Bebel: LIBER FACETIARUM BEBELIANARUM

Prognostica (quas vulgo practicas vocant) quae durant usque in finem mundi. Carmina adolescentiae Babelianae, non nihil etiam aliqua ad facetias facientia. Carmen elegiacum de miseria humanae conditionis.

Prognostics (which in the vulgar they call practicae) which endure even to the end of the world. Poems of Bebelian adolescence, contributing not a little also in some respects to facetiae. An elegiac poem on the misery of the human condition.

Carmen contra simoniacos. Carmen de Baccho. Carmen de Philomelae cantu et laudibus.

A poem against simoniacs. A poem about Bacchus. A poem about the song and praises of Philomela.

Carmen de conquerimonia puellarum contra Luciferum. Varia alia de rebus laetis et iucundis.

A poem about the complaint of maidens against Lucifer. Various other pieces on joyous and jocund matters.

Viro nobili et equiti aurato eminentissimoque iurisconsulto Vito de Furst Augustissimi Caesaris Maximiliani ad Iulium secundum pontificem maximum, aliosque reges christianos oratori, eiusdemque invictissimi Caesaris vicario, et gubernatori Mutinae, Heinricus Bebelius Iustingensis Suevus Salutem dicit.

To the noble man and Knight of the Golden Spur, and most eminent jurisconsult, Vito de Furst, orator of the most august Caesar Maximilian to Julius II, the supreme pontiff, and to other Christian kings, and vicar of the same most invincible Caesar, and governor of Modena, Heinrich Bebelius of Justingen, a Swabian, sends greeting.

Dum ad te scribo facetias meas Suevicas, Vite unicum familiae tuae, nobilitatis, litteratorum, nobiliumque Suevorum decus et ornamentum, possum ab imperitis intempestivitatis (ne dicam temeritatis) accusari, dum te virum in arduissimis christianae rei publ. causis et nogotiis occupatum, obtundam illis meris nugis et fabulis. Ego vero cum exploratum habeam multos annos te esse continuo versatum in legatione Caesaris ad Pontificem maximum, ceterosque Principes et Reges christianos, et ita versatum, ut cum summa honestate et gloria, functus sis officio tuo, ut utrique christianorum principi, ceterisque christianis principibus sis acceptus, atque carissimus.

While I write to you my Swabian facetiae, Vitus, the unique glory and ornament of your family, of nobility, of the litterati, and of the noble Swabians, I can be accused by the unskilled of untimeliness (not to say temerity), while I pester you—a man occupied in the most arduous causes and negotiations of the Christian commonwealth—with those mere trifles and tales. But I, for my part, since I have ascertained that for many years you have been continuously engaged in the embassy of the Caesar to the Supreme Pontiff and to the other Christian Princes and Kings, and engaged in such a way that, with the highest honesty and glory, you have discharged your office, that to both of the Christian princes, and to the other Christian princes, you are acceptable and most dear.

Exploratumque habeam te in dies nunc, et singulas fere horas decoqui, et occupari moderatione et regimie Mutinensis rei p. taceo cetera negotia Caesaris. ea de re motus, dicavi tibi has fabulas Suevicas, ut multorum dierum et horarum labores, curas, molestias, hac una unius horae voluptate, ridiculisque sedare valeas. Animus namque hominis laboriosus, lepidioris ioci delectatione remitti solet, atque salibus tamquam quodam pabulo refocillari.

And I have well ascertained that now from day to day, and almost every single hour, you are being boiled down and consumed, and are occupied with the moderation and regimen of the Modenese commonwealth; I am silent about the other affairs of the Caesar. Moved on that account, I have dedicated to you these Swabian tales, so that the labors, cares, and annoyances of many days and hours you may be able to soothe by this one pleasure of a single hour, and by laughter. For the laborious spirit of a man is wont to be remitted by the delectation of a more charming jest, and to be refreshed by sallies as by a certain fodder.

Tali vero consilio id sum aggressus. Cum enim plures viri prudentia, eruditione, morumque probitate insignes, me ad scribendas facetias sint cohortati, legerimque summos viros tam graecos quam latinos, iocis et salibus delectari consuetos, ut supra epistola ad Petrum Iacobi Arlunensem sum testatus, illorum exemplo ductus, illas meas tibi imprimis et potissimum dedicavi, quod sciam te non solum iuris et eloquen- tiae, verum etiam omnium honestarum artium consultissimum, omnisque humanitatis cultorem. Animatus etiam ad hoc singulariter consilio et incitamento Ernesti fratris tui germani omnium carissimi, mihique multos annos observati familiarissime.

By such counsel indeed I have undertaken this. For since several men distinguished for prudence, erudition, and probity of morals have encouraged me to write facetiae, and since I have read that the greatest men, both Greeks and Latins, were accustomed to take delight in jests and witticisms, as I have testified above in a letter to Peter, son of Jacob, of Arluno, led by their example I have dedicated those of mine to you first and foremost, because I know you to be most thoroughly versed not only in law and eloquence, but also in all honorable arts, and a cultivator of every humanity. I was also specially animated to this by the counsel and incitement of your own brother Ernest, most dear to all, and by me for many years most intimately esteemed.

qui ut tu in toga et pace, ita ipse foris, et armis militaribus omnes suos aequales et consortes praecellit longissime, ut periculum faciendo iam saepius declaravit. Tu igitur Vite virorum optime, accipias hilare, hilares Suevi tui urbanitates, et gentilibus iocis suum tempus, hoc est, cenam tuam exhilarato, cumquam nihil agere velis, lege, vel potius ride has ineptias. tibi enim soli, tuique similibus, hoc est, viris doctissimis, atque humanissimis illas scripsi.

who, as you excel in the toga and in peace, so he himself abroad and with military arms far surpasses all his equals and consorts, as by making trial he has already more than once declared. You therefore, Vite, best of men, receive cheerfully the cheerful urbanities of your Swabian, and with kindred jokes exhilarate their proper time, that is, your dinner; and whenever you wish to do nothing, read, or rather laugh at these ineptitudes. For to you alone, and to men like you, that is, to most learned and most humane men, I wrote them.

non illis qui plus probe loquuntur quam vivunt, plusque videri quam esse boni discupiunt. Quid enim de me sentiant tristes isti et superciliosi Catones, pallio tenus tantum sapientes et boni, manum non verterem. Tales enim plerumque sunt qui probitatem et castitatem in verbis fingentes, intus sunt lupi rapaces, atque incontinentissimi ganeones.

not for those who speak more uprightly than they live, and who desire more to seem than to be good. For what those gloomy and supercilious Catos may think of me—wise and good only up to the cloak—I would not turn my hand. For such men are for the most part those who, feigning probity and chastity in words, are inwardly rapacious wolves and the most incontinent revellers.

In quibus hominibus hoc tamen videri licet, ut cum in me, aliisque lusus, talesque fabellas damnent, ipsos cum hominibus convivantur, omnem ingenii vim intendere, ut faceti videantur, atque ut aliquid in medium afferant, quo risum a convivis captent. O quam mali iudices et iniqui, qui quod in me culpant, in se honestatem, bonique et hilaris convivae officium predicant. Sunt autem alii, qui incomptum et vulgare dicendi genus in his facetiis reprehendant.

In such men, however, this may be seen, that while they condemn in me and in others play, and such little tales, they themselves, when they banquet with people, direct all the force of their ingenuity, so that they may seem facetious, and that they may bring something into the middle, by which they may catch laughter from their fellow-diners. O how bad and unjust judges, who proclaim as honesty in themselves, and as the office of a good and cheerful table-companion, that which they blame in me. There are moreover others who censure an uncombed and vulgar kind of speaking in these witticisms.

quibus ego respondeo. fastidiosum esse imprimis dure, difficulterque scribere lusus et iocos, cum omnia ibi hilaritati, et urbanitati, non serio, aut difficultati servire debeant. aut quis cum delectatione et iocunditate legat, quae non facile intelligat?

to whom I reply: that it is fastidious, in the first place, to write about play and jokes harshly and with difficulty, since everything there ought to serve hilarity and urbanity, not seriousness or difficulty. Or who reads with delectation and jocundity what he does not easily understand?

aut quis tales res cum magno labore investiget? Sed rogo tales ut et ipsi componant simile aliquid, et tunc videbunt quam elingues et muti sint. Facile enim omnes possumus in aliis videre quid sit ineptum, quid absurdum, facile possumus trutinare quid aspere, quid leniter fluat, quid rustice, quid latine dicatur, sed dum ipsi nos cogimur sumere calamum, tum demum experimur, quam difficile sit boni scriptoris partes implere.

or who would investigate such things with great labor? But I ask such men to compose something similar themselves as well, and then they will see how tongue-tied and mute they are. For easily we all can see in others what is inept, what absurd; we can easily weigh what flows harshly and what smoothly, what is said rustically and what in Latin; but when we ourselves are compelled to take up the pen, then at last we experience how difficult it is to fulfill the role of a good writer.

tunc laborum nostrorum petimus commiserationem, tunc errorum veniam comprecamur. Verum nemo alteri paucos errores condonat, cum sibi innumeros laborum magnitudine existimat non esse computandos, quadam naturae malignitate tam indulgentes nobis, aliis tam severi iudices. quod contra fieri debuit, ut pulchre tradit Plinius Cecilius in epistola ad Geminium suum.

then we ask for commiseration of our labors, then we implore pardon of our errors. But truly no one condones for another a few errors, while for himself he esteems that innumerable ones, by reason of the magnitude of his labors, are not to be counted—by a certain malignity of nature so indulgent to ourselves, so severe judges toward others. The contrary ought to be done, as Pliny Caecilius beautifully hands down in a letter to his Geminius.

Vos postremo scioli, qui cum nihil sciatis, omnia vultis iudicare, et omnibus scriptis sine ingenio, sine eruditione detrahere. Vos inquam appello, scribite latinius et ordinatius dicteria et iocos, et ego libere vobis concedam. Sed credite non mediocre esse artificium, nec fieri posse sine singulari eruditione, ut iocos teutonicos in latinum convertatis cum venustate et gratia, servatoque facetiarum decoro.

Lastly, you smatterers, who, though you know nothing, wish to judge everything, and to run down all writings without ingenuity, without erudition—I address you, I say: write your quips and jokes more Latinly and more orderly, and I will freely concede to you. But believe that it is no mediocre craftsmanship, nor can it be done without singular erudition, to convert Teutonic jokes into Latin with charm and grace, and with the decorum of facetiae preserved.

sicut e contrario, doctissimis etiam viris magnum negotium exhibetur translatio de graeco vel latino in linguam nostram vernaculam, aut cuiuscumque linguae in extraneam conversio cum decoro venuste et eleganter. Sed quid mihi cum illis? Tibi Vite virorum doctissime, atque eminentissime has ineptias gentiles dedicavi.

just so, on the contrary, even for the most learned men a great undertaking is presented by the translation from Greek or Latin into our vernacular tongue, or the conversion of whatever language into a foreign one, with decorum, charmingly and elegantly. But what have I to do with them? To you, Vitus, most learned and most eminent of men, I have dedicated these pagan trifles.

in quibus invenies tamquam quandam meis temporibus rerum gestarum historiam nisi quod consulto multorum peperci nominibus. quas suo tempore legas. meque tibi commendatum habeto.

in which you will find, as it were, a certain history of deeds done in my times, except that, deliberately, I have spared the names of many. read them in their proper time. and hold me commended to you.

Vale ex Tubinga. IIII. Kales.

Farewell from Tübingen. 4. Kalends.

Mart. Anno domini M. D. XII. Anno vero Imperii Maximiliani Caesaris.

March. In the year of the Lord 1512. Indeed, in the year of the Empire of Maximilian Caesar.

xxvi.

26.

Ad lectorem Heinricus Bebelius.

To the reader Heinricus Bebelius.

Id moderamen habui hactenus in facetiis candide lector, ut abstinuerim ab his iocis, qui nimium lascive spurceque dici viderentur. In hoc libello paulo iucundiora interdum inserui, et quae imperitis videbuntur quandam prae se ferre lascivam, sed nihil etiam nunc acceptavi, quod non a gravibus viris in conviviis recitari audivi, et maiori ex parte apud matronas, quae res me movit, ut et nostris confabulationibus adiungerem. Velis ergo hanc mihi dare veniam, quam sumpsi ex auctoritate gravissimorum hominum.

I have hitherto kept this moderation in facetiae, candid reader, that I have abstained from those jests which might seem to be spoken too lasciviously and filthily. In this little book I have at times inserted things a little more agreeable, and which to the unskilled will seem to carry a certain lasciviousness on their face; yet I have admitted nothing even now which I have not heard recited by grave men at convivial gatherings, and for the most part in the presence of matrons, which fact moved me to append them also to our confabulations. Be willing, therefore, to grant me this indulgence, which I have assumed on the authority of the most weighty men.

A spurcis enim scriptis semper calamum meum retraxi. quod magis etiam facturus sum scriptis posterioribus. Vale amice.

For from sordid writings I have always drawn back my pen. which I will do even more in subsequent writings. Farewell, friend.

De quodam in tempestate deprehenso.

Concerning a certain man caught in a tempest.

Cum quidam in lacu potamio seu alemanno tempore maximae tempestatis deprehensi essent, omnibus aliis trepidantibus, quibusdamque confitentibus sibi invicem, unus eorum coepit avidissime comedere caseum et panem Aliis eum castigantibus, atque quo in periculo essent admonentibus, dixit. Non me latet quid rerum geratur, sed quoniam ieiunus bibere non possum, nunc comedo quod sim hodie plus bibiturus quam umquam fecerim in vita mea.

When certain men on the Bodamic, or Alemannic, lake had been overtaken at the time of a very great tempest, with all the others in trepidation, and some confessing to one another, one of them began most avidly to eat cheese and bread. As the others were castigating him and admonishing him in what peril they were, he said: I am not unaware of what is going on, but since fasting I cannot drink, I am now eating, because today I shall drink more than I have ever done in my life.

De quodam in adulterio deprehenso vera Historia.

On a certain man caught in adultery, a true History.

Quidam Tubingensis cum ad uxorem alterius clam noctu accessisset, venit et sacerdos ad eandem paulo post. quem ille fugiens ad superiorem partem domus in columbare se occultavit. Sed cum non longo tempore venisset maritus illius mulieris, sacerdos in fornacem confugit.

A certain man of Tübingen, when he had secretly at night approached another man’s wife, a priest also came to the same woman a little after. Fleeing from him, that man hid himself in the upper part of the house, in the dovecote. But when, not long after, the husband of that woman arrived, the priest took refuge in the furnace.

Cumque maritus nihil tale suspicatus, cum suspirio dixisset tres se aureos ludo amisisse, quis tibi reddet, inquit uxor. cui maritus. Superior, vel qui superius est.

And when the husband, suspecting nothing of the sort, had said with a sigh that he had lost three gold pieces at play, “Who will give them back to you?” said the wife. To this the husband: “The Superior, or the one who is above.”

intelligens deum. Cui Tubingensis e Columbari prosiliens dixit. Sacerdos in fornace det mediam partem, et ego reliquam dabo.

understanding “God.” To which the Tübingen man, leaping out of the dovecote, said: “Let the priest in the furnace give the half, and I will give the remainder.”

credens in se maritum fuisse locutum, et res ita inter eos convenit, illaesique abierunt.

believing that the husband had spoken about him, the matter was thus agreed between them, and they went away unharmed.

De quodam Lolhardo fideiussionem morituro praestante.

Concerning a certain Lollard furnishing surety for a man about to die.

Ioannes Apius mihi notus, cum in peste iam in mortis fere agone laboraret, affuit ei quidam frater Lolhardus silvestris, qui cum aegrotum admoneret uti viriliter pugnaret contra insidias diaboli, bonusque christianus in finem usque perseveraret, Respondit Apius. Nemini dubium esse quin legitime certare vellet ut christianum decet, seque mori paratissimum. Cui frater.

John Apius, known to me, when in the plague he was now laboring almost in the agony of death, there was present to him a certain Brother Lolhardus of the woods, who, when he was admonishing the sick man that he should fight manfully against the snares of the devil, and that, as a good Christian, he should persevere even unto the end, Apius replied: that it was doubtful to no one that he wished to contend lawfully, as befits a Christian, and that he was most ready to die. To whom the Brother [said].

Quoniam te honestum et fortem in vita fuisse ab omnibus praedicari audio, et nunc paratum voluntati divinae obsequi, promitto tibi et fideiussor esse volo, te confestim post mortem ad caelos ascensurum. Moritur Apius, frater quarto post die eodem morbo correptus, diu noctuque clamavit. O Api tu vis me ad vos afferre, ut tibi testimonium praebeam.

Since I hear from all that you have been honorable and brave in life, and now are ready to obey the divine will, I promise you, and I wish to be surety, that you will straightway after death ascend to the heavens. Apius dies; the brother, seized by the same disease on the fourth day after, cried out by day and by night: “O Api, do you wish me to bring myself to you (to you all), that I may furnish testimony for you?”

O miserandam fideiussionem quam deus vellet numquam fuisse factam, atque istam suam fideiussionem ad finem usque vitae semper vociferando et ululando detestatus est Obiit autem sexto die post illum.

O pitiable suretyship which God would have wished had never been made, and he detested that suretyship of his, always vociferating and howling to the very end of his life. He died, moreover, on the sixth day after him.

Ex favore beneficia conferuntur.

Benefits are conferred by favor.

Sum prius non iniuria conquistus officia et beneficia ecclesiastica maiori ex parte indoctissimis obvenire, et obtineri gratiis apostolicis, non sine scandalo publico, periculoque animarum non mediocri. Nunc possum iustissime lamentari idem fieri apud nostros principes. apud quos plus conferuntur beneficia favore quam meritis.

I have formerly, not unjustly, complained that ecclesiastical offices and benefices for the greater part fall to the most unlearned, and are obtained by apostolic favors, not without public scandal and with no small peril of souls. Now I can most justly lament that the same is done among our princes. among whom benefices are conferred more by favor than by merits.

plus suffragiis indoctorum amicorum quam morum eruditionisque pensitatione, adeo ut nulla fere habeatur hodie ratio doctrinae et eruditionis. Quod ideo nunc dico. Fuit nuper interrogatus vir eruditus, qua ratione id fieret, ut tot in dies asini beneficiis providerentur, et ipse nullum consequi posset?

more by the suffrages of unlearned friends than by a weighing of morals and erudition, to such a degree that almost no account is held today of doctrine and erudition. Which I therefore now say. A learned man was recently asked by what rationale it came about that so many asses were provided with benefices day by day, and he himself could obtain none?

Respondit indoctos invenire posse sui similes principes et alios patronos, unde amor mutuus nasceretur, se autem sui similes nullos tales. seque velle dediscere incipere, an favorem (quo omnia geruntur) consequi aliquando posset.

He answered that the unlearned can find princes and other patrons similar to themselves, whence mutual love would arise; but that he himself had no such people of his own kind; and that he wished to begin to unlearn, whether he might at some time obtain favor (by which all things are transacted).

De sacerdote Schellenberger Munderchingae.

On the priest Schellenberger of Munderching.

Ille sacerdos de quo superius etiam scripsi denunciavit quibusdam sanctimonialibus, earum sacerdotem qui erat in thermis ferinis graviter aegrotare, adeo ut medici de eius salute desperassent. Accinxerunt se itineri quaedam ex eis primariae ad eum visitandum, atque consolandum. sed cum venissent ad locum invenerunt eum incolumem et sanum, unde exacerbatae sacerdotem mendacii arguerunt, seque dolorum et anxietatum quibus essent non mediocriter conflictatae memores futuras.

That priest, about whom I also wrote above, announced to certain nuns that their priest who was at the Ferine baths was gravely ill, to such a degree that the physicians despaired of his recovery. Some of them, the foremost, girded themselves for the journey to visit and console him; but when they came to the place they found him unharmed and sound, whereupon, exacerbated, they charged the priest with mendacity, and said that they would be mindful of the pains and anxieties with which they had been by no means moderately afflicted.

quibus ille cachinno effuso respondit. O bonae sororculae debebatis scire nullam hic verbis meis fidem adhiberi.

to which he, with an outpouring of laughter, responded: O good little sisters, you ought to have known that here no credence is to be given to my words.

De molitore.

On the miller.

Ioannes Boschius sacerdos Stadianus cum molitorem mendicantem suis subditis commendaret, pro impertienda ei misericordia dixit. O christi fideles quod iste molitor probus sit, habetis optimum argumentum quod mendicet, alioqui furto, et solitis molitorum artibus se nutrisset, proinde sit vobis commendatus imprimis.

John Boschius, a priest of Stade, when he was commending a begging miller to his subjects, for mercy to be imparted to him, said: O faithful of Christ, that this miller is upright you have the best argument—that he begs; otherwise he would have nourished himself by theft and by the customary arts of millers; therefore let him be commended to you especially.

De confessione monialis.

On the confession of a nun.

Monialis confitendo sacerdoti, dixit inter cetera cucullo alieno se aliquando contexisse. Cui sacerdos. Hoc nihil nocet, sed quid latuit sub illo?

A nun, confessing to a priest, said among other things that she had at some time wrapped herself in another’s cowl. To whom the priest: This harms nothing, but what lay hidden beneath it?

Respondit ill. Monachus. Cui sacerdos.

She replied: The monk. To whom the priest.

cave posthac, inquit, ab istis vestibus, ne polluaris. omnium enim scelerum sordes hoc parvo tegmine absconduntur? Ad haec monialis.

“Beware hereafter,” he said, “of those garments, lest you be polluted. For are the filths of all crimes hidden beneath this small tegument?” To this, the nun.

Aethiops non denigrat aethiopem. Illi sacerdos succensus. maneas ergo meretrix ut ante.

An Ethiopian does not denigrate an Ethiopian. At her the priest was incensed. Therefore remain a prostitute as before.

Cui iterum Monialis. sed tu noli primum in me proicere lapidem.

To whom again the Nun. but you, do not be the first to cast a stone at me.

De confessione trium Monialium.

On the confession of three Nuns.

Tres moniales confitebantur cuidam sacerdoti. Prima dixit alienum in vaginam suam cultellum imposuisse. quod sacerdos non intellexit, nec etiam pensitavit.

Three nuns were confessing to a certain priest. The first said that someone else had placed a little knife into her sheath; which the priest did not understand, nor did he even consider it.

ob huiusmodi quarundam muliercularum superstitiones, quae res minimas pro peccato habent. Altera dixit duos se cultellos imposuisse suae vaginae. quod iterum neglexit.

on account of the superstitions of certain womenfolk of this sort, who hold the very smallest things as sin. Another said that she had put two little knives into her sheath; which again he neglected.

Tertia vero tres confessa est. Cui sacerdos Quid hoc nocet? Dixit illa.

The third indeed confessed three. To whom the priest: "What does this harm?" She said.

trium virorum se congressu usam. quod cum sacerdos iam primum intelligeret, priores duas, quas inscius absolverat, celerrime insequitur, atque acclamans dixit. Audite meretrices pessimae, non estis absolutae.

that she had engaged in congress with three men. And when the priest now for the first time understood this, he very swiftly pursues the first two, whom he had unwittingly absolved, and crying out he said: Hear, most wicked prostitutes, you are not absolved.

male enim narrastis. quoniam penis et cultellus non sunt idem.

for you have narrated badly; since a penis and a little knife are not the same.

De sacerdote loripede.

About the club-footed priest.

Sacerdotem quendam loripedem senaculum oppidi Cantharopolis intrantem, alius sacerdos salutavit. His verbis. Salvete (ut mos est loquendi nostris) iunior domine.

A certain club-footed priest, as he was entering the senate-house of the town Cantharopolis, was greeted by another priest. With these words. Greetings (as is the custom of speaking among our people), junior sir.

Cum autem incessisset is claudicans, ut solebat semper, erupit quidam praefectus pagi totus cachinno, Bene video, inquit, illum iuniorem esse vel potius infantem, cum iam primum incessum discat. Cui sacerdos festiviter. Sapientem te putassem ob caniciem, nisi sermo te prodidisset stultum et dicaculum.

When, however, he had come in limping, as he always was accustomed, a certain prefect of the district burst out in a loud guffaw: “I see well,” he said, “that he is the junior, or rather an infant, since just now for the first time he is learning his gait.” To him the priest, facetiously: “I would have thought you wise on account of your gray hair, had not your speech betrayed you as a fool and a quipster.”

Non dissimiliter Ioannes bittel sacerdos Riedlingensis in mulierem claudicantem nuper me praesente cavillatus est. Si mihi inquit, essent centum filii, nullum eorum incedere docerem quemadmodum illa mulier incedit. Praeterea nostri in claudos ita iocari solent.

Not dissimilarly, John Bittel, the priest of Riedlingen, recently, I being present, cavilled at a limping woman. “If I had,” he said, “a hundred sons, I would teach none of them to walk in the way that woman walks.” Furthermore, our people are accustomed thus to jest at the lame.

Illi non est hic patria, quia non ambulat more hic consueto. Similiter in strabones Hic est alienigena, non videt enim ut homines hic solent. Est autem nostris nunc creberrime in proverbio ut dicant alium contemnentes.

“He has no fatherland here, because he does not walk here in the customary manner.” Likewise against the cross‑eyed: “He is an alien, for he does not see as people here are wont.” And now among our people it is most frequent as a proverb to say so, contemning another.

ille est claudus sartor. vel dum aliquis credit se contemni, dicit. putasne me claudum sartorem?

that man is a lame tailor. or, when someone believes himself to be despised, he says: do you think me a lame tailor?

De quo olim carmen scripsi. quod ibi inserendum putavi ceteris iocis. Ad Ioannem Streler Ulmensem iurisconsultum.

About whom I once wrote a poem. which I thought was to be inserted there among the other jests. To John Streler of Ulm, jurisconsult.

Sat fuerat nimium o doctor celeberrime, Vatem.
Largiter et dapibus, et saturasse mero.
Ac vidisse satis tam multa poemata Vatum,
Tot sophiae tecum, conspicuosque libros.

It would have been enough—too much—O most celebrated doctor, the bard.
To have satiated him lavishly both with banquets and with unmixed wine;
And to have seen enough of so many poems of bards,
So many works of sophia with you, and distinguished books.

Insuper ostendis de quo proverbia tractant.
     Sartorem claudum, quemque videre iuvat.
Non ego sum dixi, si me contempseris usquam
     Non claudus sartor, decipere atque velis,
Si faciam, iuro, sim cunctis iure vocandus,
     O sartor claudus, si voluisse nego
Denique cum risu passim, pueri, atque puellae
     Sartorem claudum, nominitantque senes.

Moreover you point out what proverbs treat of.
     The lame tailor, whom everyone likes to see.
I said, I am not, if you should despise me anywhere
     A lame tailor, even if you should wish to deceive;
If I should do it, I swear, I ought by right to be called by all,
     O lame tailor, if I deny that I wished it.
Finally, with laughter everywhere, boys and girls,
     Call the lame tailor by name, and the old men keep on doing so.

In linguas hominum tamen hoc cur venerit inde
     Accipio, si non auguror ipse male
Ingenio tardo est, pedibus potius vel iniquis,
     Et gressum nescit legitimum in senio.
Hincque movetur et hinc, hominum nec more sueto,
     Gressibus obliquis itque reditque vias.
Doctior est multo servus doctoris Othonis.

Into the tongues of men, however, why this has come from there
     I accept, if I myself do not augur ill.
It has a tardy wit, or rather uneven feet,
     and in senility it does not know the legitimate gait.
And it is moved here and there, nor in the accustomed manner of men,
     with oblique steps it goes and goes back its ways.
Much more learned is the servant of Doctor Otho.

Qui iuvenis nondum lustra quaterna videt,
Immoto pede stans, prae cunctis visus acutus.
Atque cubile videt solis utrumque simul.
At neuter reor est nostris nutritus in oris.

The young man who has not yet seen four lustrums,
Standing with an unmoved foot, sharper-sighted than all.
And he sees both resting-places of the Sun at once.
But I suppose neither has been nurtured on our shores.

Non vadit nostro hic more, nec ille videt.

This one does not proceed according to our mores, nor does that one see.

De superbo adolescente.

On the proud adolescent.

Quidam adolescens gloriae cupidus convenit cum servo, ut de quacumque re apud amicam loqueretur, semper ipse servus rem exaggeraret, et cum esset cum puella, diceretque de censibus suis, semper servus triplicavit, cum vero alio tempore iterum convenirent amicam, et ipsa diceret. Videris mihi o amantissime paululum infirmus. Hoc color non integer, atque insolitus prodit.

A certain adolescent, desirous of glory, made an arrangement with his slave that, whatever matter he spoke of in the presence of his girlfriend, the slave should always exaggerate the thing; and when he was with the girl and would speak about his revenues, the slave always tripled them; but when at another time they again met the girlfriend, she herself said, “You seem to me, O most loving one, a little infirm. This color, not entire and unusual, betrays it.”

Dixit ille se pallidulum parumque infirmum. Ad hoc servus. merito es pallidissimus, quotidiana enim et incurabili valetudine laboras.

He said that he was a little pallid and somewhat infirm. To this the servant: deservedly you are the pallidest, for you labor under a quotidian and incurable infirmity.

Hoc dominus aegre tulit, servumque remotis arbitris acerbissime castigavit, quod ea apud amicam, de eo diceret, illi servus dixit. ita enim fieri debere existimavi, ut quicquid tu diceres, ego augerem.

This the master took hard, and, with the bystanders removed, he most bitterly castigated the slave, because he had said those things about him in the presence of the girlfriend; to him the slave said: For I supposed it ought to be done thus, that whatever you said, I would augment.

De quodam fulmine territo.

Concerning a certain man terrified by a thunderbolt.

Quidam in dolio balnei sedens, cum tonitrua maxime tonarent, dixit. O vos fulmina quid tumultus incipitis. Ite mihi in culum.

A certain man, sitting in a bath-tub, when the thunders were thundering most loudly, said. O you lightning-bolts, why do you begin a tumult. Go into my ass.

quod cum vix edixisset, venit fulmen prope eum sine laesione, quo fere consternatus, quod male habeas (inquit) deus, non scis iocum intelligere, ego enim ioco non serio dixi.

When he had scarcely uttered this, a lightning-bolt came near him without lesion, whereat he was almost consternated: “What ails you, god?” he said; “you do not know how to understand a joke; for I said it in jest, not in seriousness.”

De rustico in Derendinga deo necem imprecante.

Concerning a rustic at Derendinga imprecating death upon god.

Cum grandine magna ex parte uvae perissent, dixit quidam in corona rusticorum, sagarum id esse maleficum. ad quod omnes uno ore. O pereant morte pessima, natu autem inter eos maximus, dixit.

When, by hail, the grapes had for the most part perished, a certain man in a ring of rustics said that it was the malefice of witches. To which all with one voice. O may they perish with a most wicked death, however the eldest by birth among them, said.

opus potius esse dei. Ad quod alius prosiliens e medio. pereat et ipse inquit atque interficiatur.

that it was rather the work of God. To which another, leaping forth from the midst, said, “Let him himself perish and be slain.”

De quodam sacerdote carnifice.

On a certain priest, an executioner.

Quidam carnifex Francus venit in Boemiam ibique inter haereticos factus est sacerdos. Interrogatus vero aliquando ab eo cui notus erat, quomodo id fieret, ut ex tam sordido et turpi opificio esset nunc sacerdotio initiatus? Respondit.

A certain Frankish executioner came into Bohemia, and there among the heretics he was made a priest. Indeed, having at some time been asked by one to whom he was known how it came about that, from so sordid and disgraceful a craft, he was now initiated into the priesthood, he responded.

Qualis populus, talis sacerdos.

As the people, so the priest.

De ebrio.

On the Drunkard.

Quidam homo facetus cum diversis vini generibus se ingurgitasset, ita ut diutius continere non posset, dixit astantibus sodalibus ad vina bibita. Inite inter vos concordiam atque unionem (ut ita loquar) aut ego vos e fenestra praecipitabo.

A certain facetious man, when he had ingorged himself with diverse kinds of wine, such that he could no longer contain it, said, his companions standing by, to the wines he had drunk: Enter among yourselves concord and union (so to speak), or I will precipitate you out of the window.

De rusticis et lupo.

On the rustics and the wolf.

Rustici lupum vivum ceperunt, et quia infestissimi sunt illis, adeo ut vel in mortuos seviant, deliberaverunt de exquisitissimo supplicii genere, prosiliit unus in medium cui duae erant uxores, illique duas uxores dandas suasit, quod iureiurando nullum maius supplicium sciret, nec crederet etiam posse excogitari.

The rustics seized a live wolf, and since these are most infesting to them, to such a degree that they rage even against the dead, they deliberated about the most exquisite kind of punishment; one who had two wives leapt into the midst and urged that two wives be given to it, since on oath he knew of no greater punishment, nor did he believe that even any could be devised.

Fabula Brassicani.

The Fable of Brassicanus.

Calceolarius quidam cum uxorem suam fortasse adulteram olfecisset, nundinas se petiturum simulans, omnis calceos et perones in fasciculum (ut solent) colligavit. Qui cum abisset, non procul a pago pone sacellum quodam fascem abiecit a tergo atque dissolvit, calceosque in sacellum tuto reponens, in pannum quo calceos detulerat saxa involvit, et clam domum suam subintravit. interea uxor maritum abesse existimans, sacerdotem vocat ad se, ne sola domi pavida diversaretur.

