Plautus: Pseudolus

PSEVDOLVS SERVVS
CALIDORVS ADVLESCENS
BALLIO LENO
SIMO SENEX
CALLIPHO SENEX
HARPAX SERVVS
CHARINVS ADVLESCENS
PVER
COCVS
SIMIA SERVVS

PSEUDOLUS SLAVE
CALIDORUS ADOLESCENT
BALLIO PANDER
SIMO OLD MAN
CALLIPHO OLD MAN
HARPAX SLAVE
CHARINUS ADOLESCENT
BOY
COOK
SIMIA SLAVE

ARGVMENTVM I

ARGUMENT 1

Praesentis numerat quindecim miles minas,
Simul consignat symbolum, ut Phoenicium
Ei det leno, qui eum cum relicuo adferat.
Venientem caculam intervortit symbolo,
Dicens Syrum se Ballionis, Pseudolus
Opemque erili ita tulit; nam Simmiae
Leno mulierem, quem is supposuit, tradidit.
Venit Harpax verus: res palam cognoscitur,
Senexque argentum, quod erat pactus, reddidit.

Presently the soldier counts out fifteen minas,
Simultaneously he countersigns a token,
Enjoining that the pimp give him Phoenicium to whoever brings it with the remainder.
Viewing the lackey as he comes, he diverts him with the token,
Declaring himself Ballio’s Syrian, Pseudolus,
Offers help to his master in this way; for to Simia
Likewise the pimp handed over the woman, whom he had put forward as a substitute.
Verily the true Harpax arrives: the matter is recognized openly,
So the old man paid back the silver that had been agreed.

ARGVMENTVM II

ARGUMENT 2

Calidorus iuvenis meretricem Phoenicium
ecflictim deperibat, nummorum indigus;
eandem miles, qui viginti mulierem
minis mercatus abiit, solvit quindecim.
scortum reliquit ad lenonem ac symbolum,
ut qui attulisset signum simile cetero
cum pretio, secum aveheret emptam mulierem.
mox missus ut prehendat scortum a milite
venit calator militaris.

Calidorus, a young man, was desperately dying for the meretrix Phoenicium,
indigent of coins; the same woman a soldier, who had bought the woman for twenty minas,
departed, paid fifteen.
he left the harlot with the pander and a symbol,
that whoever had brought a sign similar together with the remaining
price might carry off with him the purchased woman.
soon, sent to seize the harlot by the soldier,
there comes a military calator.

hunc dolo
adgreditur adulescentis servus Pseudolus
tamquam lenonis atriensis: symbolum
aufert, minasque quinque acceptas mutuas
dat subditicio caculae cum symbolo;
lenonem fallit sychophanta cacula.
scorto Calidorus potitur, vino Pseudolus.

him by a trick
the servant of the adolescent, Pseudolus, approaches
as the pimp’s hall-steward: the symbol
he carries off, and five minae received on loan
he gives to a substitute lackey along with the symbol;
the sycophant lackey deceives the pimp.
with the harlot Calidorus gains possession, with the wine Pseudolus.

PROLOGVS

PROLOGUE

Exporgi meliust lumbos atque exsurgier:
Plautina longa fabula in scaenam venit.

It is better to stretch the loins and to arise:
a long Plautine play comes onto the stage.

ACTVS I

ACT 1

I.i
PSEVDOLVS Si ex te tacente fieri possem certior,
ere, quae miseriae te tam misere macerent,
duorum labori ego hominum parsissem lubens, 5
mei te rogandi et tis respondendi mihi;
nunc quoniam id fieri non potest, necessitas
me subigit ut te rogitem. responde mihi:
quid est quod tu exanimatus iam hos multos dies
gestas tabellas tecum, eas lacrumis lavis, 10
neque tui participem consili quemquam facis?
eloquere, ut quod ego nescio id tecum sciam.

I.i
PSEUDOLUS If, with you silent, I could be made more certain, master,
what miseries so miserably macerate you,
I would gladly have spared the labor of two men, 5
the labor of my asking you and of your answering me;
now, since that cannot be done, necessity
drives me to ask you. Answer me:
what is it, that you, distraught, for these many days now
carry tablets with you, you wash them with tears, 10
and you make no one participant of your counsel?
speak out, so that what I do not know I may know with you.

CALIDORVS Misere miser sum, Pseudole. PS. Id te Iuppiter
prohibessit. CAL. Nihil hoc Iovis ad iudicium attinet:
sub Veneris regno vapulo, non sub Iovis. 15
PS. Licet me id scire quid sit?

CALIDORVS I am miserably miserable, Pseudolus. PS. May Jupiter
forbid that for you. CAL. This has nothing to do with Jupiter’s judgment:
under the reign of Venus I am getting a thrashing, not under Jupiter’s. 15
PS. May I know what that is?

nam tu me antidhac
supremum habuisti comitem consiliis tuis.
CAL. Idem animus nunc est. PS. Face me certum quid tibist;
iuvabo aut re aut opera aut consilio bono.

for you heretofore
have held me as your foremost companion in your counsels.
CAL. I am of the same mind now. PS. Make me certain what it is with you;
I will help either with means or with service or with good counsel.

CAL. Cape has tabellas, tute hinc narrato tibi 20
quae me miseria et cura contabefacit.
PS. Mos tibi geretur. sed quid hoc, quaeso?

CAL. Take these tablets; you yourself from here tell yourself 20
what misery and care is wasting me away.
PS. Your wish will be carried out. But what is this, pray?

CAL. Quid est?
PS. Vt opinor, quaerunt litterae hae sibi liberos:
alia aliam scandit. CAL. Ludis iam ludo tuo?

CAL. What is it?
PS. As I suppose, these letters are seeking children for themselves: one mounts another.
CAL. Are you now playing your game?

PS. Has quidem pol credo nisi Sibulla legerit, 25
interpretari alium posse neminem.
CAL. Cur inclementer dicis lepidis litteris
lepidis tabellis lepida conscriptis manu?
PS. An, opsecro hercle, habent quas gallinae manus?

PS. These indeed, by Pollux, I believe that unless the Sibyl reads them, 25
no one else could interpret.
CAL. Why do you speak harshly about the pretty letters,
the pretty tablets, written by a pretty hand?
PS. Or, I beseech, by Hercules, do hens have hands?

nam has quidem gallina scripsit. CAL. Odiosus mihi es. 30
lege vel tabellas redde. PS. Immo enim pellegam.

for indeed a hen wrote these. CAL. You are odious to me. 30
read, or return the tablets. PS. Nay indeed, I will read them through.

advortito animum. CAL. Non adest. PS. At tu cita.

Advert your mind. CAL. It is not here. PS. Then you summon it.

CAL. Immo ego tacebo, tu istinc ex cera cita;
nam istic meus animus nunc est, non in pectore.
PS. Tuam amicam video, Calidore. CAL. Vbi ea est, opsecro? 35
PS. Eccam in tabellis porrectam: in cera cubat.

CAL. Nay rather, I will be silent; you from over there summon her from the wax;
for there my mind is now, not in my breast.
PS. I see your girlfriend, Calidorus. CAL. Where is she, I beg? 35
PS. Look, there she is on the tablets, stretched out: she lies in the wax.

CAL. At te di deaeque quantumst— PS. Servassint quidem.
CAL. Quasi solstitialis herba paulisper fui:
repente exortus sum, repentino occidi.
PS. Tace, dum tabellas pellego.

CAL. But may all the gods and goddesses— PS. May they indeed preserve you.
CAL. Like a solstitial herb I was for a little while:
I sprang up suddenly, I was suddenly cut down.
PS. Hush, while I peruse the tablets.

CAL. Ergo quin legis? 40
PS. 'Phoenicium Calidoro amatori suo
per ceram et lignum litterasque interpretes
salutem mittit et salutem abs te expetit,
lacrumans titubanti animo, corde et pectore.'
CAL. Perii, salutem nusquam invenio, Pseudole, 45
quam illi remittam. PS. Quam salutem? CAL. Argenteam.

CAL. So then why don’t you read? 40
PS. “Phoenicium to Calidorus, her lover,
through wax and wood, with letters as interpreters,
sends salutation and seeks salutation from you,
weeping, with a tottering mind, heart, and breast.”
CAL. I’m undone, I can find no salutation anywhere, Pseudolus, 45
to send back to her. PS. What salutation? CAL. A silver one.

PS. Pro lignean salute vis argenteam
remittere illi? vide sis quam tu rem geras.
CAL. Recita modo: ex tabellis iam faxo scies
quam subito argento mi usus invento siet. 50
PS. 'Leno me peregre militi Macedonio
minis viginti vendidit, voluptas mea;
et prius quam hinc abiit, quindecim miles minas
dederat; nunc unae quinque remorantur minae.

PS. For a wooden “salvation” do you wish to send back a silver one to her? See, please, what business you are managing.
CAL. Just read: from the tablets I’ll make you know right now how suddenly a use for silver has been found for me. 50
PS. “The pimp has sold me abroad to a Macedonian soldier for twenty minas, my delight;
and before he went away from here, the soldier had given fifteen minas; now a single five-mina installment is delaying.”

ea causa miles hic reliquit symbolum, 55
expressam in cera ex anulo suam imaginem,
ut qui huc adferret eius similem symbolum,
cum eo simul me mitteret. ei rei dies
haec praestituta est, proxuma Dionysia.'
cras ea quidem sunt. CAL. Prope adest exitium mihi, 60
nisi quid mihi in te est auxili.

for that cause the soldier left here a token, 55
his likeness pressed in wax from his ring,
so that whoever should bring here a similar token of his,
with him he would send me at the same time. For this matter this day
has been appointed, the next Dionysia.'
tomorrow those indeed are. CAL. Destruction is near to me, 60
unless there is some help for me in you.

PS. Sine pellegam.
CAL. Sino, nam mihi videor cum ea fabularier;
lege: dulce amarumque una nunc misces mihi.
PS. 'Nunc nostri amores mores consuetudines,
[iocus ludus sermo suavisaviatio]                   65
compressiones artae amantum corporum,
teneris labellis molles morsiunculae,
[nostrorum orgiorum—iunculae]                    67a
papillarum horridularum oppressiunculae,
harunc voluptatum mi omnium atque itidem tibi
distractio discidium vastities venit,               70
nisi quae mihi in test aut tibist in me salus.

PS. Allow me to read through.
CAL. I allow it, for I seem to myself to be chatting with her; read: you now mix sweet and bitter together for me at once.
PS. 'Now our loves, our mores, our customs,
[jest play discourse suaviation]                   65
the tight compressions of lovers’ bodies,
soft little nibbles with tender little lips,
[of our orgies—little joinings]                    67a
little pressings of slightly bristling nipples,
the sundering, the separation, the desolation of all these pleasures has come to me, and likewise to you,               70
unless there is some salvation that is in you for me, or is in me for you.

haec quae ego scivi ut scires curavi omnia;
nunc ego te experiar quid ames, quid simules. vale.'
CAL. Est misere scriptum, Pseudole. PS. O, miserrime.

All these things which I knew I took care that you should know, all of them;
now I will test you—what you love, what you simulate. farewell.'
CAL. It is miserably written, Pseudolus. PS. O, most wretched!

CAL. Quin fles? PS. Pumiceos oculos habeo: non queo 75
lacrumam exorare ut expuant unam modo.
CAL. Quid ita?

CAL. Why not weep? PS. I have pumiceous eyes: I cannot 75
draw forth a tear, to make them spit out even a single one.
CAL. Why so?

PS. Genus nostrum semper siccoculum fuit.
CAL. Nilne adiuvare me audes? PS. Quid faciam tibi?

PS. Our kind has always been dry-eyed.
CAL. Do you not dare to help me at all? PS. What am I to do for you?

CAL. Eheu. PS. Eheu? id quidem hercle ne parsis: dabo.

CAL. Alas. PS. “Alas?” That indeed, by Hercules, do not spare: I’ll provide it.

CAL. Miser sum, argentum nusquam invenio mutuom. 80
PS. Eheu. CAL. Neque intus nummus ullus est. PS. Eheu.

CAL. I am miserable; I can find no silver anywhere to borrow. 80
PS. Alas. CAL. Nor is there any coin inside. PS. Alas.

CAL. Ille abducturus est mulierem cras. PS. Eheu.
CAL. Istocine pacto me adiuvas?

CAL. He is going to abduct the woman tomorrow. PS. Alas.
CAL. Are you aiding me in such a fashion?

PS. Do id quod mihi est;
nam is mihi thensaurus iugis in nostra est domo.
CAL. Actum est de me hodie. sed potes nunc mutuam 85
drachumam dare unam mihi, quam cras reddam tibi?

PS. I give what is mine;
for that is to me a perpetual treasure in our house.
CAL. I’m done for today. But can you now give me on loan 85
one drachma, which I’ll pay back to you tomorrow?

PS. Vix hercle, opinor, si me opponam pignori.
sed quid ea drachuma facere vis? CAL. Restim volo
mihi emere.

PS. Hardly, by Hercules, I think, even if I set myself up as a pledge.
but what do you want to do with that drachma? CAL. I want to buy a rope for myself.

PS. Quam ob rem? CAL. Qui me faciam pensilem.
certum est mihi ante tenebras tenebras persequi. 90
PS. Quis mi igitur drachumam reddet, si dedero tibi?

PS. Why so? CAL. So that I may make myself a hanging man.
it is settled for me, before the darkness, to pursue the darkness. 90
PS. Who then will pay me back the drachma, if I give it to you?

an tu te ea causa vis sciens suspendere
ut me defraudes, drachumam si dederim tibi?
CAL. Profecto nullo pacto possum vivere,
si illa a me abalienatur atque abducitur. 95
PS. Quid fles, cucule? vives.

or do you wish, knowingly, to hang yourself for this reason
so that you may defraud me, if I should give you the drachma?
CAL. Indeed by no means can I live,
if she is alienated from me and led away. 95
PS. Why do you weep, cuckoo? you will live.

CAL. Quid ego ni fleam,
quoi nec paratus nummus argenti siet
neque libellai spes sit usquam gentium?
PS. Vt litterarum ego harum sermonem audio,
nisi tu illi lacrumis fleveris argenteis, 100
quod tu istis lacrumis te probare postulas,
non pluris refert quam si imbrem in cribrum geras.
verum ego te amantem, ne pave, non deseram.

CAL. Why should I not weep,
I to whom there is neither ready coin of silver
nor any hope of a little coin anywhere among mankind?
PS. As I hear the discourse of these letters,
unless you have wept for her with silver tears, 100
what you are asking—to prove yourself by those tears of yours—
matters no more than if you carry a rainstorm in a sieve.
but I, you being a lover—do not fear—will not desert you.

spero alicunde hodie me bona opera aut hac mea
tibi inventurum esse auxilium argentarium. 105
atque id futurum unde unde dicam nescio,
nisi quia futurum est: ita supercilium salit.
CAL. Vtinam quae dicis dictis facta suppetant.
PS. Scis tu quidem hercle, mea si commovi sacra,
quo pacto et quantas soleam turbellas dare. 110
CAL. In te nunc omnes spes sunt aetati meae.

I hope from somewhere or other today, by good offices or by my own means,
to find for you monetary aid. 105
And that it will be—from wherever—I know not how to say,
except that it will be: so my eyebrow jumps.
CAL. Would that what you say may have deeds to supply the words.
PS. You surely know, by Hercules, if I have stirred my rites,
in what fashion and how great commotions I am wont to give. 110
CAL. In you now are all the hopes of my life.

PS. Satin est, si hanc hodie mulierem efficio tibi
tua ut sit, aut si tibi do viginti minas?
CAL. Satis, si futurumst. PS. Roga me viginti minas,
ut me effecturum tibi quod promisi scias. 115
roga, opsecro hercle.

PS. Is it enough, if today I make this woman yours
or if I give you twenty minae?
CAL. Enough, if it will be. PS. Ask me for twenty minae,
so that you may know that I will effect for you what I have promised. 115
ask, by Hercules I beseech.

gestio promittere.
CAL. Dabisne argenti mi hodie viginti minas?
PS. Dabo.

I am eager to promise.
CAL. Will you give me today twenty minas of silver?
PS. I will give.

molestus nunciam ne sis mihi.
atque hoc, ne dictum tibi neges, dico prius:
si neminem alium potero, tuom tangam patrem. 120
CAL. Di te mihi semper servent. verum, si potest,
pietatis causa—vel etiam matrem quoque.

don’t be a nuisance to me now. And this—so you don’t deny it was said to you—I say beforehand:
if I can get no one else, I will touch your father. 120
CAL. May the gods always preserve you for me. But, if it can be, for piety’s sake—aye, even my mother as well.

PS. De istac re in oculum utrumvis conquiescito.
CAL. Oculum anne in aurem? PS. At hoc pervolgatumst minus.

PS. About that matter, do settle down on either eye.
CAL. On the eye or on the ear? PS. But that is less pervulgated.

nunc, ne quis dictum sibi neget, dico omnibus 125
pube praesenti in contione: omni poplo,
omnibus amicis notisque edico meis,
in hunc diem a me ut caveant, ne credant mihi.
CAL. St, tace opsecro hercle. PS. Quid negoti est?

now, lest anyone deny that it has been said to him, I say to all 125
to the present adult populace in the assembly: to all the people,
I issue an edict to all my friends and acquaintances,
that for this day they beware of me, not to credit me.
CAL. Hush, be silent, I beseech you, by Hercules. PS. What business is it?

CAL. Ostium 129-130
lenonis crepuit. PS. Crura mavellem modo. 131
CAL. Atque ipse egreditur intus, periuri caput.

CAL. The door 129-130
of the pimp creaked. PS. I would have preferred his legs just now. 131
CAL. And he himself comes out from within, the arch-perjurer.

I.ii
BALLIO Exite, agite exite, ignavi, male habiti et male conciliati,
quorum numquam quicquam quoiquam venit in mentem ut recte faciant,
quibus, nisi ad hoc exemplum experior, non potest usura usurpari.         135
neque ego homines magis asinos numquam vidi, ita plagis costae callent:
quos quom ferias, tibi plus noceas; eo enim ingenio hi sunt flagritribae,
qui haec habent consilia, ubi data occasiost, rape clepe tene
harpaga bibe es fuge: hoc
est eorum opus, ut mavelis lupos apud ovis linquere,        140
quam hos domi custodes.
at faciem quom aspicias eorum, hau mali videntur: opera fallunt.
nunc adeo hanc edictionem nisi animum advortetis omnes,
nisi somnum socordiamque ex pectore oculisque exmovetis,
ita ego vestra latera loris faciam ut valide varia sint,          145
ut ne peristromata quidem aeque picta sint Campanica
neque Alexandrina beluata tonsilia tappetia.

1.2
BALLIO Out, come on, out, you sluggards, ill-kept and ill-conciliated,
who never get it into your heads to do right by anyone,
on whom, unless I try it according to this example, usury cannot be usurped.         135
Nor have I ever seen men more like asses; so callous are their ribs with lashes:
when you strike them, you harm yourself more; for such is the nature of these lash-worn rascals,
who have these counsels: when an opportunity is given—snatch, filch, hold,
hook, drink, eat, run: this
is their business, so that you would rather leave wolves among the sheep        140
than these as house guardians.
but when you look at their face, they don’t seem bad: their deeds deceive.
now then, unless you all turn your mind to this edict,
unless you remove sleep and sloth from chest and from eyes,
so will I make your flanks with thongs that they are stoutly variegated,          145
so that not even the Campanian peristromata are as equally painted,
nor the Alexandrian beast-figured, shorn tappetia.

atque heri iam edixeram omnibus dederamque eas provincias,
verum ita vos estis praediti callenti ingenio improbi,
officium vestrum ut vos malo cogatis commonerier; 150
nempe ita animati estis vos: vincitis duritia hoc atque me.
hoc sis vide, ut alias res agunt. hoc agite, hoc animum advortite,
huc adhibete auris quae ego loquor, plagigera genera hominum.
numquam edepol vostrum durius tergum erit quam terginum hoc meum.

and yesterday already I had proclaimed to all and had given those provinces,
but so are you endowed, you wicked men, with a calloused ingenium,
that you compel yourselves to be admonished of your officium by a beating; 150
assuredly thus are you spirited: you surpass in hardness this and me.
please see this, how they are minding other matters. Do this, turn your mind to this,
apply your ears hither to what I speak, you stripe-bearing breeds of men.
by Pollux, never will your back be harder than this hide of mine.

quid nunc? doletne? em sic datur, si quis erum servos spernit. 155
adsistite omnes contra me et quae loquar advortite animum.

What now? Does it hurt? There—thus it is dealt out, if anyone spurns a master’s slaves. 155
Stand by, all of you, facing me, and advert your mind to what I shall say.

tu qui urnam habes aquam ingere, face plenum ahenum sit coco.
te cum securi caudicali praeficio provinciae.
SERVVS At haec retunsast.

you who have the urn, pour in water; see to it the bronze cauldron be full for the cook.
as for you, I appoint you, with the cudgel-axe, over a province.
SLAVE But this one is blunted.

BAL. Sine siet; itidem vos quoque estis plagis
[omnes]:
numqui minus ea gratia tamen omnium opera utor? 160
tibi hoc praecipio ut niteant aedes. habes quod facias: propera, abi intro.
tu esto lectisterniator.

