque de re esset narravit.

A certain man, about to go as Praetor to Florence, on the day he entered the city, held, according to custom, in the greater temple before the priors of the city a speech long indeed and troublesome; for he began, to his own commendation, that he had been a senator at Rome, where whatever by himself, and likewise by the rest, had been said or done to his praise and honor, he unfolded with a prolix discourse. Next he reviewed his departure from the City and his escort: on the first day he said he had betaken himself to Sutrium, and in detail the things that there had been done by him. Then, day by day, in what place or lodging he had been, and whatever had been effected by him, and on what matter, he narrated.

Plures horae jam hac in narratione transierant, et nondum pervenerat Senas. Cum omnibus sermonis odiosi longitudo infensa esset, neque finis fieret dicendi, videbatur autem ille universum diem in his fabulis consumpturus, et cum nox jam appropinquaret, tunc unus ex astantibus jocabundus ad aurem Praetoris accedens: 'Domine,' inquit, 'hora jam tarda est, festinetis iter oportet. Nam nisi hodie Florentiam intraveritis, cum hodiernus dies sit vobis constitutus ad veniendum, officium hoc amittetis.' Hoc intellecto, stultus homo ac loquax tandem retulit se Florentiam venisse.

Several hours had already passed in this narration, and he had not yet reached Siena. As the length of the odious discourse was offensive to everyone, and no end of speaking was made, and he seemed about to consume the whole day in these tales, and as night was now approaching, then one of those standing by, jocular, coming up to the Praetor’s ear: ‘My lord,’ he said, ‘the hour is already late; you must hasten the journey. For unless you enter Florence today, since this very day has been appointed to you for coming, you will lose this office.’ This understood, the foolish and loquacious man at last related that he had come to Florence.

10. De Muliere Quae Virum Defraudavit

10. On The Woman Who Defrauded Her Husband

Petrus contribulis meus olim mihi narravit fabulam ridiculosam et versutia dignam muliebri. Is rem habebat cum femina nupta agricolae haud multum prudenti, et is foris in agro saepius ob pecuniam debitam pernoctabat. Cum aliquando amicus intrasset ad mulierem, vir insperatus rediit in crepusculo: tum illa, subito collocato subtus lectum adultero, in maritum versa, graviter illum increpavit, quod redisset, asserens velle eum degere in carceribus: 'Modo,' inquit, 'Praetoris satellites ad te capiendum universam domum perscrutati sunt, ut te abriperent ad carcerem: cum dicerem te foris dormire solitum, abierunt, comminantes se paulo post reversuros.' Quaerebat homo perterritus abeundi modum: sed jam portae oppidi clausae erant.

Peter, my fellow townsman, once told me a ridiculous tale and one worthy of womanly cunning. He was having an affair with a woman married to a farmer not very prudent, and he would often spend the night outside in the field on account of money owed. When at some time the friend had entered to the woman, the husband, unexpected, returned at twilight: then she, the adulterer suddenly placed beneath the bed, turning to her husband, severely rebuked him for having come back, asserting that he must wish to live in prison: “Just now,” she says, “the praetor’s satellites, to seize you, searched the whole house, so as to drag you off to prison: when I said that you are accustomed to sleep outside, they went away, threatening that they would return a little later.” The man, thoroughly terrified, was seeking a way to go away; but by now the gates of the town were closed.

Tum mulier: 'Quid agis, infelix? Si caperis, actum est.' Cum ille uxoris consilium tremens quaereret, illa ad dolum prompta: 'Ascende,' inquit, 'ad hoc columbarium: eris ibi hac nocte, ego ostium extra occludam, et removebo scalas, ne quis te ibi esse suspicari queat.' Ille uxoris paruit consilio. Ea, obserato ostio, ut viro facultas egrediendi non esset, amotis scalis, hominem ex ergastulo eduxit, qui simulans lictores Praetoris iterum advenisse, magna excitata turba, muliere quoque pro viro loquente, ingentem latenti timorem incussit.

Then the woman: 'What are you doing, unlucky man? If you are seized, it is all over.' When he, trembling, was seeking his wife's counsel, she, prompt for a stratagem: 'Climb up,' she says, 'to this dovecote: you will be there this night; I will shut the door from outside, and I will remove the ladders, lest anyone be able to suspect you are there.' He obeyed his wife's counsel. She, the door having been bolted, so that the man would have no faculty of going out, the ladders removed, brought out a man from the ergastulum (slave-prison), who, pretending that the Praetor's lictors had come again, with a great crowd roused, the woman also speaking on behalf of her husband, instilled vast fear into the one hiding.

Sedato tandem tumultu, ambo in lectum profecti ea nocte Veneri operam dederunt; vir delituit inter stercora et columbos.

With the tumult at last stilled, both proceeded to the bed and that night rendered service to Venus; the husband hid among the dung and the doves.

11. De Sacerdote Qui Ignorabat Solemnitatem Palmarum

11. Of the Priest Who Was Ignorant of the Solemnity of Palms

Aellum oppidum est in nostris Apennini montibus admodum rusticanum. In eo habitabat Sacerdos rudior atque indoctior incolis. Huic cum ignota essent tempora, annique varietates, nequaquam indixit Quadragesimam populo.

Aellum is a town in our Apennine mountains, quite rustic. In it there lived a Priest, ruder and more unlearned than the inhabitants. To him, since the seasons and the variations of the year were unknown, he by no means proclaimed Lent to the people.

Venit hic ad Terram Novam, ad mercatum sabbato ante solemnitatem Palmarum. Conspectis sacerdotibus olivarum ramos ac palmulas in diem sequentem parantibus, admiratus quidnam id sibi vellet, cognovit tunc erratum suum, et Quadragesimam nulla observatione suorum transisse. Reversus in oppidum et ipse ramos palmasque in posterum diem paravit, qui, advocata plebecula: 'Hodie,' inquit, 'est dies, quo rami olivarum palmarumque dari ex consuetudine debent: octava die Pascha erit; hac tantum hebdomada agenda est paenitentia, neque longius habemus hoc anno jejunium, cujus rei causam hanc cognoscite: Carnisprivium hoc anno fuit lentum ac tardum, quod propter frigora et difficultatem itinerum hos montes nequivit superare; ideoque Quadragesima adeo tardo ac fesso gradu accessit, ut jam nil amplius quam hebdomadam unam secum ferat, reliquis in via relictis.

He came here to New Land, to the market on the Sabbath before the Solemnity of Palms. Seeing priests preparing branches of olives and little palms for the following day, amazed at what this might mean, he then recognized his error, and that Lent had passed with no observance by his own. Returned to the town, he too prepared branches and palms for the next day, and having called together the common folk, he said: ‘Today is the day on which branches of olives and of palms ought by custom to be given: on the eighth day Easter will be; only this week is penance to be done, nor do we have a fast longer than this this year, the cause of which thing know this: Carnisprivium this year was slow and tardy, which, on account of cold and the difficulty of journeys, was not able to surmount these mountains; and therefore Lent approached with so slow and weary a step that now it brings with it nothing more than a single week, the rest having been left behind on the road.’

Hoc ergo modico tempore, quo vobiscum mansura est, confitemini, et paenitentiam agite omnes.'

Therefore in this short time, during which it is going to remain with you, confess, and do penance, all of you.'

12. De Rusticis Nuntiis Interrogatis An Vellent Crucifixum Vivum An Mortuum Ab Opifice Emere

12. On Rustic Messengers Asked Whether They Would Wish To Purchase A Crucifix Alive Or Dead From An Artificer

Ex hoc quidem oppido missi sunt quidam Aretium ad emendum ligneum Crucifixum, qui in ecclesia eorum poneretur. Deducti ad hujusmodi opificem quemdam, cum rudes et veluti stipites essent, opifex risus materiam auditis hominibus quaerens, vivumne an mortuum Crucifixum vellent, postulavit. Illi, sumpto paulo temporis ad consultandum, secreto collocuti, demum responderunt, se vivum malle: nam si eo modo suo populo non placeret, se illum e vestigio occisuros.

Ex this town indeed some were sent to Aretium to buy a wooden Crucifix, which would be placed in their church. Led to a craftsman of this sort, since they were rude and as if logs, the craftsman, seeking material for laughter, after hearing the men, asked whether they wanted a living or a dead Crucifix. They, a little time having been taken for consultation, having talked together in secret, at last answered that they preferred a living one: for if in that condition it should not please their people, they would on the spot kill him.

13. Dictum Coci Illustrissimo Duci Mediolanensi Habitum

13. The Cook’s Dictum Delivered to the Most Illustrious Duke of Milan

Dux Mediolani senior, Princeps in omnibus rebus elegantiae singularis, habebat cocum egregium quem usque ad Gallos ad perdiscenda obsonia miserat. Bello, quod ingens cum Florentinis Dux habuit, cum ei aliquando non satis prosper nuntius advenisset, admodum turbavit Ducis mentem. Oblatis postmodum ad mensam epulis, sapores nescio quos cum Dux improbasset, epulas insuper, ut non rite conditas, esset aspernatus, accitum cocum veluti ignarum artis aspere increpavit.

The elder Duke of Milan, a prince in all matters of singular elegance, had an excellent cook whom he had sent all the way to the Gauls to master viands. In the war, which was immense, that the Duke waged with the Florentines, when at some point a message not sufficiently prosperous had arrived, it greatly disturbed the Duke’s mind. When afterward dishes were set before him at table, as the Duke disapproved certain I-know-not-what flavors, and moreover spurned the dishes as not duly seasoned, he, having summoned the cook, sharply rebuked him as though ignorant of the art.

Tum ille, ut erat liberior in eloquendo: 'Si Florentini,' inquit, 'tibi gustum atque appetitum auferunt, quae mea est culpa? Cibi enim mei sapidi sunt, et summa arte compositi: sed te nimium concalefaciunt, et appetitum auferunt Florentini.' Risit ille, ut erat humanissimus, coci facetam in respondendo libertatem.

Then he, as he was freer in speaking, said: 'If the Florentines,' he said, 'take away your taste and appetite, what fault is mine? For my dishes are savory and composed with the highest art; but the Florentines heat you up too much and take away your appetite.' He, being most humane, laughed at the cook’s facetious freedom in replying.

14. Ejusdem Coci Dictum Ad Praedictum Illustrem Principem

14. Dictum Of The Same Cook To The Aforesaid Illustrious Prince

Idem cocus, bello insuper vigente, jocatus ad mensam Ducis, cum videret eum anxium atque afflictum curis: 'Non mirum esse,' inquit, 'illum torqueri: nam duo impossibilia Dux conatur: unum, ne habeat confinia: alterum, ut pinguem reddat Franciscum Barbavaram, hominem opulentum, summaque cupiditate flagrantem.' Hoc dicto perstringens et dominandi appetitum Ducis immoderatum, et Francisci immensam opum atque ambitionis cupiditatem.

The same cook, with war, moreover, in full vigor, joking at the Duke’s table, when he saw him anxious and afflicted with cares: 'It is no wonder,' he said, 'that he is tormented: for the Duke attempts two impossibilities: one, that he should have no confines; the other, that he should make Francesco Barbavara fat, an opulent man, and aflame with utmost cupidity.' By this saying he was scourging both the Duke’s immoderate appetite for dominating, and Francesco’s immense cupidity for wealth and ambition.

15. Petitio Ejusdem Coci Ad Praedictum Principem

15. Petition of the Same Cook to the Aforesaid Prince

Is ipse cum multi peterent varia beneficii loco, summopere in cena Ducem rogavit, ut se asinum faceret. Miratus Dux quid sibi ea postulatio vellet, cur se asinum quam hominem mallet: 'Atqui omnes video,' inquit ille, 'quos in sublime extulisti, quibus honores et magistratus dedisti, superbia et fastu elatos atque insolentes evasisse asinos. Itaque ego quoque asinus a te fieri cupio.'

He himself, while many were asking for various things by way of a favor, most earnestly at supper begged the Duke to make him an ass. The Duke, amazed at what that request might mean, and why he preferred to be an ass rather than a man: “But indeed I see,” said he, “all those whom you have lifted on high, to whom you have given honors and magistracies, puffed up with pride and pomp and become insolent, have turned out asses. And so I too desire to be made an ass by you.”

16. De Jannoto Vicecomite

16. Concerning Jannoto the Viscount

Antonius Luscus, vir facetissimus ac doctissimus, cum ei notus quidam litteras apud Pontificem expediendas obtulisset, atque ipse in certo loco corrigere atque emendare jussisset; ille autem postridie litteras easdem retulisset, veluti emendatas, inspectis litteris: 'Tu me,' inquit, 'Jannotum Vicecomitem forsitan putasti.' Cum quaereremus quidnam hoc dictum sibi vellet: 'Jannotus,' ait, 'olim Praetor fuit noster Vincentinus, homo bonus, sed corpore et ingenio crasso. Is saepius advocato secretario mandavit scribi epistolam ad Ducem Mediolani seniorem, cujus particulam quamdam ipse dictitabat, quae spectabat ad caerimonias verborum; reliqua committebat secretario, qui afferebat epistolam postmodum scriptam. Eam Jannotus legendam sumens, statimque epistolam veluti inconditam atque ineptam increpans: 'Non bene est,' aiebat; 'perge atque emenda.' Secretarius, qui patroni sui stultitiam novit et mores, paulo post revertens, et eamdem epistolam nihilo immutatam ferens, et correxisse se et rescripsisse dicebat.

Antonius Luscus, a most facetious and most learned man, when a certain acquaintance had brought him letters to be expedited with the Pontiff, and he himself had ordered him in a certain place to correct and emend them; but the man on the next day had brought back the same letters, as though emended; upon the letters being inspected: 'You perhaps took me,' he said, 'for Jannotus the Viscount.' When we asked what this saying might mean: 'Jannotus,' he said, 'was once our Vicentine Praetor, a good man, but gross in body and in wit. He, having often called in his secretary, gave orders that a letter be written to the senior Duke of Milan, a certain little portion of which he himself kept dictating, which pertained to the ceremonies of words; the rest he committed to the secretary, who afterward would bring the letter written. Jannotus, taking it up to be read, and straightway rebuking the letter as if incondite and inept: "It is not well," he would say; "go on and emend." The secretary, who knew his patron’s stupidity and habits, returning a little later and bringing the same letter not altered a whit, would say that he had both corrected and rewritten it.'

Quam cum ille tanquam lecturus in manus sumeret, inspecta paululum epistola: 'Nunc bene se habet,' inquit, 'vade et obsigna, atque ad Ducem destina.' Hoc in omnibus suis facere consuevit.'

Which, when he, as if about to read, took into his hands, and after glancing a little at the epistle: 'Now it is well,' he said, 'go and seal it, and dispatch it to the Duke.' He was accustomed to do this in all his affairs.

17. De Sutore Quodam Vicecomitis Per Viam Comparationis

17. On A Certain Shoemaker Of The Viscount By Way Of Comparison

Commiserat olim Martinus Pontifex Antonio Lusco litteras quasdam conficiendas, quas cum postmodum legisset, jussit Pontifex illas legendas quoque deferri ad quemdam amicum nostrum, in quo plurimum confidebat. Ille autem cum paulo esset in cena concalefactus a vino, litteras penitus improbavit, et alium in modum componi jussit. Tunc Antonius Bartholomeo de Bardis, qui aderat: 'Faciam,' inquit, 'in litteris meis, quod olim sutor in farsitio, quod appellant, Joannis Galeatii Vicecomitis egit: cras antequam edat, vel bibat, redibo, et litterae bene erunt.' Deinde percontanti quidnam hoc esset Bartholomeo: 'Joannes Galeatius Vicecomes,' inquit Antonius, 'pater senioris Ducis Mediolani, erat vir magnus, pinguis et corpulentus.

Commiserat once Martin the Pontiff to Anthony Luscus certain letters to be drawn up, which when he afterwards had read, the Pontiff ordered that they be carried to be read also to a certain friend of ours, in whom he put very great confidence. But he, when he had been a little warmed at dinner by wine, utterly disapproved the letters, and ordered them to be composed in another manner. Then Anthony said to Bartholomew de’ Bardi, who was present: 'I will do,' he said, 'in my letters what once a cobbler did in the farce, as they call it, of John Galeazzo the Viscount: tomorrow, before he eats or drinks, I will return, and the letters will be well.' Then, to Bartholomew asking what this was, Anthony said: 'John Galeazzo the Viscount, father of the elder Duke of Milan, was a great man, fat and corpulent.

Is cum saepius multo cibo et potu ventrem farsisset, post cenam cum iret cubitum, vocari ad se sutorem suum jubebat, quem acriter redarguens aiebat fecisse illum sibi farsitium nimis arctum, mandabatque ampliari, ne sibi esset molestum: 'Factum erit,' aiebat sutor, 'ut jubes: cras optime erit.' Deinde acceptam vestem projiciebat ad perticam, nihil immutans. Cum dicerent ceteri: 'Cur non amplias vestem hanc quae nimium ventrem Domini urget?' hic: 'Cras,' inquit, 'cum Dominus post digestionem surrexerit, ac ierit cacatum, vestis erit amplissima.' Mane portabat farsitium, quo ille induto: 'Nunc bene est,' dicebat, 'nullo in loco me offendit.' Eodem modo Antonius epistolam suam digesto vino placituram dixit.

He, when he had often stuffed his belly with much food and drink, after dinner, as he went to bed, would order his shoemaker to be called to him; and sharply reproving him he would say that the doublet had been made too tight for him, and he commanded it to be enlarged, lest it be troublesome to him: 'It shall be done,' said the shoemaker, 'as you order: tomorrow it will be excellent.' Then, having received the garment, he would toss it onto a peg, changing nothing. When the others said: 'Why do you not enlarge this garment which presses the Master’s belly too much?' he: 'Tomorrow,' he says, 'when the Master, after digestion, has got up and gone to take a shit, the garment will be most ample.' In the morning he used to bring the doublet, and when he had put it on, 'Now it is well,' he said, 'it offends me in no place.' In the same way Antonius said that his letter, once the wine had been digested, would be pleasing.

18. Querimonia Spolii Causa Ad Facinum Canem Facta

18. Complaint, On Account of Despoiling, Made To Facino Cane

Apud Facinum Canem, qui fuit vir crudelis, ac dux praecipuus in hac nostri temporis militia, querebatur quidam se spoliatum chlamyde in via a quodam suo milite. Hunc intuens Facinus vestitum tunica bona, quaesivit an illam, cum spoliaretur, gestasset. Cum ille annueret: 'Abi,' inquit: 'hic quem dicis te spoliasse nequaquam est ex meis militibus.

Among Facinus the Dog, who was a cruel man and a chief leader in the militia of our time, a certain fellow was complaining that he had been despoiled of his chlamys-cloak on the road by one of his soldiers. Looking at this man, dressed in a good tunic, Facinus asked whether he had worn that when he was being despoiled. When he nodded assent: 'Go away,' he said: 'this fellow who, you say, despoiled you is by no means one of my soldiers.'

Nam nullus meus unquam tibi tam bonam tunicam reliquisset.'

For none of mine would ever have left you so good a tunic.

19. Exhortatio Cardinalis Ad Armigeros Pontificis

19. Exhortation of the Cardinal to the Pontiff’s Arms-bearers

Cardinalis Hispaniensis, bello, quod eo auctore gestum est in Piceno adversus Pontificis hostes, cum aliquando ad aciem ventum esset, in qua vincere vel vinci eos qui Pontificem sequebantur necesse erat, hortabatur milites ad pugnam pluribus verbis, asserens qui in illo proelio cecidissent, cum Deo et Angelis pransuros; peccatorum enim omnium veniam propositam occumbentibus affirmabat, quo morti se alacrius offerrent. His exhortationibus usus, excedebat pugna. Tum unus ex astantibus militibus: 'Cur tu,' inquit, 'non et ad hoc prandium una nobiscum accedis?' At ille: 'Tempus prandii nondum est mihi, quoniam nondum esurio.'

Cardinal of Spain, in the war which at his instigation was waged in Picenum against the Pontiff’s enemies, when at length it came to a battle line, in which it was necessary for those who followed the Pontiff either to conquer or to be conquered, was exhorting the soldiers to the fight with many words, asserting that those who fell in that battle would lunch with God and the Angels; for he affirmed that pardon of all sins was set forth for those who fell, so that they might offer themselves to death more eagerly. Using these exhortations, he was withdrawing from the fight. Then one of the soldiers standing by said: 'Why do you not also come with us to this luncheon?' But he: 'The time for lunch is not yet for me, since I am not yet hungry.'

20. Patriarchae Responsio

20. The Patriarch’s Response

Patriarcha Hierosolymitanus, qui totam Cancellariam Apostolicam regebat, convocatis aliquando certam ob causam discutiendam advocatis, nonnullos nescio quidem verbis acriter castigavit. Huic cum unus prae ceteris Thomas Biracus liberius respondisset, versus in eum Patriarcha inquit: 'Malum caput habes.' At ille, ut erat homo promptus ad lacessendum ac perfacetus: 'Recte,' inquit, 'ac vere loqueris: nihil enim verius potest dici. Nam, si bonum caput haberem, satis meliori loco res nostrae essent, neque hac opus esset controversia.' 'Te igitur culpas?' ait Patriarcha.

Patriarch of Jerusalem, who was governing the whole Apostolic Chancery, having at one time convened the advocates for a certain cause to be discussed, sharply castigated several—indeed I do not know with what words. When one before the rest, Thomas Biracus, had answered him more freely, turning toward him the Patriarch said: 'You have a bad head.' But he, as he was a man ready to provoke and very facetious: 'Rightly,' he said, 'and truly you speak: nothing indeed truer can be said. For if I had a good head, our affairs would be in a sufficiently better position, nor would there be need of this controversy.' 'Do you then blame yourself?' said the Patriarch.

Tum ille: 'Non me,' inquit, 'sed caput reprehendo.' Facete in ipsum, qui advocatis omnibus praeerat, Patriarcham lusit, qui duro paulum capite existimabatur.

Then he: 'Not myself,' he said, 'but I reprehend the head.' Facetiously he made sport of the very man who was presiding over all the advocates, the Patriarch, who was thought to have a somewhat hard head.

21. De Urbano Pontifice Sexto

21. On Pope Urban the Sixth

Alter Urbanum, olim summum Pontificem Sextum, leviter perstrinxit. Nam cum ille nescio quid acrius a Pontifice contenderet: 'Malo capite es,' inquit Urbanus. Tum ille: 'Hoc idem,' inquit, 'et de te vulgi dicunt homines, Pater Sancte.'

Another man lightly touched upon Urban, once the Supreme Pontiff, the Sixth. For when he was pressing I-know-not-what rather sharply from the Pontiff, Urban said: 'You are hard-headed.' Then he: 'This same,' he said, 'men of the crowd say about you, Holy Father.'

