Historia Augusta: Elagabalus

I. 1 Vitam Heliogabali Antonini, qui Varius etiam dictus est, numquam in litteras misissem, ne quis fuisse Romanorum principem sciret, nisi ante Caligulas et Nerones et Vitellios hoc idem habuisset imperium. 2 Sed cum eadem terra et venera ferat et frumentum atque alia salutaria, eadem serpentes et cicures, conpensationem sibi lector diligens faciet, cum legerit Augustum, Traianum, Vespasianum, Hadrianum, Pium, Titum, Marcum contra hos prodigiosos tyrannos. 3 Simul intelleget Romanorum iudicia, quod illi et diu imperarunt et exitu naturali functi sunt, hi vero interfecti, tracti, tyranni etiam appellati, quorum nec nomina libet dicere.

1. 1 I would never have sent the Life of Heliogabalus Antoninus, who is also called Varius, into letters, lest anyone know that he had been a princeps of the Romans, unless before this the same imperium had been held by Caligulas and Nerones and Vitellii. 2 But since the same earth bears both poisons and grain and other salutary things, the same [also bears] serpents and tame creatures, a diligent reader will make compensation for himself when he shall have read Augustus, Trajan, Vespasian, Hadrian, Pius, Titus, Marcus in counterpoise to these prodigious tyrants. 3 At the same time he will understand the judgments of the Romans, namely that those men both ruled for a long time and were carried out by a natural exit, but these, on the contrary, were slain, dragged about, even called tyrants—whose very names I care not to speak.

4 Igitur occiso Macrino eiusque filio Diadumeno, qui pari potestate imperii Antonini etiam nomen acceperat, in Varium Heliogabalum imperium conlatum est, idcirco quod Bassiani filius diceretur. 5 Fuit autem Heliogabali vel Iovis vel Solis sacerdos atque Antonini sibi nomen adsciverat vel in argumentum generis vel quod id nomen usque adeo carum esse cognoverat gentibus, ut etiam parricida Bassianus causa nominis amretur. 6 Et hic quidem prius dictus est Varius, post Heliogabalus a sacerdotio dei Heliogabali, cui templum Romae in eo loco constituit, in quo prius aedes Orci fuit, quem e Suria secum advexit.

4 Therefore, with Macrinus and his son Diadumenus slain—who, with an equal power of the imperium, had also received the name Antoninus—the imperial power (imperium) was conferred upon Varius Heliogabalus, for this reason: because he was said to be the son of Bassianus. 5 Moreover, Heliogabalus was a priest of Heliogabalus or of Jove or of Sol, and he had assumed for himself the name Antoninus either as an argument for his lineage or because he had learned that that name was so dear to the nations, that even the parricide Bassianus was loved on account of the name. 6 And this man indeed was earlier called Varius, later Heliogabalus from the priesthood of the god Heliogabalus, to whom he established a temple at Rome in the place in which previously there had been the temple of Orcus, whom he brought with him from Syria.

7 Postremo cum accepit imperium, Antoninus appellatus est atque ipse in Romano imperio ultimus Antoninorum fuit.

7 At last, when he received the imperium, he was appellated Antoninus, and he himself was, in the Roman empire, the last of the Antonines.

II. 1 Hic tantum Symiamirae matri deditus fuit, ut sine illius voluntate nihil in re p. faceret, cum ipsa meretricio more vivens in aula omnia turpia exerceret, Antonino autem Caracallo stupro cognita, ita ut hic vel Varius vel Heliogabalus vulgo conceptus putaretur; 2 et aiunt quidam Varii etiam nomen idcirco eidem inditum a condiscipulis, quod vario semine, de meretrice utpote, conceptus videretur. 3 Hic fertur occiso Macrini factione patre, ut dicebatur, Antonino in templum dei Heliogabali confugisse, velut in asylum, ne interficeretur a Macrino, qui saevissime cum filio luxurioso et crudeli exercuit imperium. 4 Sed de nomine hactenus, quamvis sanctum illud Antoninorum nomen polluerit, quod tu, Constantine sacratissime, ita veneraris, ut Marcum et Pium inter Constantios Claudiosque, velut maiores tuos, aureos formaveris adoptans virtutes veterum tuis moribus congruentes et tibi amicas caras.

II. 1 He was so devoted to his mother Symiamira that he did nothing in public affairs without her will, though she herself, living in the palace in a meretricious manner, practiced all shameful things, having been carnally known by Antoninus Caracalla, so that this man was thought to have been promiscuously conceived, whether by Varius or by Heliogabalus; 2 and some say that even the name Varius was therefore given to him by his schoolmates, because he seemed conceived from “varied” seed, as from a harlot. 3 He is reported, his father having been slain by the faction of Macrinus, as it was said, to have fled into the temple of the god Heliogabalus, as into an asylum, lest he be killed by Macrinus, who, together with his son, a luxurious and cruel man, exercised the imperium most savagely. 4 But so much for the name, although he profaned that sacred name of the Antonini, which you, Constantine most sacred, so revere that you have struck gold pieces for Marcus and Pius among the Constantii and the Claudii, as if your ancestors, adopting the virtues of the ancients, congruent with your own morals and dear and friendly to you.

III. 1 Sed ut Antoninum Varium revertamur, nanctus imperium Romam nunctios misit; excitatisque omnibus ordinibus, omni etiam populo ad nomen Antoninum, quod non solum titulo, ut in Diadumeno fuerat, sed etiam in sanguine redditum videbatur, cum se Antonini Bassiani filium scripsisset, ingens eius desiderium factum est. 2 Erat praeterea etiam rumor, qui novis post tyrannos solet donari principibus, qui nisi ex summis virtutibus non permanet et quem multi mediocres principes amiserunt.

III. 1 But, to return to Antoninus Varius, having obtained the imperium he sent messengers to Rome; and with all the orders stirred up, and even the whole people, at the name “Antoninus”—which seemed restored not only in title, as it had been in Diadumenus, but also in blood, since he had written that he was the son of Antoninus Bassianus—a vast desire for him arose. 2 Moreover there was also a rumor, which is wont to be bestowed upon new princes after tyrants, which does not persist unless from the highest virtues, and which many mediocre princes have lost.

3 Denique ubi in senatu lectae sunt litterae Heliogabali, statim fausta in Antoninum et dira in Macrinum eiusque filium dicta sunt, appellatusque Antoninus princeps volentibus cunctis et studiose credentibus, ut sese habent vota hominum ad credulitatem festinantium, cum, quod optant, verum esse desiderant. 4 Sed ubi primum ingressus est urbem, omissis, quae in provincia gerebantur, Heliogabalum in Palatino monte iuxta aedes imperatorias consecravit eique templum fecit, studens et Matris typum et Vestae ignem et Palladium et ancilia et omnia Romanis veneranda in illud transferre templum et id agens, ne quis Romae deus nisi Heliogabalus coleretur. 5 Dicebat praeterea Iudaeorum et Samaritanorum religiones et Christianam devotionem illuc transferendam, ut omnium culturarum secretum Heliogabali sacerdotium teneret.

3 Finally, when the letters of Heliogabalus were read in the senate, at once auspicious words were spoken for Antoninus and dire ones against Macrinus and his son, and Antoninus was hailed as princeps with all consenting and zealously believing, as the wishes of men are disposed toward the credulity of those who hasten, since they desire that what they wish be true. 4 But when first he entered the city, setting aside the matters that were being transacted in the province, he consecrated Heliogabalus on the Palatine hill next to the imperial residences and made him a temple, striving to transfer into that temple the image of the Mother, the fire of Vesta, the Palladium, the ancilia, and all things venerable to Romans, and aiming that no god in Rome be worshiped except Heliogabalus. 5 He said, moreover, that the religions of the Jews and Samaritans and the Christian devotion ought to be transferred thither, so that the priesthood of Heliogabalus might hold the sanctuary of all cults.

IV. 1 Deinde ubi primum diem senatus habuit, matrem suam in senatum rogari iussit. 2 Quae cum venisset, vocata ad consulum subsellia scribendo adfuit, id est senatus consulti conficiendi testis, solusque omnium imperatorum fuit, sub quo mulier quasi clarissima loco viri senatum ingressa est. 3 Fecit et in colle Quirinali senaculum, id est mulierum senatum, in quo ante fuerat conventus matronalis, solemnibus dum taxat diebas et si umquam aliqua matrona consularis coniugii ornamentis esset donata, quod veteres imperatores adfinibus detulerunt et his maxime, quae nobilitatos maritos non habuerant, ne innobilitate remanerent.

4. 1 Then, when the senate first held a session, he ordered that his mother be asked into the senate. 2 When she had come, summoned to the consuls’ benches, she was present for the writing—that is, as a witness for the drawing up of the senatus consultum—and he was the only one of all emperors under whom a woman, as if most illustrious, entered the senate in a man’s place. 3 He also made on the Quirinal hill a senaculum, that is, a women’s senate, in which previously there had been a matrons’ assembly, only on solemn days, and whenever any matron had ever been endowed with the ornaments of consular wedlock; which the former emperors conferred upon relatives by marriage, and especially upon those who had not had ennobled husbands, lest they remain in non-nobility.

4 Sub Symiamira facta sunt senatus consulta ridicula de legibus matronalibus: quae quo vestitu incederet, quae cui cederet, quae ad cuius osculum veniret, quae pilento, quae equo, quae sagmario, quae asino veheretur, quae carpento mulari, quae bovum, quae sella veheretur et utrum pellicia an ossea an eborata an argentata, et quae aurum vel gemmas in calciamentis haberent.