BAL. Let it be; likewise you too are for lashes
[all]:
do I, for that reason, nevertheless make any less use of everyone’s service? 160
to you I give this command: that the house shine. You have what to do: hurry, go
inside. You be the couch‑spreader.

tu argentum eluito, idem exstruito.
haec, quom ego a foro revortar, facite ut offendam parata,
vorsa sparsa, tersa strata, lautaque unctaque omnia ut sint.
nam mi hodie natalis dies est, decet eum omnis vos concelebrare. 165
pernam callum glandium sumen facito in aqua iaceant.

you wash the silver, and likewise set it out.
these things, when I return from the forum, see that I find prepared,
turned, sprinkled, wiped, spread, washed and oiled, let everything be so.
for today is my birthday; it befits all of you to celebrate it together. 165
see that the ham, the caul, the sweetbreads, and the sow’s udder lie in water.

satin audis?
magnifice volo me viros summos accipere, ut mihi rem esse reantur.
intro abite atque haec cito celerate, ne mora quae sit, cocus cum veniat;
ego eo in macellum, ut piscium quidquid ibist pretio praestinem.

Do you hear well enough?
I want to receive men of the highest rank magnificently, so that they may suppose I have means.
Go inside and hurry these things quickly, so that there be no delay when the cook comes;
I am going to the market, to put down earnest-money at the price for whatever fish will be there.

i, puere, prae; ne quisquam pertundat cruminam cautiost. 170
vel opperire, est quod domi dicere paene fui oblitus.
auditin? vobis, mulieres, hanc habeo edictionem.

Go ahead, boy; it is safer, so that no one may bore through the purse. 170
Or wait—there is something I almost forgot to say at home.
Do you hear? For you, women, I have this edict.

vos, quae in munditiis, mollitiis deliciisque aetatulam agitis,
viris cum summis, inclutae amicae, nunc ego scibo atque hodie experiar,
quae capiti, quae ventri operam det, quae suae rei, quae somno studeat; 175
quam libertam fore mihi credam et quam venalem, hodie experiar.
facite hodie ut mihi munera multa huc ab amatoribus conveniant.
nam nisi mihi penus annuos hodie ~ convenit, cras populo prostituam vos.

you, who pass your little age in cleanliness, softness, and delights,
with the highest men, illustrious girlfriends, now I will know and today I will make trial,
who gives attention to the head, who to the belly, who to her own affair, who is devoted to sleep; 175
whom I shall believe will be my freedwoman and whom for sale, today I will make trial.
see to it today that many gifts from lovers converge hither to me.
for unless a year's provisions today ~ come together for me, tomorrow I will prostitute you to the people.

natalem scitis mi esse diem hunc: ubi isti sunt quibus vos oculi estis,
quibus vitae, quibus deliciae estis, quibus savia, mammia, mellillae? 180
maniplatim mihi munerigeruli facite ante aedis iam hic adsint.
cur ego vestem, aurum atque ea quibus est vobis usus, prahibeo? aut quid mi
domi nisi malum vestra operast hodie?

you know this day is my natal day: where are those men for whom you are “eyes,”
for whom you are “life,” for whom you are “delights,” for whom you are kisses, little breasts, little honeys? 180
by the handful make sure gift-bearers are right here before the house for me now.
why is it that I provide clothing, gold, and those things for which you have use? or what for me
at home is there today from your service, except trouble?

improbae vini modo cupidae estis:
eo vos ~ vestros panticesque adeo madefactatis, quom ego sim hic siccus.
nunc adeo hoc factust optumum, ut nomine quemque appellem suo, 185
ne dictum esse actutum sibi quaepiam vostrarum mihi neget:
advortite animum cunctae.
principio, Hedytium, tecum ago, quae amica es frumentariis,
quibus cunctis montes maxumi [acervi] frumenti sunt domi:
fac sis sit delatum huc mihi frumentum, hunc annum quod satis, 190
mi et familiae omni sit meae, atque adeo ut frumento afluam,
ut civitas nomen mihi commutet meque ut praedicet
lenone ex Ballione regem Iasonem.

you shameless ones are just now greedy for wine:
therefore you soak your ~ your own paunches to such a degree, while I am here dry.
now indeed this has been done for the best, that I should address each by her own name, 185
lest any one of you deny to me that it was said to her straightaway:
turn your attention, all of you.
to begin with, Hedytium, I deal with you, who are a friend to the grain‑dealers,
all of whom have at home very great mountains [heaps] of grain:
see to it, please, that grain be brought down here to me, as much as is enough for this year, 190
for me and all my household, and indeed that I may overflow with grain,
so that the citizen‑body may change my name and proclaim me
from Ballio the pimp, King Jason.

CAL. Audin, furcifer quae loquitur? satin magnificus tibi videtur?
PSEVD. Pol iste, atque etiam malificus.                  195
sed tace atque hanc rem gere.                                     195a
BAL. Aeschrodora, tu quae amicos tibi habes lenonum aemulos
lanios, qui, item ut nos iurando, iure malo male quaerunt rem, audi:
nisi carnaria tria gravida tegoribus onere uberi hodie
mihi erunt, cras te quasi Dircam olim, ut memorant, duo gnati Iovis
devinxere ad taurum, item ego te distringam ad carnarium;              200
id tibi profecto taurus fiet.

CAL. Do you hear, gallows-bird, what she is saying? Does he seem magnificent enough to you?
PSEVD. By Pollux, that one, and even maleficent.                  195
but be silent and conduct this matter.                                     195a
BAL. Aeschrodora, you who have as friends butchers, rivals of pimps,
who, just as we by swearing, by bad law ill acquire profit, listen:
unless three shambles today, pregnant with hides with a rich burden,
will be mine, tomorrow you, as Dirce once, as they tell, the two sons of Jove
bound fast to a bull, just so I will stretch-bind you to the shambles;              200
that for you will surely become a bull.

CAL. Nimis sermone huius ira incendor.
PS. Huncine hic hominem pati
colere iuventutem Atticam?
ubi sunt, ubi latent quibus aetas integra est, qui amant a lenone?

CAL. I am kindled to ire too much by this fellow’s speech.
PS. Are we to suffer this man here
to court the Attic youth?
where are they, where do they lie hidden, those whose age is intact, who love free from a pander?

quin conveniunt? quin una omnes peste hac populum hunc liberant?
sed nimium stultus, nimis fui 205
indoctus: illine audeant
id facere quibus ut serviant 205a
suos amor cogit?

why don’t they convene? why don’t they, all as one, liberate this people from this pestilence?
but I have been too foolish, too unlearned 205
unlearned: would those, indeed, dare
to do that, for whom to serve 205a
their own sweethearts love compels?

[simul prohibet faciant adversum eos quod nolunt]
CAL. Vah tace. PS. Quid est?
CAL. Male morigeru's mihi, quom sermoni huius obsonas.

[at the same time it forbids them to do against them what they do not wish]
CAL. Bah, be quiet. PS. What is it?
CAL. You are ill-compliant toward me, when you cater to this fellow’s speech.

PS. Taceo. CAL. At taceas malo multo quam tacere dicas. BAL. Tu autem,
Xystilis, fac ut animum advortas, quoius amatores olivi 210
denamin domi habent maxumam.

PS. I am silent. CAL. But I’d much rather you be silent than say “be silent.” BAL. But you,
Xystilis, see that you turn your mind (pay attention), whose lovers of olive oil 210
have the greatest store at home.

si mihi non iam huc culleis
oleum deportatum erit,
te ipsam culleo ego cras faciam ut deportere—in pergulam;
ibi tibi adeo lectus dabitur, ubi tu hau somnum capias, sed ubi 215
usque ad languorem—tenes
quo se haec tendant quae loquor.
ain, excetra tu? quae tibi amicos tot habes tam probe oleo onustos,
num quoipiam est hodie tua tuorum opera conservorum
nitidiusculum caput? aut num ipse ego pulmento utor magis 220
unctiusculo?

if oil has not by now been deported hither for me in sacks,
I will make you yourself tomorrow be deported in a sack—to the booth;
there a bed will be given you to such a degree, where you do not seize sleep, but where 215
even to languor—you grasp
whither these things I say are tending.
what, you viper? you who have so many friends so properly laden with oil,
is there today to anyone, by your work or that of your fellow-slaves,
a somewhat shinier head? or am I myself using a stew that is 220
a bit greasier?

sed scio, tu oleum hau magni pendis, vino
te devincis. sine modo,
reprehendam hercle ego cuncta una opera, nisi quidem hodie tu omnia
facis effecta haec ut loquor.
tu autem, quae pro capite argentum mihi iam iamque semper numeras, 225
ea pacisci modo scis, sed quod pacta es non scis solvere,
Phoenicium, tibi ego haec loquor, deliciae summatum virum:
nisi hodie mi ex fundis tuorum amicorum omne huc penus adfertur,
cras Phoenicium poeniceo corio invises pergulam.

but I know, you do not set oil at great value, you bind yourself to wine.
just wait now,
by Hercules I will take to task all things in one go, unless indeed today you make all these things done as I say.
but you, who for your head are now now and always counting out silver to me, 225
you know only how to make those bargains, but what you have bargained you do not know how to discharge,
Phoenicium, to you I speak these things, darling of men of the highest rank:
unless today from the estates of your friends all the provisions are brought here for me,
tomorrow Phoenicium you will pay a visit to the garret in a Phoenician-dyed hide.

I.iii
CAL. Pseudole, non audis quae hic loquitur? PS. Audio, ere, equidem 230
atque animum advorto.
CAL. Quid mi es auctor, huic ut mittam, ne amicam hic meam prostituat?

1.3
CAL. Pseudolus, do you not hear what this fellow is saying? PS. I hear, master, indeed 230
and I turn my mind (I advert).
CAL. What do you advise me—to send to him, so that this fellow not prostitute my girlfriend?

PS. Nil curassis, liquido es animo: ego pro me et pro te curabo.
iam diu ego huic bene et hic mihi volumus, et amicitia est antiqua:
mittam hodie huic suo die natali malam rem magnam et maturam.
CAL. Quid opust?

PS. Have no care; be clear in mind: I will look after it for me and for you.
For a long time now I have wished this fellow well and he me, and the amicitia is ancient:
today I will send him, on his natal day, a big and ripe bad thing.
CAL. What need is there?

PS. Potin aliam rem ut cures? CAL. At— PS. Bat. 235
CAL. Crucior. PS. Cor dura.

PS. Could you take care of another matter? CAL. But— PS. But. 235
CAL. I am tortured. PS. Hard heart.

CAL. Non possum. PS. Fac possis. CALL. Quonam pacto possim?

CAL. I cannot. PS. Make it so you can. CALL. By what way
could I?

PS. Vince
animum.
in rem quod sit praevortaris quam in re advorsa animo auscultes.
CA. Nugae istaec sunt: non iucundumst nisi amans facit stulte.

PS. Conquer
your spirit.
turn yourself toward what is to your interest rather than, in an adverse matter, hearken to your spirit.
CA. Those are trifles: it is not pleasant unless a lover acts foolishly.

PS. Pergin?
CAL. O Pseudole mi, sine sim nihili,
mitte me sis. PS. Sino, modo ego abeam.

PS. Do you persist?
CAL. O my Pseudolus, allow that I be nothing; please send me away.
Let me go, please. PS. I allow it, provided that I may go away.

CAL. Mane, mane, iam ut voles med esse ita ero. PS. Nunc tu sapis. 240
BAL. It dies; ego mihi cesso.
i prae, puere.

CAL. Wait, wait; now, as you wish me to be, so I will be. PS. Now you are wise. 240
BAL. The day goes; I am dawdling for myself.
go on ahead, boy.

CAL. Heus, abit. quin revocas?
PS. Quid properas?

CAL. Hey, he’s leaving. Why don’t you call him back?
PS. Why are you hurrying?

placide. CAL. At prius quam abeat.
BAL. Quid [hoc], malum, tam placide is, puere?

placidly. CAL. But before he goes away.
BAL. What [this], the devil, are you going so placidly, boy?

PS. Hodie nate, heus, hodie nate, tibi ego dico, heus, hodie nate,
redi et respice ad nos. tametsi occupatu's,
moramur. mane, em conloqui qui volunt te. 245
BAL. Quid hoc est?

PS. Today-born, hey, today-born, I speak to you, hey, today-born,
come back and look back at us. Although you are occupied,
we detain you. Wait; look, those who want to converse with you. 245
BAL. What is this?

quis est qui moram mi occupato
molestam optulit? PS. Qui tibi sospitalis
fuit. BAL. Mortuost qui fuit: qui sit usust.

who is it who, to me occupied, has obtruded a troublesome delay?
PS. He who was life-saving to you.
BAL. The one who was is dead; the one who is is needed.

PS. Nimis superbe. BAL. Nimis molestus. CAL. Reprehende hominem,
adsequere.

PS. Too arrogantly. BAL. Too troublesome. CAL. Stop the man,
catch up to him.

BAL. I puere.
PS. Occedamus hac obviam. BAL. Iuppiter te 250
perdat, quisquis es. PS. Te volo.

BAL. Go, boy.
PS. Let’s go meet him this way. BAL. Jupiter destroy you, whoever you are. 250
PS. It’s you I want.

BAL. At vos ego ambos.
vorte hac te, puere. PS. Non licet conloqui te?
BAL. At mihi non lubet.

BAL. But I’ll get you both.
turn yourself this way, boy. PS. Is it not allowed to talk with you?
BAL. But I don’t care to.

PS. Sin tuamst quippiam in rem?
BAL. Licetne, opsecro, bitere an non licet? PS. Vah,
manta.

PS. But if there’s something to your advantage in it?
BAL. Is it licit, I beseech, to depart or is it not licit? PS. Bah,
you blockhead.

BAL. Omitte. CAL. Ballio, audi. BAL. Surdus sum ~ profecto 255
inanilogistae.

BAL. Drop it. CAL. Ballio, listen. BAL. I am deaf ~ indeed 255
to an inaniloquist.

CAL. Dedi dum fuit. BAL. Non peto quod dedisti.
CAL. Dabo quando erit.

CAL. I gave while I had it. BAL. I do not seek what you gave.
CAL. I will give when there is.

BAL. Ducito quando habebis.
CAL. Eheu, quam ego malis perdidi modis
quod tibi detuli et quod dedi. BAL. Mortua
verba re nunc facis; stultus es, rem actam agis. 260
PS. Nosce saltem hunc quis est.

BAL. Bring it when you have it.
CAL. Alas, by what evil ways I lost what I brought to you and what I gave. BAL. You make dead words about the matter now; you are a fool, you are arguing a settled case. 260
PS. At least know who this is.

BAL. Iam diu scio
qui fuit: nunc qui sit ipsus sciat.
ambula tu. PS. Potin ut semel modo,
Ballio, huc cum lucro respicias?
BAL. Respiciam istoc pretio; nam si sacruficem summo Iovi 265
atque in manibus exta teneam, ut poriciam, interea loci
si lucri quid detur, potius rem divinam deseram.

BAL. For a long time I have known
who he was: now let he himself know who he is.
walk, you. PS. Could it be that just this once,
Ballio, you look back here with lucre?
BAL. I will look back at that price; for if I should be sacrificing to highest Jove 265
and hold the entrails in my hands, so as to offer them, in the meantime
if anything of profit be given, I would rather desert the divine service.

non potest pietati opsisti huic, utut res sunt ceterae.
PS. Deos quidem, quos maxume aequom est metuere, eos minimi facit.
BAL. Compellabo.

he cannot have opposed the duty owed to this man, however the other matters stand.
PS. The gods indeed, whom it is most equitable to fear, he makes of the least account.
BAL. I will accost him.

salve multum, serve Athenis pessume. 270
PS. Di te deaeque ament vel huius arbitratu vel meo,
vel, si dignu's alio pacto, neque ament nec faciant bene.
BAL. Quid agitur, Calidore? CAL. Amatur atque egetur acriter.

Many greetings, worst slave in Athens. 270
PS. May the gods and goddesses love you either at his discretion or at mine, or, if you are worthy in some other manner, may they neither love you nor do you any good.
BAL. What’s going on, Calidorus? CAL. There is loving and wanting, sharply.

BAL. Misereat, si familiam alere possim misericordia.
PS. Heia, scimus nos quidem te qualis sis; ne praedices. 275
sed scin quid nos volumus? BAL. Pol ego propemodum: ut male sit mihi.

BAL. Let him pity, if I can support a family by mercy.
PS. Hey, we indeed know what sort you are; don’t brag. 275
but do you know what we want? BAL. By Pollux, I pretty nearly do: that it may go ill for me.

PS. Et id et hoc quod te revocamus. quaeso animum advorte. BAL. Audio.

PS. Both that, and this: that we recall you. Please advert your mind. BAL. I hear.

atque in pauca, ut occupatus nunc sum, confer quid velis.
PS. Hunc pudet, quod tibi promisit quaque id promisit die,
quia tibi minas viginti pro amica etiam non dedit. 280
BAL. Nimio id quod pudet facilius fertur quam illud quod piget.
non dedisse istunc pudet: me quia non accepi piget.

and in few words, since I am busy now, sum up what you want.
PS. He is ashamed, both of what he promised you and of the day on which he promised it,
because he did not even give you twenty minas for his girlfriend. 280
BAL. By far that which brings shame is borne more easily than that which brings regret.
he is ashamed not to have given; I regret that I did not receive.

PS. At dabit, parabit: aliquot hos dies manta modo.
nam hic id metuit, ne illam vendas ob simultatem suam.
BAL. Fuit occasio, si vellet, iam pridem argentum ut daret. 285
CAL. Quid, si non habui?

PS. But he will give, he will provide: only wait these several days.
for this fellow fears this, lest you sell her on account of his own feud.
BAL. There was an occasion, if he had wished, long since for him to give the silver. 285
CAL. What, if I did not have it?

BAL. Si amabas, invenires mutuom,
ad danistam devenires, adderes faenusculum,
surruperes patri. PS. Surruperet hic patri, audacissume?
non periclumst ne quid recte monstres.

BAL. If you loved, you would find a loan,
you would resort to a usurer, you would add a little interest,
you would filch it from your father. PS. Would this man filch it from his father, most audacious one?
no danger that you show anything rightly.

BAL. Non lenoniumst.
CAL. Egon patri surrupere possim quicquam, tam cauto seni? 290
atque adeo, si facere possim, pietas prohibet. BAL. Audio.

BAL. It is not procuring.
CAL. I—could I surreptitiously steal anything from my father, so cautious an old man? 290
and indeed, if I could do it, piety forbids. BAL. I hear.

pietatem ergo istam amplexator noctu pro Phoenicio.
sed cum pietatem te amori video tuo praevortere,
omnes <homines> tibi patres sunt? nullus est tibi quem roges
mutuom argentum?

then embrace that piety at night in place of Phoenicium.
but since I see you prefer piety to your love,
are all <men> fathers to you? Is there no one whom you can ask
for a loan of silver?

CAL. Quin nomen quoque iam interiit mutuom. 295
PS. Heus tu, postquam hercle isti a mensa surgunt satis poti viri,
qui suom repetunt, alienum reddunt nato nemini,
postilla omnes cautiores sunt, ne credant alteri.
CAL. Nimis miser sum, nummum nusquam reperire argenti queo;
ita miser et amore pereo et inopia argentaria. 300
BAL. Eme die caeca hercle olivom, id vendito oculata die:
iam hercle vel ducentae fieri possunt praesentes minae.
CAL. Perii, annorum lex me perdit quinavicenaria.

CAL. Why, even the very name “loan” has now perished. 295
PS. Hey you, ever since, by Hercules, those men get up from table good and drunk,
who demand back what is their own, they repay to no one what is another’s;
after that everyone is more cautious, not to trust another. CAL. I am too miserable: nowhere can I find a single coin of silver;
so wretchedly I perish both from love and from a shortage of silver-money. 300
BAL. Buy, by Hercules, olives on a blind day; sell them on a clear-eyed day:
right now, by Hercules, even two hundred minae can be made ready cash. CAL. I’m ruined: the law of years, the twenty-five-year law, is my undoing.

metuont credere omnes. BAL. Eadem est mihi lex: metuo credere.
PS. Credere autem?

they all fear to give credit. BAL. The same law is for me: I fear to give credit.
PS. To give credit, however?

eho an paenitet te, quanto hic fuerit usui? 305
BAL. Non est usu quisquam amator nisi qui perpetuat data;
det, det usque: quando nil sit, simul amare desinat.
CAL. Nilne te miseret? BAL. Inanis cedis, dicta non sonant.

Hey, do you repent how useful he has been? 305
BAL. No lover is of use unless he perpetuates what is given;
let him give, give without cease: when there is nothing, let him at once cease to love.
CAL. Have you no pity? BAL. You come off empty; words do not sound.

atque ego te vivom salvomque vellem. PS. Eho an iam mortuost?
BAL. Vtut est, mihi quidem profecto cum istis dictis mortuost: 310
ilico vixit amator, ubi lenoni supplicat.

and I would that you were alive and safe. PS. Eh—what, is he already dead?
BAL. Be it as it may, for me indeed, assuredly with those words he’s dead: 310
on the instant the lover has “lived,” when he supplicates a pimp.

semper tu ad me cum argentata accedito querimonia;
nam istuc quod nunc lamentare, non esse argentum tibi,
apud novercam querere. PS. Eho an umquam tu huius nupsisti patri?
BAL. Di melius faciant.

always approach me with a silvered complaint;
for that which you now lament, that you have no silver,
take up with your stepmother. PS. Hey—did you ever marry this one’s father?
BAL. May the gods do better.

PS. Face hoc quod te rogamus, Ballio, 315
mea fide, si isti formidas credere. ego in hoc triduo
aut terra aut mari alicunde evolvam id argentum tibi.
B. Tibi ego credam?

PS. Do this which we ask you, Ballio, 315
on my faith, if you are afraid to credit that one. Within these three days
either by land or by sea, from somewhere or other I will produce that silver for you.
B. Am I to credit you?