22. De Sacerdote Qui, Loco Ornatus, Capones Episcopo Portat

22. On the Priest Who, In Place of Adornment, Carries Capons to the Bishop

Episcopus Aretinus, Angelus nomine, quem novimus, aliquando convocavit ad Synodum sacerdotes suos, praecipiens, ut qui aliqua in dignitate essent, cum cappis et cottis (sunt enim hae vestes sacerdotales) ad Synodum proficiscerentur. Quidam Presbyter, cui haec vestimenta deerant, maestus domi erat, ignorans undenam ea sibi pararet. Hunc cogitabundum vultu demisso conspicata ancilla, quam domi nutriebat, cum quaesisset maeroris causam, dixit sibi cum cappis et cottis, secundum Episcopi edictum, eundum ad Synodum esse: 'Atqui,' inquit, 'o bone vir, non recte vim mandati hujus cognovisti: non enim cappas et cottas, sed capones coctos Episcopus postulat, qui tibi sunt deferendi.' Apprehendit Sacerdos muliebre consilium, et secum capones coctos deferens, optime ab Episcopo fuit susceptus, qui per risum retulit, hunc sacerdotem solum rectius quam ceteros edicti sententiam cognovisse.

The Bishop of Arezzo, Angelo by name, whom we have known, once convened his priests to a Synod, prescribing that those who were in any dignity should set out to the Synod with copes and cottas (for these are priestly garments). A certain presbyter, to whom these vestments were lacking, was sorrowful at home, not knowing whence he might procure them. A maidservant, whom he kept in the household, seeing him thoughtful with downcast face, when she had asked the cause of his sorrow, he said that, with copes and cottas, according to the Bishop’s edict, he had to go to the Synod. “But indeed,” she said, “O good man, you have not rightly understood the force of this mandate: for the Bishop does not demand copes and cottas, but capons cooked, which are to be carried by you.” The priest seized upon the womanly counsel, and carrying cooked capons with him, was most excellently received by the Bishop, who with a laugh said that this priest alone had more correctly than the others understood the meaning of the edict.

23. De Amico Qui Aegre Ferebat Multos Sibi Praeferri Doctrina Et Probitate Inferiores

23. On A Friend Who Bore Ill That Many, Inferior To Him In Learning And Probity, Were Preferred Before Him

In Curia Romana ut plurimum Fortuna dominatur, cum perraro locus sit vel ingenio, vel virtuti; sed ambitione et opportunitate parantur omnia, ut de nummis sileam, qui ubique terrarum imperare videntur. Amicus quidam, qui aegre ferebat praeferri sibi multos doctrina et probitate inferiores, querebatur apud Angelotum Cardinalem Sancti Marci, nullam haberi suae virtutis rationem, seque postponi his, qui nulla in re sibi pares essent. Sua insuper studia commemoravit, et in discendo labores.

In the Roman Curia, for the most part Fortune rules, since very rarely is there room either for genius or for virtue; but by ambition and opportunity everything is procured, to be silent about money, which seems to command everywhere on earth. A certain friend, who took it hard that many inferior to himself in learning and probity were preferred, was complaining before Angelo, Cardinal of St. Mark, that no account was taken of his virtue, and that he was being put after those who in no respect were his equals. He moreover recalled his studies, and his labors in learning.

Tum promptus ad lacessendum Curiae vitia Cardinalis: 'Hic scientia et doctrina,' inquit, 'nihil prosunt. Sed perge et aliquod tempus ad dediscendum et addiscendum vitia vaca, si vis Pontifici acceptus esse.'

Then the Cardinal, prompt to assail the Curia’s vices: 'Here science and doctrine,' he said, 'profit nothing. But go on, and for some time be at leisure for unlearning and for learning vices, if you wish to be acceptable to the Pontiff.'

24. De Muliere Phrenetica

24. On the Phrenetic Woman

Mulier ex meo municipio, cum videretur phrenetica, ducebatur a viro et genere proximis ad feminam fatidicam quamdam, cujus ope vel opere curaretur. Cum per Arnum fluvium transituri mulierem supra dorsum hominis validioris imposuissent, coepit illa e vestigio nates movere, similis coeunti, ac magna voce clamitans: 'Ego,' inquit, saepius verba iterans, 'vellem futui!' quibus vocibus causam expressit morbi. Qui ferebat feminam, adeo est in risum effusus, ut una cum ea in aquam caderet.

A woman from my municipality, when she seemed phrenetic, was being led by her husband and nearest of kin to a certain fatidical woman, by whose aid or agency she might be cured. When, as they were about to cross the river Arno, they had placed the woman upon the back of a stronger man, she immediately began to move her buttocks, similar to one in coition, and, shouting in a loud voice: 'I,' she said, repeating the words often, 'would like to fuck!'—by which utterances she expressed the cause of the malady. The man who was carrying the woman burst into laughter to such a degree that he fell with her into the water.

Tum ridentes omnes, cum insaniae medelam cognovissent, non esse opus incantationibus asserunt, sed coitu, ad sanitatem restituendam. Et in virum versi: 'Tu,' inquiunt, 'optimus uxoris curator eris.' Redeuntibus igitur illis, cum vir uxorem cognovisset, mens pristina rediit. Haec optima ad mulierum insaniam est medela.

Then, all of them laughing, when they had learned the remedy for the insanity, they assert that there is no need of incantations, but of coitus, to restore her to sanity. And turning to the husband: 'You,' they say, 'will be the best healer of your wife.' Therefore, as they were returning, when the husband had had intercourse with his wife, her former mind returned. This is the best remedy for women’s insanity.

25. De Muliere Supra Padum Astante

25. On the Woman Standing Above the Po

Ferebantur navicula Ferrariam, una cum certis curialibus, duae mulieres, ex his quae serviunt indigentibus. Tum mulier quaedam supra Padum astans, feminas conspicata: 'O stulti,' inquit, 'an putabatis meretrices vobis Ferrariae defuturas, cum certe plures inveniuntur hic quam Venetiis probae mulieres?'

Two women, of those who serve the indigent, were being conveyed by a skiff to Ferrara, together with certain curials. Then a certain woman, standing above the Padus (Po), having caught sight of the women, said: 'O fools, did you think that prostitutes would be lacking for you at Ferrara, when surely more are found here than honest women in Venice?'

26. De Abbate Septimi

26. On Abbot Septimius

Abbas Septimi, homo corpulentus et pinguis, vesperi Florentiam proficiscens, interrogavit rusticum obvium, an portam se ingredi existimaret. Intellexit Abbas an putaret se perventurum in urbem, antequam clauderentur portae. Ille vero in pinguedinem jocatus: 'Atqui,' inquit, 'currus faeni, nedum tu, portam introiret.'

The Abbot of Septimi, a corpulent and fat man, setting out in the evening for Florence, asked a peasant he met whether he thought he would enter the gate. The Abbot meant whether he supposed he would arrive in the city before the gates were closed. But he, joking at his fatness: 'Why,' he said, 'a cart of hay, let alone you, would go in through the gate.'

27. Civis Constantiae Soror Gravida Facta

27. The Sister of a Citizen of Constance Made Pregnant

Nobilis Episcopus ex Britanniis, ad ostendendam quam tunc multi requirebant Concilii Constantiensis libertatem, in magno Praelatorum conventu hoc attulit testimonium. Fuisse ait Constantiae civem, cujus soror innupta gravida facta erat. Cum fratri tumor ventris innotuisset, accepto gladio, quid id esset, aut unde id prodisset, quaesivit, percussori similis.

A noble Bishop from Britain, to exhibit the liberty of the Council of Constance which many at that time were demanding, in a great assembly of Prelates brought forward this testimony. He said there was a citizen of Constance, whose sister, unmarried, had become pregnant. When the swelling of the belly had become known to the brother, having taken up a sword, he asked what it was, or whence it had come forth, like an executioner.

Tum juvenis exterrita, id esse Concilii opus, seque ex Concilio praegnantem. Hoc intellecto frater, Concilii metu ac reverentia, sororem impunitam reliquit. Cum ceteri aliarum rerum libertatem quaererent, ille praetulit licentiam futuendi.

Then the young woman, terrified, said that that was the work of the Council, and that she was pregnant by the Council. When this was understood, the brother, out of fear and reverence for the Council, left his sister unpunished. While the rest were seeking liberty in other matters, he preferred the license of copulating.

28. Sigismundi Imperatoris Dictum

28. Dictum of Emperor Sigismund

Sigismundus quoque Imperator cuidam coram eo querenti Constantiae libertatem non esse: 'Atqui,' inquit, 'nisi hic summa esset libertas, tu tam libere minime loquereris.' Libere enim loqui magnae libertatis signum.

Sigismund the Emperor also, to a certain man complaining in his presence that at Constance there was no liberty: 'And yet,' he said, 'unless there were the highest liberty here, you would by no means speak so freely.' For to speak freely is a sign of great liberty.

29. Dictum Sacerdotis Laurentii Romani

29. Saying of the Roman Priest Lawrence

Qua die Angelotus Romanus factus est a Pontifice Eugenio Cardinalis, quidam Laurentius sacerdos urbanus domum rediit, hilaris, applaudens, totusque in risum ac laetitiam effusus. Cum rogarent vicini, quidnam sibi obtigisset novi, quod tam laetus et alacris esset: 'Bene,' inquit, 'est; magna in spe sum, posteaquam dementes et insani Cardinales fieri coeperunt, prope diem cum Angelotus amentior me sit, Cardinalem me quoque esse futurum.'

On the day on which Angelotus the Roman was made a Cardinal by Pontiff Eugene, a certain Laurentius, an urban priest, returned home, cheerful, applauding, and wholly poured out into laughter and joy. When the neighbors were asking what new thing had befallen him, that he was so glad and lively: 'Well,' he says, 'it is well; I am in great hope, now that demented and insane men have begun to be made Cardinals, that before long—since Angelotus is more out of his mind than I—I too will be a Cardinal.'

30. Confabulatio Nicolai Anagnini

30. Conversation of Nicholas of Anagni

In hanc ferme sententiam Nicolaus Anagninus jocatus est in Pontificem Eugenium, quem dicebat plurimum stultis et insipientibus favere. Nam cum essemus complures, variis de rebus, ut fit, in palatio confabulantes, quidam iniquitatem Fortunae maxime accusabant, querebanturque eam rebus suis admodum adversam. Tum Nicolaus, vir doctissimus, sed ingenio inconstanti et procaci lingua: 'Nullus est omnium qui vivant,' inquit, 'cui magis quam mihi Fortuna fuerit inimica.

To this effect Nicholas Anagninus cracked a joke at Pope Eugene, whom he said favored the foolish and the insipient most of all. For when we were several, as happens, conversing in the palace about various matters, certain persons were most accusing the iniquity of Fortune, and were complaining that she was very adverse to their affairs. Then Nicholas, a most learned man, but of inconstant temper and with a procacious tongue: 'There is none of all who live,' he said, 'to whom Fortune has been more inimical than to me.'

Nam cum hoc tempore sit Stultitiae regnum, in diem omnes fere amentes et insanos, tum Angelotum quoque novimus inter eos ad amplas dignitates atque officia extolli. Ego solus relictus sum ex omnium dementium numero, cui nihil conceditur: hoc mihi solius accidit malignitate Fortunae.'

'For since at this time there is the kingdom of Folly, and from day to day almost all the mad and insane, we have even known the Angelots among them, to be raised to ample dignities and offices. I alone have been left out from the number of all the demented, to whom nothing is conceded: this has happened to me alone through the malignity of Fortune.'

31. De Prodigio

31. On the Prodigy

Monstra hoc anno plura diversis in locis natura edidit. In agro Senagaliensi, in Piceno, bos quemdam serpentem peperit mirae magnitudinis. Capite erat grossiori quam sit vituli, collo longo ad mensuram ulnae, corpore cani similis terete et longiore.

Monstra this year nature brought forth in greater number in diverse places. In the Senagalian countryside, in Picenum, a cow gave birth to a certain serpent of wondrous magnitude. It had a head thicker than that of a calf, a long neck to the measure of a cubit, and a body similar to a dog, rounded and somewhat longer.

Hunc editum cum bos conversa respexisset, magnoque mugitu edito exterrita aufugere vellet, erectus serpens subito posterioribus cruribus cauda circumdatis ad ubera os admovit, tamdiu sugens quoad lac inerat uberibus: deinde bove relicta ad silvas vicinas aufugit. Ubera postmodum et ea crurium pars quam serpens cauda tetigerat, velut adusta nigraque diutius permanserunt. Hoc pastores (nam in armento bos erat), se vidisse affirmarunt, bovem quoque vitulum postea peperisse; idque ex litteris Ferrariam nuntiatum.

When the cow, having turned back, had looked upon this one once born, and, a great lowing having been uttered, terrified wished to flee, the serpent, reared upright, suddenly with its tail wound around the hind legs brought its mouth to the udders, sucking for as long as there was milk in the udders: then, the cow being left, it fled to the neighboring woods. The udders afterward, and that part of the legs which the serpent’s tail had touched, remained as if seared and black for a longer time. This the shepherds (for the cow was in a herd) affirmed that they had seen, and that the cow afterward bore a calf as well; and this was announced by letters to Ferrara.

32. Dictum Magistri Hugonis Senensis

32. Saying of Master Hugh of Siena

Vir insignis Hugo Senensis, Medicorum nostri temporis princeps, mihi quoque retulit, natum Ferrariae cattum bicipitem, seque id conspexisse.

An illustrious man, Hugh the Sienese, the prince of the physicians of our time, also reported to me that at Ferrara a two-headed cat had been born, and that he himself had beheld it.

33. Aliud De Monstro

33. Another On A Monster

In agro quoque Paduano, mense Junii, constat natum esse vitulum duobus capitibus, unico corpore, posterioribus anterioribusque cruribus duplicatis, ita tamen ut essent conjuncta. Hoc monstrum quidam ad quaestum circumferebant, multique id vidisse affirmabant.

Also in the Paduan countryside, in the month of June, it is established that there was born a calf with two heads, with a single body, with the hind and fore legs doubled, yet in such a way that they were conjoined. Certain men were carrying this monster around for profit, and many affirmed that they had seen it.

34. Aliud De Monstro

34. Another On a Monster

Aliud insuper constat, allatam esse Ferrariam imaginem marini monstri nuper in litore Dalmatico inventi. Corpore erat humano umbilico tenus, deinceps piscis, ita ut inferior pars quae in piscem desinebat, esset bifurcata. Barba erat profusa, duobus tanquam cornibus super auriculas eminentibus, grossioribus mammis, ore lato, manibus quattuor tantum digitos habentibus, a manibus usque ad ascellam atque ad imum ventrem alae piscium protendebantur, quibus natabat.

Moreover, it is further agreed that an image of a marine monster, recently found on the Dalmatian littoral, was brought to Ferrara. It was of human body up to the navel, thereafter fish, such that the lower part which ended in the fish was bifurcate. The beard was profuse, with two, as if horns, projecting above the ears, the breasts rather large, the mouth broad, the hands having only four digits; from the hands up to the axilla and to the lowest belly fins of fishes were extended, with which it swam.

Captum hoc pacto ferebant. Erant complures feminae juxta litus lavantes lineos pannos. Ad unam earum accedens piscis, ut aiunt, cibi causa, mulierem manibus apprehendens ad se trahere conatus est: illa reluctans (erat enim aqua modica), magno clamore auxilium ceterarum imploravit.

They reported that it was captured in this manner. There were several women by the shore washing linen cloths. The fish, approaching one of them, as they say, for the sake of food, seizing the woman by the hands, tried to draw her to himself; she, resisting (for the water was shallow), with a great clamor implored the aid of the others.

Accurrentibus quinque numero, monstrum (neque enim in aquam regredi poterat) fustibus ac lapidibus perimunt: quod in litus abstractum, haud parvum terrorem aspicientibus praebuit. Erat corporis magnitudo paulo longior ampliorque forma hominis. Hanc ligneam ad nos Ferrariam usque delatam conspexi.

As five, in number, ran up, they slew the monster (for it could not return into the water) with cudgels and stones; and, dragged onto the shore, it afforded no small terror to the onlookers. The magnitude of its body was a little longer and broader than the form of a man. This wooden effigy, conveyed to us all the way to Ferrara, I beheld.

Cibi gratia mulierem comprehensam argumento fuere pueri nonnulli, qui cum diversis temporibus ad litus lavandi causa accessissent, nusquam postea comperti sunt, quos postmodum ab eo monstro necatos captosque crediderunt.

As evidence that the woman had been seized for the sake of food were several boys, who, when at different times they had approached the shore for the purpose of washing, were afterward nowhere found; these they later believed to have been killed and captured by that monster.

35. Pulchra Facetia Histrionis Ad Bonifacium Papam

35. Fair Witticism of a Histrion to Pope Boniface

Bonifacius, Pontifex Nonus, natione fuit Neapolitanus ex familia Tomacellorum. Appellantur autem vulgari sermone tomacelli cibus factus ex jecore suillo admodum contrito, atque in modum pili involuto interiore pinguedine porci. Contulit Bonifacius se Perusium secundo sui Pontifacatus anno.

Boniface, Pontiff the Ninth, was by nation a Neapolitan, from the Tomacelli family. They are called, however, in the common tongue tomacelli, a food made from swine liver very finely crushed, and, in the manner of a ball, wrapped in the inner fat of the pig. Boniface betook himself to Perugia in the second year of his Pontificate.

Aderant autem secum fratres et affines ex ea domo permulti, qui ad eum, ut fit, confluxerant bonorum ac lucri cupiditate. Ingresso Bonifacio urbem sequebatur turba primorum, inter quos fratres erant, et ceteri ex ea familia. Quidam cupidiores noscendorum hominum, quaerebant, quinam essent qui sequerentur.

Moreover, there were present with him very many brothers and affines from that house, who, as happens, had converged upon him out of desire for goods and lucre. When Boniface entered the city, a crowd of the leading men followed, among whom were his brothers and the rest from that family. Certain persons, more eager for getting to know people, were inquiring who they might be who were following.

Dicebat unus, item alter: 'Hic est Andreas Tomacellus'; deinde: 'Hic Joannes Tomacellus', tum plures deinde Tomacellos nominatim recensendo. Tum quidam facetus: 'Hohe! permagnum nempe fuit jecur istud,' inquit, 'ex quo tot Tomacelli prodierunt et tam ingentes.'

One was saying, likewise another: 'This is Andreas Tomacellus'; then: 'This is John Tomacellus,' then several more thereafter, enumerating Tomacelli by name. Then a certain witty fellow: 'Ho-ho! indeed that liver was very great,' he said, 'from which so many Tomacelli have come forth, and so huge.'

36. De Sacerdote Qui Caniculum Sepelivit

36. On the Priest Who Buried a Little Dog

Erat sacerdos rusticanus in Tuscia admodum opulentus. Hic caniculum sibi carum, cum mortuus esset, sepelivit in coemeterio. Sensit hoc Episcopus, et, in ejus pecuniam animum intendens, sacerdotem veluti maximi criminis reum ad se puniendum vocat.

There was a rustic priest in Tuscany, very opulent. He buried a little dog dear to him, when it had died, in the cemetery. The Bishop sensed this, and, directing his mind toward his money, summons the priest to himself for punishment, as though arraigned for a very great crime.

Sacerdos, qui animum Episcopi satis noverat, quinquaginta aureos secum deferens, ad Episcopum devenit. Qui sepulturam canis graviter accusans, jussit ad carceres sacerdotem duci. Hic vir sagax: 'O Pater,' inquit, 'si nosceres qua prudentia caniculus fuit, non mirareris si sepulturam inter homines meruit; fuit enim plus quam ingenio humano, tum in vita, tum praecipue in morte.

The priest, who had well enough known the Bishop’s disposition, carrying fifty gold pieces with him, came to the Bishop. He, gravely accusing the burial of the dog, ordered the priest to be led to the prisons. Then this sagacious man: ‘O Father,’ he said, ‘if you knew with what prudence the little dog was endowed, you would not marvel if he earned burial among men; for he was beyond human ingenuity, both in life, and especially in death.’

'Quidnam hoc est?' ait Episcopus. 'Testamentum,' inquit sacerdos, 'in fine vitae condens, sciensque egestatem tuam, tibi quinquaginta aureos ex testamento reliquit, quos mecum tuli.' Tum Episcopus et testamentum et sepulturam comprobans, accepta pecunia, sacerdotem absolvit.

'What then is this?' said the Bishop. 'A testament,' said the priest, 'drawn up at the end of life; and knowing your indigence, he left you fifty aurei by his testament, which I brought with me.' Then the Bishop, approving both the testament and the burial, after receiving the money, absolved the priest.

37. De Tyranno Qui Homini Pecunioso Causas Injustas Injecit

37. On The Tyrant Who Brought Unjust Charges Against A Pecunious Man

Homo admodum pecuniosus erat in Piceno in oppido Cingulo. Audivit hoc Tyrannus loci, atque ad eripiendos nummos animum adjiciens, quaesivit occasionem criminis, qua illi pecunias auferret; vocato ad se viro, dixit illum crimine laesae majestatis reum teneri. Cum nihil contra ejus statum aut dignitatem a se factum contenderet, perstabat Tyrannus, asserens illum capite esse multandum.

There was a man exceedingly pecunious in Picenum, in the town Cingulum. The Tyrant of the place heard this, and, setting his mind on snatching away the coins, sought a pretext of a charge by which he might take away his monies from him; the man having been called to him, he said that he was held defendant on the charge of lèse-majesté. When he maintained that nothing had been done by himself against his rank or dignity, the Tyrant persisted, asserting that he must be punished capitally.

Homo inscius, quidnam tandem egisset, cum postularet: 'Hostes,' inquit, 'meos ac rebelles, qui contra me conspirarunt, domi absconditos tenuisti.' Sensit tandem ille nummis insidias parari. Malens igitur vitae quam pecuniis parcere: 'Verum est,' inquit, 'quod ais, mi Domine; sed destina mecum satellites tuos: ego hostes illos ac rebelles tibi statim comprehensos dabo.' Missos itaque lictores domum ad arculam in qua pecunia erat secum duxit, eaque aperta: 'Capite hos,' inquit, 'e vestigio. Hi sunt enim non solum Domini, sed mei quoque hostes acerrimi ac rebelles.' Quibus relatis ad Tyrannum, homo poenam omnem evasit.

A man, unaware what at last he had done, when he asked, ‘My enemies,’ said he, ‘and rebels, who conspired against me, you have kept hidden at home.’ He at length sensed that ambushes were being laid for his coins. Preferring therefore to spare his life rather than his monies: ‘It is true,’ he said, ‘as you say, my Lord; but assign with me your satellites: I will deliver to you those enemies and rebels forthwith, seized at once.’ So the lictors having been sent, he led them home to the little chest in which the money was, and, it having been opened: ‘Seize these,’ he said, ‘on the spot. For these are not only the Lord’s, but mine also, the most bitter enemies and rebels.’ With these brought back to the Tyrant, the man escaped all punishment.

