Augustine: CONFESSIONES

accipe sacrificium confessionum mearum de manu linguae meae (quam formasti et excitasti, ut confiteatur nomini tuo), et sana omnia ossa mea, et dicant, 'domine, quis similis tibi?' neque enim docet te quid in se agatur qui tibi confitetur, quia oculum tuum non excludit cor clausum nec manum tuam repellit duritia hominum, sed solvis eam cum voles, aut miserans aut vindicans, et non est qui se abscondat a calore tuo. sed te laudet anima mea ut amet te, et confiteatur tibi miserationes tuas ut laudet te. non cessat nec tacet laudes tuas universa creatura tua, nec spiritus omnis per os conversum ad te, nec animalia nec corporalia per os considerantium ea, ut exsurgat in te a lassitudine anima nostra, innitens eis quae fecisti et transiens ad te, qui fecisti haec mirabiliter. et ibi refectio et vera fortitudo.

receive the sacrifice of my confessions from the hand of my tongue (which you formed and stirred up, that it might confess to your name), and heal all my bones, and let them say, 'lord, who is like unto you?' for he who confesses to you does not teach you what is being done within himself, because a closed heart does not exclude your eye nor does the hardness of men repel your hand, but you loosen it when you will, either pitying or vindicating, and there is no one who can hide himself from your heat. but let my soul praise you that it may love you, and let it confess to you your mercies that it may praise you. your entire creation does not cease nor is silent of your praises, nor does every spirit through the mouth turned toward you, nor the animate nor the corporeal things through the mouth of those considering them, so that our soul may rise up in you from weariness, leaning upon the things which you have made and passing over to you, who have made these things wondrously. and there is refreshment and true fortitude there.

5.2.2

eant et fugiant a te inquieti iniqui. et tu vides eos et distinguis umbras, et ecce pulchra sunt cum eis omnia et ipsi turpes sunt. et quid nocuerunt tibi?

let them go and let them flee from you, the unquiet iniquitous. and you see them and distinguish the shades, and behold, all things are beautiful with them, and they themselves are foul. and what have they harmed you?

aut in quo imperium tuum dehonestaverunt, a caelis usque in novissima iustum et integrum? quo enim fugerunt, cum fugerent a facie tua? aut ubi tu non invenis eos?

or in what have they dishonored your empire, just and integral from the heavens even unto the very last things? for whither did they flee, when they fled from your face? or where do you not find them?

sed fugerunt ut non viderent te videntem se atque excaecati in te offenderent, quia non deseris aliquid eorum quae fecisti; in te offenderent iniusti et iuste vexarentur, subtrahentes se lenitati tuae et offendentes in rectitudinem tuam et cadentes in asperitatem tuam. videlicet nesciunt quod ubique sis, quem nullus circumscribit locus, et solus es praesens etiam his qui longe fiunt a te. convertantur ergo et quaerant te, quia non, sicut ipsi deseruerunt creatorem suum, ita tu deseruisti creaturam tuam: ipsi convertantur. et ecce ibi es in corde eorum, in corde confitentium tibi et proicientium se in te et plorantium in sinu tuo post vias suas difficiles.

but they fled so as not to see you who see them, and being blinded they might offend in you, because you do not desert anything of the things you have made; in you let the unjust offend and be justly vexed, withdrawing themselves from your lenity and offending against your rectitude and falling upon your asperity. clearly they do not know that you are everywhere, whom no place circumscribes, and you alone are present even to those who become far from you. let them be converted, then, and seek you, because not as they deserted their creator did you desert your creature: let them be converted. and behold, there you are in their heart, in the heart of those confessing to you and casting themselves upon you and weeping in your bosom after their difficult ways.

et tu facilis terges lacrimas eorum, et magis plorant et gaudent in fletibus, quoniam tu, domine, non aliquis homo, caro et sanguis, sed tu, domine, qui fecisti, reficis et consolaris eos. et ubi ego eram, quando te quaerebam? et tu eras ante me, ego autem et a me discesseram nec me inveniebam: quanto minus te!

and you readily wipe their tears, and they weep the more and rejoice in their weepings, because you, Lord, not some man, flesh and blood, but you, Lord, who fashioned, refashion and console them. and where was I, when I was seeking you? and you were before me, but I had even departed from myself and was not finding myself: how much less you!

5.3.3

proloquar in conspectu dei mei annum illum undetricensimum aetatis meae. iam venerat Carthaginem quidam manichaeorum episcopus, Faustus nomine, magnus laqueus diaboli, et multi implicabantur in eo per inlecebram suaviloquentiae. quam ego iam tametsi laudabam, discernebam tamen a veritate rerum quarum discendarum avidus eram, nec quali vasculo sermonis, sed quid mihi scientiae comedendum apponeret nominatus apud eos ille Faustus intuebar.

I will speak forth in the sight of my God that twenty-ninth year of my age. Already there had come to Carthage a certain bishop of the Manichaeans, by name Faustus, a great snare of the Devil, and many were entangled in him through the allurement of sweet-eloquence. Which eloquence I, though I already praised it, yet distinguished from the truth of the things whose learning I was eager for; and I was looking not at what little vessel of discourse, but at what of science for me to eat he would set before me—that Faustus, renowned among them.

fama enim de illo praelocuta mihi erat quod esset honestarum omnium doctrinarum peritissimus et apprime disciplinis liberalibus eruditus. et quoniam multa philosophorum legeram memoriaeque mandata retinebam, ex eis quaedam comparabam illis manichaeorum longis fabulis, et mihi probabiliora ista videbantur quae dixerunt illi qui tantum potuerunt valere ut possent aestimare saeculum, quamquam eius dominum minime invenerint. quoniam magnus es, domine, et humilia respicis, excelsa autem a longe cognoscis, nec propinquas nisi obtritis corde nec inveniris a superbis, nec si illi curiosa peritia numerent stellas et harenam et dimetiantur sidereas plagas et vestigent vias astrorum.

for a report had spoken before to me about him, that he was most skilled in all honorable doctrines and, above all, erudite in the liberal disciplines. And since I had read much of the philosophers and retained it, committed to memory, from them I was comparing certain things with those long fables of the Manichaeans, and those things seemed to me more probable which were said by those who could have such weight as to be able to appraise the age (the world), although they in no wise found its Lord. Since great are you, Lord, and you regard the lowly, but the lofty you know from afar, nor do you draw near except to the contrite of heart, nor are you found by the proud, not even if by curious expertise they should number the stars and the sand and measure out the sidereal regions and track the paths of the constellations.

5.3.4

invenerunt et praenuntiaverunt ante multos annos defectus luminarium solis et lunae, quo die, qua hora, quanta ex parte futuri essent, et non eos fefellit numerus. et ita factum est ut praenuntiaverunt, et scripserunt regulas indagatas, et leguntur hodie atque ex eis praenuntiatur quo anno et quo mense anni et quo die mensis et qua hora diei et quota parte luminis sui defectura sit luna vel sol: et ita fiet ut praenuntiatur. et mirantur haec homines et stupent qui nesciunt ea, et exultant atque extolluntur qui sciunt, et per impiam superbiam recedentes et deficientes a lumine tuo tanto ante solis defectum futurum praevident, et in praesentia suum non vident (non enim religiose quaerunt unde habeant ingenium quo ista quaerunt), et invenientes quia tu fecisti eos, non ipsi se dant tibi, se ut serves quod fecisti, et quales se ipsi fecerant occidunt se tibi, et trucidant exaltationes suas sicut volatilia, et curiositates suas sicut pisces maris quibus perambulant secretas semitas abyssi, et luxurias suas sicut pecora campi, ut tu, deus, ignis edax consumas mortuas curas eorum, recreans eos immortaliter.

they discovered and preannounced many years beforehand the defects (eclipses) of the luminaries, the sun and the moon—on what day, at what hour, to what extent they would occur—and the computation did not deceive them. and it came to pass just as they preannounced, and they wrote down the rules they had tracked out, and they are read today, and from them it is preannounced in what year and in what month of the year and on what day of the month and at what hour of the day and by what portion of its own light the moon or the sun is going to be deficient; and so it will be as it is preannounced. and men marvel at these things and are stupefied who do not know them, and they who know exult and are exalted, and, by impious pride withdrawing and failing from your light, they foresee long beforehand a future eclipse of the sun, and in the present they do not see what is their own (for they do not religiously seek whence they have the ingenium by which they seek these things); and though finding that you made them, they do not give themselves to you, that you may preserve what you made, and, such as they had made themselves, they slay themselves to you, and they butcher their exaltations like birds, and their curiosities like the fish of the sea, by which they traverse the secret paths of the abyss, and their lusts like the cattle of the field, that you, god, a devouring fire, may consume their dead cares, renewing them immortally.