P. Quor non? B. Quia pol qua opera credam tibi,
una opera alligem fugitivam canem agninis lactibus.
CAL. Sicine mi abs te bene merenti male refertur gratia? 320
BAL. Quid nunc vis?

P. Why not? B. Because, by Pollux, how should I trust you,
with the same effort I’d leash a fugitive dog with lambs’ milk.
CAL. Is gratitude thus repaid ill to me, well‑deserving at your hands? 320
BAL. What do you want now?

CAL. Vt opperiare hos sex dies aliquos modo,
ne illam vendas neu me perdas hominem amantem. BAL. Animo bono es.
vel sex menses opperibor. CAL. Euge, homo lepidissume.

CAL. That you wait just these six days or so,
lest you sell her, and lest you undo me, a man in love. BAL. Be of good cheer.
I’ll wait even six months. CAL. Bravo, most charming man.

BAL. Immo vin etiam te faciam ex laeto laetantem magis?
CAL. Quid iam? BAL. Quia enim non venalem iam habeo Phoenicium. 325
CAL. Non habes?

BAL. Nay rather, would you like me to make you, from glad, even more rejoicing?
CAL. What now? BAL. Because indeed I no longer have Phoenicium for sale. 325
CAL. You don’t have her?

BAL. Non hercle vero. CAL. Pseudole, ei accerse hostias,
victumas, lanios, ut ego huic sacruficem summo Iovi;
nam hic mihi nunc est multo potior Iuppiter quam Iuppiter.
BAL. Nolo victumas: agninis me extis placari volo.

BAL. No, by Hercules, indeed. CAL. Pseudolus, go summon for him offerings, victims, butchers, so that I may sacrifice to this highest Jupiter; for this fellow is now to me by much a superior Jupiter than Jupiter. BAL. I do not want victims: I wish to be propitiated with lambs’ entrails.

CAL. Propera, quid stas? ei accerse agnos. audin quid ait Iuppiter? 330
PS. Iam hic ero; verum extra portam mi etiam currendumst prius.

CAL. Hurry, why do you stand? Go, fetch the lambs. Do you hear what Jupiter says? 330
PS. I’ll be here right away; but I must also run outside the gate first.

CAL. Quid eo? PS. Lanios inde accersam duo cum tintinnabulis,
eadem duo greges virgarum inde ulmearum adegero,
ut hodie ad litationem huic suppetat satias Iovi.
BAL. I in malam crucem. PS. Istuc ibit Iuppiter lenonius. 335
[BAL. Ex tua re est, ut ego emoriar.

CAL. What for? PS. From there I will summon two butchers with bells,
and likewise I will drive in two droves of elm-rods from there,
so that today a sufficiency may be at hand for the litation to this Jupiter.
BAL. Go to the gallows. PS. That’s where the pimpish Jupiter will go. 335
[BAL. It is in your interest that I should die.

PS. Quidum? BAL. Ego dicam tibi:
quia edepol, dum ego vivos vivam, numquam eris frugi bonae.]
BAL. Ex tua re non est, ut ego emoriar. PS. Quidum?

PS. Why so? BAL. I will tell you:
because, by Pollux, so long as I live and breathe, you will never be of good thrift.]
BAL. It is not to your advantage that I should die. PS. Why so?

BAL. Sic, quia
si ego emortuos sim, Athenis te sit nemo nequior.
CAL. Dic mihi, obsecro hercle, verum serio hoc quod te rogo. 340
non habes venalem amicam tu meam Phoenicium?
BAL. Non edepol habeo profecto, nam iam pridem vendidi.

BAL. So, because
if I were dead, in Athens there would be no one more vile than you. CAL. Tell me, I beseech by Hercules, the truth, seriously, in this that I ask you. 340
do you not have my girlfriend Phoenicium for sale? BAL. By Pollux, I surely do not have her, for I sold her long ago.

CAL. Quo modo? BAL. Sine ornamentis, cum intestinis omnibus.
CAL. Meam tu amicam vendidisti?

CAL. How? BAL. Without ornaments, with all the intestines.
CAL. You sold my girlfriend?

BAL. Valde, viginti minis.
CAL. Viginti minis? BAL. Vtrum vis, vel quater quinis minis, 345
militi Macedonio, et iam quindecim habeo minas.

BAL. Very much so, for twenty minae.
CAL. Twenty minae? BAL. Which do you wish, either four times five minae, 345
to a Macedonian soldier, and already I have fifteen minae.

CAL. Quid ego ex te audio? BAL. Amicam tuam esse factam argenteam.
CAL. Cur id ausu's facere?

CAL. What do I hear from you? BAL. That your girlfriend has been made into silver.
CAL. Why have you dared to do that?

BAL. Libuit, mea fuit. CAL. Eho, Pseudole,
ei, gladium adfer. PS. Quid opus gladio?

BAL. It pleased me; she was mine. CAL. Hey, Pseudolus,
hey, bring the sword. PS. What need is there of a sword?

CAL. Qui hunc occidam atque me.
PS. Quin tu ted occidis potius? nam hunc fames iam occiderit. 350
CAL. Quid ais, quantum terra ~ tegit hominum periurissume?
iuravistin te illam nulli venditurum nisi mihi?

CAL. How am I to kill him and myself?
PS. Why don’t you kill yourself instead? For hunger will have killed this one by now. 350
CAL. What do you say, you most perjurious of all the men whom the earth covers? Did you swear that you would sell her to no one except me?

BAL. Fateor. CAL. Nempe conceptis verbis? BAL. Etiam consutis quoque.

BAL. I confess. CAL. Surely with set-form words? BAL. Even with stitched-together ones too.

CAL. Periuravisti, sceleste. BAL. At argentum intro condidi.
ego scelestus nunc argentum promere possum domo: 355
tu qui pius, istoc es genere gnatus, nummum non habes.

CAL. You have perjured yourself, scoundrel. BAL. But I have stashed the silver inside.
I, the scoundrel, can now bring out the silver from the house: 355
you, who are pious, born of that stock, have not a coin.

CAL. Pseudole, adsiste altrim secus atque onera hunc maledictis. PS. Licet.
numquam ad praetorem aeque cursim curram, ut emittar manu.

CAL. Pseudolus, stand by on the other side and load this fellow with maledictions. PS. It is permitted.
never would I run as quickly to the praetor, to be manumitted.

CAL. Ingere mala multa. PS. Iam ego te differam dictis meis.
impudice.

CAL. Heap on many evils. PS. Now I will tear you apart with my words.
impudent one.

BAL. Itast. CAL. Sceleste. BAL. Dicis vera.

BAL. So it is. CAL. Wretch. BAL. You speak
true.

PS. Verbero. 360
BAL. Quippini? CAL. Bustirape. BAL. Certo.

PS. Whipping-stock. 360
BAL. Why not? CAL. Grave-robber. BAL. Certainly.

PS. Furcifer. BAL.
Factum optume.
CAL. Sociofraude.

PS. Gallows-bird. BAL.
Done most excellently.
CAL. Partner-fraud.

BAL. Sunt mea istaec. PS. Parricida. BAL. Perge tu.
CAL. Sacrilege.

BAL. Those are mine. PS. Parricide. BAL. Go on, you.
CAL. Sacrilege.

BAL. Fateor. PS. Periure. BAL. Vetera vaticinamini.

BAL. I confess. PS. Perjurer. BAL. You prophesy old things.

CAL. Legirupa. BAL. Valide. PS. Permities adulescentum.

CAL. Law-breaker. BAL. Indeed. PS. The utter ruin of adolescents.

BAL. Acerrume.
CAL. Fur. BAL. Babae.

BAL. Most keenly.
CAL. Thief. BAL. Bravo.

PS. Fugitive. BAL. Bombax. CAL. Fraus populi. 365
BAL. Planissume.

PS. Fugitive. BAL. Bravo! CAL. Fraud of the people. 365
BAL. Most plainly.

PS. Fraudulente. CAL. Impure. PS. Leno.

PS. Fraudulent! CAL. Impure. PS. Pimp.

CAL. Caenum. BAL. Cantores probos.
CAL. Verberavisti patrem atque matrem.

CAL. Filth. BAL. Upright cantors.
CAL. You flogged your father and mother.

BAL. Atque occidi quoque,
potius quam cibum praehiberem: num peccavi quippiam?
PS. In pertusum ingerimus dicta dolium, operam ludimus.
BAL. Numquid aliud etiam voltis dicere?

BAL. And I even killed them,
rather than provide food: have I sinned at all?
PS. We are pouring our words into a perforated cask; we are wasting our effort.
BAL. Do you wish to say anything else too?

CAL. Ecquid te pudet? 370
BAL. Ten, amatorem esse inventum inanem quasi cassam nucem?
verum quamquam multa malaque dicta dixistis mihi,
nisi mihi hodie attulerit miles quinque quas debet minas,
sicut haec est praestituta summa ei argento dies,
si id non adfert, posse opinor facere me officium meum. 375
CAL. Quid id est? BAL. Si tu argentum attuleris, cum illo perdidero fidem:
hoc meum est officium.

CAL. Are you at all ashamed? 370
BAL. You—found to be a lover—empty as a hollow nut?
but although you have spoken many and bad words to me,
unless the soldier brings me today the five minae which he owes,
since this is the day appointed to him for the sum in silver,
if he does not bring it, I think I can do my duty. 375
CAL. What is that? BAL. If you bring the silver, I shall break faith with him:
this is my duty.

ego, operae si sit, plus tecum loquar;
sed sine argento frustra es qui me tui misereri postulas.
haec meast sententia, ut tu hinc porro quid agas consulas.
CAL. Iamne abis?

i, if there is leisure, I will speak more with you;
but without money you are in vain, you who demand that I take pity on you.
this is my opinion, that you from here on consider what you should do.
CAL. Are you going already?

BAL. Negoti nunc sum plenus.— PS. Paulo post magis. 380
illic homo meus est, nisi omnes di me atque homines deserunt.
exossabo ego illum simulter itidem ut murenam coquos.
nunc, Calidore, te mihi operam dare volo.

BAL. I am now full of business.— PS. A little later, more. 380
There is my man over there, unless all the gods and men desert me.
I will de-bone him just the same as cooks do a moray eel.
Now, Calidorus, I want you to give me your service.

CAL. Ecquid imperas?
PS. Hoc ego oppidum admoenire, ut hodie capiatur, volo;
ad eam rem usust homine astuto, docto, cauto et callido, 385
qui imperata ecfecta reddat, non qui vigilans dormiat.
CAL. Cedo mihi, quid es facturus?

CAL. Have you any commands?
PS. I want to invest this town with siege-works, so that it may be captured today;
for that purpose there is need of a man astute, learned, cautious, and callid, 385
who renders the commands accomplished, not one who, while awake, sleeps.
CAL. Tell me, what are you going to do?

PS. Temperi ego faxo scies.
nolo bis iterari, sat sic longae fiunt fabulae.
C. Optumum atque aequissimum oras.

PS. I’ll make sure you know in good time.
I don’t want it to be iterated twice; as it is, tales become long enough.
C. You ask for what is optimum and most equitable.

PS. Propera, adduc hominem cito.
CAL. Pauci ex multis sunt amici, homini qui certi sient. 390
PS. Ego scio istuc. ergo utrumque, tibi nunc dilectum para
ex multis atque exquire illinc unum qui certus siet.

PS. Hurry, bring the man quickly.
CAL. Few out of many are friends, who are certain for a man. 390
PS. I know that. So do both: now prepare a selection for yourself from the many, and from there search out one who is certain.

CAL. Iam hic faxo aderit.— PS. Potin ut abeas? tibi moram dictis creas.

CAL. I’ll see to it he’s here at once.— PS. Could you be off? you’re creating for yourself
a delay with talk.

I.iv
postquam illic hinc abiit, tu astas solus, Pseudole.
quid nunc acturu's, postquam erili filio                395
largitu's dictis dapsilis? ubi sunt ea?
quoi neque paratast gutta certi consili,
[neque adeo argenti—neque nunc quid faciam scio.]
neque exordiri primum unde occipias habes,
neque ad detexundam telam certos terminos.       400
sed quasi poeta, tabulas cum cepit sibi,
quaerit quod nusquamst gentium, reperit tamen,
facit illud veri simile, quod mendacium est,
nunc ego poeta fiam: viginti minas,
quae nusquam nunc sunt gentium, inveniam tamen.    405
[atque ego me iam pridem huic daturum dixeram
et volui inicere tragulam in nostrum senem;
verum is nescio quo pacto praesensit prius.]
sed comprimundast vox mihi atque oratio:
erum eccum video huc Simonem una simul       410
cum suo vicino Calliphone incedere.

1.4
after he has gone away there from here, you stand alone, Pseudolus.
what are you going to do now, after to the master’s son                395
you have been lavish, bountiful with words? where are they?
who has not a drop of a sure plan prepared,
[nor indeed of silver—and I do not now know what I should do.]
nor have you a first beginning whence you might commence,
nor fixed boundaries for weaving the web off to completion.       400
but, just like a poet, when he has taken his tablets to himself,
he seeks what is nowhere among the nations, yet he finds it,
he makes that which is a lie seem like the truth—
now I will become a poet: twenty minae,
which are now nowhere among the nations, I will find nevertheless.    405
[and I had already long ago said that I would give it to this fellow,
and I wanted to launch a javelin at our old man;
but he somehow sensed it beforehand.]
but my voice and speech must be compressed:
look, I see the master Simon here, together at once,       410
advancing with his neighbor Callipho.

ex hoc sepulcro vetere viginti minas
effodiam ego hodie, quas dem erili filio.
nunc huc concedam, unde horum sermonem legam.

from this old sepulcher I will dig out twenty minas today,
which I may give to the master's son.
now I will withdraw here, whence I may gather their conversation.

I.v
SIMO Si de damnosis aut si de amatoribus 415
dictator fiat nunc Athenis Atticis,
nemo anteveniat filio, credo, meo:
ita nunc per urbem solus sermoni omnibust,
eum velle amicam liberare et quaerere
argentum ad eam rem. hoc alii mihi renuntiant; 420
atque id iam pridem sensi et subolebat mihi,
sed dissimulabam. PS. Iam illi fetet filius.

I.v
SIMO If of spendthrifts or if of lovers 415
a dictator should now be appointed at Attic Athens,
no one would outstrip my son, I believe:
so now through the city he alone is the talk of all,
that he wants to free his girlfriend and to seek
silver for that affair. This others report back to me; 420
and this long since I sensed and it was budding in me,
but I was dissembling. PS. Now his son stinks to him.

occisa est haec res, haeret hoc negotium.
quo in commeatum volui argentarium
proficisci, ibi nunc oppido opsaeptast via. 425
praesensit: nihil est praedae praedatoribus.
CALLIPHO Homines qui gestant quique auscultant crimina,
si meo arbitratu liceat, omnes pendeant,
gestores linguis, auditores auribus.

This affair is slain; this business sticks fast.
Where I wanted to set out to the money‑market,
there now the way is altogether obstructed. 425
He anticipated it: there is no prey for the predators.
CALLIPHO Men who carry and who eavesdrop on accusations,
if it were permitted by my arbitrament, let them all hang,
the carriers by their tongues, the listeners by their ears.

nam istaec quae tibi renuntiantur, filium 430
te velle amantem argento circumducere,
fors fuat an istaec dicta sint mendacia;
sed si sint ea vera, ut nunc mos est, maxume,
quid mirum fecit? quid novom, adulescens homo
si amat, si amicam liberat? PS. Lepidum senem. 435
SIM. Vetus nolo faciat.

for those things which are reported back to you, that your son 430
wishes, as a lover, to secure his beloved by means of silver,
perhaps it may be that these sayings are lies;
but if these be true, as now the custom is, most especially,
what wonder has he done? what new thing, if a young man
loves, if he frees his girlfriend? PS. A charming old man. 435
SIM. I do not want him to do the old thing.

CAL. At enim nequiquam nevis;
vel tu ne faceres tale in adulescentia.
probum patrem esse oportet qui gnatum suom
esse probiorem quam ipsus fuerit postulet.
nam tu quod damni et quod fecisti flagiti 440
populo viritim potuit dispertirier.

CAL. But indeed you strive in vain;
or you should not have done such a thing in your adolescence.
It behooves a good father to be one who demands that his son
be more of probity than he himself has been.
For the damage and the flagitious deed that you have done 440
could have been apportioned to the people, man by man.

idne tu mirare, si patrissat filius?
PS. O Zeu, quam pauci estis homines commodi. em,
illic est pater patrem esse ut aequom est filio.

Do you marvel at that, if the son takes after his father?
PS. O Zeus, how few accommodating men there are. Look,
there—there is a father, to be a father as it is equitable to a son.

SIM. Quis hic loquitur? meus est hic quidem servos Pseudolus. 445
hic mihi corrumpit filium, scelerum caput;
hic dux, hic illi est paedagogus, hunc ego
cupio excruciari. CAL. Iam istaec insipientiast,
iram in promptu gerere.

SIM. Who is speaking here? This here is indeed my slave Pseudolus. 445
This one is corrupting my son for me, the head of crimes;
this one the leader, this one for him is a pedagogue; this one I
desire to be excruciated. CAL. That already is sheer insipience,
to carry your anger at the ready.

quanto satius est
adire blandis verbis atque exquaerere, 450
sintne illa necne sint quae tibi renuntiant.
bonus animus in mala re dimidiumst mali.
SIM. Tibi auscultabo.

how much better it is
to approach with bland words and to inquire thoroughly, 450
whether those things are or are not which they report back to you.
a good spirit in a bad matter is half the ill.
SIM. I will listen to you.

PS. Itur ad te, Pseudole.
orationem tibi para advorsum senem.
erum saluto primum, ut aequomst; postea, 455
si quid superfit, vicinos impertio.

PS. It comes to you, Pseudolus.
prepare your oration against the old man.
I salute the master first, as is equitable; afterwards, 455
if anything remains over, I impart it to the neighbors.

SIM. Salve. quid agitur? PS. Statur hic ad hunc modum.

SIM. Greetings. What’s going on? PS. Standing is going on here in this mode.

SIM. Statum vide hominis, Callipho, quam basilicum.
CAL. Bene confidenterque adstitisse intellego.
PS. Decet innocentem qui sit atque innoxium 460
servom superbum esse, apud erum potissimum.

SIM. Look at the man’s stance, Callipho, how royal.
CAL. I perceive that he has taken his stand well and confidently.
PS. It befits a slave who is innocent and innoxious 460
to be proud, most of all in the presence of his master.

CAL. Sunt quae te volumus percontari, quae quasi
per nebulam nosmet scimus atque audivimus.
SIM. Conficiet iam te hic verbis, ut tu censeas
non Pseudolum, sed Socratem tecum loqui. 465
PS. Itast, iam pridem tu me spernis, sentio.
parvam esse apud te mihi fidem ipse intellego.

CAL. There are things we wish to question you about, which we ourselves know and have heard as if through a nebula.
SIM. He will now finish you off with words, so that you deem not Pseudolus, but Socrates to be speaking with you. 465
PS. It is so; for a long time now you spurn me, I perceive. I myself understand that I have little credit with you.

cupis me esse nequam: tamen ero frugi bonae.
SIM. Fac sis vocivas, Pseudole, aedis aurium,
mea ut migrare dicta possint quo volo. 470
PS. Age loquere quidvis, tametsi tibi suscenseo.
SIM. Mihin domino servos tu suscenses?

you wish me to be a good-for-nothing: nevertheless I shall be of good thrift.
SIM. Pray make the houses of your ears vacant, Pseudolus,
so that my sayings may migrate where I wish. 470
PS. Come, speak whatever you please, although I am incensed at you.
SIM. At me, your master, are you, a slave, incensed?

PS. Tam tibi
mirum id videtur? SIM. Hercle qui, ut tu praedicas,
cavendum est mi aps te irato; atque alio tu modo
me verberare atque ego te soleo cogitas. 475
quid censes? CAL. Edepol merito esse iratum arbitror,
quom apud te parvast ei fides.

PS. Does that seem so
strange to you? SIM. By Hercules, indeed; as you proclaim,
I must beware of you when angry; and in another way you
are thinking of beating me, whereas I am wont to beat you. 475
what do you think? CAL. By Pollux, I judge him to be angry with merit,
since with you his credit is small.

SIM. Iam sic sino;
iratus sit: ego, ne quid noceat, cavero.
sed quid ais? quid hoc, quod te rogo?

SIM. Now thus I allow it;
let him be angry: I will take care that he do no harm.
but what do you say? what is this, which I ask you?

PS. Si quid vis, roga.
quod scibo, Delphis tibi responsum dicito. 480
SIM. Advorte ergo animum et fac sis promissi memor.
quid ais?

PS. If you want anything, ask.
what I shall know, I will tell you a Delphic response. 480
SIM. Turn your mind, then, and do, please, be mindful of your promise.
what say you?

ecquam scis filium tibicinam
meum amare? PS. Nai gar. SIM. Liberare quam velit?

Do you know whether my son loves any flute-girl?
PS. Yes indeed. SIM. How much does he want to liberate her?

PS. Kai touto nai gar. SIM. Ecquas viginti minas
[per sycophantiam atque per doctos dolos] 485
paritas ut auferas a me? PS. Abs te ego auferam?
SIM. Ita, quas meo gnato des, qui amicam liberet?

PS. And this too, yes indeed. SIM. Are you prepared to carry off any twenty minae
[through sycophancy and through learned tricks] 485
from me? PS. I take them away from you?
SIM. Yes—the ones you would give to my son, that he may free his girlfriend?

fatere, dic. PS. Kai touto nai, kai touto nai.
CAL. Fatetur.

confess, say. PS. And this too, yes, and this too, yes.
CAL. He confesses.

