Augustine: CONFESSIONES

spes mea a iuventute mea, ubi mihi eras et quo recesseras? an vero non tu feceras me et discreveras me a quadrupedibus et a volatilibus caeli sapientiorem me feceras? et ambulabam per tenebras et lubricum et quaerebam te foris a me, et non inveniebam deum cordis mei.

my hope from my youth, where were you to me, and whither had you withdrawn? or indeed had not you made me and had you not separated me from the quadrupeds and the winged creatures of heaven—had you not made me wiser? and I was walking through darkness and a slippery place, and I was seeking you outside of me, and I was not finding the God of my heart.

et veneram in profundum maris, et diffidebam et desperabam de inventione veri. iam venerat ad me mater pietate fortis, terra marique me sequens et in periculis omnibus de te secura. nam et per marina discrimina ipsos nautas consolabatur, a quibus rudes abyssi viatores, cum perturbantur, consolari solent, pollicens eis perventionem cum salute, quia hoc ei tu per visum pollicitus eras.

and I had come into the deep of the sea, and I was diffident and despaired of the discovery of truth. already my mother, strong in piety, had come to me, following me by land and sea and, in all perils, secure concerning you; for even through sea dangers she was consoling the very sailors, by whom inexperienced travelers of the abyss, when they are perturbed, are wont to be consoled, promising them arrival with safety, because this you had promised to her by a vision.

et invenit me, periclitantem quidem graviter desperatione indagandae veritatis, sed tamen ei cum indicassem non me quidem iam esse manichaeum, sed neque catholicum christianum, non quasi inopinatum aliquid audierit, exilivit laetitia, cum iam secura fieret ex ea parte miseriae meae in qua me tamquam mortuum sed resuscitandum tibi flebat, et feretro cogitationis offerebat ut diceres filio viduae, 'iuvenis, tibi dico, surge,' et revivesceret et inciperet loqui et traderes illum matri suae. nulla ergo turbulenta exultatione trepidavit cor eius, cum audisset ex tanta parte iam factum quod tibi cotidie plangebat ut fieret, veritatem me nondum adeptum sed falsitati iam ereptum. immo vero quia certa erat et quod restabat te daturum, qui totum promiseras, placidissime et pectore pleno fiduciae respondit mihi credere se in Christo quod priusquam de hac vita emigraret me visura esset fidelem catholicum.

and she found me, indeed gravely imperiled by despair of tracking out the truth; but when I indicated to her that I was no longer a manichaean, yet not a catholic christian either, she did not, as though she had heard something unlooked-for, leap up for joy; for she was now becoming secure concerning that part of my misery in which she used to weep over me as one dead, yet to be raised for you, and she was offering me on the bier of her thought, that you might say to the widow’s son, 'young man, I say to you, arise,' and he might come to life again and begin to speak, and you might hand him over to his mother. therefore with no turbulent exultation did her heart quiver, when she heard that so great a part had already been done of that which she daily lamented before you to be done: that I had not yet attained the truth, but had already been snatched from falsity. nay rather, because she was certain that you would give what remained as well, you who had promised the whole, most calmly and with a breast full of confidence she answered me that she believed in Christ that before she departed from this life she would see me a faithful catholic.

et hoc quidem mihi. tibi autem, fons misericordiarum, preces et lacrimas densiores, ut accelerares adiutorium tuum et inluminares tenebras meas, et studiosius ad ecclesiam currere et in Ambrosii ora suspendi, ad fontem salientis aquae in vitam aeternam. diligebat autem illum virum sicut angelum dei, quod per illum cognoverat me interim ad illam ancipitem fluctuationem iam esse perductum per quam transiturum me ab aegritudine ad sanitatem, intercurrente artiore periculo quasi per accessionem quam criticam medici vocant, certa praesumebat.

And this indeed for me. But to you, fountain of mercies, thicker prayers and tears, that you would hasten your help and illumine my darkness, and that I might run more zealously to the church and hang upon the lips of Ambrose, to the fountain of water springing into eternal life. Moreover, she loved that man like an angel of God, because through him she had come to know that I had meanwhile been brought to that precarious fluctuation through which I was going to pass from sickness to health, with a tighter intercurrent danger occurring, as by an accession which physicians call critical, she confidently presumed.

6.2.2

itaque cum ad memorias sanctorum, sicut in Africa solebat, pultes et panem et merum attulisset atque ab ostiario prohiberetur, ubi hoc episcopum vetuisse cognovit, tam pie atque oboedienter amplexa est ut ipse mirarer quam facile accusatrix potius consuetudinis suae quam disceptatrix illius prohibitionis effecta sit. non enim obsidebat spiritum eius vinulentia eamque stimulabat in odium veri amor vini, sicut plerosque mares et feminas qui ad canticum sobrietatis sicut ad potionem aquatam madidi nausiant, sed illa cum attulisset canistrum cum sollemnibus epulis praegustandis atque largiendis, plus etiam quam unum pocillum pro suo palato satis sobrio temperatum, unde dignationem sumeret, non ponebat, et si multae essent quae illo modo videbantur honorandae memoriae defunctorum, idem ipsum unum, quod ubique poneret, circumferebat, quo iam non solum aquatissimo sed etiam tepidissimo cum suis praesentibus per sorbitiones exiguas partiretur, quia pietatem ibi quaerebat, non voluptatem. itaque ubi comperit a praeclaro praedicatore atque antistite pietatis praeceptum esse ista non fieri nec ab eis qui sobrie facerent, ne ulla occasio se ingurgitandi daretur ebriosis, et quia illa quasi parentalia superstitioni gentilium essent simillima, abstinuit se libentissime, et pro canistro pleno terrenis fructibus plenum purgatioribus votis pectus ad memorias martyum afferre didicerat, ut et quod posset daret egentibus et sic communicatio dominici corporis illic celebraretur, cuius passionis imitatione immolati et coronati sunt martyres.

and so when she had brought to the memorials of the saints, as was the custom in Africa, porridge and bread and unmixed wine, and was prevented by the doorkeeper, when she learned that the bishop had forbidden this, she embraced it so piously and obediently that I myself marveled how easily she became an accuser rather of her own custom than a disputant of that prohibition. for her spirit was not besieged by vinolence, nor did love of wine spur her into hatred of the truth, as it does very many males and females who, at the song of sobriety, just as at watered drink, being sodden, feel nausea; but when she had brought a basket with solemn viands to be pre-tasted and distributed, she did not set down even more than a single little cup, tempered to her palate, quite sober, from which she might take a draught of honor; and if there were many memorials of the departed which seemed in that way to be honored, that same single one, which she set down everywhere, she used to carry around, and from it, now not only most watered but even most tepid, she used to share with her companions present by tiny sippings, because she sought piety there, not pleasure. and so when she learned from the illustrious preacher and prelate that by a precept of piety it had been ordered that these things not be done, not even by those who would do them soberly, lest any occasion of gorging be afforded to drunkards, and because those so-called parentalia were most similar to the superstition of the gentiles, she most gladly abstained, and in place of a basket full of earthly fruits she had learned to bring to the memorials of the martyrs a heart full of purer vows, so that both she might give what she could to the needy and thus the communion of the Lord’s body be celebrated there, by the imitation of whose Passion the martyrs were immolated and crowned.

sed tamen videtur mihi, domine deus meus (et ita est in conspectu tuo de hac re cor meum), non facile fortasse de hac amputanda consuetudine matrem meam fuisse cessuram si ab alio prohiberetur quem non sicut Ambrosium diligebat. quem propter salutem meam maxime diligebat, eam vero ille propter eius religiosissimam conversationem, qua in bonis operibus tam fervens spiritu frequentabat ecclesiam, ita ut saepe erumperet, cum me videret, in eius praedicationem gratulans mihi, quod talem matrem haberem, nesciens qualem illa me filium, qui dubitabam de illis omnibus et inveniri posse viam vitae minime putabam.

yet nevertheless it seems to me, Lord my God (and thus is my heart in your sight concerning this matter), that my mother would perhaps not easily have yielded about this consuetude’s being amputated, if she had been forbidden by someone else whom she did not love as she loved Ambrose. Her she loved especially on account of my salvation, but he loved her on account of her most religious conversation, whereby, so fervent in spirit in good works, she frequented the church, so that he would often burst forth, when he saw me, into praising her, congratulating me that I had such a mother—unaware what sort of son she had: I who was doubting about all those things and thought that a way of life could by no means be found.