5.3.5

sed non noverunt viam, verbum tuum, per quod fecisti ea quae numerant et ipsos qui numerant, et sensum quo cernunt quae numerant et mentem de qua numerant: et sapientiae tuae non est numerus. ipse autem unigenitus factus est nobis sapientia et iustitia et sanctificatio, et numeratus est inter nos, et solvit tributum Caesari. non noverunt hanc viam qua descendant ad illum a se et per eum ascendant ad eum.

but they did not know the way, your Word, through which you made the things which they number and those themselves who number, and the sense by which they discern the things which they number and the mind from which they number: and of your wisdom there is no number. but the Only-begotten himself has been made for us wisdom and justice and sanctification, and was numbered among us, and paid the tribute to Caesar. they do not know this way by which they descend to him from themselves and through him ascend to him.

non noverunt hanc viam, et putant se excelsos esse cum sideribus et lucidos, et ecce ruerunt in terram, et obscuratum est insipiens cor eorum. et multa vera de creatura dicunt et veritatem, creaturae artificem, non pie quaerunt, et ideo non inveniunt, aut si inveniunt, cognoscentes deum non sicut deum honorant aut gratias agunt, et evanescunt in cogitationibus suis, et dicunt se esse sapientes sibi tribuendo quae tua sunt, ac per hoc student perversissima caecitate etiam tibi tribuere quae sua sunt, mendacia scilicet in te conferentes, qui veritas es, et immutantes gloriam incorrupti dei in similitudinem imaginis corruptibilis hominis et volucrum et quadrupedum et serpentium, et convertunt veritatem tuam in mendacium, et colunt et serviunt creaturae potius quam creatori.

they do not know this way, and they think themselves exalted with the stars and bright; and behold, they have rushed down to the earth, and their foolish heart has been darkened. and many true things they say about the creature, but the Truth, the artificer of the creature, they do not seek piously, and therefore they do not find; or if they find, knowing god they do not honor as god nor give thanks, and they become vain in their cogitations, and they say that they are wise, attributing to themselves the things that are yours; and through this they strive, with most perverse blindness, even to attribute to you the things that are theirs, namely, conferring lies onto you, who are truth, and changing the glory of the incorruptible god into the likeness of the image of corruptible man and of birds and quadrupeds and serpents, and they convert your truth into a lie, and they worship and serve the creature rather than the creator.

5.3.6

multa tamen ab eis ex ipsa creatura vera dicta retinebam, et occurrebat mihi ratio per numeros et ordinem temporum et visibiles attestationes siderum, et conferebam cum dictis Manichaei, quae de his rebus multa scripsit copiosissime delirans, et non mihi occurrebat ratio nec solistitiorum et aequinoctiorum nec defectuum luminarium nec quidquid tale in libris saecularis sapientiae didiceram. ibi autem credere iubebar, et ad illas rationes numeris et oculis meis exploratas non occurrebat, et longe diversum erat.

yet I retained many truths said by them from the very creation, and a rationale presented itself to me through numbers and the order of times and the visible attestations of the stars, and I compared these with the sayings of Manichaeus, who about these matters wrote many things, raving most copiously; and no rationale presented itself to me either of the solstices and equinoxes or of the eclipses of the luminaries, nor of whatever such things I had learned in the books of secular wisdom. There, however, I was bidden to believe; and to those rational accounts, explored by my numbers and my eyes, nothing presented itself to answer them, and it was far different.

5.4.7

numquid, domine deus veritatis, quisquis novit ista, iam placet tibi? infelix enim homo qui scit illa omnia, te autem nescit; beatus autem qui te scit, etiamsi illa nesciat. qui vero et te et illa novit, non propter illa beatior, sed propter te solum beatus est, si cognoscens te sicut te glorificet et gratias agat, et non evanescat in cogitationibus suis.

Is it the case, Lord God of truth, that whoever knows these things already pleases you? For wretched is the man who knows all those things, yet does not know you; but blessed is he who knows you, even if he does not know those things. But he who knows both you and those things is not more blessed on account of those things, but on account of you alone he is blessed, if, knowing you, he glorifies you as you are and gives thanks, and does not become vain in his thoughts.

sicut enim melior est qui novit possidere arborem et de usu eius tibi gratias agit, quamvis nesciat vel quot cubitis alta sit vel quanta latitudine diffusa, quam ille qui eam metitur et omnes ramos eius numerat et neque possidet eam neque creatorem eius novit aut diligit, sic fidelis homo, cuius totus mundus divitiarum est et quasi nihil habens omnia possidet inhaerendo tibi, cui serviunt omnia, quamvis nec saltem septentrionum gyros noverit, dubitare stultum est, quin utique melior sit quam mensor caeli et numerator siderum et pensor elementorum et neglegens tui, qui omnia in mensura et numero et pondere disposuisti.

For just as better is he who knows how to possess a tree and gives thanks to you for its use, although he does not know either how many cubits high it is or how great in breadth it is spread out, than he who measures it and numbers all its branches and neither possesses it nor knows or loves its creator, so the faithful man, to whom the whole world is a wealth of riches and, as having nothing, possesses all things by cleaving to you, to whom all things serve, although he does not even know at least the gyres of the septentrions, it is foolish to doubt that he is assuredly better than the measurer of the heaven and the enumerator of the stars and the weigher of the elements and the neglecter of you, who have disposed all things in measure and number and weight.

5.5.8

sed tamen quis quaerebat Manichaeum nescio quem etiam ista scribere, sine quorum peritia pietas disci poterat? dixisti enim homini, 'ecce pietas est sapientia.' quam ille ignorare posset, etiamsi ista perfecte nosset; ista vero quia non noverat, impudentissime audens docere, prorsus illam nosse non posset. vanitas est enim mundana ista etiam nota profiteri, pietas autem tibi confiteri.

but yet, who was asking that some Manichaean—I know not who—should also write on these topics, without expertise in which piety could be learned? for you have said to man, 'behold, piety is wisdom.' this he could be ignorant of, even if he knew these things perfectly; but since he did not know these things, while most impudently daring to teach, he could by no means know that. for it is vanity to profess these mundane matters even when known, but piety is to confess to you.

unde ille devius ad hoc ista multum locutus est, ut convictus ab eis qui ista vere didicissent, quis esset eius sensus in ceteris quae abditiora sunt manifeste cognosceretur. non enim parvi se aestimari voluit, sed spiritum sanctum, consolatorem et ditatorem fidelium tuorum, auctoritate plenaria personaliter in se esse persuadere conatus est. itaque cum de caelo ac stellis et de solis ac lunae motibus falsa dixisse deprehenderetur, quamvis ad doctrinam religionis ista non pertineant, tamen ausus eius sacrilegos fuisse satis emineret, cum ea non solum ignorata sed etiam falsa tam vesana superbiae vanitate diceret, ut ea tamquam divinae personae tribuere sibi niteretur.

whence he, astray, spoke much about these matters to this end: that, once refuted by those who had truly learned these things, what his mind was in the rest, which are more hidden, might be manifestly known. For he did not wish to be esteemed of little account, but tried to persuade that the Holy Spirit, the Comforter and Enricher of your faithful, with plenary authority, was personally in himself. And so, when he was detected to have spoken falsely about heaven and the stars and about the motions of the sun and the moon—although these do not pertain to the doctrine of religion—nevertheless it stood out sufficiently that his daring was sacrilegious, since he said things not only unknown but also false with so insane a vanity of pride, that he strove to attribute them to himself as to a divine person.