38. De Religioso Qui Sermonem Succinctissimum Habuit

38. On the Religious Man Who Held a Most Succinct Sermon

Oppidum est in montibus nostris, in quo multi ex variis locis ad diem festum convenerant. Erat enim celebritas S. Stephani. Religiosus quidam habiturus erat de more sermonem ad populum.

There is a town in our mountains, in which many from various places had come together for the feast day. For it was the festival of St. Stephen. A certain Religious, according to custom, was going to deliver a sermon to the people.

Cum hora esset diei tarda, sacerdotes autem esurirent, vererenturque longitudinem sermonis, ascendenti suggestum Religioso unus et item alter, ut paucis loqueretur, in aurem hortati sunt. Ille se exorari facile passus, ac praelocutus quaedam prout consueverat: 'Fratres mei,' inquit, 'anno praeterito, cum hoc in loco vobis astantibus, verba facerem de sanctitate vitae et miraculis hujus Sancti nostri, nihil praetermisi eorum quae de illo vel audivi, vel in Sacris Libris scripta reperiuntur, quae omnia vos credo memoria tenere. Postmodum vero eum nihil novi fecisse intellexi, signo ergo crucis facto, dicite Confiteor et reliqua quae sequuntur.' Et ita abiit.

When the hour of the day was late, and the priests were hungry and feared the length of the sermon, as the Religious was mounting the pulpit one and then another urged him in his ear to speak in few words. He, allowing himself to be easily entreated, and having prefaced certain things as he was accustomed: “My brothers,” he said, “last year, when in this place, with you standing by, I was speaking about the sanctity of life and the miracles of this our Saint, I omitted nothing of those things which about him either I heard, or are found written in the Sacred Books—all of which I believe you keep in memory. Afterwards, indeed, I learned that he has done nothing new; therefore, the sign of the cross having been made, say the Confiteor and the rest that follow.” And so he went away.

39. Facetissimum Consilium Minacii Ad Rusticum

39. The Most Facetious Counsel of Minacius to Rusticus

Rusticus cum castaneam arborem ad excutiendos fructus ascendisset, decidens ex ea costam effregit pectoris. Hunc ad consolandum accessit Minacius quidam, homo perfacetus, qui inter loquendum daturum se illi normam dixit, qua servata, nunquam ex arbore caderet: 'Vellem hoc antea,' inquit aeger, 'consuluisses, attamen in futurum poteris prodesse.' Tum Minacius: 'Fac semper, ne sis celerior in descensu quam in ascensu: sed ea, qua ascendis, tarditate descendas. Hoc pacto nunquam praecipitem te ages.'

Rusticus, when he had climbed a chestnut tree to shake down the fruits, falling from it broke a rib of his chest. To console him there came a certain Minacius, a most facetious man, who, while speaking, said that he would give him a norm which, if observed, he would never fall from a tree: 'I wish you had advised this earlier,' said the sick man, 'yet for the future you will be able to be of use.' Then Minacius: 'See to it always that you are not swifter in descending than in ascending; rather, with the slowness with which you ascend, you should descend. In this fashion you will never drive yourself headlong.'

40. Ejusdem Minacii Lusoris Responsio

40. The Reply of the Same Minacius the Gambler

Idem Minacius, cum aliquando nummulos et vestes insuper ad taxillos lusisset (egenus enim erat), flens ad ostium tabernae cujuspiam sedebat. Videns maerentem flentemque amicus: 'Quidnam est tibi?' inquit. 'Nihil,' Minacius ait.

Idem Minacius, when at some time he had gambled little coins and, besides, garments at dice (for he was needy), sat weeping at the door of a certain shop. A friend, seeing him grieving and weeping, said: 'What is the matter with you?' 'Nothing,' Minacius said.

'Curnam ergo, si nihil habes, ploras?' 'Hoc solum quod nihil habeo,' inquit. Admiratus ille: 'Quare ergo si nihil habes, ploras?' ait. 'Ob hanc ipsam causam,' respondit, 'quoniam nihil est mihi.' Alter nihil causae esse cur ploraret intelligebat; alter nihil sibi reliquum superesse a ludo plorabat.

'Why then, if you have nothing, are you weeping?' 'This alone, that I have nothing,' he said. He, astonished: 'Why then, if you have nothing, are you weeping?' said he. 'For this very reason,' he replied, 'since nothing is mine.' One understood that there was no cause why he should weep; the other was weeping that nothing remained to him from the game.

41. De Paupere Monoculo Qui Frumentum Empturus Erat

On the Poor One-Eyed Man Who Was About to Buy Grain

Tempore quo Florentiae summa aliquando erat annonae caritas, accessit pauper luscus ad forum, quaedam sextaria frumenti, ut dicebat, empturus. Rogavit hunc in foro percontantem pretium quidam alter superveniens, quanti sextarium frumenti venderetur: 'Hominis oculo,' inquit, 'constat,' designans his verbis annonae caritatem. Hoc audiens scitulus qui aderat puer: 'Cur tu ergo,' ait, 'tam grandem sacculum portasti, cum non amplius quam unum sextarium possis emere?'

At a time when in Florence there was at one point an extreme dearness of the grain-supply, a poor one-eyed man came up to the forum, intending, as he said, to buy certain sextarii of grain. Another man, supervening, asked this fellow in the forum, who was inquiring about the price, for how much a sextarius of grain was being sold: “It costs a man’s eye,” he said, designating by these words the dearness of the grain. Hearing this, a nifty little boy who was present said: “Why then did you carry so large a little sack, when you can purchase no more than one sextarius?”

42. Vir Qui Mulieri Dum Aegrota Esset Veniam Postulavit

42. The Man Who Asked a Woman for Pardon While She Was Ill

Consolabatur uxorem vir, quae adversa valetudine diem suum obibat, memorans omnia bona mariti officia sibi in vita praestitisse, veniam postulans, si quid unquam adversus eam inique egisset; neque, inter cetera, se ait omisisse unquam, quin debitum toro praeberet, eo excepto tempore, quo illa non recte valeret, ne coitu fatigaretur. Tum mulier, licet morbo gravis: 'Hoc,' inquit, 'per fidem nunquam parcam neque remittam tibi: nullo enim tempore adeo invalida atque infirma exstiti, quin commode possem resupina jacere.' Danda est igitur viris opera, ne hoc veniae genus ab uxoribus implorent, cum rite negari possit.

The husband consoled his wife, who, with adverse health, was passing to her day, recalling that he had in life performed for her all the good offices of a husband, asking pardon if ever he had acted unjustly against her; nor, among other things, did he say that he had ever omitted to render the debt to the marriage bed, except at that time when she was not in good health, lest she be wearied by coitus. Then the woman, though heavy with sickness: “This,” she said, “by my faith I will never spare nor remit to you: for at no time was I so enfeebled and infirm that I could not conveniently lie supine.” Effort must therefore be given by men, not to implore from their wives this kind of pardon, since it can rightly be denied.

43. De Adolescentula Quae Virum De Parvo Priapo Accusavit

43. On the Adolescent Girl Who Accused Her Husband of a Small Priapus

Adolescens nobilis et forma insignis duxit uxorem filiam Nerii de Paciis, Equitis Florentini, inter ceteros suae aetatis egregii ac praestantis viri. Post aliquot dies, ut moris est, adolescentula ad patrem revertitur, non alacris, aut jocunda, ut ceterae assolent, sed maesta, ac vultu languido, intuens terram. Advocatam in cubiculo clanculum rogat mater: 'Nunquid res sint satis salvae?' 'Ut vultis,' flens juvencula respondit.

A noble young man, distinguished in form, took to wife the daughter of Nerius de Paciis, a Florentine Knight, a man outstanding and preeminent among the others of his age. After some days, as is the custom, the young girl returned to her father, not brisk or jocund, as the others are wont, but sad, and with a languid countenance, gazing at the ground. Having called her into the bedchamber secretly, the mother asks: 'Are matters quite safe enough?' 'As you wish,' the young girl, weeping, replied.

'Non enim me viro desponsastis,' ait, 'sed ei cui virilia desunt: nihil enim aut parum habet ejus partis, propter quam fiunt matrimonia.' Dolens admodum fortunam filiae, mater rem cum viro communicat. Deinde re, ut fit, inter consanguineos mulieresque quae ad convivium aderant vulgata, maestitia doloreque omnis impletur domus, cum non nuptam, sed suffocatam adolescentulam egregiam forma dicerent. Supervenit postmodum vir, cujus gratia convivium parabatur, et cum omnes vultu maerenti atque afflicto conspiceret, miratus rei novitatem, quidnam novi accidisset rogabat.

'For you have not betrothed me to a husband,' she says, 'but to one to whom the virile parts are lacking: for he has nothing, or very little, of that part on account of which marriages are made.' Grieving exceedingly over her daughter’s fortune, the mother communicates the matter with her husband. Then the affair, as happens, having been made public among the consanguineous kinsfolk and the women who had been present at the banquet, the whole house is filled with sadness and grief, since they said that the very young woman, outstanding in form, was not wed, but suffocated. Afterwards the man, in whose honor the banquet was being prepared, arrives, and when he beheld everyone with a mournful and afflicted countenance, marveling at the novelty of the affair, he kept asking what new thing had happened.

Nullus erat qui causam doloris auderet fateri: unus tandem liberior ait dixisse puellam, mancum esse illum in virili sexu. Tum juvenis alacer: 'Nequaquam,' inquit, 'erit haec causa quae aut vos conturbet, aut convivium disperdat. Cito hoc purgabitur crimen.' Cum in mensa omnes sederent viri pariter ac mulieres, sumptis jam fere cibis, surgens adolescens: 'Patres,' inquit, 'sentio me culpari in ea re, cujus vos testes esse an vera sit volo.' Deinde educto formae egregiae Priapo (vestibus enim curtis tunc utebatur), ac supra mensam posito, omnes ad rei novitatem magnitudinemque convertit, et, an culpandus aut rejiciendus esset, quaesivit.

There was no one who would dare to confess the cause of the grief: one man at last, more free‑spoken, said that the girl had said that he was maimed in the virile sex. Then the lively youth: 'By no means,' he said, 'shall this be the cause to trouble you or to ruin the banquet. This charge will quickly be purged.' When at table all, men and women alike, were sitting, the food now almost taken, the youth, rising: 'Fathers,' he said, 'I perceive that I am being blamed in this matter, of which I wish you to be witnesses, whether it be true.' Then, with a Priapus of outstanding form drawn forth (for he was then using short garments), and placed upon the table, he turned all to the novelty and the magnitude of the matter, and asked whether he ought to be blamed or rejected.

Major mulierum pars, ut viris suis talis copia inesset, optabant. Viri permulti se ab illo tali supellectili superari sentiebant, qui omnes in adolescentulam conversi, graviter illius stultitiam increpabant. Tum illa: 'Quid objurgatis?

The greater part of the women were wishing that such an endowment might be present to their own husbands. Very many men felt themselves to be surpassed by that sort of equipment, and all of them, turned toward the adolescent girl, gravely rebuked her foolishness. Then she: 'Why do you scold?

aut quid me reprehenditis?' inquit. 'Asellus noster, quem ruri nuper conspexi, bestia est, et adeo' (extenso brachio) 'oblongum membrum habet: hic vir meus, qui homo est, non habet ejus medietatem.' Credidit simplex puella, hominibus longius quam bestiis ejusmodi membrum inesse debere.

'or why do you reprehend me?' she said. 'Our little donkey, whom I lately caught sight of in the countryside, is a beast, and so' (with arm outstretched) 'has an oblong member: this my husband, who is a man, does not have half of it.' The simple girl believed that in men a member of that sort ought to be present longer than in beasts.

44. De Praedicatore Qui Potius Decem Virgines Quam Nuptam Unam Eligebat

44. On the Preacher Who Chose Rather Ten Virgins Than One Married Woman

Praedicabat Tibure Frater parum consideratus ad populum, aggravans multis verbis ac detestans adulterium, dixitque inter cetera, adeo esse grave peccatum, ut mallet decem virgines cognoscere quam unicam mulierem nuptam. Hoc et multi, qui aderant, elegissent.

At Tibur a Brother, not very considerate, was preaching to the people; aggravating the matter with many words and detesting adultery, he said among other things that it was so grave a sin that he would prefer to have carnal knowledge of ten virgins rather than of a single married woman. This too many who were present would have chosen.

45. De Paulo Qui Ignorantibus Nonnullis Luxuriam Commovit

45. On Paul Who Stirred Up Lust In Certain Ignorant People

Alter, Paulus nomine (quem ipse novi), cum Seciae urbe Campaniae in quadam contione luxuriam detestaretur, nonnullos adeo lascivos atque intemperantes dicebat, ut ad eliciendam majorem ex coitu voluptatem, natibus uxoris pulvinum subjicerent. Hoc dicto adeo nonnullos (qui id ignorabant) commovit, ut paulo post id verum esse experirentur.

Another, by the name Paul (whom I myself knew), when in the city of Sessa in Campania, in a certain assembly, he was detesting luxury (lust), said that some were so lascivious and intemperate that, to elicit greater pleasure from coitus, they would place a cushion under the wife’s buttocks. By this saying he so moved certain persons (who were ignorant of it) that, a little later, they experienced that it was true.

46. De Confessore

46. On the Confessor

Mulier adolescens, quae id mihi postmodum retulit, profecta est aliquando ad confitendum peccata sua, prout fit tempore Quadragesimae. Cum inter loquendum se viro non servasse fidem diceret, statim Confessor, qui frater erat, libidine incensus, protento pallio, Priapum erectum in manu adolescentulae posuit, suadens ut sui misereretur. Illa rubore perfusa abiens, matri, quae haud procul erat, roganti, quidnam sibi tantus rubor sibi vellet, narravit Confessoris suasionem.

A young woman, who afterwards reported this to me, at some time set out to confess her sins, as is done in the time of Lent. When, in the midst of speaking, she said that she had not kept faith with her husband, at once the Confessor, who was a Brother, inflamed with lust, with his cloak held out, placed his erect Priapus into the young girl’s hand, urging that she take pity on him. She, suffused with blush, going away, to her mother, who was not far off, asking what so great a blush might mean for her, recounted the Confessor’s persuasion.

47. Responsio Mulieris Faceta

47. The Facetious Woman’s Response

Interrogata semel a viro mulier, quaenam causa esset, cur, cum in coitu voluptatis ita particeps esset femina sicut et vir, tamen homines citius peterent sequerenturque mulieres quam illae viros? Tum illa: 'Summa cum ratione hoc institutum est,' inquit, 'ut potius nos requiramur a viris. Constat enim paratas ac promptas nos ad concubitum semper esse, vos autem non: frustra igitur viri peterentur a nobis cum essent imparati.' Scita facetaque responsio.

Asked once by her husband what the cause was why, although in coitus a woman is just as much a participant in pleasure as a man, nevertheless men more quickly seek and pursue women than women do men? Then she: 'With the highest reason this has been instituted,' she says, 'that we rather be sought by men. For it is agreed that we are always prepared and prompt for coupling, but you are not: therefore men would be solicited by us in vain when they were unprepared.' A shrewd and facetious response.

48. De Mendico Fratre, Qui Tempore Belli Bernardo Pacem Nominavit

48. Of the Mendicant Brother, Who in Time of War Proclaimed Peace to Bernard

Bello, quod primum Florentini cum Duce Mediolani posteriore habuerunt, sancitum est, capitale esse, si quis de agenda pace verba fecisset. Bernardus Manecti, civis facetissimus, erat in foro veteri, nescio quid empturus. Accessit ad eum frater quidam ex his mendicis circumforaneis, qui in triviis astantes aliquid sibi a transeuntibus dari in necessarios usus petunt, ac quippiam petiturus primis verbis: 'Pax tibi,' inquit.

In the war which the Florentines first waged with the later Duke of Milan, it was sanctioned that it was a capital offense if anyone had spoken words about arranging peace. Bernardus Manecti, a most facetious citizen, was in the old forum, about to buy I know not what. There approached him a certain friar from among those mendicant itinerants, who, standing at the crossroads, ask that something be given them by passersby for necessary uses, and, being about to beg for a little something, with his first words said: 'Peace to you.'

Tum Bernardus: 'Quid tu pacem nominasti? An nescis capitale esse, si quis de pace loquatur? Abeo,' inquit, 'ne quis me culpae affinem putet.' Hoc dicto recedens, a nebulonis illius molestia se exemit.

Then Bernard: 'Why did you name peace? Do you not know it is a capital offense if anyone speaks about peace? I depart,' he said, 'lest anyone think me allied to the fault.' With this said, withdrawing, he removed himself from the annoyance of that scoundrel.

49. Fabula Francisci Philelphi

49. The Fable of Francis Philelphus

Erat sermo inter socios, quae poena esset statuenda in uxores impudicas. Bonifacius Salutatus eam, qua Bononiensis amicus suus minatus est se uxorem suam affecturum, existimabat. Sciscitantibus nobis poenam: 'Bononiensis,' inquit, 'vir haud magno existimandus, habuit uxorem satis liberalem, et mihi quandoque obsequentem.

There was talk among companions as to what penalty should be established against impudent wives. Boniface Salutatus was of the opinion that the very one with which his Bolognese friend threatened he would inflict upon his wife. As we were inquiring about the penalty: 'The Bolognese,' he said, 'a man not to be held in great esteem, had a wife quite liberal, and at times obsequious to me.

Cum accessissem domum aliquando noctu, foris stans, audivi eos acriter collitigantes: increpabat enim vir uxorem, accusans impudicitiam ejus. Illa, ut moris est talium, negando se tuebatur. Tum vir inter clamandum: 'Joanna, Joanna,' ait, 'ego te neque verberabo, neque percutiam, sed in tantum refutuam, quoad plenam domum filiis reddam, atque ita solam te cum natis relinquam postmodum, et abibo.' Risimus omnes genus supplicii adeo exquisitum, quo stultus ille ulturum se uxoris flagitia putavit.

When I had come to the house once at night, standing outside, I heard them quarreling sharply: for the husband was rebuking his wife, accusing her of impudicity. She, as is the custom of such women, was defending herself by denying it. Then the man, in the midst of shouting: 'Joanna, Joanna,' he says, 'I will neither flog you nor strike you, but I will copulate with you to such an extent as to make the house full of sons, and so I will afterward leave you alone with the offspring, and I will go away.' We all laughed at so exquisite a kind of punishment, whereby that fool thought he would avenge his wife's flagitious deeds.

50. Cardinalis Burdigalensis De Histrione

50. THE CARDINAL OF BORDEAUX ON THE HISTRION

Gregorius XII, antequam Pontifex crearetur, in Conclavi, et postea quoque, plurima se facturum pollicitus est pro schismate, quod tunc in Ecclesia vigebat, atque adeo aliquibus diebus in eo quod promiserat permansit, ut etiam Pontificatui se cessurum, si opus esset, sponderet. Postmodum vero dulcedine ductus dignitatis, juramenta et promissiones omnes irritas fecit, nihil servans eorum quae antea pollicebatur. Hoc aegre ferens Cardinalis Burdigalensis, vir gravis et consilii singularis, mecum de hisce rebus aliquando loquens: 'Hic,' inquit, 'nobis effecit, quod histrio quidam Bononiensibus se asserens volaturum.' Cum reserari mihi fabulam rogarem: 'Histrio fuit nuper Bononiae,' ait, 'qui, proposito palam edicto se volaturum ex turri quadam, quae est versus pontem S. Raphaelis, milliari amplius extra urbem, praedixit.

Gregory XII, before he was created Pontiff, in the Conclave, and afterwards as well, promised that he would do very many things for the schism which was then prevailing in the Church, and indeed for some days he persisted in what he had promised, so that he even pledged that he would cede the Pontificate, if there were need. Afterwards, however, led by the sweetness of the dignity, he made all oaths and promises null, keeping nothing of the things which he had previously promised. Taking this ill, the Cardinal of Bordeaux, a grave man and of singular counsel, speaking with me at some time about these matters: 'This man,' he said, 'has done to us what a certain actor did to the Bolognese, asserting that he would fly.' When I asked that the story be unfolded to me: 'There was recently an actor at Bologna,' he said, 'who, having posted a public edict, proclaimed that he would fly from a certain tower, which is toward the bridge of St. Raphael, more than a mile outside the city.'

Congregato ad diem constitutum omni ferme Bononiensi populo, sole et fame, usque ad occasum solis, homines ludendo maceravit. Pendebant omnes animi suspensi ad aspectum turris, volatum hominis exspectantes. Cum ille interim in turris cacumine ostenderetur, alasque quateret volaturo similis, seque deorsum projecturum fingeret, erat magna ad haec signa populi acclamatio, patulo ore turrim aspicientis.

With almost the whole Bolognese populace gathered on the appointed day, he, with sun and hunger, macerated the people by toying with them until the setting of the sun. All spirits hung suspended at the aspect of the tower, awaiting the man’s flight. While he meanwhile was displayed on the summit of the tower, and shook his “wings,” like one about to fly, and pretended that he would cast himself downward, there was great acclamation of the people at these signals, gazing at the tower with mouths agape.

Tum histrio, post solis tandem occasum, ne nihil actum videretur, versis ad eos renibus, culum populo ostentavit. Ita illusi omnes, inedia, et taedio confecti, in urbem noctu redierunt. Eodem modo Noster,' inquit, 'qui post tot ostentationes, tandem nobis posteriora ostendendo satisfecit.'

Then the histrion, after the setting of the sun at last, lest it seem that nothing had been done, turning his back to them, showed his backside to the people. Thus, all mocked, worn out by hunger and tedium, returned to the city by night. 'In the same way Our Man,' he says, 'who, after so many ostentations, at last satisfied us by showing us his hinder parts.'

51. Responsio Redolphi Ad Bernabovem

51. Response of Redolphus To Bernabò

Redolphi Camerinensis dictum prudens refertur. Obsidebatur civitas Bononiensis a Bernabove, ex familia Vicecomitum Domini Mediolani. Erat autem ad custodiam civitatis dux positus a Pontifice Redolphus, vir bello et pace egregius, qui se intra moenia continebat ob civitatis tutelam.

A prudent saying of Redolphus of Camerino is reported. The city of Bologna was being besieged by Bernabò, from the family of the Visconti, Lords of Milan. But for the guardianship of the city, there was set by the Pontiff as commander Redolphus, a man outstanding in war and peace, who kept himself within the walls for the city’s protection.

Levi semel per excursores commisso proelio a quo Redolphus aberat, captus eques ad Bernabovem ductus est. Interrogabat ille inter cetera, cur non egrederetur ad bellum Redolphus? Eques, cum unam ac alteram causam attulisset, tandem dimissus rediit in civitatem.

Once, a light battle having been joined by raiders, from which Redolphus was absent, a cavalryman, captured, was led to Bernabò. He was asking, among other things, why Redolphus did not go forth to the war. The horseman, when he had adduced one reason and another, at length dismissed returned into the city.