4 Under Symiamira there were laughable decrees of the senate about matronal laws: who should proceed in which attire, who should yield to whom, who should come to whose kiss, who should be carried in a pilentum, who on a horse, who on a pack-animal, who on a donkey, who should be conveyed in a mule-drawn carpentum, who in an ox-drawn one, who in a chair—and whether furred, or of bone, or ivory-plated, or silvered—and who might have gold or gems in their footwear.

V. 1 Ergo cum hibernasset Nicomediae atque omnia sordide ageret inireturque a viris et subaret, statim milites facti sui paenituit, quod in Macrinum conspiraverant, ut hunc principem facerent, atque in consobrinum eiusdem Heliogabali Alexandrum, quem Caesarem senatus Macrino interempto appellaverat, inclinavere animos. 2 Quis enim ferre posset principem [qui] per cuncta cava corporis libidinem recipientem, cum ne beluam quidem talem quisquam ferat? 3 Romae denique nihil egit aliud, nisi ut emissarios haberet, qui ei bene vasatos perquirerent eosque ad aulam perducerent, ut eorum conditionibus frui posset.

5. 1 Therefore, when he had wintered at Nicomedia and was conducting everything sordidly, and was being entered by men and submitting, straightway the soldiers repented of their deed—namely, that they had conspired against Macrinus to make this man emperor—and they inclined their minds toward the cousin of that same Heliogabalus, Alexander, whom the senate, with Macrinus slain, had named Caesar. 2 For who could endure a princeps receiving lust through all the hollows of the body, since not even a beast of such a kind would anyone endure? 3 At Rome, finally, he did nothing else, except to have emissaries who would search out for him those well-equipped and lead them to the court, so that he might enjoy their endowments.

4 Agebat praeterea domi fabulam Paridis ipse Veneris personam subiens, ita ut subito vestes ad pedes defluerent, nudusque una manu ad mammam altera pudendis adhibita ingenicularet posterioribus eminentibus in subactorem reiectis et oppositis. 5 Vultum praeterea eodem quo Venus pingitur, schemate figurabat corpore toto expolitus eum fructum vitae praecipuum existimans, si dignus atque aptus libidini plurimorum videretur.

4 He furthermore at home acted the fable of Paris, himself assuming the person of Venus, in such a way that suddenly his garments would flow down to his feet, and, naked, he would genuflect, with one hand applied to his breast, the other to his pudenda, his hinder parts prominent, thrown back and presented to his subduer and assailant. 5 Moreover he fashioned his countenance in the same schema in which Venus is painted, being polished over his whole body, deeming this the principal fruit of life, if he should seem worthy and apt for the libido of very many.

VI. 1 Vendidit et honores et dignitates et potestates tam per se quam per omnes servos ac libidinum ministros. 2 In senatum legit sine discrimine aetatis, census, generis pecuniae merito, militaribus etiam praeposituris et tribunatibus et legationibus et ducatibus venditis, etiam procurationibus et Palatinis officiis. 3 Aurigas Protogenen et Cordium primo in certamine curruli socios.

6. 1 He sold both honors and dignities and powers, as much by himself as through all his slaves and ministers of his lusts. 2 He enrolled into the senate without discrimination of age, census, birth, by the merit of money, with even military commanderships and tribunates and legations and generalships sold, as well as procuratorships and Palatine offices. 3 The charioteers Protogenes and Cordius he had as partners in the first contest of the curricle.

post in omni vita et actu participes habuit. 4 Multos, quorum corpora placuerant, de scena et circo et harena in aulam traduxit. 5 Hieroclen vero sic amavit, ut eidem inguina oscularetur, quod dictu etiam inverecundum est, Floralia sacra se adserens celebrare.

afterwards he had them as partners in his whole life and conduct. 4 Many, whose bodies had pleased him, he led from the stage and the circus and the arena into the palace. 5 Indeed, Hierocles he loved so, that he kissed his groin—a thing shameless even to say—asserting that he was celebrating the sacred Floralia.

In virginem Vestalem incestum admisit. 6 Sacra p. R. sublatis penetralibus profanavit. 7 Ignem perpetuum extinguere voluit.

He committed incest with a Vestal Virgin. 6 He profaned the rites of the Roman People, after removing the inner shrines. 7 He wished to extinguish the perpetual fire.

Nec Romans tantum extinguere voluit religiones, sed per orbem terrae, unum studens, ut Heliogabalus deus ubique coleretur, et in penum Vestae, quod solae virgines solique pontifices adeunt, inrupit pollutus ipse omni contagione morum cum his, qui se polluerant. 8 Et penetrale sacrum est auferre conatus cumque seriam quasi veram rapuisset, quamque virgo maxima falso monstraverat atque in ea nihil repperisset, adplosam fregit; nec tamen quicquam religioni dempsit, quia plures similes factae dicuntur esse, ne quis veram umquam possit auferre. haec cum ita essent, signum tamen, quod Palladium esse credebat, abstulit et auro vinctum in sui dei templo locavit.

Nor did he wish to extinguish only the Roman religions, but throughout the orb of the earth, pursuing one aim: that the god Heliogabalus be worshiped everywhere; and into the penus of Vesta, which only the virgins and only the pontiffs approach, he burst in, himself polluted with every contagion of morals together with those who had polluted themselves. 8 And he attempted to carry off the sacred penetral, and when he had snatched the jar as though it were the true one, which the chief virgin had falsely pointed out, and had found nothing in it, he smashed it with a slam; nor yet did he take anything away from the religion, because several similar ones are said to have been made, lest anyone ever be able to carry off the true one. Since these things were so, nevertheless he removed the sign, which he believed to be the Palladium, and, bound with gold, he placed it in the temple of his god.

VII. 1 Matris etiam deum sacra accepit et tauroboliatus est, ut typum eriperet et alia sacra, quae penitus habentur condita. 2 Iactavit autem caput inter praecisos fanaticos et genitalia sibi devinxit et omnia fecit, quae Galli facere solent, ablatumque sanctum in penetrale dei sui transtulit.

7. 1 He also received the rites of the Mother of the gods and was tauroboliated, in order to snatch the type and other sacra, which are kept deeply concealed. 2 Moreover he tossed his head among the castrated fanatics and bound up his genitals and did all the things which the Galli are accustomed to do, and the sacred object, once carried off, he transferred into the inner shrine of his own god.

3 Salambonem etiam omni planctu et iactatione Syriaci cultus exhibuit omen sibi faciens inminentis exitii. 4 Omnes sane deos sui dei ministros esse aiebat, cum alios eius cubicularios appellaret, alios servos, alios diversarum rerum ministros. 5 Lapides, qui divi dicuntur, ex proprio templo, <simulacrum> Dianae Laodiciae ex adyto suo, in quo id Orestes posuerat, adferre voluit.

3 He also exhibited the Salambon with every wailing and tossing of the Syrian cult, making for himself an omen of impending destruction. 4 He kept saying, to be sure, that all the gods were ministers of his god, as he called some his chamberlains, others his slaves, others ministers of various matters. 5 He wished to bring the stones which are called divine from their own temple, and the <simulacrum> of Diana of Laodicea from her own adyton, in which Orestes had placed it.

6 Et Orestem quidem ferunt non unum simulacrum Dianae nec uno in loco posuisse, sed multa in multis; 7 posteaquam se apud Tria flumina circa Hebrum ex responso purificavit, etiam Orestam condidit civitatem, quam saepe cruentari hominum sanguine necesse est. 8 - Et Orestam quidem urbem Hadrianus suo nomini vindicari iussit eo tempore, quo furore coeperat laborare, ex responso, cum ei dictum esset, ut in furiosi alicuius domum vel nomen inreperet; 9 nam ex eo emollitam insaniam ferunt, per quam multos senatores occidi iusserat, quibus servatis Antoninus Pii nomen meruit, 10 quod eos post ad senatum adduxit, quos omnes iussu principis interfectos credebant.-

6 And they say that Orestes did not place one single simulacrum of Diana nor in one single place, but many in many places; 7 after he had purified himself, at Three Rivers near the Hebrus, in accordance with an oracle’s response, he even founded the city Oresta, which must often be bloodied with the blood of men. 8 - And as for the city Oresta, Hadrian ordered it to be claimed for his own name at the time when he had begun to suffer from madness, in accordance with an oracle, since it had been said to him that he should creep into the house or the name of some madman; 9 for from that they say his insanity was softened, during which he had ordered many senators to be killed, who, having been saved, won for Antoninus the name “Pius,” 10 because afterward he led before the senate those whom all believed to have been slain by the command of the princeps.-

VIII. 1 Caedit et humanas hostias lectis ad hoc pueris nobilibus et decoris per omnem Italiam patrimis et matrimis, credo ut maior esset utrique parenti dolor. 2 Omne denique magorum genus aderat illi operabaturque cottidie hortante illo et gratias dis agente, quos eorum invenisset, cum inspiceret exta puerilia et excruciaret hostias ad ritum gentilem suum.

8. 1 He also cuts down human victims, boys chosen for this purpose, noble and comely throughout all Italy, with both father and mother living, I suppose so that the grief would be greater for each parent. 2 In fine, every kind of magus was at hand for him and was operating daily, with him exhorting and giving thanks to the gods, whichever of them he had found, as he inspected the boyish entrails and tormented the victims according to his own ethnic rite.