A certain shoemaker, when he had perhaps scented out that his wife was adulterous, feigning that he was going to the market-day, gathered all the shoes and buskins into a little bundle (as they are wont). When he had gone off, not far from the village, behind a certain little chapel, he threw the bundle down behind him and untied it; and placing the shoes safely in the chapel, he wrapped stones in the cloth with which he had carried the shoes, and secretly slipped back into his house. Meanwhile the wife, supposing her husband to be away, calls the priest to her, lest she, fearful, should stay alone at home.

Cum vero is paululum cunctatus aedes intrasset, ac primum gradum scalarum uno pede conscendisset, Mulier in supremo gradu obvia, eum cur tam serus veniret increpuit? Respondit sacerdos. Hordea se in agro seminasse.

When indeed he, after delaying a little, had entered the house, and had set one foot upon the first step of the stairs, the Woman, meeting him on the top step, rebuked him: why was he coming so late? The priest replied. That he had sown barley in the field.

Cui illa, ubertatem deprecans ait, sublatis vestibus umbilico tenus. Faxit deus, non rariora vobis hordea in agro succrescant quam sint pili rimulae meae quam vides. At ille in imis scalis nudato et quidem longo pene respondit.

To him she, beseeching abundance, said, with her garments lifted up to the navel: “May God bring it to pass that the barley in your field may sprout no more sparsely than are the hairs of my little fissure which you see.” But he, on the lowest steps, with his penis bared—and indeed long—replied.

nec minores spicas faciat succrescere, quam sit haec mea quam vides clava. quod cum haec vir sub tegulis latitans audisset, saxa in eos praecipitans. non minore grandine inquit hunc hordeorum agrum quam haec mea saxa deus depopuletur et devastet.

nor let him cause the ears to grow up no smaller than this my club which you see. and when a man, hiding under the roof-tiles, had heard these things, casting stones down upon them, he said: may God depopulate and devastate this barley-field with hail no smaller than these my stones.

De confessione cuiusdam.

On the confession of a certain person.

Confessus est nuper quidam simplex homo. Ego do me reum in omnibus peccatis, quae peccavi a nativitate Christi usque in hanc diem. Cui sacerdos.

A certain simple man confessed recently. “I declare myself guilty in all the sins which I have sinned from the Nativity of Christ up to this day.” To whom the priest.

Habesne tot annos o fili? Ad hoc rusticus. etiam, cum et frater sit mihi tribus annis senior.

Do you have so many years, O son? To this, the rustic. yes indeed, since my brother too is three years older than me.

De medico. Georgius abbas Zvifuldensis.

On the physician. George, abbot of Zwiefalten.

Medicus venit ad quendam principem, seque omnis medicinae artificem esse egregium pollicetur. Cui princeps iocatus, Non recipio aliquem nisi xxx. homines prius occiderit, Ad hoc medicus.

A physician came to a certain prince, and promises that he himself is an excellent master of the whole art of medicine. To whom the prince, joking, I do not admit anyone unless he has first killed 30. men, To this the physician.

non longe abest. Nam xxix. bene nunc contumulavi.

not far off. For I have now well entombed 29.

Cui princeps. non es ergo mihi ideoneus medicus, timeo enim me. xxx. futurum.

To which the prince. you are therefore not a suitable physician for me, for I fear I shall be the 30th.

De moniali.

On the nun.

Monialis cum diurnalia (ut vocant) peccata, aqua benedicta deleat et ipsa tantum die cum viris peccasset, semel aqua se aspergens dixit, dele peccata mea, et summotis vestibus aspersit occultiores partes dicens summa cum vehementia, hic hic hic dele, nam hae peccarunt maxime.

A nun, who would blot out her diurnal (as they call them) sins with holy water, and who on that very day had sinned with men, once, sprinkling herself with water, said, blot out my sins; and, with her garments removed, she sprinkled the more hidden parts, saying with the utmost vehemence, here, here, here, blot them out, for these have sinned the most.

De confessione cuiusdam nobilis.

On the confession of a certain noble.

Nobilis quidam volens confiteri versavit in manu aureum nummum, quo sacerdotem donare voluit, hoc cum vidisset unus sacerdotum avidus pecuniae, accessit hominem, atque an confiteri velit interrogat, annuit ille. quem cum sacerdos post confessionem interrogaret, an paeniteret eum peccatorum, velletque abstinere in posterum a peccatis quantum humana fragilitas concederet, ut fit, recusavit nobilis obstinate, atque ita sine absolutione dimissus. Venit autem alter sacerdos, quem non minor auri sitis pressit, et nobilis confessionem audivit, sed cum nec paenitentem, nec in futurum abstinere volentem comperisset, nihilo minus tamen ut aureum acquireret, hominem absolvit in ea forma.

A certain nobleman, wishing to confess, kept turning a gold coin in his hand, with which he intended to donate to the priest; when one of the priests, avid for money, saw this, he approached the man and asked whether he wished to confess; he nodded assent. When the priest, after the confession, asked him whether he was penitent for his sins and would wish to abstain in future from sins as far as human fragility would allow, as happens, the nobleman obstinately refused, and so was dismissed without absolution. But another priest came, whom no lesser thirst for gold pressed, and he heard the nobleman’s confession; but when he discovered that he was neither penitent nor willing to abstain in future, nonetheless, in order to acquire the gold piece, he absolved the man in that form.

Dominus noster Iesus Christus te absolvat, si vult, et dimittat tibi peccata tua, quod ego non credo, et perducat te ad vitam aeternam, quod est impossibile, atque ita a nobili latinitatis ignaro aureum extorsit.

May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you, if he wills, and remit your sins—which I do not believe—and conduct you to eternal life—which is impossible—and thus from the nobleman, ignorant of Latinity, he extorted a gold coin.

De Veneto equite.

Of the Venetian knight.

Venetus insuetus, ac nescius equitare, cum commodatum equum calcaribus urgeret, equus coepit recalcitrare, exsiliendo, unde ille perterritus dixit. O sancte deus Tempestas est non tam in mari quam terra. credidit enim fluctibus et procellis equum agitari non secus ac naves in mari.

A Venetian, unaccustomed and ignorant of riding, when he was urging a loaned horse with spurs, the horse began to kick back, leaping; whence he, thoroughly terrified, said. O holy God, there is a Tempest not so much in the sea as on land. For he believed the horse was agitated by waves and squalls no differently than ships at sea.

De duobus fatuis.

On two fools.

Erant prope Zvifuldam monasterium duo fratres germani parum prudentes, qui semel confitentes, cum unus eorum absolutus esset a sacerdote, nec interrogatus an sciret orare. cum alter confiteretur, quaesivit sacerdos. Scis orationem dominicam.

There were near the monastery of Zvifulda two full brothers, not very prudent, who once were confessing. When one of them had been absolved by the priest, he was not asked whether he knew how to pray. When the other was confessing, the priest asked: Do you know the Lord’s Prayer?

Illo nesciente, inquit sacerdos. Prohibeo tibi sacram communionem, quoniam nescis orare. Ad quod ille Tamen frater meus a te absolutus etiam nescit.

He not knowing it, said the priest: I forbid you the sacred communion, since you do not know how to pray. To which he: Nevertheless my brother, absolved by you, also does not know.

Quare sacerdos motus dixit ad alterum fratrem. prohibeo et tibi corpus dominicum. unde ille indignabundus exivit delubrum, atque omnibus hominibus conquestus est, quod frater suus impius nomine Alexius, eum quominus corpus dominicum sumpsisset, impedivisset, dicens.

Wherefore the priest, moved, said to the other brother: “I also forbid to you the Lord’s body.” Whereupon he, indignant, went out of the shrine, and complained to all men that his impious brother, by the name Alexius, had hindered him from taking the Lord’s body, saying.

Si tamen expectasset donec sumpsissem. ex hoc enim credebat se felicem fuisse, si vel indigne sumpsisset.

If however he had waited until I had received it. from this indeed he believed that he would have been happy, if he had even received it unworthily.

De Osoribus eloquentiae, et illorum faceta elusio.

On the Haters of eloquence, and their witty mockery.

Eram nuper in convivio paganorum sacerdotum non procul ab alpibus patriis. ubi unus eorum omnia sibi arrogans me ei ignotum honorifice salutavit. atque ut eius verbis barbaris, quoniam elegantibus non studuisset, parcerem rogavit.

I was recently at a banquet of pagan priests not far from my native Alps. where one of them, arrogating everything to himself, greeted me, unknown to him, with honor. and he asked that I spare his barbarous words, since he had not studied elegant ones.

Ego apparatum istum ut missum faceret efflagitavi tandem ille hilarior factus ob Bacchi virtutem, qui paulum ei iam mentem et rationem sepeliverat, ut disputando suam eruditionem ostentaret, reverentiae est oblitus, quam exhibere solent ignotis prudentes, atque in haec mox verba prorupit. Domine Poeta, amplissima nunc est fama tua per Germaniam. sed ego non possum probare studium tuum, quia plus discis bene loqui et dicere quam vivere bene.

I pressed that he should dismiss that apparatus; at length he, made more cheerful on account of the virtue of Bacchus, which had now somewhat buried his mind and reason, in order by disputation to ostentate his erudition, forgot the reverence which the prudent are accustomed to exhibit to those unknown to them, and soon burst forth into these words: Sir Poet, your fame is now most ample through Germany. But I cannot approve your study, because you learn more to speak and to declaim well than to live well.

Ad quod ego subridens, licet pudore perfusus, non puto, dixi, me negligere ea quae ad bene beateque vivendum pertinent. Hic ille mihi. Sed relinque nunc eloquentiam saecularem, et simplicitatem sermonis apostolorum capesse.

To which I, smiling a little, though suffused with shame, said, I do not think that I neglect the things which pertain to living well and blessedly. Then he to me. But now leave secular eloquence, and take up the simplicity of the apostles’ discourse.

Huic ego. Sermo splendidus et ornatus non facit me peiorem, nec barbarus meliorem, testis est mihi Augustinus omnium christianorum doctissimus in pluribus locis, sed audi bone sacerdos. Argute et diserte loqui, sed male vivere, mors est.

To this I replied. A splendid and ornate speech does not make me worse, nor a barbarous one better; Augustine, the most learned of all Christians, is my witness in many places; but listen, good priest. To speak acutely and eloquently, but to live badly, is death.

Imperite vero et barbare loqui sub specie religionis, atque etiam male vivere, uti plurimi solent, plus est quam mors dicenda, et pessima mortium. Eorum enim vita, omnium perniciosissima est rei publicae christianae, qui verbis simplices sunt et casti, factis autem reprobi, incesti ac sardanapali. Sed quod apostolorum more locutionem tuam defendis, non accipio hanc in te excusationem.

But to speak unskilfully and barbarously under the appearance of religion, and also to live badly, as very many are wont to do, ought to be called more than death—and the worst of deaths. For the life of those is most pernicious to the Christian commonwealth who are in words simple and chaste, but in deeds reprobate, incestuous, and Sardanapali. But as to your defending your manner of speaking after the custom of the apostles, I do not accept this excuse in your case.

Si enim illorum sermonem imitari vis, imitare et illorum virtutes, vitaeque sanctimoniam. Ceterum ridiculum est, ut delicate et luxuriose vivens, de sola rusticitate, ac sermonis imperitia se iactet, quasi ideo sanctus sit, quia nihil scierit. Sed quomodo fit, dicebam, ut aliquando concludam, ut tu et tui similes perplurimi, tantopere insectemini eloquentiam et eloquentiae studiosos, et cum ipsi vultis habere orationem (quam non immerito collationem vulgo appellatis, quasi non vestro artificio, sed ex multorum libris et labore parum ornate, sed crude compilatam) omnibus viribus ingenii, totisque conatibus ad hoc aspiratis, ut habeamini eloquentes ut eleganter et venuste persuasisse predicemini, ut quadret in vos eloquentissimi Cypriani martyris dictum, ut sitis in publico accusatores, in occulto rei, in vosmet ipsos censores pariter et nocentes.

If you wish to imitate their discourse, imitate also their virtues and the sanctity of life. Moreover, it is ridiculous that, while living delicately and luxuriously, one should vaunt himself on mere rusticity and unskilledness of speech, as though for that reason he were holy, because he knew nothing. But how does it happen, I was saying, to bring this at last to a close, that you and very many like you so greatly assail eloquence and the lovers of eloquence, and yet you yourselves wish to have an oration (which you not without reason commonly call a collation, as if not by your own craft, but from the books and labor of many, compiled with little ornament, but crudely), and with all the forces of your wit and with every effort you aspire to this—that you may be held eloquent, that you may be proclaimed to have persuaded elegantly and charmingly—so that the saying of the most eloquent martyr Cyprian may fit you: that you are accusers in public, the accused in secret; toward your very selves at once censors and offenders.

damnatis intus, quod foris operamini. Sed bene est. erudite loqui nescitis, cum numquam didiceritis, vestra spe frustrati omnino.

you condemn inwardly what you practice outwardly. But it is well. you do not know how to speak eruditely, since you have never learned, altogether frustrated in your own hope.

De doctore.

On the teacher.

Cum Palatino Rheni equitavit ad venationem causa honoris quidam doctor ab illo observatus, qui cum calcaribus omnino careret, dixit princeps. Domine doctor ubi sunt calcaria tua? qui cum vidisset se carere, Credebam, inquit o princeps, mihi famulum ea induisse.

When with the Palatine of the Rhine he rode to the hunt for the sake of honor, a certain doctor, being observed by him—who, since he was entirely without spurs, the prince said: Lord Doctor, where are your spurs?—who, when he saw that he lacked them, said: I supposed, O prince, that my servant had put them on me.

De insigni mendacio.

On a notable lie.

Faber clavicularius quem superius fabrum mendaciorum dixi, narravit se semel tempore belli, credens suos subsecuturos, equitando ad cuiusdam oppidi portas penetrasse. et cum ad portas venisset, cataractam turre demissam, equum suum post ephippium discidisse, dimidiatumque reliquisse, atque se media parte equi ad forum usque oppidi equitasse, atque caedem non modicam peregisse. Sed cum retrocedere vellet, multitudine hostium obrutus, tum demum equum cecidisse, seque captum fuisse.

The locksmith, whom above I called the smith of lies, related that once in time of war, believing his own would follow after, by riding he had penetrated to the gates of a certain town. and when he had come to the gates, the portcullis having been let down from the tower, he cut his horse behind the saddle, and left it halved, and that he had ridden with the middle part of the horse all the way to the forum of the town, and had accomplished no small slaughter. But when he wished to retreat, overwhelmed by a multitude of enemies, then at last the horse fell, and he was taken captive.

De alio mendacio.

On another lie.

Alter cum in silva venationi indulgeret, vidit aprum silvestrem senio confectum, et caecum, ab alio iuniore duci, cauda illius ore arrepta. quod cum vidisset, intenta balista dixit se iuniorem excaudasse (ut ita loquar) a corporeque caudam penitus divulsisse, ut illa caeco in ore manserit, quam ipse postea arripuerit, atque caecum plus quam viginti milia passuum usque ad forum Stutgardianum duxerit.

Another, when in a forest he was indulging in the hunt, saw a wild boar worn out by senescence and blind, being led by another, younger one, its tail gripped in the blind one’s mouth. And when he had seen this, with his crossbow drawn he said he had “de-tailed” (so to speak) the younger, and had torn the tail completely from the body, so that it remained in the blind one’s mouth; which he himself afterward seized, and he led the blind one for more than 20,000 paces all the way to the Stuttgart forum.

De aedituo fabula.

A fable about the sacristan.

Erat aedituus cui nomen fuerat Omnis mundus, qui servierat monialibus quibusdam. et cum semel prurigine carnis vexaretur, accepit arundinem, atque illa per caminum horribili voce denuntiavit instar spiritus. O vos Moniales audite verbum domini.

There was a sacristan whose name had been Omnis Mundus, who had served certain nuns; and when once he was tormented by the itch of the flesh, he took a reed and, through the chimney, with a terrible voice he proclaimed in the likeness of a spirit: “O you Nuns, hear the word of the Lord.”

Sorores autem exterritae non respondebant quicquam aedituo. Postridiana nocte reveniente atque idem dicente, procidebant in facies suas sorores, Angelum de caelo esse ratae. Resumptis tandem animis surrexerunt, atque cantaverunt.

The sisters, however, terrified, made no reply at all to the sacristan. On the following night, when he returned and said the same thing, the sisters fell prone upon their faces, thinking it was an Angel from heaven. At length, their spirits regained, they rose and sang.

O angele dei dic nobis voluntatem domini. Hic aedituus rursus ex arundine cantavit. haec est voluntas domini ut Omnis mundus inclinet vel supponat (ut ita loquar) vos.

O angel of God, tell us the will of the Lord. Then the aedituus again sang through the reed: This is the will of the Lord, that Omnis mundus bow you down or subject you (so to speak).

Auditis his fluctuabant quid esset. Angelum enim ob id non credebant, quod eis ille non dictaret, ut omnibus hominibus se prostituerent, tandem matura deliberatione, concilioque habito exposuerunt mentem angeli, ita quod aedituus dictus nomine Omnis mundus, earum concubitu frueretur, an uspiam, ut augurabantur, episcopus vel summus pontifex nascendus veniret. Convocatoque aedituo atque in conclavi servato, accessit primum virgo maxima, quae et abbatissa dicitur, quae cum voci oboediens angeli, indulgentiam accepisset (ut ita loquar) exeundo cecinit.

Having heard these things, they wavered as to what it was. For they did not believe it to be an angel, because he (so they thought) dictated to them that they should prostitute themselves to all men; at length, after mature deliberation and a council having been held, they explained the mind of the angel thus: that the aedituus called by the name Omnis mundus should enjoy their concubitus, in case somewhere, as they augured, a bishop or a supreme pontiff-to-be might come to be born. And the aedituus having been summoned and kept in a chamber, first the greatest maiden approached, who is also called the abbess, who, when—obedient to the voice of the angel—she had received “indulgence” (so to speak), sang as she went out.

Laetata sum in his quae dicta sunt mihi. Accessit post hac quae secundum dignitatis gradum obtinebat, priorissa barbare dicta, ut ordo conditionum requirebat, quae execundo atque percepta indulgentia, iucunda voce depromebat canticum hoc. Te deum laudamus Tertia vero cantabat exiens.

I rejoiced in the things that were said to me. After this, she who held the second grade of dignity approached, called, in barbarous speech, the prioress, as the order of conditions required; and she, going out and, indulgence having been received, with a joyful voice brought forth this chant: Te deum laudamus. The third, in truth, was singing as she went out.

Laetabitur iustus in domino, Quarta vero, Gaudeamus omnes. Aedituus tandem consumptis atque fractis viribus dirupto conclavi exivit horribiliteque ululavit. Mihi autem nimis etc.

The just man will rejoice in the Lord, but the fourth, Let us all rejoice. At last the sacristan, his strength consumed and broken, with the chamber burst open, came out and howled horribly. But as for me, exceedingly, etc.

quem ceterae revocando inclamaverunt, et quis nos indulgentiarum participes faciet?

whom the others, calling him back, cried out to: “and who will make us participants in the indulgences?”

Facetia reverendi domini Georgii abbatis Zvifuldensis.

A witticism of the reverend lord George, abbot of Zwifalten.

Sacerdos quidam rusticis suis supplices preces et supplicationes circum agros frugiferos fieri solitas, non tamen ab ecclesia institutas, dissuasit. Et cum grando ingruisset illo anno, sacerdos anno postero dixit, hoc iterum die supplicationes suo consilio non habendas. nec prius ideo grandinem incubuisse, sed opus potius fuisse dei et naturae, dicens in haec verba, vuir vuollen got vertruvuen, hoc est, Volumus fiduciam nostram, in deum ponere.

A certain priest dissuaded his rustics from making the suppliant prayers and supplications around the fruit‑bearing fields which were accustomed to be done, yet not instituted by the Church. And when hail had burst upon them that year, the priest the following year said that on that same day again the supplications were not to be held by his counsel; nor had the hail on the earlier occasion therefore lain upon them for that reason, but rather it had been the work of God and of nature, saying in these words, “we wish to trust God,” that is, “We wish to place our confidence in God.”

Cui rusticus aliquis assurgens. nos nolumus, inquit, deo confidere sed supplicatum ibimus. ibi aedituus, parum edoctus.

To this a certain peasant, rising, says: “We do not wish,” says he, “to confide in God, but we will go to make supplication.” Thereupon the sacristan, little instructed.

ad sedandum sacerdotem dixit. Mitte, vadit quoniam vadit, hoc est. sinas ire rem quocumque ierit.

to pacify the priest he said: "Let it be; it goes since it goes—that is, allow the matter to go wherever it will go."

De vino adulterato.

On adulterated wine.

Ioannes bittel conviva meus Zvifuldae, cum ei vinum minus probum et integrum apposuisset caupo Martinus, Dixit. Segrega mihi vinum et aquam, et quodlibet seorsum appone, intelligens vinum aqua esse nimis adulteratum. Idem Caupone dicente, vinum esse Rhenense, bene dicis, inquit.

Ioannes Bittel, my table-companion at Zvifuldae, when the innkeeper Martin had apposed to him wine less honest and entire, He said. Segregate for me the wine and the water, and set each separately, understanding that the wine was too much adulterated with water. Likewise, with the Innkeeper saying the wine was Rhenish, You speak well, he said.

Est enim Rheno lotum, natavique per rhenum, volens nimis esse dilutum.

For it is washed in the Rhine, and has even swum through the Rhine, eager to be excessively diluted.

De eodem.

On the same.

Quidam in diversorio, a puellula aquam petivit ut vinum commisceret, quo vis eius reprimeretur. dixit puella ignara. Non est opus.

A certain man in a lodging-house asked a little girl for water, so that he might commix the wine, whereby its force might be repressed. said the ignorant girl. There is no need.

pater hesterna nocte totam hydriam infudit.

Father last night poured in a whole water-jar.

De eodem.

On the same.

Cum alius Caupo noctu in cellam vinariam magnam aquam anhelans portaret, videbat qui cum eo diversabatur, atque ignem esse tumultuarie denuntiavit, quo homines ad illum sedandum excitaret. Cui hospes. Cur ita clamas?

When another innkeeper, by night, was carrying, gasping, a great quantity of water into the wine-cellar, the one who was lodging with him saw it and tumultuously announced that there was a fire, in order to rouse people to quell it. To him the host: “Why do you shout so?”

Credebam, inquit ille, ignem esse in cellario, cum te ita aqua oneres, illudque crebro incursites.

I thought, said he, that there was a fire in the cellar, since you load yourself with water in this way, and make frequent incursions there.

De eodem.

On the same.

Cis Smichum flumen patriae meae villa est referens nomen illius amnis. Ibi erat quidam caupo suspectus etiam quod vinum suum aquatum duceret. unde quidam moti clam ei ignoranti in oenophorum seu vasculum quo eis vinum afferebat pisciculos imposuerunt, atque cum vitro vinum infunderet invenit caupo et videt pisciculos, atque ad convivas conversus.

On this side of the Smichus river, in my homeland there is a villa bearing the name of that stream. There there was a certain innkeeper, suspected also because he was serving his wine watered. Whereupon certain men, moved to act, secretly, he being unaware, placed little fishes into the wine-jar, or small vessel, in which he used to bring them wine; and when with a glass he was pouring the wine, the innkeeper discovers and sees the little fishes, and, turning to the guests,

Fateor profecto ingenue nimium aquae infudi vasis vinariis alioqui pisces non fuissent innati.

I confess indeed, ingenuously, that I poured too much water into the wine-vessels; otherwise the fishes would not have been born.

De mirabili baptismo cuiusdam sacerdotis.

On the marvelous baptism of a certain priest.

Sacerdos volens baptisare puerum, invenit inter cetera in libro, salta per tria, hoc est, id quod dicendum est invenies post tertium folium, sacerdos non intelligens, saltavit per baptisterium, ut ea dictione utar sicut vulgus solet. Ad hoc rustici, domine. quid hic facis?

A priest, wishing to baptize a boy, found among other things in the book, skip through three, that is, you will find what must be said after the third folio; the priest, not understanding, jumped through the baptistery, to use that expression as the vulgar are wont. At this the rustics, sir. what are you doing here?

nos numquam vidimus hactenus ita baptisare. Bene est, dixit sacerdos, reliqui verba non intellexerunt. postea legens, immerge intus, credebat merdandum in baptisterium, atque remotis arbitris merdavit in illud.

We have never until now seen people baptize in this way. “It is well,” said the priest; “the others did not understand the words.” Afterwards, reading “immerse within,” he believed it meant “to defecate” into the baptistery, and, with the witnesses removed, he defecated into it.

quod rusticus per rimas portarum videns, dixit ad sacerdotem, diabolus baptisare faciat suos pueros in isto baptismo, ego non faciam atque puerum sine baptismo abduxit.

which the rustic, seeing through the cracks of the doors, said to the priest, “Let the devil have his boys baptized in this baptism; I will not do it,” and he led the boy away without baptism.

De rustico.

On the rustic.

Rusticus in quodam spectaculo crucifixum agens, cum a Iudaeis male percussus esset, abiecta cruce. Diabolus, inquit, sit posthac deus, ego numquam ero. Sed cum semel pistor ageret, Iudaei illum probrosis dehonestabant verbis.

A peasant, in a certain spectacle, playing the crucified one, when he had been badly beaten by the Jews, threw away the cross. “Let the Devil be god hereafter,” he said, “I will never be.” But when once a baker was acting, the Jews were dishonoring him with opprobrious words.

quod cum patienter pertulisset, dixit alter ad eum. Fur farinae. Ad quod pistor, tace, aut ego te cruce in terram prosternam Veritas enim non patitur iocum, nec homines conscii sibi libenter audiunt cum veritate secum iocari.

When he had borne that patiently, another said to him, “Flour-thief.” To which the baker: “Be silent, or I will prostrate you to the ground with the cross. For Truth does not tolerate jest, nor do men conscious to themselves gladly hear the truth jesting with them.”

De fatuo ducis Austriae et Helvetiis.

On the fool of the Duke of Austria and the Helvetians.

Cum Leupoldus dux Austriae (qui est postmodum ab Helvetiis, (quos nunc Sviceros vocant, interfectus) de intranda helvetiorum terra in oppido Stockach (quod aegre munitum nostris temporibus et fortiter pertulit vim maximam helvetiorum) deliberaret cum suis purpuratis et primoribus de invadenda hostili terra, habebat et in delitiis fatuum seu morionem, quem interrogabat, quomodo placent tibi res nostrae? Male inquit fatuus. Omnes deliberatis enim de ingressu, sed nemo de exitu.

When Leopold, duke of Austria (who was afterwards by the Helvetians, (whom they now call the Switzers, slain) about entering the land of the Helvetians in the town of Stockach (which in our times, scarcely fortified, also bravely endured the very great force of the Helvetians) was deliberating with his purple-wearers and leading men about invading the hostile land, he also had among his delights a fool or morion, whom he asked, how do our affairs please you? Badly, said the fool. For you all are deliberating about the ingress, but no one about the egress.

Erat autem propheticum fatui dictum. stultius autem Sviceri, postea cum interfecto agebant. Cum enim apud eos esset sepultus, apud moniales regii campi, quotannis in eius anniversario sinebant sacerdotem ita ad plebem contionari.

But the fool’s saying was prophetic. More foolishly, however, the Switzers behaved afterwards with regard to the slain man. For when he had been buried among them, with the nuns of the royal field, each year on his anniversary they allowed a priest thus to address the people.

Orate propter deum pro duce Leupoldo duce Austriae, a suis, propter sua, et in suo patrimonio trucidato. Unde eorum flagitium, et iniustum factum, non obscure declaraverunt.

Pray for God’s sake for Duke Leopold, Duke of Austria, butchered by his own, on account of his own, and in his own patrimony. Whence they have, not obscurely, declared their scandalous crime and unjust deed.

De simplici rustica aegrotante.

On a simple rustic woman ailing.

Apud Vindelicos. quos ego nunc algeos voco, cum rustica aegrotans ab alpibus in suam paroetiam pro sacra eucharistia misisset, et interim priusquam sacerdos veniret convaluisset, venit sacerdos, unde absens illa quesita est, et apud vicinum quendam reperta. quae viso sacerdote exclamavit e fenestra vicini.

Among the Vindelici, whom I now call the Algeos, when a peasant woman, sick, had sent from the Alps into her own parish for the sacred Eucharist, and meanwhile, before the priest might come, had recovered, the priest came; whereupon she, being absent, was inquired after, and was found at a certain neighbor’s; who, on seeing the priest, cried out from the neighbor’s window.

Potes bene abire pater bone, deus sit benedictus. non est mihi nunc opus Christo, convalui enim. Sacerdos autem ne frustra tantum itineris confecisset, studuit eam ad sumptionem eucharistiae inducere, Cui mulier.

You can depart well, good father; may God be blessed. I have no need of Christ now, for I have recovered. The priest, however, lest he should have completed so great a journey in vain, strove to induce her to the reception of the Eucharist, to which the woman—

Quantum debeo tibi si sumpsero? Denarium Bohemicum respondit presbyter. Cui iterum rustica.

How much do I owe you if I take it? “A Bohemian denarius,” replied the presbyter. To whom again the countrywoman.

Constituas eam super mensam obiter, et si casu aliquis pauper homo opus habebit ea, ille emet.

Set it upon the table for the moment, and if by chance some poor man has need of it, he will buy it.

De simili.

On a similar matter.

Ego novi sacerdotem, qui fere ad quinque milia passuum cogebatur bis accedere quendam rusticum, ut eum sacramentis provideret, et semper interea dum ipse veniret, rusticus convaluit, et recusavit sacramenta. tandem sacerdos taedio itineris percitus, dixit ad infirmum Convalueris quomodocumque volueris, per deum oportet te sumere eucharistiam, atque ita coactus suscepit.

I know a priest who was compelled to go nearly five miles twice to a certain rustic, to provide him with the sacraments; and always meanwhile, before he arrived, the rustic recovered and refused the sacraments. At length the priest, stung by the tedium of the journey, said to the sick man: “Recover however you will; by God, you must take the Eucharist,” and so, compelled, he received it.

De Simia.

On the Ape.

Quidam doctor medicus Mediolani aegrotabat, ita ut de eius salute esset desperatum, quod famuli eius et famulae considerantes, quod quilibet potuit ad se diripuit. Hoc simia videns quae apud dominum erat (ut est simulatrix omnium rerum) accepto capitio quo insigni doctores utuntur, induit capiti, unde dominus in risum est effusus, atque convaluit.

A certain physician-doctor at Milan fell ill, such that hope for his health was despaired of; observing this, his male and female servants each snatched for himself whatever he could. The monkey, seeing this—which was with the master (as it is an imitator of all things)—took up the cap, the insignia which doctors use, and put it on its head; whereupon the master burst into laughter, and recovered.

De praedonibus pulchra altercatio, et sententia.

A beautiful altercation about robbers, and a sentence.

Apud veteres germanos, et praesertim Suevos (ut refert Iulius Caesar) praedari nobilibus non erat dedecori. qua unica re plus quam ulla alia barbariem ostentabant, cum vario alioqui virtutum genere fuerint conspicui (ut in epistola liminari ad cancellarium luculenter ostendi) nunc vero gratia dei praesertim nostra Suevia purgata est latronibus et praedonibus. Est tamem hodie provincia germaniae ubi etiam nunc nobiles citra infamiam volunt esse praedones, in ea autem provincia lis est orta inter duos natalibus insignes.

Among the ancient Germans, and especially the Suevi (as Julius Caesar reports), to plunder was not a disgrace to nobles; by this single thing more than by any other they displayed barbarism, although otherwise they had been conspicuous for a varied kind of virtues (as I have clearly shown in the liminary epistle to the chancellor). Now indeed, by the grace of God, our Suevia in particular has been purged of robbers and brigands. However, today there is a province of Germany where even now nobles wish, without infamy, to be brigands; and in that province, moreover, a suit has arisen between two men distinguished by birth.

quorum unus alterum furem criminabatur, quod ei non indicto bello gregem armentorum abegisset, alter iniuriam revocavit in animum, seque nihil alienum a probis moribus maiorum fecisse testatur. Res devenit ad arbitrum principem quendam. Ibi uterque sua cognatione frequenti, amicitia atque clientela, praesto fuit.

of whom one was accusing the other as a thief, because, without a war having been declared, he had driven off from him a herd of cattle; the other recalled the injury to mind, and testifies that he had done nothing alien to the upright morals of the ancestors. The matter came to an arbiter, a certain prince. There each, with his numerous kin, friendship, and clientage, was present.

Surrexitque prior furti criminatus, atque apud arbitrum summa instantia pro restitutione famae laborat, atque alterum ad revocationem deposcit, quia nihil fecerit nisi quod licitum fuerit semper in patria sua a maioribus suis usque in hunc diem habitum, quod nulli umquam in eadem causa irrogata fuerit infamia, atque in testes citat omnes qui affuerant frequentissimi, ita esse acceptum a patribus suis, ut numquam infame aut criminosum habitum sit dum aliquis adiuverit socium vel amicum, (dummodo legitime bellum indixerit) contra quemcumque. quod expressius ipsi dicunt, dum aliquis socio contra inimicum militanti servierit. Alter autem ita factum suum tuebatur, quod istum furem accusaverit.