SIM. Dixin, Callipho, dudum tibi?
CAL. Memini. SIM. Quor haec, tu ubi rescivisti ilico, 490
celata me sunt?

SIM. Did I say it to you before, Callipho?
CAL. I remember. SIM. Why is it that, when you found these things out at once, 490
they have been kept hidden from me?

quor non rescivi? PS. Eloquar.
quia nolebam ex me morem progigni malum,
erum ut servos criminaret apud erum.

why did I not find out? PS. I will speak.
because I did not wish from me a bad custom to be begotten,
that a servant should criminate his master before the master.

SIM. Iuberes hunc praecipitem in pistrinum trahi.
CAL. Numquid peccatum est, Simo? SIM. Immo maxime.

SIM. You ought to order this fellow to be dragged headlong to the mill.
CAL. Has any offense been committed, Simo? SIM. On the contrary, very much so.

495
PS. Desiste, recte ego meam rem sapio, Callipho;
peccata mea sunt. animum advorte nunciam.
quapropter te expertem amoris nati habuerim?

495
PS. Desist; I rightly am savvy about my own affair, Callipho;
the sins are mine. Turn your mind now at once.
for what reason I have kept you devoid of your son's love?

~
pistrinum in mundo scibam, si dixem, mihi.
SIM. Non a me scibas pistrinum in mundo tibi, 500
cum ea mussitabas? PS. Scibam.

~
I knew the mill was at the ready, if I spoke, for me.
SIM. Did you not know from me the mill was at the ready for you, 500
when you were whispering with her? PS. I knew.

SIM. Quin dictum est mihi?
PS. Quia illud malum aderat, istuc aberat longius;
illud erat praesens, huic erant dieculae.
SIM. Quid nunc agetis?

SIM. Why was it not told to me?
PS. Because that evil was at hand, that other was farther off;
that was present, for this one there were a few little days yet.
SIM. What will you do now?

nam hinc quidem a me non potest
argentum auferri, qui praesertim senserim. 505
ne quisquam credat nummum, iam edicam omnibus.
PS. Numquam edepol quoiquam supplicabo, dum quidem
tu vives. tu mihi hercle argentum dabis,
abs te equidem sumam.

for from here, indeed, silver cannot be carried off from me, since I especially have perceived it. 505
lest anyone extend credit of a coin, I will now proclaim to all.
PS. By Pollux, I will never supplicate anyone, so long at least
as you live. you, by Hercules, will give me the silver;
from you, indeed, I will take it.

SIM. Tu a me sumes? PS. Strenue.
SIM. Excludito mi hercle oculum, si dedero.

SIM. Will you take it from me? PS. Strenuously.
SIM. Gouge out my eye, by Hercules, if I ever give it.

PS. Dabis. 510
iam dico ut a me caveas. SIM. Certe edepol scio,
si apstuleris, mirum et magnum facinus feceris.
PS. Faciam.

PS. You will give it. 510
I’m telling you now to beware of me. SIM. Surely, by Pollux, I know,
if you carry it off, you will have done a marvelous and great crime. PS. I will do it.

SIM. Si non apstuleris? PS. Virgis caedito.
sed quid, si apstulero?

SIM. If you do not carry it off? PS. Beat me with rods.
but what, if I do carry it off?

SIM. Do Iovem testem tibi,
te aetatem impune habiturum. PS. Facito ut memineris. 515
SIM. Egon ut cavere nequeam, cui praedicitur?
PS. Praedico, ut caveas.

SIM. I call Jupiter to witness for you,
that you will pass your lifetime with impunity. PS. See that you remember. 515
SIM. I—how could I not beware, when I’m being forewarned?
PS. I forewarn you, so that you may beware.

dico, inquam, ut caveas. cave.
em istis mihi tu hodie manibus argentum dabis.

I say, I say, that you beware. Beware.
look— with those hands you will give me the silver today.

CAL. Edepol mortalem graphicum, si servat fidem.
PS. Servitum tibi me abducito, ni fecero. 520
CAL. Bene atque amice dicis. ~nam nunc, nam meust.

CAL. By Pollux, a picture of a mortal, if he keeps faith.
PS. Lead me off to serve you, if I do not do it. 520
CAL. You speak well and like a friend. ~for now, now he is mine.

PS. Vin etiam dicam quod vos magis miremini?
CAL. Studeo hercle audire, nam ted ausculto lubens.
[SIM. Agedum, nam satis libenter te ausculto loqui.] 523a
PS. Prius quam istam pugnam pugnabo, ego etiam prius
dabo aliam pugnam claram et commemorabilem.

PS. Do you also want me to say something that you will marvel at even more?
CAL. By Hercules, I am eager to hear, for I listen to you gladly.
[SIM. Come on then, for I quite willingly listen to you speak.] 523a
PS. Before I fight that fight, I too, first,
shall give another battle, illustrious and memorable.

SIM. Quam pugnam? PS. Em ab hoc lenone vicino tuo
per sycophantiam atque per doctos dolos
tibicinam illam, tuos quam gnatus deperit,
ea circumducam lepide lenonem. SIM. Quid est?

SIM. Which battle? PS. Look: from this pimp, your neighbor,
through sycophancy and through learned deceits,
that flute-girl whom your son is perishing for—
with these I will cleverly lead the pimp around. SIM. What is it?

PS. Effectum hoc hodie reddam utrumque ad vesperum. 530
SIM. Siquidem istaec opera, ut praedicas, perfeceris,
virtute regi Agathocli antecesseris.
sed si non faxis, numquid causaest, ilico
quin te in pistrinum condam? PS. Non unum in diem [modo],
verum hercle in omnis, quantumst; sed si effecero, 535
dabin mi argentum, quod dem lenoni, ilico,
tua voluntate?

PS. I will have both of these brought to effect today by evening. 530
SIM. If indeed you shall have completed these works, as you proclaim,
you will have surpassed King Agathocles in virtue.
but if you do not do it, is there any cause, straightaway,
why I should not consign you to the mill? PS. Not for one day [only],
but, by Hercules, for all, as many as there are; but if I bring it off, 535
will you give me silver, to give to the pimp, on the spot,
with your good will?

CAL. Ius bonum orat Pseudolus;
dabo inque. SIM. At enim scin quid mihi in mentem venit?
quid si hisce inter se consenserunt, Callipho,
aut de compecto faciunt consutis dolis, 540
qui me argento intervertant?

CAL. Pseudolus pleads a good right; I’ll give in too. SIM. But do you know what comes to my mind?
what if these men have agreed among themselves, Callipho,
or are acting by compact with sewn-up tricks, 540
to divert my silver?

PS. Quis me audacior
sit, si istuc facinus audeam? immo sic, Simo:
si sumus compecti seu consilium umquam iniimus [de istac re]
aut si de ea re umquam inter nos convenimus,
[quasi in libro cum scribuntur calamo litterae] 544a
stilis me totum usque ulmeis conscribito.
SIM. Indice ludos nunciam, quando lubet.

PS. Who would be more audacious than me
if I should dare that deed? Nay rather thus, Simo:
if we have struck a compact or ever entered into a counsel [about that matter]
or if about that matter we have ever agreed between ourselves,
[as in a book when letters are written with a reed-pen] 544a
keep inscribing me all over with elm-wood styluses. SIM. Proclaim the games now, whenever it pleases you.

PS. Da in hunc diem operam, Callipho, quaeso mihi,
ne quo te ad aliud occupes negotium.
CAL. Quin rus ut irem iam heri mecum statueram.
PS. At nunc disturba quas statuisti machinas. 550
CAL. Nunc non abire certum est istac gratia;
lubidost ludos tuos spectare, Pseudole.

PS. Give your effort for this day to me, Callipho, I beg,
so that you not occupy yourself with any other business.
CAL. Why, I had already decided with myself yesterday to go to the country.
PS. But now upset the machinations which you have set up. 550
CAL. Now it is settled not to go away on that account; I have a mind to watch your games, Pseudolus.

et si hunc videbo non dare argentum tibi,
quod dixit, potius quam id non fiat, ego dabo.
SIM. Non demutabo. PS. Namque edepol, si non dabis, 555
clamore magno et multo flagitabere.

and if I see this fellow not give the silver to you,
which he said, rather than that not be done, I will give it.
SIM. I will not change. PS. For, by Pollux, if you do not give, 555
you will be dunned with great and much clamor.

agite amolimini hinc vos intro nunciam
ac meis vicissim date locum fallaciis.
CAL. Fiat, geratur mos tibi. PS. Sed te volo
domi usque adesse.

come on, take yourselves off inside right now
and in turn give place to my trickery.
CAL. Let it be done; let your wish be observed. PS. But I want you
to be at home the whole time.

CAL. Quin tibi hanc operam dico.— 560
SIM. At ego ad forum ibo. iam hic ero.—PS. Actutum redi.
suspicio est mihi nunc vos suspicarier,
me idcirco haec tanta facinora promittere,
quo vos oblectem, hanc fabulam dum transigam,
neque sim facturus quod facturum dixeram. 565
non demutabo.

CAL. Why, I’ll promise you this service.— 560
SIM. But I’ll go to the forum. I’ll be here soon.—PS. Come back forthwith.
I have a suspicion now that you suspect
that for this reason I promise such great exploits,
so that I may entertain you, while I transact this fable,
and that I am not going to do what I had said I would do. 565
I will not change.

atque etiam certum, quod sciam,
quo id sim facturus pacto nil etiam scio,
nisi quia futurumst. nam qui in scaenam provenit,
novo modo novom aliquid inventum adferre addecet;
si id facere nequeat, det locum illi qui queat. 570
concedere aliquantisper hinc mi intro lubet,
dum concenturio in corde sycophantias.
<sed mox> exibo, non ero vobis morae;
tibicen vos interibi hic delectaverit.— 573a

and also it is certain, so far as I know,
as to the way in which I am going to do that, I still know nothing,
except that it will come to pass. for whoever comes forth upon the stage,
it befits him to bring something novel, newly invented;
if he cannot do that, let him give place to one who can. 570
it pleases me to withdraw from here inside for a little while,
while I concentrate in my heart my sycophantic schemes.
<but soon> I will come out, I will not be a delay to you;
the piper meanwhile will entertain you here.— 573a

ACTVS II

ACT 2

II.i
PSEVDOLVS Pro Iuppiter, ut mihi, quidquid ago, lepide omnia prospereque
    eveniunt:
neque quod dubitem neque quod timeam, meo in pectore conditumst consilium.
nam ea stultitiast, facinus magnum timido cordi credere; nam omnes
res perinde sunt
ut agas, ut eas magni facias; nam ego in meo pectore prius ***
ita paravi copias,
duplicis triplicis dolos perfidias, ut, ubiquomque hostibus congrediar—     580
maiorum meum fretus virtute dicam,
mea industria et malitia fraudulenta—
facile ut vincam, facile ut spoliem meos perduellis meis perfidiis.
nunc inimicum ego hunc communem meum atque vostrorum omnium,
Ballionem, exballistabo lepide: date operam modo;             585
[hoc ego oppidum admoenire, ut hodie capiatur, volo.]      585a
atque huc meas legiones adducam; si expugno—
facilem hanc rem meis civibus faciam—                               586a
post ad oppidum hoc vetus continuo meum exercitum protinus obducam:
inde me et simul participes omnis meos praeda onerabo atque opplebo,
metum et fugam perduellibus meis me ut sciant natum.

II.i
PSEVDOLVS By Jupiter, how for me, whatever I do, all things
    turn out neatly and prosperously:
nor is there anything that I should doubt nor anything that I should fear; the counsel is stored in my breast.
for that is stupidity, to entrust a great deed to a timid heart; for all
things are just as
you do them, as you reckon them of great account; for I in my own breast beforehand ***
have thus marshaled my forces,
double and triple deceits and perfidies, so that, wherever I meet the enemies—     580
relying, I will say, on the virtue of my ancestors,
on my industry and fraudulent malice—
I may easily conquer, I may easily despoil my enemy-combatants by my perfidies.
now this common enemy of mine and of all of you,
Ballio, I will ballista-batter cleverly: only give attention;             585
[hβ I want to bring up siege-works to this town, that it be captured today.]      585a
and I will lead my legions up to here; if I take it by storm—
I will make this matter easy for my fellow-citizens—                               586a
afterwards against this old town I will forthwith draw up my army straightaway:
from there I will load and fill with booty both myself and at the same time all my partners,
so that my enemy-combatants may know me born for causing fear and rout.

eo sum genere gnatus: magna me facinora decet efficere, 590
quae post mihi clara et diu clueant.
sed hunc quem video? quis hic est qui oculis meis obviam ignobilis obicitur?

I am born of that kind: it befits me to effect great deeds, 590
which afterward may be illustrious and long be renowned for me.
But whom do I see here? Who is this who, ignoble, is thrust to meet my eyes?

lubet scire quid hic veniat cum machaera et huic, quam rem agat, hinc dabo
insidias.

I desire to know why this man comes with a machaera, and what business he is about; from here I will set an ambush for him.
ambush.

II.ii
HARPAX Hi loci sunt atque hae regiones quae mi ab ero sunt    594-595
    demonstratae,
ut ego oculis rationem capio quam mi ita dixit erus meus miles,    596
septumas esse aedis a porta ubi ille habitet leno, quoi iussit
symbolum me ferre et hoc argentum. nimis velim, certum qui id mihi faciat,
Ballio leno ubi hic habitat.
PS. [St, tace, tace, meus hic est homo, ni omnes di atque homines      600
    deserunt.]
novo consilio nunc mihi opus est,
nova res subito mi haec obiectast:             601a
hoc praevortar principio; illa omnia missa habeo, quae ante agere occepi.

2.2
HARPAX These are the places and these the regions which by my master have been    594-595
    demonstrated to me,
as I take the reckoning with my eyes, as my master the soldier so told me,    596
that it is the seventh house from the gate where that pimp dwells, to whom he ordered
me to carry the symbol and this silver. I would very much like someone to make that
certain for me, where this pimp Ballio lives here.
PS. [Hush, be silent, be silent, this is my man here, unless all gods and men      600
    fail.]
I need a new plan now,
this new matter has suddenly presented itself to me:             601a
I will turn to this first; I have sent all those other things to the winds, which I had begun to do before.

iam pol ego hunc stratioticum nuntium advenientem probe percutiam.
HARP. Ostium pultabo atque intus evocabo aliquem foras.
PS. Quisquis es, compendium ego te facere pultandi volo; 605
nam ego precator et patronus foribus processi foras.

Now, by Pollux, I’ll soundly thump this military messenger as he comes.
HARP. I’ll knock at the door and call someone out from inside.
PS. Whoever you are, I want you to save yourself the trouble of knocking; 605
for I, a petitioner and patron, have come outside to the doors.

HARP. Tune es Ballio? PS. Immo vero ego eius sum Subballio.
HARP. Quid istuc verbist?

HARP. Are you Ballio? PS. No indeed, I am his Sub-Ballio.
HARP. What sort of word is that?

PS. Condus promus sum, procurator peni.
HARP. Quasi te dicas atriensem. PS. Immo atriensi ego impero.

PS. I am the keeper and dispenser, the procurator of the pantry.
HARP. As if you were saying you’re the atriensis. PS. Nay, I command the atriensis.

HARP. Quid tu, servon es an liber? PS. Nunc quidem etiam servio. 610
HARP. Ita videre, et non videre dignus qui liber sies.
PS. Non soles respicere te, quom dicis iniuste alteri?

HARP. What are you, are you a slave or free? PS. For now indeed I still serve. 610
HARP. So you look, and you do not look worthy to be free.
PS. Are you not wont to look to yourself, when you speak unjustly to another?

H. Hunc hominem malum esse oportet. P. Di me servant atque amant,
nam haec mihi incus est: procudam ego hodie hinc multos dolos.
H. Quid illic secum solus loquitur?

H. This man must be a bad man. P. The gods preserve and love me,
for this is an anvil to me: I will hammer out many deceits from this today.
H. What is that fellow talking with himself alone?

P. Quid ais tu, adulescens? H. Quid est? 615
PS. Esne tu an non es ab illo milite Macedonio,
servos eius qui hinc a nobis est mercatus mulierem,
qui argenti ero meo lenoni quindecim dederat minas,
quinque debet? HARP. Sum.

P. What do you say, young man? H. What is it? 615
PS. Are you, or are you not, from that Macedonian soldier,
his slave who has bought a woman from us here,
who had given my master the pimp fifteen minas of silver,
and owes five? HARP. I am.

sed ubi tu me novisti gentium
aut vidisti aut conlocutu's? nam equidem Athenas antidhac 620
numquam veni, neque te vidi ante hunc diem umquam oculis meis.
PS. Quia videre inde esse; nam olim quom abiit, argento haec dies
praestitutast, quoad referret nobis, neque dum rettulit.
H. Immo adest.

but where on earth have you known me
or seen or conversed? for indeed to Athens before this 620
I have never come, nor have I ever seen you before this day with my own eyes.
PS. Because you look to be from there; for once when he went away, this day was appointed for the silver until he should bring it back to us, and he has not yet brought it back.
H. No, he is here.

P. Tun attulisti? H. Egomet. P. Quid dubitas dare? 624-625
HARP. Tibi ego dem?

P. Did you bring it? H. I myself. P.
Why do you hesitate to give? 624-625
HARP. To you should I give?

PS. Mihi hercle vero, qui res rationesque eri 626
Ballionis curo, argentum accepto [expenso] et quoi debet dato.
HARP. Si quidem hercle etiam supremi promptas thensauros Iovis,
tibi libellam argenti numquam credam. PS. Dum tu sternuas,
res erit soluta.

PS. For my part, by Hercules, I, who manage the affairs and accounts of my master Ballio, 626
will see the silver entered as received [and expensed] and given to whom he owes it.
HARP. Even if, by Hercules, you were to bring forth the treasuries of highest Jove,
I will never entrust to you a single penny of silver. PS. So long as you sneeze,
the matter will be settled.

HARP. Vinctam potius sic servavero. 630
PS. Vae tibi, tu inventu's vero, meam qui furcilles fidem.
quasi mihi non sescenta tanta soli soleant credier.
HARP. Potest ut alii ita arbitrentur et ego ut ne credam tibi.

HARP. Rather thus I will have kept it bound. 630
PS. Woe to you; you truly are quite a find, you who pitchfork my fidelity.
as if to me alone not six hundred such sums were wont to be entrusted.
HARP. It may be that others so judge, and that I not trust you.

PS. Quasi tu dicas me te velle argento circumducere.
HARP. Immo vero quasi tu dicas quasique ego autem id suspicer. 635
sed quid est tibi nomen? PS. Servos est huic lenoni Surus,
eum esse me dicam.

PS. As though you say that I want to lead you around with silver.
HARP. Nay indeed, as though you say it, and as though I, for my part, suspect it. 635
but what is your name? PS. This pander has a slave, Surus,
I will say that I am him.

Surus sum. H. Surus? P. Id est nomen mihi.

I am Surus. H. Surus? P. That is my name.

HARP. Verba multa facimus. erus si tuos domi est, quin provocas,
ut id agam quod missus huc sum, quidquid est nomen tibi?
PS. Si intus esset, evocarem.

HARP. We make many words. If your master is at home, why don’t you call out,
so that I may do that which I was sent here to do, whatever your name is?
PS. If he were inside, I would call him out.

verum si dare vis mihi, 640
magis erit solutum, quasi ipsi dederis. HARP. At enim scin quid est?
reddere hoc, non perdere erus me misit.

but if you wish to give to me, 640
it will be more settled—just as if you had given it to him himself. HARP. But indeed, do you know what it is?
my master sent me to give this back, not to lose it.

nam certo scio,
hoc febrim tibi esse, quia non licet huc inicere ungulas.
ego, nisi ipsi Ballioni, nummum credam nemini.
PS. At illic nunc negotiosust: res agitur apud iudicem. 645
HARP. Di bene vortant.

for I certainly know,
that this is a fever for you, because it is not permitted to sink your claws in here.
I, unless to Ballio himself, would entrust a coin to no one.
PS. But he there is busy now: the case is being conducted before the judge. 645
HARP. May the gods turn it well.

at ego quando eum esse censebo domi,
rediero. tu epistulam hanc a me accipe atque illi dato.
nam istic sumbolust inter erum meum et tuom de muliere.

but I, when I shall deem him to be at home,
I will return. you receive this epistle from me and give it to him.
for therein is the symbol between my master and yours concerning the woman.

PS. Scio equidem: [ut] qui argentum adferret atque expressam imaginem
suam huc ad nos, cum eo aiebat velle mitti mulierem. 650
nam hic quoque exemplum reliquit eius. HARP. Omnem rem tenes.
PS. Quid ego ni teneam?

PS. I know indeed: namely, that whoever would bring the silver and an impressed image
of himself here to us, he said he wished the woman to be sent with him. 650
for here too he left an exemplar of it. HARP. You hold the whole matter.
PS. Why should I not hold it?

HARP. Dato istunc sumbolum ergo illi. P. Licet.
sed quid est tibi nomen?

HARP. Give that symbol then to him. P. It is permitted.
but what is your name?

HARP. Harpax. PS. Apage te, Harpax, hau places;
huc quidem hercle haud ibis intro, ne quid harpax feceris.
HARP. Hostis vivos rapere soleo ex acie: eo hoc nomen mihi est. 655
PS. Pol te multo magis opinor vasa ahena ex aedibus.

HARP. Harpax. PS. Away with you,
Harpax, you don’t please; by Hercules, you certainly won’t go in here, so that you don’t commit any rapine.
HARP. I am accustomed to seize enemies alive from the battle-line: for that reason I have this name. 655
PS. By Pollux, I suppose you much more [are used] to snatching bronze vessels from houses.