5.5.9

cum enim audio christianum aliquem fratrem illum aut illum ista nescientem et aliud pro alio sentientem, patienter intueor opinantem hominem nec illi obesse video, cum de te, domine creator omnium, non credat indigna, si forte situs et habitus creaturae corporalis ignoret. obest autem, si hoc ad ipsam doctrinae pietatis formam pertinere arbitretur et pertinacius affirmare audeat quod ignorat. sed etiam talis infirmitas in fidei cunabulis a caritate matre sustinetur, donec adsurgat novus homo in virum perfectum et circumferri non possit omni vento doctrinae.

for when I hear some Christian brother, this one or that, not knowing these matters and thinking one thing for another, I look patiently upon the man opining, and I do not see it harm him, since concerning you, Lord, creator of all, he does not believe unworthy things, if perchance he is ignorant of the position and habitus of the corporeal creature. however, it is harmful if he judges this to pertain to the very form of the doctrine of piety, and dares to affirm more pertinaciously what he does not know. but even such infirmity, in the cradles of faith, is sustained by mother Charity, until the new man rises up into a perfect man and cannot be carried about by every wind of doctrine.

in illo autem qui doctor, qui auctor, qui dux et princeps eorum quibus illa suaderet, ita fieri ausus est, ut qui eum sequerentur non quemlibet hominem sed spiritum tuum sanctum se sequi arbitrarentur, quis tantam dementiam, sicubi falsa dixisse convinceretur, non detestandam longeque abiciendam esse iudicaret? sed tamen nondum liquido compereram utrum etiam secundum eius verba vicissitudines longiorum et breviorum dierum atque noctium et ipsius noctis et diei et deliquia luminum et si quid eius modi in aliis libris legeram posset exponi, ut, si forte posset, incertum quidem mihi fieret utrum ita se res haberet an ita, sed ad fidem meam illius auctoritatem propter creditam sanctitatem praeponerem.

But in that man who was the doctor, the author, the guide and prince of those to whom he was recommending those things, he dared so to arrange it that those who followed him would think that they were following not just any man but your Holy Spirit; who, if he were anywhere convicted of having spoken falsehoods, would not judge that such madness ought to be detested and cast far away? Yet I had not yet clearly discovered whether, even according to his words, the vicissitudes of longer and shorter days and nights, and of night and day itself, and the eclipses of the lights, and whatever of that sort I had read in other books, could be expounded—so that, if perhaps they could, it would indeed become uncertain for me whether the matter stood thus or thus; but I would set his authority, on account of his reputed sanctity, before my own belief.

5.6.10

et per annos ferme ipsos novem quibus eos animo vagabundus audivi nimis extento desiderio venturum expectabam istum Faustum. ceteri enim eorum in quos forte incurrissem, qui talium rerum quaestionibus a me obiectibus deficiebant, illum mihi promittebant, cuius adventu conlatoque conloquio facillime mihi haec et si qua forte maiora quaererem enodatissime expedirentur. ergo ubi venit, expertus sum hominem gratum et iucundum verbis et ea ipsa quae illi solent dicere multo suavius garrientem.

and for almost those very nine years during which, wandering in mind, I listened to them, with an overly outstretched longing I was expecting that Faustus would come. for the rest of them, into whom I had by chance run, who failed when I put to them questions about such matters, kept promising him to me—upon whose arrival and with a conference brought together these things, and even, if perchance I should inquire into greater matters, would be most easily and most lucidly unknotted for me. therefore, when he came, I found a man pleasing and agreeable in words, and garrulously chattering much more sweetly those very things which they are accustomed to say.

sed quid ad meam sitim pretiosorum poculorum decentissimus ministrator? iam rebus talibus satiatae erant aures meae, nec ideo mihi meliora videbantur quia melius dicebantur, nec ideo vera quia diserta, nec ideo sapiens anima quia vultus congruus et decorum eloquium. illi autem qui eum mihi promittebant non boni rerum existimatores erant, et ideo illis videbatur prudens et sapiens, quia delectabat eos loquens.

But what to my thirst is the most becoming server of precious goblets? By now my ears had been sated with such things, nor for that reason did they seem better to me because they were said better, nor therefore true because eloquent, nor therefore a soul wise because the countenance was congruous and the eloquium decorous. But those who were promising him to me were not good appraisers of things, and therefore he seemed to them prudent and wise, because, speaking, he delighted them.

sensi autem aliud genus hominum etiam veritatem habere suspectam et ei nolle adquiescere, si compto atque uberi sermone promeretur. me autem iam docueras, deus meus, miris et occultis modis (et propterea credo quod tu me docueris, quoniam verum est, nec quisquam praeter te alius doctor est veri, ubicumque et undecumque claruerit), iam ergo abs te didiceram nec eo debere videri aliquid verum dici, quia eloquenter dicitur, nec eo falsum, quia incomposite sonant signa labiorum; rursus nec ideo verum, quia impolite enuntiatur, nec ideo falsum, quia splendidus sermo est, sed perinde esse sapientiam et stultitiam sicut sunt cibi utiles et inutiles, verbis autem ornatis et inornatis sicut vasis urbanis et rusticanis utrosque cibos posse ministrari.

I perceived, moreover, that another kind of men has even truth under suspicion and is unwilling to acquiesce to it, if it be brought forth with a polished and copious speech. But you had already taught me, my God, in wondrous and hidden modes (and for that reason I believe that you have taught me, because it is true, nor is there anyone besides you another teacher of the truth, wherever and from whatever quarter it has shone), already then I had learned from you that a thing ought not to seem to be spoken true because it is spoken eloquently, nor false because the signs of the lips sound uncomposed; again, nor therefore true because it is enunciated impolitely, nor therefore false because the discourse is splendid; but that wisdom and stupidity stand just as useful and useless foods do, while by words adorned and unadorned, as by urban and rustic vessels, both kinds of foods can be served.

5.6.11

igitur aviditas mea, qua illum tanto tempore expectaveram hominem, delectabatur quidem motu affectuque disputantis et verbis congruentibus atque ad vestiendas sententias facile occurrentibus. delectabar autem et cum multis vel etiam prae multis laudabam ac ferebam, sed moleste habebam quod in coetu audientium non sinerer ingerere illi et partiri cum eo curas quaestionum mearum conferendo familiariter et accipiendo ac reddendo sermonem. quod ubi potui et aures eius cum familiaribus meis eoque tempore occupare coepi quo non dedeceret alternis disserere, et protuli quaedam quae me movebant, expertus sum prius hominem expertem liberalium disciplinarum nisi grammaticae atque eius ipsius usitato modo.