And the one first, charged with theft, rose and with the utmost insistence pleads before the arbiter for the restitution of his reputation, and demands a revocation from the other, because he has done nothing except what has always been held licit in his own country by his ancestors down to this day, that to no one ever in the same cause has infamy been inflicted; and he summons as witnesses all who had been present in very great numbers, that it has been received from their fathers that it has never been held disgraceful or criminal so long as someone has helped a companion or friend, (provided that he has lawfully declared war) against whomever. Which they express more explicitly thus: so long as someone has served a comrade fighting against an enemy. The other, however, defended his deed thus: that he had accused this man as a thief.

non se iniuria fecisse, quod is fur iure habeatur qui alteri invito et nescienti, et quod improbius habeatur apud legum peritos, per vim res suas auferat nullo bello indicto, aut ut ipsi dicunt, fama sua non conservata, vel custodita, per indictionem belli Tandem post longas contentiones, tale ego audivi fuisse principis arbitrium seu sententiam. Neutrum se infamem velle declarare, atque utrumque bene dixisse. Primo enim more et instituto veterum et maiorum licuisse facere quod fecerit, nec sibi ipsi licere infringere penitus quod maioribus placuisset.

that he had not done injustice, because he is held a thief by right who, with the other unwilling and unknowing, and—what is held more improper among the experts of the laws—takes away his property by force with no war declared, or, as they themselves say, with his repute not preserved or guarded by the indiction of war. At length, after long contentions, such I heard was the prince’s arbitration or sentence: that he wished to declare neither infamous, and that each had spoken well. For, in the first place, by the custom and institution of the ancients and the elders it had been licit to do what he had done, nor was it licit for himself utterly to infringe what had pleased the ancestors.

Nec secundum male dixisse, quod in taliter repertum possit iure optimo et quidem Caesareo, ultimo supplicio animadverti.

Nor that the second had spoken wrongly, since one found in such a manner can, by the best right—and indeed by Caesarean law—be punished with the ultimate penalty.

De alio nobili.

On another nobleman.

Alius cum videret legationem Venetorum ad Maximilianum tam splendide, et magnifice quodam oppidum praeterire, dixit. O quam turpiter refrixit nunc omnis maiorum nostrorum virtus et fortitudo in nobilibus nostris, quod hi Veneti tot rebus pretiosis, et equis phaleratis per patriam nostram tuto ambulare debeant. an meis temporibus tam secure incessissent?

Another, when he saw the legation of the Venetians to Maximilian passing by a certain town so splendidly and magnificently, said: O how shamefully all the virtue and fortitude of our ancestors has now grown cold in our nobles, that these Venetians, with so many precious things and caparisoned horses, should be able to walk safely through our fatherland. Would they in my times have gone so securely?

Idem propterea quod filii sui cessarent a bellis et praedationibus, dixit esse homines nauci, nulliusque bonae frugis. Ego enim inquit, priusquam in iuventute mea omnino ab istis rebus abstinuissem, indixissem vel alicui abbati bellum.

The same man, because his sons were holding back from wars and predations, said that they were men of no account and of no good character. “For I,” said he, “before in my youth I had altogether abstained from those things, would have declared war even on some abbot.”

Cur Franci Christianissimi irrisio.

Why the Most Christian French are a laughingstock.

Cum liceat historico immo eius officium sit res gestas scribere cum veritate, etiam si odiosae sint, non putavi iocosis rebus non convenire res vere gestas (dum iocus insit) in medium afferre. Quod ideo nunc dicendum existimavi. scripsi ante aliquot dies, Regem et Caesarem Romanorum et eundem germanum iure dicendum christianissimum non Regem Franciae, vel solum.

Since it is permitted to the historian—indeed it is his office—to write deeds with verity, even if they are odious, I have not thought it unfitting, in jocose matters, to bring into the midst real deeds (provided a jest is present). For which reason I have judged this now to be said. a few days ago I wrote that the King and Caesar of the Romans, and the same man, a German, ought by right to be called Most Christian, not the King of France, or not he alone.

quod cum quidam legisset Burgundus, convenit me Aquisgrani, studiumque meum in patriam laudavit. Sed pace tua liceat dixisse, optime hospes inquit, non germani nostri, sed Franci sunt hodie christianissimi. Ego rugata fronte refragabar.

when a certain Burgundian had read that, he met me at Aachen, and praised my zeal for the fatherland. “But with your leave, let it be permitted to say,” said he, “most excellent host, not our Germans, but the Franks are today the most Christian.” I, with a furrowed brow, demurred.

Ille non contristeris dixit, sinasque tecum in re vera iocari. Ob id enim nostris christianissimi videntur, quia et his sancti et christiani divi in Brabantia et Hollandia militent. Causam sciscitanti, Hanc ait verissimam historiam tuis superioribus germanis apporta.

He said, Do not be downcast, and allow us truly to jest with you. For on that account ours seem the most Christian, because both saints and Christian divinities serve as soldiers in Brabant and Holland. When I asked the reason, he said, Carry this most truthful history to your elders among the Germans.

Dum nuper Anno domini. 1.5.0.7. Francigenae magnus numerus cataphractorum duce comite Armburgensi. suppetias tulissent duci Gheldrensi contra Caesarem Maximilianum et Burgundiones nostros, incursionibusque et praedationibus terram nostram invasissent, diripuerunt magnam praedam ex agris et sacris templis.

While recently, in the year of the Lord 1507, a great number of French cataphracts, under the leadership of the Count of Armburg, had brought succor to the Duke of Guelders against Emperor Maximilian and our Burgundians, and with incursions and depredations had invaded our land, they plundered great booty from the fields and from the sacred temples.

sed dum redire vellent in Franciam, magna pars eorum non procul a naumurco, a rusticis Brabantinis est intercepta, miserabiliterque trucidata, adeo ut rustici summa gloria, magnaque et copiosissima praeda onusti triumphantes domum redierint, et inter equos phaleratos, loricas deauratas, torques aureos, ceteramque praedam praetiosam, reperta sunt duo vasa vinaria calicibus aliisque vasis sacris plena, quae abstulerunt hinc inde fanis sacratissimis in Brabantia et Hollandia. Unde ego dixi inquit, divos et sanctos illis militare vel potius stipendiarios esse, beneque Cicero antiquitus dixit, tantum gallos contra deos pugnare, quantum alii pro diis consueverunt. Cui ego, bene est.

but when they wished to return into France, a great part of them, not far from Namur, was intercepted by Brabantine rustics and miserably butchered, to such a degree that the rustics, in highest glory and laden with great and most copious booty, returned home in triumph; and among caparisoned horses, gilded cuirasses, golden torques, and the rest of the precious booty, there were found two wine-vessels full of chalices and other sacred vessels, which they had carried off here and there from the most sacred shrines in Brabant and Holland. Whereupon he said, “I remarked that the gods and the saints serve as soldiers for them, or rather are their stipendary troops; and Cicero said well of old, that the Gauls fight against the gods as much as others have been accustomed to fight for the gods.” To which I: “Good.”

Acceperunt enim eandem mercedem, quam sui maiores cum olim delphos invaserunt. Franci tamen possunt dicere et merito, fuisse et nunc esse in terra Francia fures et latrones, atque illos non Francos, sed latrones fuisse.

For they received the same reward as their ancestors when once they invaded Delphi. The Franks, however, can say—and with merit—that there have been, and now are, in the land of France thieves and brigands, and that those were not Franks, but brigands.

Facetia, Christophori comitis Vuerdenbergensis.

A witticism, of Christopher, Count of Württemberg.

Apud moniales sanctae crucis, Iudaeus baptisatus qui se medicum gerebat, cuidam quem e pedibus laborantem curare debebat. clam fugiens equum furatus est. quem festivissime irridendo comes Christophorus dixit restitutum esse pedibus, propterea quia non amplius equo sed pedibus ire cogeretur, dum alioqui illi dicantur apud nos restituti pedibus qui ex valetudine aliqua surrexerunt, ireque iam possunt.

Among the nuns of the Holy Cross, a baptized Jew who was presenting himself as a medic had to treat a certain man who was suffering in his feet. Clandestinely fleeing, he stole a horse. Count Christophorus, most festively mocking, said that he had been “restored to his feet,” because he would be forced to go no longer by horse but on his feet; whereas among us those are called “restored to their feet” who have risen from some ill-health and now can go.

Ille autem non erat curatus in pedibus. sed illis ire cogebatur quod nunc equo careret.

However, he had not been cured in his feet. but he was compelled to go by them because he now lacked a horse.

De simplicibus rusticis et cancro.

On simple rustics and the crab.

Rustici Mundingenses (de quibus superius mentionem feci) dum casu in eorum solo cancrum invenissent. (nescio unde illuc quod terra ibi fluminibus careat delatum) quoniam retrogradus esset nesciverunt quale animal esset, convocataque per campanam tumultum significantem universa communitate diu inter se consultarunt quid esset? Tandem sarcinatorem qui olim artificii discendi gratia terras alienas peragraverat consuluerunt, qui sua opinione admirabundus, cervum aut columbam esse dicebat, sed cum minus satisfaceret, neque quisquam propius accedere auderet, admotis a longe tormentis, animal confecerunt, locumque illum latissime vallis et stipitibus circumvallaverunt, ne aliquis hominum aut pecorum eius contagione inficeretur.

The rustics of Mundingen (of whom I made mention above), when by chance they had found on their soil a crab (I know not whence it had been borne thither, since the land there is lacking in rivers), because it was retrograde they did not know what sort of animal it was, and the entire community, convened by a bell signifying a tumult, long consulted among themselves what it might be. At length they consulted a packer who once, for the sake of learning a craft, had traversed foreign lands, who, amazed in his own opinion, kept saying it was a stag or a dove; but since he gave less satisfaction, and no one dared to come nearer, having brought up engines from afar, they dispatched the animal; and they most widely enclosed that place with palings and stakes, lest any of the men or of the cattle be infected by its contagion.

De comite Roberto.

On Count Robert.

Dicebatur olim Robertum comitem Armburgensem hostem se pronuntiasse universo mundo, praeterquam deo et regi Franciae. Ad quod unus, cui ille notus erat e vestigio respondit. Nescio de deo, iustitiae tamen et aequitati iam diu omnium iudicio bellum indixit.

It was once said that Robert, Count of Armbourg, had pronounced himself an enemy to the whole world, except to God and the king of France. To this one man, to whom he was known, replied immediately: I do not know about God, yet by the judgment of all he has long since declared war on Justice and Equity.

De praeposito Elvuangensi.

Concerning the Provost of Ellwangen.

Praepositus Elvangensis familiae Rechbergensis cum olim a studio Papiensi abire vellet, misit ad magistratum illic aureum ducalem (quem ducatum vocant) pro scientia quam auferret, iussitque ita dicere. Se hunc plus ex benevolentia, et ut magnifice abiret, quam merito dare, se enim non tantum scientiae asportare, immo ultra dimidium iusti pretii deceptum esse, testatus est, si iure esset conventus.

The Provost of Elvangen, of the Rechberg family, when once he wished to depart from the Pavian Studium, sent to the magistrate there a ducal gold piece (which they call a ducat) for the knowledge he would carry off, and ordered it to be said thus: that he gives this more from benevolence, and that he might depart magnificently, than by merit; for he attested that he was not carrying away so much knowledge—nay rather, that he had been cheated beyond half the just price—if he were convened at law.

De vera nobilitate.

On true nobility.

Testatus sum in alio opere vanam esse et falsam eorum Germanorum ambitionem, qui suam nobilitatem ad Romanos referunt, quoniam nulla est in toto orbe sincerior et clarior nobilitas quam apud ipsos Germanos, nec fuit ab antiquissimis temporibus, usque in hunc diem, ut alibi latius et luculentissime probavi. quod propterea nunc dico. Fuit non longe a temporibus nostris quaedam controversia inter principem quendam et doctorem Nurenbergensem.

I have attested in another work that the ambition of those Germans who derive their nobility from the Romans is vain and false, since there is in the whole world no nobility more sincere and more illustrious than among the Germans themselves, nor has there been from the most ancient times down to this day, as elsewhere I have more broadly and most clearly proved. Which for this reason I now say. There was, not far from our times, a certain controversy between a certain prince and a Nuremberg doctor.

Princeps iactando suam nobilitatem dixit se esse de sanguine Troianorum et Romanorum. Cui doctor respondit. Ego sum de sanguine Nurenbergensium, qui quales sint satis notum est.

The prince, vaunting his nobility, said that he was of the blood of the Trojans and the Romans. To this the doctor replied. I am of the blood of the Nurembergers, of whom it is well enough known what sort they are.

Troiani vero qui fuerint et qualibus moribus est ignotum, sed constat Aeneam troianum fuisse proditorem, Romulumque latronem, qui fuerunt auctores Romanae propaginis.

The Trojans, indeed, who they were and of what manners is unknown, but it is established that Aeneas the Trojan was a traitor, and that Romulus a robber, who were the authors of the Roman progeny.

De indulgentiis.

On indulgences.

Indulgentiae apostolicae et quidem plenariae (ut ita loquar) ita passim nostris temporibus venduntur (ut loqui mos est rusticis) quia iam paene vilescat clavium et litterarum apostolicarum auctoritas. quam ob rem nuper quidam frater ordinis minorum Coloniae Agrippinae ita in illas invectus est. Audite O vos fideles animae, ego vobis aliquid novi dicam, et rem mirandam.

Apostolic indulgences, and indeed plenary ones (so to speak), are in our times thus everywhere sold (as rustics are wont to speak), because now the authority of the keys and of apostolic letters is almost cheapened. Wherefore recently a certain brother of the Order of Minors at Cologne (Agrippina) thus inveighed against them: Hear, O you faithful souls, I will tell you something new, and a marvelous thing.

hanc videlicet quod si nunc aliquis vestrum habuerit medium aureum, habebit et regnum caelorum per has indulgentias. si quis vero quartam partem aurei habuerit, habebit et partem eiusdem regni. qui vero nihil habuerit, erit diaboli.

namely this: that if now any one of you has a half aureus, he will also have the kingdom of heaven through these indulgences. But if anyone has a fourth part of an aureus, he will also have a part of the same kingdom. But he who has nothing will be the devil’s.

Nonne res nova, quod sine pecuniis non sit locus felicitati. Male nobiscum agitur qui sumus minores reformati.

Is it not a novel thing, that without monies there is no place for felicity? Things go ill with us who are the Reformed Minors.

De ambitione sacerdotum et episcoporum.

On the ambition of priests and bishops.

Abbas Fuldensis triginta equis armatis, et ipse loricatus cum Ulmam intraret una cum cardinale Bernardino, Dixit cardinalis. O domine abbas an tot equis et quidem instructis sanctus Benedictus ordinis vestri auctor equitaverit? Cui abbas.

The Abbot of Fulda, with thirty armed horsemen, and he himself mail-clad, when he was entering Ulm together with Cardinal Bernardino, the cardinal said. O lord Abbot, did Saint Benedict, the author of your order, ride with so many horses, and indeed equipped ones? To whom the abbot.

O reverendissime pater an cardinales sancti Petri tot mulabus phaleratis, sellis deauratis, frenisque sericis, tantoque et tam splendido apparatu ceterisque id genus luxuriae incesserint? unde mutua talione statum ecclesiasticum a sanctitate et frugalitate ad corruptos mores summamque luxuriam prolapsum esse declaraverunt.

O most reverend father, have the cardinals of Saint Peter gone with so many caparisoned mules, gilded saddles, and silken bridles, and with so great and so splendid an apparatus, and other luxuries of that kind? whence, by mutual talion, they declared that the ecclesiastical estate has fallen from sanctity and frugality into corrupt morals and extreme luxury.

Factum cuiusdam Francigenae.

The deed of a certain Frenchman.

Quidam Francigena (ut est genus hominum fallax et versutum) in civitate Papiensi a quodam cive centum aureos mutuo accepit, oppignerando ei aureum torquem atque illius uxorem accedens, dixit. hos accipe centum, atque unam noctem voluntati meae obsequaris, mulier praedae dulcedine capta. (cum sit nummus optimum expugnandae pudicitiae instrumentum) consensit.

A certain Frenchman (as that race of men is deceitful and wily), in the city of Pavia, received on loan from a certain citizen one hundred gold coins, by pledging to him a golden torque; and approaching that man’s wife, he said. Take these hundred, and for one night comply with my will, the woman, captured by the sweetness of the spoil. (since coin is the best instrument for storming chastity) she consented.

Francus postridie expleta libidine virum accessit, suum torquem exegit, quoniam aureos omnes uxori illius reddiderit, quae conventa non potuit negare, frustraque Franco fuit obsequiosa.

The Frank, on the next day, his lust satisfied, approached the husband and demanded his torque back, since he had returned all the aurei to that man’s wife, who, when confronted, could not deny it; and it was in vain that she had been obsequious to the Frank.

De Argentinensibus.

On the people of Strasbourg.

Argentinenses miserunt Oratores suos ad Heinricum septimum Imperatorem Romanum, pro oboedientia privilegiisque suis confirmandis, dicentes ad Imperatorem. Domini nostri Argentinenses etc. sed ter ita dicentes sunt repulsi tandem admoniti ab aliquo, venerunt ad illum dicentes.

The Strasbourgers sent their Orators (envoys) to Henry VII, the Roman Emperor, to have their obedience and privileges confirmed, saying to the Emperor: “Our lords, the Strasbourgers, etc.” But saying thus they were repulsed thrice; at length, admonished by someone, they came to him saying:

Cives et subditi tui O Caesar Argentinenses. etc. Tunc Caesar admisit eos dicens.

Your citizens and subjects, O Caesar, the people of Strasbourg, etc. Then Caesar admitted them, saying.

Nesciebam qui essent isti domini, sed cives et subditos nostros Argentinenses bene noscimus.

I did not know who those lords were, but we know well our citizens and subjects of Strasbourg.

De sacerdote.

On the priest.

Quidam sacerdos in perversos subditorum mores sermocinatus, tandem enumeratis eorum sceleribus dixit Fideiussor esse volo vos omnes esse diaboli mancipia. Cui rusticus aliorum praefectus. Bene est inquit qoniam fideiusseris, numquam te fideiussione tua liberabimus.

A certain priest, having sermonized about the perverse morals of his subjects, at length, their crimes having been enumerated, said, “I wish to be a surety that you all are the devil’s bond-slaves.” To this a rustic, the overseer of the others, says, “It is well, since you have stood surety, we will never release you from your suretyship.”

De puella devirginata.

On the devirginated girl.

Puella confitens suam se virginitatem profanasse, acerbissime multisque verbis a sacerdote castigatur, atque quot et quantis virgines in caelis coronentur coronis edocetur. Cum autem tam nobile, firmum et pretiosum castrum seramque pudicitiae sua culpa apertam accusaretur, tandem taedio affecta correctionis dixit. Non tam firmam seram fuisse uti ipse affirmet, quam quilibet rusticus sui pagi aperire posset atque aperuisset.

A girl, confessing that she had profaned her virginity, is most bitterly and with many words castigated by the priest, and is instructed how many and how great crowns virgins are crowned with in the heavens. But when she was accused that so noble, firm, and precious a fortress and bolt of chastity had been opened through her fault, at length, wearied by the correction, she said: The bolt was not so firm as he himself affirms, since any rustic of her village could open it—and did open it.

Cur pulices plus mulieres quam viros infestent.

Why fleas infest women more than men.

Sutor quidam in insula Lemanni sive Potami lacus Facetiarum egregius artifex, dixit ad nobiles matronas quae causa esset cur pulices plus mulieres infestarent quam viros? Illis autem ignorantibus, atque enixe illam scire cupientibus, tandem promissis victus dixit. quoniam postquam cibo essent exsaturati, etiam flumen et aquam haberent apud illas, quibus et sitim extinguerent.

A certain cobbler, on an island of the Lake of Leman, or Potamus, an excellent artificer of facetiae, said to some noble matrons what the cause was why fleas infested women more than men? But as they did not know, and earnestly desired to know it, at last, overcome by promises, he said: because after they had been stuffed full with food, they also had a river and water with the women, by which they might likewise quench their thirst.

Dixit una illarum, se numquam sensisse illos ibi aquatum ire. Ad hoc ille. hoc ideo est quia non turmatim accedunt, alludens ad amplitudinem fluminis.

One of those women said that she had never sensed them going there to draw water. To this he replied: this is for that reason, because they do not approach in troops, alluding to the amplitude of the river.

Qui sint nimium audaces.

Who are excessively audacious.

Qui dominum suum circa solenia divi Martini non timuerint, quando scilicet tributa apud nos exsolvi consueverunt. Item qui lupum in Ianuario. qui rusticum in carnisprivio.

Those who have not feared their lord around the solemnities of St. Martin, when namely tributes are accustomed among us to be paid. Likewise those who see the wolf in January. those who see the peasant at Shrovetide.

et sacerdotem in ieiunio, quando confitendum est, illi nimium audaces sunt.

and the priest in the fast, when it is time to confess, those are excessively audacious.

Qui sint insignes fatui.

Who are notable fools.

Fidelis amator puellarum. probus lusor. et misericors miles seu militans, nimium stulti dicuntur.

Faithful lover of maidens. upright player. and a merciful soldier or one in military service, are called exceedingly foolish.

De Iudaeo.

On the Jew.

Iudaeus iocatus cum quodam Christiano, percussit illum in maxillam, atque ut alteram praeberet ex evangelica doctrina admonuit Christianus vero eum ad terram prostravit, multisque verberibus affecit. Cui Iudaeus. hoc non facis ex evangelio.

A Jew, jesting with a certain Christian, struck him on the cheek, and, from evangelical doctrine, admonished him to offer the other. But the Christian, for his part, threw him to the ground and dealt him many blows. To whom the Jew: “This is not from the Gospel.”

Ad hoc christianus. Ego feci ex glossa. Proh ait Iudaeus, Glossa vestra, ut video, multo durior est quam textus (ut ita loquar) et difficilior etiam quam legislator ipse.

To this the Christian: I acted from the gloss. Alas, says the Jew, your Gloss, as I see, is much harsher than the text (so to speak), and even more difficult than the legislator himself.

De quodam aegrotante.

Concerning a certain sick man.

Quidam in Riedlinga cis Danubium aegrotabat, et a sorore Begutta multis verbis admonitus, ut divinis sacramentis provideretur, semper repugnavit, timens se eo citius moriturum. Quod cum sensisset soror, dixit. Vanam et ineptam eius esse opinionem, quoniam deus hominem quocumque in loco atque conditione esset, facile inveniret.

A certain man at Riedlinga on this side of the Danube was sick, and, though admonished with many words by his sister Begutta that provision be made for the divine sacraments, he always resisted, fearing that he would die all the sooner on that account. When his sister perceived this, she said that his opinion was vain and inept, since God would easily find a man in whatever place and condition he might be.

tandem persuasit hominem ut diceret se velle confiteri, unde soror laetata illico sacerdotem accessit, atque ut fratrem suum sacramentis provisurus maturaret. Interea dum sacerdos accelerat, occultavit se infirmus post fascem stramineum ita ut nemo eum invenire posset. Et cum sacerdos abiisset, prosiliit infirmus rursus in medium, atque sororem mendacii accusans dixit.

At length she persuaded the man to say that he wished to confess; whereupon the sister, gladdened, immediately went to the priest and urged that he hasten to provide her brother with the sacraments. Meanwhile, while the priest was hurrying, the infirm man concealed himself behind a bundle of straw, so that no one could find him. And when the priest had gone away, the infirm man sprang forth again into the open, and, accusing his sister of lying, said.

ho ho he, dixisti, quia deus possit hominem ubique locorum invenire, et ego delitui tantum post stramina, sed non potuit me una cum sacerdote, et aliis hominibus invenire.

ho ho, hey, you said that God can find a man anywhere, and I hid only behind the straw, but he, together with the priest and the other men, could not find me.

De quodam abbate.

Of a certain abbot.

Quidam abbas cum cellarius deesset dixit ad fratres suos. Quem ego eligam ex numero isto stultorum. Cui unus ex grege.

A certain abbot, since the cellarer was lacking, said to his brothers. Whom am I to choose from this number of fools. To whom one from the flock.

Nonne abbatem ante invenimus ex istis stultis? intelligens et abbatem esse fatuum.

Did we not before find an abbot from among these fools? understanding that the abbot also was fatuous.

De quodam suspenso.

Concerning a certain hanged man.

Quidam faber ahenarius Basileae suspensus erat. et alter nescius rei cum ad forum Basiliense intempesta nocte maturaret, et nimia festinatione clausas adhuc portas suspicaretur, coepit sub arbore non procul a patibulo quiescere. Non autem multo post tempore venerunt alii, et ipsi ad forum properantes.

A certain bronze-smith at Basel had been hanged. And another, unaware of the matter, as he was hurrying to the Basel forum at the dead of night, and, in his excessive haste, supposed the gates were still closed, began to rest under a tree not far from the gallows. Not much later others came, they too hastening to the forum.

qui patibulum intuentes atque suspensum cognoscentes, illum inclamaverunt, si vellet ut secum ad forum iret. quibus verbis ille excitatus (quem dixi primum quiescere coepisse sub arbore) Expectate o boni socii clamat, ego veniam. unde illi mortuum loqui existimantes, adeo extimuerunt ut celerrima fuga paene exanimarentur.

who, looking upon the gibbet and recognizing the hanged man, shouted to him, asking if he wished to go with them to the forum. At these words he was roused (the one whom I said had first begun to rest under the tree) and cries, “Wait, O good companions, I will come.” Whereupon they, supposing a dead man to be speaking, were so terrified that by a most rapid flight they were almost breathless.

Ille vero semper secutus. Manete inquit rogo. Ego vobiscum ibo, et quanto plus clamavit secutusque est, tanto magis illi festinarunt.

He indeed kept following continually. “Stay,” he says, “I beg. I will go with you,” and the more he shouted and followed, the more they hastened.

adeo ut semianimes tandem ante portas urbis reperirentur, atque non nisi longo demum tempore sanitatem pristinam ex longa consternatione receperunt.

so much so that at length they were found half-dead before the city gates, and only after a long time did they recover their pristine sanity from their long consternation.

De alio suspenso.

On another hanged man.

Quaedam sororculae Beguttae cum hominem furcis addictum pro consolatione accederent, interrogatae ab illo quae essent, filias se dei esse responderunt. Dixit ille. Accedite precor propius et consumemus matrimonium, lascivis tamen verbis, dum tam divitem socerum habeamus.

Certain little Beguine sisters, when they approached for consolation a man assigned to the forks (gallows), being asked by him who they were, answered that they were daughters of God. He said. Come nearer, I pray, and let us consummate marriage, in lascivious words, since we have so rich a father-in-law.

De quodam confitente se monialem cognovisse.

Of a certain man confessing that he had known a nun.

Quidam confessus est monialem se cognovisse. A cuius infando amore sacerdos illum dehortari conatus, dixit moniales esse mortuas mundo et soli deo esse sacras, servireque debere. Ad quod ille.

A certain man confessed that he had known a nun. The priest, trying to dissuade him from that unspeakable love, said that nuns are dead to the world and are consecrated to God alone, and ought to serve. To which he [replied].

non est ita inquit pater bone illam enim sic sese exagitasse, ut viventi simillima fuerit. nec solius esse dei, quippe quae profestis ad minus diebus etiam hominum servitio manciparentur.

“It is not so,” he says, “good father; for she so bestirred herself that she was most like one alive. Nor are they God’s alone, since on profane days at least they are even made over to the service of men.”

De monacho.

On the monk.

Monachus quidam quaesitus quamdiu fuisset in ordine suo. dixit. Quadraginta annos.

A certain monk, asked how long he had been in his order. said. Forty years.

at ordo in me non fuit ad annum.

but the order was not within me for even a year.

De alio.

About another.

Alius ex ordine mendicantium cum venisset ad Argentuariam ab externis regionibus, essetque praefectus aliis et prior (ut ita louqar) coepit ex monasterio publice alere meretricem, in eius enim forsan patria lacivius monastici viri vivebant. quod ceteri aegre ferentes, quia inde quaestui suo detraheretur publicam alere cum prohiberent, dixit ille. Deberem ego esse prior et non futuere?

Another man from the order of mendicants, when he had come to Argentuaria from foreign regions, and was set over others and prior (so to speak), began publicly to maintain a prostitute out of the monastery; for perhaps in his own homeland monastic men lived more lasciviously. The others, taking this badly—because thereby their own profit would be diminished—when they forbade him to maintain a public woman, he said: Ought I to be prior and not fuck?

non faciam, atque direpta non modica pecunia abiit.

I will not do so, and, a not small sum of money having been plundered, he departed.

Quare indoctis meliora beneficia conferantur.

Why better benefices are conferred upon the unlearned.

Cum nuper in convivio quidam esset conquestus quod pinguiora beneficia indoctis conferantur, nec uspiam locus sit litteratis, respondit alter, non incongrue. Nam et vilioribus asinis et pusillis maxima onera imponuntur, egregiis vero caballis levissimi adolescentes, ne premantur a gravioribus.

When recently at a convivium someone had complained that the fatter benefices are conferred upon the unlearned, and that there is nowhere any place for the lettered, another replied, not incongruously. For upon the viler and puny asses the greatest burdens are imposed, but upon excellent horses the lightest adolescents, lest they be pressed by heavier ones.

De quodam mercatore.

On a certain merchant.

Quidam Francofurdiae ferrum empturus dixit ad venditorem se nihil cuiquam debere, neque quicquam hactenus nisi prompta pecunia emisse. Nunc tamem se petere ut ille sibi ferrum ad aliquem terminum, ut dicitur, hoc est ad praescriptum diem venderet. Cui venditor.

A certain man at Frankfurt, about to purchase iron, said to the vendor that he owed nothing to anyone, and that he had hitherto bought nothing except with ready money. Now, however, he was requesting that he sell him iron on some term, as they say—that is, for a prescribed day. To whom the vendor.

Ego nihil tibi (inquit) sine parata pecunia dabo. propterea quod aut nullam fidem habeas, quoniam mercatores non semper pecuniam habent. aut quod nihil sis hactenus mercatus.

I will give you nothing (says he) without ready money. for this reason: either that you have no credit, since merchants do not always have money. or that you have hitherto purchased nothing.

aut tam dives es ut non opus habeas aliquo temino, proinde non exspectabo.

or you are so rich that you have no need of any term; accordingly I will not wait.

De homine quodam docto.

On a certain learned man.

Doctus quidam homo et mihi notissimus, de cuius gestis plura dicenda essent quam ullius alterius, propterea quia praeter cetera incredibilia et infinita, in cartusiam. cui addixisset se miro ingenio meretricem olim etiam monialem, clam introduxerit, diuque apud se retinuerit. miro artificio subter mensam occultatam, sed quam tandem ex nidore cuiusdam animalis assi prodiderit, eam potissimum ob causam quod venisset iam in magnam suspicionem quia omnia esculenta et poculenta ad usque fundum semper exhaurire consueverit.

A certain learned man, very well known to me, about whose deeds more would have to be said than of any other, for this reason that, besides other incredible and infinite things, into the Charterhouse to which he had dedicated himself he had, by marvelous ingenuity, once even introduced secretly a courtesan—formerly a nun—and kept her with him for a long time, hidden beneath the table by a marvelous contrivance; but at length he betrayed her by the odor of a certain roasted animal, especially for this reason, that he had already come into great suspicion because he was accustomed always to exhaust all edibles and potables down to the very bottom.

cum qua tandem expulsus erat, multaque regna perlustravit. Is inquam doctor, cum admoneretur a quodam viro egregio, ne tam aperte mentiretur, quod inde eius famae, eruditioni, fideique non modicum detraheretur. Non faciam inquit.

with whom at last he had been expelled, and he traversed many kingdoms. That doctor, I say, when he was being admonished by a certain distinguished man not to lie so openly, since thereby no small amount would be detracted from his reputation, erudition, and faith, said: I will not do it.

Nam ad minus quinque amnis cogerer frustra verum dicere antequam diluerem mendaciorum maculam, iamdiu contractam. In his annis malo liber eem in loquendo, nescio enim quamdiu vivam. quia si brevi mors mihi incumberet, frustra fuissem servus veritatis.

For at least five years I would be compelled to tell the truth in vain before I could dilute the stain of lies, long since contracted. In these years I prefer to be free in speaking; for I do not know how long I shall live. For if death should soon encumber me, I would in vain have been a servant of truth.

De astutia mulierum.

On the astuteness of women.

Quaedam mulier dilexit iuvenem, quem cum congrue convenire non posset, nec auderet alloqui, hac calliditate usa est. Confessa est monacho cuidam, cui iuvenis vicinus erat, ita habes pater bone vicinum iuvenem nominando eum, qui frequenter oberrat aedes meas, meque cupide inspiciendo infamiam ut timere licet mihi afferet. Cui rogo suadeas, ut istos suos gressus moderetur, per hoc enim sperabat monachum suis istis verbis iuvenem primum incitaturum ad sui amorem.

A certain woman loved a young man; since she could not suitably come together with him, nor did she dare to address him, she used this cunning. She confessed to a certain monk, to whom the young man was a neighbor, in this way: You have, good father, a neighboring youth—naming him—who frequently wanders about my house, and by eagerly looking upon me will, as I may fear, bring infamy upon me. I ask you to persuade him to moderate those steps of his; for by this she hoped that the monk, by these her words, would first incite the young man to love of herself.