3 Cum consulatum inisset, in populum non nummos vel argenteos vel aureos <vel> bellaria vel minuta animalia, sed boves op[t]imos et camelos et asinos et cervos populo diripiendos abiecit, imperatorium id esse dictitans. 4 Insecutus est famam Macrini crudeliter, sed multo magis Diadumeni, quod Antoninus dictus est, Pseudoantoninum ut Pseodophilippum eum appellans, simul quod ex luxuriosissimo extitisse vir fortissimus, optimus, gravissimus, severissimus diceretur. 5 Coegit denique scriptores nonnullos nefanda, immo potius impia de eiusdem [dictum] luxuria disputare, ut in vita eius [dictum]. 6 Lavacrum publicum in aedibus aulicis fecit, simul et Plautiani populo exhibuit, ut ex eo condiciones bene vasatorum hominum colligeret.

3 When he had entered upon the consulship, he did not throw to the people coins, either silver or gold, <or> sweetmeats or small animals, but he cast down the best oxen and camels and donkeys and deer for the people to snatch, repeatedly saying that this was imperial. 4 He assailed the reputation of Macrinus cruelly, but much more that of Diadumenian, who was called Antoninus, calling him “Pseudo-Antoninus,” as “Pseodophilippus,” at the same time because it was said that from a most self-indulgent man there had arisen a man most brave, best, most weighty, most severe. 5 Finally, he compelled certain writers to discourse of unspeakable—nay rather impious—things about that same one’s [dictum] luxury, as in his life [dictum]. 6 He made a public bath in the palace buildings, and at the same time he exhibited Plautianus’s to the people, so that from this he might compile assessments of men well furnished with plate (vessels).

7 Idque diligenter curatum est, ut ex tota penitus urbe atque ex nauticis onobeli quaererentur; sic eos appellabant, qui viriliores videbantur.

7 And this was carefully attended to, that from the whole city through and through, and from sailors, onobeli should be sought; thus they called those who seemed more virile.

IX. 1 Cum Marcomannis bellum inferre vellet, quod Antoninus pulcherrime profligarat, dictum est a quibusdam per Chaldaeos et magos Antoninum Marcum id egisse, ut Marcomanni p. R. semper devoti essent atque amici, idque factum carminibus et consecratione. Cum quaereret, quae illa esset vel ubi esset, suppressum est. 2 Constabat enim illum ob hoc consecrationem quaerere, ut eam dissiparet spe belli concitandi, idcirco maxime quod audierat responsum fuisse ab Antonino bellum Marcomannicum finiendum, cum hic Varius et Heliogabalus et Iudibrium publicum diceretur, nomen autem Antonini pollueret, in quod invaserat.

9. 1 When he wished to bring war upon the Marcomanni, which Antoninus had most excellently brought to an end, it was said by certain persons, through Chaldaeans and magi, that Marcus Antoninus had done this, to the end that the Marcomanni might be always devoted and friendly to the p. R., and that this had been effected by incantations and by consecration. When he inquired what that was or where it was, it was suppressed. 2 For it was agreed that he sought the consecration for this reason: that he might dissipate it in the hope of inciting war, especially because he had heard that the response had been from Antoninus that the Marcomannic war was to be finished, while this man was called Varius and Heliogabalus and a Public Mockery, and he polluted the name of Antoninus, into which he had invaded.

3 Prodebatur autem per eos maxime, qui dolebant sibi homines ad exercendas libidines bene eius cogitari coepit. et haec quidem domi.

3 And it was disclosed especially by those who were pained, that men were being procured for him to exercise lusts; and these things indeed at home.

X. 1 Sed milites pestem illam imperatoris velari nomine pati nequierunt ac primum inter sese dein per coronas iecere sermones, in Alexandrum omnes inclinantes, qui iam Caesar erat a senatu eo tempore, consobrinus huius Antonini, nam Varia una is erat avia, unde Heliogabalus Varius dicebatur. 2 Zoticus sub eo tantum valuit, ut ab omnibus officiorum principibus sic haberetur quasi domini maritus. 3 Erat praeterea idem Zoticus, qui hoc familiaritatis genere abutens omnia Heliogabali dicta et facta venderet fumis quam maxime divitias enormes parans, cum aliis minaretur, aliis polliceretur, omnes falleret egrediensque ab illo singulos a[u]diret dicens : "De te hoc locutus sum, de te hoc audivi, de te hoc futurum est." 4 Ut sunt homines huius modi, qui si admissi fuerint ad nimiam famimiaritatem principum, famam non solum malorum sed et bonorum principum vendunt et qui stultitia vel innocentia imperatorum, qui hoc non perspiciunt, infami rumigeratione pascuntur.

10. 1 But the soldiers could not endure that plague of an emperor to be veiled by the name, and at first among themselves, then in circles, they cast their talks—all inclining toward Alexander, who already at that time had been made Caesar by the senate, a cousin-german of this Antoninus (for Varia was their one grandmother), whence Heliogabalus was called Varius. 2 Zoticus under him prevailed so greatly that by all the chiefs of the offices he was regarded as the master’s husband. 3 Moreover, this same Zoticus, abusing this kind of familiarity, would sell for smoke all the sayings and doings of Heliogabalus, amassing enormous riches as much as possible, threatening some, promising others, deceiving all; and coming out from him he would address individuals, saying: "About you I have said this; about you I have heard this; about you this will come to be." 4 Such as men of this sort are, who, if they have been admitted to excessive familiarity with princes, sell the repute not only of bad but also of good princes, and who, by the folly or innocence of emperors who do not perceive this, are fed by infamous rumor-mongering.

5 Nubsit et co<it cum illo> ita, ut et pronubam haberet clamaretque "Concide Magire", et eo quidem tempore quo Zoticus aegrotabat. 6 Quaerebat deinde a philosophis et gravissimis viris, an et ipsi in adulescentia perpesse essent, quae ipse pateretur, <et> quidem inpudentissime; neque enim umquam verbis pepercit infamibus, cum et digitis inpudicitiam ostentaret, nec ullus in conventu et audiente populo esset pudor.

5 He married and had intercourse with him, in such a way that he even had a brideswoman and shouted, “Concide, Magire,” and this indeed at the very time when Zoticus was sick. 6 Then he would ask philosophers and most grave men whether they too in adolescence had endured the things which he himself was enduring, and indeed most shamelessly; for he never spared infamous words, since he even with his fingers would display unchastity, nor was there any modesty in an assembly, with the people listening.

XI. 1 Fecit libertos praesides, legatos, consules, duces omnesque dignitates polluit ignobillitate hominum perditorum. 2 Cum ad vindemias vocasset amicos nobiles et ad corbes sedisset, gravissimum quemque percontari coepit, an promtus esset in venerem, erubescentibusque senibus exclamabat : "Erubuit, salva res est", silentium ac ruborem pro consensu ducens. 3 Addidit praeterea ipse, quae faceret, sine ullius pudoris velamento.

11. 1 He made freedmen presidents (governors), legates, consuls, generals, and he polluted all dignities with the ignobility of profligate men. 2 When he had invited his noble friends to the grape harvest and had sat down by the baskets, he began to question each most serious man whether he was prompt for Venus, and when the old men blushed he would exclaim : "He has blushed, the matter is safe", taking silence and a blush for consent. 3 Moreover he himself added what he was doing, without any veil of modesty.

4 Postquam senes vidit erubescere ac tacere, vel quia aetas vel quia dignitas talia refutabat, contulit se ad iuvenes et ab his coepit omnia exquirere. 5 A quibus cum audiret congrua, gaudere coepit, dicens vere liberam vindemiam esse, quam sic celebreret. 6 Ferunt multi ab ipso primum repertum, ut in vindemiarum festivo multa in dominos iocularia et audientibus dominis dicerentur, quae ipse conposuerat, et Graeca maxime.

4 After he saw the elders blush and be silent, either because age or because dignity was refuting such things, he betook himself to the youths and from these began to inquire into everything. 5 From whom, when he heard things congruous, he began to rejoice, saying that it was truly a free vintage which he thus celebrated. 6 Many report that it was first discovered by himself, that at the vintage festival many jocularities against masters should be spoken with the masters listening, which he himself had composed, and Greek ones especially.

Horum pleraque Marius Maximus dicit in vita ipsius Heliogabali. 7 Erant amici inprobi et senes quidam et specie philosophi, qui caput reticulo componerent, qui inproba quaedam pati se dicerent, qui maritos se habere iactarent. Quos quidam finxisse dicunt, ut illi fierent vitiorum imitatione cariores.

Most of these things Marius Maximus says in the life of Heliogabalus. 7 There were shameless friends and certain old men and, in appearance, philosophers, who would arrange their head with a little net, who said that they endured certain disgraceful things, who boasted that they had husbands. Some say they had contrived these things, so that they might become more dear to him by an imitation of his vices.

XII. 1 Ad praefecturam praetorii saltorem, qui histrionicam Romae fecerat, adscivit, praefectum vigilum Cordium aurigam fecit, praefectum annonae Claudium tonsorem. 2 Ad honores reliquos promovit commendatos sibi pudibilium inormitate membrorum.

12. 1 To the praetorian prefecture he appointed a dancer, who had done the histrionic art in Rome; he made Cordius, a charioteer, prefect of the watch, and Claudius, a barber, prefect of the grain-supply. 2 To the remaining honors he promoted those commended to him by the enormity of their shameful members.