6.3.3

nec iam ingemescebam orando ut subvenires mihi, sed ad quaerendum intentus et ad disserendum inquietus erat animus meus, ipsumque Ambrosium felicem quendam hominem secundum saeculum opinabar, quem sic tantae potestates honorarent; caelibatus tantum eius mihi laboriosus videbatur. quid autem ille spei gereret, et adversus ipsius excellentiae temptamenta quid luctaminis haberet quidve solaminis in adversis, et occultum os eius, quod erat in corde eius, quam sapida gaudia de pane tuo ruminaret, nec conicere noveram nec expertus eram, nec ille sciebat aestus meos nec foveam periculi mei. non enim quaerere ab eo poteram quod volebam, sicut volebam, secludentibus me ab eius aure atque ore catervis negotiosorum hominum, quorum infirmitatibus serviebat.

nor was I now groaning in prayer that you might come to my aid, but my mind was intent upon seeking and restless for discoursing, and I supposed Ambrose himself to be a certain happy man according to the world, whom so great powers thus honored; only his celibacy seemed to me toilsome. but what hope he bore, and against the temptations of his very excellence what struggle he had, or what solace in adversities, and his hidden mouth, which was in his heart, how sapid joys from your bread he would ruminate, I neither knew how to conjecture nor had experienced, nor did he know my surges nor the pit of my peril. for I could not ask from him what I wished, as I wished, the crowds of busy men excluding me from his ear and mouth, whose infirmities he was serving.

cum quibus quando non erat, quod perexiguum temporis erat, aut corpus reficiebat necessariis sustentaculis aut lectione animum. sed cum legebat, oculi ducebantur per paginas et cor intellectum rimabatur, vox autem et lingua quiescebant. saepe cum adessemus (non enim vetabatur quisquam ingredi aut ei venientem nuntiari mos erat), sic eum legentem vidimus tacite et aliter numquam, sedentesque in diuturno silentio (quis enim tam intento esse oneri auderet?) discedebamus et coniectabamus eum parvo ipso tempore quod reparandae menti suae nanciscebatur, feriatum ab strepitu causarum alienarum, nolle in aliud avocari et cavere fortasse ne, auditore suspenso et intento, si qua obscurius posuisset ille quem legeret, etiam exponere esset necesse aut de aliquibus difficilioribus dissertare quaestionibus, atque huic operi temporibus impensis minus quam vellet voluminum evolveret, quamquam et causa servandae vocis, quae illi facillime obtundebatur, poterat esse iustior tacite legendi.

when he was not with them, which was a very small portion of time, he was either refitting his body with necessary sustentations or his mind with reading. but when he read, his eyes were led over the pages and his heart probed the understanding, while his voice and tongue were at rest. often when we were present (for no one was forbidden to enter, nor was it the custom that one coming to him be announced), we saw him reading thus, silently, and never otherwise; and, sitting in long silence (for who would dare to be a burden to one so intent?), we withdrew, and we conjectured that he, in that very little time which he obtained for the repairing of his mind, being at leisure from the racket of others’ causes, did not wish to be called away to something else, and was perhaps on guard lest, with a hearer hanging upon him and intent, if the one he read had set anything somewhat more obscurely, it would be necessary also to expound it or to discourse about some more difficult questions; and, with times spent upon this work, he would unroll through fewer volumes than he wished—although the cause also of preserving his voice, which was most easily blunted for him, could be a more valid reason for reading silently.

quolibet tamen animo id ageret, bono utique ille vir agebat.

Yet with whatever mind he did that, assuredly that man was acting well.

6.3.4

sed certe mihi nulla dabatur copia sciscitandi quae cupiebam de tam sancto oraculo tuo, pectore illius, nisi cum aliquid breviter esset audiendum. aestus autem illi mei otiosum eum valde cui refunderentur requirebant nec umquam inveniebant. et eum quidem in populo verbum veritatis recte tractantem omni die dominico audiebam, et magis magisque mihi confirmabatur omnes versutarum calumniarum nodos quos illi deceptores nostri adversus divinos libros innectebant posse dissolvi.

but certainly no opportunity was given me of questioning, as I desired, from your so holy oracle, his breast, except when something had to be heard briefly. But my surges required him to be very at leisure, to whom they might be poured back, and never found it. And indeed I was hearing him, handling rightly the word of truth among the people every Lord’s day, and it was more and more confirmed for me that all the knots of crafty calumnies which those our deceivers were entwining against the divine books could be dissolved.

ubi vero etiam comperi ad imaginem tuam hominem a te factum ab spiritalibus filiis tuis, quos de matre catholica per gratiam regenerasti, non sic intellegi ut humani corporis forma te determinatum crederent atque cogitarent (quamquam quomodo se haberet spiritalis substantia, ne quidem tenuiter atque in aenigmate suspicabar), tamen gaudens erubui non me tot annos adversus catholicam fidem, sed contra carnalium cogitationum figmenta latrasse. eo quippe temerarius et impius fueram, quod ea quae debebam quaerendo discere accusando dixeram. tu enim, altissime et proxime, secretissime et praesentissime, cui membra non sunt alia maiora et alia minora, sed ubique totus es et nusquam locorum es, non es utique forma ista corporea, tamen fecisti hominem ad imaginem tuam, et ecce ipse a capite usque ad pedes in loco est.

But when I also learned—from your spiritual sons, whom you have regenerated by grace from the Catholic mother—that “man made to your image” is not so to be understood that they should believe and conceive you as determined by the form of a human body (although how spiritual substance stands, I did not even faintly, and only in an enigma, surmise), nevertheless, rejoicing, I blushed that I had not for so many years barked against the Catholic faith, but against the figments of carnal cogitations. For I had been temerarious and impious in this, that the things which I ought to learn by seeking, I had asserted by accusing. For you, Most High and most near, most secret and most present, who have not members, some greater and some lesser, but are wholly everywhere and are nowhere in places, you are assuredly not this corporeal form; yet you made man to your image, and behold, he himself from head to foot is in a place.

6.4.5

cum ergo nescirem quomodo haec subsisteret imago tua, pulsans proponerem quomodo credendum esset, non insultans opponerem quasi ita creditum esset. tanto igitur acrior cura rodebat intima mea, quid certi retinerem, quanto me magis pudebat tam diu inlusum et deceptum promissione certorum puerili errore et animositate tam multa incerta quasi certa garrisse. quod enim falsa essent, postea mihi claruit; certum tamen erat quod incerta essent et a me aliquando pro certis habita fuissent, cum catholicam tuam caecis contentionibus accusarem, etsi nondum compertam vera docentem, non tamen ea docentem quae graviter accusabam.

since therefore I did not know how this, your image, subsisted, knocking I would propose how it ought to be believed, not, insulting, would I object as though it had been so believed. so much the keener care gnawed my inmost parts—what certainty I should retain—the more I was ashamed that for so long, having been played with and deceived by the promise of certainties, through boyish error and vehemence I had chattered so many uncertain things as if certain. for that they were false became clear to me afterwards; yet it was certain that they were uncertain and had at some time been held by me as certain, when with blind contentions I was accusing your Catholic [Church], although not yet found to be teaching the true, yet not teaching the things which I was grievously accusing.

itaque confundebar et convertebar, et gaudebam, deus meus, quod ecclesia unica, corpus unici tui, in qua mihi nomen Christi infanti est inditum, non saperet infantiles nugas neque hoc haberet in doctrina sua sana, quod te creatorem omnium in spatium loci quamvis summum et amplum, tamen undique terminatum membrorum humanorum figura contruderet.

Therefore I was confounded and was turning back, and I rejoiced, my God, that the unique Church, the body of your Only One, in which the name of Christ was bestowed upon me as an infant, did not have a taste for infantile trifles, nor had this in its sound doctrine: that it should cram you, the creator of all, into a space of place, however highest and ample, yet on all sides bounded, in the figure of human members.

6.4.6

gaudebam etiam quod vetera scripta legis et prophetarum iam non illo oculo mihi legenda proponerentur quo antea videbantur absurda, cum arguebam tamquam ita sentientes sanctos tuos, verum autem non ita sentiebant. et tamquam regulam diligentissime commendaret, saepe in popularibus sermonibus suis dicentem Ambrosium laetus audiebam: 'littera occidit, spiritus autem vivificat,' cum ea quae ad litteram perversitatem docere videbantur, remoto mystico velamento, spiritaliter aperiret, non dicens quod me offenderet, quamvis ea diceret quae utrum vera essent adhuc ignorarem. tenebam enim cor meum ab omni adsensione timens praecipitium, et suspendio magis necabar.

I rejoiced also that the ancient writings of the Law and the Prophets were now not being set before me to be read with that eye by which formerly they seemed absurd, when I used to arraign your saints as though they felt thus, whereas in truth they did not so feel. And I gladly heard Ambrose often saying in his sermons to the people, as if he were most diligently commending a rule: 'the letter kills, but the spirit makes alive,' when, the mystical veil removed, he would open spiritually those things which, taken to the letter, seemed to teach perversity—saying nothing that offended me, although he said things whether they were true I still did not know. For I held back my heart from every assent, fearing a precipice, and by suspension I was rather being strangled.

volebam enim eorum quae non viderem ita me certum fieri ut certus essem quod septem et tria decem sint. neque enim tam insanus eram ut ne hoc quidem putarem posse comprehendi, sed sicut hoc, ita cetera cupiebam, sive corporalia, quae coram sensibus meis non adessent, sive spiritalia, de quibus cogitare nisi corporaliter nesciebam. et sanari credendo poteram, ut purgatior acies mentis meae dirigeretur aliquo modo in veritatem tuam semper manentem et ex nullo deficientem.