Monachus autem bene pollicitus est atque rem egit cum iuvene. qui nihil sibi conscius intellexit mulieris technas, non tamen prosequitur rem. Mulier secundo cingulum aliaque ornamenta ex auro muliebria comparat, atque monachum accedit, conquerendo de rebus sibi a iuvene condonatis, atque ut illi res suas restituat.

The monk, moreover, promised well and transacted the matter with the young man; who, conscious of no guilt in himself, understood the woman’s stratagems, yet does not prosecute the affair. The woman, a second time, procures a girdle and other womanly ornaments of gold, and approaches the monk, complaining about the things that had been bestowed on her by the youth, and asking that he restore his own property to him.

rogat. frater cum summa acerbitate et castigatione defert iuveni res suas ut credebat. Nec longe post cum maritus mulieris peregre esset profectus, rursum convenit monachum dicitque iuvenem per arborem propinquam domui suae pridie noctu in cubile suum ascendisse.

she asks. the brother, with the greatest bitterness and castigation, reports the matter to the young man, as he believed. Nor long after, when the woman’s husband had set out abroad, she again meets the monk and says that the young man, by means of a tree near her house, the day before at night climbed into her bed.

Unde monachus magis exasperatus, dedit iuveni modum quo tandem ad mulierem pervenit, seque ignarus gessit copulatorem illorum amoris.

Whence the monk, more exasperated, gave the youth a means by which he at last reached the woman, and, unwitting, he conducted himself as the coupler of their love.

De sacerdote plures liberos habente Vuolfgangus Richardus.

Wolfgang Richard, On a priest having several children.

Cum sacellani in oppido fontis blaui in aedibus paroeciani convivarentur, essetque mensa multis crateribus argenteis strata, coeperunt alter alterius paupertatem exprobare, praesertim unus pauperculum quendam sacerdotem, cur et ipse non tot crateras haberet interrogat? Cui ille ira excandescens, Si mihi tot essent inquit crateres quot liberi, haberem nunc octo, atque ita veritatem incautus prodidit.

When the chaplains in the town of the blue spring were feasting in the house of a parishioner, and the table was spread with many silver bowls, they began to reproach one another’s poverty, especially one man a certain rather poor priest, asking why he too did not have so many bowls? To this he, blazing with anger, said, “If I had as many bowls as children, I would now have eight,” and thus incautiously betrayed the truth.

De sancto Martino quidam ineptus sacerdos.

Of Saint Martin, a certain inept priest.

Contionabatur quidam sacerdos de meritis divi Martini, quomodo postquam is media hieme in summo frigore tunicam suam disciderit atque cuidam mendico impertiverit, Christum dixisse ad illum. Domine Martine, si huius ego tibi beneficii obliviscar, auferat me diabolus ad inferos.

A certain priest was preaching about the merits of Saint Martin, how, after he, in midwinter in the utmost cold, had torn his tunic and imparted it to a certain beggar, Christ had said to him: “Lord Martin, if I should forget this benefaction to you, may the devil carry me off to the infernal regions.”

Alius contionator.

Another preacher.

Quidam alius contionatus est. dum Adam primum recusaret de pomo edere, Evam cum indignatione dixisse, Comedas de pomo hoc, aut ego a te abiens in turpissimum aliquod lupanar intrabo. cum adhuc nullum in terra esset.

A certain other preached. While Adam at first was refusing to eat of the apple, Eve, with indignation, said, “Eat of this apple, or I, departing from you, will enter some most shameful brothel.” Although as yet there was none on the earth.

De Udalrico comite Vuirtenbergensi principis nostri avo.

About Ulrich, Count of Württemberg, our prince’s grandfather.

Comes Udalricus cum quidam rusticanus sacerdos in alpibus nostris Venatores eius egregie tractaret. Voluit adhuc illi aliud beneficium conferre, cum prius haberet paroeciam. Recusavit sacerdos (quod raro fit) dicens pro his bonis consumendis quae tunc haberet in suo beneficio, cogi sese ad medium noctis usque saepe sedere, quod sia adhuc aliud habiturus esset, dies atque noctes vigilandum esse, ut omnia consumeret.

Count Ulrich, when a certain rustic priest in our Alps was treating his hunters most excellently, wished furthermore to confer on him another benefice, although he already held a parish. The priest refused (which rarely happens), saying that, in order to consume these goods which he then had in his benefice, he was compelled often to sit until the middle of the night; that if he were going to have yet another, by days and nights he would have to keep vigil, so that he might consume everything.

Plura in passione domini mentita quam vera.

More feigned than true in the passion of the lord.

Nuper quidam callide delusit rusticos, dicens. Multo plura in passione Christi mentita quam vera. quod rustici aegre acceperunt, illumque tormentis ad revocationem reducere statuerunt, donec eorum stultitiam deludendo dixerit.

Recently a certain man cunningly deluded some rustics, saying. “Far more things in the Passion of Christ were feigned than true.” Which the rustics took badly, and they resolved to bring him back to a recantation by tortures, until, by mocking their stupidity, he said.

bene dixi o fratres. Pauca enim Christus loquitur sed vera. Multa vero Iudaei et quidem mendacissima.

I spoke well, O brothers. For Christ speaks few things, but true ones. But the Jews speak many things—and indeed most mendacious ones.

De simplici rustico vera historia.

A true history about the simple rustic.

Quidam simplex rusticus senio confectus, in alpibus nostris Suevicis, non longe a patria mea, cum mandatum domini nostri ducis Vuirtenbergensis quadam simplicitate atque incuria neglexisset. convenit eum praefectus pagi sui atque carcerem ei poenamque non mediocrem minitatur. Cui rusticus.

A certain simple rustic, worn out by old age, in our Swabian Alps, not far from my homeland, when he had neglected the mandate of our lord, the Duke of Württemberg, by a certain simplicity and carelessness. The prefect of his district meets him and threatens him with prison and a not moderate penalty. To whom the rustic.

O Ioannes dilecte consanguinee, facias secundum divinam voluntatem tuam, sed sis mihi propitius quaeso. si enim prudentior essem minus egissem.

O John, beloved consanguine, do according to your divine will, but be propitious to me, I beg. For if I had been more prudent, I would have done less.

De monachis Matthias de Hochneck.

On the monks, Matthias of Hochneck.

Eram nuper cum quodam nobili imprimis faceto in monasterio quodam ubi erant fratres satis imperiti, quorum perspecta ruditate quaesivit nobilis a me. Quibus quaeso mediis aut artibus defensuri sunt si opus fuerit, isti monachi fidem christianam? Ego professus me nescire. Ad quod ille.

I was lately with a certain nobleman, especially facetious, in a certain monastery where there were brothers quite unskilled; and, their rawness having been perceived, the noble asked me: “By what means or arts, pray, will these monks defend, if need be, the Christian faith?” I professed that I did not know. To which he:

O te imperitum, qui enim alii potando meliores? Ut enim alii disputationibus, ita illi compotationibus adversarios infatuarent, atque convincerent (printer); sic: convivarent universos.

O you unskilled one, for who are better than others at drinking? For just as others by disputations, so they by compotations would infatuate their adversaries, and would “convince” them (printer); thus: would “convive” with everyone.

De quadam sententia cuiusdam senatoris.

On a certain opinion of a certain senator.

Senatus Urachensis piscabatur pro publica laetitia instruenda, et cum post piscationem ante cenam aliquid ingruisset quo consilium habere opus erat, cum quilibet suam sententiam dixisset, erat inter eos unus qui inter consultandum obdormiverat. et cum rogatus esset sententiam. dixit evigilans partim elixos esse debere, partim assos, intelligens de piscibus.

the Senate of Urach was fishing to institute public rejoicing, and when, after the fishing, before dinner, something had arisen about which it was necessary to hold counsel, when each man had spoken his opinion, there was among them one who had fallen asleep during the deliberating. and when he was asked his opinion. waking up he said that some ought to be boiled, some roasted, understanding it of the fishes.

somno enim impeditus, quae res tractaretur, omnino erat oblitus. quae eius sententia longe lateque diffusa est.

for, impeded by sleep, he had completely forgotten what matter was being discussed. This judgment of his was spread far and wide.

De fratribus Bernae combustis.

On the brothers of Bern who were burned.

Fuerunt pridem Anno domini M. D. IX. Bernae quidam fratres praedicatores ob quaedam inaudita flagitia igne concremati. qui inter ceteras ineptias, quibus imponere hominibus conabantur, finxerunt uni ex eis beatam virginem crebro noctu apparere, atque rudibus eius quaestiunculis multis verbis respondere. Quod ego cum legissem, dicere saepe consuevi, iocando in eorum fatua figmenta.

There were formerly, in the year of the Lord 1509, at Bern certain friars of the Order of Preachers cremated by fire on account of certain unheard-of flagitious crimes. Among the other ineptitudes by which they tried to impose upon men, they feigned that to one of them the Blessed Virgin appeared frequently by night and answered his crude little questions with many words. Which, when I had read it, I was often accustomed to say, jesting at their fatuous figments.

si eorum commentum verum fuisset, divam virginem mihi capulari vetula magis otiosam, loquacioremque videri. quae tot fratrum ineptiis quotidie responderit. Ambitionem enim et superstitionem sub specie religionis grassantem rei pub.

If their contrivance had been true, the divine Virgin would seem to me like a gallows-crone, more idle and more loquacious, who would have answered every day to the ineptitudes of so many friars. For ambition and superstition, under the pretext of religion, running rampant in the commonwealth...

Christianae minari summam iacturam possum non obscure intelligere, quia istis artibus sit prius per scribas et phariseos Iudaeorum res publica subversa atque labefacta. Sed cui ordini mortalium desunt mali. bonos fratres non tangit calamus meus, de malis tantum loquar.

I can clearly understand that the Christian commonwealth is threatened with the utmost loss, because by these arts the commonwealth was formerly subverted and undermined by the scribes and Pharisees of the Jews. But what order of mortals is without evildoers? My pen does not touch good brothers; I will speak only of the bad.

Ad tantum autem facinus (si verum est quod publice scribitur et divulgatur) impulit eos sola illa pertinax, et nulli mortalium scibilis opinio, quod beata virgo sit concepta in pacto originali. quam falsis et prodigiosis miraculis, sed diis adversis, convincere et probare sunt conati.

But to so great a crime (if what is written and publicly disseminated is true) they were driven by that one stubborn opinion, knowable to no mortals, that the blessed virgin was conceived in original sin; which they tried to demonstrate and prove by false and prodigious miracles, but with the gods adverse.

De aliis fratribus.

On the other brothers.

Cum nuper quidam dicerent in artam fratrum irreptasse regulam, humilesque vestes superbiam, atque avaritiam. dixi ego. Id mihi mirum non videri.

When recently certain men were saying that into the strict rule of the brethren, and into their humble garments, pride and avarice had crept. I said. That does not seem marvelous to me.

cum lupus humili veste, sordidoque colore vestitus, totus sanguinarius sit atque rapax.

since the wolf, clothed in a humble garment and in a sordid color, is altogether sanguinary and rapacious.

De rustico et medico.

On the Rustic and the Physician.

Rusticus quidam simplex cum urina accessit medicum, a quo quaesitus unde esset, dixit. Domine doctor tu in urina bene invenies.

A certain simple rustic approached a physician with urine, and, asked by him whence he was, he said. Lord Doctor, you will find it well in the urine.

De rustico aegrotante.

On the ailing peasant.

Rusticus cum ei uxor omnesque liberi in peste obissent, coepit et ipse aegrotare. cumque sacram eucharistiam sumere rogaretur, renuit, quod ex ea (ut ipse dixit) uxor et omnes liberi mortem manducassent, atque ab ea ad deum se appellaturum testatur.

A rustic, when his wife and all his children had perished in the plague, began to be sick himself as well. And when he was asked to receive the sacred Eucharist, he refused, because from it (as he himself said) his wife and all the children had eaten death, and he declares that he will appeal from it to God.

De simplici clerico.

On the simple cleric.

Quidam indoctus clericus Constantiae fuit quaesitus ab his qui examinatores dicuntur. an esset de legitimo toro, credebat illos inquirere natale solum, atque inquit. Non sum de legitimo toro, sed de Smicha, ita enim vocabatur natalis eius pagus, iuxta patriam meam.

A certain unlearned cleric of Constance was questioned by those who are called examiners. Whether he was from a legitimate bed, he believed they were inquiring about his natal soil, and said: “I am not from a legitimate bed, but from Smicha,” for thus his natal village was called, near my homeland.

De asino imperitorumque iudicio.

On the ass and the judgment of the unskilled.

Cum nemo feliciter et bene possit iudicare de artibus nisi soli artifices, nemini dubium erit quin illorum sit iudicium omnino explodendum, violentum, rude atque mendax, qui iudicare volunt de poetica, musica, atque aliis artibus, quarum omnino sunt expertes atque ignari. Ita contigit asino, qui sibi iudicis partes arrogavit inter philomelam et cuculum, quae de cantu decertabant utra earum praestaret. Sententiam enim ferens ita dixit.

Since no one can judge felicitously and well about the arts except the artificers alone, it will be doubtful to no one that the judgment of those men—violent, rude, and mendacious—who wish to judge of poetics, music, and the other arts, of which they are altogether unexperienced and ignorant, is altogether to be exploded. Thus it befell the ass, who arrogated to himself the parts of a judge between Philomela and the cuckoo, who were contending about song, which of them excelled. Pronouncing sentence, he thus said.

Cuculus longe mihi excellere videtur. illius enim cantus est planus, atque intelligibilis, uniusque tenoris. Sed philomela nescio quid canis.

The cuckoo seems to me to excel by far; for its song is plain, and intelligible, and of a single tenor. But, Nightingale, you sing I-know-not-what.

nunc enim vocem attollis, acuteque canis, nunc presse atque graviter, nunc media voce, adeo ut non facile pateat auditoribus quo tendat cantus tuus.

for now you raise your voice, and you sing acutely; now closely and gravely, now with a middle voice, to such an extent that it is not easily apparent to the auditors whither your song tends.

De querimonia lupi super sua infelicitate.

On the lament of the wolf over his infelicity.

Fecit nuper quidam carmen Germanicum, in quo mirifice atque venuste lupum de sua infelicitate atque rusticorum in se iniurias atque invidiam, omnium regum iustissimo Maximiliano Caesari conqueri facit. ad cuius tribunal citaturum se minatur universam rusticitatem, ita dicens. O quanta est rerum humanarum iniquitas.

Recently a certain person made a German song, in which, wondrously and winsomely, he has the wolf complain to Maximilian Caesar, the most just of all kings, about his own ill‑fortune and the injuries and envy of the rustics against him. He threatens that he will cite the entire rustic body before his tribunal, saying thus: “O how great is the inequity of human affairs.”

O facinus indignum, et superum iudicio vindicandum. O pereat semen rusticorum, quod me invidissimum mortalium genus supremo odio, summa cum iniuria prosequitur. Cum enim iura illa omnibus mortalibus promulgata concedant liberaliter, aliquem posse in necessitate et pro conservatione sui corporis rapere esculenta et poculenta, id mihi homines illi iniquissimi (beneficium scilicet non tam humanum quam naturale et divinum) concedere nolunt.

O deed unworthy, and to be avenged by the judgment of the gods above. O let the seed of the peasants perish, which pursues me, as the most odious of mortals, with supreme hatred, with the utmost injury. For since those laws promulgated for all mortals grant liberally that someone, in necessity and for the conservation of his body, may seize esculents and potables, those most unjust men are unwilling to concede that to me (a benefit, namely, not so much human as natural and divine).

quin immo si tempore summae famis minimam gallinam vel anserem, aut ad summum, vitulum uni eorum rapuero. vel (quod omnium detestabilissimum videri debet) cadaver mortui equi excoriare temptavero, tanto in me surgunt canum exercitu, tantoque clamore et armorum apparatu in me conficiendum excarnificandumque concurrunt praecipites, ut nemo umquam atrocius in suos hostes grassari debeat, aut fecisse inveniatur. Sed O rustici quae est vestra caecitas, quousque ita delirabitis, qui mihi quod iura tam humana quam naturalia concedunt tam diu negatis, dum ut possim subvenire necessitati corporis alicui ex vestris interdum, et id quidem raro, sum molestus, rapiens vel ovem vel bovem pro sedanda fame.

Nay rather, if in a time of extreme famine I have snatched the tiniest hen or a goose, or at the utmost a calf from one of them; or (which ought to seem most detestable of all) if I have tried to flay the cadaver of a dead horse, they rise against me with so great an army of dogs, and with such a clamor and apparatus of arms they run headlong upon me, to have me finished off and flayed, that no one ought ever to proceed more atrociously against his enemies, nor be found to have done so. But O rustics, what is your blindness? How long will you rave thus—you who deny me for so long what laws both human and natural grant—while, in order that I may succor the necessity of the body, I am a trouble to someone of yours sometimes, and indeed rarely, seizing either a sheep or an ox for the allaying of hunger.

sed nec furor, nec vi rapio argentum vel aurum, nec ferrum, siliginem, avenam vel triticum, nec quicquam earum rerum omnium, quae pretiose habentur apud mortales, sed non nisi esculenta, vinum etiam spernens quantum vis pretiosum. tantum oves, boves et universa pecora curans. atque ram singularis in rusticos vel benignitatis vel clementiae, ut nisi tempore hiemis vel summae famis raro alicui ex rusticis aliquid quasi decimas mihi iure naturae a deo datae debitas diripiam contentus praeda me silvestrium ditari.

but neither in fury, nor by force do I seize silver or gold, nor iron, fine-wheat, oats, or wheat, nor anything of all those things which are held as precious among mortals, but only esculents, even spurning wine, however precious you please. I care only for sheep, oxen, and all livestock. And there is a singular thing in me toward the rustics, whether of benignity or clemency: that, except in the time of winter or of utmost famine, I rarely despoil any one of the rustics of anything, as though tithes owed to me by the law of nature given by God, being content to be enriched by the prey of sylvan creatures.

Sed audi quantam huic in me invidiae stultitiam adiungant, ut possit deus non iniuria meus ultor existimari. desides item sacerdotes, pinguesque monachos, summos eorum et capitales inimicos genibus flexis adorant, summaque veneratione observant qui de eorum labore, sanguine et medulla vivumt. O poenam condignam.

Sed hear how much stupidity they add to this envy against me, so that my god may, without injustice, be deemed my avenger. Likewise the idle priests and the fat monks they adore on bended knees, and with the highest veneration they observe their greatest and mortal enemies—those who live off their labor, blood, and marrow. O condign punishment.

O rusticorum meritam infelicitatem, me innocentem, et eorum exercitatorem odio prosequuntur, illos autem venerantur, qui ab eis auferunt non solum frumentum, vinum, equos, tauros, argentum et aurum, verum etiam uxores, filias pudicissimas, et vitam denique ipsam saepe depraedantur, quorum vita omnis et luxuries inaudita tantum in sudore et sanguine rusticorum nutritur. O divinam vindictam qui tot estis, tamquam paucos intra viscera, et in sinu vestrarum filiarum alitis, me vero nihil tale cogitantem persequimini tantopere. Unde ego nisi Caesar pacem vobis erga me mandaverit, perpetuum vobis bellum indico.

O deserved infelicity of the rustics: me, innocent and their exercitator, they pursue with hatred; but those they venerate who take away from them not only grain, wine, horses, bulls, silver and gold, but even wives, most modest daughters, and at last often despoil life itself—whose entire life and unheard-of luxury are nourished solely on the sweat and blood of the rustics. O divine vengeance! you who are so many, you foster them as though they were few within your very vitals, and in the bosom of your daughters, while me, thinking nothing of the sort, you persecute so exceedingly. Wherefore I, unless Caesar shall have commanded peace to you toward me, proclaim to you perpetual war.

quod et posteris vestris nepotes mei facere debebunt.

which my grandsons also will have to do for your posterity.

De meretrice.

On the prostitute.

Audivi olim duas mulierculas inter se dissidentes, ubi una ad alteram dixit. Tu es meretrix. Respondit altera.

I once heard two little women quarreling with each other, when one said to the other, "You are a prostitute." The other replied.

Verum est. sed tu gauderes esse meae conditionis, sed tam deformis es, ut a nullo rogeris.

It is true. but you would rejoice to be of my condition, but you are so deformed that you are solicited by no one.

De sacerdote contionante.

On a priest preaching.

Contionaturus quidam sacerdos suis rusticis, incepit. Salutat vos Lucas medicus, ut sacrae litterae habent, sed post ita obstupuit, ut ne unum quidem enuntiare potuerit verbum ulterius. Cui ex senioribus unus assurgens dixit.

A certain priest, about to harangue his rustics, began. Luke the physician greets you, as the sacred letters have it, but afterwards he was so stupefied that he was not able to enunciate even a single word further. To whom one of the elders, rising up, said.

habeat gratias, atque si quando ad eum redibis, dicito et illi nostro omnium nomine plurimam salutem.

let him have thanks, and if ever you return to him, say to him also, in the name of us all, very many greetings.

De principum praerogativa.

On the prerogative of princes.

Principes dum sunt ebrii dicuntur a familiaribus laeti. dum sunt nigri dicuntur fusci. dum stulti dicuntur probi, simplices et innocentes.

Princes, while they are drunk, are called cheerful by their familiars. while they are black they are called dusky. while they are foolish they are called upright, simple, and innocent.

De contionatore Maguntiae.

On the preacher of Mainz.

Quidam dicitur fuisse contionator Maguntiae, qui saepe et acriter invehebatur in illos qui plura beneficia ecclesiastica haberent. hoc canonici beneficiosi (ut ita loquar) aegre ferentes contulerunt ei pingue beneficium ad id quod ante possidebat, ut eius compescerent intempestivam loquacitatem, quod ipse accepit, atque id quod ante dixerat revocavit, dicens se ante non bene in ea materia fuisse instructum, neque eam dulcedinem ante degustasse.

A certain man is said to have been a preacher at Mainz, who often and sharply inveighed against those who had several ecclesiastical benefices. The beneficed canons (so to speak), taking this ill, conferred upon him a fat benefice in addition to what he already possessed, in order to restrain his untimely loquacity; which he accepted, and he retracted what he had said before, saying that previously he had not been well instructed in that matter, nor had he previously tasted that sweetness.

Cur itinerantibus monachis pluat.

Why it rains on itinerant monks.

Est proverbium apud nostros quando monachi peregre proficiscantur, quod sint pluviae. Huius rei nuper quidam philosophus Tubingae causam ridicule asserebat hanc. quia inquit rasi multos habent ex vino immodice hausto vapores in capite, qui facile ex calore a calvitie extrahuntur, unde postea pluviae generantur.

There is a proverb among our people that, when monks set out abroad, there are rains. Of this matter, recently a certain philosopher at Tübingen was asserting the cause ridiculously thus: “Because,” he says, “the shaven have many vapors in the head from wine immoderately quaffed, which are easily extracted by heat from baldness, whence afterwards rains are generated.”

De viatore ebrio.

On the inebriated traveler.

Vinum acinaticium apud nos Suevos eo nomine appellatur quo niger equus, quo cum quidam viator ut vinosus ita facetus imprimis plus iusto se onerasset, ita ut ferre non posset, noctu id ex fenestra cubiculi ubi dormiebat, evomuit. postridie venit ad sacerdotem, apud quem divertebat, dicens. O bone pater quam acrem et vehementem habes equum nigellum.

Acinatic wine among us Swabians is called by the same name as a black horse, and with it a certain traveler—vinous and particularly facetious—having burdened himself more than was right, so that he could not bear it, at night vomited it out of the window of the little room where he was sleeping. the next day he came to the priest, with whom he was lodging, saying. O good father, how sharp and vehement a little black horse you have.

nam hesterna nocte quodam furore percitus e fenestra cubiculi precipitem se dedit.

for last night, struck by a certain fury, he hurled himself headlong from the window of the bedchamber.

De sacerdote.

On the priest.

Quidam sacerdos interim dum corpus Christi elevaret, vidit rusticum in horto suo arborem ascendentem, atque poma decerpere statuentem. ad quem dixit. Ascende in nomine diaboli, quod astantes mirabantur, qui non videntes rusticum ascendentem, putabant sacerdotem in Christum elevatum haec dixisse.

A certain priest, meanwhile, while he was elevating the Body of Christ, saw a rustic in his garden climbing a tree and intending to pluck apples. to whom he said. “Ascend in the name of the devil,” at which the bystanders marveled, who, not seeing the rustic climbing, supposed that the priest had said these things to Christ as He was elevated.

De Maximiliano Caesare, quodam infamato et Iudaeis.

On Maximilian Caesar, a certain defamed man, and the Jews.

Querebatur ex scribis Caesaris Maximiliani unus se infamari famoso carmine, vernaculisque cantionibus, atque ut id edicto vetaret, rogavit Caesarem. Non facile id faciemus, inquit Caesar, ne et ipsi in nos partem carminis transferrent. patere aequo animo quod et nos aliquando sumus perpessi.

One of the scribes of Caesar Maximilian was complaining that he was being defamed by a defamatory song and by vernacular ditties, and he asked the Caesar to forbid it by an edict. “We will not easily do that,” said the Caesar, “lest they also transfer onto us a share of the song. Bear with equanimity what even we too have at times endured.”

hae cantiones ut cito fiunt, ita cito dispereunt. nec tam diu durant ut aliquando conquestus est apud nos Iudaeus quidam, ut carmen hoc, Christus surrexit. quod nunc plus quam M. D. Annos celebratur, Dixit enim Iudaeus.

These songs, as they are made quickly, so they perish quickly. Nor do they last so long as that—as once a certain Jew complained before us—this song, “Christ has risen.” Which now has been celebrated for more than 1,500 years, for the Jew said.

Qui fit? aut quo sidere infelicissimo nobis ut omnes cantiones per annum evanescant, et hoc quod dixi duret. Qui fit insuper?

How does it come about? Or under what most unlucky star is it for us that all songs evanesce within a year, and that this which I have mentioned endures? How does it come about, moreover?

ut homicidia omnia apud vos post annum expiantur atque reconcilientur, et homicidium nostrum quod in Christum commisimus tot annos maneat inexpiabile, nulloque nostro incommodo atque miseria vel temporum spatio mitigabile.

that all homicides among you are expiated and reconciled after a year, and that our homicide which we committed against Christ remains for so many years inexpiable, and not mitigable by any inconvenience and misery of ours, nor by the span of time.

De rustico.

On the Rustic.

Rusticus alpestris apud Helvecios cum aegrotaret, misit ad proximum pagum pro sacerdote, qui eum communione sacra provideret, atque cum sacerdos venisset, convaluit paulum rusticus, dixitque ad sacerdotem. Vade domum nunc, sinasque deum in clavo isto (quem demonstrabat) pendere usque in crastinum. Cui sacerdos.

An alpine rustic among the Helvetii, when he was sick, sent to the nearest village for a priest, who would provide him with the sacred communion; and when the priest had come, the rustic recovered a little, and said to the priest. Go home now, and allow God to hang on that nail (which he was pointing at) until tomorrow. To which the priest.

An corpus Christi tam negligenter et irreverenter hic custodiam? Ad hoc rusticus O bone domine si etiam valeret. x. aureos sine cura tua custodiam.

Am I to guard the body of Christ so negligently and irreverently here? To this the rustic: O good lord, if it were even worth 10 gold pieces, I would keep it without your care.

Proverbium apud Germanos.

Proverb among the Germans.

Si vis esse laetus per unum diem, intra balneum. post enim largius bibunt homines, unde laeticia nascitur. Si per hebdomadam, minue sanguinem.

If you wish to be glad for one day, enter the bath. For afterwards men drink more liberally, whence laetity is born. If for a hebdomad, diminish the blood.

Si per mensem, interfice porcam, ubi farciminibus et carnibus suillis homines lautius epulantur. Si vero per annum, ducas uxorem. multorum vero opinione, paenitere emitur citius quam per annum ab his qui ducunt uxores.

If for a month, kill a sow, upon which with sausages and pork meats men feast more lavishly. But if for a year, take a wife. However, in the opinion of many, repentance is bought sooner than within a year by those who take wives.

Aliud.

Another.

Haec familia omnium inutilissima atque tristissima praedicatur. Gallinae sine ovis. Porca sine suculis.

This family is proclaimed the most useless and the most sad of all. Hens without eggs. A sow without piglets.

Vacca sine lacte. Filia quae noctu extra domum divagatur. Filius lusor Uxor furtim bona viri absumens.

A cow without milk. A daughter who wanders outside the house by night. A son a gamester A wife furtively consuming her husband’s goods.

Et famula praegnans.

And a pregnant maidservant.

Aliud.

Another.

Haec raro contingere, atque fere contra naturae cursum esse traduntur ab otiosis. Puella adolescens sine amore. Nundine sine furibus.

These things are reported by the idle to occur rarely, and to be almost against the course of nature: an adolescent girl without love. A market day without thieves.

Antiquus Iudaeus sine divitiis. Antiquum horreum sine muribus. Antiqua vestis pellicea sine pediculis.

An ancient Jew without riches. An ancient granary without mice. An ancient fur garment without lice.

Antiquus caper sine barba. Antiqua monialis sine religione.

An ancient he-goat without a beard. An ancient nun without religion.

De puella impudica.

On the immodest girl.

Erat puella in patria mea non usquequaque illaesae famae. Illa suem a patre in foro Echingensi emptum, domum ducebat et cum forte per silvam haberet adolescentem comitem, qui eam de stupro appellaret, negavit illa primum, sperans illum instantius petiturum. sed tamen in fine nemoris cum videret illum omnino a petitione destitisse, dixit.

There was a girl in my homeland not by any means of unblemished reputation. She was leading home a pig bought by her father in the market at Eching, and when by chance through the wood she had an adolescent companion, who accosted her about stuprum, she refused at first, hoping he would ask more insistently. But yet at the edge of the grove, when she saw that he had altogether desisted from his petition, she spoke.

sed O bonae amasie ut recordar praeteritorum verborum, si tuae voluntati condescenderem, quo quaeso interim ligaremus suem. quod postea multis annis mansit apud populares meos in proverbio.

but, O good sweetheart, as I recall the preceding words, if I were to condescend to your will, where, I pray, in the interim should we tie the sow? which afterwards for many years remained among my compatriots as a proverb.

De alia puella.

About another girl.

Erat alia multo minoris aetatis, quae confessa est sacerdoti, se cum masculis super feno fuisse. Ad quod sacerdos. Quid ibi fecisti?

There was another, much younger in age, who confessed to the priest that she had been with males upon hay. To which the priest: “What did you do there?”

Respondit puella cum quadam irrisione. Puh. nescis domine quid faciant adolescentes in feno puellis.

The girl responded with a certain derision. Puh. Do you not know, sir, what adolescents do in the hay to girls?

De mendicis.

On beggars.

Scripsi in triumpho meo venereo contra mendicos, soleoque aliquando illudere illis, qui homines improbi, nulliusque bonae frugis, sed solo otio dediti, mirificis artibus simplices homines et rusticos imperitos dispoliant. Et id facio (testis est scrutator cordium deus) non ex quadam impietate. (quippe qui sum quodam singulari beneficio naturae mirum in modum ad misericordiam propensius, et ultra facultates vere pauperum et afflictorum misereor) sed rerum idignitate motus, quod videam eos per omnem iniquitatem et perversitatem hominum simplicium abuti liberalitate et commiseratione.

I wrote, in my Venereal Triumph, against beggars, and I am wont at times to mock those who, being wicked men and of no good fruit, but given over to idleness alone, with wondrous arts despoil simple men and unskilled rustics. And I do this (God, the searcher of hearts, is witness) not out of any impiety. (for indeed I am, by a certain singular benefaction of nature, in a marvelous way more inclined to mercy, and I pity beyond my means the truly poor and afflicted) but moved by the indignity of the matter, because I see them, through every iniquity and perversity, abuse the liberality and commiseration of simple people.

Illi inquam impostores mendici cum tam clamose et suppliciter, atque quasi quibusdam obtestationibus nomine dei et beatae virginis, vel Valentini, Antonii, aut aliorum sanctorum extorqueant eleemosynam ab hominibus. Cogito quanta est bonitas et aequanimitas dei et sanctorum, quia illi mendici per eos vivant, quos numquam venerantur. Ego enim eos ante sacras aedes, sed intus sub divinis officiis vix unum aut alterum vidi in decennio.

Those, I say, impostor beggars, when so loudly and suppliantly, and as it were with certain adjurations, in the name of God and the Blessed Virgin, or of Valentine, Anthony, or other saints, they extort alms from people—I reflect how great is the goodness and equanimity of God and of the saints, because those beggars live by those whom they never venerate. For I have seen them before the sacred temples, but inside, under the divine offices, I have scarcely seen one or two in the space of ten years.

Illos autem cum audio in plateis tam argute compositeque canere et boare vel quaculari (ut illo verbo utar) soleo dicere ad convictores meos. Ille me multo est laetior, nec me movebit. Nam ut Horatius dicit.

But when I hear those fellows in the streets sing so acutely and in a well-composed way, and bellow or quackle (to use that word), I am accustomed to say to my fellow-lodgers: That man is much more cheerful than I, nor will he move me. For, as Horace says.

Si vis me flere, dolendum est primum ipsi tibi. Si autem sunt nimium eloquentes, et diserte quaculantur, soleo dicere eum esse nimis peritum in sua professione artificem, unde meo auxilio non habeat opus. Est autem quaculor, -aris.