Therefore my avidity, with which I had awaited that man for so long a time, was indeed delighted by the movement and affect of the disputant, and by words congruent and readily occurring to clothe his sentences. I too was delighted and, with many—or even before many—I praised and backed him; but I was vexed that, in the assembly of hearers, I was not allowed to press things upon him and to share with him the cares of my questions by conversing familiarly and by receiving and returning discourse. When I was able to do this, and I began to occupy his ears together with my familiars, and at a time when it would not be unseemly to discuss by turns, and I brought forth certain matters that were moving me, I discovered the man to be unacquainted with the liberal disciplines, except for grammar—and that in its customary mode.

et quia legerat aliquas tullianas orationes et paucissimos Senecae libros et nonnulla poetarum et suae sectae si qua volumina latine atque composite conscripta erant, et quia aderat cotidiana sermocinandi exercitatio, inde suppetebat eloquium, quod fiebat acceptius magisque seductorium moderamine ingenii et quodam lepore naturali. itane est, ut recolo, domine deus meus, arbiter conscientiae meae? coram te cor meum et recordatio mea, qui me tunc agebas abdito secreto providentiae tuae et inhonestos errores meos iam convertebas ante faciem meam, ut viderem et odissem.

and because he had read some Tullian orations and a very few books of Seneca and some pieces of the poets, and, of his own sect, whatever volumes there were written in Latin and in well-composed style, and because there was at hand a daily exercise in sermocination, from this there was supplied an eloquence which became more acceptable and more seducing by the governance of his ingenuity and by a certain natural charm. Is it so, as I recollect, Lord my God, arbiter of my conscience? Before you are my heart and my remembrance—you who then were guiding me by the hidden secret of your providence and were already turning my dishonorable wanderings before my face, that I might see and hate.

5.7.12

nam posteaquam ille mihi imperitus earum artium quibus eum excellere putaveram satis apparuit, desperare coepi posse mihi eum illa quae me movebant aperire atque dissolvere; quorum quidem ignarus posset veritatem tenere pietatis, sed si manichaeus non esset. libri quippe eorum pleni sunt longissimis fabulis de caelo et sideribus et sole et luna; quae mihi eum, quod utique cupiebam, conlatis numerorum rationibus quas alibi ego legeram, utrum potius ita essent ut Manichaei libris continebantur, an certe vel par etiam inde ratio redderetur, subtiliter explicare posse iam non arbitrabar. quae tamen ubi consideranda et discutienda protuli, modeste sane ille nec ausus est subire ipsam sarcinam.

for after he appeared to me quite unskilled in those arts in which I had supposed him to excel, I began to despair that he could open up and dissolve for me those things which were moving me; of which matters indeed, though ignorant, he might be able to hold the verity of piety—if only he were not a Manichaean. for their books are filled with very long fables about heaven and the stars and the sun and the moon; and I no longer thought he could skillfully explain to me—what I certainly desired—by comparing the numerical reckonings which I had read elsewhere, whether they were rather as they were contained in the Manichaeans’ books, or at least whether even from that quarter an equal account could be rendered. which things, however, when I brought forward to be considered and discussed, he, to be sure, modestly did not dare to take up the burden itself.

noverat enim se ista non nosse nec eum puduit confiteri. non erat de talibus, quales multos loquaces passus eram, conantes ea me docere et dicentes nihil. iste vero cor habebat, etsi non rectum ad te, nec tamen nimis incautum ad se ipsum.

For he knew himself not to know those things, nor was he ashamed to confess it. He was not of the sort—of which I had endured many loquacious men—attempting to teach me those things and saying nothing. This man, however, had a heart, although not right toward you, yet not too incautious toward himself.

non usquequaque imperitus erat imperitiae suae, et noluit se temere disputando in ea coartare unde nec exitus ei ullus nec facilis esset reditus: etiam hinc mihi amplius placuit. pulchrior est enim temperantia confitentis animi quam illa quae nosse cupiebam. et eum in omnibus difficilioribus et subtilioribus quaestionibus talem inveniebam.

he was not altogether unskilled in his own inexperience, and he did not wish, by disputing rashly, to hem himself in where there would be for him neither any exit nor an easy return: even for this he pleased me the more. for the temperance of a confessing soul is more beautiful than that which I was eager to know. and I found him of this sort in all the more difficult and more subtle questions.

5.7.13

refracto itaque studio quod intenderam in Manichaei litteras, magisque desperans de ceteris eorum doctoribus, quando in multis quae me movebant ita ille nominatus apparuit, coepi cum eo pro studio eius agere vitam, quo ipse flagrabat in eas litteras quas tunc iam rhetor Carthaginis adulescentes docebam, et legere cum eo sive quae ille audita desideraret sive quae ipse tali ingenio apta existimarem. ceterum conatus omnis meus quo proficere in illa secta statueram illo homine cognito prorsus intercidit, non ut ab eis omnino separarer sed, quasi melius quicquam non inveniens, eo quo iam quoquo modo inrueram contentus interim esse decreveram, nisi aliquid forte quod magis eligendum esset eluceret. ita ille Faustus, qui multis laqueus mortis extitit, meum quo captus eram relaxare iam coeperat, nec volens nec sciens.

Accordingly, with the zeal broken which I had bent toward the letters of Manichaeus, and the more despairing of their other teachers, since in many matters that were moving me that so‑named man appeared such as he did, I began, for the sake of his study, to conduct my life with him, with which he himself was ablaze toward those letters which I then, already a rhetor of Carthage, was teaching to adolescents, and to read with him either what he desired to hear or what I myself judged apt for such an ingenium. Moreover, all my effort by which I had resolved to make progress in that sect, once that man was known, utterly died away—not so that I was altogether separated from them, but, as if finding nothing better, I had decided in the meantime to be content with that into which I had already rushed in whatever way, unless perchance something should shine out which ought rather to be chosen. Thus that Faustus, who proved a snare of death to many, had already begun to loosen the snare by which I had been captured, neither willing nor knowing it.

manus enim tuae, deus meus, in abdito providentiae tuae non deserebant animam meam, et de sanguine cordis matris meae per lacrimas eius diebus et noctibus pro me sacrificabatur tibi, et egisti mecum miris modis. tu illud egisti, deus meus, nam a domino gressus hominis diriguntur, et viam eius volet. aut quae procuratio salutis praeter manum tuam reficientem quae fecisti?

for your hands, my god, in the hidden place of your providence were not deserting my soul; and out of the blood of my mother’s heart, through her tears by days and by nights, there was being sacrificed to you on my behalf; and you dealt with me in wondrous modes. you accomplished that, my god, for from the lord the steps of a man are directed, and he delights in his way. or what procuration of salvation is there apart from your hand refashioning what you have made?

5.8.14

egisti ergo mecum ut mihi persuaderetur Romam pergere et potius ibi docere quod docebam Carthagini. et hoc unde mihi persuasum est non praeteribo confiteri tibi, quoniam et in his altissimi tui recessus et praesentissima in nos misericordia tua cogitanda et praedicanda est. non ideo Romam pergere volui, quod maiores quaestus maiorque mihi dignitas ab amicis qui hoc suadebant promittebatur (quamquam et ista ducebant animum tunc meum), sed illa erat causa maxima et paene sola, quod audiebam quietius ibi studere adulescentes et ordinatiore disciplinae cohercitione sedari, ne in eius scholam quo magistro non utuntur passim et proterve inruant, nec eos admitti omnino nisi ille permiserit.