I wished, indeed, to be made thus certain of those things which I did not see, as I am certain that 7 and 3 are 10. For I was not so insane as to think that not even this could be comprehended; but just as this, so I desired the rest, whether corporeal things, which were not present before my senses, or spiritual things, about which I did not know how to think except corporeally. And I could be healed by believing, so that the purer acuity of my mind might be directed in some way toward your Truth, ever abiding and failing in nothing.

sed sicut evenire adsolet, ut malum medicum expertus etiam bono timeat se committere, ita erat valetudo animae meae, quae utique nisi credendo sanari non poterat et, ne falsa crederet, curari recusabat, resistens manibus tuis, qui medicamenta fidei confecisti et sparsisti super morbos orbis terrarum et tantam illis auctoritatem tribuisti.

but just as it is wont to happen, that one who has experienced a bad physician even fears to entrust himself to a good one, so was the state of health of my soul, which indeed could not be healed except by believing and, lest it should believe false things, refused to be treated, resisting your hands—you who compounded the medicaments of faith and sprinkled them over the diseases of the orb of the lands, and granted to them so great authority.

6.5.7

ex hoc tamen quoque iam praeponens doctrinam catholicam, modestius ibi minimeque fallaciter sentiebam iuberi ut crederetur quod non demonstrabatur (sive esset quid, sed cui forte non esset, sive nec quid esset), quam illic temeraria pollicitatione scientiae credulitatem inrideri et postea tam multa fabulosissima et absurdissima, quia demonstrari non poterant, credenda imperari. deinde paulatim tu, domine, manu mitissima et misericordissima pertractans et componens cor meum, consideranti quam innumerabilia crederem quae non viderem neque cum gererentur adfuissem, sicut tam multa in historia gentium, tam multa de locis atque urbibus quae non videram, tam multa amicis, tam multa medicis, tam multa hominibus aliis atque aliis, quae nisi crederentur, omnino in hac vita nihil ageremus, postremo quam inconcusse fixum fide retinerem de quibus parentibus ortus essem, quod scire non possem nisi audiendo credidissem, persuasisti mihi non qui crederent libris tuis, quos tanta in omnibus fere gentibus auctoritate fundasti, sed qui non crederent esse culpandos nec audiendos esse, si qui forte mihi dicerent, 'unde scis illos libros unius veri et veracissimi dei spiritu esse humano generi ministratos?' idipsum enim maxime credendum erat, quoniam nulla pugnacitas calumniosarum quaestionum per tam multa quae legeram inter se confligentium philosophorum extorquere mihi potuit ut aliquando non crederem te esse quidquid esses, quod ego nescirem, aut administrationem rerum humanarum ad te pertinere.

from this too, already preferring the catholic doctrine, I felt it more modestly and by no means fallaciously enjoined there that one should believe what was not demonstrated (whether there was something, yet perchance not for someone, or even that there was not anything), rather than that yonder, by a rash pollicitation of science, credulity should be mocked and thereafter so many most fabulous and most absurd things, because they could not be demonstrated, should be commanded to be believed. then little by little you, Lord, with a most gentle and most merciful hand handling and composing my heart, as I considered how innumerable things I believed which I did not see nor had I been present when they were transacted—so many in the history of nations, so many about places and cities which I had not seen, so many to friends, so many to medics, so many to other men and others—which, unless they were believed, we would do nothing at all in this life; and finally how immovably fixed by faith I held from what parents I had been born, which I could not know unless by hearing I had believed—you persuaded me that not those who believed your books, which you have founded with such great authority in almost all nations, but those who did not believe were to be blamed, nor ought they to be listened to, if perchance any should say to me, ‘whence do you know that those books have been ministered to the human race by the spirit of the one true and most veracious God?’ for this very thing was especially to be believed, since no pugnacity of calumnious questions, through so many philosophers clashing with one another whom I had read, could extort from me that I should ever not believe that you are whatever you are, which I did not know, or that the administration of human affairs pertains to you.

6.5.8

sed id credebam aliquando robustius, aliquando exilius, semper tamen credidi et esse te et curam nostri gerere, etiamsi ignorabam vel quid sentiendum esset de substantia tua vel quae via duceret aut reduceret ad te. ideoque cum essemus infirmi ad inveniendam liquida ratione veritatem et ob hoc nobis opus esset auctoritate sanctarum litterarum, iam credere coeperam nullo modo te fuisse tributurum tam excellentem illi scripturae per omnes iam terras auctoritatem, nisi et per ipsam tibi credi et per ipsam te quaeri voluisses. iam enim absurditatem quae me in illis litteris solebat offendere, cum multa ex eis probabiliter exposita audissem, ad sacramentorum altitudinem referebam eoque mihi illa venerabilior et sacrosancta fide dignior apparebat auctoritas, quo et omnibus ad legendum esset in promptu et secreti sui dignitatem in intellectu profundiore servaret, verbis apertissimis et humillimo genere loquendi se cunctis praebens et exercens intentionem eorum qui non sunt leves corde, ut exciperet omnes populari sinu et per angusta foramina paucos ad te traiceret, multo tamen plures quam si nec tanto apice auctoritatis emineret nec turbas gremio sanctae humilitatis hauriret. cogitabam haec et aderas mihi, suspirabam et audiebas me, fluctuabam et gubernabas me, ibam per viam saeculi latam nec deserebas.

but that I believed sometimes more robustly, sometimes more slenderly; yet I always believed both that you are and that you bear care of us, even if I was ignorant either what ought to be thought about your substance or which way would lead or lead back to you. and therefore, since we were infirm for finding the truth by clear reason, and on account of this we had need of the authority of the holy letters, I had already begun to believe that in no way would you have granted to that scripture so excellent an authority now through all the lands, unless you had willed both that through it you be believed and through it you be sought. for already the absurdity which used to offend me in those letters, when I had heard many things from them plausibly expounded, I was referring to the depth of the sacraments; and by so much that authority appeared to me more venerable and more worthy of sacrosanct faith, the more it was in readiness for all to read and preserved the dignity of its secret in a deeper understanding, offering itself to all with most open words and with the most humble kind of speaking, and exercising the intention of those who are not light of heart, so that it might receive all in a popular bosom and through narrow apertures might carry across a few to you—yet many more than if it neither stood out with so great a summit of authority nor drew the crowds into the lap of holy humility. I was thinking these things and you were present to me, I was sighing and you were hearing me, I was being tossed on the waves and you were piloting me, I was going by the broad way of the world and you were not deserting.

6.6.9

inhiabam honoribus, lucris, coniugio, et tu inridebas. patiebar in eis cupiditatibus amarissimas difficultates, te propitio tanto magis, quanto minus sinebas mihi dulcescere quod non eras tu. vide cor meum, domine, qui voluisti ut hoc recordarer et confiterer tibi. nunc tibi inhaereat anima mea, quam de visco tam tenaci mortis exuisti.

I gaped after honors, lucre, conjugal union, and you mocked. I suffered in those desires the most bitter difficulties, with you propitious all the more, the less you allowed to grow sweet to me what you were not. see my heart, Lord, you who willed that I should recall this and confess to you. now let my soul cleave to you, which you have stripped from the birdlime, so tenacious, of death.

quam misera erat! et sensum vulneris tu pungebas, ut relictis omnibus converteretur ad te, qui es super omnia et sine quo nulla essent omnia, converteretur et sanaretur. quam ergo miser eram, et quomodo egisti ut sentirem miseriam meam die illo quo, cum pararem recitare imperatori laudes, quibus plura mentirer et mentienti faveretur ab scientibus, easque curas anhelaret cor meum et cogitationum tabificarum febribus aestuaret, transiens per quendam vicum Mediolanensem animadverti pauperem mendicum, iam, credo, saturum, iocantem atque laetantem.

how wretched it was! and you were pricking the sense of the wound, so that, all things left behind, it might be converted to you, who are above all things and without whom all things would be nothing; that it might be converted and be healed. how wretched, then, I was, and how you acted that I might feel my misery, on that day when, as I was preparing to recite praises to the emperor, in which I would tell more lies and, as I lied, I would be favored by those who knew, and my heart was panting with those cares and was burning with the fevers of wasting thoughts, passing through a certain Milanese street I noticed a poor beggar, already, I believe, sated, joking and rejoicing.

et ingemui et locutus sum cum amicis qui mecum erant multos dolores insaniarum nostrarum, quia omnibus talibus conatibus nostris, qualibus tunc laborabam, sub stimulis cupiditatum trahens infelicitatis meae sarcinam et trahendo exaggerans, nihil vellemus aliud nisi ad securam laetitiam pervenire, quo nos mendicus ille iam praecessisset numquam illuc fortasse venturos. quod enim iam ille pauculis et emendicatis nummulis adeptus erat, ad hoc ego tam aerumnosis anfractibus et circuitibus ambiebam, ad laetitiam scilicet temporalis felicitatis. non enim verum gaudium habebat, sed et ego illis ambitionibus multo falsius quaerebam.

and I groaned and spoke with the friends who were with me of the many pains of our insanities, because in all such endeavors of ours, such as I was then laboring in, under the goads of cupidities dragging the burden of my infelicity and by dragging augmenting it, we were willing nothing other than to arrive at secure joy—whither that beggar had already gone before us, and we perhaps would never come thither. For what he had already attained by a few begged-for little coins, for this I was compassing by such toilsome anfractuous windings and circuits, namely, the joy of temporal felicity. For he did not have true joy, but I too by those ambitions was seeking it much more falsely.

et certe ille laetabatur, ego anxius eram, securus ille, ego trepidus. et si quisquam percontaretur me utrum mallem exultare an metuere, responderem: 'exultare'; rursus si interrogaret utrum me talem mallem qualis ille, an qualis ego tunc essem, me ipsum curis timoribusque confectum eligerem, sed perversitate -- numquid veritate? neque enim eo me praeponere illi debebam, quo doctior eram, quoniam non inde gaudebam, sed placere inde quaerebam hominibus, non ut eos docerem, sed tantum ut placerem.