HARP. Non ita est. sed scin quid te oro, Sure? PS. Sciam si dixeris.

HARP. It is not so. But do you know what I beg you, Sura? PS. I’ll know if you tell me.

HARP. Ego devortor extra portam huc in tabernam tertiam,
apud anum illam doliarem, claudam crassam, Chrysidem.
PS. Quid nunc vis? HARP. Inde ut me arcessas, erus tuos ubi venerit.

HARP. I turn aside outside the gate, here, into the third tavern,
at that old jar-woman, the lame, fat one, Chrysis.
PS. What do you want now? HARP. From there, that you summon me, when your master has come.

me volo curare. PS. Sane sapis et consilium placet.
sed vide sis ne in quaestione sis, quando arcessam, mihi.

I want to look after myself. PS. You are certainly wise, and the counsel pleases.
but please see that you are not under questioning when I am to fetch you, for me.

HARP. Quin ubi prandero, dabo operam somno. PS. Sane censeo.
HARP. Numquid vis?

HARP. Why, when I have lunched, I will devote effort to sleep. PS. I certainly judge so.
HARP. Do you want anything?

PS. Dormitum ut abeas. HARP. Abeo.— PS. Atque 665
audin, Harpage?
iube sis te operiri: beatus eris, si consudaveris.

PS. Go away to sleep. HARP. I’m going.— PS. And 665
do you hear, Harpage? please tell them to wait for you: you will be blessed if you sweat it out.

II.iii
di immortales, conservavit me illic homo adventu suo.
suo viatico redduxit me usque ex errore in viam.
nam ipsa mi Opportunitas non potuit opportunius
advenire quam haec allatast mi opportune epistula. 670
nam haec allata cornu copiaest, ubi inest quidquid volo:
hic doli, hic fallaciae omnes, hic sunt sycophantiae,
hic argentum, hic amica amanti erili filio.

II.iii
Immortal gods, that man saved me there by his arrival.
with his traveling-money he led me back all the way from error into the way.
for Opportunity herself could not have come more opportunely
than this letter has been brought to me, opportune. 670
for this has been brought from the horn-of-plenty, wherein is whatever I want:
here are tricks, here all deceits, here are sycophancies,
here silver, here a girlfriend for the loving master’s son.

atque ego nunc me ut gloriosum faciam et copi pectore:
quo modo quicque agerem, ut lenoni surruperem mulierculam, 675
iam instituta ornata cuncta in ordine, animo ut volueram,
certa deformata habebam; sed profecto hoc sic erit:
centum doctum hominum consilia sola haec devincit dea,
Fortuna. atque hoc verum est: proinde ut quisque Fortuna utitur,
ita praecellet atque exinde sapere eum omnes dicimus. 680
bene ubi quoi scimus consilium accidisse, hominem catum
eum esse declaramus, stultum autem illum quoi vortit male.
stulti hau scimus, frusta ut simus, quom quid cupienter dari
petimus nobis, quasi quid in rem sit possimus noscere.

And I now, in order that I may make myself glorious and with a full heart:
how I would do each thing, so as to filch the little woman from the pander, 675
already all things set up and equipped in order, as I had wished in mind,
I had my fixed plans shaped; but surely this will be so:
the counsels of a hundred learned men this goddess alone overmasters—
Fortune. And this is true: just as each man makes use of Fortune,
so he excels, and from that we all say he is wise. 680
whenever we know that a plan has turned out well for someone, we declare the man canny
to be such; but foolish him for whom it turns out ill.
we fools do not know—vainly as we are—when, eagerly for something to be given,
we ask for ourselves, as if we could know what is to our advantage.

certa mittimus, dum incerta petimus; atque hoc evenit 685
in labore atque in dolore, ut mors obrepat interim.
sed iam satis est philosophatum. nimis diu et longum loquor.

we dismiss the certain, while we seek the uncertain; and this happens 685
in labor and in pain, that death creeps up in the interim.
but now it is enough to have philosophized. i speak too long and at too great a length.

di immortales, aurichalco contra non carum fuit
meum mendacium, hic modo quod subito commentus fui,
quia lenonis me esse dixi. nunc ego hac epistula 690
tris deludam, erum et lenonem et qui hanc dedit mi epistulam.
euge, par pari aliud autem quod cupiebam contigit:
venit eccum Calidorus, ducit nescio quem secum simul.

Immortal gods, my lie was not costly by comparison with orichalcum,
the one I just now suddenly contrived,
because I said that I belonged to the pimp. Now with this epistle 690
I will delude three: the master, the pimp, and the one who gave me this epistle.
Bravo, moreover another thing I desired has befallen, like for like:
look, here comes Calidorus; he is leading someone-or-other along with him as well.

II.iv
CALIDORVS Dulcia atque amara apud te sum elocutus omnia:
scis amorem, scis laborem, scis egestatem meam.                    695
CHARINVS Commemini omnia: id tu modo, me quid vis facere, fac sciam.
[CAL. Quom haec tibi alia sum elocutus, vix rem scis de symbolo.     696a
CHAR. Omnia, inquam. tu modo quid me facere vis fac ut sciam.]     696b
CAL. Pseudolus mi ita imperavit, ut aliquem hominem strenuom
benevolentem adducerem ad se. CHAR. Servas imperium probe;
nam et amicum et benevolentem ducis.

2.4
CALIDORVS I have spoken out to you all things, sweet and bitter alike:
you know my love, you know my labor, you know my poverty.                    695
CHARINVS I remember all: only let me know what you want me to do.
[CAL. Since I have told you these other things, you scarcely know the matter about the token-symbol.     696a
CHAR. Everything, I say. Only make it so that I may know what you want me to do.]     696b
CAL. Pseudolus has ordered me thus, that I should bring to him some strenuous, well-disposed man. CHAR. You keep the command well;
for you are leading both a friend and a well-disposed one.

sed istic Pseudolus
novos mihist. CAL. Nimium est mortalis graphicus, ~heuretes mihi est. 700
is mihi haec sese ecfecturum dixit quae dixi tibi.
PS. Magnufice hominem compellabo.

but that Pseudolus there
is new to me. CAL. He is an exceedingly ingenious mortal, a finder to me. 700
he told me that he would effect these things which I told you.
PS. I will magnificently accost the man.

CAL. Quoia vox resonat? PS. Io,
io te te, turanne, te te ego, qui imperitas Pseudolo,
quaero, quoi ter trina triplicia, tribus modis tria gaudia,
artibus tribus tris demeritas dem laetitias, de tribus 705
fraude partas per malitiam et per dolum et fallaciam; 705a
in libello hoc obsignato ad te attuli pauxillulo.
CAL. Illic homost.

CAL. Whose voice resounds? PS. Io,
io, you, you, tyrant, you— you I seek, you who give orders to Pseudolus,
to whom thrice three triplicities, in three modes three joys,
by three arts I may give three well-earned delights, of the three 705
won by fraud through malice and through guile and deceit; 705a
in this sealed little booklet I have brought to you, quite tiny.
CAL. There is the man.

CHAR. Vt paratragoedat carnufex. PS. Confer gradum
contra pariter, porge audacter ad salutem bracchium.
CAL. Dic utrum Spemne an Salutem te salutem, Pseudole?

CHAR. How the hangman para-tragedizes. PS. Match your step equally toward me; extend boldly your arm for salutation.
CAL. Say whether I salute you as Hope or as Salvation, Pseudolus?

PS. Immo utrumque. CHAR. Vtrumque, salve. sed quid actumst?

PS. Rather, both. CHAR. Both, hail. but what has been done?

PS. 710
Quid times?
CAL. Attuli hunc. PS. Quid, attulisti?

PS. 710
What do you fear?
CAL. I’ve brought this fellow. PS. What, you brought him?

CAL. Adduxi volui dicere.
PS. Quis istic est? CAL. Charinus.

CAL. I have brought I meant to say.
PS. Who is that there? CAL. Charinus.

PS. Euge. Iam ch5arin touto poiou.
CHAR. Quin tu si quid opust, mi audacter imperas?

PS. Bravo. Now do me this favor.
CHAR. Why don’t you, if there is any need, command me boldly, my friend?

PS. Tam gratiast.
bene sit tibi, Charine. nolo tibi molestos esse nos.

PS. So welcome it is.
May it be well for you, Charinus. I do not wish us to be troublesome to you.

CH. Vos molestos mihi? molestumst mi id quidem. P. Tum igitur mane. 715
CAL. Quid istuc est?

CH. You troublesome to me? That indeed is troublesome to me. P. Then therefore wait. 715
CAL. What is that?

PS. Epistulam modo hanc intercepi et sumbolum.
CAL. Sumbolum? quem sumbolum?

PS. I just now intercepted this epistle and a symbol.
CAL. A symbol? what symbol?

PS. Qui a milite allatust modo.
eius servos qui hunc ferebat cum quinque argenti minis,
tuam qui amicam hinc arcessebat, ei os sublevi modo.
CAL. Quo modo?

PS. Which has just been brought by the soldier.
His slave, who was carrying this with five minas of silver,
who was summoning your girlfriend from here—I just greased his palm, just now.
CAL. How so?

PS. Horum causa haec agitur spectatorum fabula: 720
hi sciunt, qui hic adfuerunt; vobis post narravero.
CAL. Quid nunc agimus? PS. Liberam hodie tuam amicam amplexabere.

PS. For these spectators’ sake this
play is being performed: 720
these know, who have been present here; I will narrate to you afterward.
CAL. What do we do now? PS. Today your girlfriend
you shall embrace as free.

CAL. Egone? PS. Tu istic ipsus, inquam, si quidem hoc vivet caput;
si modo mihi hominem invenietis propere. CHAR. Qua facie?

CAL. I? PS. You there yourself, I say, so long as this head shall live;
if only you find the man for me quickly. CHAR. Of what face?

PS. Malum,
callidum, doctum, qui quando principium prehenderit, 725
porro sua virtute teneat quid se facere oporteat;
atque qui hic non visitatus saepe sit. CHAR. Si servos est,
numquid refert? PS. Immo multo mavolo quam liberum.

PS. A malefactor,
a crafty, learned fellow, who, when he has apprehended the beginning, 725
thereafter by his own virtue keeps hold of what it behooves him to do;
and one who here has not been often visited. CHAR. If he is a slave,
does it matter? PS. Nay, I much prefer him to a free man.

CHAR. Posse opinor me dare hominem tibi malum et doctum domo,
qui a patre advenit Carysto nec dum exiit ex aedibus 730
quoquam neque Athenas advenit umquam ante hesternum diem.
PS. Bene iuvas. sed quinque inventis opus est argenti minis
mutuis, quas hodie reddam: nam huius mihi debet pater.

CHAR. I suppose I can give you from home a man bad and learned,
who has arrived from his father, from Carystus, and has not yet gone out from the house 730
anywhere, nor has he ever come to Athens before yesterday’s day. PS. You help well. But there is need of five minae of silver, on loan, which I will repay today; for the father of this man owes me.

CHAR. Ego dabo, ne quaere aliunde. PS. O hominem opportunum mihi.
etiam opust chlamyde et machaera et petaso.

CHAR. I will give, do not seek elsewhere. PS. O what an opportune man for me.
also there is need of a chlamys and a machaera and a petasus.

CHAR. Possum a me dare. 735
PS. Di immortales, non Charinus mihi hic quidem, sed Copiast.
sed istic servos, ex Carysto qui hic adest, ecquid sapit?
CHAR. Hircum ab alis.

CHAR. I can give it from my own. 735
PS. Immortal gods, this fellow is not Charinus to me here, but Copia.
but that slave there, who is here from Carystus, does he have any sense?
CHAR. A goat from his armpits.

PS. Manuleatam tunicam habere hominem addecet.
ecquid is homo habet aceti in pectore? CHAR. Atque acidissumi.

PS. It befits the man to have a sleeved tunic.
Has that man any vinegar in his breast? CHAR. And of the sourest.

PS. Quid, si opus sit ut dulce promat indidem, ecquid habet? CH. Rogas? 740
murrinam, passum, defrutum, mellam, mel quoivismodi;
quin in corde instruere quondam coepit pantopolium.
PS. Eugepae, lepide, Charine, meo me ludo lamberas.

PS. What, if there should be need that he bring forth something sweet from there, has he anything? CH. You ask? 740
myrrh-wine, passum, defrutum, honey-syrup, honey of whatever sort;
nay, he even once began to set up in his heart a pantopolium.
PS. Bravo, neatly done, Charinus; you’ve got me licked at my own game.

sed quid nomen esse dicam ego isti servo? CHAR. Simiae.
PS. Scitne in re advorsa vorsari?

but what name shall I say that slave has? CHAR. Simia.
PS. Does he know how to handle himself in adversity?

CHAR. Turbo non aeque citust. 745
PS. Ecquid argutust? CHAR. Malorum facinorum saepissime.
PS. Quid cum manifesto tenetur?

CHAR. Not even a whirligig is as swift. 745
PS. Is he at all sharp? CHAR. Most often in evil deeds.
PS. What about when he’s caught red-handed?

CHAR. Anguillast, elabitur.
PS. Ecquid is homo scitust? CHAR. Plebi scitum non est scitius.

CHAR. He’s an eel; he slips away.
PS. Is that man at all “knowing”? CHAR. He’s not more “knowing” than a plebiscite of the plebs.

PS. Probus homo est, ut praedicare te audio. CHAR. Immo si scias,
ubi te aspexerit, narrabit ultro quid sese velis. 750
sed quid es acturus? PS. Dicam.

PS. He is an upright man, as I hear you proclaim. CHAR. Nay rather, if you knew,
when he catches sight of you, he will of his own accord relate what you want of him. 750
but what are you about to act? PS. I shall say.

ubi hominem exornavero,
subditivom fieri ego illum militis servom volo;
sumbolum hunc ferat lenoni cum quinque argenti minis,
mulierem ab lenone abducat: em tibi omnem fabulam.
ceterum quo quicque pacto faciat, ipsi dixero. 755
CAL. Quid nunc igitur stamus? PS. Hominem cum ornamentis omnibus
exornatum adducite ad me iam ad trapezitam Aeschinum.

when I have adorned the man,
I want that fellow to be made a subdititious slave of a soldier;
let him carry this symbol to the pimp with five minas of silver,
let him lead the woman away from the pimp: there’s your whole tale.
as for by what method he is to do each thing, I will tell him myself. 755
CAL. Why then are we standing now? PS. Bring the man with all the ornaments
adorned, lead him to me now, to Aeschinus the banker.

sed properate. CAL. Prius illi erimus quam tu.— PS. Abite ergo ocius.
quidquid incerti mi in animo prius aut ambiguom fuit,
nunc liquet, nunc defaecatumst cor mihi; nunc perviumst: 760
omnes ordine sub signis ducam legiones meas,
avi sinistra, auspicio liquido atque ex <mea> sententia;
confidentia est inimicos meos me posse perdere.

but make haste. CAL. We shall be there before he is than you.— PS. Be off then more swiftly.
whatever of uncertainty or ambiguity there was in my mind before,
now it is clear, now my heart is defecated—clarified; now it is pervious: 760
I will lead all my legions in order beneath the standards,
with the bird on the left, with a limpid auspice and according to my own judgment;
I have confidence that I can destroy my enemies.

nunc ibo ad forum atque onerabo meis praeceptis Simiam,
quid agat, ne quid titubet, docte ut hanc ferat fallaciam. 765
iam ego hoc ipsum oppidum expugnatum faxo erit lenonium.

now I will go to the forum and load Simius with my precepts,
what he is to do, so that he totter in nothing, so that he may cleverly carry off this deception. 765
soon I will see to it that this very stronghold—the brothel—be taken by storm.

ACTVS III

ACT 3

III.i
PVER Cui servitutem di danunt lenoniam
puero, atque eidem si addunt turpitudinem,
ne illi, quantum ego nunc corde conspicio meo,
malam rem magnam multasque aerumnas danunt.    770
velut haec mi evenit servitus, ubi ego omnibus
parvis magnisque miseriis praefulcior:
neque ego amatorem mi invenire ullum queo,
qui amet me, ut curer tandem nitidiuscule.
nunc huic lenoni hodie est natalis dies:            775
interminatus est a minimo ad maximum,
si quis non hodie munus misisset sibi,
eum cras cruciatu maximo perbitere.
nunc nescio hercle rebus quid faciam meis;
neque ego illud possum, quod illi qui possunt solent.     780
nunc, nisi lenoni munus hodie misero,
cras mihi potandus fructus est fullonius.

3.1
BOY To the boy to whom the gods allot a pimp’s servitude,
and if to the same they add turpitude besides,
why, as far as I now discern with my heart,
they give to him a great evil and many hardships.    770
Just as this servitude has befallen me, wherein I
am propped up by every misery, small and great:
nor can I find any lover for myself,
who would love me, so that at last I might be cared for a bit sprucely.
now today is this pimp’s birthday:            775
he has threatened from the least to the greatest,
that if anyone should not have sent him a gift today,
that one tomorrow will perish by the greatest torment.
now by Hercules I do not know what I am to do about my affairs;
nor can I do that which those who can are wont to do.     780
Now, unless I send the pimp a gift today,
tomorrow for me the fuller’s fruit is to be drunk.

eheu, quam illae rei ego etiam nunc sum parvolus.
atque edepol, ut nunc male eum metuo miser,
si quispiam det qui manus gravior siet, 785
quamquam illud aiunt magno gemitu fieri,
comprimere dentes videor posse aliquo modo.
sed comprimenda est mihi vox atque oratio:
erus eccum recipit se domum et ducit coquom.

alas, how tiny I am even now for that business.
and, by Pollux, how badly I, poor wretch, fear now for myself,
if anyone should assign one whose hands are heavier, 785
although they say that is done with a great groan,
I seem able somehow to compress my teeth.
but my voice and speech must be suppressed:
look, the master betakes himself home and leads the cook.

III.ii
BALLIO Forum coquinum qui vocant, stulte vocant, 790
nam non coquinum est, verum furinum est forum.
nam ego si iuratus peiorem hominem quaererem
coquom, non potui, quam hunc quem duco, ducere,
multiloquom gloriosum insulsum inutilem.
quin ob eam rem Orcus recipere ad se hunc noluit, 795
ut esset hic qui mortuis cenam coquat;
nam hic solus illis coquere quod placeat potest.

III.ii
BALLIO The Forum of Cooks, as they call it, they call foolishly, 790
for it is not a cooks’ forum, but truly a thieves’ forum.
for I, even if sworn, were seeking a worse man as a
cook, I could not bring in one worse than this one I’m bringing in:
multiloquous, vainglorious, insipid, inutile.
indeed for that reason Orcus would not receive him to himself, 795
so that there might be here one to cook dinner for the dead;
for this man alone can cook what may please them.

COCVS Si me arbitrabare isto pacto, ut praedicas,
cur conducebas? BAL. Inopia: alius non erat.
sed cur sedebas in foro, si eras coquos, 800
tu solus praeter alios?

COOK If you were judging me in that fashion, as you profess, why were you hiring me? BAL. Need: there was no other.
but why were you sitting in the forum, if you were a cook, 800
you alone beyond the others?

COC. Ego dicam tibi:
hominum vitio ego sum factus improbior coquos,
non meopte ingenio. BAL. Qua istuc ratione? COC. Eloquar.

COC. I will tell you:
by the vice of men I have been made a more unscrupulous cook,
not by my very own nature. BAL. By what reason is that? COC. I will speak out.

quia enim, cum extemplo veniunt conductum coquom,
nemo illum quaerit qui optimus et carissimust: 805
illum conducunt potius qui vilissimust.
hoc ego fui hodie solus obsessor fori.
illi drachmissent miseri: me nemo potest
minoris quisquam nummo ut surgam subigere.

for indeed, when they come straightaway to hire a cook,
no one seeks the one who is best and dearest (i.e., most expensive): 805
they rather hire the one who is vilest (i.e., cheapest).
this I was today, the forum’s sole haunter.
they would have paid drachmas, the poor wretches: as for me, no one at all can
force me to get up for a coin less.

non ego item cenam condio ut alii coqui,                 810
qui mihi condita prata in patinis proferunt,
boves qui convivas faciunt herbasque oggerunt,
eas herbas herbis aliis porro condiunt:
indunt coriandrum, feniculum, alium, atrum holus,
apponunt rumicem, brassicam, betam, blitum,       815
eo laserpici libram pondo diluont,
teritur sinapis scelera, quae illis qui terunt
prius quam triverunt oculi ut extillent facit.
ei homines cenas ubi coquont, cum condiunt,
non condimentis condiunt, sed strigibus,              820
vivis convivis intestina quae exedint.
hoc hic quidem homines tam brevem vitam colunt,
quom hasce herbas huius modi in suom alvom congerunt,
formidulosas dictu, non essu modo.