Ad vicensimam hereditatium mulionem curare iussit, iussit et cursorem, iussit et cocum et claustrarium artificem. 3 Cum ingressus est vel castra vel curiam aviam suam Variam nomine, de qua superius dictum est, secum induxit, ut eius auctoritate honestior fieret, quia per se non poterat; nec ante eum, quod iam diximus, senatum mulier ingressa est ita, ut ad scribendum rogaretur et sententiam diceret. 4 In conviviis exsoletos maxime iuxta se ponebat eorumque adtrectatione et tactu praecipue gaudebat, nec quisquam ei magis poculum, cum bibisset, dabat.

He ordered a muleteer to take care of the twentieth on inheritances, he ordered also a courier, and he ordered both a cook and a locksmith artificer. 3 Whenever he entered either the camp or the curia, he led in with him his grandmother named Varia, about whom mention has been made above, so that by her authority he might become more respectable, since by himself he could not; nor before him, as we have already said, did a woman enter the Senate in such a way that she was asked to be entered on the list and to speak her opinion. 4 At banquets he would place exsoleti especially next to himself, and he took particular delight in their handling and touch; nor did anyone more than they hand him the cup when he had drunk.

XIII. 1 Inter haec mal vitae inpudicissimae Alexandrum, quem sibi adoptaverat, a se amoveri iussit, dicens se paenitere adoptionis, mandavitque ad senatum, ut Caesaris ei nomen abrogaretur. 2 Sed in senatu hoc prodito ingens silentium fuit; si quidem erat optimus iuvenis Alexander, ut postea conprobatum genere imperii eius, cum ideo displiceret patri, quod inpudicus non esset.

13. 1 Amid these things, the man of most unchaste life ordered that Alexander, whom he had adopted to himself, be removed from him, saying that he repented of the adoption, and he sent a mandate to the senate that the name of Caesar be abrogated from him. 2 But when this was disclosed in the senate, there was a huge silence; for indeed Alexander was a most excellent young man, as was later verified by the character of his rule, though for this reason he displeased his father, that he was not unchaste.

3 Erat autem eidem consobrinus, ut quidam dicunt; a militibus etiam amabatur et senatui acceptus erat et equestri ordini. 4 Nec defuit tamen furor usque ad exitium voti pessimi. Nam ei percussores immisit, et hoc quidem modo : 5 ipse secessit ad hortos Spei veteris, quasi contra nocuum iuvenem vota concipiens, relicta in Palatio matre et avia et consobrino suo iussitque, ut trucidaretur iuvenis optimus et rei p. necessarius; 6 misit et ad milites litteras, quibus iussit, ut abrogaretur nomen Caesaris Alexandro; 7 misit qui et in castris statuarum eius titulos luto tegeret, ut fieri solet de tyrannis; 8 misit et ad nutritores eius, quibus imperavit sub praemiorum spe atque honorum, ut eum occiderent quo vellent modo, vel in balneis vel veneno vel ferro.

3 Moreover, he was his cousin, as some say; he was even loved by the soldiers and was acceptable to the senate and to the equestrian order. 4 Yet the fury did not fail, even to the ruin of the most wicked vow. For he sent assassins against him, and in this manner : 5 he himself withdrew to the Gardens of Old Hope, as if making vows against the harmful young man, and, with his mother and grandmother and his cousin left in the Palace, he ordered that the most excellent young man, necessary to the republic, be butchered; 6 he also sent letters to the soldiers, by which he ordered that the name of Caesar be abrogated for Alexander; 7 he also sent someone to cover with mud in the camp the titles of his statues, as is wont to be done with tyrants; 8 he also sent to his fosterers, whom he commanded, under the hope of rewards and honors, to kill him in whatever way they wished, whether in the baths or by poison or by iron.

XIV. 1 Sed nihil agunt improbi contra innocentes. Nam nulla vi quis adduci potuit, ut tantum facinus impleret, cum in ipsum magis conversa sint tela, quae parabat aliis, ab hisque interfectus, quibus alios adpetebat.

14. 1 But the wicked accomplish nothing against the innocent. For by no force could anyone be induced to complete so great a crime, since the weapons which he was preparing for others were turned rather against himself, and he was killed by those by whom he was assailing others.

2 Sed ubi primum lutati sunt tituli statuarum, milites omnes exarserunt, et pars in Palatium, pars in hortos, in quibus erat Varius, ire tendunt, ut Alexandrum vindicarent hominemque inpurum eundemque parricidalis animi tandem a re p. depellerent. 3 Et cum in Paladium venissent, Alexandrum cum matre atque avia custoditum diligentissime postea in castra duxerunt. 4 Secuta autem erat illos Symiamira mater Heliogabali pedibus, sollicita filio.

2 But when first the titles of the statues were smeared with mud, all the soldiers flared up, and part made for the Palace, part for the gardens, in which Varius was, they set out to go, in order to vindicate Alexander and to drive at last from the commonwealth the impure man, that same one of a parricidal mind. 3 And when they had come into the Palace, they afterward led Alexander, with his mother and grandmother, most diligently guarded, into the camp. 4 But Symiamira, the mother of Heliogabalus, had followed them on foot, anxious for her son.

5 Inde itum est in hortos, ubi Varius invenitur certamen aurigandi parans, exspectans tamen intentissime, quando eidem nuntiaretur consobrinus occisus. 6 Qui subito militum strepitu exterritus in angulum se condit obiectuque veli cubicularis, quod in introitu erat cubiculi, se texit, 7 missis praefectis alio ad conpescendos milites in castra, alio vero ad eos placandos, qui iam in hortos venissent. 8 Antiochianus igitur e praefectis unus milites, qui in hortos venerant, sacramenti admonitione exoravit, ne illum occiderent, quia nec multi venerant et plerique cum vexillo, quod Aristomachus tribunus retinuerat, remanserat.

5 Thence it was gone into the gardens, where Varius is found preparing a contest of charioteering, yet awaiting most intently when it would be announced to him that his cousin had been killed. 6 He, suddenly terrified by the racket of the soldiers, hid himself in a corner and, by throwing before him the chamber curtain, which was at the entrance of the bedchamber, covered himself, 7 having sent the prefects—one to the camp to restrain the soldiers, but another to placate those who had already come into the gardens. 8 Therefore Antiochianus, one of the prefects, by an admonition of the sacrament (the military oath) persuaded the soldiers who had come into the gardens not to kill him, because not many had come and most had remained with the standard, which the tribune Aristomachus had held back.

Haec in hortis.

These things in the gardens.

XV. 1 In castris vero milites precanti praefecto dixerunt se parsuros esse Heliogabalo, si et inpuros homines et aurigas et histriones a se dimoveret atque ad bonam frugem rediret his maxime summotis, qui cum omnium dolore apud eum plurimum poterant et qui omnia eius vendebant vel veritate vel fumis. 2 Remoti sunt denique ad eo Hierocles, Gordius et Myrismus et duo improbi familiares, qui eum ex stulto stultiorem faciebant. 3 Mandatum praeterea a militibus praefectis, ne paterentur illum ita diutius vivere et ut Alexander custodiretur nevel illi aliqua vis adferretur, simul ne Caesar quempiam amicum Augusti videret, ne ulla fieret imitatio turpitudinis.

15. 1 In the camp, indeed, the soldiers said to the beseeching prefect that they would spare Heliogabalus, if he would also remove from himself impure men and charioteers and stage-players, and would return to good character, with these especially removed who, to the grief of all, had the most power with him and who sold all his things either by truth or by smoke. 2 In the end there were removed from him Hierocles, Gordius, and Myrismus, and two wicked familiars, who were making him, from a fool, even more foolish. 3 Moreover it was mandated by the soldiers to the prefects that they should not allow him to live thus any longer, and that Alexander be kept under guard lest even any violence be brought to him, and at the same time that the Caesar should not see anyone a friend of the Augustus, lest any imitation of turpitude be made.

4 Sed Heliogabalus et ingenti prece Hieroclem reposcebat inpudicissimum hominem et insidias in dies Caesaris propagabat. 5 Denique kal. Ianuariis, cum simul tum designati essent consules, noluit cum consobrino procedere.

4 But Heliogabalus also, with mighty entreaty, kept demanding back Hierocles, a most impudent man, and day by day was extending plots against the Caesar. 5 Finally, on January 1, when both had been designated consuls together, he refused to proceed with his cousin.

6 Ad extremum cum ei avia et mater dicerent inminere milites ad eius exitium, nisi concordiam viderent inter se consobrinorum, sumpta praetexta hora diei sexta processit ad senatum avia sua ad senatum vocata et ad sellam perducta. 7 Deinde in Capitolium ad vota concipienda et perficienda solemnia ire noluit, omniaque per pr(aetorem) urbanum facta sunt, quasi consules illic non essent.

6 At last, when his grandmother and mother said that the soldiers were looming for his destruction unless they should see concord between the cousins, with the praetexta assumed, at the sixth hour of the day he proceeded to the Senate; his grandmother, having been called to the Senate, was led to the chair. 7 Then he was unwilling to go to the Capitol to conceive and to accomplish the solemn vows, and everything was done through the urban pr(aetor), as if the consuls were not there.

XVI. 1 Nec distulit caedem consobrini, sed timens, ne senatus ad alium quempiam se inclinaret, si ille consobrinum occidisset, iussit subito senatum urbe decedere. Omnesque, quibus aut vehicula aut servi deerant, subito proficisci iussi sunt, cum alii per baiulos, alii per fortuita animalia et mercede conducta veherentur.

16. 1 Nor did he postpone the murder of his cousin; but fearing that, if he killed his cousin, the senate would incline itself to some other person, he suddenly ordered the senate to depart from the city. And all those to whom either vehicles or slaves were lacking were ordered to set out at once, while some were being carried by porters, others by fortuitous animals hired for a wage.