And surely he was rejoicing, I was anxious; he was secure, I was trembling. And if anyone were to inquire of me whether I would prefer to exult or to fear, I would answer: “to exult”; again, if he were to ask whether I would prefer to be such as he, or such as I then was, I would choose myself, worn out with cares and fears—but by perversity—was it by truth? For I ought not to set myself before him on this account, that I was more learned, since I did not rejoice from that, but from that I was seeking to please men, not that I might teach them, but only that I might please.

propterea et tu baculo disciplinae tuae confringebas ossa mea.

Therefore you too, with the rod of your discipline, were shattering my bones.

6.6.10

recedant ergo ab anima mea qui dicunt ei, 'interest unde quis gaudeat. gaudebat mendicus ille vinulentia, tu gaudere cupiebas gloria.' qua gloria, domine, quae non est in te? nam sicut verum gaudium non erat, ita nec illa vera gloria et amplius vertebat mentem meam. et ille ipsa nocte digesturus erat ebrietatem suam, ego cum mea dormieram et surrexeram et dormiturus et surrecturus eram, vide quot dies!

Let them, then, depart from my soul who say to it, 'it makes a difference whence one rejoices. That beggar rejoiced in vinolence, you wished to rejoice in glory.' What glory, Lord, that is not in you? For just as it was not true joy, so neither was that true glory, and it was turning my mind all the more. And he on that very night was about to digest his drunkenness; I had slept with mine and had risen, and I was going to sleep and to rise with it—see how many days!

interest vero unde quis gaudeat, scio, et gaudium spei fidelis incomparabiliter distat ab illa vanitate, sed et tunc distabat inter nos. nimirum quippe ille felicior erat, non tantum quod hilaritate perfundebatur, cum ego curis eviscerarer, verum etiam quod ille bene optando adquisiverat vinum, ego mentiendo quaerebam typhum. dixi tunc multa in hac sententia caris meis, et saepe advertebam in his quomodo mihi esset, et inveniebam male mihi esse et dolebam et conduplicabam ipsum male et, si quid adrisisset prosperum, taedebat apprehendere, quia paene priusquam teneretur avolabat.

But indeed it matters whence one rejoices, I know, and the joy of faithful hope stands incomparably far from that vanity; yet even then it stood apart between us. Assuredly he was the more happy, not only because he was being suffused with hilarity while I was being eviscerated by cares, but also because he, by well-wishing, had acquired wine, whereas I, by lying, was seeking typhos, puffed-upness. I then said many things to my dear ones in this vein, and I often adverted in these how it was with me, and I found it was ill with me and I grieved and I doubled that very ill; and, if anything prosperous had smiled, I was loath to grasp it, because almost before it could be held it flew away.

6.7.11

congemescebamus in his qui simul amice vivebamus, et maxime ac familiarissime cum Alypio et Nebridio ista conloquebar. quorum Alypius ex eodem quo ego eram ortus municipio, parentibus primatibus municipalibus, me minor natu. nam et studuerat apud me, cum in nostro oppido docere coepi, et postea Carthagini, et diligebat multum, quod ei bonus et doctus viderer, et ego illum propter magnam virtutis indolem, quae in non magna aetate satis eminebat.

we were groaning together in these things, we who lived amicably together, and most of all and most intimately I was conversing about these matters with Alypius and Nebridius. of whom Alypius was sprung from the same municipality as I was, with parents among the municipal primates, younger than I by birth. for he had studied with me, when I began to teach in our town, and afterwards at Carthage; and he esteemed me much, because I seemed to him good and learned; and I [esteemed] him on account of a great indole of virtue, which at no great age was quite conspicuous.

gurges tamen morum Carthaginiensium, quibus nugatoria fervent spectacula, absorbuerat eum in insaniam circensium. sed cum in eo miserabiliter volveretur, ego autem rhetoricam ibi professus publica schola uterer, nondum me audiebat ut magistrum propter quandam simultatem quae inter me et patrem eius erat exorta. et compereram quod circum exitiabiliter amaret, et graviter angebar, quod tantam spem perditurus vel etiam perdidisse mihi videbatur.

Yet the whirlpool of Carthaginian morals, in which nugatory spectacles seethe, had absorbed him into the insanity of the circus-games. But while he was being miserably tossed about in that, I, having professed rhetoric there, was conducting a public school; he was not yet hearing me as his teacher because of a certain dissension which had arisen between me and his father. And I had ascertained that he loved the circus ruinously, and I was grievously distressed, because he seemed to me about to lose, or even to have lost, so great a hope.

sed monendi eum et aliqua cohercitione revocandi nulla erat copia vel amicitiae benivolentia vel iure magisterii. putabam enim eum de me cum patre sentire, ille vero non sic erat. itaque postposita in hac re patris voluntate salutare me coeperat veniens in auditorium meum et audire aliquid atque abire.

but there was no means, either by the benevolence of friendship or by the magisterial right, to admonish him and recall him with any coercion. for I supposed that he felt about me as with his father; but he was not so. and so, with his father’s will set aside in this matter, he began to greet me, coming into my auditorium, and to hear something and depart.

6.7.12

sed enim de memoria mihi lapsum erat agere cum illo, ne vanorum ludorum caeco et praecipiti studio tam bonum interimeret ingenium, verum autem, domine, tu, qui praesides gubernaculis omnium quae creasti, non eum oblitus eras futurum inter filios tuos antistitem sacramenti tui et, ut aperte tibi tribueretur eius correctio, per me quidem illam sed nescientem operatus es. nam quodam die cum sederem loco solito et coram me adessent discipuli, venit, salutavit, sedit atque in ea quae agebantur intendit animum. et forte lectio in manibus erat, quam dum exponerem opportune mihi adhibenda videretur similitudo circensium, quo illud quod insinuabam et iucundius et planius fieret cum inrisione mordaci eorum quos illa captivasset insania. scis tu, deus noster, quod tunc de Alypio ab illa peste sanando non cogitaverim.

but indeed it had slipped from my memory to deal with him, lest by a blind and precipitous zeal for vain games he destroy so good a talent; but truly, Lord, you, who preside at the helm of all things that you have created, had not forgotten him—destined to be among your sons a bishop of your sacrament—and, in order that his correction might be openly attributed to you, you worked it indeed through me, but with me unaware. for on a certain day, when I was sitting in my usual place and the disciples were present before me, he came, greeted, sat, and directed his mind to the things that were being done. and by chance a reading was in hand, which, while I was expounding it, it seemed to me that a likeness of the circus-goers should be applied opportunely, so that that which I was insinuating might become both more pleasant and plainer, with mordant derision of those whom that madness had taken captive. you know, our God, that at that time I had not been thinking of healing Alypius from that plague.

at ille in se rapuit meque illud non nisi propter se dixisse credidit et quod alius acciperet ad suscensendum mihi, accepit honestus adulescens ad suscensendum sibi et ad me ardentius diligendum. dixeras enim tu iam olim et innexueras litteris tuis, 'corripe sapientem, et amabit te.' at ego illum non corripueram, sed utens tu omnibus et scientibus et nescientibus ordine quo nosti (et ille ordo iustus est) de corde et lingua mea carbones ardentes operatus es, quibus mentem spei bonae adureres tabescentem ac sanares. taceat laudes tuas qui miserationes tuas non considerat, quae tibi de medullis meis confitentur.

but he took it to himself and believed that I had said that thing for no reason except on account of him; and what another would have taken as a cause for being angry at me, the honorable young man took as a cause for being angry at himself and for loving me more ardently. For you had said long since and had woven it into your letters, “rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.” But I had not rebuked him; rather, you, using all persons, both the knowing and the unknowing, in the order which you know (and that order is just), wrought from my heart and tongue burning coals, with which you seared, into good hope, a mind that was wasting away, and healed it. Let him be silent about your praises who does not consider your mercies, which confess to you from the marrow of my bones.

etenim vero ille post illa verba proripuit se ex fovea tam alta, qua libenter demergebatur et cum mira voluptate caecabatur, et excussit animum forti temperantia, et resiluerunt omnes circensium sordes ab eo ampliusque illuc non accessit. deinde patrem reluctantem evicit ut me magistro uteretur; cessit ille atque concessit. et audire me rursus incipiens illa mecum superstitione involutus est, amans in manichaeis ostentationem continentiae, quam veram et germanam putabat.