Tum Redolphus sciscitans quid in castris hostium ageretur, et quae verba Bernabovis ad eum fuissent, cum intellexisset responsionem equitis, egressum suum varie excusantem: 'Non bene,' inquit, 'neque prudenter respondisti. Vade, dic Bernabovi: 'Redolphus ait se ideo urbem non egredi, ne tu ingredi queas.' '

Then Redolphus, inquiring what was being done in the enemy’s camp, and what words from Bernabo had been to him, when he had understood the horseman’s response, variously excusing his not going out: 'Not well,' he said, 'nor prudently did you answer. Go, say to Bernabo: "Redolphus says that for this reason he does not go out of the city, lest you be able to go in."'

52. Alia Responsio Faceta Redolphi

52. Another Facetious Response of Redolphus

Idem bello, quod Florentini cum Gregorio decimo Pontifice gesserunt, diversas partes secutus, nunc uni, nunc alteri haerebat. Interrogatus a quodam cur adeo nutans ita saepe se commutaret: 'Quoniam,' inquit, 'in eodem latere diutius jacere non possum.'

The same man, in the war which the Florentines waged with Pope Gregory the Tenth, following diverse parties, clung now to one, now to the other. Asked by a certain person why, thus wavering, he changed himself so often: 'Because,' he said, 'I cannot lie for a longer time on the same side.'

53. De Eodem Quomodo A Florentinis Pro Proditore Depictus Est

53. About The Same, How He Was Depicted By The Florentines As A Traitor

Florentinis postmodum proditionis habitus reus, publicis in locis urbis, ut proditor, depictus fuit. Cum vero haud multo post sentiret mitti Oratores ad se Florentinos de pace acturos, qua die ad se venturi erant, thalamum ingressus, clausis fenestris, igne accenso (erat autem mensis Augusti), sese pelliceis vestibus cooperiri in lecto jussit. Vocatis deinde Oratoribus, quaerentibus quonam morbo laboraret: Frigore, respondit, quod tamdiu in eorum muris etiam nocte ad aerem discoopertus stetisset.

afterwards, held by the Florentines as guilty of treason, he was depicted in the public places of the city as a traitor. But when, not long after, he perceived that Florentine orators were being sent to him to treat about peace, on the day when they were going to come to him, having entered the bedchamber, with the windows closed, with a fire kindled (now it was the month of August), he ordered himself to be covered in bed with pelts. Then, the orators having been called in, as they asked with what sickness he was suffering: With cold, he replied, because he had stood so long upon their walls even at night uncovered to the air.

Hoc dicto illorum lusit picturam, quae postea ex pacto deleta est.

With this remark he mocked their painting, which afterwards, by pact, was erased.

54. De Quodam Qui Redolphum Sagittando Vulneravit

54. On a Certain Man Who Wounded Rudolph by Shooting an Arrow

Viri nonnulli Camerinenses extra urbem exercitii causa sagittando tempus terebant. Cum quispiam sagittam incautius emisisset, astantem procul Redolphum leviter vulneravit. Capto illo, cum variae de poena inferenda sententiae dicerentur, et, ut quisque acerrime sentiret, ita se maxime Principi gratificaturum putaret, unus censuit manum illi esse amputandum, ne amplius arcu uteretur.

Several Camerinian men outside the city, for the sake of exercise, were passing the time by arrow-shooting. When someone had sent off an arrow rather incautiously, he lightly wounded Redolph, who was standing at a distance. After he was seized, when various opinions were being stated about the punishment to be inflicted, and, in proportion as each felt most keenly, thus he thought he would most gratify the Prince, one opined that his hand must be amputated, lest he use a bow any more.

Redolphus liberum hominem dimitti jussit, dicens, illam futuram fuisse utilem sententiam, si id ante acceptum vulnus consilium dedisset. Plena prudentiae et humanitatis responsio.

Redolphus ordered the free man to be dismissed, saying that that would have been a useful sentence, if that counsel had been given before the wound was received. A response full of prudence and humanity.

55. Fabula Mancini

55. The Tale of Mancinus

Mancinus, vir rusticus, oppidanus meus, frumento ad Figignum Castrum asellis vehendo exercebatur, quos ille compluries ad vecturam sumebat. Cum ille semel a mercato rediens, fessus e via ascendisset asinum quemdam praestantiorem, computatis in via asinis qui praeibant, domo appropinquans, eoque quo vehebatur minime annumerato, visum est ei unum deesse. Turbatus igitur ac reliquis asinis uxori quos restitueret commendatis, confestim eodem asino quo ferebatur ad mercatum septem millibus passuum retrocedit, quaerensque a singulis obviis an asinum quempiam amissum reperissent.

Mancinus, a rustic man, my townsman, was employed in conveying grain to Figignum Castle by little asses, which he would repeatedly take for carriage. When once, returning from the market, weary from the road, he had mounted a certain superior ass, and, having counted on the way the asses who were going before, as he was approaching home—since the one on which he was being carried had by no means been counted—it seemed to him that one was lacking. Disturbed, therefore, and having entrusted the remaining asses to his wife to take back, immediately on the same ass by which he was being borne he goes back to the market seven miles, and asks of each person he meets whether they had found some ass that had been lost.

Cum omnes negarent, domum noctu maerens et dolens jacturam asini rediit. Tandem etiam ab uxore admonitus cum descendisset, illum, quem tanto studio et dolore asinum quaesierat, esse cognovit.

Since all denied it, he returned home by night, mourning and grieving the loss of the donkey. At length, also admonished by his wife, when he had dismounted, he recognized that the very one whom he had been seeking as the donkey with such zeal and sorrow was the one he had been riding.

56. De Illo Qui Aratrum Super Humerum Portavit

56. On The Man Who Carried A Plough Upon His Shoulder

Alter, Pierus nomine, admodum incultus, cum usque ad meridiem arasset, fessis bobus, et ipse labore fatigatus, rediturus in oppidum, aratrum super asellum alligat, deinde asellum, praemissis bobus, ascendit. Qui cum nimio onere gravatus sub pondere deficeret, sentit tandem Pierus asellum ire non posse. Tum descendens atque aratrum super humerum ponens, rursus asellum ascendit, inquiens: 'Nunc recte ambulare potes, non enim tu, sed ego aratrum fero.'

Another, Pierus by name, quite uncultivated, when he had ploughed up to midday, with the oxen tired, and he himself wearied by toil, about to return into the town, ties the plough upon the little ass; then, the oxen sent on ahead, he mounts the little ass. And as he, weighed down by excessive burden, was failing under the weight, Pierus at last perceives the little ass cannot go. Then, dismounting and placing the plough upon his shoulder, he again mounts the little ass, saying: 'Now you can walk rightly; for not you, but I carry the plough.'

57. Responsio Elegans Dantis, Poetae Florentini

57. Elegant Response of Dante, the Florentine Poet

Dantes Alligerius, poeta noster Florentinus, aliquamdiu sustentatus est Veronae opibus Canis veteris Principis de la Scala, admodum liberalis. Erat autem et alter penes Canem Florentinus, ignobilis, indoctus, imprudens, nulli rei praeterquam ad jocum risumque aptus, cujus ineptiae, ne dicam facetiae, Canem perpulerant ad se ditandum. Cum illum veluti beluam insulsam, Dantes, vir doctissimus, sapiens ac modestus, ut aequum erat, contemneret: 'Quid est' inquit ille, 'quod tu, cum habearis sapiens ac doctissimus, tamen pauper es et egenus, ego autem stultus et ignarus divitiis praesto?' Tum Dantes: 'Quando ego reperiam dominum,' inquit, 'mei similem et meis moribus conformem, sicuti tu tuis, et ipse similiter me ditabat.' Gravis sapiensque responsio!

Dante Alighieri, our Florentine poet, was for some time sustained at Verona by the resources of the elder Cane, Prince of the della Scala, exceedingly liberal. But there was also another Florentine with Cane, ignoble, unlearned, imprudent, fit for no purpose other than jest and laughter, whose ineptitudes— not to say facetiae— had driven Cane to enrich him. Since Dante, a most learned man, wise and modest, as was equitable, despised him as a witless beast, “What is it,” said he, “that you, though you are held wise and most learned, are nevertheless poor and needy, whereas I, foolish and ignorant, am furnished with riches?” Then Dante: “When I shall find a master,” he said, “like to me and conformed to my morals, just as you to yours, he likewise would enrich me.” A weighty and wise response!

Semper enim domini eorum consuetudine qui sibi sunt similes delectantur.

For masters always take pleasure in the company of those who are like themselves.

58. Ejusdem Poetae Faceta Responsio

The Same Poet’s Witty Reply

Huic ipsi inter seniorem aliquando junioremque Canes prandenti, cum ministri utriusque, dedita opera, ante pedes Dantis, ad eum lacessendum, ossa occulte subjecissent, remota mensa, versi omnes in solum Dantem, mirabantur, cur ante ipsum solummodo ossa conspicerentur. Tum ille, ut erat ad respondendum promptus: 'Minime,' inquit, 'mirum, si Canes ossa sua comederunt: ego autem non sum Canis.'

To this very man, while he was dining between the elder and the younger Cane, when the servants of each, on purpose, had secretly put bones before Dante’s feet to provoke him, the table having been removed, all turned toward Dante alone and wondered why bones were seen only before him. Then he, as he was prompt in replying, said: 'By no means is it a marvel, if the Canes ate their own bones: I, however, am not a dog.'

59. De Muliere Obstinata Quae Virum Pediculosum Vocavit

59. On the Obstinate Woman Who Called Her Husband Pediculous

Colloquebantur aliquando de pertinacia mulierum, quae ita quandoque perstant animo indurato, ut se mori malint quam cedere ex sententia. Tum unus: 'Mulier quaedam e nostris,' inquit, 'admodum viro contraria, semper verbis ejus objurgando refragabatur, perstans in eo quod coeperat, ita ut superior esse vellet. Habita semel cum viro gravi altercatione, maritum pediculosum vocavit.

Colloquebantur once about the pertinacity of women, who sometimes persist with an indurated mind to such a degree that they would rather die than yield from their opinion. Then one said: 'A certain woman of our people, quite contrary to her husband, always, by objurgating his words, kept contradicting him, persisting in what she had begun, so that she wished to be the superior. Once, a serious altercation having been had with her husband, she called her husband “louse-ridden.”'

Ille, ut verbum id retractaret, uxorem verberibus contendebat, pugnis caedens ac calcibus. Quo magis caedebatur, eo plus illa pediculosum appellabat. Vir tandem verberando lassus, ut uxoris pertinaciam superaret, per funem in aquae puteum demisit, suffocaturum se dicens, nisi verbis ejusmodi abstineret.

He, in order that she retract that word, was pressing his wife with beatings, striking with fists and with kicks. The more she was beaten, the more she called him pediculous. The husband at length, tired from beating, so that he might overcome his wife’s pertinacity, lowered her by a rope into a water-well, saying that he would suffocate her unless she abstained from words of that sort.

Instantius perseverabat, etiam in aqua mentum usque constituta, verbum illud continuans. Tum vir, ne amplius loqui posset, in puteum demersit, tentans si eam mortis periculo a verborum pertinacia posset avertere. At illa, loquendi facultate adempta, etiam dum suffocaretur, quod loqui nequibat, digitis exprimebat; nam manibus super caput erectis, atque ungulis utriusque pollicis conjunctis, saltem quod potuit gestu, viro pediculos objiciebat.

She persisted the more insistently, even with her posture in the water fixed up to the chin, continuing that word. Then the husband, so that she might no longer be able to speak, plunged her into the well, trying whether by the danger of death he could turn her away from the pertinacity of words. But she, the faculty of speaking taken away, even while she was being suffocated, expressed with her fingers what she could not speak; for with her hands raised above her head, and with the nails of each thumb joined together, at least by a gesture, so far as she could, she was objecting to the man as pediculous—charging him with lice.

Unguibus enim eorum digitorum pediculi a feminis occidi consueverunt.'

For with the nails of those fingers, lice are accustomed to be killed by women.'

60. De Eo Qui Uxorem In Flumine Peremptam Quaerebat

60. On the One Who Was Seeking His Wife Slain in the River

Alter, uxorem quae in flumine perierat quaerens, adversus aquam proficiscebatur. Tum quidam admiratus, cum deorsum secundum aquae cursum illam quaeri admoneret: 'Nequaquam hoc modo reperietur,' inquit. 'Ita enim, dum vixit, difficilis ac morosa fuit, reliquorumque moribus contraria, ut nunquam nisi contrario et adverso flumine etiam post mortem ambulasset.'

Another man, seeking his wife who had perished in a river, was setting out against the water. Then a certain man, amazed, while he advised that she be sought downstream according to the course of the water, said: 'By no means will she be found in this way.' 'For while she lived, she was difficult and morose, and contrary to the manners of the rest, such that even after death she would have gone only by the contrary and adverse stream.'

61. De Rustico Qui Nobilem Se Fieri Quaerebat

61. On the Rustic Who Was Seeking to Be Made Noble

Petebat a Duce Aurelianensi subrusticus moribus et vita incultus quidam, qui ei serviebat, ut se nobilem faceret. Id fit apud Gallos emptis possessionibus, ex quibus solis ruri vitam nobiles ducant. Tum Dux, qui naturam hominis callebat: 'Divitem,' inquit, 'te facillime possem facere; nobilem nunquam possem.'

A certain fellow, somewhat rustic and uncultivated in manners and in life, who served the Duke of Orléans, was asking him to make him noble. This is done among the Gauls by purchased possessions (estates), from which alone the nobles lead their life in the countryside. Then the Duke, who knew the man’s nature, said: 'I could most easily make you rich; I could never make you noble.'

62. De Guilhelmo Qui Habebat Priapeam Supellectilem Formosam

62. On William Who Had a Beautiful Priapic Furnishing

Erat in oppido nostro Terrae Novae vir nomine Guilhelmus, faber lignarius, Priapea supellectile satis copiosus. Divulgaverat hoc uxor inter vicinas. Ea mortua, duxit aliam uxorem juvenculam simplicem, Antoniam nomine, quae desponsata praesenserat ex vicinis ingens viri telum.

There was in our town of Newfoundland a man named William, a carpenter, sufficiently copious in Priapic furnishings. His wife had divulged this among the neighbors. She having died, he took another wife, a simple young girl, by name Antonia, who, once betrothed, had fore-sensed from the neighbors the man’s enormous weapon.

Qua ergo nocte primo cum viro concubuit, tremebunda nolebat haerere viro, neque coitum pati. Sensit vir tandem quid timeret adolescentula, consolatusque illam, verum esse quod audierat, ait, sed duas se mentulas habere, parvam ac majorem quamdam. 'Ne te ergo offendam,' ait, 'utar hac nocte parva, quae tibi minime nocebit; postea majori, si tibi videbitur.' Consentiens puella obsecuta est viro, absque clamore aut nocumento aliquo.

Therefore on the night when she first lay with her husband, trembling she was unwilling to cling to the man, nor to endure coitus. The man at length perceived what the adolescent girl was fearing, and, having consoled her, said that what she had heard was true, but that he had two penises, a small one and a certain larger one. ‘So that I may not offend you,’ he said, ‘I will use the small one this night, which will not harm you in the least; afterwards the larger, if it seems good to you.’ Assenting, the girl complied with her husband, without outcry or any harm.

Post mensem vero facta liberior atque audentior, cum noctu viro suo blandiretur: 'Mi vir,' inquit, 'si libet, majore jam illo socio utaris.' Risit vir, cum semiasellus in ea re videretur, bonum uxoris appetitum: hoc postea narrantem audivi in aliorum coetu.

But after a month, having become freer and more daring, when at night she was coaxing her husband: "My husband," she said, "if it pleases you, now use that greater companion." The man laughed, since in that matter he seemed a half-ass; the wife's appetite was good: this afterward I heard him relating in a gathering of others.

63. Responsio Unius Mulieris Pisanae

63. Response of One Pisan Woman

Sambacharia mulier Pisana fuit, prompta ad respondendum. Accedens histrio quidam ad illudendum ei: 'Praeputium,' inquit, 'asini vos salutat.' Tum illa e vestigio: 'Ohe!' inquit, 'sane unus ex suis nuntiis videris.' Quo facete dicto abiit.

Sambacharia was a Pisan woman, prompt at responding. A certain actor, approaching to mock her: 'The prepuce,' he said, 'of an ass greets you.' Then she on the spot: 'Hey!' she said, 'surely you seem to be one of his messengers.' With this facetious saying she departed.

64. Dictum Matronae Quae Vestes Adulterae Ad Fenestras Conspexit

64. Dictum of the Matron Who Caught Sight of the Adulteress’s Garments at the Windows

Mulier adultera expanderat mane ad fenestras varii generis vestimenta ab adultero data. Matrona ante domum transiens, conspectis tot vestibus: 'Sicut aranea telas, ita haec,' inquit, 'vestes suas culo effecit, pudendorum artificium omnibus ostentans.'

An adulteress had spread out in the morning at the windows garments of various kinds given by her adulterer. A matron, passing before the house, on catching sight of so many garments: 'Just as a spider makes webs, so this one,' she said, 'effected her garments with her ass, displaying to all the artifice of her pudenda.'

65. Monitio Cujusdam

65. Admonition of a Certain Person

Rogabat quidam contribulem meum virum facetum tempore vindemiae, ut sibi vasa quaedam vinaria mutuo concederet. Tum ille inquit: 'Do uxori expensas per universum annum, ut ea in Carnisprivio uti possim.' Monuit hoc dicto non esse postulandas ab aliis eas res, quarum usus esset eis necessarius.

A certain man was asking my fellow-townsman, a witty man, at the time of the vintage, to lend him certain wine-vessels. Then he said: 'I give my wife her expenses for the whole year, so that I may be able to use her at Carnival.' By this remark he admonished that one ought not to request from others those things whose use is necessary to them.

66. Dictum Perusini Ad Uxorem

66. Saying Of A Perugian To His Wife

Perusini habentur viri faceti ac perurbani. Rogavit maritum uxor, Petrucia nomine, ad diem festum postridie profectura, ut sibi calceos novos emeret. Annuit vir ejus, et simul jussit, antequam domo abiret, mane gallinam in prandium coqui.

The Perugians are held to be witty and very urbane men. The wife, by name Petrucia, about to set out for a feast day on the next day, asked her husband to buy her new shoes. Her husband assented, and at the same time ordered that, before she left the house, in the morning a hen be cooked for luncheon.

Uxor, cum cibum parasset, ostium egressa, conspectoque simul quem summe adamabat juvene, domum regreditur, dato signo, ut se intus, cum vir abesset sequeretur; et, ne longior mora esset, ascensis scalis se ad terram prostravit, ita ut ex ostio posset conspici. Superimposito autem juvene, clunes ejus cruribus ac pedibus amplexa, concupito operi intendebat. Vir interim existimans uxorem ad festivitatem jam profectam, et simul tardius redituram, socium rogavit ad prandium, dicens uxorem prandio esse fallendam.

The wife, when she had prepared the food, having gone out the doorway, and at once, having caught sight of the youth whom she supremely adored, returns home, a signal having been given, that he should follow her inside while the husband was away; and, lest there be a longer delay, the stairs having been ascended, she laid herself down upon the floor, in such a way that she could be seen from the doorway. With the youth laid atop, embracing his buttocks with her legs and feet, she bent herself to the desired work. Meanwhile the husband, supposing that his wife had already set out to the festivity, and likewise that she would return later, invited a companion to luncheon, saying that the wife was to be deceived with the luncheon.

Cum domum pergerent, vir prius ingreditur, visaque apud scalas uxore supra juvenem pedes commovente: 'Ohe! Petrucia,' inquit, 'per culum asini!' ut mos est illis jurandi) 'si hoc modo ambulaveris, nunquam istos calceos consumes.'

As they were going home, the husband goes in first, and, seeing by the stairs his wife on top of the youth, moving her feet: 'Hey! Petrucia,' he says, 'by the ass’s arse!' as is their way of swearing) 'if you walk in this way, you will never wear out those shoes.'

67. Perfacetum Dictum Cujusdam Adolescentis

67. A Very Witty Saying of a Certain Young Man

Querebatur rusticana mulier anserulos suos non se bene habere, fascinatos verbis cujusdam vicinae, quae, cum illos collaudasset, nequaquam postea addidisset: Deus eos benedicat, prout vulgo dici solet. Haec cum adolescens audisset: 'Nunc causam video,' inquit, 'cur mihi mentula aegrius se habuit his diebus admodum debilitata. Nam cum eam quispiam laudasset, nequaquam addidit ejusmodi benedictionem, quo factum est, ut fascinatam putem, cum postmodum nunquam erexit caput.

A rustic woman was complaining that her little goslings were not doing well, bewitched by the words of a certain neighbor-woman, who, when she had highly praised them, had by no means afterwards added: God bless them, as is commonly said. When a young man heard this: 'Now I see the cause,' he said, 'why my penis has been faring rather more ill these days, very debilitated. For when someone had praised it, he by no means added a blessing of that sort, wherefore it came about that I suppose it to be bewitched, since afterwards it never raised its head.'

Benedic ergo eam, te rogo,' ait, 'quo priores recuperet vires.'

'Bless it, then, I beg you,' he said, 'that it may recover its prior strength.'

68. De Viro Stolido Qui Simulantem Vocem Credidit Se Ipsum Esse

68. On the Stolid Man Who Believed a Simulating Voice to Be Himself

Pater cujusdam amici nostri cognoscebat mulierem viro insulso ac balbutienti nuptam. Semel cum noctu ad eam accederet, credens virum abesse, ostium palam pulsavit, simulans viri vocem, ac sibi aperiri ostium petiit. Vir autem stolidus, domi existens, audita illius voce: 'Joanna, aperi, Joanna, introduc illum,' inquit: 'nam videtur idem, qui ego, esse.'

The father of a certain friend of ours was acquainted with a woman married to a witless and stammering man. Once, when at night he was approaching her, believing the husband to be away, he openly knocked at the door, simulating the husband’s voice, and asked that the door be opened for him. But the stolid man, being at home, on hearing that one’s voice: 'Joanna, open, Joanna, bring him in,' he said: 'for he seems to be the same as I am.'

69. De Rustico Qui Anserem Venalem Deferebat

69. On The Rustic Who Was Carrying A Goose For Sale

Rusticum adolescentem, qui Florentiae anserem deferebat venalem, conspicata mulier, quae sibi faceta videbatur, ridendi hominis gratia rogavit, quanti anserem faceret. At ille: 'Quod facillime,' inquit, 'persolvas.' 'Quid est?' inquit mulier. 'Unico,' ait ille, 'coitu.' 'Jocaris,' respondit mulier, 'sed domum ingredere, et de pretio conveniemus.' Ingressus domum, cum perstaret in sententia, mulier pretio annuit.