2 Sabinum consularem virum, ad quem libros Ulpi[ci]anus scripsit, quod in urbe remansisset, vocato centurione mollioribus verbis iussit occidi. 3 Sed centurio aure surdiori imperari sibi credidit, ut urbe pelleretur, itaque fecit. Sic vitium centurionis Sabino saluti fuit.

2 Sabinus, a man of consular rank, the one for whom Ulpian wrote books, because he had remained in the city, having summoned a centurion, he ordered to be killed with gentler words. 3 But the centurion, with a somewhat deafer ear, believed that it was ordered that he be driven from the city, and so he did. Thus the centurion’s fault was a salvation for Sabinus.

4 Removit et Ulpianum iuris consultum ut bonum virum et Silvinum rhetorem, quem magistrum Caesaris fecerat. Et Silvinus quidem occisus est, Ulpianus vero reservatus. 5 Sed milites et maxime praetorianus, vel scientes, quo<d> mala in <Alexandrum> Heliogabalus pararat, vel quod sibi viderent invidiam <fore ex Alexandri amore, inter se congressi sunt> factaque conspiratione ad liberandam rem p. primum conscii <libidinum eius occisi sunt vario> genere mortis, cum alios genitalibus exemptis necarent, alios ab ima parte perfoderent, ut mors esset vitae consentiens.

4 He also removed Ulpian, the jurisconsult, as a good man, and Silvinus the rhetor, whom he had made the tutor of Caesar. And Silvinus indeed was killed, but Ulpian was reserved. 5 But the soldiers, and especially the Praetorian Guard, either knowing that Elagabalus had prepared evils against <Alexander>, or because they saw that ill-will <would be for themselves from Alexander’s love, they gathered together among themselves>; and a conspiracy having been made to liberate the commonwealth, first those privy <to his lusts were killed by a various> kind of death, since they killed some with their genitals cut off, others they pierced from the lowest part, so that death might be consonant with life.

XVII. 1 Post hoc in eum impetus factus est atque in latrina, ad quam confugerat, occisus. Tractus deinde per publicum.

17. 1 After this an assault was made upon him, and in a latrine, to which he had fled for refuge, he was slain. He was then dragged through the public.

Addita iniuria cadaveri est, ut id in cloacam milites mitterent. 2 Sed cum non c[a]episset cloaca fortuito, per pontem Aemilium adnexo pondere, ne fluitaret, in Tiberim abiectum est, ne umquam sepeliri posset. 3 Tractum est cadaver eius etiam per circi spatia.

An added outrage was done to the cadaver, namely that the soldiers should send it into the sewer. 2 But since the sewer had not taken it by chance, via the Aemilian Bridge, with a weight fastened on, lest it should float, it was cast into the Tiber, so that it could never be sepulchered. 3 His cadaver was also dragged through the spaces of the circus.

Priusquam in Tiberim praecipitaretur. 4 Nomen eius, id est Antonini, erasum est senatu iubente remansitque Varii Heliogabali, si quidem illud adfectato retinuerat, cum vult videri filius Antonini. 5 Appellatus est post mortem Tiberinus et Tractatitius et Inpurus et multa, si quando ea erant designanda, quae sub eo facta videbantur.

Before he was hurled headlong into the Tiber. 4 His name, that is, “Antoninus,” was erased at the senate’s order, and that of Varius Heliogabalus remained, since indeed he had retained that assumed one when he wished to seem the son of Antoninus. 5 After death he was called “Tiberine” and “Dragged-About” and “Impure,” and many [other things], whenever there was occasion to designate the deeds which seemed to have been done under him.

6 Solusque omnium principum et tractus est et in cloacam missus et in Tiberim praecipitus. 7 Quod odio communi omnium contigit, a quo speciatim cavere debent imperatores, si quidem nec sepulchra mereantur, qui amorem senatus populi ac militum non merentur. 8 Opera publica ipsius praeter aedem Heliogabali dei, quem Solem alii, alii lovem dicunt, et amphitheatri instaurationem post exustionem et lavacrum in vico Sulpicio, quod Antoninus Severi filius coeperat, nulla extant.

6 And he alone of all princes was both dragged, and sent into a sewer, and precipitated headlong into the Tiber. 7 This befell by the common hatred of all, from which emperors ought especially to beware, since indeed they do not even deserve sepulchers who do not merit the love of the senate, the people, and the soldiers. 8 No public works of his are extant, except for the temple of the god Heliogabalus, whom some call the Sun, others Jove, and the restoration of the amphitheater after the conflagration, and the bath on the Sulpician vicus, which Antoninus, the son of Severus, had begun.

9 Et lavacrum quidem Antoninus Caracallus dedicaverat et lavando et populum admittendo, sed porticus defuerant, quae postea ob hoc subditivo Antonino extructae sunt, ab Alexandro perfectae.

9 And indeed Antoninus Caracallus had dedicated the bath both by bathing and by admitting the people, but the porticoes had been lacking, which afterwards, on account of this subdititious Antoninus, were erected, and were finished by Alexander.

XVIII. 1 Hic ultimus Antoninorum fuit (quamvis cognomine postea Gordianos multi Antoninos putent, qui Antonii dicti sunt, non Antonini) vita, moribus, improbitate ita odibilis, ut eius senatus et nomen eraserit. 2 Quem nec ego Antoninum vocassem nisi causa cognitionis, quae cogit plerumque dici ea etiam nomina, quae sunt abolita.

18. 1 This man was the last of the Antonines (although later many, by cognomen, think the Gordians to be Antonines, who were called Antonii, not Antonini), so hateful in life, in morals, in improbity, that the senate erased even his name. 2 Whom neither would I have called Antoninus, except for the sake of recognition, which for the most part compels even those names to be spoken which have been abolished.

Occisa est cum eo et mater Symiamira, probrosissima mulier et digna filio. 3 Cautumque ante omnia post Antoninum Heliogabalum, ne umquam mulier senatum ingrederetur utique inferis eius caput dicaretur devovereturque, per quem id esset factum. 4 De huius vita multa in litteras missa sunt obscaena, quae quia digna memoratu non sunt, ea prodenda censui, quae ad luxuriam pertinebant, quorum aliqua privatus, aliqua iam imperator fecisse perhibetur, cum ipse privatus diceret se Apicium, imperatorem vero <Neronem>, Othonem et Vitellium imitari.

His mother Symiamira, a most disgraceful woman and worthy of her son, was killed with him. 3 And it was provided before all things after Antoninus Heliogabalus, that no woman should ever enter the senate, and that assuredly his head be dedicated to the infernal gods and solemnly devoted, by the person through whom this had been done. 4 Many obscene things about his life have been committed to letters; since these are not worthy of remembrance, I have judged to publish those which pertained to luxury, some of which he is reported to have done as a private person, some already as emperor, since he, as a private man, would say that he imitated Apicius, but as emperor, <Nero>, Otho, and Vitellius.

XIX. 1 Nam primus omnium privatorum toros aureis toralibus texit, quia tunc ex Antonini Marci auctoritate id fieri licebat, qui omnem apparatum imperatorium publice vendiderat. 2 Deinde aestiva convivia coloribus exhibuit, ut hodie prasinum, vitreum alia, die venetum et deinceps exhiberet, semper varie per dies omnes aestivos.

19. 1 For he was the first of all private persons to cover couches with golden coverlets, because then, by the authority of Marcus Antoninus—who had publicly sold all the imperial apparatus—it was permitted to do this. 2 Then he staged summer banquets by colors, so that today prasinus (green), on another day vitreus (glassy/sea-green), and next venetus (blue) he would present, and so on, always varied through all the summer days.

3 Primus deinde authepsas argenteas habuit, primus etiam caccabos, vasa deinde centenaria argentea scalpta et nonnulla schematibus libidinosissimis inquinata. 4 Et mastichatum et puleiatum et omnia haec, quae nunc luxuria retinet, primus invenit. 5 Nam rosatum ab aliis acceptum pinearum etiam adtritione odoratius redidit.

3 Then he was the first to have silver authepsae, the first also kettles, then hundred‑pound silver vessels, engraved, and some befouled with the most lustful figures. 4 And mastic‑flavored and pennyroyal‑flavored drinks, and all these things which luxury now retains, he first invented. 5 For the rose‑wine, received from others, he rendered more fragrant even by the rubbing of pine‑cones.

Denique haec genera poculorum ante Heliogabalum non leguntur. 6 Nec erat ei ulla vita nisi exquirere novas voluptates. Primus fecit de piscibus isicia, primus de ostreis et lithostreis et aliis huiusmodi marinis conchis et lucustis et cammaris et scillis.

Finally, these kinds of cups are not recorded before Heliogabalus. 6 Nor had he any life except to seek out new pleasures. He was the first to make isicia (forcemeats) from fishes, the first from oysters and rock-oysters (lithostreae) and other such marine shells, and from lobsters (locustae) and prawns (cammari) and scyllae (slipper-lobsters).

7 Stravit et triclinia de rosa et lectos et porticus ac sic ea deambulavit, idque omni florum genere, liliis, violis, hyacinthis et narcissis. 8 Hic non nisi unguento nobili aut croco piscinis infectis natavit. 9 Nec cubuit in accubitis facile nisi his, quae pilum leporinum haberent aut plumas perdicum subalares, saepe culcitas mutans.