For indeed, after those words, he rushed forth out of so deep a pit, into which he had gladly been submerging himself and was being blinded with wondrous delight, and he shook out his mind with strong temperance, and all the sordidness of the circus-games sprang back from him, and he no longer approached there. Then he prevailed over his reluctant father, that he might make use of me as teacher; he yielded and granted. And, beginning to hear me again, he was entangled together with me in that superstition, loving in the Manichaeans the ostentation of continence, which he thought true and genuine.

erat autem illa vecors et seductoria, pretiosas animas captans nondum virtutis altitudinem scientes tangere et superficie decipi faciles, sed tamen adumbratae simulataeque virtutis.

It was, however, senseless and seductive, capturing precious souls not yet knowing how to touch the altitude of virtue and easy to be deceived by the surface, yet with an adumbrated and simulated virtue.

6.8.13

non sane relinquens incantatam sibi a parentibus terrenam viam, Romam praecesserat ut ius disceret, et ibi gladiatorii spectaculi hiatu incredibili et incredibiliter abreptus est. cum enim aversaretur et detestaretur talia, quidam eius amici et condiscipuli, cum forte de prandio redeuntibus pervium esset, recusantem vehementer et resistentem familiari violentia duxerunt in amphitheatrum crudelium et funestorum ludorum diebus, haec dicentem: 'si corpus meum in locum illum trahitis et ibi constituitis, numquid et animum et oculos meos in illa spectacula potestis intendere? adero itaque absens ac sic et vos et illa superabo.' quibus auditis illi nihilo setius eum adduxerunt secum, idipsum forte explorare cupientes utrum posset efficere.

not at all abandoning the earthly way enchanted for him by his parents, he had gone on ahead to Rome to learn law, and there he was swept away by the unbelievable gape of the gladiatorial spectacle—and unbelievably. for although he used to turn away from and detest such things, certain of his friends and condisciples, when by chance, as they were returning from lunch, entry was open, led him—vehemently refusing and resisting—by a familiar violence into the amphitheatre on the days of the cruel and funereal games, he saying these things: 'if you drag my body to that place and set it there, can you also direct my mind and my eyes to those spectacles? i shall therefore be present absent, and thus I shall overcome both you and them.' when these things were heard, they nonetheless brought him along with them, perhaps wishing to explore that very thing, whether he could bring it to effect.

quo ubi ventum est et sedibus quibus potuerunt locati sunt, fervebant omnia immanissimis voluptatibus. ille clausis foribus oculorum interdixit animo ne in tanta mala procederet. atque utinam et aures obturavisset!

When they had come to the place and were seated where they could, everything was seething with the most monstrous pleasures. He, with the doors of his eyes closed, forbade his mind to proceed into such great evils. And would that he had also stopped up his ears!

nam quodam pugnae casu, cum clamor ingens totius populi vehementer eum pulsasset, curiositate victus et quasi paratus, quidquid illud esset, etiam visum contemnere et vincere, aperuit oculos. et percussus est graviore vulnere in anima quam ille in corpore quem cernere concupivit, ceciditque miserabilius quam ille quo cadente factus est clamor. qui per eius aures intravit et reseravit eius lumina, ut esset qua feriretur et deiceretur audax adhuc potius quam fortis animus, et eo infirmior quo de se praesumserat, qui debuit de te. ut enim vidit illum sanguinem, immanitatem simul ebibit et non se avertit, sed fixit aspectum et hauriebat furias et nesciebat, et delectabatur scelere certaminis et cruenta voluptate inebriabatur.

for by a certain chance of the fight, when an immense clamor of the whole people had smitten him vehemently, overcome by curiosity and as if prepared, whatever it might be, even to contemn and to conquer the very sight, he opened his eyes. And he was struck with a heavier wound in his soul than was he in his body whom he longed to behold, and he fell more miserably than he by whose falling the shout was made. This entered through his ears and unbarred his eyes, so that there was a way for his mind—still bold rather than brave—to be smitten and cast down, and the weaker in proportion as it had presumed upon itself, which ought to have presumed upon you. For as soon as he saw that blood, he at once drank in savagery and did not turn himself away, but fixed his gaze and was drawing in furies and knew it not, and he delighted in the wickedness of the combat and was intoxicated with bloody pleasure.

et non erat iam ille qui venerat sed unus de turba ad quam venerat, et verus eorum socius a quibus adductus erat. quid plura! spectavit, clamavit, exarsit, abstulit inde secum insaniam qua stimularetur redire non tantum cum illis a quibus prius abstractus est, sed etiam prae illis et alios trahens.

and he was now no longer the one who had come, but one of the crowd to which he had come, and a true companion of those by whom he had been led. What more! he spectated, he clamored, he blazed, he carried away from there with him a madness by which he was stimulated to return not only with those by whom he had previously been drawn away, but even before them and dragging others.

et inde tamen manu validissima et misericordissima eruisti eum tu, et docuisti non sui habere sed tui fiduciam, sed longe postea.

and even from there you rescued him by your most mighty and most merciful hand, and you taught him not to have confidence in himself but in you, but long afterwards.

6.9.14

verum tamen iam hoc ad medicinam futuram in eius memoria reponebatur. nam et illud quod, cum adhuc studeret iam me audiens apud Carthaginem et medio die cogitaret in foro quod recitaturus erat, sicut exerceri scholastici solent, sivisti eum comprehendi ab aeditimis fori tamquam furem, non arbitror aliam ob causam te permisisse, deus noster, nisi ut ille vir tantus futurus iam inciperet discere quam non facile in cognoscendis causis homo ab homine damnandus esset temeraria credulitate. quippe ante tribunal deambulabat solus cum tabulis ac stilo, cum ecce adulescens quidam ex numero scholasticorum, fur verus, securim clanculo apportans, illo non sentiente ingressus est ad cancellos plumbeos qui vico argentario desuper praeminent et praecidere plumbum coepit.

But nevertheless this already was being laid up in his memory for future medicine. For even that event when, while he was still studying, already hearing me at Carthage, and at midday was pondering in the forum what he was going to recite, as scholastics are accustomed to rehearse, you allowed him to be seized by the attendants of the forum as though a thief—I do not think you permitted it for any other cause, our God, except that that man, destined to be so great, might already begin to learn how not easily, in the ascertainment of cases, a man should be condemned by a man through rash credulity. For indeed he was pacing before the tribunal alone with his tablets and stylus, when behold, a certain adolescent from the number of the scholastics, a true thief, secretly bringing an axe, with him not noticing, went in to the leaden railings which jut out above the Silversmiths’ Street, and began to cut off the lead.

sono autem securis audito submurmuraverunt argentarii qui subter erant, et miserunt qui apprehenderent quem forte invenissent. quorum vocibus auditis relicto instrumento ille discessit timens, ne cum eo teneretur. Alypius autem, qui non viderat intrantem, exeuntem sensit et celeriter vidit abeuntem et, causam scire cupiens, ingressus est locum et inventam securim stans atque admirans considerabat, cum ecce illi qui missi erant reperiunt eum solum ferentem ferrum cuius sonitu exciti venerant.

however, when the sound of the axe was heard, the money‑changers who were beneath murmured softly, and they sent men to apprehend whomever they might by chance find. hearing their voices, he left the tool and departed, fearing lest he be held along with it. but Alypius, who had not seen him entering, sensed him going out and quickly saw him going away; and, wishing to know the cause, he entered the place and, standing and admiring, was examining the axe that had been found, when behold, those who had been sent find him alone bearing the iron, by whose sound they had been aroused to come.

tenent, attrahunt, congregatis inquilinis fori tamquam furem manifestum se comprehendisse gloriantur, et inde offerendus iudiciis ducebatur.

they hold him, they drag him; with the tenants of the forum gathered, they boast that they have apprehended him as a manifest thief, and from there he was being led to be offered to the courts.

6.9.15

sed hactenus docendus fuit. statim enim, domine, subvenisti innocentiae, cuius testis eras tu solus. cum enim duceretur vel ad custodiam vel ad supplicium, fit eis obviam quidam architectus, cuius maxima erat cura publicarum fabricarum.

but thus far he had to be instructed. For immediately, Lord, you came to the aid of innocence, of which you alone were the witness. For when he was being led either to custody or to punishment, there comes to meet them a certain architect, whose principal charge was the public works.

gaudent illi eum potissimum occurrisse, cui solebant in suspicionem venire ablatarum rerum quae perissent de foro, ut quasi tandem iam ille cognosceret a quibus haec fierent. verum autem viderat homo saepe Alypium in domo cuiusdam senatoris ad quem salutandum ventitabat, statimque cognitum manu apprehensa semovit a turbis et tanti mali causam quaerens, quid gestum esset audivit omnesque tumultuantes qui aderant et minaciter frementes iussit venire secum. et venerunt ad domum illius adulescentis qui rem commiserat.