You dealt, then, with me, that it should be persuaded to me to proceed to Rome and rather there to teach what I was teaching at Carthage. And this, whence it was persuaded to me, I will not pass over to confess to you, since both in these things the recesses of your Most High and your most present mercy toward us are to be pondered and proclaimed. I did not for this reason wish to proceed to Rome, that greater profits and greater dignity were being promised me by friends who were urging this (although even those things were drawing my mind then), but that was the greatest and almost the sole cause: that I heard the adolescents there study more quietly and are calmed by a more orderly coercion of discipline, lest they, into the school of one whose master they do not employ, everywhere and insolently rush in, nor are they admitted at all unless he has permitted it.

contra apud Carthaginem foeda est et intemperans licentia scholasticorum. inrumpunt impudenter et prope furiosa fronte perturbant ordinem quem quisque discipulis ad proficiendum instituerit. multa iniuriosa faciunt mira hebetudine, et punienda legibus nisi consuetudo patrona sit, hoc miseriores eos ostendens, quo iam quasi liceat faciunt quod per tuam aeternam legem numquam licebit, et impune se facere arbitrantur, cum ipsa faciendi caecitate puniantur et incomparabiliter patiantur peiora quam faciunt.

by contrast at Carthage there is a foul and intemperate license of the scholastics. they burst in impudently, and with a nearly furious brow they perturb the order which each has instituted for his disciples for making progress. they do many injurious things with wondrous hebetude, things punishable by the laws unless custom be their patron—this showing them the more pitiable, in that they now do, as though it were licit, what by your eternal law will never be licit—and they suppose they do it with impunity, while by the very blindness of their doing they are punished and suffer incomparably worse things than they do.

ergo quos mores cum studerem meos esse nolui, eos cum docerem cogebar perpeti alienos. et ideo placebat ire ubi talia non fieri omnes qui noverant indicabant. verum autem tu, spes mea et portio mea in terra viventium, ad mutandum terrarum locum pro salute animae meae, et Carthagini stimulos quibus inde avellerer admovebas, et Romae inlecebras quibus attraherer proponebas mihi per homines qui diligunt vitam mortuam, hinc insana facientes, inde vana pollicentes, et ad corrigendos gressus meos utebaris occulte et illorum et mea perversitate.

Therefore the mores which, while I was studying, I was unwilling to be mine—these, when I was teaching, I was compelled to endure as alien, from others. And so it pleased me to go where all who knew indicated that such things did not occur. But indeed you, my hope and my portion in the land of the living, for the changing of my earthly place for the salvation of my soul—you applied goads in Carthage by which I might be torn away from there, and in Rome you set before me allurements by which I might be drawn, through men who love a dead life, on this side doing insane things, on that side promising vanities; and for the correcting of my steps you were secretly using both their perversity and my own.

nam et qui perturbabant otium meum foeda rabie caeci erant, et qui invitabant ad aliud terram sapiebant, ego autem, qui detestabar hic veram miseriam, illic falsam felicitatem appetebam.

for both those who were disturbing my leisure were blind with foul frenzy, and those who were inviting me to something else were savoring the earth; but I, who detested here the true misery, there was seeking after false felicity.

5.8.15

sed quare hinc abirem et illuc irem, tu sciebas, deus, nec indicabas mihi nec matri, quae me profectum atrociter planxit et usque ad mare secuta est. sed fefelli eam, violenter me tenentem ut aut revocaret aut mecum pergeret. et finxi me amicum nolle deserere donec vento facto navigaret, et mentitus sum matri, et illi matri.

but why I should depart from here and go there, you knew, God, and you indicated it neither to me nor to my mother, who bewailed my departure grievously and followed me even to the sea. But I deceived her, as she was holding me with force so as either to call me back or to go on with me. And I feigned that I was unwilling to desert a friend until, a wind having arisen, he would sail; and I lied to my mother—yes, to that mother.

et evasi, quia et hoc dimisisti mihi misericorditer servans me ab aquis maris, plenum exsecrandis sordibus usque ad aquam gratiae tuae, qua me abluto siccarentur flumina maternorum oculorum, quibus pro me cotidie tibi rigabat terram sub vultu suo. et tamen recusanti sine me redire vix persuasi ut in loco qui proximus nostrae navi erat, memoria beati Cypriani, maneret ea nocte. sed ea nocte clanculo ego profectus sum, illa autem non; mansit orando et flendo.

and I escaped, because you also forgave me this, mercifully keeping me from the waters of the sea, I being full of execrable filth, until the water of your grace, by which, once I had been washed, the rivers of my mother’s eyes would be dried, with which on my behalf she daily watered the earth before you beneath her face. And yet, as she refused to return without me, I scarcely persuaded her to remain that night at the place which was nearest to our ship, the memorial of blessed Cyprian. But that night I clandestinely set out, whereas she did not; she remained praying and weeping.

et quid a te petebat, deus meus, tantis lacrimis, nisi ut navigare me non sineres? sed tu alte consulens et exaudiens cardinem desiderii eius non curasti quod tunc petebat, ut me faceres quod semper petebat. flavit ventus et implevit vela nostra et litus subtraxit aspectibus nostris, in quo mane illa insaniebat dolore, et querellis et gemitu implebat aures tuas contemnentis ista, cum et me cupiditatibus meis raperes ad finiendas ipsas cupiditates et illius carnale desiderium iusto dolorum flagello vapularet.

and what was she asking from you, my God, with such tears, except that you not allow me to sail? but you, consulting from on high and hearkening to the hinge of her desire, did not regard what she then was asking, so that you might make me to be what she was always asking. the wind blew and filled our sails, and the shore withdrew from our sight; in the morning she was raving with grief, and with complaints and groaning she filled your ears—you who were despising these things—while you were also snatching me by my own cupidities to bring to an end those very cupidities, and her carnal desire was being beaten by the just scourge of pains.

amabat enim secum praesentiam meam more matrum, sed multis multo amplius, et nesciebat quid tu illi gaudiorum facturus esses de absentia mea. nesciebat, ideo flebat et eiulabat, atque illis cruciatibus arguebatur in ea reliquiarium Evae, cum gemitu quaerens quod cum gemitu pepererat. et tamen post accusationem fallaciarum et crudelitatis meae conversa rursus ad deprecandum te pro me abiit ad solita, et ego Romam.

for she loved to have my presence with her in the manner of mothers, but far more than many; and she did not know what joys you were going to make for her out of my absence. She did not know; therefore she wept and ululated, and by those cruciations there was evidenced in her the remnant of Eve, seeking with a groan what with a groan she had borne. And yet, after the accusation of my fallacies and cruelty, turned back again to beseech you for me, she went to her usual devotions, and I to Rome.

5.9.16

et ecce excipior ibi flagello aegritudinis corporalis, et ibam iam ad inferos portans omnia mala quae commiseram et in te et in me et in alios, multa et gravia super originalis peccati vinculum quo omnes in Adam morimur. non enim quicquam eorum mihi donaveras in Christo, nec solverat ille in cruce sua inimicitias quas tecum contraxeram peccatis meis. quomodo enim eas solveret in cruce phantasmatis, quod de illo credideram?

and behold, I am there met by the scourge of corporeal sickness, and I was already going to the lower regions, carrying all the evils which I had committed both against you and against myself and against others, many and grave, over and above the bond of original sin by which we all die in Adam. for you had granted me no remission of them in Christ, nor had he loosed on his cross the enmities which I had contracted with you by my sins. for how indeed could he loose them on the cross of a phantasm, which I had believed concerning him?

quam ergo falsa mihi videbatur mors carnis eius, tam vera erat animae meae, et quam vera erat mors carnis eius, tam falsa vita animae meae, quae id non credebat. et ingravescentibus febribus iam ibam et peribam. quo enim irem, si hinc tunc abirem, nisi in ignem atque tormenta digna factis meis in veritate ordinis tui?

Therefore, as false as the death of his flesh seemed to me, so true was it to my soul; and as true as the death of his flesh was, so false was the life of my soul, which did not believe it. And as the fevers were growing heavier, I was already going and perishing. For where would I go, if I were then to depart hence, except into fire and torments worthy of my deeds, in the truth of your order?

et hoc illa nesciebat et tamen pro me orabat absens; tu autem ubique praesens ubi erat exaudiebas eam, et ubi eram miserebaris mei, ut recuperarem salutem corporis adhuc insanus corde sacrilego. neque enim desiderabam in illo tanto periculo baptismum tuum, et melior eram puer, quo illum de materna pietate flagitavi, sicut iam recordatus atque confessus sum. sed in dedecus meum creveram et consilia medicinae tuae demens inridebam, qui non me sivisti talem bis mori.

and this she did not know, and yet she prayed for me while absent; but you, everywhere present, did hearken to her where she was, and where I was you had mercy on me, in order that I might recover the health of the body, still insane with a sacrilegious heart. For I did not desire, in that so great peril, your baptism, and I was better as a boy, when I demanded it out of maternal piety, as I have already recalled and confessed. But I had grown to my disgrace and, demented, I was deriding the counsels of your medicine—you who did not permit me thus to die twice.

quo vulnere si feriretur cor matris, numquam sanaretur. non enim satis eloquor quid erga me habebat animi, et quanto maiore sollicitudine me parturiebat spiritu quam carne pepererat.