A rustic youth, who was carrying a goose for sale at Florence, having been caught sight of by a woman who seemed facetious to herself, for the sake of laughing at the man asked for how much he would set the goose. But he said: 'For what you can most easily pay.' 'What is that?' said the woman. 'By a single coitus,' said he. 'You jest,' the woman replied, 'but enter the house, and we shall agree about the price.' Having entered the house, since he persisted in his opinion, the woman assented to the price.

Verum cum superiores partes egisset, petito ansere, rusticus se negat daturum; non enim se mulierem subagitasse, sed se ab ea compressum dixit. Igitur, redintegrata pugna, munere sessoris fungitur adolescens. Iterum ex conventu mulier cum anserem postulasset, renuit adolescens, pari ratione se cum illa esse asserens; non enim se pretium accepisse, sed repulisse injuriam illatam; nam se prius a muliere subactum.

However, when he had played the superior part, with the goose requested, the rustic says he will not give it; for he said that he had not subdued the woman, but that he had been compressed by her. Therefore, the fight reintegrated, the adolescent discharges the office of a rider. Again, under the agreement, when the woman had asked for the goose, the adolescent refused, asserting himself to be on equal terms with her by the same reasoning; for he had not received the price, but had repelled the injury inflicted; for he had previously been subdued by the woman.

Cum longior progrederetur contentio, superveniens vir sciscitatur, quaenam haec sit controversia: 'Cupiebam,' inquit uxor, 'tibi cenam opiparam parare, nisi hic maledictus impediret: convenerat enim mecum in viginti solidis; nunc, postquam introiit domum, mutata est sententia, duos amplius requirit.' 'Eia,' inquit vir, 'tam parva res impedit cenam nostram! Accipe,' inquit, 'quodlibet.' Ita rusticus pretium abstulit et concubitum uxoris.

As the contention was going on longer, the husband, coming in upon them, inquires what this controversy is: 'I desired,' says the wife, 'to prepare for you a sumptuous dinner, were it not that this accursed fellow hindered: for he had agreed with me at twenty solidi; now, after he entered the house, he has changed his mind, he requires two more.' 'Come now,' says the husband, 'so small a matter impedes our dinner! Take,' he says, 'whatever you please.' Thus the rustic carried off the price and the bedding with the wife.

70. De Avaro Qui Urinam Degustavit

70. On the Miser Who Tasted Urine

Curialis unus e nostris notae avaritiae, saepe mensam familiae accedebat, dum comederet, degustans vinum, an satis aquatum esset: simulabat autem se id agere, ut bono vino uterentur. Hoc cum animadvertissent nonnulli, tandem communicato consilio recentem quandoque urinam pro vino in mensa supposuere, qua hora venturum hominem suspicabantur. Accessit ille more suo, et cum urinam bibisset, nauseans ac semieructans, magno clamore abscessit, minatus multa illis qui haec conati essent.

One curial, a man of ours of noted avarice, often approached the household’s table and, while they were eating, would taste the wine, whether it was sufficiently watered; he pretended, moreover, that he did this so that they might use good wine. When several noticed this, at length, after taking counsel together, they set fresh urine in place of wine on the table at the hour when they suspected the man would come. He came up in his usual manner, and when he had drunk the urine, nauseated and half-belching, he departed with great clamor, threatening many things against those who had attempted these acts.

Illi vero risu cenam finierunt. Hoc ejus rei machinator mihi postmodum retulit multo cum risu.

They indeed finished the dinner with laughter. The machinator of this affair subsequently related it to me with much laughter.

71. De Quodam Pastore Simulatim Confitente

71. On a Certain Shepherd Confessing in Pretense

Pastor ovium, ex ea Regni Neapolitani ora quae olim latrociniis operam dabat, semel Confessorem adiit, sua peccata dicturus. Cum ad sacerdotis genua procubuisset: 'Parce mihi,' inquit ille lacrimans, 'Pater mi, quoniam graviter deliqui.' Cum juberet dicere quid esset, atque ille saepius id verbum iterasset, tanquam qui nefarium admisisset scelus, tandem hortatu sacerdotis ait, se cum caseum faceret jejunii tempore, ex pressura lactis guttas quasdam quas non spuisset in os desiliisse. Tum sacerdos, qui mores illius patriae nostrae, subridens, cum dixisset graviter illum deliquisse, qui Quadragesimam non servasset, quaesivit numquid aliis obnoxius esset peccatis.

A shepherd of sheep, from that shore of the Kingdom of Naples which once gave itself to banditry, once approached a Confessor, to tell his sins. When he had prostrated himself at the priest’s knees: “Spare me,” he said, weeping, “my Father, since I have gravely transgressed.” When the priest bade him say what it was, and as he repeated that word again and again, like one who had admitted a nefarious crime, at length, at the priest’s urging, he said that, when he was making cheese in the time of the fast, from the pressing of the milk certain drops—which he did not spit out—had leapt down into his mouth. Then the priest, who knew the manners of that region of ours, smiling, after he had said that he had gravely transgressed who had not kept Quadragesima (Lent), asked whether he was liable to any other sins.

Abnuente pastore, rogavit, num cum aliis pastoribus quemquam peregrinum, ut mos est illius regionis, transeuntem spoliasset aut peremisset: 'Saepius,' inquit, 'utraque in re cum reliquis sum versatus; sed istud,' ait, 'apud nos est ita consuetum, ut nulla conscientia fiat.' Cum utrumque grave facinus Confessor asseveraret, ille ut rem levem latrocinia et hominum caedem, quae apud eos usu probarentur, existimans, solius lactis veniam petebat. Res pessima consuetudo peccandi, quae etiam illa errata levia reddit, quae sunt gravissima.

With the shepherd refusing, he asked whether, together with other shepherds, he had despoiled or slain any pilgrim passing through, as is the custom of that region: 'Very often,' he says, 'in both matters I have been engaged with the rest; but that,' he says, 'among us is so customary that no conscience is made.' When the Confessor asserted that each was a grave crime, he, esteeming as a light matter the robberies and the slaughter of men, which among them are approved by usage, was asking pardon for the milk alone. The worst thing is the custom of sinning, which even those errors makes light which are most grievous.

72. De Lusore Propter Lusum In Carcerem Truso

72. On the Gambler Thrust into Prison Because of Gambling

Est in oppido Terrae Novae certa constituta poena his qui luserunt ad talos. Quidam notus meus, in ludo deprehensus, contracta poena, in carcerem trusus fuit. Cum peteretur ab eo, cur ibi reclusus esset: 'Hic noster Praetor,' inquit, 'quia quod meum erat lusi, me in carcerem posuit.

There is in the town of Terrae Novae a certain established penalty for those who have played at knucklebones (dice). A certain acquaintance of mine, caught in the game, the penalty incurred, was thrust into prison. When it was asked of him why he was shut up there: “This our Praetor,” he said, “because I gambled what was mine, put me into prison.”

Quidnam hic ageret, si lusissem suum?'

'What, pray, would this man do, if I had played his?'

73. De Patre Filium Ebrium Redarguente

73. On a Father Rebuking His Drunken Son

Pater, cum filii ebrietatem saepius nequicquam redarguisset, conspecto semel in via ebrio, erectis verendis, turpiter jacente, pueris quoque permultis qui circumstabant ridentibus atque illudentibus, filium ad tam verecundum spectaculum vocavit, existimans hoc exemplo ab ebrietate deterreri eum posse. Ille autem, viso ebrio: 'Rogo, pater,' inquit, 'ubi est id vinum, quo iste ebrius factus est, ut ego etiam ejus vini dulcedinem degustem?' non ebrii turpitudine absterritus, sed vini cupiditate commotus.

Father, since he had all too often rebuked his son’s ebriety in vain, once, upon seeing on the road an inebriate, with his privy parts erect, lying disgracefully, and very many boys standing around laughing and mocking, called his son to so shamefaced a spectacle, thinking that by this example he could deter him from ebriety. But he, after seeing the drunkard, said: 'I beg, father, where is that wine by which this man has been made drunk, that I too may taste the sweetness of that wine?'—not deterred by the disgrace of the drunkard, but moved by a desire for wine.

74. De Adolescente Perusino

74. On the Perugian Adolescent

Hispinam quoque Perusinum, adolescentem nobilem atque admodum dissolutum, cum opprobrio ceteris ex ea familia esset, ad se vocavit semel Simon Caeculus, cognatus ejus, senex magnae auctoritatis atque admodum prudens: et cum rationibus multis adolescentem ad meliorem vitam hortatus esset, detestans vitia, virtutes vero collaudans, postquam tandem peroravit: 'Simon,' inquit ille, 'composite atque ornate admodum, sicuti virum eloquentem decet, fecisti verba: verum centies jam pulchriores orationes in hanc sententiam audivi, et tamen nihil eorum quae dicebantur unquam facere volui.' Nihil amplius superior exemplo quam hic verbis profuit.

Simon Caeculus, his kinsman, an old man of great authority and very prudent, once called to himself Hispina also, the Perusian, a noble and very dissolute adolescent, since he was a reproach to the others of that family: and when with many reasons he had exhorted the youth to a better life, detesting vices, but highly praising virtues, after he had at length perorated, “Simon,” said he, “most fittingly and ornately, as befits an eloquent man, you have made your words: but a hundred times already I have heard more beautiful orations to this purport, and yet I have never wished to do any of the things that were being said.” The former profited no more by example than this one by words.

75. De Duce Andegavensi Qui Pretiosam Supellectilem Redolpho Ostendit

75. On the Duke of Anjou Who Showed Precious Furnishings to Rudolph

Erat sermo aliquando in coetu doctorum virorum reprehendentium inanem eorum curam, qui multum studii operaeque in quaerendis emendisque pretiosis lapidibus ponunt. Hic quidam: 'Recte,' inquit, 'Redolphus ex Camerino Ducis Andegavensis, cum ad Regnum Neapolitanum proficisceretur, stultitiam monstravit. Cum enim Redolphus ad eum visendum in castra venisset, ostendit ei Dux pretiosam admodum supellectilem, interque cetera margaritas, saphiros, carbunculos, et ceteros lapides, magno qui in pretio habentur.

There was conversation once in an assembly of learned men, reproving the empty concern of those who put much study and effort into seeking and buying precious stones. Here one said: 'Rightly,' he says, 'Redolphus of Camerino showed the folly of the Duke of Anjou, when he was setting out to the Neapolitan Kingdom. For when Redolphus had come into the camp to see him, the Duke showed him very precious furnishings, and among the rest pearls, sapphires, carbuncles, and the other stones which are held in great price.

His conspectis, quaesivit Redolphus quanto lapides illi existimarentur et quid utilitatis afferrent. Magnum quid aestimari Dux respondit, sed nihil afferre lucri. Tum Redolphus 'Ostendam tibi,' inquit, 'duos lapides decem florenorum, qui mihi annuatim ducentos reddunt,' ac deinde cum Ducem haec admirantem ad molendinum quod ipse construi fecerat duxisset, duos molares lapides ei ostendit, dicens illos esse, qui suorum pretiosorum utilitatem virtutemque superarent.

On seeing these, Redolphus asked how much those stones were estimated to be worth and what utility they would bring. The Duke replied that they were valued at a great sum, but brought no profit. Then Redolphus said, 'I will show you two stones of 10 florins, which render to me 200 yearly'; and then, when he had led the Duke, marveling at these things, to a mill which he had caused to be constructed, he showed him two millstones, saying that these were the ones which surpassed the usefulness and virtue of his precious things.

76. De Eodem Redolpho

76. On the Same Redolphus

Hic ipse cuidam Camerinensi, qui visendi causa orbem peragrare cupiebat, jussit usque Maceratam oppidum proficisci. Quod ille cum effecisset: 'Orbem,' inquit, 'terrarum universum conspexisti,' nihil esse aliud asserens mundum hunc quam colles, convalles, montes, planitiem, culta atque inculta loca, nemora et silvas, quae omnia eo loci spatio continentur.

This very man to a certain Camerinian, who was desiring to traverse the orb for the sake of seeing, ordered to set out as far as the town of Macerata. When he had accomplished that: 'You have beheld the entire orb of the lands,' he said, asserting that this world is nothing else than hills, valleys, mountains, plain, cultivated and uncultivated places, groves and woods, all of which are contained within the space of that place.

77. Facetissimum Dictum Cujusdam Perusini

77. A Most Witty Saying of a Certain Perusian

Erat Perusino cuidam dolium vini sapidi et boni admodum parvum. Ad eum pro vino cum quidam puerum cum vase majusculo destinasset, sumpto in manibus vase, atque ad nares admoto: 'Ohe!,' inquit, 'vas istud admodum foetet. Nunquam in hoc vinum meum infundam: vade atque ad eum qui te misit istud reporta.'

There was to a certain Perusian a cask of wine, sapid and good, very small. When someone had dispatched a boy to him for the wine with a rather large vessel, having taken the vessel in his hands and brought it to his nostrils: 'Hey!,' he said, 'that vessel reeks exceedingly. Never will I pour my wine into this: go and take that back to him who sent you.'

78. Contentio Duarum Meretricum De Tela Linea

78. Dispute of Two Prostitutes About a Linen Cloth

Duae Romanae mulieres, quas novi, diversa aetate et forma, iverunt domum Curialis cujusdam e nostris, voluptatis ac praemii causa. Is cum pulchriorem bis cognovisset, alteram semel tamen attigit; tum, ne se spretam putaret, tum ut iterum rediret cum socia. Abeuntibus telam lineam dono dedit, non discernens quanta esset futura cuique portio.

Two Roman women, whom I know, of different age and form, went to the house of a certain Curialis of ours, for the sake of pleasure and reward. He, when he had known the more beautiful twice, nevertheless touched the other once; both lest she think herself spurned, and so that she might return again with her companion. As they were departing, he gave a linen cloth as a gift, not distinguishing how great the portion would be for each.

In divisione, clancula contentio orta est inter feminas, altera duas partes, secundum opus exactum, altera medietatem secundum personas postulante. Diversae utrinque variaeque rationes afferebantur, cum una majorem se laborem perpessam esse, reliqua parem fuisse contenderet. Ex verbis ad verbera devenerunt, ac unguium capillorumque certamen.

In the division, a clandestine contention arose between the women, one demanding two parts according to the work exacted (completed), the other a moiety according to the persons. Diverse and various reasons were adduced on both sides, since the one maintained that she had undergone the greater labor, while the other contended it had been equal. From words they descended to blows, and to a contest of nails and hair.

Primo vicini, inde etiam mariti concurrunt, dissidii causam ignorantes, utraque sibi verborum contumeliam illatam asserente. Viris suae cujusque uxoris causam tuentibus, mulierum pugna ad viros descendit: vectibus ac lapidibus acta res est, donec concurrentium interventus proelium diremit. Viri, dissensionis causam ignorantes, inimicitiam servant reclusi in caveis, more Romano.

At first the neighbors, then even the husbands, run together, ignorant of the cause of the dissension, as each woman asserted that an insult of words had been inflicted on herself. With the men defending the cause of each his own wife, the women’s fight descended to the men: the affair was driven with levers and stones, until the intervention of those who had run together sundered the battle. The men, ignorant of the cause of the dissension, preserve enmity, shut up in cages, in the Roman manner.

Pannus est apud quemdam ob rem indiscussam nondum divisus, sed occulte a mulieribus de dividendo agitur. Quaeritur a doctoribus quid sit juris.

A cloth is with a certain man, not yet divided on account of an unexamined matter; but secretly the women are dealing about dividing it. It is asked of the doctors what the law is.

79. De Gallo Et Vulpe

79. On The Rooster And The Fox

Esuriens quondam Vulpes, ad decipiendas gallinas, quae, Gallo duce, arborem excelsiorem quo sibi aditus non erat, ascenderant, ad Gallum blande accessit, quem comiter cum salutasset: 'Quid in excelso agis?' inquit. 'Numquid non audisti nova haec recentia tam salutaria nobis?' 'Nequaquam,' Gallus cum respondisset, 'atque praenuntia,' — 'Huc accessi,' ait, 'ad communicandum tecum alacritatem. Animalium omnium concilium celebratum est, in quo pacem perpetuam omnium animantium inter se firmarunt, ita ut, omni sublato timore, nulli ab altero insidiae aut injuriae fieri amplius queant, sed pace et concordia omnes fruantur.

A hungry Fox once, to deceive the hens who, with the Rooster as leader, had climbed a rather lofty tree to which she had no access, approached the Rooster blandly; and when she had courteously saluted him: 'What are you doing on high?' she says. 'Have you not heard these fresh new things so salutary for us?' When the Rooster had answered, 'By no means; and are you the herald?'— 'I have come here,' she says, 'to communicate with you the alacrity. A council of all the animals has been celebrated, in which they have ratified a perpetual peace of all living creatures among themselves, such that, with all fear removed, no ambushes or injuries can any longer be done by one to another, but all may enjoy peace and concord.'

Licet abire unicuique, vel soli, quo velit, secure. Descendite igitur, et hunc festum agamus diem.' Agnita Vulpis fallacia Gallus: 'Bonum,' inquit, 'affers nuntium et mihi gratum,' et simul collum altius protendens, prospecturoque longius et admiranti similis, in pedes se erexit. 'Tu quidnam aspicis?' Vulpes cum dixisset, — 'Duos,' inquit, 'magno cursu, ore patulo adventantes canes.' Tum tremebunda Vulpes: 'Valete,' inquit, 'mihi fuga expedit, antequam illi adveniant,' et simul coepit abire.

“It is permitted for each one to depart, even alone, whither he wills, securely. Descend therefore, and let us keep this day as a festival.” The Rooster, the Fox’s fallacy having been recognized, said: “Good; you bring news and welcome to me,” and at once, stretching his neck higher, and like one who is going to look farther and to admire, he raised himself up on his feet. When the Fox had said, “What indeed are you looking at?” — “Two,” he says, “dogs approaching at great speed, with gaping maw.” Then the Fox, trembling: “Farewell,” she says, “flight is expedient for me, before those arrive,” and at once began to go away.

Hic Gallus: 'Quonam fugis, aut quid times?' ait, 'siquidem pace constituta, nihil est timendum.' 'Dubito,' inquit Vulpes, 'an canes isti audierunt decretum pacis.' Hoc pacto, dolo illusus est dolus.

Here the Rooster: 'Whither do you flee, or what do you fear?' he says, 'since, with peace constituted, nothing is to be feared.' 'I doubt,' says the Fox, 'whether those dogs have heard the decree of peace.' By this pact, trickery was tricked by trickery.

80. Facetum Dictum

80. A Witty Dictum

Vir in dicendo liberior, cum quid audacius loquens in palatio Pontificis, gestu jocoque dissolutiori uteretur: 'Quid ais?' inquit socius quidam, 'stultus quidem diceris.' Tum ille: 'Hoc,' inquit, 'permagni lucri loco ponerem. Non enim alio pacto possum carus esse his qui nunc regnant, cum stultorum hoc tempus existat, atque hi soli potiantur rerum.'

A man freer in speaking, when, speaking somewhat more audaciously in the Pontiff’s palace, he was employing a more dissolute gesture and jest: 'What do you say?' says a certain associate, 'you would indeed be called a fool.' Then he: 'This I would set down as a matter of very great gain. For by no other pact can I be dear to those who now reign, since this is the time of fools, and they alone are in possession of affairs.'

81. Disceptatio Inter Florentinum Et Venetum

81. Disceptation Between a Florentine and a Venetian

Venetis foedus erat cum Duce Mediolani ad decennium. Interim primo inter Florentinos Ducemque orto bello, cum Florentinorum res deteriori loco viderentur, Veneti Ducem haud quicquam hostile timentem adorti, rupto foedere, Brixiam occuparunt: veriti ne, si Dux superior esset, omnis belli moles in se verteretur. Florentino Venetoque postmodum de hac re disceptantibus, cum Venetus diceret: 'Nobis libertatem debetis: nam nostra opera liberi estis.' 'Hoc nequaquam verum est,' inquit ad retundendam illius petulantiam Florentinus: 'non enim nos liberos esse fecistis, sed nos vos reddidimus proditores.'

The Venetians had a treaty with the Duke of Milan for ten years. Meanwhile, when at first a war had arisen between the Florentines and the Duke, since the affairs of the Florentines seemed in a worse position, the Venetians, having assailed the Duke, who feared nothing hostile, with the treaty broken, seized Brescia: fearing lest, if the Duke were superior, the whole mass of the war would turn upon themselves. When afterward the Florentine and the Venetian were disputing about this matter, when the Venetian said: 'You owe liberty to us: for by our agency you are free.' 'This is by no means true,' said the Florentine, to blunt that man’s petulance: 'for you did not make us free, but we made you traitors.'

82. Comparatio Antonii Lusci

82. Comparison of Antonius Luscus

Ciriacus Anconitanus, homo verbosus et nimium loquax, deplorabat aliquando, astantibus nobis, casum atque eversionem Imperii Romani, inque ea re vehementius angi videbatur. Tum Antonius Luscus, vir doctissimus, qui in coetu aderat, ridens hominis stultam curam: 'Hic persimilis est,' inquit, 'viro Mediolanensi, qui, die festo, cum audisset unum e grege cantorum (qui gesta heroum ad plebem decantant) recitantem mortem Rolandi, qui septingentis jam ferme annis in proelio occubuit, coepit acriter flere, atque inde, cum uxor domum reversum maestum ac gementem vidisset, rogassetque quidnam accidisset novi: 'Heu! mea uxor,' inquit, 'defunctus sum!' 'Mi vir,' uxor ait, 'quid tibi adversi evenit?

Ciriacus of Ancona, a verbose and excessively loquacious man, was at one time lamenting, we standing by, the fall and overthrow of the Roman Empire, and he seemed to be anguished more vehemently in this matter. Then Antonius Luscus, a most learned man, who was present in the assembly, laughing at the man’s foolish care: 'This fellow is very similar,' he said, 'to a man of Milan who, on a feast day, when he had heard one from a troupe of singers (who chant to the common people the deeds of heroes) reciting the death of Roland, who nearly seven hundred years ago fell in battle, began to weep bitterly; and then, when his wife saw him returned home sad and groaning, and had asked what new thing had happened: 'Alas! my wife,' he said, 'I am deceased!' 'My husband,' the wife said, 'what adverse thing has befallen you?

Solare, atque ad cenam veni.' At ille cum in gemitu perseveraret, neque cibum vellet sumere, tandem instantius maeroris causam percontanti mulieri: 'An nescis,' respondit, 'quae nova hodie audivi?' 'Quaenam, vir?' uxor inquit. 'Mortuus est Rolandus, qui solus tuebatur Christianos!' Solata est mulier insulsam maestitiam viri, et vix tandem ad cenam potuit illum perducere.'

"Console yourself, and come to dinner." But he, persevering in his lament and unwilling to take food, at length, to the woman who was more urgently inquiring the cause of his sorrow, replied: "Do you not know what news I heard today?" "What, husband?" said the wife. "Roland is dead, he who alone was protecting the Christians!" The woman consoled her husband’s silly grief, and at last could scarcely lead him to dinner."