They rejoice that it was precisely he whom they had met—the very man in whose eyes the authors of the goods carried off that had disappeared from the forum were wont to come into suspicion—so that, as it were, at last he would now recognize by whom these things were being done. In fact, the man had often seen Alypius in the house of a certain senator, whom he used to visit to pay his respects, and immediately, having recognized him, he seized him by the hand and drew him away from the crowds; and, seeking the cause of so great an evil, he heard what had been done, and he ordered all who were present, making a tumult and growling menacingly, to come with him. And they came to the house of that young man who had committed the deed.

puer vero erat ante ostium, et tam parvus erat ut nihil exinde domino suo metuens facile posset totum indicare; cum eo quippe in foro fuit pedisequus. quem posteaquam recoluit Alypius, architecto intimavit. at ille securim demonstravit puero, quaerens ab eo cuius esset.

but the boy was before the doorway, and he was so small that, fearing nothing on that account for his master, he could easily indicate the whole; for he had been with him in the forum as a foot-attendant. When Alypius afterward recollected him, he intimated it to the architect. But he showed the axe to the boy, asking whose it was.

qui confestim 'nostra' inquit; deinde interrogatus aperuit cetera. sic in illam domum translata causa confusisque turbis quae de illo triumphare iam coeperant, futurus dispensator verbi tui et multarum in ecclesia tua causarum examinator experientior instructiorque discessit.

who immediately said, 'ours'; then, when interrogated, he disclosed the rest. thus, with the cause transferred into that house and the crowds, which had already begun to triumph over him, thrown into confusion, the future dispenser of your word and examiner of many causes in your church departed more experienced and more instructed.

6.10.16

hunc ergo Romae inveneram, et adhaesit mihi fortissimo vinculo mecumque Mediolanium profectus est, ut nec me desereret et de iure quod didicerat aliquid ageret secundum votum magis parentum quam suum. et ter iam adsederat mirabili continentia ceteris, cum ille magis miraretur eos qui aurum innocentiae praeponerent. temptata est quoque eius indoles non solum inlecebra cupiditatis sed etiam stimulo timoris.

I had found him, then, at Rome, and he adhered to me with a most strong bond, and set out with me to Milan, so that he might not desert me and might do something in the law which he had learned, according more to the wish of his parents than his own. And he had already three times taken his seat with the others with marvelous continence, while he himself marveled rather at those who preferred gold to innocence. His natural disposition was also tested not only by the allurement of cupidity but even by the stimulus of fear.

Romae adsidebat comiti largitionum Italicianarum. erat eo tempore quidam potentissimus senator cuius et beneficiis obstricti multi et terrori subditi erant. voluit sibi licere nescio quid ex more potentiae suae quod esset per leges inlicitum; restitit Alypius.

At Rome he sat as assessor to the Count of the Italian Largesses. At that time there was a certain most powerful senator, by whose benefactions many were bound and to whose terror they were subject. He wished it to be permitted to himself, after the wont of his power, to do I-know-not-what which by the laws was illicit; Alypius resisted.

promissum est praemium; inrisit animo. praetentae minae; calcavit, mirantibus omnibus inusitatam animam, quae hominem tantum et innumerabilibus praestandi nocendique modis ingenti fama celebratum vel amicum non optaret vel non formidaret inimicum. ipse autem iudex cui consiliarius erat, quamvis et ipse fieri nollet, non tamen aperte recusabat, sed in istum causam transferens ab eo se non permitti adserebat, quia et re vera, si ipse faceret, iste discederet.

A reward was promised; he laughed in his mind. Threats were held forth; he trampled them, all marveling at the unusual soul which would neither choose as a friend nor fear as an enemy so great a man, celebrated with enormous fame for innumerable ways of bestowing and of harming. But the judge himself, whose counselor he was, although he also did not wish it to be done, nevertheless did not openly refuse, but transferring the cause onto him asserted that he was not permitted by him, because in very truth, if he himself should do it, that man would depart.

hoc solo autem paene iam inlectus erat studio litterario, ut pretiis praetorianis codices sibi conficiendos curaret, sed consulta iustitia deliberationem in melius vertit, utiliorem iudicans aequitatem qua prohibebatur quam potestatem qua sinebatur. parvum est hoc, sed qui in parvo fidelis est et in magno fidelis est, nec ullo modo erit inane quod tuae veritatis ore processit: 'si in iniusto mammona fideles non fuistis, verum quis dabit vobis? et si in alieno fideles non fuistis, vestrum quis dabit vobis?' talis ille tunc inhaerebat mihi mecumque nutabat in consilio, quisnam esset tenendus vitae modus.

Yet by this alone he had been almost enticed, by a zeal for letters, to arrange that codices be prepared for himself at praetorian prices; but, with justice consulted, he turned the deliberation to the better, judging more useful the equity by which it was forbidden than the power by which it was permitted. This is a small thing, but he who is faithful in a small thing is faithful also in a great; nor will that be in any way empty which has proceeded from the mouth of your Truth: “If you have not been faithful in the unjust mammon, who will give you the true? And if you have not been faithful in what is another’s, who will give you what is your own?” Such a one he then clung to me and with me wavered in counsel, as to what mode of life ought to be held.

6.10.17

Nebridius etiam, qui relicta patria vicina Carthagini atque ipsa Carthagine, ubi frequentissimus erat, relicto paterno rure optimo, relicta domo et non secutura matre, nullam ob aliam causam Mediolanium venerat, nisi ut mecum viveret in flagrantissimo studio veritatis atque sapientiae, pariter suspirabat pariterque fluctuabat, beatae vitae inquisitor ardens et quaestionum difficillimarum scrutator acerrimus. et erant ora trium egentium et inopiam suam sibimet invicem anhelantium et ad te expectantium, ut dares eis escam in tempore opportuno. et in omni amaritudine quae nostros saeculares actus de misericordia tua sequebatur, intuentibus nobis finem cur ea pateremur, occurrebant tenebrae, et aversabamur gementes et dicebamus, 'quamdiu haec?' et hoc crebro dicebamus, et dicentes non relinquebamus ea, quia non elucebat certum aliquid quod illis relictis apprehenderemus.

Nebridius too, who, having left his fatherland near Carthage and Carthage itself, where he was most frequent, having left his father’s excellent countryside estate, having left home and a mother who would not follow, had come to Milan for no other cause than to live with me in the most fervent zeal for truth and wisdom, was sighing in like manner and was likewise tossed, an ardent inquisitor of the blessed life and a most keen scrutinizer of the most difficult questions. And there were the mouths of three needy men, panting to one another over their mutual indigence and looking to you, that you might give them food in a seasonable time. And in all the bitterness which, from your mercy, followed our secular acts, as we looked to the end, why we were suffering these things, darkness would meet us, and we turned away groaning and said, “How long these things?” and this we said frequently, and saying it we did not relinquish them, because nothing certain shone forth which, those things left, we might apprehend.

6.11.18

et ego maxime mirabar, satagens et recolens quam longum tempus esset ab undevicensimo anno aetatis meae, quo fervere coeperam studio sapientiae, disponens ea inventa relinquere omnes vanarum cupiditatum spes inanes et insanias mendaces. et ecce iam tricenariam aetatem gerebam, in eodem luto haesitans aviditate fruendi praesentibus fugientibus et dissipantibus me, dum dico, 'cras inveniam. ecce manifestum apparebit, et tenebo.

and I especially was marveling, striving and recollecting how long a time it had been since the nineteenth year of my age, when I had begun to seethe with the study of wisdom, disposing that, once these things were discovered, I would relinquish all the empty hopes of vain cupidities and mendacious insanities. And behold, I was already bearing my thirtieth year, sticking in the same mud, with an avidity for enjoying present things—fleeing and dispersing me—while I say, 'Tomorrow I shall find it. Behold, it will appear manifest, and I shall hold it.

ecce Faustus veniet et exponet omnia. o magni viri academici! nihil ad agendam vitam certi comprehendi potest.

behold, Faustus will come and will expound everything. o great Academic men! nothing certain can be comprehended for the conduct of life.

immo quaeramus diligentius et non desperemus. ecce iam non sunt absurda in libris ecclesiasticis quae absurda videbantur, et possunt aliter atque honeste intellegi. figam pedes in eo gradu in quo puer a parentibus positus eram, donec inveniatur perspicua veritas.

Nay rather, let us seek more diligently and let us not despair. Behold, what in the ecclesiastical books had seemed absurd are now not absurd, and they can be understood otherwise and honorably. I will plant my feet upon that grade in which, as a boy, I was placed by my parents, until the perspicuous truth be found.

sed ubi quaeretur? quando quaeretur? non vacat Ambrosio, non vacat legere.

but where will it be sought? when will it be sought? Ambrose is not at leisure, there is no leisure to read.

ubi ipsos codices quaerimus? unde aut quando comparamus? a quibus sumimus?

Where do we seek the codices themselves? Whence or when do we procure them? From whom do we obtain them?

deputentur tempora, distribuantur horae pro salute animae. magna spes oborta est: non docet catholica fides quod putabamus et vani accusabamus. nefas habent docti eius credere deum figura humani corporis terminatum.