By which wound, if my mother’s heart were smitten, it would never be healed. For I do not adequately express what mind she had toward me, and with how much greater solicitude she travailed with me in spirit than she had borne me in flesh.

5.9.17

non itaque video quomodo sanaretur, si mea talis illa mors transverberasset viscera dilectionis eius. et ubi essent tantae preces, et tam crebrae sine intermissione? nusquam nisi ad te. an vero tu, deus misericordiarum, sperneres cor contritum et humilatum viduae castae ac sobriae, frequentantis elemosynas, obsequentis atque servientis sanctis tuis, nullum diem praetermittentis oblationem ad altare tuum, bis die, mane et vespere, ad ecclesiam tuam sine ulla intermissione venientis, non ad vanas fabulas et aniles loquacitates, sed ut te audiret in tuis sermonibus et tu illam in suis orationibus?

I do not, therefore, see how she would have been healed, if such a death of mine had pierced through the bowels of her affection. And where would there be such prayers, and so frequent without intermission? Nowhere except to you. Or would you indeed, O God of mercies, spurn a contrite and humbled heart of a chaste and sober widow, frequenting almsdeeds, attending and serving your saints, omitting no day the oblation at your altar, coming twice in the day, morning and evening, to your church without any intermission, not for vain fables and old-womanly loquacities, but that she might hear you in your discourses, and you might hear her in her orations?

huiusne tu lacrimas, quibus non a te aurum et argentum petebat, nec aliquod nutabile aut volubile bonum, sed salutem animae filii sui, tu, cuius munere talis erat, contemneres et repelleres ab auxilio tuo? nequaquam, domine. immo vero aderas et exaudiebas et faciebas ordine quo praedestinaveras esse faciendum.

Would you spurn these her tears, with which she was asking from you neither gold nor silver, nor any mutable or volatile good, but the salvation of her son’s soul—you, by whose gift she was such—would you contemn her and repel her from your aid? By no means, Lord. Nay rather, you were present and you hearkened, and you were doing in the order in which you had predestined it to be done.

absit ut tu falleres eam in illis visionibus et responsis tuis, quae iam commemoravi et quae non commemoravi, quae illa fideli pectore tenebat et semper orans tamquam chirographa tua ingerebat tibi. dignaris enim, quoniam in saeculum misericordia tua, eis quibus omnia debita dimittis, etiam promissionibus debitor fieri.

Far be it that you should have deceived her in those visions and your responses, which I have already recounted and which I have not, which she kept in a faithful heart and, always praying, would present to you as though your handwritten bonds. For you deign—for your mercy is forever—to become even a debtor by promises to those to whom you remit all debts.

5.10.18

recreasti ergo me ab illa aegritudine et salvum fecisti filium ancillae tuae tunc interim corpore, ut esset cui salutem meliorem atque certiorem dares. et iungebar etiam tunc Romae falsis illis atque fallentibus sanctis, non enim tantum auditoribus eorum, quorum e numero erat etiam is in cuius domo aegrotaveram et convalueram, sed eis etiam quos electos vocant. adhuc enim mihi videbatur non esse nos qui peccamus, sed nescio quam aliam in nobis peccare naturam, et delectabat superbiam meam extra culpam esse et, cum aliquid mali fecissem, non confiteri me fecisse, ut sanares animam meam, quoniam peccabat tibi, sed excusare me amabam et accusare nescio quid aliud quod mecum esset et ego non essem.

you therefore refreshed me from that sickness and made safe the son of your handmaid then for the time being in body, so that there might be one to whom you could give a better and more certain salvation. and even then at Rome I was being joined to those false and deceiving “saints,” not only to their auditors—of whose number was also the man in whose house I had fallen ill and recovered—but also to those whom they call elect. for it still seemed to me that it is not we who sin, but I know not what other nature that sins in us; and it pleased my pride to be outside blame, and, when I had done anything evil, not to confess that I had done it, that you might heal my soul, since it was sinning against you, but I loved to excuse myself and to accuse I know not what other thing which was with me and yet was not myself.

verum autem totum ego eram et adversus me impietas mea me diviserat, et id erat peccatum insanabilius, quo me peccatorem non esse arbitrabar, et execrabilis iniquitas, te, deus omnipotens, te in me ad perniciem meam, quam me a te ad salutem malle superari. nondum ergo posueras custodiam ori meo et ostium continentiae circum labia mea, ut non declinaret cor meum in verba mala ad excusandas excusationes in peccatis cum hominibus operantibus iniquitatem, et ideo adhuc combinabam cum electis eorum, sed tamen iam desperans in ea falsa doctrina me posse proficere, eaque ipsa quibus, si nihil melius reperirem, contentus esse decreveram iam remissius neglegentiusque retinebam.

But in truth it was all myself, and my impiety had divided me against myself; and that was the more incurable sin, that I supposed myself not to be a sinner; and an execrable iniquity it was—to wish you, almighty God, you in me to be overcome unto my destruction, rather than that I be overcome by you unto salvation. Not yet, therefore, had you set a guard upon my mouth and a door of continence around my lips, so that my heart might not decline to evil words, to excuse excuses in sins, with men working iniquity; and thus I was still being conjoined with their Elect, yet already despairing that in that false doctrine I could make progress; and those very things with which, if I should find nothing better, I had resolved to be content, I now held more slackly and more negligently.

5.10.19

etenim suborta est etiam mihi cogitatio, prudentiores illos ceteris fuisse philosophos quos academicos appellant, quod de omnibus dubitandum esse censuerant nec aliquid veri ab homine comprehendi posse decreverant. ita enim et mihi liquido sensisse videbantur, ut vulgo habentur, etiam illorum intentionem nondum intellegenti. nec dissimulavi eundem hospitem meum reprimere a nimia fiducia quam sensi eum habere de rebus fabulosis quibus Manichaei libri pleni sunt.

For indeed there arose in me also a thought, that those philosophers whom they call Academics were more prudent than the others, because they had judged that one must doubt about all things and had decreed that nothing of the true can be comprehended by a human being. For thus they seemed to me also to have felt plainly, as they are commonly held, even though I did not yet understand their intention. Nor did I dissimulate to restrain that same host of mine from the excessive confidence which I sensed he had concerning the fabulous matters with which the books of the Manichaeans are full.

amicitia tamen eorum familiarius utebar quam ceterorum hominum qui in illa haeresi non fuissent. nec eam defendebam pristina animositate, sed tamen familiaritas eorum (plures enim eos Roma occultat) pigrius me faciebat aliud quaerere, praesertim desperantem in ecclesia tua, domine caeli et terrae, creator omnium visibilium et invisibilium, posse inveniri verum, unde me illi averterant, multumque mihi turpe videbatur credere figuram te habere humanae carnis et membrorum nostrorum liniamentis corporalibus terminari, et quoniam cum de deo meo cogitare vellem, cogitare nisi moles corporum non noveram (neque enim videbatur mihi esse quicquam quod tale non esset), ea maxima et prope sola causa erat inevitabilis erroris mei.