I do not season a dinner in the same way as other cooks,                 810
who serve up dressed meadows on platters for me,
who make their dinner-guests into oxen and shove herbs at them,
and those herbs they further season with other herbs:
they put in coriander, fennel, garlic, black cole,
they set on dock, brassica (cabbage), beet, orach,       815
into that they dilute a pound by weight of laserpicium,
the crimes of mustard are ground—crimes which, for those who grind it,
make their eyes trickle before they have finished grinding.
those men, when they cook dinners, when they season,
they season not with condiments, but with striges,              820
who eat out the intestines of living dinner-guests.
thus here indeed men cultivate so short a life,
when they heap herbs of this sort into their own belly,
fearful to speak of, not only to eat.

quas herbas pecudes non edunt, homines edunt.   825
BAL. Quid tu? divinis condimentis utere,
qui prorogare vitam possis hominibus,
qui ea culpes condimenta? COC. Audacter dicito;
nam vel ducenos annos poterunt vivere
meas qui essitabunt escas quas condivero.          830
nam ego cocilendrum quando in patinas indidi
aut cepolendrum aut maccidem aut secaptidem,
eaepse sese [patinae] fervefaciunt ilico.
haec ad Neptuni pecudes condimenta sunt:
terrestris pecudes cicimalindro condio,               835
hapalocopide aut cataractria.

which herbs the beasts do not eat, men eat.   825
BAL. How about you? Use divine condiments—you who could prolong life for human beings—, and do you find fault with those condiments? COC. Speak boldly;
for they will be able to live even 200 years,
those who will eat my foods which I shall have seasoned.          830
For whenever I have put cocilendrum into the dishes,
or cepolendrum or maccidem or secaptidem,
the dishes themselves make themselves boil on the spot. These are condiments for Neptune’s cattle:
I season terrestrial herds with cicimalindrum,               835
with hapalocopis or cataractria.

BAL. At te Iuppiter
dique omnes perdant cum condimentis tuis
cumque tuis istis omnibus mendaciis.
COC. Sine sis loqui me. BAL. Loquere, atque i in malam crucem.
COC. Vbi omnes patinae fervont, omnis aperio: 840
is odos dimissis manibus in caelum volat.

BAL. But may Jupiter and all the gods destroy you with your condiments and with all those lies of yours.
COC. Please allow me to speak. BAL. Speak—and go to the gallows.
COC. When all the pans are boiling, I open every one: 840
that odor, with the hands let down, flies into the sky.

BAL. Odos dimissis manibus? COC. Peccavi insciens.
BAL. Quidum?

BAL. An odor, with hands dismissed? COC. I sinned unwittingly. BAL. What then?

COC. Dimissis pedibus volui dicere.
eum odorem cenat Iuppiter cottidie.
BAL. Si nusquam is coctum, quidnam cenat Iuppiter? 845
COC. It incenatus cubitum.

COOK. I meant to say, with feet let loose.
Jupiter dines on that odor every day.
BALLIO. If that is cooked nowhere, what then does Jupiter dine on? 845
COOK. He goes to bed without dinner.

BAL. I in malam crucem.
istacine causa tibi hodie nummum dabo?
COC. Fateor equidem esse me coquom carissumum;
verum pro pretio facio ut opera appareat
mea quo conductus venio.

BAL. Go to the evil cross.
For that reason am I to give you a coin today?
COC. I confess indeed that I am a most costly cook;
but in return for the price I make it so that my work appears—
the work for which I come hired.

BAL. Ad furandum quidem.   850
COC. An tu invenire postulas quemquam coquom
nisi miluinis aut aquilinis ungulis?
BAL. An tu coquinatum te ire quoquam postulas,
quin ibi constrictis ungulis cenam coquas?
nunc adeo tu, qui meus es, iam edico tibi,          855
ut nostra properes amoliri omnia,
tum ut huius oculos in oculis habeas tuis:
quoquo hic spectabit, eo tu spectato simul;
si quo hic gradietur, pariter progredimino;
manum si protollet, pariter proferto manum:      860
suom si quid sumet, id tu sinito sumere;
si nostrum sumet, tu teneto altrinsecus.

BAL. Indeed, for stealing.   850
COC. Do you insist on finding any cook except with kite’s or eagle’s talons?
BAL. Do you insist on going anywhere to cook, without your talons bound there to cook the dinner?
now then you, who are mine, I now order you,          855
to hurry to remove all our belongings,
and to have this fellow’s eyes within your own eyes:
wherever he looks, there you likewise look at the same time;
if he steps anywhere, advance together step for step;
if he stretches out his hand, you likewise stretch out your hand;      860
if he takes anything of his own, allow him to take it;
if he takes what is ours, you hold him from the other side.

si iste ibit, ito, stabit, astato simul;
si conquiniscet istic, conquiniscito.
item his discipulis privos custodes dabo. 865
COC. Habe modo bonum animum. BAL. Quaeso, qui possum, doce,
bonum animum habere qui te ad me adducam domum?

if that fellow goes, go; if he stands, stand by at the same time;
if he defecates there, defecate likewise.
likewise, to these disciples I will give separate guards apiece. 865
COC. Only keep a good spirit. BAL. Pray, how can I—teach me—
to have good spirit when I am bringing you home to my house?

COC. Quia sorbitione faciam ego hodie te mea,
item ut Medea Peliam concoxit senem,
quem medicamento et suis venenis dicitur 870
fecisse rursus ex sene adulescentulum,
item ego te faciam. BAL. Eho, an etiam es veneficus?
COC. Immo edepol vero hominum servator.

COC. Because with my broth I will today make you into my own,
just as Medea concocted the old man Pelias,
whom by a medicament and her own venoms she is said 870
to have made again from an old man into a young adolescent,
so likewise will I make you. BAL. Hey, are you even a poisoner?
COC. Nay indeed, by Pollux, a savior of men.

BAL. Ehem,
quanti istuc unum me ~coquinare perdoces? 874-875
COC. Quid? BAL. Vt te servem, ne quid surripias mihi. 876
COC. Si credis, nummo; si non, ne mina quidem.
sed utrum tu amicis hodie an inimicis tuis
daturu's cenam?

BAL. Ahem,
for how much will you thoroughly teach me this one thing—to cook? 874-875
COC. What? BAL. So that I may keep watch on you, lest you surreptitiously snatch anything from me. 876
COC. If you trust me, for a coin; if not, not even for a mina.
but are you going to give dinner today to your friends or to your enemies?

BAL. Pol ego amicis scilicet.
COC. Quin tuos inimicos potius quam amicos vocas? 880
nam ego ita convivis cenam conditam dabo
hodie atque ita suavi suavitate condiam:
ut quisque quicque conditum gustaverit,
ipsus sibi faciam ut digitos praerodat suos.
BAL. Quaeso hercle, prius quam quoiquam convivae dabis, 885
gustato tute prius et discipulis dato,
ut praerodatis vostras furtificas manus.

BAL. By Pollux, for my friends, of course.
COC. Why don’t you invite your enemies rather than your friends? 880
for I will serve the dinner to the dinner‑guests so condited
today, and I will season it with such sweet suavity,
that, as each person tastes whatever has been condited,
I will make him gnaw his own fingers.
BAL. I beg, by Hercules, before you give it to any dinner‑guest, 885
taste it yourself first and give it to your apprentices,
so that you (pl.) may gnaw down your thievish hands.

COC. Fortasse haec tu nunc mihi non credis quae loquor.
BAL. Molestus ne sis, nimium [iam] tinnis; non taces?
em illic ego habito.

COC. Perhaps you do not now believe what I say.
BAL. Do not be bothersome; you jingle too much already; won’t you be silent?
Look—there I live.

intro abi et cenam coque. 890
propera. PVER Quin tu is accubitum, et convivas cedo,
corrumpitur iam cena.— BAL. Em, subolem sis vide:
iam hic quoque scelestus est, coqui sublingulo.
profecto quid nunc primum caveam nescio,
ita in aedibus sunt fures, praedo in proxumo est. 895
nam mi hic vicinus apud forum paulo prius,
pater Calidori, opere edixit maxumo,
ut mihi caverem a Pseudolo servo suo,
ne fidem ei haberem.

go inside and cook the dinner. 890
make speed. BOY Why don’t you go to recline, and produce the dinner‑guests;
the dinner is already being spoiled.— BAL. There—do please look at the offspring:
even here this one too is a scoundrel, the cook’s underling.
truly I do not know what first I should beware of now,
so many thieves are in the house, a brigand is next door. 895
for my neighbor here at the forum a little before,
the father of Calidorus, with very great earnestness declared,
that I should beware of Pseudolus, his slave,
that I should not have faith in him.

nam eum circum ire in hunc diem,
ut me, si posset, muliere intervorteret; 900
eum promisisse firmiter dixit sibi,
sese abducturum a me dolis Phoenicium.
nunc ibo intro atque edicam familiaribus,
profecto ne quis quicquam credat Pseudolo.—

for that he is going around today,
to see whether he could, by means of the woman, overreach me; 900
he said that that one had promised him firmly,
that he would abduct Phoenicium from me by stratagems.
now I will go inside and give orders to the household,
assuredly that no one trust anything to Pseudolus.—

ACTVS IV

ACT 4

IV.i
PSEVDOLVS Si umquam quemquam di immortales voluere esse auxilio adiutum, 905
tum me et Calidorum servatum volunt esse et lenonem extinctum,
quom te adiutorem genuerunt mihi tam doctum hominem atque astutum.
sed ubi illic est? sumne ego homo insipiens, qui haec mecum egomet loquar solus?

IV.i
PSEVDOLVS If ever the immortal gods have wished anyone to be aided with auxiliary help, 905
then they wish me and Calidorus to be preserved and the pimp to be extinct,
since they begot you as an adjutant for me, a man so learned and astute. But where is that fellow? Am I an insapient man, that I myself should talk these things with myself alone?

dedit verba mihi hercle, ut opinor:
malus cum malo stulte cavi. 909a
tum pol ego interii, homo si ille abiit, neque hoc opus quod volui hodie efficiam.
sed eccum video verbeream statuam: ut it, ut magnifice infert sese.
ehem, te hercle ego circumspectabam, nimis metuebam male, ne abiisses.

By Hercules, he gave me words, as I reckon:
as a rogue with a rogue, I foolishly was cautious. 909a
Then, by Pollux, I am undone, if that fellow has gone, nor will I bring about this work which I wanted today.
But look, I see a whipping-worthy statue: how he goes, how magnificently he bears himself.
Ahem, by Hercules, I was looking round for you; I was very much afraid, ill for me, lest you had gone away.

SIMIA Fuit meum officium ut facerem, fateor.
PS. Vbi restiteras? SIM. Vbi mihi libitum est. 913a
PS. Istuc *** ego satis scio.

SIMIA It was my duty to do it, I confess.
PS. Where had you stopped? SIM. Where it pleased me. 913a
PS. That *** I know well enough.

SIM. Quor ergo quod scis me rogas?
PS. At hoc volo monere te. SIM. Monendus ne me moneas.
PS. Nimis tandem ego aps te contemnor.

SIM. Why then do you ask me what you know?
PS. But this I want to admonish you of. SIM. You are to be admonished not to admonish me.
PS. I am too much, then, contemned by you.

SIM. Quippe ego te ni contemnam,
stratioticus homo qui cluear?
PS. Iam hoc volo quod occeptumst agi. SIM. Numquid agere aliud me vides?

SIM. For indeed, if I do not contemn you,
what sort of military man would I be called?
PS. Now I want what has been begun to be carried out. SIM. Do you see me doing anything else?

PS. Ambula ergo cito. SIM. Immo otiose volo. 920
PS. Haec ea occasiost: dum ille dormit, volo
tu prior ut occupes adire.
SIM. Quid properas?

PS. Walk then quickly. SIM. Nay, I prefer leisurely. 920
PS. This is the occasion: while he is sleeping, I want you to be first to occupy the approach.
SIM. Why are you hurrying?

placide, ne time.
ita ille faxit Iuppiter,                          923a
ut ille palam ibidem adsiet,
quisquis illest, qui adest a milite.      924a
numquam edepol erit ille potior
Harpax quam ego. habe animum bonum:          925a
pulchre ego hanc explicatam tibi rem dabo.

calmly, do not fear.
so may that Jupiter bring it to pass,                          923a
that he be openly present right there,
whoever he is who is here from the soldier.      924a
by Pollux, that Harpax will never be superior
to me. take good heart:          925a
I will give this matter to you finely explicated.

sic ego illum dolis atque mendaciis
in timorem dabo militarem advenam,
ipsus sese ut neget esse eum qui siet
meque ut esse autumet qui ipsus est. PS. Qui potest? 930
SIM. Occidis me, cum istuc rogitas. PS. O hominem lepidum.

thus I, with tricks and mendacities,
will put that military newcomer into fear,
so that he himself denies that he is who he is,
and avers that I am who he himself is. PS. How can that be? 930
SIM. You kill me, when you ask that. PS. O what a charming fellow.

SIM. Te quoque etiam dolis atque mendaciis,
qui magister mihi es, antidibo, ut scias.
PS. Iuppiter te mihi servet. SIM. Immo mihi.

SIM. You too I will pay back with tricks and mendacity,
you who are my teacher, so that you may know.
PS. May Jupiter preserve you for me. SIM. Rather, for me.

sed vide, ornatus hic me satin condecet? 935
PS. Optume habet. SIM. Esto. 935a
PS. Tantum tibi boni di immortales duint quantum tu tibi optes;
nam si exoptem, quantum dignu's tantum dent, minus nihilo sit.
neque ego hoc homine quemquam vidi magis malum et maleficum.

but look, does this attire become me enough? 935
PS. It is excellent. SIM. So be it. 935a
PS. May the immortal gods grant you as much good as you wish for yourself;
for if I should wish that they give as much as you are worthy, let it be less by nothing.
nor have I seen anyone more evil and maleficent than this man.

SIM. Tun id mihi? PS. Taceo. 938a
sed ego quae tibi bona dabo et faciam, si hanc sobrie rem accurassis.
SIM. Potin ut taceas?

SIM. You—to me? PS. I am silent. 938a
but what good things I will give and do for you, if you handle this matter soberly.
SIM. Can you be silent?

memorem immemorem facit qui monet quod memor meminit.
teneo, omnia in pectore condita sunt, meditati sunt mihi doli docte.
PS. Probus est hic homo.

He makes the mindful unmindful who admonishes about what the mindful remembers.
I grasp; all things are stored in my breast; the wiles have been meditated for me, skillfully.
PS. This man is a man of probity.

SIM. Neque hic est neque ego. PS. At vide ne titubes.
SIM. Potin ut taceas?

SIM. He is not here, nor am I. PS. But see that you don't stumble.
SIM. Can you be quiet?

PS. Ita me di ament— SIM. Ita non facient: mera iam mendacia fundes.
PS. Vt ego ob tuam, Simia, perfidiam te amo et metuo et magni facio.
SIM. Ego istuc aliis dare condidici: mi optrudere non potes palpum. 945
PS. Vt ego accipiam te hodie lepide, ubi effeceris hoc opus, SIM. Ha ha hae.

PS. So may the gods favor me— SIM. They will not do so: you will now pour out sheer lies.
PS. How, on account of your perfidy, Simia, I love you and fear you and hold you in high esteem.
SIM. I have thoroughly learned to dole that out to others; you cannot obtrude flattery on me. 945
PS. How pleasantly I will receive you today, once you have brought this work to effect, SIM. Ha ha hae.

PS. Lepido victu, vino, unguentis et inter pocula pulpamentis;
ibidem una aderit mulier lepida, tibi savia super savia quae det.
SIM. Lepide accipis me. PS. Immo si efficies, tum faxo magis <id> dicas.
SIM. Nisi effecero, cruciabiliter carnifex me accipito. 950
sed propera mihi monstrare, ubi sit os lenonis aedium.

PS. With delightful fare, wine, unguents, and relishes amid the cups;
there in the same place a charming woman will be present too, to give you kisses upon kisses.
SIM. You entertain me charmingly. PS. Nay rather, if you carry it through, then I’ll make you say that even more.
SIM. Unless I accomplish it, let the executioner take me to torture. 950
but hurry to show me where the door of the pimp’s house is.

PS. Tertium hoc est. SIM. St, tace, aedes hiscunt. PS. Credo, animo malest
aedibus.

PS. This is the third. SIM. Hush, be silent, the doors yawn open. PS. I believe, it’s ill at heart
for the house.

SIM. Quid iam? PS. Quia edepol ipsum lenonem evomunt.
SIM. Illicinest?

SIM. What now? PS. Because, by Pollux, they are spewing out the pimp himself.
SIM. Is he in there?

PS. Illic est. SIM. Mala mercist *** PS. Illuc sis vide,
ut transversus, non proversus cedit, quasi cancer solet. 955

PS. There he is. SIM. Bad merchandise *** PS. Look over there, please,
how he goes sideways, not forward, as a crab is wont. 955

IV.ii
BALLIO Minus malum hunc hominem esse opinor quam esse censebam coquom,
nam nihil etiam dum harpagavit praeter cyathum et cantharum.
PS. Heus tu, nunc occasio est et tempus. SIM. Tecum sentio.

4.2
BALLIO I opine this man to be less bad than I was considering the cook to be,
for as yet he has filched nothing except a cyathus and a cantharus.
PS. Hey you, now is the occasion and the time. SIM. I agree with you.

PS. Ingredere in viam dolose: ego hic in insidiis ero.
SIM. Habui numerum sedulo: hoc est sextum a porta proxumum 960
angiportum, in id angiportum me devorti iusserat;
quotumas aedis dixerit, id ego admodum incerto scio.
BAL. Quis hic homo chlamydatus est aut unde est aut quem quaeritat?

PS. Proceed on the way guilefully: I will be here in ambush.
SIM. I have kept the tally diligently: this is the sixth alley from the gate, next-nearest 960
the alley—into that alley he had ordered me to turn aside;
which-number house he said, that I know very uncertainly.
BAL. Who is this chlamys-clad man, or whence is he, or whom is he seeking?

peregrina facies videtur hominis atque ignobilis.
SIM. Sed eccum qui ex incerto faciet mihi quod quaero certius. 965
BAL. Ad me adit recta. unde ego hominem hunc esse dicam gentium?

a foreign and ignoble appearance the man’s seems.
SIM. But look, here is one who will make what I seek more certain out of the uncertain. 965
BAL. He comes straight to me. From what nation am I to say this man is?

SIM. Heus tu, qui cum hirquina barba stas, responde quod rogo.
BAL. Eho, an non prius salutas? SIM. Nulla est mihi salus dataria.

SIM. Hey, you, who stand there with a hircine beard, answer what I ask.
BAL. Eh? Do you not first salute? SIM. I have no salute to give.

B. Nam pol hinc tantumdem accipies. PS. Iam inde a principio probe. 969-970
SIM. Ecquem in angiporto hoc hominem tu novisti? te rogo. 971
BAL. Egomet me. SIM. Pauci istuc faciunt homines quod tu praedicas,
nam in foro vix decumus quisque est qui ipsus sese noverit.

B. For, by Pollux, from here you will receive just as much. PS. Right from the beginning, good. 969-970
SIM. Hey, do you know any man in this alleyway? I ask you. 971
BAL. I myself, me. SIM. Few men do what you proclaim,
for in the forum scarcely one in ten is there who knows himself.

PS. Salvos sum, iam philosophatur. SIM. Hominem ego hic quaero malum,
legirupam, impurum, peiurum atque impium. BAL. Me quaeritat, 975
nam illa mea sunt cognomenta; nomen si memoret modo.

PS. I am safe; now he philosophizes. SIM. I am looking here for an evil man,
a law-breaker, impure, perjured, and impious. BAL. He’s looking for me, 975
for those are my cognomina; if only he would just mention the nomen.

quid est ei homini nomen? SIM. Leno Ballio. BAL. Scivin ego?

what is that man's name? SIM. the pimp Ballio. BAL. Didn't I know
it?

ipse ego is sum, adulescens, quem tu quaeris. SIM. Tune es Ballio?
BAL. Ego enim vero is sum.

I myself am the very one, adolescent, whom you seek. SIM. Are you Ballio?
BAL. Yes indeed, I am the very one.

SIM. Vt vestitu's, es perfossor parietum. 979-980
BAL. Credo, in tenebris, conspicatus si sis me, apstineas manum. 981
SIM. Erus meus tibi me salutem multam voluit dicere.
hanc epistulam accipe a me, hanc me tibi iussit dare.
BAL. Quis is homost qui iussit?

SIM. By your clothing, you are a perforator of walls. 979-980
BAL. I believe, in the darkness, if you had caught sight of me, you would stay your hand. 981
SIM. My master wished me to bid you much greeting.
take this letter from me; he ordered me to give this to you.
BAL. Who is the man who ordered it?

PS. Perii, nunc homo in medio lutost;
nomen nescit, haeret haec res. BAL. Quem hanc misisse ad me autumas? 985
SIM. Nosce imaginem: tute eius nomen memorato mihi,
ut sciam te Ballionem esse ipsum. BAL. Cedo mi epistulam.

PS. I'm ruined; now the fellow is in the middle of the mud;
he doesn't know the name; this business sticks fast. BAL. Who do you suppose sent this to me 985
SIM. Recognize the image: you yourself tell me his name,
so that I may know you to be Ballio himself. BAL. Hand over the letter to me.

SIM. Accipe et cognosce signum. BAL. Oh, Polymachaeroplagides
purus putus est ipsus. novi.

SIM. Take it and recognize the sign. BAL. Oh, Polymachaeroplagides—
the pure, genuine one himself. I know.

heus, Polymachaeroplagides
nomen est. SIM. Scio iam me recte tibi dedisse epistulam, 990
postquam Polymachaeroplagidem elocutus nomen es.
BAL. Quid agit is? SIM. Quod homo edepol fortis atque bellator probus.
sed propera hanc pellegere quaeso epistulam—ita negotium est—
atque accipere argentum actutum mulieremque emittere.

hey, Polymachaeroplagides
is the name. SIM. I know now that I handed the epistle to you correctly, 990
after you have spoken out the name Polymachaeroplagides.
BAL. How is he doing? SIM. What a man, by Pollux—brave and a worthy warrior.
but hurry to read through this epistle, please—such is the business—
and to receive the silver at once and to send out the woman.

nam necessest hodie Sicyoni me esse aut cras mortem exsequi, 995
ita erus meus est imperiosus. BAL. Novi, notis praedicas.
SIM. Propera pellegere epistulam ergo.

for it is necessary that today I be at Sicyon or tomorrow to undergo death, 995
so imperious is my master. BAL. I know; you preach to those who know.
SIM. Hurry to read through the letter, then.