If you wish me to weep, you yourself must first grieve. But if they are too eloquent, and eloquently quaculate, I am wont to say that he is an artisan too expert in his own profession, whence he has no need of my help. Now, “to quaculate” is quaculor, -aris.

verbum novum et barbarum, sed non inepte a nobis contra inepte loquentes excogitatum, a sono vel corvorum vel ranarum, quod tales tam intempestive et inepte garrientes non loquantur, sed balbutiant et instar corvorum vocem eructent.

a new and barbarous word, but not ineptly excogitated by us against those ineptly speaking, from the sound either of ravens or of frogs, because such people, chattering so untimely and ineptly, are not speaking, but stammer and, after the manner of ravens, belch forth a voice.

Fabula domini Georgii abbatis Zvuifuldensis.

The tale of lord George, abbot of Zwiefalten.

Quidam erat monachus, qui semper demisso in terram vultu incedebat. postquam autem abbas esset factus, erecto corpore ibat. et interrogatus cur more solito non incederet?

There was a certain monk, who always walked with his face cast down to the ground. but after he had been made abbot, he went with his body erect. and, when asked why he did not walk in the accustomed manner?

Respondit, se prius terram intuendo monasterii claves quaesisse, nunc illis inventis, non esse opus ulterius inquisitione.

He responded that previously, by looking at the ground, he had sought the keys of the monastery; now, with them discovered, there was no need for further inquisition.

De quodam abbate.

On a certain abbot.

Novi abbatem, qui cum a quodam nobili in consessu primorum Suevicae confedoerationis de adulteriis et multis fornicationibus esset criminatus. Respondit. Nonne deberem asinas futuere, Ad quod nobilis.

I know an abbot, who, when by a certain noble in the assembly of the foremost of the Suevic Confederation he had been charged with adulteries and many fornications. He replied. “Ought I not to fuck she-asses,” To which the noble—

Etiam si fecisses, genus tuum accessisses. alludens ad eius imperitiam.

Even if you had done so, you would have acceded to your kind, alluding to his inexperience.

De quodam fratre minorum.

On a certain Friar Minor.

Erat nobiscum in convivio Tubingae quidam ex ordine minorum de non observantia (ut dicunt) Is hilarior factus hilari Baccho incitatore, dixit se Veronae cum exercitu Caesaris Maximiliani militare consuevisse, atque hunc repetere velle. Ille cum interdum parum caste loqueretur de rebus et militia Veneris, dixi. Putabam vos castitatem habere in votis.

There was with us at a convivium in Tübingen a certain man from the Order of Minors of the Non-Observance (as they say). He, made merrier, with merry Bacchus as inciter, said that at Verona he had been wont to do military service with the army of Emperor Maximilian, and that he wished to resume this. When he at times was speaking somewhat unchastely about matters and the warfare of Venus, I said, I supposed you to have chastity among your vows.

Ad quod ille. verum est. tria vovi, sed ita.

To this he said: it is true; I have vowed three things, but thus.

Paupertatem in balneo. Oboedientiam in mensa. et castitatem in altari.

Poverty in the bath. Obedience at the table. and chastity at the altar.

Et conversus ad me dixit. Et apud vos qui docti haberi vultis omni monstro monstrosiora inveniuntur. Theologus, vel ebrius, vel libidinosus, vel avarus.

And turning to me he said. And among you who wish to be held as learned, things more monstrous than any monster are found. A theologian, or a drunkard, or a libidinous man, or an avaricious one.

iurisperitus, iniquus et iniustus. Atque medicus valetudinarius, et qui se ipsum curvare (ut ipse dixit pro curare) non potest. quia eorum professioni vita omnino non quadraret.

a jurist, iniquitous and unjust. And a physician a valetudinarian, and one who cannot cure himself (as he himself said curvare for curare). because their life did not at all square with their profession.

De Bohemorum irreligione.

On the irreligion of the Bohemians.

Bohemi in eo sunt errore ut non confessi laici quotidie sacram communionem accedant. Rustica autem anserem in quodam oppidum vendendum sub brachio portans, primum est templum ingressa, atque cum ibi tunc sacra fierent, accessit et ipsa cum ansere altare, perceptura a sacerdote hostiam, quam anser illi incaute praeripuit, atque devoravit. quod illa flendo sacerdoti conqueritur.

The Bohemians are in this error, that laymen not confessed daily approach the sacred communion. A countrywoman, however, carrying a goose under her arm to sell in a certain town, first entered the temple; and when the sacred rites were then being performed there, she too approached the altar with the goose, intending to receive the host from the priest, which the goose incautiously snatched from her and devoured. This she, weeping, complains of to the priest.

Cui sacerdos. Noli inquit flere, dabo tibi aliam, vel alium deum, ut cum eis loquar.

To whom the priest: "Do not weep," he says, "I will give you another, or even another god, that I may speak with them."

De Laurentio Valla et fratre minorum.

On Lorenzo Valla and a Friar Minor.

Laurentius Valla homo impense doctus, atque linguae latinae instaurator, cum semel in templo minorum Neapolis deambularet, vidit sanctum Franciscum inter quattuor doctores pictum, atque convocato aliquo ex fratribus. Quo inquit pacto ordinis vestri princeps et auctor, scilicet Franciscus inter quattuor doctores ponitur, cum tamen laicus et sine litteris fuisse praedicetur. Cui indignabundus fratur.

Laurentius Valla, a man intensely learned, and the restorer of the Latin language, when once he was strolling in the church of the Minorites at Naples, saw Saint Francis painted among the four Doctors, and, having called over one of the brothers, said: “By what pact is the chief and founder of your order, namely Francis, placed among the four Doctors, although he is proclaimed to have been a layman and without letters?” To this the brother, indignant, replied.

Immo et maximus doctorum est. Huic Laurentius. Et quo modo maximus?

Nay, he is even the greatest of the doctors. To this, Laurentius: And in what way the greatest?

cum semper habitus sit inter minores. Hanc ego historiam saepe audivi narrare Ioannem Nauclerum Tubingensis. collegii, gymnasii et demum totius urbis decus et ornamentum, omnisque honestatis et probitatis normam.

since he has always been held among the Minors. This story I have often heard Johann Nauclerus of Tübingen narrate, the glory and ornament of the college, the gymnasium, and finally of the whole city, and the norm of every honesty and probity.

Quibus animalibus hominum aetas comparetur?

With which animals should the age of humans be compared?

Sic aetas hominis animalibus aequiparatur.
Haedulus in decimum, vitulo vigesimus aequat
Ter decimus Iunicem, reddit quater ipse leonem
Astutam vulpem fert quinquagesimus annus
Sexaginta canem simulant, supperadde decem, mox
Est lupus. at felem bruma octogesima reddit.

Thus the age of man is made equal to animals.
At the 10th, a kid; the 20th equals a calf;
the 30th, a heifer; the 40th makes him a lion;
the 50th year bears the astute fox;
60 years mimic the dog; add ten besides, soon
he is a wolf. But the 80th winter makes him a cat.

Aequat asello hominem post nonagesimus annus.
Anser abibit iners demum centesimo in anno.

After the ninetieth year, man equals a little ass.
The inert goose departs at last in the hundredth year.

In currucam

On the wren

Vir bonus es, sed vix talis reperitur in orbe.
Coniunx communis, cetera solus habes.

You are a good man, but scarcely is such a one found in the world.
A wife in common; the rest you have alone.

Vita voluptuarii et sani.

The life of the voluptuary and of the healthy man.

Ut vivas sanus, semel in anno minuas sanguinem. semel in mense intres balneum. semel in septimana amplectere Venerem.

That you may live in health, once in a year diminish blood. once in a month enter the bath. once in a week embrace Venus.

bis in die comede bibeque. Quietus et bene de nocte dormi.

twice in a day eat and drink. Be at rest and sleep well at night.

De quodam fatuo,

On a certain fool,

Morio quidam instabat apud dominum suum, ut more Christi fidelium admitteretur ad sumptionem sacrae eucharistiae. et cum altare accederet, supposuit ei sacerdos particulam raphani loco sacramenti, quam morio degustans dixit. O dulcissime deus quam es amarus.

A certain fool was pressing his lord that he be admitted, after the custom of the faithful of Christ, to the taking of the sacred Eucharist. And when he approached the altar, the priest put before him a particle of radish in place of the sacrament; which, the fool tasting it, he said: O sweetest God, how bitter you are.

De mendicis.

On beggars.

Quidam (dum in confabulationibus mentio de mendicis esset facta, quam numerosam haberent prolem) dixit. non obscura est causa quia plures habeant liberos. nam tuto solent coire, exploratum habentes non se sed nos eorum pueros esse educaturos.

A certain man (while in confabulations mention had been made about beggars, how numerous a progeny they had) said. the cause is not obscure why they have more children. for they are wont to come together safely, having it ascertained that not they but we are going to bring up their children.

Ipsi enim faciunt, nos autem cogimur educare nostra eleemosyna.

For they themselves beget them, but we are compelled to bring them up with our alms.

De insigni mendacio.

On notable mendacity.

Quidam gloriatus se lustrasse totam fere Europam, maximeque Italiam. Interrogatur de Venetorum urbe magnificisque aedificiis. Ad quod inquit.

A certain man boasted that he had traversed almost all of Europe, and especially Italy. He is questioned about the city of the Venetians and the magnificent edifices. To which he says.

Non possum plura dicere de Venetiis. eam enim urbem non nisi semel sub crepusculo vespertino transivi equo. Quod cum alii impossibile dicerent, quod urbs mari circumdata, equorum ingressum et egressum non admitteret.

I cannot say more about Venice. For I passed through that city only once at evening twilight on horseback. And when others said that this was impossible, because the city, surrounded by the sea, did not admit the ingress and egress of horses.

Dixi ego fuisse hiemem eo tempore dum transisset, atque super glacie equitasse ad urbem.

I said that it had been winter at the time when he passed, and that he had ridden over the ice to the city.

De quodam studente anseres furato.

About a certain student who stole geese.

Quidam scholasticus Tubingensis confessus a se furatos anseres, atque gallinas, cum sodalibus suis devorasse. Increpatur a sacerdote, qui ei donec restitueret furtum, absolutionem omnino denegat. quoniam non dimittatur peccatum nisi restituatur ablatum.

A certain Tübingen scholastic confessed that geese and hens had been stolen by himself, and that he had devoured them with his companions. He is rebuked by a priest, who utterly denies him absolution until he restore the theft (i.e., the stolen goods), since sin is not remitted unless what has been taken away is restored.

Ad hoc scholasticus. O optime pater inquit. Ego in duplo restitui.

To this, the scholastic: “O most excellent father,” he said. “I have restored twofold.”

ita enim illis me saturavi ut vix mediam horam retinerem, sed revomerem simul, atque cepae piraque quibus conditi erant. O utinam inquit sacerdos pulmonem et iecur pariter evomuisses ut quadruplo reddidisses, atque indignabundus illum reliquit.

for I so satiated myself with them that I could scarcely retain them for half an hour, but at once re-vomited them, together with the onions and pears with which they had been seasoned. “O would that,” said the priest, “you had vomited up your lung and liver alike, so that you would have repaid fourfold,” and, indignant, he left him.

Qui sint praecipui et maximi sancti.

Who are the principal and greatest saints.

Cum nuper Tubingae cuius templi sanctioris tutelares sancti (quos patronos vocant) sunt divus Georgius, atque Martinus, mentio facta esset de sanctorum meritis et sanctimoniae praestantia. cum alii Ioannem baptistam, alii divum Petrum apostolorum principem ceteris praestare contenderent. Quae dementia vos agitat quidam inquit?

When recently at Tübingen, where the tutelary saints of its more sacred church (whom they call patrons) are St. George and St. Martin, mention had been made of the merits of the saints and the preeminence of sanctity, while some contended that John the Baptist, others that St. Peter, prince of the apostles, excelled the rest. “What madness agitates you?” said a certain man.

Qui enim alii sanctiores, meritisque, et honore priores Tubingensibus patronis Georgio et Martino? Nam cum alii sancti pannosi, contemptique, pedibus incedant, hii egregiis caballis equitent, et sumptuosis vestibus induantur.

For who are more holy, and prior in merits and in honor, than the Tübingen patrons George and Martin? For whereas other saints, rag-clad and despised, proceed on foot, these ride on excellent horses and are clothed in sumptuous garments.

Facetia Pauli Vuiest traducta a Brassicano.

A Jest of Paul Vuiest, translated by Brassicanus.

Si cui incognitus sit Paulus Vuiest Suevus ioculator egregius, hac saltem facetia eundem plane quotusquisque lector agnoscat. Conveniebant quodam vespere tres socii gratia ludi, qui tunc in principatu Vuirtenbergensi. vetitus fuerat, apud Tabernarium vallis Ramasianae admodum curiosum.

If Paulus Vuiest, a Swabian and an outstanding jester, be unknown to anyone, by this jest at least let nearly every reader clearly recognize the same. On a certain evening three companions met for the sake of gaming, which then in the principality of Württemberg. had been forbidden, at the Tavernkeeper of the Ramasian valley, a very inquisitive fellow.

cum quo pepigerant, fores clauderet, et obducto vecte intromitteret neminem, ne in medio ludo deprehensi, multam institutam solvere cogerentur. quibus Tabernarius ille quaestus et lucri avidus, facile annuit, et conditionem accepit. cumque hi aliquamdiu lusissent, venit Paulus ille Vuiest ex composito, fores pulsabat, mussitabant intus ludentes quorum techna aderat, simulabant fortasse aliquem adesse, cui ludus illorum suspectus esset, ob id Tabernario mandabant ne cuiquam aperiret.

with whom they had bargained that he should shut the doors, and, the bar drawn, admit no one, lest, apprehended in the midst of the game, they be compelled to pay the instituted fine. To this the Tavern-keeper, eager for gain and profit, readily assented and accepted the condition. And when they had played for some time, that Paul Vuiest, by preconcert, came and was knocking at the doors; those playing within were whispering, whose stratagem was at hand; they pretended perhaps that someone was present to whom their game would be suspect, and on that account they instructed the Tavern-keeper to open to no one.

Quo autem taciturniores se gerebant intra aedes, tanto ille foris ianuam tumultuosius, sonoriusque pedibus et manibus pulsabat Tandem sociorum unus. vade inquit hospes, et quid rerum novarum tamen calleat, explorato, dum foribus admodum insultet. Hospes cui rerum novarum experiundarum libido incesserat quaesitum ibat, cui ut respondebat Paulus, Ova se parere nosse, otius rem ad socios, quos hospitabatur, perfert, plurimumque rogat eum hominem intromitti sinerent causa hanc rem factu mirificentissimam videndi, et experiundi.

But the more silently they bore themselves inside the house, by so much the more tumultuously, and more sonorously, did he outside pound the door with feet and hands. At length one of the companions: “Go,” says he, “host, and find out what novelty he nevertheless may be skilled in, while he is exceedingly assaulting the doors.” The host, upon whom a desire of experiencing new things had come on, went to inquire; to whom Paul answered that he knew how to lay eggs. More quickly he carries the matter back to the companions whom he was hosting, and very much begs that they would allow that man to be let in, for the sake of seeing and trying this most wonder-working thing to do.

Hi ut res ex composito gerebatur, aliquantisper cunctabantur, difficillimosque se simulabant, quasi istius hominis adventum gravarentur plurimum. Victi tandem assiduis Tabernarii suppliciis, et precibus sinebant pulsantem (ne tamen ipsorum ludus proderetur) intromitti. Hospes (ut erat rerum novarum avidissimus gestiit, exsiluit, cucurrit, repagulum foribus detorsit, aperuit, hominem hunc personatum humaniter excepit, hypocausto, quod stubam appellant barbari induxit, ac pone fornacem in tenebras more glocitantis gallinae collocavit, hortabaturque eundem artis suae, quam iactaverat, periculum faceret, adeo morae impatiens exstiterat hospes.

These men, as the matter was being carried out according to plan, delayed for a while and pretended to be most difficult, as if they were greatly burdened by the arrival of that man. At length, overcome by the assiduous supplications and prayers of the Tavern-keeper, they allowed the one knocking to be admitted (lest, however, their game be betrayed). The Host (as he was most avid for novelties) was eager, leaped up, ran, wrenched back the bolt from the doors, opened, courteously received this masked man, led him into the hypocaust, which the barbarians call a stuba, and placed him behind the furnace in the dark in the manner of a clucking hen; and he urged that same man to make a trial of his art which he had boasted of, so impatient of delay had the host proved to be.

Iussa subit Paulus ille, qui duo ova ad vivam cutem pectoris sui tam diu foverat ac gestaverat, ut percaluissent. Cumque aliquamdiu consedisset Paulus, hospitem vocavit, ut ovum supposita manu blande exciperet. Accurrit hospes, ovum excipit, ostentat id lusoribus, iura per deos immortales adhuc incalescere.

That Paulus complies with the orders, he who had cherished and carried two eggs against the living skin of his chest for so long that they had become thoroughly heated. And when Paulus had sat for a while, he called the host, that he might gently receive the egg with his hand placed underneath. The host runs up, receives the egg, shows it to the players, and swears by the immortal gods that it is still warm.

Hortatur Paulum secundo ovum pariat. Ad ille subdole renitebatur, bonam inquit et minime vulgarem gallinam esse oportet, quae uno die bina ova parire soleat. Non tamen destitit hospes a precando.

He urges Paul to produce a second egg. But he, craftily, was resisting, saying that it ought to be a good and by no means ordinary hen that is wont to lay two eggs in a single day. Nevertheless the host did not desist from entreating.

Morem gessit Paulus hospiti, statimque hospitem accersivit, ovum secundo partu exciperet. affuit hospes, ovum sumpserat in manus quod aeque, ac primum calescebat, in medium profert, ac rei magnitudinem miris laudibus extollit. Rogavit tandem Paulum per omnes deos ut Tertio ovum pariat, pollicens amplius se nil ab eodem exacturum, Responderat Paulus sibi id factu difficillimum fore.

Paul complied with his guest, and immediately summoned the guest, that he might receive the egg at its second delivery. the guest was present; he had taken the egg into his hands, which was warming equally as the first had; he brings it into the midst and extols the magnitude of the affair with wondrous praises. At length he asked Paul by all the gods to bear an egg for the Third time, promising that he would exact nothing further from him. Paul replied that this would be most difficult to accomplish.

Timeo enim inquit ipsa ovorum seminaria interne dissolvi, et penitus deperire, unde non immodicam iacturam sumerem, inde enim mihi victus subduceretur. Quanto plus Paulus rem pernegaverat, tanto obnixius hospes eundem precabatur. Tandem Paulus rem illam se tertio tentaturum ait, quocumque res caderet.

“For I fear,” he says, “that the very seminaries of the eggs may be dissolved internally and utterly perish, whence I would incur no small loss; for from that my sustenance would be withdrawn.” The more Paulus denied the matter, the more strenuously the host entreated him. At last Paulus says that he will attempt that thing for the third time, however the matter might turn out.

Ubi vero tempus faciendi oleti, et alvum solvendi adesset, Hospes (inquit) otiissime adsis, vitellum excipias, quoniam ovum illud postremum testa caret. adsis, ne in pulveres recidat, ac nullius usui eveniat cura. Accurrebat hospes plus aequo credulus, nedum curiosus, ambas manus supponit.

When indeed the time had come of making water and of loosening the belly, Guest (he says) be most obligingly present, to catch the yolk, since that last egg lacks a shell. be present, lest it fall back into the dust, and the care turn out of no use to anyone. The guest ran up, more credulous than was fitting, not to say curious, and he puts both hands underneath.

At is non ovum sed solutae alvi purgamenta in manus hospitis profusissime cacavit. exclamando. Eheu ad meam maximam iacturam redegisti me, ovum amplius nullum parire dabitur, id est quod initio verebar.

But he did not [produce] an egg, but most profusely shat the purgaments of a loosened belly into the host’s hands. exclaiming. Alas, you have reduced me to my greatest loss; no further egg will be allowed to be laid; this is what at the beginning I feared.

Comperta vero fraude hospes Paulum, nisi pone collusores desiluisset, personamque detraxisset, districto gladio adortus fuisset. Digna Historia curioso. Unde sibi exemplum sumant quicumque rerum novitate nimia permoventur.

But once the fraud had truly been discovered, the host would very nearly have attacked him with a drawn sword, had he not leapt down behind his colluders and stripped off his mask. A Story worthy for the curious. Whence let those take an example for themselves, whoever are overly moved by the novelty of things.

Facetia de rustico quem non decebant pulmentaria.

Witticism about a rustic whom pottages did not befit.

Rusticus quidam servum habebat, cui cum mane ante opus diurnum (ut hiberno tempore fieri solet) pulmentarium appositum esset, et ille segnius ederet, quasi idem fastidiret. Rusticus his verbis eundem compellavit. O si Bentzo hoc pulmentarium mihi aeque ac tibi congrueret quam avidis buccis et faucibus id exederem.

A certain rustic had a servant; when in the morning, before the diurnal work (as in wintertime it is wont to be done), a pottage was set before him, and he ate rather more sluggishly, as if he disdained the same. The rustic addressed him with these words: O, if, Bentzo, this pottage agreed with me as well as with you, with what avid cheeks and gullet I would devour it!

Putans id se amplius non decere, cum vix ante triduum in numerum eius pagi iudicum ascitus fuisset, quasi non nisi ieiunus de agrorum limitibus in paganorum conventiculis disputare posset, aut qui saltem pulte crassa inebriari se putabat.

Thinking that this no longer befitted him, since scarcely three days before he had been admitted into the number of the judges of that pagus, as if he could dispute about the boundaries of fields in the conventicles of the pagani only when fasting, or as one who at least thought himself inebriated by thick porridge.

Sequuntur mendacia Explosissima Fabri Cantharopolitani.

The most thoroughly exploded lies of Faber of Cantharopolis follow.

Cum semel Faber Cantharopolitanus cum Nobilitari suo cui tunc famulabatur circa flumen quodam equitarent. Vidit Nobilitaris nassam pistatoriam inter crustas glaciei superne fluitare. Utinam inquit nos eam nassam quae piscibus plena est, haberemus, cui Faber id factu facile esse respondit, atque laxatis frenis in flumen arripiendae nassae gratia prosiliit.

When once Faber of Cantharopolis, with his Nobilitaris whom he was then serving, were riding around a certain river. The Nobilitaris saw a piscatory nassa floating above among the crusts of ice. “Would that we had that nassa, which is full of fish,” he said; to which Faber replied that that was easy to do, and, the reins loosened, he leapt into the river for the sake of seizing the nassa.

quem piscis ingenti enormitate cum equo hiantibus faucibus excepit, ac repente reglutivit. Cumque piscator quidam non longo post piscem hunc casu cepisset, ac in mensam Lanioniam venum exposuisset, asciolaque eundem exenterasset, exiluit Faber equo insidiens salvus, reique novitatem nobilitati recensuit, in qua re sane non est parce mentitus.

whom a fish of huge enormity, with yawning jaws, caught together with the horse, and suddenly gulped back down. And when a certain fisherman not long after had by chance taken this fish, and had exposed it for sale on the butcher’s table, and with a small cleaver had exenterated it, Faber, sitting astride his horse, leapt out safe, and recounted the novelty of the affair to the nobleman—in which matter he assuredly was not sparing of lies.

Aliud de Apro.

Another about the Boar.

Pertranseunti Fabro quadam tempestate nemus, aper mirae magnitudinis, ac dentibus longitudine unius cubiti prominentibus venit obvius, quem cum tunc incursantem pone quercum veterem effugeret. Truculentus aper fabri cupidus dente suo quercum annosam adeo penetravit, ut ab altera parte quercus dentis acumen emicuit. Quod cum faber vidisset, ut rebus suis ac saluti consuleret, subito illi in mentem venit, ut districti pugionis capulo dentis aciem, ut solent fabri dum arcularum clavos incurvant, reflecteret et retunderet, ne cum dentem hinc avelleret, iacturam sumeret, quo solo sibi salutem quaesivit.

As Faber was passing through a grove at a certain time, a boar of wondrous magnitude, with tusks projecting to the length of one cubit, came to meet him; and when at that moment he, charging, Faber escaped behind an old oak. The truculent boar, eager for the smith, with his tooth penetrated the time-worn oak to such a degree that on the other side of the oak the sharp point of the tooth flashed out. When Faber had seen this, in order to look to his interests and safety, it suddenly came into his mind to bend back and blunt, with the hilt of his drawn dagger, the edge of the tooth—as smiths are wont while they bend the nails of little chests—lest, when he should tear the tooth away from there, he incur a loss; by this one thing alone he sought safety for himself.

Aliud de Lupo.

Another about the Wolf.

Faber ille cum per silvam itasset, et lupus illi occurrisset hianti rictu ac si eundem vivum deglutire voluisset, ut se redimere posset cum impetu manu dextra per rictum lupi penetravit, caudamque arripuit, ac eundem (ut Calceolarius calceum) invertit.

That smith, when he had gone through the forest and a wolf met him with gaping jaws as if he wished to swallow him alive, in order to redeem himself he, with an impetus, thrust his right hand through the wolf’s jaws, seized the tail, and turned the same inside out (as a Shoemaker a shoe).

De sacerdote Aucupiario.

About the priest Aucupiarius.

Sacerdos quidam in agros profectus aucupii faciendi gratia, cum videret ardeam sublime volitantem, sivit avolare falconem vulgo dictum, quem manibus gestabat, cumque falco arrepta ardea ex aere praecipitaretur, Aper, qui tunc aderat, falconem cum ardea patulis faucibus simul devoravit, hoc ubi vidisset sacerdos, accurrit, et aprum venabulo transfixit. Cum vero hunc domi suae mactare vellet, et apri terga cultro lanionio superne dissecuisset, falco ardeam adhuc rostro gestans evolavit salvus. Ecce quam belle mutuis mendaciorum illecebris, sacerdos ille, et faber fabulatores egregii decertant.

A certain priest, having set out into the fields for the sake of making fowling, when he saw a heron flying high aloft, let fly the falcon, so called in the common tongue, which he was carrying in his hands; and when the falcon, the heron having been seized, was being hurled headlong from the air, a Boar, which was then present, with gaping jaws devoured the falcon together with the heron; when the priest had seen this, he ran up and transfixed the boar with a hunting-spear. But when he wished to immolate this one at his own house, and had slit open the boar’s back from above with a butcher’s knife, the falcon, still carrying the heron in its beak, flew out safe. Behold how nicely, by the mutual allurements of lies, that priest and the smith, first-rate storytellers, vie with one another.

De eodem.

On the same.

Idem sacerdos cum die quodam a rusticis circumsedentibus in balneis interrogaretur. Anne sibi compertum esset, quonam abirent, vel unde redirent Ciconiae? Has nugas subtilissime commentus, Arrigite (inquit) aures rem memorandam vobis recensebo.

The same priest, when on a certain day he was being interrogated by rustics sitting around in the baths. Whether, indeed, it was known to him where the Storks went away, or whence they returned? Having most subtly concocted these trifles, “Prick up your ears,” he says, “I will recount to you a thing to be remembered.”

Cum olim pater meus scholas triviales petendi gratia me ad externas gentes ablegasset, ad remotissimam insulani casu veni, qui cum ibidem litteras discendo balneas semel intrassem, insulam qui mihi assederant, humanissime salutaverant, quos cum interrogassem, Unde me exterum et alienum agnovissent. Respondit illorum unus. A parentibus vestris bone domine Ioannes, qui tam de me quam gentilibus meis bene meriti sunt, optime vos agnovimus.

When once my father, for the sake of seeking the trivial schools, had sent me away to foreign peoples, I came by chance to a most remote island; and when there, while learning letters, I had on one occasion entered the baths, the islanders who had sat down beside me greeted me most courteously; and when I asked them whence they had recognized me as a foreigner and a stranger, one of them replied: “By your parents, good lord John, who have deserved well both of me and of my kinsfolk, we have recognized you very well.”

Cumque hortarer illum, quonam modo? a parentibus meis beneficia accepisset? Rem ex ordine depromit.

And when I urged him, in what manner had he received benefits from my parents? He brings forth the matter in order.

Verno mihi tempore (inquit) dum insula nostra frigoribus riget, transfiguramur in Ciconias, et in partes Europae tunc calescere incipientes avolamus. Unde ego in culmine aedium parentum vestrorum ante annos triginta nidulum surculis et virgultis effinxi. quibus id temporis tererem, donec brumalis nostrae insulae rigor desaeviret.

At springtime (he says), while our island is rigid with frosts, we are transfigured into Storks, and we fly away into the parts of Europe then beginning to grow warm. Whence I, on the roof-peak of your parents’ house, thirty years ago fashioned a little nest from shoots and small twigs, with which at that time I might while away the season, until the wintry rigor of our island should cease its raging.

Adventum meum parentibus vestris admodum gratum fuisse semper intellexi, qui numquam passi sunt nidum nostrum minimo provocari. Ubi vero regio vestra faciem brumae induit, discedimus, et in nostram insulam tunc calidissimam reversi Aves exuti in formam pristinam demutamur. Quibus nugis rusticanam plebem adeo persuasit, ut quisque horum Ciconias posthac maiore honore se culturum serio testaretur.

I have always understood that my arrival was very pleasing to your parents, who never allowed our nest to be provoked in the least. But when your region puts on the face of winter, we depart, and, returning to our island then most warm, stripped of the Birds, we are transformed back into our pristine form. By these trifles he so persuaded the rustic plebs that each of these afterward would seriously attest that he would henceforth cultivate the Storks with greater honor.

Facetia de simplicitate sponsae.

A witticism about the bride's simplicity.

Rusticus olim gnatam suam rustico desponderat, cumque ille prima nocte uxori caestum diffibulare vellet, cuius gratia mortales matrimonium ineunt, e lecto se corripiens surgere voluit, hunc ubi sponsa rogasset, quonam abiturus esset? clavam se allaturum respondit, qua sanctae et numquam attritae suae rimulae cuneum facilius intrudere posset, at illa sponsum lacertis complexa ob nimiam simplicitatem, crimen inconsulte fassa detinuit. Siste (inquit) pedem.

Once a rustic had betrothed his daughter to a rustic, and when on the first night he wished to unbuckle his wife’s cestus, for the sake of which mortals enter matrimony, snatching himself from the bed he wanted to rise; when the bride asked him whither he was about to go, he replied that he would bring a club, with which he might more easily intrude a wedge into the little fissure of her sacred and never-attrited one; but she, having embraced the bridegroom with her arms, out of excessive simplicity, having rashly confessed the offense, held him back. Stop (she said) your foot.

Clava tibi nequaquam opus est. Servus enim patris mei ante triennium ad eam rem clava non indiguit. Haec Brassicanus.

You have by no means any need of a club. For my father’s servant, three years ago, for that matter did not need a club. So says Brassicanus.

De rustica praefecti uxore.

On the rustic wife of the prefect.

Quidam rusticorum praefectus cum esset creatus, novam melotam, seu pelliceam vestem uxori comparavit. Illa die dominico, tam novae vestis quam magistratus mariti honore superba, cum templum esset ingressa, pellibus inversis, capiteque elato et superbo, surrexerunt omnes homines, ob evangelii quod tunc legebatur reverentiam, quod illa in suum honorem interpretabatur, quare pristinae sortis recordata, dixit Sitzet still. ich denck vuoll das ich ouch arm vuar.

When a certain prefect of the rustics had been appointed, he procured for his wife a new melote, that is, a fur garment. She, on the Lord’s day, proud both of the new garment and of her husband’s magistracy, when she had entered the temple, the pelts reversed and her head raised and proud, all the men rose, out of reverence for the Gospel which was then being read—something she interpreted as in her own honor—wherefore, remembering her former lot, she said: “Sit still. I remember well that I too was poor.”

id est. Sedete, memini enim? et me fuisse olim pauperem.

that is: Sit still; for I remember that I too was once poor.

De quodam crimina non carmina faciente.

On a certain man committing crimes, not composing poems.

Egolffus de Riethaim toga et militia clarissimus, eques auratus cum in pago Vualensi, ubi habitabat, pulcherrimum et magnis impensis templum construxisset, opera et industria cuiusdam sollertissimi artificis Burchardi Augustensis, supervenit quidam Poeta, suo iudicio non ineptus, qui infra scriptos versiculos in laudem equitis et artificis, maximo calore Apollinis afflatus cecinit, Virgilium ipsamque antiquitatem provocantes.

Egolffus of Riethaim, most illustrious in toga and in military service, a golden‑spurred knight, when in the Vualensian district, where he dwelt, he had constructed a most beautiful temple at great expense, by the work and industry of a certain most skillful artificer, Burchard of Augsburg, there arrived a certain Poet, in his own judgment not inept, who, inspired with the greatest heat of Apollo, sang the little verses written below in praise of the knight and the craftsman, challenging Virgil and antiquity itself.

Construxit templum miles inclitus illud Egolffus
Von Riethaim senis centumque quindecim.
Hoc quicumque vides, artes huius conspice viri
Artificis Burckardi, petiere orare deum.

The illustrious soldier Egolffus constructed that temple
Von Riethaim, in 1615.
Whoever sees this, behold the arts of this man,
of the artificer Burckard; they sought to pray to God.

De rustico confitente, et de aliis rusticis.

On the rustic confessing, and on other rustics.

Quidam rusticus cum nimis incomposite et inepte, peccata sua sacerdoti enumeraret, correptus ab illo de negligentia et inscitia tam salutaris confessionis. Respondit, se huic rei non magnam operam impendisse, ob eam maxime causam, quia ea arte (putans confessionem) nec possit, nec velit vivere et se nutrire. Alius rusticus exiens sacram aedem obvium habuit alium quendam rusticum, a quo quaesitus an corpus Christi esset elevatum, ut dicitur.