Nevertheless I used their friendship more intimately than that of other men who had not been in that heresy. Nor was I defending it with my former animosity, but nevertheless their familiarity (for Rome conceals many of them) made me more sluggish to seek something else, especially as I was despairing in your Church, O Lord of heaven and earth, creator of all visible and invisible things, that the truth could be found, from which they had turned me away; and it seemed to me very shameful to believe that you have the figure of human flesh and are bounded by the corporal lineaments of our members; and since, when I wished to think about my god, I knew how to think nothing except masses of bodies (for it did not seem to me that there was anything which was not such), this was the greatest and almost sole cause of my inevitable error.

5.10.20

hinc enim et mali substantiam quandam credebam esse talem et habere suam molem taetram et deformem et crassam, quam terram dicebant, sive tenuem atque subtilem, sicuti est aeris corpus, quam malignam mentem per illam terram repentem imaginantur. et quia deum bonum nullam malam naturam creasse qualiscumque me pietas credere cogebat, constituebam ex adverso sibi duas moles, utramque infinitam, sed malam angustius, bonam grandius, et ex hoc initio pestilentioso me cetera sacrilegia sequebantur. cum enim conaretur animus meus recurrere in catholicam fidem, repercutiebar, quia non erat catholica fides quam esse arbitrabar.

for hence too I used to believe that evil had a certain substance of such a kind and had its own mass, foul and deformed and gross, which they called earth; or else thin and subtle, just as the body of air is, which they imagine to be a malignant mind creeping through that earth. and because some manner of piety constrained me to believe that the good God had created no evil nature, I posited in opposition two masses, each infinite, but the evil narrower, the good larger; and from this pestilential beginning the other sacrileges followed me. for when my mind tried to run back into the catholic faith, I was driven back, because the catholic faith was not what I supposed it to be.

et magis pius mihi videbar, si te, deus meus, cui confitentur ex me miserationes tuae, vel ex ceteris partibus infinitum crederem, quamvis ex una, qua tibi moles mali opponebatur, cogerer finitum fateri, quam si ex omnibus partibus in corporis humani forma te opinarer finiri. et melius mihi videbar credere nullum malum te creasse (quod mihi nescienti non solum aliqua substantia sed etiam corporea videbatur, quia et mentem cogitare non noveram nisi eam subtile corpus esse, quod tamen per loci spatia diffunderetur) quam credere abs te esse qualem putabam naturam mali. ipsumque salvatorem nostrum, unigenitum tuum, tamquam de massa lucidissimae molis tuae porrectum ad nostram salutem ita putabam, ut aliud de illo non crederem nisi quod possem vanitate imaginari.

and I seemed more pious to myself, if I should believe you, my God, to whom your mercies are confessed by me, to be infinite at least from the other parts, although in one, in which a mass of evil was being opposed to you, I was compelled to confess you finite, than if I should suppose you to be bounded on all sides in the form of a human body. and I seemed to myself better to believe that you created no evil (which, to me ignorant, appeared not only some substance but even corporeal, since I did not know how to think the mind except to be a subtle body, which nevertheless would be diffused through the spaces of place) than to believe that there was from you such as I was thinking the nature of evil to be. and our very Savior, your Only-begotten, I supposed as if, from the mass of your most lucid bulk, stretched forth to our salvation, so that I would believe nothing else about him except what I could in vanity imagine.

talem itaque naturam eius nasci non posse de Maria virgine arbitrabar, nisi carni concerneretur. concerni autem et non inquinari non videbam, quod mihi tale figurabam. metuebam itaque credere in carne natum, ne credere cogerer ex carne inquinatum.

Accordingly I supposed that such a nature of his could not be born of the Virgin Mary unless it were mingled with flesh. But I did not see how it could be mingled and not be defiled, for I was fashioning it to myself as of such a sort. Therefore I feared to believe him born in flesh, lest I be compelled to believe him defiled by the flesh.

nunc spiritales tui blande et amanter ridebunt me, si has confessiones meas legerint, sed tamen talis eram.

Now your spiritual ones will gently and lovingly smile at me, if they read these my confessions; yet such was I.

5.11.21

deinde quae illi in scripturis tuis reprehenderant defendi posse non existimabam, sed aliquando sane cupiebam cum aliquo illorum librorum doctissimo conferre singula et experiri quid inde sentiret. iam enim Elpidii cuiusdam adversus eosdem manichaeos coram loquentis et disserentis sermones etiam apud Carthaginem movere me coeperant, cum talia de scripturis proferret quibus resisti non facile posset. et inbecilla mihi responsio videbatur istorum, quam quidem non facile palam promebant sed nobis secretius, cum dicerent scripturas novi testamenti falsatas fuisse a nescio quibus, qui Iudaeorum legem inserere christianae fidei voluerunt, atque ipsi incorrupta exemplaria nulla proferrent.

then the things which they had found fault with in your scriptures I did not think could be defended; yet at times indeed I longed to confer point by point with someone most learned in those books and to try what he would think thereof. for already the speeches of a certain Elpidius, speaking and arguing publicly against those same manichaeans, had begun to move me even at Carthage, when he brought forth such things from the scriptures as could not easily be resisted. and their reply seemed to me feeble—one which indeed they did not readily produce in public but said to us more secretly—when they claimed that the scriptures of the New Testament had been falsified by I‑know‑not‑whom, who wished to insert the law of the Jews into the Christian faith, while they themselves produced no uncorrupted exemplars.

sed me maxime captum et offocatum quodam modo deprimebant corporalia cogitantem moles illae, sub quibus anhelans in auram tuae veritatis liquidam et simplicem respirare non poteram.

but most of all those masses pressed me down, having in a way taken me captive and choked, as I was thinking in corporeal terms, under which, gasping, I could not breathe again into the limpid and simple breeze of your truth.

5.12.22

sedulo ergo agere coeperam, propter quod veneram, ut docerem Romae artem rhetoricam, et prius domi congregare aliquos quibus et per quos innotescere coeperam. et ecce cognosco alia Romae fieri, quae non patiebar in Africa. nam re vera illas eversiones a perditis adulescentibus ibi non fieri manifestatum est mihi: 'sed subito,' inquiunt, 'ne mercedem magistro reddant, conspirant multi adulescentes et transferunt se ad alium, desertores fidei et quibus prae pecuniae caritate iustitia vilis est.' oderat etiam istos cor meum, quamvis non perfecto odio.

Therefore I had begun to act diligently, for the sake of that for which I had come, to teach at Rome the art of rhetoric, and first to congregate at home some persons by whom and through whom I had begun to become known. And behold, I learn that other things are done in Rome which I did not tolerate in Africa. For in very truth it was made manifest to me that those overturnings by depraved adolescents do not occur there: 'but suddenly,' they say, 'lest they pay the fee to the master, many adolescents conspire and transfer themselves to another, deserters of fidelity, and to whom justice is cheap in comparison with love of money.' My heart too hated these men, though not with a perfect hatred.

quod enim ab eis passurus eram magis oderam fortasse quam eo quod cuilibet inlicita faciebant. certe tamen turpes sunt tales et fornicantur abs te amando volatica ludibria temporum et lucrum luteum, quod cum apprehenditur manum inquinat, et amplectendo mundum fugientem, contemnendo te manentem et revocantem et ignoscentem redeunti ad te meretrici animae humanae. et nunc tales odi pravos et distortos, quamvis eos corrigendos diligam, ut pecuniae doctrinam ipsam quam discunt praeferant, ei vero te deum veritatem et ubertatem certi boni et pacem castissimam.

For what I was going to suffer from them I perhaps hated more than that which they were doing illicitly to anyone whatsoever. Yet surely such men are base, and they fornicate away from you by loving the flitting mockeries of the times and the filthy (muddy) lucre, which, when it is grasped, stains the hand; and by embracing the fleeing world, while despising you who remain, who call back, and who pardon the human soul—harlot as she is—returning to you. And now I hate such men, crooked and contorted, though I love them as to be corrected, so that they may prefer to money the doctrine itself which they learn, and to that doctrine, indeed, you, God—the truth and the abundance of sure good and the most chaste peace.

sed tunc magis eos pati nolebam malos propter me, quam fieri propter te bonos volebam.

but then I was more unwilling to endure them wicked on account of me, than I was willing that they become good for your sake.