BAL. Id ago, si taceas modo.
'miles lenoni Ballioni epistulam
conscriptam mittit Polymachaeroplagides,
imagine obsignatam quae inter nos duo 1000
convenit olim.' sumbolust in epistula.
[video, et cognosco signum.

BAL. I am doing that, if only you keep quiet.
'The soldier Polymachaeroplagides sends to the pimp Ballio an epistle
written, sealed with the image which between us two 1000
was once agreed.' There is a symbol in the letter.
[I see, and I recognize the sign.

sed in epistula
nullam salutem mittere scriptam solet?
SIM. Ita militaris disciplinast, Ballio:
manu salutem mittunt benevolentibus; 1005
eadem malam rem mittunt malevolentibus.
sed, ut occepisti, perge opera experirier
quid epistula ista narret.

but in the epistle
is he accustomed to send no greeting written?
SIM. Such is the military discipline, Ballio:
by hand they send greeting to the benevolent; 1005
the same they send a bad thing to the malevolent.
but, as you have begun, proceed to make trial
of what that epistle narrates.

BAL. Ausculta modo.]
'Harpax calator meus est, ad te qui venit—'
tun es is Harpax? SIM. Ego sum, atque ipse harpax quidem. 1010
BAL. 'Qui epistulam istam fert; ab eo argentum accipi,
cum eo simitu mulierem mitti volo.
salutem scriptam dignum est dignis mittere:
te si arbitrarem dignum, misissem tibi.'
SIM. Quid nunc?

BAL. Just listen.]
'Harpax is my calator, who has come to you—'
are you that Harpax? SIM. I am, and a snatcher indeed. 1010
BAL. 'He who carries that letter; from him receive the silver; with him at the same time I want the woman to be sent.
it is fitting to send a written salutation to the worthy:
if I considered you worthy, I would have sent it to you.'
SIM. What now?

BAL. Argentum des, abducas mulierem. 1015
SIM. Vter remoratur? BAL. Quin sequere ergo intro.— SIM. Sequor.—

BAL. Give the silver, and you may lead away the woman. 1015
SIM. Which one is delaying? BAL. Why not follow inside then.—
SIM.
I follow.—

IV.iii
PS. Peiorem ego hominem magisque vorsute malum
numquam edepol quemquam vidi, quam hic est Simia;
nimisque ego illum hominem metuo et formido male,
ne malus item erga me sit ut erga illum fuit,                 1020
ne in re secunda nunc mi obvertat cornua,
si occasionem capsit qui sit <mihi> malus;
atque edepol equidem nolo, nam illi bene volo.
nunc in metu sum maximo, triplici modo:                   1024-1025
primum omnium iam hunc comparem metuo meum,   1026
ne deserat med atque ad hostis transeat;
metuo autem, ne erus redeat etiam dum a foro,
ne capta praeda capti praedones fuant.
quom haec metuo, metuo ne ille huc Harpax advenat   1030
prius quam hinc hic Harpax abierit cum muliere.

IV.iii
PS. I, by Pollux, have never seen any man worse and more cunningly wicked than this Simia is;
and I exceedingly fear that man and dread him badly,
lest he likewise be bad toward me as he was toward that one,                 1020
lest now, in a favorable turn of affairs, he turn his horns against me,
if he seizes an opportunity to be bad to me;
and by Pollux I for my part do not want that, for I wish him well.
now I am in the greatest fear, in triple wise:                   1024-1025
first of all I fear that this associate of mine,   1026
may desert me and go over to the enemies;
and I fear besides, lest the master even now return from the forum,
lest, the booty having been seized, the robbers be seized.
while I fear these things, I fear lest that Harpax arrive here   1030
before this Harpax goes away from here with the woman.

perii hercle, nimium tarde egrediuntur foras.
cor conligatis vasis expectat meum,
si non educat mulierem secum simul, 1034-1035
ut exulatum ex pectore aufugiat meo. 1036
victor sum, vici cautos custodes meos.

I’m ruined, by Hercules, they’re coming out far too slowly.
my heart, with its vessels tied up, is waiting for me,
if he does not lead the woman out with him at once, 1034-1035
to flee into exile from my breast. 1036
I am victor; I have conquered my cautious custodians.

IV.iv
SIMIA Ne plora, nescis ut res sit, Phoenicium,
verum haud multo post faxo scibis accubans.
non ego te ad illum duco dentatum virum 1040
Macedoniensem, qui te nunc flentem facit:
cuiam esse te vis maxime, ad eum ducere:
Calidorum haud multo post faxo amplexabere.
PS. Quid tu intus quaeso desedisti quam diu?

IV.iv
SIMIA Do not weep; you do not know how the affair stands, Phoenicium,
but not much later I will make sure you know, as you recline (at table).
I am not leading you to that dentate man 1040
the Macedonian, who now makes you weep:
to whomever you most wish to belong, to him I will lead you:
I will make sure that before long you will be embracing Calidorus.
PS. Why, pray, did you sit inside for so long?

mihi cor retunsumst oppugnando pectore. 1045
SIM. Occasionem repperisti, verbero,
ubi perconteris me, insidiis hostilibus?
quin hinc metimur gradibus militariis?
PS. Atque edepol, quamquam nequam homo es, recte mones.

my heart is blunted from battering with my breast. 1045
SIM. You have found the occasion, you rogue,
to interrogate me with hostile ambushes?
why don’t we measure out from here in military paces?
PS. And, by Pollux, although you are a worthless fellow, you advise rightly.

1049-1050
ite hac triumphi ad cantharum recta via.— 1051

1049-1050
go this way to the tankard of triumph by the straight road.— 1051

IV.v
BALLIO Hahae, nunc demum mi animus in tuto est loco,
postquam iste hinc abiit atque abduxit mulierem.
iube nunc venire Pseudolum, scelerum caput,
et abducere a me mulierem fallaciis. 1055
conceptis hercle verbis, satis certo scio,
ego periurare me mavellem miliens,
quam mi illum verba per deridiculum dare.
nunc deridebo hercle hominem, si convenero;
verum in pistrino credo, ut convenit, fore. 1060
nunc ego Simonem mi obviam veniat velim,
ut mea laetitia laetus promiscam siet.

4.5
BALLIO Ha-ha! now at last my spirit is in a safe place,
after that fellow went away from here and led the woman off.
now order Pseudolus to come, the head of crimes,
and to lead the woman away from me by fallacies. 1055
with conceived words, by Hercules, I quite certainly know,
I would rather perjure myself a thousand times,
than have that man give me words in mockery.
now I, by Hercules, will mock the fellow, if I meet him;
but I believe he will be, as agreed, at the mill. 1060
now I would like Simon to come to meet me,
so that, glad, he may share in my gladness.

IV.vi
SIMO Viso quid rerum meus Vlixes egerit,
iamne habeat signum ex arce Ballionia.
BAL. O fortunate, cedo fortunatam manum, 1065
Simo. SIM. Quid est?

IV.vi
SIMO I will go see what business my Ulysses has accomplished, whether by now he has the sign from Ballio’s citadel.
BAL. O fortunate one, come, give me your fortunate hand, Simo. 1065
SIM. What is it?

BA. Iam— SIM. Quid iam? BAL. Nihil est quod
metuas. SIM. Quid est?

BA. Now— SIM. What now? BAL.
There is nothing
for you to fear. SIM. What is it?

venitne homo ad te? BAL. Non. SIM. Quid est igitur boni?
BAL. Minae viginti sanae et salvae sunt tibi,
hodie quas aps te est instipulatus Pseudolus.

Has the man come to you? BAL. No. SIM. What then is the good news?
BAL. The twenty minae are sound and safe for you,
which today Pseudolus has stipulated from you.

SIM. Velim quidem hercle. BAL. Roga me viginti minas, 1070
si ille hodie illa sit potitus muliere
sive eam tuo gnato hodie, ut promisit, dabit,
[roga opsecro hercle, gestio promittere.]
omnibus modis tibi esse rem ut salvam scias;
atque etiam habeto mulierem dono tibi. 1075
SIM. Nullum periclumst, quod sciam, stipularier,
ut concepisti verba: viginti minas
dabin? BAL. Dabuntur.

SIM. By Hercules, I would indeed wish it. BAL. Ask me for twenty minae, 1070
if that fellow today has possessed that woman,
or if he will give her today to your son, as he promised,
[ask, by Hercules I beg, I am eager to promise,]
that in every way you may know the matter to be safe for you;
and moreover have the woman as a gift to you. 1075
SIM. There is no peril, so far as I know, to stipulate,
as you have conceived the words: will you give twenty minae? BAL. They will be given.

SIM. Hoc quidem actumst hau male.
[sed convenistin hominem? BAL. Immo ambo simul.

SIM. This indeed has been done not badly.
[but did you meet the man? BAL. Rather, both together at once.

SIM. Quid ait? quid narrat? quaeso, quid dixit tibi? 1080
BAL. Nugas theatri, verba quae in comoediis
solent lenoni dici, quae pueri sciunt:
malum et scelestum et peiurum aibat esse me.
SIM. Pol hau mentitust.

SIM. What does he say? what does he narrate? I beg, what did he say to you? 1080
BAL. Theater trifles, words which in comedies are wont to be said to a pimp, which even boys know:
he said that I was an evil, wicked, and perjured man.
SIM. By Pollux, he did not lie.

BAL. Ergo haud iratus fui:
nam quanti refert ei nec recte dicere, 1085
qui nihili faciat quique infitias non eat?]
SIM. Quid est? quid non metuam ab eo? id audire expeto.
BAL. Quia numquam abducet mulierem iam, nec potest,
a me. meministin tibi me dudum dicere,
eam veniisse militi Macedonio? 1090
SIM. Memini.

BAL. Therefore I was not irate:
for how much does it matter to him not to speak rightly, 1085
who makes nothing of it and who does not deny it?]
SIM. What is it? What should I not fear from him? I desire to hear that.
BAL. Because he will never now lead the woman away, nor can he,
from me. Do you remember that I told you a short while ago,
that she had come to the Macedonian soldier? 1090
SIM. I remember.

BAL. Em illius servos huc ad me argentum attulit
et obsignatum sumbolum, SIM. Quid postea?
BAL. Qui inter me atque illum militem convenerat:
is secum abduxit mulierem hau multo prius.
SIM. Bonan fide istuc dicis?

BAL. See, that fellow’s servant brought the silver here to me
and the sealed token, SIM. What after that?
BAL. The one that had been agreed between me and that soldier:
he took the woman away with him not long before. SIM. Do you say that in good faith?

BAL. Vnde ea sit mihi? 1095
SIM. Vide modo, ne illic sit contechnatus quippiam.
BAL. Epistula atque imago me certum facit;
quin illam [quidem iam] in Sicyonem ex urbe abduxit modo.
SIM. Bene hercle factum.

BAL. Whence should she be mine? 1095
SIM. Only see to it, lest that fellow have concocted anything.
BAL. An epistle and an image make me certain; indeed he has [indeed now] just abducted her from the city to Sicyon.
SIM. Well, by Hercules, well done.

quid ego cesso Pseudolum
facere ut det nomen ad molas coloniam? 1100
sed quis hic homo est chlamydatus? BAL. Non edepol scio,
nisi ut observemus quo eat aut quam rem gerat.

why do I delay to make Pseudolus
give his name to the colony at the millstones? 1100
but who is this chlamys-clad man? BAL. By Pollux, I do not know,
except that we should observe where he goes or what business he carries on.

IV.vii
HARPAX Malus et nequam est homo qui nihili eri imperium sui servos facit,
nihilist autem suom qui officium facere immemor est, nisi est admonitus.
nam qui liberos [esse] ilico se arbitrantur, 1105
ex conspectu eri si sui se abdiderunt,
luxantur, lustrantur, comedunt quod habent, ei nomen diu
servitutis ferunt.
nec boni ingeni quicquam in is inest,
nisi ut improbis se artibus teneant.

4.7
HARPAX A bad and good-for-nothing man is he who makes his master's authority a nothing to his slaves,
and a nothing is his own (man) who, unmindful, does his duty only if he is admonished.
for those who straightway suppose themselves [to be] free, 1105
if they have hidden themselves from their master's sight,
they luxuriate, make the rounds, eat what they have, and they bear the name of servitude for a long time.
nor is there anything of good disposition in them,
except that they hold themselves by wicked arts.

~ 1110
cum his mihi nec locus
nec sermo convenit neque is umquam nobilis fui.
ego, ut mi imperatumst, etsi abest, hic adesse erum arbitror.
nunc ego illum metuo,
quom hic non adest, ne quom adsiet metuam.

~ 1110
with these men neither place
nor speech suits me, nor have I ever been known among them.
I, as it has been commanded to me, although he is absent, judge that the master is present here.
now I fear that man, when he is not here, lest when he is present I may fear.

ei rei operam dabo. 1115
nam in taberna usque adhuc, si veniret Syrus,
cui dedi sumbolum, mansi, uti iusserat:
leno ubi esset domi, me aibat arcessere;
verum ubi is non venit nec vocat,
venio huc ultro, ut sciam, quid rei sit, ne illic homo me ludificetur. 1120
neque quicquamst melius, quam ut hoc pultem atque aliquem evocem hinc intus.
leno argentum hoc volo
a me accipiat atque amittat mulierem mecum simul.

I will give effort to that matter. 1115
for in the tavern right up to now, if the Syrian should come,
to whom I gave the symbol-token, I stayed, as he had ordered:
when the pimp should be at home, he said he would summon me;
but since he has not come nor calls,
I come here of my own accord, to learn what the matter is, lest that fellow there make sport of me. 1120
nor is anything better than that I knock at this door and call someone out from inside here.
I want the pimp to receive this silver from me and to let the woman go with me at the same time.

BAL. Heus tu. SIM. Quid vis? BAL. Hic homo meus est. SIM. Quidum?

BAL. Hey, you. SIM. What do you want? BAL. This man is mine. SIM. How so?

BAL. Quia praeda haec meast:
scortum quaerit, habet argentum. iam admordere hunc mihi lubet. 1125
SIM. Iamne illum comessurus es? BAL. Dum recens est
dator, dum calet, devorari decet iam.
boni me viri pauperant, improbi augent;
poplo strenui, mi improbi usui sunt.

BAL. Because this booty is mine:
he’s looking for a harlot, he has silver. Now it pleases me to take a bite out of him. 1125
SIM. Are you already going to eat him up? BAL. While the giver is fresh, while he’s hot, it’s fitting he be devoured now.
good men make me poor, the wicked enrich me;
for the people the strenuous are useful, for me the wicked are of use.

SIM. Malum quod tibi di dabunt, sic scelestu's.        1130
HAR. Me nunc commoror, quom has foris non ferio, ut sciam,
sitne Ballio domi.                                                         1131a
BAL. Venus mi haec bona dat, quom hos huc adigit
lucrifugas, damnicupidos, qui se suamque aetatem bene curant,
edunt, bibunt, scortantur: illi sunt alio ingenio atque tu,
qui neque tibi bene esse patere et illis quibus est invides.      1135
HAR. Heus ubi estis vos? BAL. Hic quidem ad me recta habet rectam viam.
[H. Heus ubi estis vos?

SIM. May the evil that the gods give you be yours—so wicked you are.        1130
HAR. I tarry now, since I do not knock on these doors, to know,
whether Ballio is at home.                                                         1131a
BAL. Venus gives me these goods, when she drives hither
lucre-shunners, loss-lovers, who take good care of themselves and their lifetime,
they eat, they drink, they whore: they are of another nature than you,
who neither allow yourself to be well off and envy those for whom it goes well.      1135
HAR. Hey, where are you all? BAL. Here he indeed has a straight
straight road to me.
[H. Hey, where are you all?

B. Heus adulescens, quid istic debetur tibi?]
bene ego ab hoc praedatus ibo; novi, bona scaevast mihi.
HAR. Ecquis hoc aperit? BAL. Heus chlamydate, quid istic debetur tibi?

B. Hey, young man, what is owed to you there?]
I'll go off well, having plundered this fellow; I know, the left-omen is good for me.
HAR. Will anyone open this? BAL. Hey, you in the chlamys, what is owed to you there?

HAR. Aedium dominum lenonem Ballionem quaerito. 1140
BAL. Quisquis es, adulescens, operam fac compendi quaerere.
HAR. Quid iam? BAL. Quia tute ipsus ipsum praesens praesentem vides.

HAR. I am looking for the master of the house, the pimp Ballio. 1140
BAL. Whoever you are, young man, see to it that you seek a short-cut.
HAR. What now? BAL. Because you yourself, in person, see the very man present, before you.

HAR. Tune is es? SIM. Chlamydate, cave sis tibi a curvo infortunio
atque in hunc intende digitum: hic leno est. BAL. At hic est vir bonus.
sed, tu, bone vir, flagitare saepe clamore in foro, 1145
quom libella nusquamst, nisi quid leno hic subvenit tibi.

HAR. Are you that man? SIM. Chlamydate, beware, please, for yourself of a crooked misfortune,
and aim your finger at this man: this one is the leno. BAL. But this one is a good man.
but you, good man, to be dunning often with shouting in the forum, 1145
when a coin is nowhere, unless this leno here comes to your aid.

HAR. Quin tu mecum fabulare? BAL. Fabulor. quid vis tibi?

HAR. Why don’t you talk with me? BAL. I am talking. What do you want?

HAR. Argentum accipias. BAL. Iamdudum, si des, porrexi manum.
HAR. Accipe: hic sunt quinque argenti lectae numeratae minae.

HAR. Take the silver. BAL. For a long time now—if you’d give—I’ve held out my hand.
HAR. Take it: here are five selected, counted minae of silver.

hoc tibi erus me iussit ferre Polymachaeroplagides, 1150
quod deberet, atque ut mecum mitteres Phoenicium.
BAL. Erus tuos— HAR. Ita dico. BAL. Miles— HAR. Ita loquor.

this your master ordered me to bring to you, Polymachaeroplagides, 1150
what he owed, and that you send Phoenicium along with me.
BAL. Your master— HAR. So I say. BAL. A soldier— HAR. So I speak.

BAL.
Macedonius—
HAR. Admodum, inquam. BAL. Te ad me misit Polymachaeroplagides?
HAR. Vera memoras.

BAL.
A Macedonian—
HAR. Quite so, I say. BAL. Did Polymachaeroplagides send you to me?
HAR. You speak the truth.

BAL. Hoc argentum ut mihi dares? HAR. Si tu quidem es
leno Ballio. BAL. Atque ut a me mulierem tu abduceres? 1155
H. Ita.

BAL. That you might give me this silver? HAR. If indeed you are
the pimp Ballio. BAL. And that you were to lead the woman away from me? 1155
H. Yes.

B. Phoenicium esse dixit? H. Recte meministi. B. Mane.

B. Did he say it was Phoenicium? H. You remember rightly. B. Wait.

iam redeo ad te. HAR. At maturate propera, nam propero: vides
iam diem multum esse. BAL. Video: hunc advocare etiam volo;
mane modo istic, iam revertar ad te. quid nunc fit, Simo?
quid agimus?

I am now returning to you. HAR. But hasten, hurry, for I am hurrying: you see
now the day is much spent. BAL. I see: I also want to call this fellow;
only stay there, I will now return to you. What is happening now, Simo?
what do we do?

manufesto hunc hominem teneo, qui argentum attulit. 1160
SIM. Quidum? BAL. An nescis quae sit haec res? SIM. Iuxta cum ignarissimis.

I have this man caught red-handed, the one who brought the money. 1160
SIM. What then? BAL. Or do you not know what this matter is? SIM. On a par with the most ignorant.

BAL. Pseudolus tuos allegavit hunc, quasi a Macedonio
milite esset. SIM. Haben argentum ab homine? BAL. Rogitas quod vides?

BAL. Your Pseudolus dispatched this one, as if he were from a Macedonian
soldier. SIM. Have they the silver from the man? BAL. Do you ask
what you see?

SIM. Heus, memento ergo dimidium istinc mihi de praeda dare:
commune istuc esse oportet. BAL. Quid, malum? id totum tuom est. 1165
HAR. Quam mox mi operam das?

SIM. Hey, remember then to give me half from that booty: that ought to be common.
BAL. What, the devil? The whole of it is yours. 1165
HAR. How soon do you give me your service?

BAL. Tibi do equidem. quid nunc mi es
auctor, Simo?
SIM. Exploratorem hunc faciamus ludos suppositicium,
adeo donicum ipsus sese ludos fieri senserit.

BAL. I do give it to you indeed. What now are you to me
adviser, Simo?
SIM. Let us make this man a supposititious scout for sport,
even until he himself has perceived that he is being made sport of.

BAL. Sequere. quid ais? nempe tu illius servos es? HAR. Planissume.

BAL. Follow. What do you say? Surely you are that man’s slave? HAR. Plain as can be.

BAL. Quanti te emit? HAR. Suarum in pugna virium victoria. 1170
nam ego eram domi imperator summus in patria mea.
BAL. An etiam umquam ille expugnavit carcerem, patriam tuam?

BAL. For how much did he buy you? HAR. By the victory of his own forces in battle. 1170
for I was at home the supreme commander in my fatherland.
BAL. Or did he even ever take by storm a prison—your fatherland?

HAR. Contumeliam si dices, audies. BAL. Quotumo die
ex Sicyone huc pervenisti? HAR. Altero ad meridie.

HAR. If you speak contumely, you will hear it. BAL. On what day
did you arrive here from Sicyon? HAR. On the second, at midday.