A certain rustic, when he was very disjointedly and ineptly enumerating his sins to the priest, was rebuked by him for negligence and ignorance of so salutary a confession. He replied that he had not expended great effort on this matter, chiefly for this reason: because by that art (thinking confession) he could neither be able, nor wish, to live and nourish himself. Another rustic, going out of the sacred edifice, met a certain other rustic, by whom he was asked whether the body of Christ had been elevated, as they say.

Nescio inquit. tam levium enim et parvarum rerum nulla me cura tangit. Alius mihi notus in cena domini eucharistiam sumpturus, cum casu vidisset tibicinem, qui stultificis et bacchanalibus diebus ad choreas cecinisset, ad hunc in accessu ad altare tacite dixit.

"I do not know," he said. For the care of such light and very small matters touches me not at all. Another man known to me, at the Lord’s Supper about to take the Eucharist, when by chance he had seen a piper, who on fool‑making and Bacchanalian days had played for dances, to him, in the approach to the altar, he quietly said.

O Conrade quam dissolutam et lascivam vitam post pasca instituemus, suam religionem declarans.

O Conrad, how dissolute and lascivious a life we shall establish after Easter, declaring his own religion.

De quodam Hechingensi.

On a certain man of Hechingen.

Quidam Hechingensis cum quibusdam regulis ad terram sanctam peregrinatur. Et cum Rhodi appulissent, fratresque ordinis omnium regionum Christianarum alumni, rei novitate et advenarum videndorum, ut fit, gratia advolarent, prosiliit ille in medium, atque inquit. Non est uspiam inter vos bonus aliquis socius ex Hechinga.

A certain man of Hechingen was making a pilgrimage to the Holy Land with some regulars. And when they had put in at Rhodes, and the brothers of the Order, alumni from all the regions of Christendom, flew to them for the sake of the novelty of the affair and of seeing the newcomers, as happens, he sprang into the midst and said: There is nowhere among you some good companion from Hechinga.

factum satis ridendum. Sed nunc in Marpach oppidulo dicuntur esse boni socii.

a quite laughable affair. But now in the little town of Marpach they are said to be good companions.

Nescio quo proverbio.

In I-know-not-what proverb.

De Vuolfgango Australi mendico et scurra.

On Wolfgang the Austrian, a mendicant and a jester.

Vuolfgangus Australis dum semel in aedibus cuiusdam rustici super duro scamno pernoctasset, et surgens mane pennam sive plumam anserinam in crinibus invenisset. Heu quam duriter inquit et pessime super unica penna hac nocte quievi, quomodo cum illis agitur qui saepissime super mille vel pluribus plumis requiescunt. Idem cum olim acerrime obiurgaretur a quodam nobili viro, quod tibi - alia ab eodem sibi donata vendidisset.

Wolfgang the Austrian, when once he had spent the night in the house of a certain rustic upon a hard bench, and, rising in the morning, had found a goose quill or anserine feather in his hair, "Alas," he says, "how harshly and most badly I rested this night upon a single feather; how is it with those who very often repose upon a thousand or more feathers?" The same man, when once he was being most sharply scolded by a certain nobleman, because to you - other items given to him by that same man - he had sold.

Respondit. et quomodo ego servarem illa, cum tu tibi propria servare non potueris? Idem dictitabat se ubique esse aulicum.

He replied. And how could I preserve those things, when you have not been able to preserve what is your own? The same man kept saying that he was everywhere a courtier (aulic).

Vuan man sech in lieber im hoff vuan im haus. Hoc est. Nam libentius eum homines in vestibulo domus quam in domo viderent.

When men liked to see him better in the court than in the house. That is: For men would more willingly see him in the vestibule of the house than in the house.

Vestibulum autem et aula eiusdem vocis sunt, et unius nominis in lingua nostra vernacula Idem se longe ditiorem suo patre esse affirmabat. Vuann sein vatter het vuoll funfftzig gulden verzinst, die het er all abgelost. hoc est.

The vestibule, however, and the aula are of the same word, and of one name in our vernacular tongue The same man affirmed himself to be far richer than his father. When his father had a full fifty guilders bearing interest, he had redeemed them all. that is.

Nam pater suus nomine tributi et pensionis ex bonis suis quinquaginta aureos quotannis dederit, quos omnes ipse dissolverit, dum se decoxisse, bonaque paterna gula absumpsisse vellet testari. Idem cum rogaretur a quodam rustica ut vaccam eius aegrotantem sanaret, dedit ille chartulam rusticae, in qua characteres aliquos simulabat se pinxisse, illamque collo vaccae appendi iussit, sumptisque septem nummis aufugit. Mulier se delusam opinata, uti erat, vacca enim non convalescebat, chartulam sacerdoti alicui legendam praebuit, in qua scriptum erat.

For his father, under the name of tribute and pension, had given annually from his goods fifty aurei, all of which he himself had discharged, while he wished, as though to testify, that he had gone bankrupt and had consumed his paternal goods by gluttony. The same man, when he was asked by a certain countrywoman to heal her ailing cow, gave the countrywoman a little paper, on which he pretended to have painted some characters, and he ordered it to be appended to the cow’s neck; and, having taken seven coins, he made off. The woman, thinking herself deluded, as indeed she was (for the cow was not convalescing), offered the little paper to some priest to be read, in which it was written.

Ist du so gnist du. Ist du nit so gnist du nit. Siben pfennig ist mein gevuin, Blas mir in ars ich far do hin. hoc est.

If you are so, you get well; if you are not, you do not get well. Seven pennies is my profit; blow into my arse, I fare thither. that is.

Si comedes convalesces, si non comedes non convalesces. Septem nummi est lucrum meum. Linge mihi culum ego discedo.

If you eat you will convalesce, if you do not eat you will not convalesce. Seven coins are my lucre. Lick my arse, I depart.

De imperito sacerdote.

On the inexpert priest.

Sacerdos quidam Augustensis cum multas fabulas resque inanes et superstitiosas, atque apocrypha pro veris plebi contionatus esset, interrogatur in quibus id libris doctoribusque legisset, Respondit se non legisse, verum a carissima matre iam mortua saepius audivisse, quae mulier honesta et veridica fuisset habitaque ab omnibus mortalibus.

A certain priest of Augsburg, after he had harangued the plebs with many fables and inane and superstitious things, and apocrypha as though true, is asked in which books and by which teachers he had read that. He answered that he had not read it, but had very often heard it from his dearest mother, now dead, who had been held by all mortals to be an honest and veridical woman.

De quodam versificatore graecissante.

On a certain Grecizing versifier.

Olim fuit mihi sodalis non indoctus, ceterum ad carmen sine gratiis et venere, cuius dum nuper quosdam versiculos paucos legissemus, quorum initium cum tumidius antimacho diiudicaretur, finisque in ridiculum murem desineret, non sine Prisciani summa iniuria, dixit Henrichmannus meus. Hos versus nisi Sibylla legerit, alium neminem interpretari posse credo, sine manifestario soloecismo et barbarismo. Ad quod ego.

Once I had a companion not unlearned, but for verse without the Graces and Venus; while we had recently read a few little verses of his, whose beginning was adjudged somewhat more swollen than Antimachus, and whose end sank into a ridiculous mouse, not without the utmost injury to Priscian, my Henrichmannus said: “Unless a Sibyl reads these verses, I believe no one else can interpret them without manifest solecism and barbarism.” To which I.

Detis ei hanc veniam versuum. nunc enim animum adiecit ad elementa graeca, graecissatque strenue. Ibi alter admodum facetus, totusque in risum effusus dixit.

Grant to him this indulgence regarding the verses; for now he has applied his mind to the Greek elements, and he Grecizes strenuously. Thereupon another, quite facetious, and wholly effused into laughter, said.

Ist er von Graezinga? Ich mein im geschech vuie mir. vuan mir ist ietz das latin erleidet, ich vuill auch kriechesch lernen.

Is he Graecizing? I mean it befalls him as it does me; since Latin is now endured by me, I too want to learn Greek.

Hoc est. Estne graezingensis. (Est enim Graecinga oppidulum non procula Tubinga septem forsan milibus passuum) verum illi ut mihi contigisse credo.

That’s it. Is he a Graecingan? (For Graecinga is a little town not far from Tubinga, perhaps 7 miles.) but I believe it has befallen him as it did me.

Sordet enim, atque fastidio etiam est mihi nunc lingua latina, credo nos nunc graecissaturos.

For it is sordid, and even a disgust to me now, the Latin tongue; I believe we are now going to Grecize.

De quibusdam iudicibus.

On certain judges.

Quidam mihi notus, semel cum litem perdidisset in iudicio, dixit ad iudices. Iam nunc saepius litigavi apud vos, et semper succubui. quod si tu praefecte esses pater meus, ceterique iudices omnes mei fratres, sperarem et me aliquando sententiam apud vos obtenturum.

A certain man known to me, when once he had lost a lawsuit in court, said to the judges. By now I have litigated more often before you, and I have always succumbed. But if you, Prefect, were my father, and all the other judges my brothers, I would hope that I too would sometime obtain a sentence before you.

Tam magnos aculeos, atque incitamentum credidit habere favorem vel odium in utramque partem. Et ita profecto est, ut favor etiam in spectato viro totis viribus, velisque et remis, ut dicitur, etiam nobis non sentientibus eat in mitiorem, melioremque sententiam. E contrario odium nihil non asperum iudicet.

He believed that favor or odium have such great stings and an incitement on either side. And so indeed it is, that favor, even toward a proven man, with all its forces, and “with sails and oars,” as they say, even we ourselves not perceiving it, goes over into a milder and better judgment. By contrast, odium judges nothing not harsh.

De Iudaeo baptisato.

On a baptized Jew.

De duritia et pertinacia Iudaeorum, veterum temporum plura monumenta extant, nostris vero temporibus ab eorum maioribus raro degenerant, adeo ut hii qui aliquando abiurata gentili fide ad Christianam transierint, vix unus aut alter bene et perseveranter credant. Quod ideo dixi. Fuit unus in Dillinga oppidulo, qui suscepta fide cum cogeretur Christiano natali diutius in matutinis laudibus tempore gelidissimo stare, reversus domum dixit.

Concerning the hardness and pertinacity of the Jews, many monuments of former times exist; but in our own times they rarely degenerate from their ancestors, to such a degree that those who at some time, their ancestral faith abjured, have crossed over to the Christian, scarcely one or another believes rightly and perseveringly. I have said this for that reason. There was one in the little town of Dillingen who, after undertaking the faith, when he was compelled on the Christian Nativity to stand for a rather long time at the morning praises in the most icy weather, having returned home said.

Si unico puero tam sumus occupati, si beata virgo (quam inhonesto nomine appellavit) adhuc alium filium peperisset, totus mundus, atque noctes in eorum ministerio fuisset detentus, atque mancipatus. Sed ob dehonestationem sacratissimae virginis in aqua fuit submersus, atque suffocatus, iustam perfidiae mercedem consecutus.

If for a single child we are so occupied, if the blessed Virgin (whom he called by a dishonorable name) had borne yet another son, the whole world, and the nights as well, would have been detained and enslaved in their service. But on account of the dishonoring of the most sacred Virgin he was submerged in the water and suffocated, obtaining the just recompense of his perfidy.

De Conrado Pocherio morione.

On Conrad Pocher, the jester.

Palatinus Rheni morionem et fatuum secum habebat in deliciis, cognomento Pocherium. Ille adolescens priusquam stultitia eius esset hominibus explorata, pecoribus custodiendis erat praepositus. qui cum haberet secum comitem adolescentiorem, curvavit semel truncum arboris, huicque puerum appendit.

The Palatine of the Rhine kept with him in high favor a jester and fool, by the cognomen Pocherius. That youth, before his stupidity had been discovered by people, had been put in charge of guarding the herds. And when he had with him a younger companion, he once bent the trunk of a tree, and hung the boy to it.

Interim vero procurante id satana, ut existimandum est, turba in pecore facta est, ut Pocherio compositore opus esset. qui cum ad pecus abiens puerum in trunco appensum reliquisset, reversus, truncum invenit renisum sursumque ductum, puerum exanimasse. domum rediens noctu sine comite, dicit se illum suspendisse.

Meanwhile indeed, with Satan procuring this, as is to be supposed, a turmoil arose among the herd, so that there was need of Pocherio as “compositor,” a pacifier. He, when going off to the herd, had left the boy hanging on the trunk; returning, he found the trunk recoiled and drawn upward, that it had killed the boy. Returning home by night without a companion, he says that he hanged him.

Tandem vinculis addictus, nullam aliam causam attulit sui facti, nisi quia puer fuerit scabiosus. In proximo autem principum conuentu Augustae, ego ipse audivi quod diceret, bene cum eo actum, quod hodie cogeretur esse bubulcus, si viveret. tali vero miseria esse suspendio liberatum.

At length consigned to bonds, he put forward no other cause for his deed, except that the boy had been scabby. And at the next convention of the princes at Augsburg, I myself heard him say that it had gone well with him, in that today he would be compelled to be a cowherd, if he were alive; that from such misery he had been freed by hanging.

Quod et nunc proverbium est in scabiosos, ut dicamus. Cave a Pocherio, alioqui te suspendet.

Which even now is a proverb against the scabby, as we say. Beware of Pocherio, otherwise he will hang you.

De eodem.

Concerning the same.

Idem quorundam nobilium pascebat boves, et cum vidisset illos equis, quo elegantiores, instructioresque ad bellum haberentur caudas rescindere, ipse quam primum in campum venisset, omnibus vaccis et bobus idem fecit. et onustus caudis, domum noctu laetus repedavit, ob eamque rem obiurgatus, dixit se aeque ac dominos, eleganti et pulchro pecore gaudere.

The same man used to pasture the oxen of certain nobles, and when he had seen them cut off the tails of their horses, so that they might be considered more elegant and better equipped for war, he himself, as soon as he had come into the field, did the same to all the cows and oxen. And, laden with tails, he happily returned home by night, and being scolded for this matter, said that he, equally with the masters, rejoiced in elegant and beautiful livestock.

De Petro Maier.

On Peter Maier.

Petrus Maier Ingstettensis. cum semel in Caupona casulae infra arcem Iustingensem, eius atque alterius manibus apprehensis dixissem. Ego vos in matrimonium coniungo, homo admodum simplex retraxit manum indignanter, meque obiurgans.

Peter Maier of Ingstetten. When once, in the inn of a little cottage beneath the citadel of Justingen, after I had taken his and the other’s hands and had said, “I join you in matrimony,” the man, quite simple, indignantly drew back his hand and rebuked me.

Non est tutum, inquit, in tam seria re iocari, praesens enim~ esset multa episcopi, cuius avaritia inquirit minora delicta. Credebat enim divortio, et episcopi auctoritate opus esse.

“It is not safe,” he said, “to joke in so serious a matter; for the bishop’s fine would be imminent, whose avarice pries into lesser offenses. For he believed that there was need of a divorce, and of the bishop’s authority.”

De praedonibus.

On robbers.

Praedari et latrocinari, nec apud maiores nostros infame, nec hodie apud quosdam nobiles flagitiosum visum, quam sit contra humani generis societatem atque amicitiam, contra ius naturale, divinum, civile, et gentium, prodidi in controversia scientae et ignorantiae. Itemque in re publica mea Bevuindana, quam nunc in manibus habeo. Illius vero praedationis cum nuper quidam nobilis esset reprehensus, respondit lepide.

To plunder and to engage in brigandage—neither among our ancestors was it infamous, nor today among certain nobles has it seemed scandalous—how contrary it is to the society and friendship of the human race, against natural, divine, civil, and the law of nations, I have set forth in the Controversy of Science and Ignorance; likewise in my Bevuindanan Commonwealth, which I now have in hand. But when a certain noble was lately reproved for that predation, he replied wittily.

Bonum est esse praedones in terris, atque salutiferum. Nemini enim dubium est quin mercatores saepe plus fenore quam iustis contractibus, magnis opibus locupletentur, ita ut non facile beatorum sedibus dignarentur ab omnipotente nisi nos eorum usuras auferendo faceremus eorum delicta leviora, unde tandem possent ingredi regnum caelorum.

It is good to be plunderers on earth, and salutiferous. For to no one is it doubtful that merchants often are enriched with great wealth more by usury than by just contracts, so that they would not easily be deemed worthy by the Omnipotent of the abodes of the blessed, unless we, by removing their usury, made their delicts lighter, whence at last they might be able to enter the kingdom of heaven.

De incomposito rustico.

On the ill-composed rustic.

Mulier quaedam nobilis, incompositum robustumque rusticum ad se admisit, nocturnis illius nuptiis satianda, rusticus vero cum plus somno quam Venere caperetur, non nisi prope diem evigilavit, quem mulier ad opus nocturnum perficiendum, quoniam dies appropinquaret, operariisque immunitatem praestaret ut admoneret, annulum in digitis cir cum agendo, dixit, articuli frigescunt, strictioresque sunt, credo diem prope adesse. ad hoc insulsus rusticus. Vera dicis o domina.

A certain noble woman admitted to herself an unkempt and robust rustic, to be satisfied by his nocturnal nuptials; but the rustic, since he was taken more by sleep than by Venus, did not awaken except near daybreak; the woman, in order to have the nocturnal work finished, since day was drawing near, and that she might grant the workmen an exemption, to admonish him, said, running a ring around on her fingers, The joints are growing cold, and are tighter; I think day is near. To this the witless rustic: You speak true, O lady.

nam et ego libenter vellem merdare, quod signum ipse habebat adventantis aurorae.

for I too would gladly wish to defecate, which he himself had as a sign of the approaching dawn.

De monachis et nobilibus.

On monks and nobles.

Intercessi olim Ulmae pro quodam monacho apud suum praefectum, (quem ipsi vulgo praelatum vocitant) ut liceret ei concedere ad aliquod gymnasium, quo commodius litteris quibus impense delectabatur insudare posset. Respondit mihi ille praefectus, eum satis doctum esse. periculosam dictitans in monacho eruditionem, quae eum inflaret, rebellemque exinde efficeret.

I once interceded at Ulm on behalf of a certain monk with his prefect (whom they commonly call a prelate), that it might be permitted to concede him to some gymnasium, where he could more conveniently sweat over the letters in which he was intensely delighted. That prefect replied to me that he was learned enough, declaring erudition dangerous in a monk, which would inflate him and thereby make him a rebel.

Ego hanc vocem detestandam existimans. Non ita sunt, dixi, monasteria instituta. non ea mens antiquorum patrum, qui non minus doctrina quam sanctitate claruerunt, ut in eorum bibliothecis veteribus, librisque ab eis editis videre licet.

I, judging this utterance detestable. Not thus, I said, were monasteries instituted. not such the mind of the ancient fathers, who were illustrious no less for doctrine than for sanctity, as one may see in their ancient libraries and in the books issued by them.

Sed cum nihil profecerim verbis meis, obticui, recordatus scribarum et pharisaeorum, qui cum satis divites essent in templo, sacrificiis et caerimoniis, dimissis bonorum morum praeceptis, solum ad caerimonialia et avaritiam conversi, totam Iudaeam secum traxerunt ad interitum. Subibat item recordatio pulcherrimae disputationis inter nobilem quendam et monachum habitae, dum in convivio Tubingae essemus, Baccho auctore, in laetitiam plus aequo effusiores, ubi nobilis libere monacho obiecit, nunc eorum sanctitatem, eruditionem, frugalitatem, in meram superbiam, avaritiam, luxuriam fuisse commutata. ideoque non mireris patre bone, inquit, si saeculares, si principes, si nobiles odio habent religiosos.

But since I had accomplished nothing with my words, I kept silent, recalling the scribes and Pharisees, who, though quite wealthy in the temple, in sacrifices and ceremonies, with the precepts of good morals dismissed, turned themselves solely to ceremonial things and to avarice, and dragged all Judaea with them to destruction. There also came to mind the recollection of a most beautiful disputation held between a certain nobleman and a monk, while we were at a banquet in Tübingen, with Bacchus as the instigator, being poured out into gladness beyond what was due; where the nobleman freely charged the monk that now their sanctity, erudition, and frugality had been changed into mere pride, avarice, and luxury. Therefore, do not wonder, good father, he said, if seculars, if princes, if nobles hold the religious in hatred.

quia pro virtutibus in eorum cucullos irrepserint prava vitia, nec nunc ratio bene vivendi apud eos habeatur, sed habendi plurima. et cum olim monachi bene honesteque vixerint, fuisse animatos nobiles et principes huius saeculi ut instituerent, fundarentque monasteria, institutaque bonis et possessionibus largiter donarent. Nunc vero in animo illorum esse monasteria diruere, pinguibusque eorum bonis frui et abuti.

because, in place of virtues, depraved vices have crept into their cowls, and now among them no rule of living well is held, but of having a great many things. And whereas once the monks lived well and honorably, the nobles and princes of this age were animated to institute and to found monasteries, and to endow the institutions with goods and possessions lavishly. Now indeed it is in their mind to demolish the monasteries, and to enjoy and abuse their rich goods.

quid soli habeant divitias, et cum iis prave vivant. quod facillime fiat, frugalitatem et temperantiam raro abundantia gignat. principibus vero intolerabile visum, quod solum de bonis Christi et pauperum viventes deberent temperatius nobis exemplo esse.

why they alone should have riches, and live perversely with them. which comes about most easily, since abundance rarely begets frugality and temperance. but to princes it seemed intolerable that those living solely from the goods of Christ and of the poor ought to be more temperate, as an example to us.

Ad quod monachus libere cor dateque respondit. Non nego tempore vetusto et meliori, probiores fuisse monachos, quorum virtutibus et religione permoti principes huius saeculi liberalissime eos tractaverint sed tunc etiam et tempore illo principes et nobiles, multo fuerunt ad religionem proniores et probiores quam nunc sint. Verum itaque est quod nostris temporibus, et senescente iam saeculo monachi multo peiores sint quam antiquitus.

To which the monk responded freely and wholeheartedly: I do not deny that in an older and better time the monks were more upright, and that, moved by their virtues and religion, the princes of this age treated them most liberally; but then also, in that time, the princes and nobles were much more inclined to religion and more upright than they are now. Therefore it is true that in our times, with the age now growing old, the monks are much worse than of old.

Illud tamen commune vitium est omnium ordinum et conditionum, quod nemo, sive pauper sive dives, sacer vel profanus, sui ordinis et conditionis priscam severitatem retineat. proinde nec vos nobiles, nec vester ordo nos inculpet, aut in alterum primum lapidem iacere potest. Sed inprudenter nobis obiicis divitias.

That, however, is the common vice of all orders and conditions: that no one, whether poor or rich, sacred or profane, retains the ancient severity of his own order and condition. Accordingly neither you nobles nor your order should blame us, nor can it cast the first stone at another. But you imprudently reproach us with riches.

sumus enim diligentes rerum nostrarum procuratores. vos cum omnia ludo, libidine luxuria amisistis, vultis nostris abuti bonis, uter igitur melior?

for we are diligent procurators of our own affairs. you, since you have lost everything through play, lust, and luxury, wish to abuse our goods; which, therefore, is better?

Iocus nautae in ebrium.

A sailor’s joke on a drunk.

Ebrius quidam cum aliis multis lacum alemannum seu Potamium traiecit, ac in prora paulum obdormiscens, in lacum est praecipitatus. socii autem illius cum clamarent, ut navem sisteret navita, quoniam ebrius in lacum decidisset. Ille dissimulavit aliquamdiu, surdisque auribus lacum sulcavit.

A certain drunkard, together with many others, crossed the Alemannic lake, or Potamium, and, dozing a little in the prow, was precipitated into the lake. But his companions kept shouting that the boatman should bring the ship to a stand, since the drunk had fallen into the lake. He, however, dissembled for some time, and with deaf ears furrowed the lake.

Tumultuantibus vero tandem omnibus ut sisteret, sineretque educi ebrium. Respondit ridicule. quam fatui estis, creditis hunc hominem aqua suffocari?

But when at last all were in tumult that he should halt and allow the drunkard to be drawn out, he replied ridiculously: How foolish you are; do you believe this man is being suffocated by water?

Acclamantibus illis, iam fere actum de vita eius, nisi subveniret confestim. Stultis inquit stultiores estis. Vino suffocatus aquam in nullam corporis partem admittit.

As they were shouting, his life was now almost forfeit, unless help came at once. “Fools,” he says, “you are more foolish. Suffocated by wine, he admits water into no part of his body.”

Fabula Hieronymi Emser, secretarii Georgii ducis Saxoniae.

The Fable of Hieronymus Emser, secretary of George, duke of Saxony.

Proverbium est apud nos. Ede interim etiam olus. in eos qui carnes sibi devorant, olus contemnunt.

A proverb is among us. In the interim, eat vegetables too. in those who devour meats for themselves, while contemning vegetables.

Hoc inde trahit originem. Filiam olim mater quaedam rogavit, quomodo gener eam tractaret. an nuptiis etiam nocturnis eam exhilararet?

This derives its origin from that. A certain mother once asked her daughter how her son-in-law treated her—whether in the nocturnal nuptials he even exhilarated her.

Respondit filia. nequaquam. nisi quod manibus mihi uterum palpat.

The daughter responded. by no means. except that with his hands he palpates my uterus.

Tunc mater. Postquam, inquit, iterum te taliter palpaverit, exclama myon, ea enim vox felium (quos vulgo cattos vocamus) exsistit. si dixerit quid vis catelle?

Then the mother. After, she says, he has thus palpated you again, cry out myon, for that is the voice of felines (whom we commonly call cats). if he says what do you want, little dog?

dicas. carnem in carnarium meum. ein flaischlin in main tetzlin.

say. meat into my larder. a little meat into my little pouch.

tunc intelliget, quid velis, teque torali munere imbuet. Nocte postridiana maritus uxorem palpitavit, more solito, illa vero maternum consilium exequitur. tandem maritus uxoris voluntatem expertus, ad debitum solvendum se strenuum praestitit.

then he will understand what you want, and will imbue you with the service of the nuptial couch. On the following night the husband fondled his wife, in the usual manner; she, however, carries out her mother’s counsel. At length the husband, having learned his wife’s will, showed himself strenuous for discharging the debt.

Tandem vero immodica uxoris libidine fractus, atque defatigatus, coepit parcius in ea re militare, unde illa saepius clamavit myom. Et cum saepe saepius, et praeter modum repeteret vocem illam, coemit sibi maritus olusculum, positoque eo clam sub lecto. clamanti deinde uxori solita voce, olus adiecit dicens.

At length, however, broken and wearied by his wife’s immoderate lust, he began to “serve as a soldier” more sparingly in that matter, whence she more often cried out “myom.” And when more and more often, and beyond measure, she kept repeating that word, the husband bought himself a little vegetable, and, having placed it secretly under the bed, then to his wife crying in the accustomed voice, he added the vegetable, saying—

Fris ouch kraut mit vnder. id est. comede et interdum olus.

Eat also greens along with it. that is. eat also a vegetable from time to time.

quasi non possit eam semper carnibus pascere. Ex Lipsi quinta die Iunii. Anno domini.

as if he could not always feed her with flesh. From Leipzig, on the fifth day of June. In the year of the Lord.

M. D. VIII.

1508.

De eo qui puerum non suum accepit.

On him who accepted a boy not his own.

Quidam cum ei uxor in. xiii. hebdomadis ab eo tempore quando eam duxit puerum peperisset, primum recusavit suum agnoscere, tandem per sacerdotem et aedituum est persuasus, noctes etiam esse in partu computandas, unde tempus legitimum optime quadraret. Cum vero mater illius eum castigando, puerum vero parenti reddendum contenderet.

A certain man, when his wife had borne a boy within 13 weeks from the time when he married her, at first refused to acknowledge him as his own; at length, through the priest and the sacristan, he was persuaded that nights too are to be counted in childbirth, whence the lawful time would fit very well. But when his mother, by scolding him, maintained that the boy ought to be returned to his parent.

Non credam, inquit, sacerdoti nostro homini integerrimo? qui noctes etiam asserat in partu connumerandas ex sapientium (uti non dubito) consilio. praesertim cum nunc hiemis tempore noctes longissimae plus veniant quam dies considerandae, et profecto mater audi quantum et ego ratione valeam.

“Shall I not believe,” he says, “our priest, a man of the utmost integrity? He even asserts, on the counsel of the wise (as I do not doubt), that nights also are to be counted together in childbirth; especially since now, in the winter season, the very long nights come to be considered more than the days; and assuredly, mother, listen how much I too prevail by reason.”

ex longitudine enim noctium ego inveni, super legitimum aliquid etiam temporis superesse, adeo ut dolus omnis excludatur.

for from the length of the nights I have found that, beyond the legitimate time, there even remains some time over, to such a degree that all deceit is excluded.

De mendacio cuiusdam fratris contionatoris.

On the mendacity of a certain preaching brother.

Scripsi alibi non multum conferre ecclesiae, immo vero plerumque obesse quorundam contionatorum ineptias, qui cum habeant sacram et probatam scripturam, recurrunt ad fabulas aniles, quae ipsi exempla vocant, quibus non mediocre scandalum, hoc est offendiculum ponunt simplicibus. Ea enim astruunt suis exemplis, quae nec vera sunt, nec verisimilia, et quae deum auctorem supernaturaliter propter summam eorum ineptiam, et varietatem non merentur, Quod ideo dico. Nosco optime quendam casearium fratrem, qui ad imperitam plebem ita contionatus est.

I have written elsewhere that the ineptitudes of certain preachers do not contribute much to the church—nay rather, they for the most part hinder—who, though they have sacred and approved scripture, resort to old-wives’ tales, which they themselves call “exempla,” by which they set no small scandal, that is, a stumbling-block, before the simple. For they assert by their exempla things which are neither true nor verisimilar, and which, on account of their extreme ineptitude and variety, do not deserve God as author in a supernatural manner. I say this for this reason. I know full well a certain cheesemaker brother, who thus harangued the unlearned crowd.

Fideles Christi ut aeternae beatitudinis indeficiens gaudium intelligere possitis dabo vobis exemplum, et illud verissimum, quod uni ex patribus nostris contigit. Ille enim cum verno tempore floridam transiret silvam, melliflue audivit cantantem aviculam, cuius cantus dulcedine captus resedit, atque paulum temporis advertit, ut credebat, sed illud tempus quod iste vix horam iudicavit, quingentorum annorum spatium erat. Et cum ad conventum suorum fratrum rediret, neque quisquam illorum eum cognosceret, ipse vero omnes, admiratus rei novitatem dixit, singulos alloquendo.

Christ’s faithful, so that you may be able to understand the indeficient joy of eternal beatitude, I will give you an example—and that most true—which befell one of our fathers. For when he, in the springtime, was passing through a flowered forest, he heard a little bird singing mellifluously; and, captured by the sweetness of its song, he sat down, and he noticed a little time, as he believed; but that time which he judged scarcely an hour was a span of 500 years. And when he returned to the convent of his brothers, none of them recognized him, while he, however, recognized all; amazed at the novelty of the matter, he told it, addressing them one by one.

et quare me confratres carissimi non cognoscitis, ex qua re dixit. frater potestis vobiscum reputare, quantum sit gaudium in caelis, nec ullo tempore praescribendum, si fratri nostro avicula tantum tempus in horam parvam convertit. Ecce quam absurda.

and why, dearest fellow-brethren, do you not recognize me? from which matter he said. Brother, you can reckon with yourselves how great the joy is in heaven, and not to be prescribed by any time, if for our brother a little bird converted so great a span of time into a small hour. Behold how absurd.

Non videbat ineptissimus frater, non esse credibile ut omnes fratres adhuc viverent supra vitam humanam, et quod totus ordo suus tanto tempore non duraverit.

The most inept brother did not see that it was not credible that all the brothers were still living beyond the human span of life, and that his whole order had not endured for so long a time.

De tribus Bavaris.

On the three Bavarians.

Tres Bavari simul peregre profecti sunt gratia morum in alienis terris discendorum. venientesque in Germaniam inferiorem (ubi homines tam expedite curteque loquuntur, nimiumque celeriter verba pronuntiant, ut vix et aegre superiores Germani intelligant) civitati cuidam appropinquaverunt. praemittitur autem ab eis pro procurando hospitio, lautoque prandio instruendo, qui huius insuetae linguae peritissimus haberi voluit.

Three Bavarians together set out abroad for the sake of learning the customs in foreign lands. And coming into Lower Germany (where people speak so expeditiously and curtly, and pronounce words too rapidly, that the Upper Germans scarcely and with difficulty understand), they approached a certain city. Moreover, the one who wished to be considered most skilled in this unaccustomed language was sent ahead by them for procuring lodging and for arranging a sumptuous luncheon.

qui cum in urbem venisset, atque tarda sua lingua, imprimisque crassa et dura cum Caupone esset locutus plura, nihil tamem eorum intellexit caupo, quare dentes digitis demonstrans, comedendi aviditatem significavit. Caupo dolore dentium laborare eum existimans, mox ad medicum dentarium deduci iubet, ubi cum adhuc in dentibus monstrandis perseveraret. Medicus Cauponis sententia permotus, dentes duos illi evulsit radicitus.

who, when he had come into the city and, with his tardy tongue—especially thick and hard—had spoken many things with the innkeeper, the innkeeper nevertheless understood nothing of it; wherefore, pointing to his teeth with his fingers, he signified an avidity for eating. The innkeeper, supposing him to be laboring with pain of the teeth, straightway orders him to be led to a dental physician, where, since he still persisted in showing his teeth, the physician, moved by the innkeeper’s opinion, wrenched out two teeth for him by the roots.

quare indignabundus ille et tristis exiens civitatem, ad suos comites pervenit. quibus ait. O fratres carissimi per fidem meam consulo vobis ne hanc civitatem ingrediamini.