Let times be allotted, let hours be distributed for the salvation of the soul. great hope has arisen: the catholic faith does not teach what we supposed and in our vanity were accusing. its learned hold it impious to believe that god is limited by the figure of the human body.

et dubitamus pulsare, quo aperiantur cetera? antemeridianis horis discipuli occupant: ceteris quid facimus? cur non id agimus?

and do we hesitate to knock, that the rest may be opened? In the ante-meridian hours the disciples occupy: with the others what do we do? why do we not do that?

sed quando salutamus amicos maiores, quorum suffragiis opus habemus? quando praeparamus quod emant scholastici? quando reparamus nos ipsos

but when do we salute our greater friends, whose suffrages we need? when do we prepare what the scholastics may buy? when do we repair ourselves

6.11.19

et dimittamus haec vana et inania: conferamus nos ad solam inquisitionem veritatis. vita misera est, mors incerta est. subito obrepat: quomodo hinc exibimus?

and let us dismiss these vain and inane things: let us commit ourselves to the sole inquisition of truth. life is wretched, death is uncertain. let it creep up suddenly: how shall we exit from here?

et ubi nobis discenda sunt quae hic negleximus? ac non potius huius neglegentiae supplicia luenda? quid si mors ipsa omnem curam cum sensu amputabit et finiet?

and where are the things to be learned by us which we have neglected here? and are not rather the penalties of this negligence to be paid? what if death itself will cut off and bring to an end all concern along with sensation?

ergo et hoc quaerendum. sed absit ut ita sit. non vacat, non est inane, quod tam eminens culmen auctoritatis christianae fidei toto orbe diffunditur.

Therefore this too must be inquired. But far be it that it be so. For such an eminent summit of the authority of the Christian faith is diffused throughout the whole orb.

numquam tanta et talia pro nobis divinitus agerentur, si morte corporis etiam vita animae consumeretur. quid cunctamur igitur relicta spe saeculi conferre nos totos ad quaerendum deum et vitam beatam? sed expecta: iucunda sunt etiam ista, habent non parvam dulcedinem suam; non facile ab eis praecidenda est intentio, quia turpe est ad ea rursum redire.

Never would such great and such things be wrought divinely on our behalf, if by the death of the body the life of the soul also were consumed. Why do we delay, then, with worldly hope left behind, to devote ourselves wholly to seeking God and the blessed life? But wait: these things too are delightful; they have no small sweetness of their own; the mind’s intention is not easily to be cut off from them, because it is disgraceful to go back to them again.

ecce iam quantum est ut impetretur aliquis honor. et quid amplius in his desiderandum? suppetit amicorum maiorum copia: ut nihil aliud et multum festinemus, vel praesidatus dari potest.

Behold now how little it takes for some honor to be obtained. And what more is to be desiderated in these things? An abundance of greater (senior) friends is at hand: so that, without anything further, if we only hurry much, even a praesidency (provincial governorship) can be given.

et ducenda uxor cum aliqua pecunia, ne sumptum nostrum gravet, et ille erit modus cupiditatis. multi magni viri et imitatione dignissimi sapientiae studio cum coniugibus dediti fuerunt.'

and a wife must be taken with some money, lest she burden our expense, and that will be the measure of cupidity. many great men and most worthy of imitation have been devoted to the study of sapience together with their spouses.'

6.11.20

cum haec dicebam et alternabant hi venti et impellebant huc atque illuc cor meum, transibant tempora et tardabam converti ad dominum, et differebam de die in diem vivere in te et non differebam cotidie in memet ipso mori. amans beatam vitam timebam illam in sede sua et ab ea fugiens quaerebam eam. putabam enim me miserum fore nimis si feminae privarer amplexibus, et medicinam misericordiae tuae ad eandem infirmitatem sanandam non cogitabam, quia expertus non eram, et propriarum virium credebam esse continentiam, quarum mihi non eram conscius, cum tam stultus essem ut nescirem, sicut scriptum est, neminem posse esse continentem nisi tu dederis.

while I was saying these things and these winds alternated and were driving my heart here and there, the times were passing and I was delaying to be converted to the Lord, and I was deferring from day to day to live in you and I was not deferring every day to die in myself. loving the blessed life, I feared it in its own seat, and fleeing from it I was seeking it. for I supposed I would be too wretched if I were deprived of a woman’s embraces, and I did not consider the medicine of your mercy for healing that same infirmity, because I had not experienced it, and I believed continence to be of my own powers, of which I was not conscious, since I was so foolish as not to know, as it is written, that no one can be continent unless you give it.

utique dares, si gemitu interno pulsarem aures tuas et fide solida in te iactarem curam meam.

surely you would grant it, if with an internal groan I were knocking at your ears and with solid faith I were casting my care upon you.

6.12.21

prohibebat me sane Alypius ab uxore ducenda, cantans nullo modo nos posse securo otio simul in amore sapientiae vivere, sicut iam diu desideraremus, si id fecissem. erat enim ipse in ea re etiam tunc castissimus, ita ut mirum esset, quia vel experientiam concubitus ceperat in ingressu adulescentiae suae, sed non haeserat magisque doluerat et spreverat et deinde iam continentissime vivebat. ego autem resistebam illi exemplis eorum qui coniugati coluissent sapientiam et promeruissent deum et habuissent fideliter ac dilexissent amicos.

Alypius indeed was prohibiting me from taking a wife, chanting that in no way could we live together in secure leisure in the love of wisdom, as we had long desired, if I did that. For he himself even then in that matter was most chaste, so that it was a marvel, because he had even taken an experience of concubitus at the entry of his adolescence, but it had not stuck; rather he had grieved over it and despised it, and thereafter was already living most continently. I, however, was resisting him with examples of those who, married, had cultivated wisdom and had merited God, and had faithfully had and loved friends.

a quorum ego quidem granditate animi longe aberam et deligatus morbo carnis mortifera suavitate trahebam catenam meam, solvi timens et quasi concusso vulnere repellens verba bene suadentis tamquam manum solventis. insuper etiam per me ipsi quoque Alypio loquebatur serpens, et innectebat atque spargebat per linguam meam dulces laqueos in via eius, quibus illi honesti et expediti pedes implicarentur.

I, indeed, was far from the grandeur of spirit of those men, and, bound by the disease of the flesh, by its mortiferous sweetness I was dragging my chain, fearing to be loosed and, as if with a shaken wound, repelling the words of one counseling well as though the hand of one unbinding. Moreover, through me the serpent was speaking even to Alypius himself, and was weaving and scattering through my tongue sweet snares in his way, by which his honest and unencumbered feet might be entangled.

6.12.22

cum enim me ille miraretur, quem non parvi penderet, ita haerere visco illius voluptatis ut me adfirmarem, quotienscumque inde inter nos quaereremus, caelibem vitam nullo modo posse degere atque ita me defenderem, cum illum mirantem viderem, ut dicerem multum interesse inter illud quod ipse raptim et furtim expertus esset, quod paene iam ne meminisset quidem atque ideo nulla molestia facile contemneret, et delectationes consuetudinis meae, ad quas si accessisset honestum nomen matrimonii, non eum mirari oportere cur ego illam vitam nequirem spernere, coeperat et ipse desiderare coniugium, nequaquam victus libidine talis voluptatis sed curiositatis. dicebat enim scire se cupere quidnam esset illud sine quo vita mea, quae illi sic placebat, non mihi vita sed poena videretur. stupebat enim liber ab illo vinculo animus servitutem meam et stupendo ibat in experiendi cupidinem, venturus in ipsam experientiam atque inde fortasse lapsurus in eam quam stupebat servitutem, quoniam sponsionem volebat facere cum morte, et qui amat periculum incidet in illud.

for when he admired me—whom he did not hold in small esteem—as sticking to the birdlime of that pleasure to such a degree that I asserted, whenever we discussed the matter between ourselves, that a celibate life could in no way be lived, and I would defend myself thus, when I saw him marveling, by saying that there was a great difference between that which he himself had tasted hastily and stealthily—so that he scarcely now even remembered it, and therefore could easily, without any trouble, contemn it—and the delectations of my habit; to which, if the honorable name of matrimony were added, he ought not to wonder why I could not scorn that life; he too had begun to desire conjugal union, by no means conquered by the libido of such pleasure, but by curiosity. For he said he wished to know what that was, without which my life, which pleased him so, seemed to me not life but a penalty. For, free from that bond, his mind was amazed at my servitude, and by being amazed was moving into a desire of experiencing it, about to come into the experience itself, and thence perhaps to slip into that servitude at which he marveled, since he wished to make a wager with death; and he who loves peril will fall into it.

neutrum enim nostrum, si quod est coniugale decus in officio regendi matrimonii et suscipiendorum liberorum, ducebat nisi tenuiter. magna autem ex parte atque vehementer consuetudo satiandae insatiabilis concupiscentiae me captum excruciabat, illum autem admiratio capiendum trahebat. sic eramus, donec tu, altissime, non deserens humum nostram miseratus miseros subvenires miris et occultis modis.

for neither of us reckoned, save slightly, whatever conjugal honor there is in the office of governing marriage and of undertaking the procreation of children. But for the most part and vehemently, the habit of satiating an insatiable concupiscence was torturing me, a captive; while him admiration was dragging on to be captured. Thus we were, until you, Most High, not deserting our earth, having pitied the wretched, did succor us by wondrous and occult ways.