7 He also strewed the triclinia with roses, and the couches and the porticoes, and thus walked about them, and this with every kind of flower—lilies, violets, hyacinths and narcissi. 8 He swam only when the pools had been infused with noble unguent or with crocus (saffron). 9 Nor did he readily recline on accubita unless on those which had hare-fur or the under-wing feathers of partridges, often changing the mattresses.

XX. 1 Senatum nonnumquam ita contempsit, ut mancipia togata appellaret, p. R. unius fundi cultorem, equestrem ordinem in nullo loco habens. 2 Praefectum urbicum saepe post cenam ad potandum vocabat adhibitis et praefectis praetorio, ita ut, si recusarent, magistri officiorum eos cogerent. 3 Voluit et per singulas urbis regiones praefectos urbi facere [et], ut essent in urbe quattuordecim.

20. 1 He sometimes so contemned the Senate that he called them toga-wearing slaves, and the Roman People the cultivator of a single farm, holding the equestrian order in no esteem. 2 He often invited the Urban Prefect after dinner to drink, with the Praetorian Prefects also in attendance, such that, if they refused, the Masters of the Offices compelled them. 3 He also wished to appoint Urban Prefects through each district of the city, so that there might be 14 in the city.

Et fecisset, si vixisset, promoturus omnes turpissimos et ultimae professionis homines. 4 Hic solido argento factos habuit lectos et tricliniares et cubiculares. 5 Comedit saepius ad imitationem Apicii calcanea camelorum et cristas vivis gallinaceis demptas, linguas pavonum et lusciniarum, quod qui ederet a pestilentia tutus diceretur.

And he would have done it, if he had lived, being about to promote all the most disgraceful men and those of the lowest profession. 4 He had beds and triclinial and cubicular furnishings made of solid silver. 5 He often ate, in imitation of Apicius, the heels of camels and crests removed from living roosters, and the tongues of peacocks and of nightingales, because whoever ate this was said to be safe from pestilence.

6 Exhibuit et Palatinis <patinas> ingentes extis mullorum refertas et cerebellis foenicopterum et perdicum ovis et cerebellis turdorum et capitibus psittacorum et fasianorum et pavonum. 7 Barbas sane mullorum tantas iubebat exhiberi, ut pro nasturtiis, apiasteris et faselaribus et feno Graeco exhiberet plenis fabatariis et discis. Quod praecipue stupendum est.

6 He also exhibited to the Palatines huge crammed with the entrails of mullets and with the brains of flamingos, and with the eggs of partridges, and with the brains of thrushes, and with the heads of parrots and of pheasants and of peacocks. 7 Indeed, he ordered the beards of mullets to be shown so large, that, instead of nasturtiums, apiasters and faselaria and Greek hay (fenugreek), he would present them in full bean-bowls and dishes. Which is especially astounding.

XXI. 1 Canes iecineribus anserum pavit. Habuit leones et leopardos exarmatos in deliciis, quos edoctos per mansuetarios subito ad secundam et tertiam mensam iubebat accumbere ignorantibus cunctis, quod exarmati essent, ad pavorem ridiculum excitandum.

21. 1 He fed dogs on the livers of geese. He had disarmed lions and leopards among his delights, whom, trained by tamers, he would order suddenly to recline at the second and third course, with all unaware that they were disarmed, to rouse a ridiculous fear.

2 Misit et uvas Apamenas in praesepia equis suis et psittacis atque fasianis leones pavit et alia animalia. 3 Exhibuit et sumina apruna per dies decem tricena cottidie cum suis vulvis, pisum cum aureis, lentem cum cerauniis, fabam cum electris, orizam cum albis exhibens. 4 Albas praeterea in vicem piperis piscibus et tuberibus conspersit.

2 He also sent Apamean grapes into the mangers for his horses, and he fed the lions and other animals with parrots and pheasants. 3 He also served pork udders for ten days, thirty daily, with their wombs, peas with gold pieces, lentils with cerauniae (thunderstones), beans with amber, serving rice with pearls. 4 Besides, he sprinkled pearls, in place of pepper, upon fish and truffles.

5 Oppressit in tricliniis versatilibus parasitos suos violis et floribus, sic ut animam aliqui efflaverint, cum erepere ad summum non possent. 6 Condito piscinas et solia temperavit et rosato atque absentato. Vulgum ad bibendum invitavit et ipse cum populo tantum bibit, ut in piscina eum bibisse intellegeretur, viso quod unus bibisset.

5 He smothered in revolving dining-rooms his parasites with violets and flowers, such that some breathed out their life, since they were not able to creep to the top. 6 He tempered pools and tubs with spiced wine and with rose-wine and wormwood-wine. He invited the common crowd to drink, and he himself drank with the people so much, that it was understood that he had drunk in the pool, when it was seen that a single person had drunk.

7 Eunuchos pro apophoretis dedit, dedit quadrigas, equos stratos, mulos, basternas et redas, dedit et aureos millenos et centena pondo argenti.

7 He gave eunuchs as apophoreta; he gave quadrigae, saddled horses, mules, basternae and redae; he also gave a thousand aurei and a hundred pounds by weight of silver.

XXII. 1 Sortes sane convivales scriptas in coclearibus habuit tales, ut alius exiret "decem camelos", alius "decem muscas", alius "decem libras auri", alius "decem plumbi", alius "decem strusiones", alius "decem ova pullina", ut vere sortes essent et fata temptarentur. 2 Quod quidem et ludis suis exhibuit, cum et ursos decem et decem glires et decem lactucas et decem auri libras in sorte habuit.

22. 1 He had, in truth, convivial lots written on spoons of such a kind, that one would come up “ten camels,” another “ten flies,” another “ten pounds of gold,” another “ten of lead,” another “ten ostriches,” another “ten chicken eggs,” so that they might truly be lots and destinies be put to the test. 2 He even exhibited this at his games, since he had in the lot both ten bears and ten dormice and ten lettuces and ten pounds of gold.

3 Primusque hunc morem sortis instituit, quem nunc videmus. sed vere ad sortem scaenicos vocavit, cum et canes mortuos et libram bubulae carnis haberet in sorte et item centum aureos et mille argenteos et centum folles aeris et alia talia. 4 Quae populus tam libenter accepit, ut eum postea imperare gratularentur.

3 And he first instituted this custom of the lot which we now see. but truly he called scenic performers to the drawing of lots, since he had in the lot both dead dogs and a pound of beef, and likewise one hundred gold pieces and one thousand silver pieces and one hundred bags of bronze, and other such things. 4 Which things the people received so willingly that afterward they offered him congratulations on ruling.

XXIII. 1 Fertur in euripis vino ploenis navales circenses exhibuisse, pallia de oenanthio fudisse et elefantorum quattuor quadrigas in Vaticano agitasse dirutis sepulchris, quae obsistebant, iunxisse etiam camelos quaternos ad currus in circo privato spectaculo. 2 Serpentes per Marsicae gentis sacerdotes collegisse fertur eosque subito ante lucem, ut solet populus ad ludos celebres convenire, effudisse, multosque adflictos morsu et fuga.

23. 1 He is said to have exhibited naval circus-games with the euripi filled with wine, to have showered down pallia scented with oenanthium, and to have driven on the Vatican four quadrigae of elephants, after the tombs that obstructed had been torn down, and even to have yoked camels four-abreast to chariots in the Circus for a private spectacle. 2 He is said to have collected snakes through priests of the Marsic people, and to have suddenly, before dawn—when the populace is wont to gather for celebrated games—poured them out, and many were afflicted by bite and by flight.

3 Usus est aurea omni tunica, usus et purpurea, usus et de gemmis Persica, cum gravari se diceret onere voluptatis. 4 Habuit et in calciamentis gemmas, et quidem scalptas. quod risum omnibus movit, quasi possent scalpturae nobilium artificum videri in gemmis, quae pedibus adhaerebant.

3 He used an entirely golden tunic, he used also a purple one, he used also a Persian one of gems, while he would say that he was weighed down by the burden of pleasure. 4 He had gems also in his footwear, and indeed engraved— which moved laughter in all, as if the engravings of distinguished craftsmen could be seen on gems that adhered to the feet.

5 Voluit uti et diademate gemmato, qui pulchrior fieret et magis ad feminarum vultum aptus. Quo et usus est domi. 6 Fertur et promisisse foenicem convivis vel pro eo libras auri mille, ut imperatorie eos dimitteret.

5 He wished also to use a gemmed diadem, that he might become more beautiful and more apt to a woman’s visage; and he used it at home as well. 6 It is reported too that he promised a phoenix to his dinner‑guests, or in place of it 1,000 pounds of gold, in order to dismiss them imperially.

7 Marinae aquae colymbos exhibuit, in mediterraneis locis maxime et iterum cum piscibus implevit. 8 Montem nivium in virdiario domus aestate fecit advectis nivibus. Ad mare piscem numquam comedit, in longissimis a mari locis omnia marina semper exhibuit.

7 He exhibited sea-water plunge-baths, especially in inland places, and again he filled them with fish. 8 In the house’s viridary he made a mountain of snows in summer by having snows brought in. By the sea he never ate fish; in places most remote from the sea he always exhibited all things marine.

Murenarum lactibus et luporum in locis mediterraneis rusticos pavit.

He fed countryfolk in inland places with the milts of lampreys and of sea-bass.

XXIV. 1 Pisces semper quasi in marina aqua cum colore suo coctos conditura veneta comedit. Momentarias de rosato et rosis piscinas exhibuit et lavit cum omnibus suis caldarias de nardo exhibens.

24. 1 He always ate fish as if in marine water, cooked with their own color, with a sea‑blue brine. He displayed momentary pools of rose‑wine and roses and bathed with all his people, providing hot baths of nard.