BAL. Strenue mehercle iisti. SIM. Quamvis pernix hic est homo: 1175
ubi suram aspicias, scias posse eum—gerere crassas compedes.
BAL. Quid ais?

BAL. By Hercules, you went briskly. SIM. However nimble this man is: 1175
when you look at his calf, you would know that he can—wear thick fetters.
BAL. What do you say?

tune etiam cubitare solitu's in cunis puer?
SIM. Scilicet. BAL. Etiamne facere solitus es—scin quid loquar?

Were you even accustomed to lie in a cradle as a boy?
SIM. Of course. BAL. Were you also accustomed to do it—d’you know what I mean?

SIM. Scilicet solitum esse. HAR. Sanine estis? BAL. Quid hoc quod te rogo?

SIM. Of course, to have been accustomed. HAR. Are you sane? BAL. What about this that I ask you?

noctu in vigiliam quando ibat miles, quom tu ibas simul, 1180
conveniebatne in vaginam tuam machaera militis?
HAR. I in malam crucem. BAL. Ire licebit tamen tibi hodie temperi.

at night, when the soldier went to the watch, when you went along at the same time, 1180
did the soldier’s machaera fit into your vagina?
HAR. Go to an evil cross. BAL. All the same, you will be allowed to go early today.

HAR. Quin tu mulierem mi emittis, aut redde argentum. BAL. Mane.
HAR. Quid maneam?

HAR. Why don’t you send the woman out to me, or else give back the money? BAL. Wait.
HAR. Why should I wait?

BAL. Chlamydem hanc commemora quanti conductast. HAR.
Quid est?
SIM. Quid meret machaera?

BAL. Tell how much this cloak was hired for. HAR.
What is it?
SIM. What does the sword earn?

HAR. Elleborum hisce hominibus opus est. 1185
BAL. Eho.
HAR. Mitte. BAL. Quid mercedis petasus hodie domino demeret?

HAR. These men have need of hellebore. 1185
BAL. Hey.
HAR. Drop it. BAL. What pay would the hat earn today for its master?

HAR. Quid domino? quid somniatis? mea quidem haec habeo omnia,
meo peculio empta.

HAR. What master? what are you dreaming? I, for my part, have all these as mine, bought with my own peculium.

BAL. Nempe quod femina summa sustinent.
HAR. Vncti hi sunt senes, fricari sese ex antiquo volunt. 1189-1190
BAL. Responde, opsecro hercle, vero serio hoc quod te rogo: 1191
quid meres? quantillo argento te conduxit Pseudolus?

BAL. Why, the very thing which women bear on top.
HAR. These old men are anointed; they want to have themselves rubbed, from of old. 1189-1190
BAL. Answer, I beg by Hercules, truly, seriously, what I ask you: 1191
what do you earn? For how small an amount of silver did Pseudolus hire you?

HAR. Quis istic Pseudolust? BAL. Praeceptor tuos, qui te hanc fallaciam
docuit, ut fallaciis hinc mulierem a me abduceres.
HAR. Quem tu Pseudolum, quas tu mihi praedicas fallacias? 1195
quem ego hominem ~ nullius coloris novi.

HAR. Who is that Pseudolus there? BAL. Your preceptor, who taught you this trick
so that by fallacies you might lead the woman away from me from here.
HAR. Which Pseudolus do you mean, what fallacies are you proclaiming to me? 1195
a man whom I know of no color at all.

BAL. Non tu istinc abis?
nihil est hodie hic sucophantis quaestus: proin tu Pseudolo
nunties abduxisse alium praedam, qui occurrit prior
Harpax. HAR. Is quidem edepol Harpax ego sum.

BAL. Won’t you be off from there?
there is no profit today here for sycophants: therefore announce to Pseudolus
that another, Harpax, who got there first, has carried off the prey.
HAR. By Pollux, that Harpax indeed am I.

BAL. Immo edepol esse vis.
purus putus hic sucophanta est. HAR. Ego tibi argentum dedi 1200
et dudum, adveniens extemplo, sumbolum servo tuo,
eri imagine obsignatam epistulam, hic ante ostium.

BAL. Nay, by Pollux, you want to be.
a pure, sheer sycophant this one is. HAR. I gave you the silver 1200
and, just now, on arriving straightaway, the token to your slave,
an epistle sealed with my master’s image, here before the door.

BAL. Meo tu epistulam dedisti servo? quoi servo? HAR. Suro.

BAL. Did you give a letter to my slave? To which slave? HAR. Suro.

BAL. Non confidit sycophanta hic [nequam est] nugis: meditatus malest.
[edepol hominem verberonem Pseudolum, ut docte dolum           1205
commentust: tantundem argenti quantum miles debuit
dedit huic atque hominem exornavit, mulierem qui abduceret.]
nam illam epistulam ipsus verus Harpax huc ad me attulit.
HAR. Harpax ego vocor, ego servos sum Macedonis militis;     1209-1210
ego nec sycophantiose quicquam ago nec malefice,                      1211
neque istum Pseudolum mortalis qui sit novi neque scio.

BAL. This sycophant here [he is good-for-nothing] does not put confidence in trifles: he has premeditated mischief.
[By Pollux, that flog-worthy fellow Pseudolus, how cleverly he has devised a trick:           1205
he has contrived it: just as much silver as the soldier owed
he gave to this man and equipped a fellow to carry off the woman.]
for that letter the true Harpax himself brought here to me.
HAR. I am called Harpax, I am the slave of the Macedonian soldier;     1209-1210
I neither do anything sycophantically nor maliciously,                      1211
nor do I know who that Pseudolus is among mortals, nor am I acquainted with him.

SIM. Tu, nisi mirumst, leno, plane perdidisti mulierem.
BAL. Edepol ne istuc magis magisque metuo, quom verba audio.
mihi quoque edepol iamdudum ille Surus cor perfrigefacit, 1215
sumbolum qui ab hoc accepit.

SIM. You, unless it’s a marvel, pimp, have plainly lost the woman.
BAL. By Pollux, I fear that more and more, when I hear these words.
By Pollux, that Surus too has long since chilled my heart, 1215
who received the token from this man.

mira sunt ni Pseudolust.
eho tu, qua facie fuit, dudum quoi dedisti sumbolum?
HAR. Rufus quidam, ventriosus, crassis suris, subniger,
magno capite, acutis oculis, ore rubicundo, admodum
magnis pedibus.

I would be amazed if it were not Pseudolus.
Hey you, of what appearance was he, to whom you just now gave the symbol‑token?
HAR. A certain red‑haired fellow, pot‑bellied, with thick calves, dusky‑brown,
with a large head, sharp eyes, a ruddy face, and very
large feet.

BAL. Perdidisti, postquam dixisti pedes. 1220
Pseudolus fuit ipsus. actumst de me. iam morior, Simo.
HAR. Hercle te hau sinam emoriri, nisi mi argentum redditur,
viginti minae.

BAL. You gave it away, once you said “feet.” 1220
Pseudolus it was himself. I’m done for. Now I die, Simo.
HAR. By Hercules, I won’t allow you to die out, unless the silver is returned to me—twenty minas.

SIM. Atque etiam mihi aliae viginti minae.
BAL. Auferen tu id praemium a me, quod promisi per iocum?
SIM. De improbis viris auferri praemium et praedam decet. 1225
BAL. Saltem Pseudolum mihi dedas.

SIM. And also for me another twenty minas.
BAL. Will you take away from me that premium which I promised in jest?
SIM. From wicked men it is fitting that the premium and the prey be taken away. 1225
BAL. At least hand over Pseudolus to me.

SIM. Pseudolum ego dedam tibi?
quid deliquit? dixin, ab eo tibi ut caveres, centiens?

SIM. Shall I hand over Pseudolus
to you?
What offense has he committed? Didn’t I tell you to beware of him a hundred times?

BAL. Perdidit me. SIM. At me viginti modicis multavit minis.
BAL. Quid nunc faciam? HAR. Si mi argentum dederis, te suspendito.

BAL. He has ruined me. SIM. But me he has mulcted in twenty modest minae.
BAL. What am I to do now? HAR. If you give me the silver, hang yourself.

BAL. Di te perdant. sequere sis me ergo hac ad forum, ut solvam. 1230
HAR. Sequor.
SIM. Quid ego?

BAL. May the gods destroy you. follow me, please, this way to the forum, so that I may pay. 1230
HAR. I follow.
SIM. What about me?

BAL. Peregrinos absolvam, cras agam cum civibus.
Pseudolus mihi centuriata habuit capitis comitia,
qui illum ad me hodie adlegavit, mulierem qui abduceret.
sequere tu. nunc ne expectetis, dum hac domum redeam via;
ita res gestast: angiporta haec certum est consectarier. 1235
HAR. Si graderere tantum quantum loquere, iam esses ad forum.—
BAL. Certumst mi hunc emortualem facere ex natali die.—

BAL. I will absolve the foreigners; tomorrow I will plead with
the citizens. Pseudolus has held for me a centuriate assembly for a capital matter,
he who today attached that fellow to me, to abduct the woman.
you follow. Now do not wait until I return home by this way;
such is how the affair has gone: it is certain to pursue through these alley-ways. 1235
HAR. If you walked as much as you talk, you’d already be at the forum.—
BAL. It’s fixed for me to make this man dead from his natal day.—

IV.viii
SIM. Bene ego illum tetigi, bene autem servos inimicum suom.
nunc mihi certum est alio pacto Pseudolo insidias dare,
quam in aliis comoediis fit, ubi cum stimulis aut flagris 1240
insidiantur: at ego iam intus promam viginti minas,
quas promisi si effecisset; obviam ei ultro deferam.
nimis illic mortalis doctus, nimis vorsutus, nimis malus;
superavit dolum Troianum atque Vlixem Pseudolus.

4.8
SIM. Well I have touched him, and well too the slave, his own enemy.
now it is fixed for me to lay ambushes for Pseudolus by another method,
than is done in other comedies, where with goads or whips 1240
they lie in ambush: but I will now bring out from inside twenty minas,
which I promised if he should have effected it; I will carry them to meet him unbidden.
too learned that mortal, too shrewd, too wicked;
Pseudolus has surpassed the Trojan stratagem and Ulysses.

nunc ibo intro, argentum promam, Pseudolo insidias dabo.— 1245

now I will go inside, I will bring out the silver, I will set an ambush for Pseudolus.— 1245

ACTVS V

ACT 5

V.i
PSEVDOLVS Quid hoc? sicine hoc fit, pedes? statin an non?

V.i
PSEUDOLUS What’s this? Is this how it’s done, feet? At once or not?

an id voltis, ut me hinc iacentem aliquis tollat?
nam hercle si cecidero, vestrum erit flagitium.
pergitin pergere?

or is that your wish, that someone lift me up from here as I lie?
for, by Hercules, if I fall, the disgrace will be yours.
do you proceed to proceed?

ah, serviendum mihi
hodie est; magnum hoc vitium vino est: 1250
pedes captat primum, luctator dolosust.
profecto edepol ego nunc probe habeo madulsam:
ita victu excurato, ita magnis munditiis <et> dis dignis,
itaque in loco festivo sumus festive accepti.
quid opust me multas agere ambages?

ah, I must serve
today; this is a great vice in wine: 1250
it catches the feet first—the wrestler is crafty.
indeed, by Pollux, I’m now good and tipsy:
so with the victuals cared for, so with great niceties worthy of the gods,
and so in a festive place we have been festively received.
what need is there for me to make many circumlocutions?

hoc     1255
est homini quam ob rem vitam amet,
hic omnes voluptates, in hoc omnes venustates sunt:
deis proximum esse arbitror.
nam ubi amans complexust amantem, ubi ad labra labella adiungit,
ubi alter alterum bilingui manifesto inter se prehendunt,        1260
ubi mammam mammicula opprimit aut, si lubet, corpora conduplicantur,
manu candida cantharum dulciferum propinat amicissima amico:
ibi iam neque esse alium alii odiosum
nec molestum nec sermonibus morologis uti,
unguenta atque odores, lemniscos, corollas        1265
dari dapsiles, non enim parce promi,
victum ceterum ne quis me roget:
hoc ego modo atque erus minor hunc diem sumpsimus prothyme,
postquam opus meum omne ut volui perpetravi hostibus fugatis.   1269-1270
illos accubantis, potantis, amantis                      1271
cum scortis reliqui, et meum scortum ibidem,
suo cordi atque animo opsequentes. sed postquam     1272a
exurrexi, orant med ut saltem.

this     1255
is why a man should love life:
here are all the pleasures, in this are all the charms;
I deem it to be next proximate to the gods.
for when a lover has embraced the beloved, when he joins little lips to lips,
when the one and the other manifestly seize each other with a bilingual (two‑tongued) kiss,        1260
when a little breast presses a breast, or, if it pleases, bodies are doubled together,
with a candid hand the dearest girl proffers a sweet‑bearing cantharus to her friend:
there then neither is one odious to another
nor troublesome, nor do they use morologic speeches,
unguents and odors, lemnisks, corollas        1265
are given bountifully, for they are not dispensed sparingly;
as for the victuals besides, let no one ask me:
in this fashion I and the younger master have spent this day with good will,
after I carried through all my task as I wished, the foes put to flight.   1269-1270
I left them reclining, drinking, loving                      1271
with their courtesans, and my courtesan in the same place,
obsequious to their own heart and spirit. But after     1272a
I got up, they beg me that at least…

ad hunc me modum intuli illis satis facete,
nimis ex discipulina, quippe ego qui                           1274a
probe Ionica perdidici. sed palliolatim amictus
sic haec incessi ludibundus.                                        1275a
plaudunt <et> 'parum' clamitant mi, ut revertar.
occepi denuo, hoc modo: nolui
idem; amicae dabam me meae,                                    1277a
ut me amaret: ubi circumvortor, cado:
id fuit naenia ludo.                                                      1278a
itaque dum enitor, prox, iam paene inquinavi pallium.

to this manner I delivered myself to them quite facetiously,
exceedingly according to discipline, since I, who                           1274a
have thoroughly learned the Ionics. But, wrapped in a little pallium,
thus at these things I advanced, playing.                                        1275a
they applaud and shout to me ‘too little,’ that I should return.
I began anew, in this way: I did not want
the same; I was yielding myself to my girlfriend,                                    1277a
so that she might love me: when I wheel around, I fall:
that was the dirge to the play.                                                      1278a
and so, while I was straining, by a near thing, I almost befouled my pallium.

nimiae tum voluptati edepol
fui ob casum. datur cantharus: bibi. 1280a
commuto ilico pallium, illud posivi;
inde huc exii, crapulam dum amoverem.
nunc ab ero ad erum meum maiorem venio foedus commemoratum.

by Pollux, then I was for excessive delight
on account of the mishap. a cantharus is given: I drank. 1280a
I at once change the pallium; I put that one down;
from there I went out hither, while I was removing crapulence.
now I come from my master to my greater master, the pact to be commemorated.

aperite, aperite, heus, Simoni me adesse aliquis nuntiate.

open, open, hey, someone announce to Simon that I am present.

V.ii
SIMO Vox viri pessumi me exciet foras. 1285
sed quid hoc? quo modo? quid video ego?

5.2
SIMO The voice of the worst man excites me out-of-doors. 1285
But what is this? how so? what do I see?

PS. Cum corona ebrium Pseudolum tuom.
SIM. Libere hercle hoc quidem. sed vide statum.

PS. With a crown, your Pseudolus, drunk.
SIM. Free-and-easy, by Hercules, this indeed; but look at the state.

num mea gratia pertimescit magis?
cogito, saeviter blanditerne adloquar. 1290
sed me hoc votat vim facere nunc
quod fero, si qua in hoc spes sitast mihi.
PS. Vir malus viro optumo obviam it.
SIM. Di te ament, Pseudole.

Is he perhaps more in dread of my favor?
I consider whether I shall address him savagely or blandly. 1290
but this bids me to do violence now—what I bear—
if any hope is set in this for me.
PS. A wicked man goes to meet a most excellent man.
SIM. May the gods love you, Pseudolus.

fu i in malam crucem.
PS. Cur ego adflictor? SIM. Quid tu, malum, in os igitur mi ebrius inructas? 1295
PS. Molliter sic tene me, cave ne cadam:
non vides me ut madide madeam?

fie, go hang yourself.
PS. Why am I being knocked about? SIM. What, you wretch, do you then belch, drunk, into my face? 1295
PS. Hold me gently like this, mind I don’t fall:
don’t you see how soaking‑soaked I am?

SIM. Quae istaec audaciast, te sic interdius
cum corolla ebrium incedere? PS. Lubet.
SIM. Quid, lubet?

SIM. What audacity is this, for you thus in the daytime
to proceed inebriate with a coronet? PS. It pleases me.
SIM. What, it pleases you?

pergin ructare in os mihi? 1300
PS. Suavis ructus mihi est. sic sine, Simo.
SIM. Credo equidem potesse te, scelus,
Massici montis uberrumos quattuor
fructus ebibere in hora una.

Do you keep eructating into my face? 1300
PS. Sweet is the eructation to me. Let it be so, Simo.
SIM. I indeed believe you could, you scoundrel,
drain the four most bounteous fruits of Mount Massicus in a single hour.

PS. Hiberna addito.
SIM. Hau male mones, sed dic tamen, 1305
unde onustam celocem agere te praedicem?
PS. Cum tuo filio perpotavi modo.

PS. Add Iberian besides.
SIM. Not badly you advise, but tell nevertheless, 1305
from where am I to proclaim that you are steering a laden celox (swift-boat)?
PS. I have just caroused to the full with your son.

sed, Simo, ut probe tactus Ballio est!
quae tibi dixi, ut effecta reddidi!
SIM. Pessumu's homo.

but, Simo, how thoroughly Ballio has been handled!
the things I told you, how I rendered them effected!
SIM. You're the worst man.

PS. Mulier haec facit. 1310
cum tuo filio libera accubat.
SIM. Omnia, ut quicque egisti, ordine scio.
PS. Quid ergo dubitas dare mi argentum?

PS. This woman is doing this. 1310
she, as a freewoman, lies with your son.
SIM. I know everything, in order, just as you did each thing.
PS. Why then do you hesitate to give me the silver?

SIM. Ius petis, fateor. tene.
PS. At negabas daturum esse te mihi.

SIM. You ask what is due, I admit it. Take it.
PS. But you were denying that you would give it to me.

onera hunc hominem atque me consequere hac. SIM. Egone istum onerem? 1315
PS. Onerabis, scio.
SIM. Quid ego huic homini faciam?

Load this man and follow me this way. SIM. I? Shall I burden that one? 1315
PS. You will burden him, I know.
SIM. What am I to do to this man?

satin ultro et argentum aufert et me inridet?
PS. Vae victis. SIM. Vorte ergo umerum.

Is it really, into the bargain, that he carries off the silver and derides me?
PS. Woe to the conquered. SIM. Then turn your shoulder.

PS. Em. SIM. Hoc ego numquam ratus sum
fore me, ut tibi fierem supplex.
heu heu heu. PS. Desine.

PS. There. SIM. I never thought this would be—that I should become a suppliant to you.
that I should become a suppliant to you.
alas, alas, alas. PS. Stop.

SIM. Doleo. PS. Ni doleres tu, ego dolerem. 1320
SIM. Quid? hoc auferen, Pseudole mi, aps tuo ero?

SIM. I hurt. PS. If you were not hurting, I would be hurting. 1320
SIM. What? Am I to take this away, my Pseudolus, from your master?

PS. Lubentissimo corde
atque animo.
SIM. Non audes, quaeso, aliquam partem mihi gratiam facere hinc argenti?
PS. Non: me dices avidum esse hominem nam hinc numquam eris nummo divitior;
neque te mei tergi misereret, si hoc non hodie ecfecissem.

PS. With the most willing heart
and mind.
SIM. Will you not, I pray, do me the favor of some part of this
silver?
PS. No: you’ll say I am a greedy man, for from this you will never be
richer by a coin;
nor would you have pity on my hide, if I had not accomplished this today.

SIM. Erit ubi te ulciscar, si vivo. PS. Quid minitare? habeo tergum. 1325
SIM. Age sane igitur.

SIM. There will be a time to avenge myself on you, if I live. PS. Why threaten? I have a back. 1325
SIM. Go on then, by all means.

PS. Redi. SIM. Quid redeam? PS. Redi modo: non
eris deceptus.

PS. Come back. SIM. Why should I come back? PS.
Just come back: you will not
be deceived.

SIM. Redeo. PS. Simul mecum <i> potatum. SIM. Egone eam?

SIM. I’m coming back. PS. Together with me, <i> to drink. SIM. Am I to go?

PS. Fac quod
te iubeo:
si is, aut dimidium aut plus etiam faxo hinc feres. SIM. Eo, duc me quo vis.
PS. Quid nunc?

PS. Do what
I order you:
if you go, I’ll make sure you carry off from here either half, or even more. SIM. I go; lead me where you wish.
PS. What now?

numquid iratus es aut mihi aut filio propter has res, Simo?
SIM. Nil profecto. PS. I hac.

Are you at all angry either with me or with your son on account of these matters, Simo?
SIM. Not at all, assuredly. PS. Go this way.

BAL. Te sequor. quin vocas spectatores simul? 1330
PS. Hercle me isti hau solent
vocare, neque ergo ego istos;
verum si voltis adplaudere atque adprobare
hunc gregem et fabulam,
in crastinum vos vocabo.

BAL. I follow you. Why don’t you call the spectators as well? 1330
PS. By Hercules, those fellows are not wont
to call me, nor therefore do I call them;
but if you wish to applaud and approve
this troupe and play,
I will call you for tomorrow.