6.13.23

et instabatur impigre ut ducerem uxorem. iam petebam, iam promittebatur maxime matre dante operam, quo me iam coniugatum baptismus salutaris ablueret, quo me in dies gaudebat aptari et vota sua ac promissa tua in mea fide compleri animadvertebat. cum sane et rogatu meo et desiderio suo forti clamore cordis abs te deprecaretur cotidie ut ei per visum ostenderes aliquid de futuro matrimonio meo, numquam voluisiti.

and it was urged on vigorously that I should take a wife. already I was seeking, already it was being promised, especially with my mother giving her effort, in order that the saving baptism might wash me, now married, wherein she rejoiced day by day that I was being fitted, and she observed that her vows and your promises were being fulfilled in my faith. now indeed, both at my request and by her own desire, with a strong cry of heart she would beseech from you daily that you would show her by a vision something about my future matrimony; you never willed it.

et videbat quaedam vana et phantastica, quo cogebat impetus de hac re satagentis humani spiritus, et narrabat mihi non cum fiducia qua solebat, cum tu demonstrabas ei, sed contemnens ea. dicebat enim discernere se nescio quo sapore, quem verbis explicare non poterat, quid interesset inter revelantem te et animam suam somniantem. instabatur tamen, et puella petebatur, cuius aetas ferme biennio minus quam nubilis erat, et quia ea placebat, exspectabatur.

and she saw certain vain and fantastic things, to which the impulse of the human spirit, busily striving about this matter, drove her; and she used to tell them to me not with the confidence with which she was wont when you showed things to her, but despising them. For she said she discerned, by I know not what savor, which she could not express in words, what the difference was between you revealing and her own soul dreaming. Nevertheless, there was insistence, and a girl was being sought, whose age was nearly by a biennium less than marriageable, and because she pleased, she was being awaited.

6.14.24

et multi amici agitaveramus animo et conloquentes ac detestantes turbulentas humanae vitae molestias paene iam firmaveramus remoti a turbis otiose vivere, id otium sic moliti ut, si quid habere possemus, conferremus in medium unamque rem familiarem conflaremus ex omnibus, ut per amicitiae sinceritatem non esset aliud huius et aliud illius, sed quod ex cunctis fieret unum et universum singulorum esset et omnia omnium, cum videremur nobis esse posse decem ferme homines in eadem societate essentque inter nos praedivites, Romanianus maxime communiceps noster, quem tunc graves aestus negotiorum suorum ad comitatum attraxerant, ab ineunte aetate mihi familiarissimus. qui maxime instabat huic rei et magnam in suadendo habebat auctoritatem, quod ampla res eius multum ceteris anteibat. et placuerat nobis ut bini annui tamquam magistratus omnia necessaria curarent ceteris quietis.

and many friends we had revolved it in mind, and, conversing and detesting the turbulent annoyances of human life, we had almost already made firm to live at leisure, remote from the crowds, contriving that leisure thus: that, if we could have anything, we would contribute it into the common and would fuse one household-estate out of all, so that through the sincerity of friendship there would not be one thing of this man and another of that, but what from all should be made one, and the whole should belong to each individual, and all things to all, since we seemed to ourselves that we could be about ten men in the same fellowship; and there were among us the very-rich, especially Romanianus, our fellow townsman, whom at that time the grievous heats of his own affairs had drawn to the imperial court, most intimate to me from earliest youth. he was the one who pressed this matter most and had great authority in persuading, because his ample estate far outstripped the rest. and it had pleased us that, by twos yearly, as if magistrates, they should take care of all necessities, the rest being at ease.

sed posteaquam coepit cogitari utrum hoc mulierculae sinerent, quas et alii nostrum iam habebant et nos habere volebamus, totum illud placitum, quod bene formabamus, dissiluit in manibus atque confractum et abiectum est. inde ad suspiria et gemitus et gressus ad sequendas latas et tritas vias saeculi, quoniam multae cogitationes erant in corde nostro, consilium autem tuum manet in aeternum. ex quo consilio deridebas nostra et tua praeparabas nobis, daturus escam in opportunitate et aperturus manum atque impleturus animas nostras benedictione.

but after it began to be considered whether the womenfolk would allow this—whom some of ours already had, and we wished to have—the whole agreement, which we were shaping well, burst apart in our hands and was shattered and cast away. thence came sighs and groans and steps to follow the broad and well-worn ways of the world, since many thoughts were in our heart, but your counsel abides unto eternity. from which counsel you were laughing to scorn our designs and preparing your own for us, about to give food in due season and to open your hand and fill our souls with benediction.

6.15.25

interea mea peccata multiplicabantur, et avulsa a latere meo tamquam impedimento coniugii cum qua cubare solitus eram, cor, ubi adhaerebat, concisum et vulneratum mihi erat et trahebat sanguinem. et illa in Africam redierat, vovens tibi alium se virum nescituram, relicto apud me naturali ex illa filio meo. at ego infelix nec feminae imitator, dilationis impatiens, tamquam post biennium accepturus eam quam petebam, quia non amator coniugii sed libidinis servus eram, procuravi aliam, non utique coniugem, quo tamquam sustentaretur et perduceretur vel integer vel auctior morbus animae meae satellitio perdurantis consuetudinis in regnum uxorium.

meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and she with whom I had been accustomed to lie, torn from my side as though an impediment to conjugal union, my heart, where it had adhered, was cut and wounded and drew blood. and she had returned to Africa, vowing to you that she would know no other man, leaving with me my natural son by her. but I, unhappy, not an imitator of the woman, impatient of dilation, as though after two years I would receive her whom I was petitioning, because I was not a lover of marriage but a slave of libido, I procured another, assuredly not a wife, in order that the disease of my soul might, as it were, be sustained and carried forward, either intact or augmented, by the retinue of a persisting custom into the uxorial realm.

nec sanabatur vulnus illud meum quod prioris praecisione factum erat, sed post fervorem doloremque acerrimum putrescebat, et quasi frigidius sed desperatius dolebat.

nor was that wound of mine healed which had been made by the cutting-off of the former, but after the fervor and most sharp pain it was putrefying, and, as though colder yet more desperate, it ached.

6.16.26

tibi laus, tibi gloria, fons misericordiarum! ego fiebam miserior et tu propinquior. aderat iam iamque dextera tua raptura me de caeno et ablutura, et ignorabam.

to you praise, to you glory, fountain of mercies! i was becoming more wretched and you nearer. your right hand was already, even now, present, about to snatch me from the mire and to wash me, and i did not know.

nec me revocabat a profundiore voluptatum carnalium gurgite nisi metus mortis et futuri iudicii tui, qui per varias quidem opiniones numquam tamen recessit de pectore meo. et disputabam cum amicis meis Alypio et Nebridio de finibus bonorum et malorum: Epicurum accepturum fuisse palmam in animo meo, nisi ego credidissem post mortem restare animae vitam et tractus meritorum, quod Epicurus credere noluit. et quaerebam si essemus immortales et in perpetua corporis voluptate sine ullo amissionis terrore viveremus, cur non essemus beati aut quid aliud quaereremus, nesciens idipsum ad magnam miseriam pertinere quod ita demersus et caecus cogitare non possem lumen honestatis et gratis amplectendae pulchritudinis quam non videt oculus carnis, et videtur ex intimo.

nor did anything call me back from the deeper whirlpool of carnal pleasures except the fear of death and of your future judgment, which, amid various opinions, nevertheless never departed from my breast. and I was disputing with my friends Alypius and Nebridius about the ends of goods and evils: that Epicurus would have received the palm in my mind, unless I had believed that after death there remains for the soul life and the drawn-out consequences of merits—which Epicurus was unwilling to believe. and I was asking, if we were immortal and lived in perpetual pleasure of the body without any terror of loss, why we should not be blessed or what else we would seek, not knowing that this very thing pertains to great misery: that, thus submerged and blind, I could not think upon the light of honorableness and of beauty to be embraced gratuitously, which the eye of the flesh does not see, and which is seen from the inmost.

nec considerabam miser ex qua vena mihi manaret quod ista ipsa foeda tamen cum amicis dulciter conferebam, nec esse sine amicis poteram beatus, etiam secundum sensum quem tunc habebam in quantalibet affluentia carnalium voluptatum. quos utique amicos gratis diligebam vicissimque ab eis me diligi gratis sentiebam. o tortuosas vias!

nor did I, wretch that I was, consider from what vein there flowed to me that I was sweetly conversing with friends about these very foul things, nor could I be happy without friends, even according to the sense I then had, in whatever abundance of carnal pleasures; these friends indeed I loved gratis, and in turn I felt that I was loved gratis by them. O tortuous ways!

vae animae audaci quae speravit, si a te recessisset, se aliquid melius habituram! versa et reversa in tergum et in latera et in ventrem, et dura sunt omnia, et tu solus requies. et ecce ades et liberas a miserabilibus erroribus et constituis nos in via tua et consolaris et dicis, 'currite, ego feram et ego perducam et ibi ego feram.'

woe to the audacious soul which hoped that, if it had withdrawn from you, it would have something better! turned and turned back onto the back and onto the sides and onto the belly, and all things are hard, and you alone are rest. and behold, you are present and you free from miserable errors and establish us on your way and console, and you say, 'run, I will bear, and I will conduct, and there I will bear.'

Submitted by James J. O'Donnell (Univ. of Pennsylvania) from his new edition. Prof.

O'Donnell's introduction and commentary may be found at the original site: The Confessions of Augustine: An Electronic Edition