Idem in lucernis balsamum exhibuit. 2 Idem mulieres numquam iteravit praeter uxorem. Lupanaria domi amicis, clientibus et servis exhibuit.

He likewise exhibited balsam in lamps. 2 Likewise, he never repeated women, except his wife. He provided brothels at home for friends, clients, and slaves.

3 Idem numquam minus centum sestertiis c[a]enavit, hoc est argenti libris triginta; aliquando autem tribus milibus sestertium cenavit omnibus supputatis, quae inpendit. 4 Cenas vero et Vitellii et Apicii vicit. Pisces e vivariis suis bubus traxit.

3 The same never dined for less than one hundred sesterces, that is, thirty pounds of silver; at times, however, he dined at three thousand sesterces, with everything computed that he expended. 4 In fact, he surpassed the dinners of Vitellius and of Apicius. He had fishes hauled from his vivaria (fish-ponds) by oxen.

Per macellum transiens mendicitatem publicam flevit. 5 Parasitos ad rotam aquariam ligabat et cum vertigine sub aquas mittebat rursusqua in summum revolvebat eosque Ixionios amicos vocavit. 6 Stravit et saxis Lacedaemoniis ac porphyreticis plateas in palatio, quas Antoninianas vocavit.

Passing through the market, he wept over public mendicancy. 5 He used to bind parasites to a water-wheel and, with its whirling, send them beneath the waters, and again roll them back up to the top, and he called them his Ixionian friends. 6 He also paved the avenues in the palace with Lacedaemonian and porphyritic stones, which he called Antoninian.

Quae saxa usque ad nostram memoriam manserunt, sed nuper eruta <et> exsecta sunt. 7 Constituerat et columnam unam dare ingentem, ad quam ascenderetur intrinsecus, ita ut in summo Heliogabalum deum collocaret, sed tantum saxum non invenit, cum id de Thebaide adferre cogitaret.

Which stones remained down to our own memory, but recently they were dug up <and> cut away. 7 He had also resolved to set up a single huge column, up which one would ascend from the inside, so that at the summit he might place the god Heliogabalus; but he did not find so great a stone, when he was considering bringing it from the Thebaid.

XXV. 1 Ebrios amicos plerumque claudebat et subito nocte leones et leopardos et ursos exarmatos immittebat, ita ut expergefacti in cubiculo eodem leones, ursos, pardos cum luce vel, quod est gravius, nocte invenirent, ex quo plerique exanimati sunt. 2 Multis vilioribus amicis folles pro accubitis sternebat eosque reflabat prandentibus illis, ita ut plerumque subito sub mensis invenirentur prandentes; 3 primus denique invenit simma in terra sternere, non in lectulis, ut a pedibus utres per pueros ad reflandum spiritum solverentur.

25. 1 He would often lock up inebriated friends, and suddenly by night he would send in lions and leopards and bears, disarmed, so that, awakened, they would find in the same bedchamber lions, bears, pards by daylight or, what is more grievous, at night, from which many were exanimated. 2 For many cheaper friends he used to spread bellows instead of couches, and he would reblow them while they were lunching, so that often those dining were suddenly found under the tables; 3 finally, he was the first to devise spreading mattresses on the ground, not on little couches, so that at the feet the skins might be loosened by boys for the reblowing of the breath.

4 In mimicis adulteriis ea, quae solent simulato fieri, effici ad verum iussit. 5 Meretrices a lenonibus cunctis redemit saepe et manumisit. 6 Cum inter fabulas privatas sermo esset ortus, quanti herniosi esse possent in urbe Roma, iussit omnes notari eosque ad balneas suas exhiberi et cum isdem lavit, nonnullis etiam honestis.

4 In mime-performances of adulteries he ordered that the things which are wont to be done in simulation be carried out for real. 5 He often redeemed prostitutes from all pimps and manumitted them. 6 When, amid private chatter, a discussion had arisen as to how many hernia-sufferers there might be in the city of Rome, he ordered them all to be noted and to be exhibited at his baths, and he bathed with the same, some even of respectable rank.

7 Gladiatores ante convivium pugnantes sibi et pyctas frequenter exhibuit. 8 Stravit sibi triclinium in summo lusorio et, dum pranderet, noxios et venationes sibi exhibuit. 9 Parasitis in secunda mensa saepe ceream cenam, saepe ligneam, saepe eburneam, aliquando fictilem, nonnumquam vel marmoream vel lapideam exhibuit, ita ut omnia illis exhiberentur videnda de diversa materia, quae ipse cenabat, cum tantum biberent per singula fercula et manus, quasi comedissent, lavarent.

7 He frequently had gladiators and pyctae (boxers) fighting before the banquet exhibited for him. 8 He spread out for himself a triclinium on the top of a pleasure-boat, and, while he lunched, he had condemned men and beast-hunts exhibited for him. 9 To his parasites at the second course he often displayed a waxen dinner, often a wooden one, often an ivory one, sometimes a clay (fictile) one, and now and then even a marble or a stone one, such that everything which he himself was dining upon was presented to them to be seen, made from different material, while they merely drank for each course and washed their hands as if they had eaten.

XXVI. 1 Primus Romanorum holoserica veste fertur, cum iam subsericae in usu essent. Linteamen lotum numquam attigit, mendicos decens qui lineis lotis uterentur.

26. 1 He is reported to have been the first of the Romans to wear a holoseric garment, when subseric ones were already in use. He never touched washed linen, deeming it fitting for mendicants who made use of washed linens.

2 Dalmaticus in publico post cenam saepe visus est, Gurgitem Fabium et Scipionem se appellans, quod cum [cum] ea veste esset, cum qua Fabius et Cornelius a parentibus ad corrigendos mores adulescentes in publicum essent producti. 3 Omnes de circo, de theatro, de stadio et omnibus locis et balneis meretrices collegit in aedes publicas et apud eas contionem habuit quasi militarem, dicens eas commilitiones, disputavitque de generibus schematum et voluptatum. 4 Adhibuit in tali contione postea lenones, exsoletos undique collectos et luxuriosissimos puerulos et iuvenes.

2 The Dalmaticus was often seen in public after dinner, calling himself Fabius Gurges and Scipio, because he was in that garment with which Fabius and Cornelius, when adolescents, had been brought out into public by their parents to correct their morals. 3 He gathered all the meretrices from the circus, the theater, the stadium, and from all places and the baths into public buildings and held among them an assembly as if military, calling them fellow-soldiers, and he discoursed about the kinds of schemata and pleasures. 4 At such an assembly he afterward admitted pimps (lenones), exsoleti collected from everywhere, and the most dissolute little boys and youths.

5 Et cum ad meretrices muliebri ornatu processisset papilla eiecta, <ad> exoletos habitu puerorum, qui prostituuntur, post continuum pronuntiavit his quasi militibus ternos aureis donativum petitque ab his, ut a dis peterent, ut alios haberet ipsis commendandos. 6 Iocabantur sane ita cum servis, ut eos iuberet millena pondo sibi aranearum deferre proposito praemio, collegisseque dicitur decem milia pondo aranearum, dicens et hinc intellegendum, quam magna esset Roma. 7 Mittebat parasitis pro cellario salaria annua vasa cum ranis et scorpiis et cum serpentibus et huiusmodi monstris.

5 And when he had advanced to the meretrices in womanly attire, with his breast thrust out, to the exoleti in the garb of boys who are prostituted, afterwards, straightway he proclaimed to these, as if to soldiers, a donative of three aurei apiece, and he asked of them that they would ask from the gods that he might have others to be commended to them. 6 They used indeed to jest thus with the slaves, that he would order them to bring to him a thousand pounds by weight of spiders, with a reward set forth; and he is said to have collected ten thousand pounds of spiders, saying that from this too it should be understood how great Rome was. 7 He used to send to parasites, in lieu of a pantry salary, yearly vessels with frogs and scorpions and with serpents and monsters of that sort.

8 Claudebat in cuiuscemodi vasis infinitum muscarum, apes mansuetas eas appellans.

8. He used to shut up in vessels of whatever sort an infinite number of flies, calling them tame bees.

XXVII. 1 Quadrigas circensium in tricliniis et in porticibus sibi semper exhibuit pransitans et cenitans, convivas senes agitare cogens, nonnullos honoratos. 2 Iam imperator iubebat sibi et decem milia murum exhiberi, mille mustelas, mille sorices.

27. 1 He always had four-horse chariots of the circus exhibited for himself in dining rooms and in porticoes while lunching and dining, compelling the guests, old men, to drive, some of them honored men. 2 Now as emperor he would order for himself even ten thousand mice to be produced, a thousand weasels, a thousand shrews.

3 Dulciarios et lactarios tales habuit, ut, quaecumque coqui de diversis edulibus exhibuissent vel structores vel pomarii, illi modo de dulciis modo de lactariis exhiberent. 4 Exhibuit parasitis cenas et de vitreis et nonnumquam tot picta mantelia in mensam mittebat, his edulibus picta quae adponerentur, quot missus esset habiturus, ita ut de acu aut de textili pictura exhiberentur. 5 Nonnumquam tamen et tabulae illis pictae exhibebantur, ita ut quasi omnia illis exhiberentur et tamen fame macerarentur.