Wherefore that man, indignant and sad, going out of the city, came to his companions. To whom he said. O dearest brothers, by my faith I counsel you not to enter this city.

quam primum enim ad manducandum quippiam postulaveritis, dentes vobis omnes exturbabuntur. Mihi ut cernitis duo ob eam rem adempti sunt, qui nisi adeo peritus et edoctus fuissem in eorum lingua, iam totus edentulus ad vos rediissem. Illi boni homines stulto illius consilio permoti, ferme inedia confecti abierunt, suam Bavariam ieiuni repetentes.

for as soon as you will have requested something to eat, all your teeth will be expelled. As you see, two have been taken from me on that account; and unless I had been so expert and instructed in their language, by now I would have returned to you wholly toothless. Those good men, moved by that fellow’s foolish counsel, went away, almost exhausted by inedia, returning hungry to their Bavaria.

De eo qui multas cunas emerat.

On the one who had bought many cradles.

Quidam in Francia orientali, cui uxor, quam ante quattuor hebdomadas duxerat, cum peperisset filium, mox properavit ad quodam forum, ubi tot cunas emit, ut quadrigas impleret, atque domum rediens, cum interrogaretur quid vellent sibi tot cunae dixit. Opus habeo, si enim uxor mea tam fecunda est futura, ut in tam brevi tempore sit semper paritura, vix hae sufficient.

A certain man in eastern France, whose wife—whom he had married four weeks earlier—having borne a son, soon hurried to a certain market, where he bought so many cradles as to fill four-horse chariots; and, returning home, when he was asked what he wanted with so many cradles, he said: I have need; for if my wife is going to be so fecund that in so brief a time she will always be giving birth, scarcely will these suffice.

De pediculoso quodam.

On a certain louse-ridden man.

Quidam mihi notissimus philosophus, cum esset imprimis macer, quesitus a me cum tantum biberet et comederet quantum quisque pinguissimus, cur tam macilentus esset. Respondit. quia tantam familiam pasco proprio sanguine quantam Romanus imperator.

A certain philosopher very well known to me, since he was especially lean, when asked by me, although he drank and ate as much as any very fat person, why he was so gaunt. He replied. because I feed as large a household on my own blood as the Roman emperor.

significans pediculos qui eius corpus infestarent. Idem pediculos dicit suos esse custodes, qui non sinant eum diutius dormire. De eodem Idem interrogatus curnam potes tot pediculos pati.

indicating the lice which were infesting his body. The same man says that the lice are his guardians, who do not allow him to sleep any longer. Concerning the same man: the same, when asked, “why ever can you endure so many lice?”

Respondit quoniam misericordiam maximum opus in pauperes prae inopia exercere non possum, alo quadam misericordia pediculos, qui quotidie corpus meum corrodunt.

He answered: since I cannot exercise the greatest work of mercy toward the poor on account of want, I nourish, with a certain mercy, the lice who corrode my body daily.

Spiritus sanctus in columbae specie pingitur.

The Holy Spirit is depicted in the form of a dove.

Dum Christus in die ascensions iam esset in caelum elevatus dixit pater ad illum. Bene veneris (ut nostri homines salutare consueverunt) fili. Huic filius.

While Christ, on the day of the Ascension, had now been elevated into heaven, the Father said to him. Welcome (as our people are accustomed to greet), son. To him the Son.

Deo gratias pater carissime, mox pater subridens ait. Ego te fili remittam in terras ut rursus patiaris. Ad hoc filius.

Thanks be to God, most beloved Father, soon the Father, smiling, said: I will send you, son, back to the earth so that you may suffer again. To this the Son.

O patre mittas spiritum sactum, ut si eum nimio afficere velint dolore possit avolare. quia ille in specie columbae pingitur.

O Father, send the Holy Spirit, so that, if they should wish to affect him with excessive pain, he may be able to fly away; because he is painted in the species of a dove.

De Iosbarto Propheta merdoso.

On Iosbarto, the shit-stained Prophet.

Iosbartus, sive Iodocus barba Tubingae vaticinandi sibi arrogavit artem, de quo in carminibus nostris plura invenies, et de cuius gestis integri essent libri perscribendi. Ille ipse cum nimio rigore et singulari malitia uteretur erga uxorem suam, evenit ut clam illa ab eo aufugeret, atque apud Helvetios esse diceretur. Sed cum in ieiunio sacerdoti confitens, absolutionis beneficium non aliter obtinuisset, nisi uxorem quaereret, promisit se facturum, atque medio die accenso lumine exivit civitatem, atque non procul a portis, ubi erant congeries lignorum, anxie quaesivit illam, atque mox domum repetens convenit sacerdotem, seque suas egisse partes testatur, neque uspiam illam inventam, etiam si solito maiorem diligentiam in quaerendo adhibuerit accenso lumine.

Iosbartus, or Jodocus Barba of Tübingen, arrogated to himself the art of vaticination; about whom you will find more in our songs, and concerning whose deeds whole books would have to be written out. He himself, since he used excessive rigor and singular malice toward his wife, it came to pass that she secretly fled from him, and she was said to be among the Helvetians. But when, fasting, confessing to a priest, he would not otherwise have obtained the benefit of absolution unless he sought his wife, he promised he would do so, and at midday, with a light kindled, he left the city; and not far from the gates, where there were heaps of firewood, he anxiously sought her; and soon, returning home, he met the priest, and attests that he has done his part, and that he found her nowhere, even though he employed greater-than-usual diligence in searching, with a light kindled.

Sed ut quaereret eam ubi opus erat, induci non potuit.

But he could not be induced to seek her where there was need.

De puella quadam.

Concerning a certain girl.

Quidam minatus est puellae se ad eam noctu clam venturum. illa sub interminatione mortis prohibuit, quia cultrum sub lecto se collocaturam quo eum interimat testatur. Ille noctu veniens invenit eam iacentem, quae altum somnum finxerat.

A certain man threatened the girl that he would come to her clandestinely by night. She forbade him under the menace of death, because she attested that she would place a knife under the bed by which she might slay him. He, coming by night, found her lying down, who had feigned a deep sleep.

unde callide se simulaverat exiturum. cui exeunti, puella evigilanti similis dixit. Mane, quia non habeo cultellum.

whereupon he had cleverly simulated that he would go out. As he was going out, the girl, like one awakening, said: Wait, because I do not have the little knife.

De sacerdote ebrio.

On the inebriated priest.

Pagus est non procula Stutgardia. ubi cum pestis grassaretur, atque ex rusticis unus peste correptus, divinis sacramentis veniret providendus, convocatur sacerdos pagi, ut suum officium ageret, qui eo tempore tam immodico vino erat sepultus, ut lingue et pedum gubernamen amiserit. Ille cum rusticum accederet provisurus eum (ut more nostro loquar) accepit libellum baptisandorum puerorum, atque ad lectum aegroti assistens, diu compressa, ac blaesa voce quidam submurmurans, tandem ad id devenit, ut diceret (et quidem sonantiore voce) nominate puerum.

There is a village not far from Stuttgart, where, when the pestilence was raging, and one of the rustics, seized by the plague, had to be provided with the divine sacraments, the priest of the village is summoned to perform his office—who at that time was so buried in immoderate wine that he had lost the governance of tongue and feet. He, when he approached the rustic to provide for him (to speak in our manner), took up the booklet of boys-to-be-baptized, and, standing by the sick man’s bed, for a long time with a compressed and lisping voice muttering somewhat under his breath, at length came to this, that he said (and indeed with a louder voice), name the boy.

aegrotus ad se spectare quae dixisset sacerdos ratus, inquit. Lieber herr ich hais Vurmhenslin. hoc est.

the sick man, thinking that what the priest had said pertained to himself, says. Dear sir, I am called Vurmhenslin. that is.

mi domine ego vocor Ioannes vermiculus.

my lord, I am called John little-worm.

De fatuo cuiusdam principis.

On the fool of a certain prince.

Donatus quidam fatuus seu morio cuidam principi electori in Germania, cum saepe observantium oculos frustratus, et custodientium manibus elapsus profugisset, tandem comprehensus, principali conclavi mancipatur, ac aliquamdiu inclusus coepit ventris exonerandi molestia urgeri. Unde cum nec exitus pateret, nec vas aliquod in quod cacaret videret, in ocreas principis cacavit. Paulo post revertitur princeps, et ad venationem equitaturus induit illas, quas cum iniecto pede, foetore atque stercore plenas comperisset.

A certain fool, or jester, of a certain prince-elector in Germany, after he had often baffled the eyes of observers and slipped from the hands of the guards and fled, at last, being apprehended, is consigned to the prince’s chamber, and, shut in for some time, began to be pressed by the trouble of relieving his belly. Wherefore, since no exit lay open, nor did he see any vessel into which he might shit, he shat into the prince’s boots. A little later the prince returns, and, about to ride to the hunt, he put them on; but when, his foot thrust in, he discovered that they were full of fetor and excrement.

Fatue quis istud fecit, inquit? Ille confestim se nescire quis fecerit, et neque se fecisse asseverat. Tum princeps, et quis fecisse potest praeter te? cum nemo alius affuerit.

“Fool, who did this?” he said. He forthwith asseverates that he does not know who did it, and that he himself did not do it. Then the prince: “And who could have done it besides you, since no one else was present?”

Ad hoc fatuus. Oportet Regulum fecisse. Est enim Regulus omnium minima avicula, quae ibi in cavea detinebatur, quam fatuus incusavit, tam grande stercus egessisse.

To this the fool: It must have been the Regulus who did it. For the Regulus, the smallest little bird of all, was being kept there in a cage, which the fool accused of having voided such a great quantity of dung.

De eodem.

Concerning the same.

Idem cum iuxta Salam, memorabile apud historicos Germaniae flumen obequitaret, fuit interrogatus ab eo qui in adversa parte fluminis equitabat, ubi flumen vadari posset. Respondit. ubique bene.

The same man, when he was riding along near the Saale, a river memorable among the historians of Germany, was asked by one who was riding on the opposite side of the river where the river could be waded. He answered. everywhere well.

Ille autem verbis fatui fidem habens, cum in flumen equum adegisset, profunditate illius paene absorptus est, et cum tandem aegre flumen superasset, quaesivit indignanter, cur se decepisset? Ad hoc fatuus. O fatue et homo nihili.

But he, having given credence to the words of the fool, when he had driven his horse into the river, was almost swallowed up by its depth; and when at last he had with difficulty crossed the river, he asked indignantly why he had deceived him? To this the fool. O fool and a man of no account.

Anates ille huc ad me nataverunt illaesae, tam infirmum animal, et tu cum tanto caballo non potes?

Those ducks swam here to me unharmed, so infirm an animal, and you, with so great a horse, cannot?

De eodem.

Of the same.

Idem cum audiret apud principem suum quandam esse arcem (nisi fame ad deditionem compelleretur) inexpugnabilem. Cogitavit fatuus quomodo arcem expugnaret, atque triduo sub munimentis ante portas ieiunus delitescebat, et cum fame sua nihil proficeret, abiit tandem, principemque mendacii arguebat, qui arcem fame expugnandam censeret cum ipse paene fame confectus, nihil effecisset.

The same man, when he heard at his prince that there was a certain citadel which was inexpugnable (unless it were compelled to capitulation by hunger), the fool thought how he might storm the citadel, and for three days he, fasting, lay hidden under the defenses before the gates; and when with his own hunger he was making no progress, he went away at last and accused the prince of mendacity, for deeming that the citadel ought to be taken by famine, since he himself, almost consumed by hunger, had effected nothing.

De eodem.

Concerning the same.

Idem cum semel anserem incubantem interemisset, mox ipse ne ova deperirent incubationis officium assumpsit. quem cum alius inclamaret, expressit primum sibilum anseris, atque altero saepius clamante. noli, inquit, clamare, ne terrore afficias mihi ova, quo minus pullos producant.

The same man, when once he had slain a brooding goose, soon himself, lest the eggs perish, assumed the office of incubation. When another shouted at him, he first emitted the hiss of a goose, and as the other kept shouting more often: “Do not shout,” he says, “lest you afflict my eggs with terror, so that they produce fewer chicks.”

Dicuntur mihi multa alia facetissima de illo. quae nondum audire potui.

Many other most facetious things are reported to me about him. which I have not yet been able to hear.

De duobus fatuis.

On two fools.

Duo fratres fatui ex quercu pira decerpere cupientes. convenerunt ut unus ascenderet, atque concutiendo demitteret, alter sub arbore colligeret. Et cum alter diu concutiendo arborem, nihil proficeret (unde enim pira produceret quercus) conquestus est ille qui sub arbore erat quod frater omnia pira comederet, ut sibi nihil reliquum fieret.

Two foolish brothers, wishing to pluck pears from an oak. they agreed that one should climb and, by shaking, should let them fall, the other under the tree should gather them. And when the one, shaking the tree for a long time, was accomplishing nothing (for whence indeed would an oak produce pears), the one who was under the tree complained that his brother was eating all the pears, so that nothing was left for him.

e contrario alter super arbore conqueritur illum omnia quae ipse praecipitet pira devorare. unde ex summa contentione ad verbera deveniunt sed quomodo concordes facti sint, nondum habeo compertum.

On the contrary, the other, up in the tree, complains that he devours all the pears which he himself throws down. Whence, out of utmost contention, they come to blows; but how they were made concord—how they became reconciled—I have not yet ascertained.

Facetum rusticae puellae dictum.

A witty dictum of a rustic girl.

Quidam nobiles cis Neccharum Sueviae nostrae flumen praeteribant quasdam lotrices rusticas, quarum ob nimium frigus pedes rubebant. unde unus illorum cur tam rubent, inquit, pedes vestri? Respondit una rusticarum, quia ignem habemus in calcibus, Iterum ille.

Certain nobles, on this side of the Neckar, the river of our Swabia, were passing by some rustic washerwomen, whose feet were red on account of excessive cold. Whereupon one of them said, “Why are your feet so red?” One of the countrywomen replied, “Because we have fire in our heels.” Again he.

Rogo ergo ut accendas mihi hanc meam virgulam, educendo virilia. Cui rustica, reiectis post terga vestibus, clunes ostendens dixit. Age mi domine descende, et suffla mihi in culinam meam pro excitando igne, qui mihi iam extinctus est.

I ask therefore that you ignite for me this my little rod, by drawing out the virile parts. To this the countrywoman, with her garments cast behind her back, showing her buttocks, said: Come, my lord, come down, and blow for me into my kitchen for the exciting of the fire, which for me is now extinguished.

De sacerdote et moniali.

On the priest and the nun.

Quidam sacerdos mihi notissimus, et quem honoris gratia non nomino venit in monasterium virginum Vestalium Ille vecordis homo ingenii cum inter comessandum desiderio cacandi urgeretur, neque ausus desiderium suum significanter propriisque verbis patefacere, loquitur cuidam sibi vicinae, quae esset iam satis provectae aetatis, hisce verbis (ut exonerationem honeste circumloqueretur) ubi consumabo opus naturae. Illa se de stupro appellatam rata, primis mox precibus annuere nolebat, pudiceque negans dicebat. O tu es homo malus, sperans eum instantius petiturum.

A certain priest, very well known to me, and whom I do not name for the sake of honor, came into the monastery of the Vestal virgins. That man of a witless disposition, when during feasting he was pressed by a desire of defecating, and did not dare to lay open his desire explicitly and in his own words, spoke to a certain woman near him, who was already of quite advanced age, with these words (so that he might honorably circumlocute his discharge): “Where shall I consummate the work of nature?” She, thinking herself addressed about debauchery, did not wish to assent to the first entreaties at once, and, modestly refusing, kept saying, “O you are a bad man,” hoping that he would petition more insistently.

Ille iterum, atque iterum repetebat, necessitate urgente. Eia vere oportet me opus naturae perficere. Tandem illa cum satisfecisse honori ac pudicitiae visa esset, illum manu apprehensa in cubiculum deducit.

He again and again repeated, urgent necessity pressing: “Come now, it truly behooves me to complete the work of nature.” At length she, when she seemed to have satisfied honor and pudicity, having taken him by the hand, led him into the bedchamber.

Ille ad exonerandi ventris locum se deductum existimans, praeparat se. Ipsa vero stat ei morigeratura, et eo iterum repetente. ubi debeo perficere opus naturae? ipsa tandem se in lectum collocavit, seque denudavit, et cum se perperam intellectum sentiret sacerdos.

He, thinking himself led to a place for exonerating the belly, prepares himself. She, however, stands ready to oblige him; and he, repeating again, “Where ought I to complete the work of nature?” she at last placed herself on the bed and denuded herself; and when the priest perceived himself to have been misunderstood.

Ego vellem libenter rosas decerpere, inquit, Ita enim pueri apud nos docentur honeste petere exonerationem ventris. Illa vero maximo pudore perfusa, celeriter extra cubiculi limem transilit, ne ab eo cognosceretur. Ita ipse egressus, aliam sibi obviam percunctatur verbis vulgaribus et notissimis, et fit voti compos, hoc idem ipse sacerdos mihi retulit.

"I would gladly pluck roses," he says; "for thus boys among us are taught to decently request the evacuation of the belly." She, however, suffused with the greatest shame, quickly leaps outside the threshold of the bedchamber, lest she be recognized by him. Thus he, having gone out, questions another woman who meets him in the most common and most well-known words, and he obtains his wish; this same thing the priest himself related to me.

De quodam contionatore.

On a certain preacher.

Fuit quidam contionator in magno quodam oppido egregius persuadendi magister, et eloquii maiestate gratiosus, ceterum vitae perversae, et intemperantis. unde pusillis multum offendiculum (quod nostri scandalum ex graeco vocat) posuit, propterea quod ut Augustinus ait. omni oratione maius pondus habet vita dicentis.

There was a certain preacher in a certain great town, an outstanding master of persuasion, and winning favor by the majesty of his eloquence, but of a perverse and intemperate life. Whence he set a great stumbling-block for the little ones (which our people call “scandal” from the Greek), because, as Augustine says. the life of the speaker bears greater weight than any oration.

Et cum huius rei admoneretur, dicere solebat. se conductum. c. aureis singulis annis ut contionaretur.

And when he was admonished about this matter, he used to say that he was hired for 100 aurei each year to preach.

sed nec. cccc. accepturum ut quae doceret faceret.

but not even. 400. would he accept to do what he taught.

Cur rufi probi.

Why the red-haired are of probity.

Cum nuper rufo homini illuderem, quamque pravae existimationis rufi essent communi proverbio probarem. Respondit ille mihi. rufos esse omnium probissimos, eo maxime argumento, quod Christus deus solius rufi Iudae Iscariotis (quem rufum pingunt) osculo tangi sit dignatus.

Since recently I was mocking a red‑haired man, and was proving by a common proverb how of ill repute redheads are. He replied to me. that redheads are, of all, the most distinguished for probity, by this especially as an argument: that Christ God deigned to be touched by the kiss of Judas Iscariot alone, a redhead (whom they paint red‑haired).

De imperio mulierum in viros.

On the rule of women over men.

Est Tubingae quidam procerae staturae, cui est uxor parva, sed quae ei dominetur. Ille cum tribus atque societas sua in caupona convenisset cum uxoribus causa convivandi, atque publicae laetitiae habendae, coepit post cenam cum ceteris ludere in chartis lusoriis. uxor autem eius indignata quod vir luderet, accessit stomachosa, atque abrepta violenter viro pecunia, chartisque in terram praecipitatis, probrosis eum verbis dehonestavit, saepius repetens, veni mecum domum quod te diabolus auferat.

There is at Tübingen a certain man of tall stature, who has a small wife, but who lords it over him. When he, together with three others and his own company, had come together in an inn with their wives for the sake of dining together and of having public rejoicing, after dinner he began to play at the gaming-cards with the rest. But his wife, indignant that her husband was playing, approached choleric, and, the money having been violently snatched from the man, and the cards cast headlong to the ground, she dishonored him with opprobrious words, repeatedly saying, come home with me, that the devil may carry you off.

quod te dii perdant. quia nisi feceris cito, ego mei corporis copiam alicui ex litteratis faciam. Ad quod ille nihil aliud dicebat quam hoc.

may the gods destroy you. For unless you do so quickly, I will make my body available to someone from among the literati. To which he said nothing else than this.

O quam molestae sunt nobis mulieres. vel significantius. Ah quam decepit nos diabolus cum mulieribus.

O how troublesome women are to us. Or, more significantly: Ah, how the devil has deceived us with women.

Quod ego astans et audiens dixi. O quam virile verbum, et animi magni plenum dixit ille, quam bene vindicavit ab iniuria omnem virilitatis et fortis viri honorem ille. Quod nunc adeo apud nos est in proverbio, ut quicumque vir imperium mulieri concesserit dicatur loqui virile verbum contra uxorem.

Whereupon I, standing by and listening, said: O, what a virile word, and full of great spirit, he spoke; how well he vindicated from injury every honor of virility and of the valiant man. Which now has so far become a proverb among us, that whoever grants command to a woman is said to speak the “virile word” against his wife.

De puella deformi Georgius Vueselin.

On the deformed girl George Vueselin.

Duo deambulantes obviam habuerunt puellam parum venustam. qua visa dixit unus ad alterum ut puella audire posset. Quis illam virginem non iure pulchram affirmare posset?

Two men strolling met a girl not very comely. When she had been seen, one said to the other so that the girl could hear: Who could not rightly affirm that maiden to be beautiful?

Ad haec puella quae se derisam esse intelligebat, verum est, inquit, sed idem de te numquam affirmaret. Cui ipse. posset affirmare si quis mentiri vellet, uti ego de te sum mentitus.

At this the girl, who understood herself to have been derided, said, it is true, but the same would never affirm it about you. To this he himself. one could affirm it if someone wished to lie, as I have lied about you.

De adultera confitente.

On the adulteress confessing.

Quidam rusticus admiratione ductus, quidnam uxor sua esset confessura, se post sedilia sacerdotis occultavit. et cum illa confiteretur, inter cetera adulterii se crimine contaminatam, sacerdos finita confessione volens absolvere eam, primum incepit ab adulterio. Cui rusticus ex insidiis prosiliens.

A certain rustic, led by wonder as to what his wife was going to confess, hid himself behind the priest’s seats. And when she was confessing that, among other things, she had been contaminated by the crime of adultery, the priest, the confession finished, wishing to absolve her, first began with adultery. Whereupon the rustic, leaping forth from ambush.

Bone domine, dixit, ab aliis peccatis eam absolvas. ego enim ipse adulterii poenam ab ea exigam, ut nulla alia poenitentia opus sit.

"Good lord," he said, "absolve her from the other sins. For I myself will exact the penalty for adultery from her, so that no other penance is needed."

De imperio ancillarum in sacerdotes.

On the power of maidservants over priests.

Quidam contionator pascali die, iocoso dicterio, ut moris esse superius, declaravi, laetitiam et risum captare studens dixit. Si quis virorum domus suae imperium agat, ille incipiat primus carmen triumphale Christianae resurrectionis, et cum nemo id inciperet, et dominium domus sibi arrogaret, inceptit ipse ille sacerdos, dicens se nihil domi habere praeter felem, cuius ipse dominus esset. Futuro anno cum idem ad viros diceret eodem die.

A certain preacher on the Paschal day, with a jocose witticism—as I have declared above to be the custom—seeking to capture joy and laughter, said: If any of the men exercises the imperium of his own house, let him be the first to begin the triumphal song of the Christian Resurrection; and when no one began it, though he arrogated to himself the dominium of the house, that priest himself began, saying that he had nothing at home except a cat, of which he himself was the lord. With the year to come, when on the same day he said the same to the men.

nec adhuc inventus esset qui id de se iure. polliceri posset, nec ego, inquit, nunc incipiam. cum mihi domi sit ancilla, quae et ipsae habentur imperiosae in bonos sacerdotes.

nor had there yet been found one who could by right promise that of himself; “nor I,” he says, “will begin now, since I have at home a maidservant—who, as a class, are themselves held imperious toward good priests.”

De puella simplici.

On the simple girl.

Quaedam ancilla ab adolescentibus ad choream invitata, timens dominam, quae eius divagationi difficulter assentiretur, intravit fanum beatae virginis, atque ante illius imaginem genibus flexis suppliciter oravit beatam virginem, ut eius intercessione et auxilio apud dominam adeundae choreae impetraret veniam. Contigit autem ut casu intermitteretur chorea, unde puella consternata, suspirans dixit. O si hoc scivissem, preces meas dominae virgini effusas ad aliam rem reservassem.

A certain maidservant, invited by adolescents to a dance, fearing her mistress, who would hardly assent to her divagation, entered the shrine of the blessed Virgin, and before her image, with knees bent, she supplicantly prayed the blessed Virgin that by her intercession and aid she might obtain from her mistress leave for approaching the dance. It happened, moreover, that by chance the dance was interrupted; whereupon the girl, dismayed, sighing said. O if I had known this, I would have reserved the prayers poured out to the Lady Virgin for another matter.

Hoc factum esse testatur Georgius Vueselin Ramasianus et Schorndorffensis.

George Vueselin, of Ramasia and of Schorndorf, bears witness that this was done.

De insulso famulo.

On the foolish servant.

Quidam hospites venerabiles ad cenam invitavit. Et cum omnes consedissent, deerat sal. quod cum dominus vidisset, dixit servo structori et ministranti.

A certain man invited venerable guests to dinner. And when all had sat down, the salt was lacking. Which, when the master saw, he said to the servant, the table‑setter and ministrant.

Affer mihi scalas iuxta columbarium. quibus allatis dixit. Pone ad latus mensae.

Bring me the ladders near the dovecote. When these had been brought, he said. Put them at the side of the table.

quo facto dixit. ascende. Ille dum ascendisset.

which having been done, he said. ascend. He, when he had ascended.

Aspice inquit, quid mensae desit. famulus sal deesse conspiciens dixit. hoc sine scalis videre potuissem.

Look, he says, what is lacking for the table. the servant, perceiving that salt was lacking, said. this I could have seen without the ladders.

Ad hoc dominus. sed ut posthac diligentior solicitiorque sis, nunc te omnium ludibrio exposui.

To this the master. but so that hereafter you may be more diligent and more solicitous, I have now exposed you to the mockery of all.

De pediculoso.

On the louse-ridden man.

Philosophus pediculosus, mihi notissimus atque familiaris, cum vestes eius pediculis scaterent. ob idque a me obiurgaretur, dixit sibi non esse insolentes. sed audi, inquit, dum nuper ab Argentorato in ungariam concessissem, quae et ipsa ferax est illorum vermium, vidisses pulcherrimam pugnam Elsaticorum et Hungaricorum vermium in vestibus meis.

A louse-ridden philosopher, very well-known and familiar to me, when his clothes were swarming with lice. and on that account, being rebuked by me, said that they were not insolent toward him. “But listen,” said he, “when recently I had gone from Strasbourg into Hungary, which itself too is fertile in those vermin, you would have seen the most beautiful battle of Alsatian and Hungarian vermin in my garments.”

Nam ut ipse vidi, semper inter se dissidebant. Hungarici tamen praevaluerunt. maiores enim et caudati erant.

For, as I myself saw, they were always at variance among themselves. The Hungarian ones, however, prevailed. For they were larger and tailed.

De mercatore et adultera eius uxore.

On the merchant and his adulterous wife.

Erat Viennae in Austria mercatori diviti et senio confecti uxor omnium pulcherrima, liberique complusculi, quibus adhibuit praeceptorem scholasticum non vilioris formae. Morem autem iam multis annis hunc observavit, ut relicta domi uxore ipse mercator matutinis sacris quotidie interesset. unde viduo tam mane lecto uxoris, adulterandi cum adolescente praebuit occasionem, et cum id post aliquod tempus non levibus indiciis suspicari cogeretur, dissimulavit vir prudens suspicionem, donec quadam die in absentia uxoris, quae amicorum intererat convivio, opportunitatem esset nactus, Tunc enim remotis arbitris adolescenti edulia delicatiora, vinaque omnium plenissima apponens, iussit eum libere, largiterque comessari.

At Vienna in Austria there was to a rich merchant, worn out with old age, a wife most beautiful of all, and quite a number of children, for whom he employed a scholastic preceptor of no inferior form. A habit, moreover, he had observed for many years, that, leaving his wife at home, the merchant himself would attend the morning sacred rites daily. Whence, with the wife’s bed so early left widowed, she afforded an occasion for adulterating with the adolescent; and when after some time he was compelled by no slight indications to suspect this, the prudent husband dissembled his suspicion, until one day, in the absence of his wife, who was taking part in a banquet of friends, he had found an opportunity. For then, with witnesses removed, setting before the youth more delicate edibles and wines most full of every sort, he ordered him to feast freely and lavishly.

Cumque eum vino incalescentem, penitusque obrutum esse, adeo ut mentis inops factus fuerit, cerneret, his eum verbis allocutus est (non nescius iuxta verbum Plinii, vulgo iam olim vino attributam esse veritatem). Adolescens compertum habeo non vulgariter, te stupri commercium habere cum uxore mea. quod si mihi confiteberis libere, veniam et impunitatem tibi et illi condonabo. sin negaveris, non patiar diutius te mendacem mecum conversari.

And when he perceived him to be warmed with wine and utterly overwhelmed, to such a degree that he had become bereft of mind, he addressed him with these words (not unaware, according to the word of Pliny, that truth has long since been commonly attributed to wine). Young man, I have ascertained, not in ordinary fashion, that you have adulterous commerce with my wife. But if you will confess this to me freely, I will grant pardon and impunity to you and to her. But if you deny it, I will not suffer you, a liar, to associate with me any longer.

Confessus est adolescens, omnemque rei gestae seriem aperuit. Cui mercator. Bene fecisti, et rem aetati tuae congruam, et quanto post hac in ea re fortius insurrexeris, tanto rem mihi facies gratiorem.

The adolescent confessed, and laid open the entire series of the deed. To him the merchant said: “You have done well, and [done] a thing congruent to your age; and the more hereafter you rise up more stoutly in that matter, by so much the more you will make the thing gratifying to me.”

hoc unum tamem rogo, ut me ipsum Veneris tuae exortem relinquas Adolescens nihilominus ad tempus ab istituto abstinuit, donec indulgentia in eum mercatoris perspecta, timorem omnem deposuerit. Cum autem consuetum iter repetere coepisset, mercator huius rei explorator diligentissimus, idoneum nunc tempus adesse cernens, quo domesticae iniuriae finem imponeret, quodam mane infirmitatem simulans, non tam precibus quam minis apud uxorem obtinuit, ut ipsa vicario opere matutina sacra adiret. Quae cum exire vellet indignanti similis, magno fragore forium et impetu muliebri egressa est, non sine murmuratione, ut ita adolescentem experrectum, se, non maritum exisse commoneret.

this one thing, however, I ask: that you leave me myself without a share of your Venus. Nevertheless the youth for a time abstained from the established practice, until, the indulgence of the merchant toward him having been perceived, he laid aside all fear. But when he began to resume the accustomed journey, the merchant, a most diligent investigator of this matter, seeing that now a suitable time was at hand to impose an end to the domestic injury, one morning, feigning infirmity, prevailed with his wife—not so much by prayers as by threats—that she herself, by vicarious work, should go to the morning sacred rites. And when she was wishing to go out, like one indignant, she departed with a great crashing of the doors and with a womanly rush, not without murmuring, so as thus to give notice to the youth, now awakened, that she, not her husband, had gone out.

Ille vero altissimo somno oppressus, et sero evigilans, maritum ratus est abiisse, more solito, quare nescius doli in thalamum dominae properavit, atque educto pene, mercatorem est amplexus. qui furtim se illius amplexibus subtrahens, enormemque baculum quem ad hanc rem comparavit arripiens, in haec prorupit verba. O hominum nequissime nonne satis superque fuit, me meae uxoris potiundae tibi copiam fecisse?

He indeed, overwhelmed by a very deep sleep, and waking late, thought the husband had gone away, as was his wont; wherefore, ignorant of the deceit, he hastened into the lady’s bedchamber, and, with his penis drawn forth, embraced the merchant. He, stealthily withdrawing himself from his embraces, and seizing the enormous cudgel which he had procured for this business, burst out into these words: O most wicked of men, was it not enough, and more than enough, that I gave you the opportunity of enjoying my wife?

Vis ne mihi vim tuae libidinis inferre. quodne faceres post impunitatem delictorum tuorum tibi concessam, summamque meam in te indulgentiam, etiam atque etiam rogavi. et cum dicto baculum libravit, quo caput eius ita dedolavit, nec non et laterum compages, tam misere delumbavit, ut hunc semianimem in pavimento cubiculi consternatum relinqueret.

Do you wish to inflict upon me the violence of your lust? That you would do this after the impunity of your delicts granted to you, and my utmost indulgence toward you, I begged again and again. And with that he brandished the cudgel, with which he so hacked his head, and likewise the framework of his sides, so wretchedly broke his back, that he left him half-alive, prostrate on the floor of the bedchamber.

De rustico Leonardus Clemens.