83. De Cantore Qui Praedixit Se 'Mortem Hectoris' Recitaturum

83. On the Cantor Who Predicted He Would Recite the 'Death of Hector'

Subjunxit alter similis fabellam stultitiae: 'Quidam,' inquit, 'vicinus meus, homo simplex, audiebat quempiam ex ejusmodi cantoribus, qui in fine sermonis ad illiciendam audientium plebem, praedixit se postridie 'Mortem Hectoris' recitaturum. Hic noster, antequam cantor abiret, pretio redemit, ne tam cito Hectorem virum bello utilem interficeret. Ille 'Mortem' postero die distulit.

Subjoined another a similar little fable of folly: 'A certain man,' he said, 'my neighbor, a simple man, was listening to someone from those sorts of cantors, who, at the end of the sermon, to allure the listening crowd, foretold that on the next day he would recite 'The Death of Hector.' This fellow of ours, before the cantor went away, redeemed him for a price, lest he so quickly kill Hector, a man useful in war. He deferred the 'Death' on the following day.

Alter vero saepius pretium dedit sequentibus diebus pro vitae dilatione. Et cum pecuniae defuissent, tandem mortem ejus multo fletu ac dolore narrari audivit.'

The other man, however, repeatedly paid a price on the subsequent days for the prolongation of life. And when the monies had run out, at last he heard his death being recited with much weeping and grief.'

84. De Muliere Quae Se Viro Semimortuam Ostendit

84. On the Woman Who Showed Herself to Her Husband Half-dead

Sarda oppidum est in montibus nostris situm. In eo cum vir simplex uxorem cum altero coeuntem deprehendisset, illa statim se semimortuam simulavit, prosternens se ad terram, similis defunctae. Accedens vir propius, ac mortuam credens, coepit illacrimans brachia uxoris fricare.

Sarda is a town situated in our mountains. In it, when a simple man had caught his wife coeunting with another, she immediately feigned herself half-dead, casting herself to the ground, like one deceased. Drawing nearer, the man, and believing her dead, began, weeping, to rub his wife's arms.

Tum illa, subapertis oculis, tanquam ad se paululum reversa, cum petisset vir quidnam accidisset, se nimio timore percussam dixit, et cum eam consolari stultus coepisset, ac si quid vellet petere jussisset: 'Volo,' inquit illa, 'jures te nihil vidisse.' Statim cum id jurasset, mulieri valetudo restituta est.

Then she, with her eyes slightly opened, as though having returned to herself a little, when the husband had asked what on earth had happened, said that she had been stricken by excessive fear; and when the fool began to console her and had bidden her to ask for whatever she wished, “I wish,” said she, “that you swear you saw nothing.” Immediately, when he had sworn this, health was restored to the woman.

85. Faceta Jocatio Militis Florentini

85. The Witty Jest of a Florentine Soldier

Rossus de Riciis, Eques Florentinus, magni vir animi ac severus, uxorem habuit Teldam nomine, vetulam et minime formosam. Hic coepit in ancillam, quam domi habebat, oculos conjicere, et cum illam saepius molestasset, illa ad patronam rem detulit. Suasit ut assentiretur, ac certo in loco subobscuro horam Rosso assignaret, in quem pro ancilla se Telda clam contulit.

Rossus de Riciis, a Florentine Knight, a man of great spirit and stern, had a wife named Telda, an old woman and by no means beautiful. He began to cast his eyes upon a maidservant whom he had at home; and when he had frequently importuned her, she reported the matter to the patroness. She advised that she should assent, and that she assign to Rosso an hour in a certain somewhat dim place; to which, in place of the maidservant, Telda secretly betook herself.

Accedens ad locum Rossus, ac mulierem pro ancilla diutius tractans, tandem, demissa mentula, nihil agere potuit. Tum exclamans uxor: 'Eia,' inquit, 'Eques merdose, si hic ancilla extitisset, recte cum ea rem habere potuisses.' Tum Miles: 'Oh! Telda mi, per Deum!' inquit, 'hic meus socius prudentior admodum est quam ego. Nam postquam te pro ancilla ignarus attigi, statim ille malam carnem te esse cognovit, ac propterea retrocedens me restituit.'

Rossus, approaching the place, and for a long time handling the woman as the maid, at last, with his member let down, could do nothing. Then the wife, exclaiming: “Hey,” said she, “shit-stinking Knight, if the maid had been here, you could have had the affair properly with her.” Then the Knight: “Oh! my Telda, by God!” said he, “this companion of mine is far more prudent than I. For after I, unknowing, touched you in place of the maid, straightway he recognized that you were bad flesh, and therefore, by retreating, he set me right.”

86. De Milite Qui Uxorem Habebat Litigiosam

86. On the Soldier Who Had a Quarrelsome Wife

Habebat Florentinus Eques admodum nobilis uxorem litigiosam ac perversam, quae quotidie ad Religiosum Confessorem, vel, ut aiunt, Devotum suum querelas viri et vitia deferebat. Hic Equitem reprehendebat, objurgabatque. Aliquando verbis admonitus uxoris et ut pacem inter eos poneret, rogavit virum ad confessionem peccatorum.

A very noble Florentine Knight had a litigious and perverse wife, who daily carried to a Religious Confessor, or, as they say, her Devout, the complaints against her husband and his vices. He reprehended the Knight, and objurgated him as well. At some time, admonished by the wife’s words and in order to set peace between them, he asked the man to come to the confession of sins.

Qua facta non dubitabat conventuram inter eos concordiam. Paruit Eques, et cum Religiosus eum sua peccata explicare jussisset: 'Nequaquam est opus,' inquit, 'quicquid enim unquam commisi, et multo plura etiam, ab uxore saepius tibi recitata extiterunt.'

With this done, he did not doubt that concord would come together between them. The Knight obeyed, and when the Religious had ordered him to explain his sins: 'There is no need at all,' said he, 'for whatever I have ever committed, and much more besides, have often been recited to you by my wife.'

87. De Temerario Qui Asinos Curabat

87. On the Temerarious Man Who Cared for Asses

Fuit nuper Florentiae homo confidens ac temerarius, nulli arti deditus. Is cum legisset apud Medicum quemdam nomen et virtutem certarum pillularum, quae ad varios morbos conferre dicebantur, existimavit homo ridiculus se iis solis pillulis de facili Medicum evasurum. Confecto earum magno numero, urbem egressus coepit vagari per oppida et villas, Medicinae artem professus.

There was lately at Florence a confident and temerarious man, devoted to no art. When he had read with a certain Physician the name and virtue of certain little pills, which were said to confer toward various diseases, the ridiculous man supposed that by those pills alone he would easily pass as a Physician. Having confected a great number of them, having gone out of the city he began to wander through towns and villas, professing the art of Medicine.

Ad omnem autem aegritudinem has pillulas accommodabat, earumque cura aliqui casu valetudinem recuperarunt. Cum hujus fama percrevisset stulti apud stultos, unus qui asinum suum amiserat, rogavit hominem, numquid remedium ad recipiendum asinum haberet. Assensit ille, et ei sex pillulas deglutiendas dedit.

To every ailment, moreover, he accommodated these pills, and by their cure some, by chance, recovered health. When the fame of this fool had spread among fools, one who had lost his donkey asked the man whether he had any remedy for recovering the donkey. He assented, and gave him six pills to be swallowed.

Quibus sumptis abiens, postero die cum asinum quaereret, ac cogentibus pillulis de via discessisset, laxandi ventris gratia, in arundinetum forte divertit; ibi reperto asino pascente, Medici scientiam et pillulas ad caelum laudibus extulit. Ad hunc postmodum, veluti alterum Aesculapium, magnus fiebat rusticorum concursus, qui audierant Medici medelas etiam ad recipiendos asinos accommodatas.

Having taken these and going away, on the next day, when he was seeking the donkey, and, with the pills compelling, had departed from the road for the sake of loosening the belly, he chanced to turn aside into a reed-bed; there, with the donkey found grazing, he exalted to heaven with praises the Physician’s science and the pills. To this man thereafter, as if a second Aesculapius, there was becoming a great concourse of rustics, who had heard that the Physician’s medicaments were even accommodated to recovering donkeys.

88. Comparatio Petri De Eghis

88. Comparison of Peter De Eghis

In seditione quadam civitatis Florentiae qua cives pro statu rerum inter se certabant, cum quidam alterius factionis ab adversariis magno tumultu occideretur, unus ex his qui longe aberant, gladios exsertos conspiciens, atque homines concursantes, percontatus est a circumstantibus quidnam ibi ageretur. Tum unus, nomine Petrus de Eghis: 'Illic,' inquit, 'magistratus civitatis atque officia dividuntur.' 'Nolo,' inquit ille, 'res quae tam caro constant,' atque e vestigio recessit.

In a certain sedition of the city of Florence, in which the citizens were contending among themselves for the state of affairs, when a certain man of the other faction was being slain by his adversaries with great tumult, one of those who were far off, seeing swords unsheathed and men running together, inquired from the bystanders what was being done there. Then one, by the name Peter de Eghis: 'There,' he said, 'the magistracies of the city and the offices are being divided.' 'I do not want things that cost so dearly,' said he, and on the spot he withdrew.

89. De Medico

89. On the Physician

Cum cenarent mecum contribuli nonnulli, homines ad facetias prompti, multa ridenda inter cenandum dicebantur, inter quae unus subridens: 'Cechinus,' inquit, 'Medicus Aretinus, accersitus ad curandum quamdam formosam adolescentulam, quae psallendo contorserat genu; in componendo cum et tibiam feminae et coxam peralbam ac mollem aliquamdiu tractasset, erecta est mentula majorem in modum, ita ut subligaculo contineri nequiret. Tum suspirans cum assurrexisset, atque illa quid pro ea cura sibi dari vellet, quaesisset, nihil sibi deberi respondit. Quaesita causa: 'Pares enim in opere,' inquit, 'sumus; ego enim tibi membrum contortum direxi, tu item mihi aliud erexisti.'

While several fellow-townsmen were dining with me, men prompt to facetiae, many laughable things were said during the meal, among which one, smiling, said: 'Cechinus, the Aretine Physician, having been summoned to treat a certain beautiful adolescent young woman, who by psalming (playing the psaltery) had twisted her knee; in setting it, since he had for some time handled both the woman’s shin and her very white and soft thigh and hip, his penis was raised in the greatest manner, so that it could not be contained by his under-breeches. Then, sighing when he had stood up, and when she asked what he would like to be given him for that care, he replied that nothing was owed him. The reason being asked, he said: 'For we are equal in the work; for I straightened for you a twisted member, and you likewise erected another for me.'

90. Jocatio Cujusdam Veneti Qui Equum Suum Non Cognoverat

90. The Jest of a Certain Venetian Who Had Not Recognized His Horse

Loquentibus nonnullis doctis viris de insulsitate, stultitiaque multorum, narravit Antonius Luscus, vir facetissimus, cum olim ab Roma Vincentiam proficisceretur, addidisse se in suam societatem Venetum quemdam, qui perraro, ut videbatur, equitasset. Qui cum Senis divertisset ad hospitium in quo et alii permulti cum equis erant, maneque ad iter se quisque pararet, solus Venetus sedebat ad fores otiosus, atque ocreatus. Admiratus Luscus hominis neglegentiam ac tarditatem, qui, cum ceteri ferme in equis essent, ipse solus quiesceret, admonuit, si secum proficisci vellet, equum ascenderet, causamque morae percontabatur.

While several learned men were speaking about the insipidity and stupidity of many, Antonius Luscus, a most facetious man, related that when once he was setting out from Rome to Vicenza, he had added to his company a certain Venetian, who, as it seemed, had very rarely ridden. When this man had turned aside at Siena to an inn in which very many others also were with their horses, and in the morning each was preparing himself for the journey, the Venetian alone was sitting by the doors at leisure, and booted. Luscus, amazed at the man’s negligence and slowness—since, when nearly all the others were on their horses, he alone was resting—admonished him that, if he wished to set out with him, he should mount his horse, and he was inquiring the cause of the delay.

Tum ille: 'Atqui,' inquit, 'tecum ire cupio: sed equum meum minime inter alios recognosco. Igitur exspecto quoad reliqui equitarint, ut qui equus solus in stabulo remanserit, sciam esse meum.' Cognito hominis stupore, Antonius paulum commoratus est, quoad stultus ac stipes ille unicum relictum equum caperet pro suo.

Then he: 'And yet,' he says, 'I desire to go with you; but I by no means recognize my horse among the others. Therefore I await until the rest shall have ridden out, so that the horse which alone shall have remained in the stable I may know to be mine.' The stupor of the man being perceived, Antonius tarried a little, until that stupid blockhead seized the single horse left as his own.

91. Dictum Caroli Bononiensis

91. Dictum of Charles the Bolognese

Mos est loquendi, cum quempiam prae nobis contemnere volumus, ut dicamus: Ego te centies in die oppigneratum relinquerem apud cauponulam tabernam. Razello Bononiensi, viro prompto ad respondendum, quidam inter jurgandum hoc idem in coetu hominum objecit, extollens prudentiam suam, Razellum vero despiciens. Tum Razellus: 'Hoc tibi,' inquit, 'facillime concedo: cito enim res magni pretii et bonae dare pignori possunt.

It is a usage of speech, when we wish to contemn someone before us, that we say: ‘I would leave you pawned a hundred times in a day at a little tavern.’ To Razellus the Bolognese, a man prompt in replying, someone, amid a quarrel, threw this same thing at him in an assembly of men, extolling his own prudence while despising Razellus. Then Razellus: ‘This to you,’ he says, ‘I most easily concede: for things of great price and good can quickly be given in pledge.’

At vero tu ita, nequam, vilis et abjectae conditionis es, ut, si quis te per omnes fori tabernas et cauponas circumferret, nemo te nec pro aereo quidem nummo vellet accipere.' Hoc dicto, et circumstantibus risum movit, et dicacitatem hominis dicacitate compressit.

But you, indeed, you good-for-nothing, are so cheap and of abject condition, that if someone were to carry you around through all the forum’s tabernae and taverns, no one would be willing to take you, not even for a copper coin.' By this remark he both moved the bystanders to laughter and crushed the man’s dicacity with dicacity.

92. De Faeneratore Sene Relinquente Faenus Timore Perdendi Parta

92. On an Old Usurer Leaving Off Usury for Fear of Losing His Acquisitions

Hortabatur faeneratorem jam senem amicus, ut desisteret a faenore, et animae suae saluti consulens, et corporis quieti, pluribusque suadebat verbis ut se ab ea molestia simul et infamia vitae vindicaret. Tum ille: 'Ut suades,' inquit, 'hanc artem desinam. Nam nomina mea ita jam male respondent, ut necesse sit vel invito hoc exercitium relinqui:' non conscientia peccati, sed timore amittendi parta se faenus relicturum professus.

A friend was exhorting a usurer now old to desist from usury, consulting the salvation of his soul and the repose of his body, and with more words he urged that he vindicate himself at once from that annoyance and the infamy of life. Then he: 'As you advise,' he said, 'I shall cease from this art. For my notes now answer so badly that it is necessary that this exercise be abandoned even against my will:' professing that he would leave off usury not from a conscience of sin, but from fear of losing the gains acquired.

93. De Meretrice Sene Mendicante

93. On an Old Prostitute Begging

Dum hoc in corona recitaretur, 'Similis hic fuit,' contribulis meus ait, 'pervetulae' (et nomen retulit) 'meretrici quae, jam aetate confecta, stipem in eleemosyna petens: 'Benefacite,' aiebat, 'ei quae peccatum reliquit, et artem meretriciam.' Increpata ab homine noto, quod mendicaret: 'Quid vis agam?' inquit, 'nemo me amplius requirit.' 'Necessitate ergo, non voluntate,' ait ille, 'peccatum relinquis, cum peccandi nulla adsit facultas.'

Dum this was being recited in the circle, 'This was like,' my fellow townsman said, 'a very old' (and he gave the name) 'prostitute who, already worn out with age, asking an alms-penny in eleemosynary alms: 'Do good,' she used to say, 'to her who has left sin, and the meretricious art.' Rebuked by an acquaintance, because she was begging: 'What do you want me to do?' she said, 'no one seeks me any longer.' 'By necessity, then, not by will,' said he, 'you leave sin, since no faculty for sinning is present.'

94. De Doctore Et Imperito

94. On the Doctor and the Unlearned

Cum Secretarii essent aliquando cum Pontifice Martino, et sermo de facetiis incidisset, retulit ille fuisse Doctorem Bononiensem, qui, cum a Legato quid instantius peteret, fatuus ac demens appellatus est. Hoc audito: 'Quando,' inquit, 'me dementem esse cognovisti?' Ad haec Legatus cum id temporis dixisset: 'Non recte,' inquit alter, 'arbitraris: tunc enim fatuus fui, cum te ignarum legum Doctorem juris civilis feci.' Erat enim Doctor Legatus, et parum doctus: hoc dicto ignorantiam Legati ostendit.

When the Secretaries were once with Pope Martin, and the talk fell upon facetiae, he related that there had been a Bolognese Doctor who, when he was asking something more insistently from a Legate, was called a fool and a madman. Hearing this, he said, 'When did you come to know that I am mad?' To this the Legate said that it was at that time. 'You do not judge rightly,' said the other; 'for then I was the fool, when I made you, ignorant of the laws, a Doctor of civil law.' For the Legate was a Doctor, and little learned: by this remark he showed the Legate’s ignorance.

95. Dictum Episcopi Electensis

95. The Saying of the Bishop of Electensis

Alter, Episcopus scilicet Electensis, Romani cujuspiam dictum retulit. Cum Cardinali Neapolitano, homini stolido atque indocto, redeunti a Pontifice Romanus civis obviasset, Cardinalis vero, quia mos suus erat, continuo rideret, petivit a socio quamnam ob causam Cardinalem putaret ridere. Qui cum id se nescire respondisset: 'Atqui,' inquit, 'stultitiam Pontificis ridet, qui se adeo immerito Cardinalem fecit.'

Another, namely the Bishop of Electensis, related a saying of a certain Roman. When a Roman citizen had met the Neapolitan Cardinal, a stolid and unlearned man, as he was returning from the Pontiff, and the Cardinal, because it was his custom, immediately laughed, he asked his companion for what cause he thought the Cardinal was laughing. And when he replied that he did not know this: "And yet," he said, "he is laughing at the stupidity of the Pontiff, who so undeservedly made him a Cardinal."

96. Facetum Dictum Cujusdam Abbatis

96. Witty Saying of a Certain Abbot

Subdidit et alius duo facete ab Oratoribus (hi duo Abbates Ordinis S. Benedicti erant) Concilii Constantiensis dicta. Qui cum ad Petrum de Luna, antea apud Hispanos et Gallos Pontificem, nomine Concilii venissent, atque is, illis conspectis, duos corvos se adire dixisset, minime mirum videri debere alter respondit, si corvi ad ejectum cadaver accederent: exprobrans ei quod a Concilio damnatus pro cadavere haberetur.

Another also subjoined two witty sayings by the Orators (these two were Abbots of the Order of St. Benedict) of the Council of Constance. When they had come, in the name of the Council, to Peter de Luna, formerly among the Spaniards and the Gauls the Pontiff, and he, on seeing them, had said that two ravens were approaching him, the other replied that it ought not at all to seem a wonder if ravens drew near to a cast-out corpse: reproaching him that, condemned by the Council, he was held as a corpse.

97. Dictum Facetum

97. Witty Saying

Idem in altercatione, quam super jure Pontificatus cum ipso habebant, cum Petrus dixisset: 'Hic est Arca Noe,' designans apud se jus esse Apostolicae Sedis: 'In Arca Noe,' inquit, 'beluae fuerunt permultae.'

The same man, in the altercation which they were having with him concerning the right of the Pontificate, when Peter had said: 'This is the Ark of Noah,' indicating that with him was the right of the Apostolic See: 'In the Ark of Noah,' he said, 'there were very many beasts.'

98. Mirabilia Per Librarium Dicta

98. Marvels Said by the Librarian

Librarius meus, Joannes nomine, qui nuper ex ea regione quam vocant Britanniam redierat, retulit mihi in cena ad octo Idus Octobris, paenultimo Martini anno, quaedam miracula, quae se vidisse asserebat homo doctus et minime mendax. Primum est sanguinem inter Ligerim, Biturigas, et Pictones pluisse, exque ea pluvia sanguine perfusos lapides videri. Hoc quoniam accidisse saepius historiae prodiderunt, minus mirandum videtur.

My scribe, John by name, who had lately returned from that region which they call Britain, reported to me at dinner on October 8, in the penultimate year of Martin, certain miracles which he asserted he had seen—a learned man and by no means mendacious. The first is that it rained blood in the area among the Loire, the Bituriges, and the Pictones, and from that rain stones were seen drenched with blood. Since histories have handed down that this has happened rather often, it seems less to be wondered at.

Quod sequitur, nequaquam credidissem, nisi asseverantis jusjurandum accessisset. In festo Petri et Pauli Apostolorum, quod est in mense Junii, ait quosdam messores in patria sua, cum pridie nescio quid faeni in agro reliquissent, contempto die, ne faenum amitteretur, rediisse ad metendum, quod unica hora effici potuisset. Sed Dei judicio messores diutius vagatos esse per agrum metentes, neque aliud quicquam die noctuque agentes, absque cibo et somno; neque vero pluribus diebus aut illos agrum exire, aut alios ad illos ut sciscitarentur quidnam id sibi vellet, accedere potuisse, cum multi circumstarent, fatuos illos existimantes.

What follows I would by no means have believed, had not the oath of the one asserting it been added. On the feast of Peter and Paul the Apostles, which is in the month of June, he says that certain reapers in his own homeland, when on the previous day they had left I-know-not-what of hay in the field, with the day disregarded, lest the hay be lost, returned to mow, which could have been effected in a single hour. But by God’s judgment the reapers wandered for a long time through the field, mowing, and doing nothing else day and night, without food and sleep; nor indeed for several days could either they go out of the field, or others approach them to inquire what in the world that might mean, although many stood around, thinking them fools.

Vidisse se illos metentes librarius asseruit; quid vero illis postea acciderit, nescire se dixit.

The scribe asserted that he had seen them reaping; but what in truth happened to them afterward, he said he did not know.

99. Mirabile Judicium Ex Contemptu Sanctorum

99. Marvelous Judgment from Contempt for the Saints

Sic alter ex Senatoribus meis, Rolletus nomine, patria Rothomagensis, se haud dissimile miraculum vidisse ex contemptu Sanctorum Dei affirmavit. Esse ait juxta castellum civitatis parochiam quamdam dicatam Beato Gothardo; cujus solemnis cum adesset dies, parochiani omnes ingens de more festum cum processione et pompa agebant. Adolescentula vero alterius parochiae, cum illos derideret, nomenque Sancti sperneret et eorum caerimonias, se in ejus contemptum filaturum dixit, ac deinceps colum sumpsit et fusum.