5.13.23

itaque posteaquam missum est a Mediolanio Romam ad praefectum urbis, ut illi civitati rhetoricae magister provideretur, impertita etiam evectione publica, ego ipse ambivi per eos ipsos manichaeis vanitatibus ebrios (quibus ut carerem ibam, sed utrique nesciebamus) ut dictione proposita me probatum praefectus tunc Symmachus mitteret. et veni Mediolanium ad Ambrosium episcopum, in optimis notum orbi terrae, pium cultorem tuum, cuius tunc eloquia strenue ministrabant adipem frumenti tui et laetitiam olei et sobriam vini ebrietatem populo tuo. ad eum autem ducebar abs te nesciens, ut per eum ad te sciens ducerer.

and so after it was sent from Milan to Rome to the prefect of the city, that a master of rhetoric be provided for that city, a public conveyance (evectio) having also been granted, I myself canvassed through those very men drunk with Manichaean vanities (from which I was going in order to be without them, but neither of us knew) that, a declamation having been proposed, the prefect then, Symmachus, would send me as approved. and I came to Milan to Bishop Ambrose, known to the world among the best, your pious worshiper, whose utterances at that time were vigorously ministering the fat of your grain and the gladness of oil and the sober drunkenness of wine to your people. but I was being led to him by you unknowing, that through him I might be led to you knowing.

suscepit me paterne ille homo dei et peregrinationem meam satis episcopaliter dilexit. et eum amare coepi, primo quidem non tamquam doctorem veri, quod in ecclesia tua prorsus desperabam, sed tamquam hominem benignum in me. et studiose audiebam disputantem in populo, non intentione qua debui, sed quasi explorans eius facundiam, utrum conveniret famae suae an maior minorve proflueret quam praedicabatur, et verbis eius suspendebar intentus, rerum autem incuriosus et contemptor adstabam. et delectabar suavitate sermonis, quamquam eruditioris, minus tamen hilarescentis atque mulcentis quam Fausti erat, quod attinet ad dicendi modum.

He received me paternally, that man of God, and loved my peregrination quite episcopally. And I began to love him, at first indeed not as a teacher of truth (which in your Church I utterly despaired of), but as a man benign toward me. And I zealously listened to him disputing among the people, not with the intention with which I ought, but as though exploring his eloquence, whether it agreed with his fame, or flowed forth greater or lesser than it was being proclaimed; and I was hung upon his words, intent, but I stood by incurious of the things and a contemner. And I was delighted by the sweetness of his discourse—although more erudite, yet less enlivening and soothing than Faustus’s was, so far as the manner of speaking is concerned.

ceterum rerum ipsarum nulla comparatio: nam ille per manichaeas fallacias aberrabat, ille autem saluberrime docebat salutem. sed longe est a peccatoribus salus, qualis ego tunc aderam, et tamen propinquabam sensim et nesciens.

However, of the things themselves there was no comparison: for the one was wandering through Manichaean fallacies, but the other was most salubriously teaching salvation. But salvation is far from sinners, such as I then was; and yet I was little by little drawing near, unknowing.

5.14.24

cum enim non satagerem discere quae dicebat, sed tantum quemadmodum dicebat audire (ea mihi quippe iam desperanti ad te viam patere homini inanis cura remanserat), veniebant in animum meum simul cum verbis quae diligebam res etiam quas neglegebam, neque enim ea dirimere poteram. et dum cor aperirem ad excipiendum quam diserte diceret, pariter intrabat et quam vere diceret, gradatim quidem. nam primo etiam ipsa defendi posse mihi iam coeperunt videri, et fidem catholicam, pro qua nihil posse dici adversus oppugnantes manichaeos putaveram, iam non impudenter adseri existimabam, maxime audito uno atque altero et saepius aenigmate soluto de scriptis veteribus, ubi, cum ad litteram acciperem, occidebar.

for since I was not exerting myself to learn what he was saying, but only to hear how he was saying it (for to me, indeed, a man already despairing that a way to you lay open, there remained a vain concern for this), there came into my mind, along with the words which I loved, the realities also which I was neglecting; for I could not separate them. And while I was opening my heart to receive how eloquently he spoke, there entered equally also how truly he spoke—gradually, to be sure. For at first even these very things began already to seem to me capable of being defended, and I began to judge that the Catholic faith, against which I had thought nothing could be said in reply to the assailing Manichaeans, was now not being asserted impudently—especially when, once and again and more often, an enigma from the ancient writings was unriddled, in places where, when I took it to the letter, I was being slain.

spiritaliter itaque plerisque illorum librorum locis expositis iam reprehendebam desperationem meam, illam dumtaxat qua credideram legem et prophetas detestantibus atque inridentibus resisti omnino non posse. nec tamen iam ideo mihi catholicam viam tenendam esse sentiebam, quia et ipsa poterat habere doctos adsertores suos, qui copiose et non absurde obiecta refellerent, nec ideo iam damnandum illud quod tenebam quia defensionis partes aequabantur. ita enim catholica non mihi victa videbatur, ut nondum etiam victrix appareret.

Spiritually, therefore, with many passages of those books expounded, I was now reproving my despair—namely that by which I had believed that it was altogether impossible to make resistance to those detesting and mocking the Law and the Prophets. Nor yet for that reason did I feel that the Catholic way had to be held by me, because it too could have learned assertors of its own, who copiously and not absurdly refuted the objections; nor therefore was that which I held already to be condemned, because the parts of the defense were being matched. For thus the Catholic cause did not seem to me defeated, in such wise that it did not yet even appear victorious.

5.14.25

tum vero fortiter intendi animum, si quo modo possem certis aliquibus documentis manichaeos convincere falsitatis. quod si possem spiritalem substantiam cogitare, statim machinamenta illa omnia solverentur et abicerentur ex animo meo: sed non poteram. verum tamen de ipso mundi huius corpore omnique natura quam sensus carnis attingeret multo probabiliora plerosque sensisse philosophos magis magisque considerans atque comparans iudicabam.

Then indeed I sturdily bent my mind, to see whether in any way I could convict the Manichaeans of falsity by some certain proofs. And if I could conceive a spiritual substance, at once all those machinations would be loosened and cast away from my mind; but I could not. Yet concerning the very body of this world and every nature which the sense of the flesh touches, as I considered and compared more and more, I judged that most philosophers had held things much more probable.

itaque academicorum more, sicut existimantur, dubitans de omnibus atque inter omnia fluctuans, manichaeos quidem relinquendos esse decrevi, non arbitrans eo ipso tempore dubitationis meae in illa secta mihi permanendum esse cui iam nonnullos philosophos praeponebam. quibus tamen philosophis, quod sine salutari nomine Christi essent, curationem languoris animae meae committere omnino recusabam. statui ergo tamdiu esse catechumenus in catholica ecclesia mihi a parentibus commendata, donec aliquid certi eluceret quo cursum dirigerem.

Therefore, in the manner of the Academics, as they are thought, doubting about all things and wavering among everything, I decided that the Manichaeans were to be abandoned, not thinking that at that very time of my doubt I must remain in that sect, to which I was already preferring some philosophers. Yet to these philosophers, because they were without the salutary name of Christ, I altogether refused to entrust the curation of the languor of my soul. I resolved, therefore, to be for so long a time a catechumen in the Catholic Church commended to me by my parents, until something certain should shine forth by which I might direct my course.

Submitted by James J. O'Donnell (Univ. of Pennsylvania) from his new edition. Prof.

O'Donnell's introduction and commentary may be found at the original site: The Confessions of Augustine: An Electronic Edition