Leonardus Clemens on the Rustic.

Quidam rusticus in pago Zvifuldensi cui nomen erat Baltassar Lotharius in proximo a Zvifulda pago fabellam narrabat, cui ut fides haberetur ita confirmavit. Nisi ita sit, auferat me diabolus, et mox conscius mendacii, et ita intra se territus reuocavit verba, atque. Absit, inquit, ut hoc pacto me hic devoveam.

A certain rustic in the Zvifuldan district, whose name was Baltassar Lotharius, was telling a little tale in a district near Zvifulda, and, that credence might be given it, he confirmed it thus: “Unless it be so, let the Devil carry me off.” And soon, conscious of the lie, and thus frightened within himself, he recalled his words, and said, “Far be it that I should here devote myself in this fashion.”

nescio enim quales apud vos hic sint diaboli, at illud scio, si domi et apud nos sic iurarem quia nostri daemones nihil mihi nocerent. De simplici rustico et aedituo. Vuernherus Maierius Monasteriensis.

for I do not know what sort of devils there are here among you, but this I know: if at home and among us I were to swear thus, that our demons would do me no harm. On a simple rustic and a sacristan. Vuernherus Maierius of Münster.

Rusticus quidam ad altare accedens gratia eucharistiae sumendae stupefactus. os aperire obliviscitur. ad quem sacerdos bis vel ter ait.

a certain rustic, approaching the altar for the sake of receiving the Eucharist, is stupefied. he forgets to open his mouth. to whom the priest says twice or thrice.

Aperi os, cum autem prae nimia simplicitate non animadverteret, aedituus indignabundus dixit. Aperi os quia diabolus tibi benedicat (ut nostris mos est) imprecandi alicui cibum vel aliud. quod ad maximum omnes risum incitasset.

“Open your mouth,” but when, out of excessive simplicity, he did not take notice, the sacristan, indignant, said, “Open your mouth, for the devil bless you” (as among us it is the custom in imprecating someone’s food or some other thing), which incited everyone to the greatest laughter.

nisi sacrum illud tempus vetuisset.

unless that sacred time had forbidden it.

De somnolento servo. Matthias kretz licentiaus.

On the somnolent servant. Matthias kretz licentiate.

Famulus quidam Cauponarius die quodam ad meridiem usque dormiebat, officiaque sua servilia negligebat omnia. ob quam rem pater familias iratus, magno tandem clamore eum expergefecit. cumque ille surrexisset, cur, inquit dominus, somnolente asine in tam longum diem dormis, et quae officii tui sunt non curas?

A certain inn-servant on a certain day slept all the way until midday, and was neglecting all his servile duties. For which reason the paterfamilias, angry, at last with a great shout roused him. And when he had gotten up, “Why,” said the master, “you somnolent ass, do you sleep so far into the day, and do you not care for the things that are of your office?”

Respondit famulus. Ego ante quattuordecim dies in balneo fui, unde mihi ignoscendum duco. Assolent enim, ut compertum est, homines post balnea gravissimo plerumque et longo quidem affici somno.

The servant replied: I was in the bath fourteen days ago, whence I consider I ought to be pardoned; for people, as it has been ascertained, are wont after baths for the most part to be affected by a very heavy and indeed prolonged sleep.

Id quod etiam mihi hodie contigit. Ad quod dominus O bone sodalis, si tam longo semper tempore postquam balneaveris te dormire oportet, non eris mihi idoneus servus, quare e vestigio te e domo alio proripias.

Which also befell me today. To this the master: O good fellow, if you must always sleep for so long a time after you have bathed, you will not be a fit servant for me; therefore, on the spot, wrench yourself away and out of the house to somewhere else.

Faceta cuiusdam invitatio.

A certain person's witty invitation.

Quidam volens invitare vicinum ad prandium, suaque opinione egregium hospitalitatis opus exercere, ita dixit. O bone vicine veni hodie in domum meam et mecum prande. si enim edulia tecum apportaveris, non nisi ad vini solutionem te compellam.

A certain man, wishing to invite his neighbor to luncheon, and in his own opinion to exercise an outstanding work of hospitality, spoke thus. O good neighbor, come today into my house and lunch with me. for if you bring victuals with you, I will compel you to nothing except the payment for the wine.

De faceta responsione cuiusdam studiosi Ioannes Romingius Mindulanus.

On the facetious response of a certain student. Johannes Romingius Mindulanus.

Quidam quaesitus in examine magistrorum cur canes sublato altero pede posteriori meierent, Respondit. ne sibi urina calciamenta contaminet.

A certain man, asked in the examination of the masters why dogs, with one hind foot raised, urinate, Answered. lest urine contaminate his shoes.

De ebrio.

On the Drunkard.

Quidam ebrius dum noctu iuxta aquas ex cannalibus profluentes minxisset, cum labentis aquae strepitum et murmura audiisset, continua nocte stetit, credens se urinam emittere, atque illius strepentis sonum audire.

A certain drunkard, when by night he had pissed beside waters flowing forth from the channels, on hearing the clatter and murmurs of the gliding water, stood the whole night through, believing that he was emitting urine and hearing the sound of that clattering.

Sequuntur nunc facetiae de ineptiis et ignorantia sacerdotum.

Now follow jests concerning the ineptitudes and the ignorance of the priests.

De quodam Ulmensi sacerdote. Leonartus Clemens.

Concerning a certain priest of Ulm. Leonartus Clemens.

Fuit Ulmae sacerdos indoctus et in re litteraria parum instructus. qui dum in commisso sibi sacello (quod situm est illic extra portam beatae virginis, tanto itinere quanto Calvarie locus, ubi Christus crucifixus est ab Hierosolymis distitisse fertur, proinde ad requiem dominicam dictum) in die Parasceves, ut fit, imaginem Christi crucifixi in sepulcrum in magna populi cum religione spectantis frequentia posuisset. acceptaque acerra sollicite cogitaret (nam nonnulli etiam sacerdotes aderant) qua oratione, quae ab illis collecta dicitur, inter thurificandum uti deberet, mox elata voce in ea verba prorupit (gaudens ut ipse putavit se optimum modum invenisse) Deus indulgentiarum domine da animae famuli tui summi pontificis, cuius primum depositionis diem hodie agimus, refrigerii sedem, quietis beatitudinem, et veri luminis claritatem etc.

There was at Ulm a priest unlearned and but little instructed in the matter of letters; who, while in the chapel committed to him (which is situated there outside the gate of the Blessed Virgin, at just such a distance as the place of Calvary, where Christ was crucified, is said to have been distant from Jerusalem, and hence called the Lord’s Rest), on the day of the Parasceve, as is customary, had placed the image of Christ crucified in the sepulcher, with a great throng of the people looking on with devotion. And, having taken up the incense-casket, he anxiously considered (for some priests were also present) what prayer, which by them is called the collect, he ought to use while censing; soon, with raised voice, he burst out into these words (rejoicing, as he supposed, that he had found the best method): God of mercies, O Lord, grant to the soul of your servant the supreme pontiff, whose first day of deposition we observe today, a seat of refreshment, the beatitude of rest, and the brightness of the true light, etc.

populo ob devotionem suspirante, sacerdotes ob sacerdotis ruditatem in summum sunt risum effusi.

while the people, out of devotion, were sighing, the priests, on account of the priest’s unskilfulness, burst into the loudest laughter.

De alio.

Concerning another.

Mos est eorum sacerdotum qui tempore congruo passionem dominicam artificiose in fanis sacris decantant, ut verba Christi exprimentes, pressa utantur et gravi voce, uti faciunt viri graves. Iudaeorum autem verba ut puta tumultuantium et rabidorum, horrido clamore eructent. E contrario fecit quidam sacerdos in alpibus nostris in pago nomine Urspringa prope Gyslingam oppidum.

It is the custom of those priests who at the fitting time artfully chant the Lord’s Passion in the sacred fanes, that, as they are expressing the words of Christ, they use a pressed and grave voice, as grave men do; but the words of the Jews, for example of those tumultuous and rabid, they belch forth with horrid clamor. The contrary was done by a certain priest in our Alps, in a village by the name Urspringa near the town Gyslingam.

Nam dum Iudaei loquebantur, pressa voce usus est. quod audiens coram Ioannes Cassellius Gyslingensis sacerdos dixit ad Leonartum Clementem. Iudaei profecto mature et graviter loquuntur, nulli dubium quin iudicum sibi partes arrogent.

For while the Jews were speaking, he used a subdued voice. Hearing this in person, John Cassellius, the priest of Gyslingen, said to Leonart Clement: The Jews indeed speak maturely and gravely; no one doubts that they arrogate to themselves the parts of judges.

Cum vero ventum esset ad Christum, acutissime vociferabatur sacerdos Ecce inquit Cassellius. Christus implorat iustitiam, atque iudicis officium.

But when it came to Christ, the priest vociferated most piercingly. “Behold,” says Cassellius. “Christ implores justice, and the office of the judge.”

De pedello Viennensi. Paulus Hug.

On the Viennese beadle. Paul Hug.

Quidam doctor sacerdos Viennae in rectorem Gymnasii erat electus, is suae facultatis iuridicae apparitorem, quem pedellum vulgo nominitant, in negotiis tam divinis quam humanis comitem habere solebat. et cum pro more suo sacrificium deo oblaturus esset, atque Confiteor perorasset, Pedellus ut rectori suo celebraturo ministraturus iustum et meritum titulum tribueret. Misereatur, hisce verbis dicebat.

A certain doctor-priest at Vienna had been elected Rector of the Gymnasium; he used to have as companion, in affairs as well divine as human, the apparitor of his juridical faculty, whom in the vulgar they call a beadle. And when, according to his custom, he was about to offer sacrifice to God, and had perorated the Confiteor, the Beadle—being about to minister to his Rector as he was going to celebrate—in order to bestow upon him a just and merited title, would say in these words: “May he have mercy.”

Misereatur omnipotens deus magnificentiae vestrae, et perducat vestram magnificentiam ad vitam aeternam. Ignominiae loco ducens, si rectorem in secunda persona atque singulari numero conveniret, non perpendens in oratione dominica se orare. Pater noster qui es in caelis.

May almighty God have mercy on your magnificence, and conduct your magnificence to eternal life. Reckoning it a matter of ignominy if he should address the rector in the second person and the singular number, not considering that in the Lord’s Prayer he himself prays: Our Father who art in heaven.

De sacerdote perverso. Romingius.

On the perverse priest. Romingius.

Quaedam puella cum de profanata virginitate petulantiaque inexhausta sacerdoti confiteretur. Ille incontinentia eius atque corporis forma egregia permotus exarsit in eius amorem atque ad eam ita dicit. si id mecum post pascha perpetrare volueris, ego te absolvam.

When a certain girl, as she was confessing to a priest about her profaned virginity and inexhaustible wantonness, he—moved by her incontinence and by her outstanding bodily form—blazed into love for her and thus says to her: if you should wish to perpetrate that with me after Easter, I will absolve you.

Annuens puella, respondit. Tradita est vobis potestas omnis ligandi et solvendi, fiat ergo voluntas vestra. sacerdos eam absolutam dimisit.

Assenting, the girl replied: All power of binding and loosing has been handed over to you; therefore let your will be done. The priest dismissed her absolved.

sed antequam praeterisset annus illa gravida facta puero eum donavit.

but before a year had passed, she, having become pregnant, presented him with a boy.

De alio.

Concerning another.

Cum Paroecianus Iettingensis cis Mindulam flumen in facie ecclesiae (ut eorum more loquar) matrimonium contractum firmare vellet, iam ab utroque fidem sacramenti sumpturus, maritum interrogavit in haec verba. Conrade quod est tibi nomen. Conradus cum maximo astantium risu, ut dicis, inquit, vocor.

When the parishioner of Iettinga, on this side of the river Mindula, wished to confirm the marriage contracted in the face of the church (to speak in their manner), now about to take from both parties the pledge of the sacrament, he questioned the husband in these words. Conrad, what is your name. Conrad, with the greatest laughter of the bystanders, said, As you say, I am called.

nomen enim meum tu ipse pronuntiasti.

for you yourself have pronounced my name.

De alio.

Concerning another.

Sacerdos erat Ulmae indoctus, qui cum horas canonicas orare nesciret, semper pro illis octo vel novem psalmos legebat ex ordine. Alter vero pro psalmo quem reperire nequibat, orationem dominicam orabat.

There was an unlearned priest at Ulm, who, since he did not know how to pray the canonical hours, always in place of them read eight or nine psalms in order. Another, however, in place of the psalm which he could not find, prayed the Lord’s Prayer.

De alio.

Concerning another.

Unus sacerdos alium absoluturus cui plures essent liberi, et proinde res domestica tenuis et angustissima, dixit. Hanc tibi absolutionem canonicam accipias, ut cunctis diebus tuis quibus militas in terra hac, in sudore vultus tui comedas panem doloris, et in valle lacrimarum, de torrente in via bibas, donec in omni tribulatione et angustia vitam cum morte commutes.

One priest, about to absolve another who had many children and therefore a household estate that was slender and most straitened, said: Receive for yourself this canonical absolution, that through all your days during which you serve as a soldier on this earth, in the sweat of your face you may eat the bread of sorrow, and in the valley of tears you may drink from the torrent on the way, until, in every tribulation and distress, you exchange life for death.

Qui sunt laetissimi, qui liberrimi, qui insanissimi.

Who are the happiest, who the freest, who the most insane.

Scripsit nuper homo quidam doctissimus, omnium videri sibi laetissimos sacerdotes, qui etiam in funere et iuxta mortuos canerent. Liberrimos medicos, quibus solis liceret homines impune occidere, homicidiumque cum aliis capitale esset, medicis etiam mercedem afferret. Insanissimos postremo meros grammatistas, qui nec ipsi prosaicam orationem nec carmen pangere idonei, solum in alienis libris sint oculati atque diserti.

A certain most learned man wrote recently that, of all, priests seem to him the most joyous, who even at a funeral and beside the dead would sing. Physicians the most free, to whom alone it is permitted to kill men with impunity, and homicide, while for others capital, even brings physicians a fee. Craziest, finally, the mere grammarians, who are fit to compose neither prosaic oration nor song, but are sharp-eyed and eloquent only in other men’s books.

quique pro tribus vel quattuor vocabulis tamquam pro focis, aris, atque sanguine tam insane et pertinaciter inter se digladientur, ut non maiori conatu Turcarum imperator Rhodios olim oppugnaverit quam illi quos sibi fingunt adversarios, Illi ipsi cum tres quattuorve, aut ad summum sex voculas ab aliis aut neglectas, aut frigide interpretatas offenderint, tamquam graecorum omnium eloquentiae ante stent, et quasi in triumpho omnium scriptorum ingenia ducere videantur. maiori apparatu currum triumphalem sibi decernunt quam Alexander Macedo, qui totum orientem subegit.

and who over three or four words, as though over hearths, altars, and blood, duel among themselves so insanely and so pertinaciously, that the emperor of the Turks did not at one time assail the Rhodians with a greater effort than they assail those adversaries whom they imagine for themselves; these very men, when they have come upon three or four, or at the utmost six, little words either neglected by others or interpreted frigidly, behave as though they stood before the eloquence of all the Greeks, and seem, as in a triumph, to lead the wits of all authors. They decree for themselves a triumphal chariot with greater display than Alexander the Macedonian, who subdued the whole Orient.

De illitteratis sacerdotibus et monachis. Sebastianus Kefer Ramasianus.

On the illiterate priests and monks. Sebastianus Kefer Ramasianus.

Est sacerdos non procul a Ramasia flumine, qui cum superioribus diebus per fenestras, caeli videndi gratia an vel serenum vel pluviosum futurum esset prospexisset, dixit ad suos convivas. non sine summa iniuria grammaticarum sanctionum, et cum letali vulnere Prisciani. Caelus clarificat se. Volverat enim significare caelum serenum, et ab aeris intemperie alienum fore.

There is a priest not far from the river Ramasia, who, when in the previous days he had looked out through the windows, for the sake of seeing the sky, whether it would be clear or rainy, said to his fellow-guests. not without the utmost injury to the sanctions of the grammarians, and with a lethal wound to Priscian. The sky clarifies itself. For he had intended to signify that the sky would be serene and alien from the intemperance of the air.

Idem nuper quaesitus, cur trinitas esset generis feminini, cum tamen nulla in ea mulier foret, Respondit se nescire, sed huius dubii explicandi et discendi gratia sese olim ad aliquod gymnasium recepturum.

Recently the same man, when asked why the Trinity was of feminine gender, although there was no woman in it, replied that he did not know, but for the sake of explaining and learning this doubt he would someday betake himself to some gymnasium.

Idem de fratribus illitteratis.

The same concerning the illiterate brothers.

Cum nuper in quodam coenobium peccatorum confitendorum gratia venissemus, et in cenaculo variis de rebus verba faceremus, dixit unus ex monachis. Maneat unus vestrum intus et confiteatur. adiecit alter qui apud illos fratricellos doctissimus praedicabatur.

When recently we had come into a certain coenobium (monastery) for the sake of confessing sins, and in the cenacle we were speaking about various matters, one of the monks said: Let one of you remain inside and make confession. added another, who among those Fratricelli was proclaimed the most learned.

Vos ceteri abimini. et iterum atque iterum repetivit abimini, cum abite dicere debuisset. Cui alludit factum alterius fratris.

You others, be gone. and again and again he repeated “be gone,” when he ought to have said “go away.” To which alludes the deed of another brother.

qui cum exactis diebus inter interpretandum illam partem Bibliae, Et comedit Adam de pomo vetito, ita vernacula lingua expressit. Und Adam hat gessen von ainem stinckenden apffel. id est.

who, when some days had elapsed, while interpreting that passage of the Bible, “And Adam ate of the forbidden apple,” thus expressed it in the vernacular tongue: “And Adam has eaten of a stinking apple.” that is.

de pomo foetido. nesciens differentiam inter vetitum et foetidum. Idcirco verissimum est illud dictum.

of the fetid apple. not knowing the difference between forbidden and fetid. Therefore that saying is most true.

Quamvis ecclesia habeat aureos nunc calices, ligneos tamen sacerdotes magna ex parte.

Although the Church now has golden chalices, yet for the most part it has wooden priests.

De alio.

On another.

Cum diebus vacationum canicularium Anno domini. M. D. XI. secessissem a Tubinga Zvifuldam, atque ibi apud Leonhartum clementem facetias concludere vellem, venerunt litterae ad Leonhartum, dum in convivio plures sacerdotes essent, a quodam stationario (ut cum vulgo loquar) sancti Valentini, quarum tenor ita sonabat. Ego petitor sancte Valentini compaream in ecclesia vestra dominica die in vesperis.

During the days of the canicular vacations, in the year of the Lord 1511, after I had withdrawn from Tubinga to Zvifuldam, and there with Leonhard Clement I wished to conclude some facetiae, letters came to Leonhard—while at the banquet there were several priests—from a certain stationer (to speak in the common parlance) of Saint Valentine, the tenor of which sounded thus: “I, the solicitor of Saint Valentine, will appear in your church on Sunday at Vespers.”

Idio dignitatem ac venerabilitatem vestram rogo, quatinus in cancellis populo promulgare volueritis ut comparere voluerint subditi vestri ob honorem indulgentiarum et reliquiae, quia etiam praesentantur vobis reliquia sancte Valentini. Vobis etiam constat quia ita in usu habemus.

Therefore I ask your dignity and venerability, that you may be willing to promulgate to the people from the chancel that your subjects should be willing to appear for the honor of the indulgences and of the relics, because the relics of Saint Valentine are also presented to you. It is also well known to you that thus we have it in use.

Petitior sancti Valentini.

The Petitioner of Saint Valentine.

Ego postquam has litteras vidissem, ad litteram ita ut vides scriptas, dixi. O quam malam grammaticam habet hic sacerdos in sua villa, credo quod illic Prisciano nullus sit relictus principatus qui scribit, sancte Valentini, compaream pro comparebo, idio pro ideo. reliquiae pro reliquiarum, et reliquia etc.

After I had seen these letters, to the letter just as you see them written, I said: O what bad grammar this priest has in his villa; I believe that there Priscian holds no authority at all—he writes sancte Valentini, compaream for comparebo, idio for ideo, reliquiae for reliquiarum, and reliquia, etc.

De sancto Nicolao, et quodam equum ei vovente.

On Saint Nicholas, and a certain man vowing a horse to him.

Dicitur mihi pro vera historia, in Bavaria nobilem cum servo isse praedatum, hostesque eos ad Danubium usque fuisse insecutos. Et cum servus trans flume sacellum sancti Nicolai vidisset, vovisse illi equum si incolumis modo Danubium tranasset, atque adacto equo flumen superasse, nobilem vero periculi magnitudine substitisse, atque captum extremo supplicio affectum. Cum vero servus voti memor, equum in sacellum vi compulisset, dicitur ibi.

It is told to me as a true history, that in Bavaria a nobleman went to plunder with his servant, and that the enemies pursued them as far as the Danube. And when the servant had seen across the river a chapel of Saint Nicholas, he vowed to him a horse if only he should cross the Danube unharmed; and, with the horse driven on, he overcame the river, but the nobleman, by the magnitude of the danger, halted, and, being captured, was visited with the extreme penalty. But when the servant, mindful of his vow, had by force compelled the horse into the chapel, it is said there.

x. aureos sancto Nicolao obtulisse pro redimendo equo, quem tamen nec vi, nec aliquo modo potuisse abducere de fano, quare alios insuper. x. adiecit. sed nec tunc profecisse, timore tandem insequentium.

10. gold pieces he offered to Saint Nicholas for redeeming the horse, which, however, neither by force nor by any means was he able to lead away from the fane, wherefore others besides. 10. he added. but not even then did he succeed, at last because of fear of the pursuers.

xl. contulisse, et mox equum fuisse egressum. Ad quod servus, urbane. O sancte Nicolae, inquit, quam difficilis et durus es equorum permutator ut multos rusticos in hac re tractabiliores reperias.

40. he contributed them, and soon the horse went out. To which the servant, urbanely. “O Saint Nicholas,” he said, “how difficult and hard a horse-trader you are, that you would find many rustics more tractable in this matter.”

De Ioanne Morione Zvifuldensi.

On John Morion of Zwiefalten.

Ioannes Morio et fatuus Zvifuldensis, et domino meo Georgio abbate ad recreationem imprimis gratus, cum semel vitulum quem amiserat quaerendo, in deviis silvarum pernoctare cogeretur, venit prope eum noctua, quae suo clamore clamabat vuegg vuegg. Et quoniam via in vernacula nostra vuegg vocatur, credidit ipse volucrem sibi viam monstrasse velle. quare conversus ad illam.

John the Jester and fool of Zwiefalten, and to my lord Abbot George especially pleasing for recreation, when once, while searching for a calf which he had lost, he was compelled to pass the night in the devious places of the woods, there came near him an owl, which with its cry kept calling “vuegg vuegg.” And since in our vernacular the road is called “vuegg,” he believed the bird wished to show him the way; wherefore, turning toward it.

Cur non inquit, in nomine diaboli, mihi illam monstrasti dum esset dies. Nunc enim in tantis tenebris quo pergam? non longe post venit cervus prope eum, qui folia arborum decerpebat.

“Why,” he says, “in the name of the devil, did you not show it to me while it was day? For now, in such great darkness, whither am I to go?” Not long after, a stag came near him, which was plucking the leaves of the trees.

Ad quem Ioannes qui iam esuriebat. si fami tuae, inquit, medentur, faciam et ipse pariter, atque foliis arborum famem sedavit. Multa alia fecit, hodieque facit, quae scribi non possunt.

To whom John, who was already hungry. “If they remedy your hunger,” he says, “I too will do likewise,” and with the leaves of the trees he assuaged his hunger. Many other things he did, and even today does, which cannot be written.

Est autem iam septuagenarius vel ultra, sed quotidie in stultitia crescit, ut crederes cum aetate simul in eo fatuitatem invalescere.

He is now a septuagenarian or beyond, but every day he grows in stupidity, so that you would believe that fatuity, together with age, is gaining strength in him.

Plaudite et valete Ioannes Morio Zvifuldensis facetias conclusit.

Applaud, and farewell: John the Jester of Zwiffulden has concluded the facetiae.

Paulus Hugo ad lectorem, in apophtegmata Henrici Bebelii Poetae urbanissimi.

Paul Hugo to the reader, on the apophthegms of Heinrich Bebel, a most urbane poet.

Siquem forte iuvant risus, urbanaque verba
     Hoc opus assidua perlegat ipse manu.
At vos ite procul Critici, procul ite protervi
     Et quorum pectus crassa Minerva tenet.
Vos etenim sat erit graecis ridere kalendis
     Hirta ne prosequitur, quando capella lupum.

If anyone by chance is pleased by laughter and urbane words
     let him himself read through this work with assiduous hand.
But you, go far away, Critics; go far away, you insolent ones
     and those whose breast a thick Minerva holds.
For you it will be enough to laugh on the Greek Kalends
     for the shaggy she-goat never pursues the wolf.

Vos et erit ridere satis cum pandus asellus
     Pulsaret resonae plectra canora Lyrae.
Non ego Democriti risus collaudo perennes
     Heraclitum a lacrimis quando reprehendo suis
Inter perpetuos fletus, risusque perennes
     Virtutis medius dicitur esse locus.
Vir gravis interdum solet arte remittere frontem,
     Et dulces hilari voce referre sales.

You too will be satisfied to laugh when the bow‑legged little ass
     would strike the tuneful plectra of the resounding Lyre.
I do not praise the perennial laughter of Democritus
     when I censure Heraclitus for his own tears.
Between perpetual weepings and perennial laughter
     the middle place of Virtue is said to be.
A grave man is wont sometimes by art to relax his brow,
     and to relate sweet witticisms with a cheerful voice.

Vultum terrificus non servat Iuppiter unum
     Molliter interdum ridet Apollo bonus.
Non unam faciem semper gerit astrifer orbis
     Et nive non semper terra sepulta iacet.
Nec vultum semper retinebit vir bonus unum
     Temporibus vitam commodat ipse suam.

Terrible Jupiter does not keep one countenance
     Gently at times good Apollo smiles.
The astriferous orb does not always wear one face
     Nor does the earth always lie buried in snow.
Nor will the good man always retain one countenance
     He himself accommodates his life to the times.

Res tractare graves facie solet ille Catonis
     Consilio pollens et gravitate potens
Inter res risu dignas mensamque nitentem
     Ridiculo condit fercula saepe ioco.
Quid memorem risus Poeni iurantis ad aras
     Ipse tuos Macedo mitto Philippe sales.
Anne tuos Caesar risus Auguste tacebo?

He is wont to handle grave matters with the visage of Cato,
     abounding in counsel and powerful in gravity.
Among things worthy of laughter and a shining table
     he often seasons the courses with a ridiculous joke.
Why should I recount the laughter of the Carthaginian swearing at the altars—
     I pass over, Philip, your sallies—the Macedonian himself.
Or shall I keep silent about your laughs, Caesar Augustus?

     Mordacique ioco, pungere doctus eras.
Digne sed puero fueras irrisus ab hoc, qui
     Dixit in urbe suum saepe fuisse patrem.
Saecli sed labor est exempla referre vetusti
     Humanos cunctos et meminisse duces.

     And, with a mordant jest, you were skilled to sting.
Worthily, however, you would have been mocked by this boy, who
     said that his father had often been in the city.
But it is the labor of an ancient age to recount exemplars
     and to remember all human leaders.

Id generis passim poteris reperire magistros
     Namque ferunt tales tempora nostra viros.
Bebelius, solidus Germanae laudis amator
     Librum concinnum muneris huius habet,
Tempore quam multo fascem congessit in unum.
     Imponitur libroque ultima lima suo.

You will be able to find teachers of this kind everywhere
     For they say our times produce such men.
Bebelius, a solid lover of German renown,
     has a well-concinnated book of this craft,
Over very much time he has heaped a bundle into one.
     And the ultimate file is put upon his book.

Dignus ut inter doctorum convivia serpat
Concinnos lepido spargat et ore sales.
Ergo quisquis eum mercaberis aere libellum
Bebelio faustos usque precare dies.

Worthy to steal in among the convivial banquets of the learned,
and to scatter neat witticisms from a charming mouth.
Therefore whoever will purchase this little book with coin,
pray continually for auspicious days for Bebelius.

Carmen Ioannis Hyphantici Weissenhorensis in facetias Bebelii.

Poem of John Hyphanticus of Weissenhorn on the facetiae of Bebel.

Quem faciles risus, Milesia dicta, lepores,
Fabula; scomma, sales. et ioca grata iuvant.
Qui lusus lepidos, dicteria, ludicra, mores.

Whom easy laughs, Milesian tales, charms,
Fable; scoff, sallies, and pleasing jokes delight.
Who loves charming pastimes, witty sayings, ludic entertainments, manners.

     Instructis epulis quaeque iocamur, avet
Dulcia praesentis relegat ridicula libri,
     Quem modo Bebelius vulgus adire sinit.
Discedant tetrici caperata fronte Catones,
     Et facie caedat hernica turba gravi.
Non sua res agitur, farrago codicis huius
     Perpetuo risu concelebranda venit.

     With banquets set out, whatever we jest at, he longs for;
He re-reads the sweet laughables of the present book,
     which Bebel now allows the crowd to approach.
Let the stern Catones with wrinkled brow depart,
     and let the Hernican throng smite with a grave face.
It is not their affair; the hodgepodge of this codex
     comes to be celebrated with perpetual laughter.

Naribus excussis, et ducta fronte, protervi
Censores carpent (auguror) istud opus.
Clamabunt nihil est, nequeo ridere profecto,
Quid dicit? lepidos non movet ille sales.

With nostrils flared, and brow drawn, the insolent
Censors (I augur) will carp at that work.
They will cry, “It is nothing; indeed I cannot laugh;
What is he saying? He does not stir lepid sallies.”

Scribere conetur melius qui talia garrit,
     Sicque laborificum comperietur opus.
Namque iocos patrios latialis sermo recusat.
     Plurima teutonice pulchra, latina minus
Nec si nasutus quicquam despexerit, odit
     Quilibet, et placita non sua cuique placent.

Let him who chatters such things try to write better,
     and thus the work will be found laborious.
For the Latial speech refuses native jests.
     Many things are beautiful in Teutonic, less so in Latin
Nor, if a nose-wise critic has despised anything, does anyone hate it,
     and preferences not his own do not please each person.

Ingenium discors tribuit natura creatis
     Et varias mentes unus et alter habet,
Diversos diversa iuvant, quae spreverit unus
     Alter amat, cunctis nemo placere potest.
Noxia bilis inest aliis, quae tristia suadet
     Omnia, nec mentes exhilarare sinit.
Contra splen petulans et pulmo mobilis addit
     Perpetuos aliis et sine fine iocos
Omnia continuo traduxit tempora risu
     Democritus fingens ludicra cuncta sibi.

Nature has bestowed a discordant disposition upon creatures
     and one and another has various minds,
different things please different men; what one has spurned
     another loves; no one can please all.
Noxious bile is in some, which counsels
     all sad things, and does not allow minds to be exhilarated.
Conversely a petulant spleen and a mobile lung adds
     to others perpetual and endless jests.
Democritus passed all his times with continuous laughter,
     feigning all things as ludicrous to himself.

Ast Heraclitus lacrimarum fonte perenni
     Flevit, et est miserum quicquid in orbe ratus.
Vix semel ad risum tribulis depastus asellus
     Commovit Crassum, splene minore senem.
Et varii motus animi discrimina ponunt,
     Ut ioca maesta tibi, tristia laeta putas.

But Heraclitus, with a perennial fountain of tears,
     wept, and deemed whatever is in the world to be wretched.
Scarcely once did a little donkey, feeding on thistles,
     move Crassus to laughter, the old man with the smaller spleen.
And the varied motions of the mind set distinctions,
     so that you think jests sad, and sad things glad.

Valdius arridet laetatus munere Bacchi
     Quia cui infesta sitis tristia corda premit.
Iudicium variat tacito qui pectore curas
     Versat, et erumnis corda sepulta gerit.
Obtulit at si cui se dulcis amica videndam
     Hoc sibi cuncta putat esse iocosa die.

He smiles the more, gladdened by the gift of Bacchus,
     because hostile thirst presses sad hearts.
He varies his judgment, who with a silent breast turns over cares,
     and bears hearts buried in hardships.
But if a sweet mistress has offered herself to someone to be seen,
     he thinks everything for himself to be jocose on that day.

Fabula temporibus certis iucunda refertur,
     Et magis electo tempore scomma iuvat,
Non semper citharae cantus non fistula grata est,
     Res nisi legitimo tempore nullo placet.
Adde quia et gestus, et verba moventia multum
     Afficerent, quorum pagina muta caret.
Finge legendo tibi praedicta, solutius aequo
     Ridebis, lepidos tam movet ille sales.

A fable, pleasant at fixed times, is recounted,
     and a gibe delights more at a chosen time.
Not always is the song of the cithara nor the pipe pleasing;
     nothing pleases unless at its legitimate time.
Add, too, that both gestures and words that greatly move
     would affect you, of which the mute page is devoid.
Imagine, as you read, the things aforesaid; more unrestrained than is right
     you will laugh, so much do those charming sallies of wit move.

Et mecum Vatem defende scholastice, quando
A Criticis carpi percipis eius opus.

And with me defend the Poet, scholastic, since
you perceive his work to be carped at by Critics.

FINIS

THE END