Thus another of my Senators, named Rolletus, by country a Rouennais, affirmed that he had seen a not dissimilar miracle from contempt of the Saints of God. He says there is, near the castle of the city, a certain parish dedicated to Blessed Gothard; when the solemn day of this was at hand, all the parishioners were holding a great festival according to custom, with procession and pomp. But a young girl of another parish, as she mocked them and spurned the name of the Saint and their ceremonies, said that in his contempt she would spin, and forthwith took up a distaff and a spindle.

Haec autem subito cum manibus et digitis magno cum dolore haesissent, ita ut avelli nequirent, adolescentula vero muta esse facta, nutu (nam voce non poterat) dolorem et causam significabat, et tandem accurrente hominum multitudine ductam ad altare Sancti quem contempserat, atque ibi voto suscepto et restitutam vocem, et colum fusumque e manibus cecidisse. Haec in sua parochia accidisse dixit, ita indubie ut mihi incredulo aliquam fidem facere videretur.

But these things, having suddenly stuck fast to her hands and fingers with great pain, so that they could not be torn off, and the adolescent girl having been made mute, by a nod (for by voice she was not able) signified the pain and the cause; and at length, as a multitude of people ran together, she was led to the altar of the Saint whom she had contemned, and there, with a vow undertaken, both that her voice was restored, and that the distaff and spindle fell from her hands. He said that these things had happened in his own parish, so indubitably that to me, incredulous, it seemed to afford some credence.

100. Facetissimum De Sene Quodam Qui Portavit Asinum Super Se

100. Most Facetious Concerning a Certain Old Man Who Carried an Ass upon Himself

Dicebatur inter Secretarios Pontificis, eos, qui ad vulgi opinionem viverent, miserrima premi servitute, cum nequaquam possibile esset, cum diversa sentirent, placere omnibus, diversis diversa probantibus. Tum quidam ad eam sententiam fabulam retulit, quam nuper in Alemannia scriptam pictamque vidisset.

It was said among the Secretaries of the Pontiff that those who lived according to the opinion of the crowd were pressed by a most miserable servitude, since it was by no means possible, since they felt diverse things, to please everyone, different people approving different things. Then a certain man, to that sentiment, related a fable which he had recently seen written and painted in Germany.

Senem ait fuisse, qui cum adolescentulo filio, praecedente absque onere asello quem venditurus erat, ad mercatum proficiscebatur. Praetereuntibus viam quidam in agris operas facientes senem culparunt, quod asellum nihil ferentem neque pater, neque filius ascendisset, sed vacuum onere sineret, cum alter senectute, alter aetate tenera vehiculo egeret. Tum senex adolescentem asino imposuit, ipse pedibus iter faciens.

He said there was an old man who, with his adolescent son, the little ass—which he was going to sell—going before without burden, was setting out to the market. As certain men, doing labor in the fields, were passing along the road, they blamed the old man, because neither the father nor the son had mounted the little ass, which was carrying nothing, but allowed it to be empty of burden, whereas the one by old age, the other by tender age, was in need of a vehicle. Then the old man set the adolescent upon the ass, he himself making the journey on foot.

Hoc alii conspicientes increparunt stultitiam senis quod, adolescente qui validior esset super asinum posito, ipse aetate confectus pedes asellum sequeretur. Immutato consilio atque adolescente deposito, ipse asinum ascendit. Paulum vero progressus, audivit alios se culpantes, quod parvulum filium, nulla ratione aetatis habita, tanquam servum post se traheret, ipse asello, qui pater erat, insidens.

Seeing this, others rebuked the old man’s stupidity, because, with the adolescent—who was the stronger—set upon the ass, he himself, worn out by age, was following the little ass on foot. With the plan changed and the adolescent set down, he himself mounted the ass. Having advanced a little, he heard others blaming him, because, with no consideration had for the boy’s age, he was dragging his very small son behind him like a slave, he himself—who was the father—sitting upon the little ass.

His verbis permotus, filium asello secum superimposuit. Hoc pacto iter sequens, interrogatus inde ab aliis, an suus esset asellus, cum annuisset, castigatus est verbis, quod ejus tanquam alieni nullam curam haberet, minime apti ad tantum onus, cum satis unus ad ferendum esse debuisset. Hic homo perturbatus tot variis sententiis, cum neque vacuo asello, neque ambobus, neque altero superimpositis absque calumnia progredi posset, tandem asellum pedibus junctis ligavit, atque baculo suspensum, suo filiique collo superpositum, ad mercatum deferre coepit.

Moved by these words, he placed his son with him upon the little ass. Proceeding thus on the way, he was then asked by others whether the ass was his; when he nodded assent, he was chastised with words because, as though it were another’s, he had no care for it—by no means fit for so great a burden—since one alone ought to have sufficed for the carrying. This man, perturbed by so many varied sentences, since he could proceed without calumny neither with the ass empty, nor with both, nor with one or the other mounted, at last bound the ass’s feet together and, suspended on a staff, set upon his and his son’s necks, he began to carry it to market.

Omnibus propter novitatem spectaculi ad risum effusis, ac stultitiam amborum, maxime vero patris, increpantibus, indignatus ille, supra ripam fluminis consistens, ligatum asinum in flumen dejecit, atque ita amisso asino domum rediit. Ita bonus vir, dum omnibus parere cupit, nemini satisfaciens, asellum perdidit.

With all, on account of the novelty of the spectacle, bursting into laughter, and reproaching the stupidity of both, but especially of the father, he, indignant, standing above the bank of the river, cast the bound ass into the river, and thus, the ass lost, returned home. Thus the good man, while he desires to comply with everyone, satisfying no one, lost the little ass.

101. Hominis Maxima Imperitia

101. The Greatest Ineptitude of a Man

Recitabantur aliquando litterae coram prioribus Florentinis, narrantes quaedam de homine non satis Reipublicae accepto. Cum vero nomen illius saepius referri in litteris necesse fuisset, accidit ut nomini illi adderetur praefatum, ut dicam Paulum. Tum unus ex astantibus, litterarum rudis, existimans verbum illud honorificum esse, et magnam aliquam laudem in praefati nomine contineri, ac si sapientissimum aut prudentissimum scripsisset, statim vociferari coepit, rem indignam esse, ut homo improbus, hostis patriae, praefatus appellaretur.

At times letters were being recited before the Florentine priors, relating certain things about a man not sufficiently acceptable to the Republic. But when it had been necessary that his name be referred to rather often in the letters, it happened that to that name there was added “the aforesaid,” as, let me say, “Paul.” Then one of those standing by, unlettered, supposing that word to be honorific and that some great praise was contained in the title of “the aforesaid,” as if he had written “most wise” or “most prudent,” straightway began to vociferate that it was an indignity that a wicked man, an enemy of the fatherland, should be called “the aforesaid.”

102. Alia Hominis Imperitia

102. Another Man's Inexperience

Similis huic contribulis meus Mattheozius nomine, homo rusticus, risum multis commovit. Nam die festo, in convivio sacerdotum, cui praeparando ipse nonnullique alii praefuerant, cum post cibum gratiae sacerdotibus (plures enim ex longinquo convenerant) agendae essent, hic cui negotium demandatum erat, admodum senex, verba faciens: 'Patres mei, si quid defuit vobis,' inquit, 'ignoscite; non fecimus quod debuimus, sed pro modo facultatis nostrae tractavimus vos secundum Vestram Ignorantiam.' Putavit homo rudis, qui aliquod verbum resonans quaerebat, se id pro summa laude dixisse, ac si Prudentiam aut Sapientiam dixisset.

Similar to this, my fellow-tribesman by the name Mattheozius, a rustic man, stirred laughter in many. For on a feast day, at a banquet of priests, over the preparing of which he himself and some others had presided, when after food thanks had to be given by the priests (for many had gathered from afar), this man, to whom the business had been entrusted, a very old man, speaking, said: 'My fathers, if anything was lacking for you,' he said, 'forgive; we did not do what we ought, but according to the measure of our resources we have treated you according to Your Ignorance.' The unlearned man, who was seeking some resounding word, supposed that he had said this as the highest praise, as if he had said Prudence or Wisdom.

103. De Quodam Sene Barbato

103. On A Certain Bearded Old Man

Vir doctissimus atque humanissimus omnium Antonius Luscus, retulit nobis inter loquendum, post convivium, rem ridendam. Est communis loquendi modus, cum quis ventris crepitum edidit, ut circumstantes: Ad barbam ejus, qui nihil cuiquam debet, dicant. Senex quidam Vincentiae, barba admodum prolixa, vocatus a creditore in judicium coram Praeside civitatis (is Ugulottus Biancardus fuit, vir doctus atque severus), cum multis verbis jactabundus clamitaret, se nullius ulla in re debitorem esse, repetens saepius nihil cuiquam se debere: 'Facesse hinc ocius,' Ugulottus ait, 'atque hanc tuam foetidam barbam, quae nos malo odore conturbat, amove.' Cum ille stupidus, quamobrem foeteret adeo graviter, postulasset: 'Referta est,' inquit Ugulottus, 'omnibus bombis, quae unquam ab hominibus editae sunt, cum ad barbam ejus, qui nullum habet debitum, rejiciantur.' Hoc dicto perfacete elusit hominis jactantiam, ridentibus qui aderant omnibus.

The most learned and most humane man of all, Antonius Luscus, related to us, in the course of conversation, after the banquet, a laughable matter. There is a common manner of speaking, when someone has emitted a crepitation of the belly, that those standing around say: “To the beard of him who owes nothing to anyone.” A certain old man of Vicenza, with a very long beard, having been called by a creditor into court before the President of the city (he was Ugulottus Biancardus, a learned and severe man), when with many words, vaunting, he kept shouting that he was a debtor to no one in any matter, repeating often that he owed nothing to anyone: “Be off from here quickly,” said Ugulottus, “and remove this fetid beard of yours, which is disturbing us with its bad odor.” When that dull-witted fellow asked for what reason it stank so grievously: “It is crammed,” said Ugulottus, “with all the ‘bombs’ (farts) which have ever been emitted by men, since they are thrown back to the beard of him who has no debt.” By this remark he very wittily mocked the man’s boasting, as all who were present laughed.

104. Comparatio Quaedam Caroli Bononiensis De Quodam Notario

104. A Certain Comparison of Charles the Bolognese About a Certain Notary

Cum cenaremus in palatio Pontificis, nonnulli inter quos et Secretarii erant, orto sermone de eorum ignorantia quorum doctrina omnis ac scientia pendet ex scriptis formulis, neque earum causas afferunt, sed tantum dicunt sic scriptum superiores stylo reliquisse; Carolus Bononiensis, vir admodum festivus, 'Hi simillimi sunt,' inquit, 'Notarii cujusdam' (et nomen retulit) 'concivis mei; ad quem cum duo accessissent contractus venditionis inter eos conficiendi gratia, atque ille, sumpto calamo, scribere incipiens quaesisset eorum nomina, et alter Joannes, Philippus alter sibi nomen esse dixissent, respondit e vestigio Notarius, id instrumentum (ita enim appellatur) confici inter se non posse. Quaerentibus illis causam: 'Nisi,' inquit, 'venditor Conradus, emptor vero Titius vocetur' (haec enim sola nomina in formulis suis didicerat), 'rogari aut jure consistere hic contractus nequit.' Cum vero se nomina mutare non posse dicerent, ille in sententia perstaret, quoniam ita formulae suae continerent, homines missos fecit, cum non auderent nomina immutare. Abierunt illi ad alium relicto homine insulso, qui se crimen falsi subire existimavit, si scripta in formulis suis nomina commutasset.'

While we were dining in the palace of the Pontiff, some—among whom were even Secretaries—conversation having arisen about the ignorance of those whose whole doctrine and science depends on written formulas, and who do not bring forward their causes, but only say that it is so written, that their superiors have left it so by their stylus; Charles of Bologna, a very witty man, said, 'These are most like a certain Notary' (and he gave the name) 'my fellow citizen; to whom, when two men had approached for the sake of having a contract of sale drawn up between them, and he, taking up his pen, beginning to write, had asked their names, and the one said his name was John, the other Philip, the Notary forthwith replied that that instrument (for so it is called) could not be drawn up between them. They asking the reason, “Unless,” he said, “the seller be called Conrad, but the buyer Titius” (for these alone were the names he had learned in his formulas), “this contract cannot be requested for execution or stand in law.” But when they said they could not change their names, he persisted in his opinion, since his forms so contained, and he dismissed the men, as they did not dare to alter their names. They went away to another, leaving the dull fellow behind, who thought he would incur the crime of falsum if he had changed the names written in his forms.'

105. De Doctore Florentino Ad Reginam Destinato Qui Concubitum Postulavit

105. On the Florentine Doctor Assigned to the Queen Who Requested Intercourse

Incidit etiam sermo inter jocandum de stultitia nonnullorum, qui Oratores mittuntur ad Principes. Cumque aliqui nominati essent, ridens Antonius Luscus: 'Numquidnam,' ait, 'audistis temeritatem Florentini' (me intuens) 'quem Populus Florentinus ad Joannam Reginam quondam Neapolitanam destinavit? Franciscus is nomine fuit, Doctor legum, licet admodum indoctus.

Incidental discourse also arose, while jesting, about the stupidity of certain persons who are sent as Orators to Princes. And when some had been named, Antonius Luscus, laughing: 'Have you perchance,' he said, 'heard of the temerity of the Florentine' (looking at me) 'whom the People of Florence destined to Joanna, the once Neapolitan Queen? He was Francis by name, a Doctor of laws, albeit exceedingly unlearned.

Qui cum Reginae mandata quaedam exposuisset, postridieque ad eam reverti jussus, audisset interim Reginam haud aspernari viros, praesertim forma conspicuos, ad Reginam rediit, multisque ultro citroque dictis, tandem se cum ea secretiora quaedam loqui velle dixit. Tum Regina cum hominem in remotius conclave advocasset, existimans aliquid esse occultius quod communicandum cum pluribus non esset, stultus ille, qui sibi de propria forma plurimum persuaserat, Reginam concubitus postulavit. Tum illa, nihilo immutata, vultum hominis inspiciens: 'Numquid,' ait, 'hoc tibi Florentini in mandatis quoque dedere?' Tacentem atque erubescentem Oratorem, ut hujus rei mandatum afferret dicens, abire ab se absque indignatione jussit.

When he had set forth certain mandates of the Queen, and, having been ordered to return to her the next day, had meanwhile heard that the Queen did not at all spurn men, especially those conspicuous for form, he returned to the Queen, and with many words bandied to and fro, at length said that he wished to speak with her about some rather secret matters. Then the Queen, since she supposed there was something more occult which ought not to be communicated with more people, had the man called into a more remote chamber; whereupon that fool, who had much persuaded himself about his own beauty, asked the Queen for intercourse. Then she, not changed in the least, looking upon the man’s countenance, said, “Pray, did the Florentines also give you this in your mandates?” And the Orator, being silent and blushing, she ordered to depart from her without indignation, saying that he should bring a mandate for this matter.

106. De Homine Qui Diabolum In Imagine Mulieris Cognovit

106. Of The Man Who Recognized The Devil In The Image Of A Woman

Vir doctissimus Cincius Romanus mihi saepius retulit rem haud contemnendam, quam vicinus suus, minime insulsus homo, sibi accidisse narrabat. Ea est hujus modi. Surrexerat is aliquando ad lunae splendorem, existimans circa diluculum esse, cum nox esset intempesta, ut proficisceretur ad vineam suam, prout est mos Romanis vineas diligenter colere.

A most learned man, Cincius the Roman, quite often related to me a matter not to be contemned, which his neighbor, a man by no means witless, used to recount had happened to himself. It is of this sort. He had on one occasion risen by the moon’s splendor, supposing it was about daybreak, when it was the dead of night, to set out to his vineyard, as it is the custom for the Romans to cultivate vineyards diligently.

Egressus porta Ostiensi (exitum enim a custodibus, ut ea aperiretur rogarat), mulierem conspexit se praecedentem. Existimans vero aliquam esse quae devotionis gratia S. Paulum visitaret, cum exarsisset in libidine, gradum properavit, ut eam consequeretur, et, quoniam sola esset, id facilius se assequi putabat. Cum ad eam appropinquasset, ad semitam e recta via divertit.

Having gone out by the Ostian Gate (for he had asked the guards for an exit, that it be opened), he caught sight of a woman going before him. Supposing, in truth, that she was someone who, for the sake of devotion, was visiting St. Paul, when his libido had flared up, he hastened his pace to overtake her, and, since she was alone, he thought he could more easily attain this. When he had approached her, she turned aside onto a footpath from the straight road.

Hic homo celerius ambulavit, veritus ne mulieris occasionem oblatam amitteret. Progressus paululum in diverticulum mulierem comprehendit tacentem, ad terram stravit, cognovitque. Quo facto, illa subito evanuit, relicto foetore sulphureo.

This man walked more swiftly, fearing lest he lose the offered occasion of the woman. Having advanced a little into the bypath, he seized the woman, silent, cast her to the ground, and had carnal knowledge of her. When this had been done, she suddenly vanished, leaving behind a sulphurous stench.

Homo in terra herbida se esse sentiens, paulum absterritus surrexit, domumque rediit. Daemonis eam illusionem fuisse omnes arbitrabantur.

The man, perceiving himself to be on grassy ground, somewhat abashed, rose and returned home. All judged that it had been an illusion of a demon.

107. Alia Fabula Per Angelottum Dicta

107. Another Fable Told By Angelottus

Aderat Angelottus, Episcopus Anagninus, cum haec Cincius recitasset, et alteram huic similem fabellam dixit: 'Affinis,' inquit, 'meus' (nomine eum appellans), 'cum noctu urbe deserta perambularet, obviam mulierem, quam existimabat, et quidem speciosam forma, ut videbatur, cognovit. Tum illa, ad eum terrendum, in hominis turpissimi formam versa: 'Et quid egisti?' inquit, 'equidem te, insulse, decepi.' Tum ille: 'Ut lubet,' intrepidus inquit, 'et ego tibi culum maculavi.'

Angelottus, Bishop of Anagni, was present when Cincius had recited these things, and he told another little fable similar to this: 'My relative,' he said (naming him by name), 'when by night he was walking through the deserted city, met a woman, as he supposed, and indeed comely in form, as it seemed. Then she, to terrify him, having been turned into the form of a most foul man: 'And what have you done?' she said, 'for my part, you dullard, I have deceived you.' Then he: 'As you please,' he said undaunted, 'and I too have stained your arse.'

108. De Advocato Qui Ficus Et Persica Ab Uno Litigante Acceperat

108. On The Advocate Who Had Received Figs And Peaches From One Litigant

Humanissimus ac facetissimus vir Antonius Luscus, culpantibus nobis ingratitudinem eorum, qui ad fatigandos homines sunt prompti, ad promerendum remissi: 'Vincentius,' inquit, 'meus, qui Advocatus erat homini praediviti, sed avaro, cum multoties illi in causis affuisset, neque quicquam tulisset praemii, tandem difficiliori in causa qua sibi adesse ad eum defendendum rogarat, die ad tuendam causam praescripto (eo autem die cliens ficus et persica Advocato miserat) ad Tribunal accessit. Adversariis multa contra illum dicentibus, semper clauso ore tacuit, neque verbum ullum, quamvis lacessentibus illis, unquam protulit. Admirantibus singulis, cum cliens quidnam illud silentium sibi vellet percontaretur: 'Persica,' inquit, 'et ficus quas misisti ita os meum congelarunt, ut nequeam verbum proferre.'

A most humane and very facetious man, Antonius Luscus, while we were blaming the ingratitude of those who are prompt to wear men out, but remiss to recompense: 'My Vincentius,' he said, 'who was Advocate to a man very rich, but avaricious, when he had many times been present for him in cases and had taken no reward at all, at last, in a more difficult case in which he had asked him to be present to defend him, on the day prescribed for defending the case (on that day, moreover, the client had sent figs and peaches to the Advocate) came up to the Tribunal. With the adversaries saying many things against him, he kept silent with mouth always closed, nor did he ever bring forth a single word, although they were provoking him. As all were wondering, when the client inquired what that silence was meant to be for him: "The peaches," he said, "and the figs which you sent have so frozen my mouth that I cannot utter a word."

109. De Medico In Visitatione Infirmorum Versuto

109. On a Crafty Medic in the Visitation of the Infirm

Medicus indoctus, sed versutus, cum infirmos, adhibito discipulo, visitaret, tangens (ut moris est) pulsum, si quem graviorem solito sensisset, culpam in aegrotum conferebat, asserens eum ficus, aut pomum, aut quid aliud a se prohibitum comedisse. Quod cum saepissime faterentur aegri, vir divinus videbatur, qui ita errores morbo laborantium animadverteret. Hoc admiratus persaepe discipulus rogavit Medicum, quonam modo, pulsu vel tactu, an alia quadam altiori disciplina perciperet?

An unlearned but shrewd physician, when he visited the infirm, with a disciple brought along, touching (as is the custom) the pulse, if he sensed any more grave than usual, would confer the blame upon the sick man, asserting that he had eaten figs, or an apple, or something else forbidden by him. And since the sick very often confessed this, he seemed a divine man, who thus would observe the errors of those laboring with disease. Often marveling at this, the disciple asked the physician by what method, by the pulse or by touch, or did he perceive it by some other higher discipline?

Tum ille pro ejus in se observantia hoc arcanum reseraturum pollicitus: 'Cum pervenio in cubiculum aegroti,' ait, 'circumspicio in primis diligenter, si quid reliquiarum aut fructus cujuspiam, aut alterius rei in pavimento supersit; veluti si castaneae, aut ficus corticem, vel nucis testam, aut pomorum frusta, aut aliud quippiam viderim, conjector infirmum tale quid ex his comedisse, et sic aegrotum incontinentia in morbis gravioribus incuso, ut videar procul a culpa, si res deterius se habuerint.'

Then he, in return for his observance toward him, promised that he would unseal this arcanum: 'When I come into the sick man’s chamber,' he says, 'I look around first of all carefully, whether any remains—either of someone’s fruit, or of some other thing—are left on the pavement; for example, if I have seen chestnut husks, or the rind of a fig, or a nut-shell, or fragments of apples/fruit, or any other small thing, I conjecture the infirm has eaten something of this sort, and thus I charge the patient with incontinence in graver illnesses, so that I may seem free from culpability if matters have gone for the worse.'

Haud multo post, discipulus, et ipse quoque, cura medendi suscepta, saepius eodem malo aegros culpabat, asserens edendi formulam ab se datam excessisse, et aliquid edisse, prout ex reliquiis conjectura assequi poterat. Semel ad rusticanum inopem hominem accessit, cui cum valetudinem pristinam se e vestigio restituturum promisisset, si normam suam servaret, data nescio qua portione, abscessit, postridie reversurus. Cum rediisset, graviori morbo aeger afflictabatur.

Not long after, the disciple, he himself likewise, having undertaken the care of healing, was frequently blaming the sick for the same fault, asserting that they had exceeded the formula of eating given by him, and had eaten something, so far as he could attain by conjecture from the remnants. Once he went to a poor rustic man, to whom, when he had promised that he would restore his pristine health on the spot if he kept his norm, with some portion given—I know not what—he departed, to return the next day. When he had come back, the sick man was afflicted with a graver disease.

Hic homo stultus ac rudis causam nesciens, cum huc atque illuc deflexisset oculos, nullasque ejusmodi reliquias vidisset, aestuans animo, tandem sub lectulo aselli clitellam conspexit. Tum clamare coepit e vestigio, tandem se percipere cur deterius se haberet aeger; magnum excessum esse ab eo factum, quo mirabatur illum minime mortuum esse; asinum quippe aegrum comedisse asserebat, existimans sellam decocti asini, velut os carnis reliquias videri. In stultitia sua deprehensus homo ridiculus multos ad risum excitavit.

This man, foolish and untrained, ignorant of the cause, when he had cast his eyes hither and thither and had seen no remnants of that sort, seething in mind, at last under the little bed caught sight of the packsaddle of a little ass. Then he began to shout on the spot that at last he perceived why the sick man was doing worse; that a great excess had been committed by him, at which he marveled that he was not dead; for he asserted that the sick man had eaten an ass, supposing that the saddle of a boiled ass was being seen as though bone-remnants of flesh. Caught out in his stupidity, the ridiculous fellow stirred many to laughter.

110. De Duobus In Re Pecuniaria Litigantibus

110. On Two Persons Litigating in a Pecuniary Matter

Oppidum est Bononiensium nomine Medicina. Eo missus est Potestas (ut aiunt), homo rudis atque imprudens; ad quem cum duo litigantes de re pecuniaria accessissent, ac prior qui creditorem se dicebat sibi pecuniam certis ex causis deberi dixisset, versus in debitorem Potestas; 'Male habes,' ait, 'cum non huic debitum reddis.' Cum negaret alter quicquam debere, cum jam illi satisfactum esset, creditorem statim increpavit, qui peteret quod non deberetur. Illo rursus causam suam tuente, ac debiti rationem afferente, debitorem acrius iterum increpavit qui rem tam manifestam negaret.

There is a town of the Bolognese named Medicina. Thither was sent the Podestà (as they call him), a man rude and imprudent; and when two litigants about a pecuniary matter had come before him, and the first, who said he was the creditor, had said that money was owed to him for certain causes, the Podestà, turning toward the debtor, said: “You are in the wrong, since you do not pay this man the debt.” When the other denied that he owed anything, since he had already satisfied him, he immediately rebuked the creditor, for seeking what was not owed. When that man in turn maintained his case and brought forward an account of the debt, he more sharply rebuked the debtor again, for denying a matter so manifest.

At is, aliis rationibus in medium deductis, cum solutus esset debito, Potestas quoque creditorem objurgavit, qui peteret rem solutam. Ita, cum saepius se ad utriusque verba vertisset vir ridiculus: 'Utraque pars,' inquit, 'est victrix, et victa; quo licet abeatis.' Ita conventum re indiscussa permisit. Hoc recitatum est inter socios, cum quidam nobis notus saepius in eadem re sententiam mutaret.

But he, with other reasonings brought into the open, since he had been discharged of the debt, the Potestas also objurgated the creditor, for demanding a thing that had been paid. Thus, as the ridiculous man had often turned himself to the words of each party: “Each party,” he says, “is victor, and vanquished; you may go where you please.” Thus he allowed the assembly to be dismissed with the matter unexamined. This was recited among companions, when a certain man known to us was rather often changing his opinion in the same matter.

111. De Medico Indocto Qui Urinae Gratia Indicavit Mulierem Coitu Indigere

111. On The Unlearned Physician Who, By The Inspection Of Urine, Indicated That A Woman Needed Coitus

Aegrotabat apud nos mulier, quam novi, Joanna nomine. Accedens scitulus et indoctus Medicus, ut morbum curaret, urinam (cujus servandae cura adolescenti filiae innuptae demandata erat, ut moris est), postulavit. Haec autem oblita suam pro aegrae urina Medico ostendit.

A woman was ill among us, whom I know, by name Joanna. A dapper and indoct physician, coming up in order to cure the disease, requested urine (the care of preserving which had been entrusted to her adolescent unmarried daughter, as is the custom). But she, forgetting, showed her own to the physician in place of the sick woman’s urine.

Statim mulierem indigere coitu Medicus affirmavit. Cum id viro nuntiatum extitisset, curato in cena opipara stomacho, cum uxore concubuit. Illa, cum hoc sibi ex debilitate molestissimum esset (ignara enim Medici consilii erat), clamaretque saepius ob rei novitatem, 'Quid agis, mi vir?

Immediately the Physician affirmed that the woman needed coitus. When this had been announced to her husband, his stomach duly cared for by a sumptuous dinner, he lay with his wife. She, since this was most troublesome to her on account of debility (for she was unaware of the Physician’s counsel), and as she kept crying out rather often on account of the novelty of the matter, 'What are you doing, my husband?

Me quidem occidis,' — 'Tace,' vir inquit, 'haec optima est, ex Medici sententia, ad te curandam medela; nam isto quidam pacto liberaberis, et restituetur valetudo.' Neque eum fefellit opinio. Nam cum quater eam subagitasset, postero die omnis febris abscessit. Ita Medici deceptio causam praebuit sanitatis.

'You are indeed killing me,' — 'Be silent,' the husband says, 'this is the best remedy, in the Physician’s opinion, for curing you; for by this certain method you will be freed, and health will be restored.' Nor did his expectation deceive him. For when he had had intercourse with her four times, on the next day all the fever departed. Thus the Physician’s deception furnished the cause of health.

112. De Viro Qui Uxorem Aegrotam Cognovit, Et Postea Convaluit

112. On the Man Who Knew His Ailing Wife, And Afterwards She Recovered

Rem similem in oppido Valentiae quidam accidisse contribuli suo inter jocandum recitavit. Ait adolescentulam nuptam Notario admodum juveni, quae non multo postquam ad virum ierat, gravi morbo aegrotare coepit, adeo ut omnes morituram existimarent: nam et Medici sanitatem desperaverant, et mulier adolescentula amissa loquela, clausis oculis, intercluso spiritu, mortua videbatur. Dolebat vir tam cito eripi uxorem sibi, quam raro cognoverat, et eam, ut aequum erat, summe amabat.

A certain man, in the course of joking, recounted that a similar affair had happened in the town of Valencia to his fellow townsman. He says that a young bride to a Notary, a very young man, not long after she had gone to her husband, began to be sick with a grave morbus, to such a degree that all judged she was going to die: for both the Physicians had despaired of recovery, and the youthful woman, having lost her loquela, with eyes closed, her breath being cut off, seemed dead. The husband grieved that a wife was being snatched from him so soon, whom he had seldom known, and he, as was fitting, supremely loved her.

Decrevit ergo cum uxore, antequam ea expiraret, coire. Semotis omnibus (cum nescio quid se acturum secreto dixisset), uxorem cognovit. Illa e vestigio, tanquam vir novam vitam in corpus ejus indidisset, coepit spiritum ducere, atque oculis subapertis, post paululum loqui, et submissa voce virum appellare.

He therefore resolved with his wife, before she should expire, to couple. With everyone removed (since he had said he was going to do I-know-not-what in secret), he knew his wife. She straightway, as though the man had instilled a new life into her body, began to draw breath, and, her eyes slightly opened, after a little to speak, and in a subdued voice to address her husband.

Qui cum laetus rogasset, numquid vellet, potum petivit, quo, atque deinceps cibo dato convaluit. Cujus causam praestiterat matrimonii usus. Exemplo igitur arguitur morbis mulierum eam rem plurimum conferre.

When he, joyful, had asked whether she wished anything, she asked for a drink; with which, and thereafter when food was given, she convalesced. The cause of this had been furnished by the use of matrimony. From this example, therefore, it is argued that that thing contributes very greatly toward the maladies of women.

113. De Homine Non Litterato Qui Dignitatem Quamdam Archipresbyteratus Ab Archiepiscopo Mediolanensi Postulavit

113. On an Unlettered Man Who Petitioned the Archbishop of Milan for a Certain Dignity of the Archpresbyterate

Querebamur aliquando de condicione temporum, ne dicam hominum, qui in Ecclesia Principatum tenent; nam, posthabitis doctis ac prudentibus viris, indocti et nullius pretii homines extolluntur. Tum Antonius Luscus: 'Non est,' inquit, 'magis Pontificum quam ceterorum Principum culpa, apud quos fatuos, et ridiculos homines in deliciis haberi, doctrina vero excellentes rejici videmus. Erat olim,' ait, 'apud priscum illum Canem Principem Veronensem perjucundus homo, nomine Nobilis, rudis atque indoctus, sed facetiarum gratia acceptissimus Cani, et ob eam rem ab eo (erat enim clericus), pluribus ecclesiis donatus.

We sometimes were complaining about the condition of the times—not to say of the men—who hold the Principate in the Church; for, the learned and prudent men having been set aside, unlearned men and men of no worth are exalted. Then Antonius Luscus: 'It is not,' he says, 'more the fault of the Pontiffs than of the other Princes, among whom we see fools and ridiculous men kept in delights, but those excelling in doctrine rejected. There was once,' he says, 'with that former Cane, the Veronese Prince, a very delightful man, by the name Nobilis, rough and unlearned, but for the grace of his witticisms most acceptable to Cane, and for that reason by him (for he was a cleric) endowed with several churches.

Hic, cum Oratores, viri excellentes, ad Archiepiscopum Mediolanensem antiquiorem illum qui civitati imperabat a Principe mitterentur, se in eorum societatem contulit. Expositis mandatis, Oratores cum reverti vellent, Nobilisque, ut erat homo confabulator, risum Archiepiscopo movisset, potestatem fecit, si quid ab se vellet petere. Archipresbyteratum quemdam magnae dignitatis sibi dari Nobilis postulavit.

When Orators, excellent men, were being sent by the Prince to the Archbishop of Milan—the elder, that one who commanded the city—he betook himself into their company. The mandates having been set forth, when the Orators wished to revert, and as Nobilis, since he was a confabulator of a man, had moved the Archbishop to laughter, he granted him permission, if he wished, to ask anything of him. Nobilis requested that a certain archpresbyterate of great dignity be given to himself.

Tum ridens Archiepiscopus hominis stultitiam: 'Vide quid petis,' inquit. 'Major est haec res quam vires tuae ferre possint: homo enim es inscius litterarum, et apprime indoctus.' Atqui, statim et confidenter respondit Nobilis: 'More quidem patrio id facio. Nam Veronae nulla litteratis viris, sed indoctis et insciis beneficia conferunt.' Risimus facete hominis dictum, qui, quod Veronae stulte fiebat, et alibi fieri debere arbitrabatur.

Then the Archbishop, laughing at the man’s stupidity, said: 'See what you ask. This matter is greater than your powers can bear: for you are unknowing of letters, and exceedingly unlearned.' But at once and confidently Nobilis replied: 'I do this indeed by the ancestral custom. For at Verona they confer benefices not upon learned men, but upon the unlearned and ignorant.' We laughed at the man’s witty remark, who supposed that what was being done foolishly at Verona ought to be done elsewhere too.

114. De Meretrice Conquerente De Tonsoris Maleficio

114. On the Prostitute Complaining about the Barber’s Malefice

Magistratus est Florentiae, quem Officiales honestatis vocant: horum praecipua cura est in jure meretricibus dicendo, curandoque ut in omni civitate absque molestia esse possint. Accessit ad eos semel meretrix, questa injuriam damnumque a tonsore illatum, qui in balneum accersitus ab ea ut partes inferiores raderet, rasorio ita cunni partem incidit, ut pluribus diebus homines admittere nequivisset, ex quo damni infecti illum accusabat, amissi lucri restitutionem petens.

There is a magistracy in Florence, which they call the Officials of Honesty: their chief care is in giving judgment to meretrices (prostitutes), and in seeing to it that throughout the whole city they can be without molestation. A meretrix once approached them, complaining of an injury and damage inflicted by a barber (tonsor), who, having been summoned by her to the bath to shave the lower parts, with his razor so cut a part of the cunt that for several days she was unable to admit men; whereupon she accused him under damnum infectum (unrepaired damage), seeking restitution of the profit lost.

Quaeritur quae sit futura sententia?

It is asked what the forthcoming sentence will be?

115. De Religioso Cui Vidua Confitebatur

115. On the Religious to Whom a Widow Was Confessing

Audiebat Religiosus ex his qui vivere in Observantia dicuntur, viduam formosam Florentiae peccata sua confitentem. Cum mulier inter loquendum viro haereret, et faciem suam, ut secretius loqueretur, propius admoveret, anhelitus autem juvenilis virum concalefecisset, coepit tandem qui jacebat caput erigere, adeo ut paulo hominem torqueret. Cum ille molestia carnis oscitans, et se contorquens, cuperet mulierem abire, illa vero sibi paenitentiam injungi peteret: 'Paenitentiam,' inquit ille, 'indidisti tu mihi.'

A Religious, from those who are said to live in Observance, was hearing a beautiful widow at Florence confessing her sins. As the woman, in the course of speaking, clung to the man, and, that she might speak more secretly, brought her face closer, and her youthful breath had warmed the man, at length he who was lying down began to raise his head, so that it somewhat tormented the man. When he, yawning from the vexation of the flesh and twisting himself about, wished the woman to go away, but she was asking that penance be enjoined upon her, “Penance,” said he, “you have imposed upon me.”

116. De Viro Qui Suae Uxori Mortuum Se Ostendit

116. Of the Man Who Showed Himself Dead to His Own Wife

In Montevarchio oppido nobis propinquo, hortulanus mihi notus cum semel, uxore juvene, quae pannos lotum ierat, absente, ex horto domum revertisset, cupiens quid mulier, se mortuo, dictura, et quemadmodum se habitura esset audire, se in aula ad terram mortuo similis resupinus prostravit. Uxor, cum domum onerata linteis venisset, invento mortuo, prout credebat, marito, dubitans haerebat animo, statimne viri mortem lamentaretur, an prius (jejuna enim meridiem usque permanserat) comederet. Fame urgente, cibum capere decrevit, et frusto succidiae super prunas imposito perpropere comedit, nihil prae festinatione potans.

In the town of Montevarchio, near to us, a gardener known to me, when once, his young wife being absent, who had gone to wash cloths, had returned home from the garden, wishing to hear what the woman, he being dead, would say, and how she would conduct herself, laid himself prostrate on his back in the hall upon the ground, like a dead man. The wife, when she had come home burdened with linens, finding, as she believed, her husband dead, hung in doubt in her mind whether she should straightway lament her husband’s death, or first eat (for she had remained fasting up to midday). Hunger pressing, she decided to take food, and, a piece of bacon placed over the coals, she ate very hastily, drinking nothing on account of her hurry.

Cum sitiret nimium propter carnes salitas, sumpto urceolo, scalas coepit descendere, ut vinum ex cellario hauriret. Superveniente ex improviso vicina, ignis petendi gratia, cum subito scalas ascendisset, statim mulier, abjecto urceolo, sitibunda, veluti tunc repente vir exhalasset animam, exclamare coepit, et mortem ejus multis verbis plangere. Supervenere ad ululatum ploratumque vicinia omnis, viri ac mulieres, ob mortem tam repentinam.

Since she was excessively thirsty on account of the salted meats, having taken up a little pitcher, she began to descend the stairs, to draw wine from the cellar. A neighbor arriving unexpectedly, for the sake of seeking fire, when she had suddenly ascended the stairs, at once the woman, throwing down the pitcher, thirst-parched, as if just then the husband had exhaled his spirit, began to cry out and to lament his death with many words. To the ululation and weeping there ran together the whole neighborhood, men and women, on account of so sudden a death.

Jacebat enim vir, atque ita spiritum continebat clausis oculis, ut omnino expirasse videretur. Tandem cum visum ei esset satis ludorum dedisse, vociferante muliere, ac saepius dicente: 'Mi vir, quomodo nunc faciam?' Ille, apertis oculis: 'Male,' inquit, 'uxor mea, nisi e vestigio potum vadas.' Ex lacrimis ad risum omnes conversi sunt, audita praesertim fabula et causa sitis.

For the man was lying there, and he was so holding in his breath with his eyes closed that he seemed altogether to have expired. At length, when it seemed to him that he had given sport enough, while the woman was vociferating and repeatedly saying, 'My husband, how am I to do now?' he, opening his eyes, said, 'Badly, my wife, unless you go this instant to fetch a drink.' From tears all were turned to laughter, especially when the tale and the cause of the thirst were heard.

117. De Bononiensi Adolescentula Simplice

117. On a Simple Bolognese Young Girl

Adolescentula Bononiensis, noviter nupta, querebatur apud honestissimam matronam mihi vicinam, se acriter nimium ac persaepe a viro vapulare. Quaerente quamobrem matrona, respondit virum aegre ferre eam, dum matrimonio uteretur, immobilem, in modum trunci, permanere. 'Cur non,' inquit illa, 'viro obsequeris in lecto, et voluntati pares?' Tum illa: 'Nescio, Domina, quomodo id fiat,' ait.

A Bolognese adolescent maiden, newly married, was complaining before a most honorable matron, my neighbor, that she was being beaten too sharply, excessively, and very often by her husband. The matron asking for what reason, she replied that the husband took it ill that she, while she used matrimony, remained immobile, in the manner of a trunk. 'Why do you not,' said she, 'be obsequious to your husband in bed, and equal yourself to his will?' Then she: 'I do not know, Lady, how that may be done,' she said.

'Nunquam enim aliquis me docuit, quomodo id agendum esset: nam si id scirem, non paterer me verberibus a viro caedi.' Simplicitas mira puellae, quae, etiam quae natura percipiuntur a feminis, ignoraret. Hoc uxori postea per jocum recitavi.

'For never indeed has anyone taught me how that ought to be done: for if I knew that, I would not allow myself to be beaten with blows by my husband.' Wondrous simplicity of the girl, who would be ignorant even of those things which by nature are perceived by women. This I afterwards recited to my wife in jest.

118. Responsio Confessoris Ad Bernabovem Principem De Muliere Facta

118. The Confessor’s Response To Prince Bernabò Concerning A Case Involving A Woman

Bernabos, Princeps Mediolani, fuit admodum mulierosus. Is cum aliquando solus in horto, semotis arbitris, cum muliere quam amabat lascivus jocaretur, supervenit de improviso Religiosus quidam, Confessor ejus, cui propter sapientiam et auctoritatem semper ad Principem patebant fores. Erubuit simul et indignatus est Princeps de insperato Confessoris adventu, pauloque commotior, ut eum in responso caperet: 'Quid,' inquit, 'ageres, si tu quoque cum ejusmodi muliere in lecto esses?' At ille: 'Quid me deceret,' ait, 'scio, quid vero facturus essem, nescio.' Hoc responso iram Principis flexit, cum se quoque hominem esse et labi posse fateretur.

Bernabos, Prince of Milan, was exceedingly women-loving. When he was once alone in a garden, the onlookers removed, sporting wantonly with a woman whom he loved, there arrived unexpectedly a certain Religious, his Confessor, to whom, on account of his wisdom and authority, the doors to the Prince were always open. The Prince blushed and at the same time was indignant at the unlooked-for arrival of the Confessor, and, being a little more stirred, so as to catch him in a reply, said: ‘What would you do, if you too were in bed with a woman of that sort?’ But he: ‘What would be fitting for me, I know; what in truth I would do, I do not know.’ By this response he bent the Prince’s anger, since he admitted that he too was a man and could lapse.

119. De Servo Oblivioso Ex Pondere Defatigato

119. On the Forgetful Slave Fatigued from the Weight

Robertus ex Albiciorum familia, vir doctus et perhumanus, habebat famulum quemdam insulsum, obliviosum, et ingenio tardo, quem ille magis humanitatis quam utilitatis causa domi nutriebat. Hunc aliquando cum certis mandatis misit ad amicum suum, Degum nomine, qui habitabat prope Trinitatis pontem; ad quem cum accessisset, rogatus, quidnam a patrono afferret novi, ille oblitus patroni verborum, veluti stupidus ac cogitabundus, quid diceret haesitabat. Conspecta hominis, quem probe noverat, taciturnitate, statim: 'Scio,' inquit, 'quid velis,' et ostenso pergrandi lapideo mortario: 'Cape hoc,' ait, 'et ad patronum tuum, nam id postulat, quamprimum feras.' Hunc Robertus mortarium humeris ferentem a longe cum aspexisset, cogitans, quod erat id ad puniendam famuli oblivionem factum, cum appropinquasset: 'Malum tibi, insulse,' ait, 'qui non recte verba mea percepisti.

Robert of the Albicii family, a learned and very humane man, had a certain servant, dull, forgetful, and of slow wit, whom he maintained at home more for the sake of humanity than of utility. This man he once sent with specific mandates to his friend, by name Degus, who lived near the Bridge of the Trinity; and when he had come to him, being asked what new thing he was bringing from his patron, he, having forgotten his patron’s words, as though stupefied and ruminative, hesitated what he should say. On seeing the taciturnity of the man, whom he knew well, at once: 'I know,' he says, 'what you want,' and, showing a very large stone mortar: 'Take this,' he says, 'and to your patron, for he asks for it, carry it as soon as possible.' When Robert had seen from afar this fellow carrying the mortar on his shoulders, thinking that this had been done to punish the servant’s oblivion, when he had approached: 'A plague on you, simpleton,' he says, 'for you did not rightly perceive my words.

Redi e vestigio, nam tam grande nolo, et minusculum porta.' Ille sudans ac pondere fessus, cum se errasse fateretur, ad amicum reversus, aliud quoddam tertio reportavit. Hoc pacto insulsitas hominis est multata.

Go back on the spot, for I do not want so large a thing, and bring a minuscule one.' He, sweating and wearied by the weight, while he confessed that he had erred, having returned to the friend, for the third time brought back some other thing. In this way the man's dullness was punished.

120. De Homine Qui Mille Florenos Vult Expendere Ut Cognoscatur, Et Responsio In Eum Facta

120. On the Man Who Wants to Spend a Thousand Florins So That He May Be Known, And the Response Made Against Him

Quidam e nostris Florentinis adolescens, haud magni consilii, amico narravit peragrandi orbis cupiditate se mille florenos velle expendere, ut quanti esset nosceretur. Tum alter, cui probe notus erat: 'Satius est,' inquit, 'duo millia expendas, ut des operam ne cognoscaris.'

A certain adolescent of ours, a Florentine, of not great counsel, told a friend that, from a desire of traversing the world, he wished to expend a thousand florins, so that it might be known how much he was worth. Then the other, to whom he was well known, said: 'It is better,' he said, 'that you expend two thousand, that you take pains not to be recognized.'