3 He had confectioners and dairymen of such a sort that whatever the cooks had presented from diverse edibles, whether the arrangers or the fruiterers, those men would present them now from sweets, now from dairy-produce. 4 He put on dinners for parasites even of glass, and sometimes he would send onto the table so many painted tablecloths, painted with those edibles which were to be set on, as many as the courses he was going to have, such that they were displayed by needlework or by textile picture. 5 Sometimes, however, painted panels were also exhibited to them, so that as if everything were being served to them and yet they were being wasted by hunger.

6 Miscuit gemmas pomis ac floribus. Iecit et per fenestram cibos totidem, quot exhibuit amicis. 7 Iusserat et canonem p. R. unius anni meretricibus, leonibus, exoletis intramuranis dari, extramuranis alio promisso, cum eo tempore iuxta provisionem Severi et Bassiani septem annorum canon frumentarius Romae esset.

6 He mixed gemstones with fruits and flowers. He also threw through the window as many foods as he had displayed to his friends. 7 He had ordered that the canon of the Roman People (P.R.) of one year be given to meretrices, to lions, and to intramural exoleti, with another promise for the extramurals, when at that time, according to the provision of Severus and Bassianus, in Rome the frumentary canon was of seven years.

XXVIII. 1 Canes quaternos ingentes iunxit ad currum et sic est vectatus intra domum regiam, idque privatus in agris suis fecit. 2 Processit in publicum et quattuor cervis iunctis ingentibus.

28. 1 He yoked four enormous dogs to a chariot and thus was conveyed within the royal house, and he did this as a private citizen in his own fields. 2 He proceeded into public with four enormous stags yoked.

Iunxit sibi et leones, Matrem magnam se appellans. Iunxit et tigres, Liberum sese vocans eodem habitu agens, quo dii pinguntur, quos imitabatur. 3 Aegyptios dracunculos Romae habuit, quos illi agathodaemonas vocant.

He also yoked lions to himself, calling himself the Great Mother. He yoked tigers as well, styling himself Liber, acting in the same attire in which the gods whom he was imitating are painted. 3 He had Egyptian dracunculi at Rome, which they call Agathodaemons.

Habuit et hippopotamos et crocodillum et rhinocerotem et omnia Aegyptia, quae per naturam sui exhiberi poterant. 4 Struthocamelos exhibuit in cenis aliquotiens, dicens praeceptum Iudaeis, ut ederent. 5 Illud sane mirum videtur, quod dicitur ab eo factum ut de croco sigma straverit, cum summos viros rogasset ad prandium, pro eorum dignitate se dicans fenum exhibere.

He also had hippopotamuses and a crocodile and a rhinoceros and all the Egyptian creatures which by their nature could be exhibited. 4 He showed ostriches at dinners several times, saying there was a precept for the Jews that they should eat them. 5 That indeed seems marvelous which is said to have been done by him: that he spread a sigma with saffron, when he had invited the highest men to lunch, saying that, in proportion to their dignity, he was offering hay.

6 Transegit et dierum actus noctibus et nocturnos diebus, aestimans hoc inter instrumenta luxuriae, ita ut sero de somno surgeret et salutari inciperet, mane autem dormire inceptaret. Amicis cottidie <largiebatur> nec quemquam facile indonatum relinquebat, nisi quem frugi quasi perditum repperisset.

6 He also transposed the doings of days to nights and the nocturnal to days, reckoning this among the instruments of luxury, such that he rose late from sleep and began to receive salutations, while in the morning he would begin to sleep. To his friends he bestowed largess daily, nor did he easily leave anyone without a gift, unless he had found him frugal, as though a ruined man.

XXIX. 1 Habuit gemmata vehicula et aurata contemptis argentatis et eboratis et aeratis. 2 Iunxit et quaternas mulieres pulcherrimas et binas ad pabillum vel ternas et amplius et sic vectatus est, sed plerumque nudus, cum illum nudae traherent.

29. 1 He had gem-studded vehicles and gilded ones, the silvered and the ivory and the bronze being despised. 2 He also yoked by fours the most beautiful women, and pairs to the yoke-pin, or by threes and more, and so he rode, but for the most part naked, while naked women dragged him.

3 Habuit et hanc consuetudinem, ut octo calvos rogaret ad cenam et item octo luscos etitem octo podagrosos, octo surdos, octo nigros, octo longos et octo pingues, cum capi non possent uno sigmate, ut de his omnibus risus citaret. 4 Donavit et argentum omne convivis, quod habuit in convivio, et omnem apparatum poculorum, idque saepius. 5 Hydrogarum Romanorum ducum primus publice exhibuit, cum antea militaris mensa esset, quam postea statim Alexander reddidit.

3 He had also this consuetude, to invite eight bald men to dinner and likewise eight one‑eyed men, and likewise eight gouty, eight deaf, eight black men, eight tall, and eight fat, since they could not be contained on one sigma‑couch, so that he might elicit laughter from all these. 4 He also donated all the silver to the convives which he had at the banquet, and the whole apparatus of cups, and that rather often. 5 He was the first to exhibit publicly hydrogarum for the Roman leaders, whereas previously it had been a military table, which Alexander afterwards immediately gave back.

6 Proponebat praeterea his quasi themata, ut iura nova dapibus condiendis invenirent, et cuius placuisset commentum, ei dabat maximum praemium, ita ut sericam vestem donaret, quae tunc et in raritate videbatur et in honore; 7 si cuius autem displicuisset, iubebat, ut semper id comesset, quamdiu tamen melius inveniret. 8 Semper sane aut inter flores sedit aut inter odores pretiosos. 9 Amabat sibi pr[a]etia [rerum] maiora dici earum rerum, quae mensae parabantur, orexin convivio hanc esse adserens.

6 He further proposed to them, as it were, themes, so that they might find new sauces for seasoning banquets; and whose contrivance had pleased him, to him he gave the greatest prize, to such a degree that he bestowed a silken garment, which at that time seemed both rare and honorable; 7 but if someone’s had displeased, he ordered that he should always eat that, until, however, he might find something better. 8 He always, to be sure, sat either among flowers or among precious odors. 9 He liked to have higher prices of the things prepared for the table told to him, asserting that this was appetite at a banquet.

XXX. 1 Pinxit se ut coppedinarium, ut seplasiarium, ut popinarium, ut tabernarium, ut lenonem, idque totum domi semper et exercuit. 2 Sescentorum strutionum capita una c[a]ena multis mensis exhibuit ad edenda cerebella.

30. 1 He portrayed himself as a coppedinarius (delicacy‑monger), as a seplasiary (perfumer), as a popinarius (cookshop‑keeper), as a tabernarius (shopkeeper), as a leno (pimp), and he always practiced all of that at home. 2 He displayed at a single dinner, to many tables, the heads of six hundred ostriches, for the eating of the little brains.

3 Exhibuit aliquando et tale convivium, ut haberet viginti et duo fercula ingentium epularum, sed per singula lavarent et mulieribus uterentur et ipse et amici cum iure iurando, quod efficerent voluptatem. 4 Celebravit item tale convivium, ut apud amicos singulos singuli missus appararentur et, cum alter maneret in Capitolio, alter in Palatio, alter super aggerem, alter in Caelio, alter trans Tiberim et ut quisque mansisset, tamen per ordinem in eorum domibus singula fercula ederentur ireturque ad omnium domos. 5 Sic unum convivium vix toto die finitum est, cum et lavarent per singula fercula et mulieribus uterentur.

3 He once also exhibited such a convivium, as to have twenty-two courses of enormous banquets, but between each they would wash and make use of women—both he and his friends—with a sworn oath that they would effect voluptuous pleasure. 4 He likewise celebrated such a convivium, that at each friend’s house single courses (missūs) were prepared, and, though one stayed on the Capitol, another on the Palatine, another upon the agger (embankment), another on the Caelian, another across the Tiber, yet, wherever each had his lodging, nevertheless in order the individual dishes would be eaten in their homes and there would be going to the houses of all. 5 Thus one convivium was scarcely finished in a whole day, since they would both wash between each course and make use of women.

6 Sybariticum missum semper exhibuit ex oleo et garo, quem quo anno Sybaritae reppererunt, et perierunt. 7 Dicitur et balneas fecisse multis locis ac semel lavisse atque statim destruxisse, ne ex usu balneas haberet. Hoc idem de domibus, de praetoriis, de zetis fecisse dicitur.

6 He always served a Sybaritic course made of oil and garum, which, in the very year in which the Sybarites discovered it, they also perished. 7 He is also said to have made baths in many places and to have bathed once and immediately destroyed them, lest he should have baths that were put to use. The same is said to have been done with houses, with praetoria, and with zetas.

8 Sed et haec &et alia> nonnulla fidem transeuntia credo esse ficta ab his, qui gratiam Alexandri Heliogabalum deformare voluerunt.

8 But even these and some other things passing beyond credibility I believe to be fictions, made up by those who wished to deform the favor of Alexander by means of Heliogabalus.

XXXI. 1 Fertur et meretricem notissimam et pulcherrimam redemisse centum sestertiis eamque intactam velut virginem coluisse. 2 Huic eidem privato cum quidam diceret "Non times pauper fieri?", dixisse dicitur : "Quid melius quam ut ipse mihi heres sim et uxori meae?" 3 Habuerat praeterea facultates a multis dimissas gratia patris.

31. 1 It is reported also that he redeemed a most well-known and most beautiful courtesan for one hundred sesterces, and kept her untouched as if a virgin. 2 To this same man, in private, when someone said, "Do you not fear to become poor?", he is said to have replied : "What is better than that I myself be heir to myself and to my wife?" 3 He had, moreover, resources bestowed by many through his father’s favor.

idem filios se nolle dicebat, ne quis frugi contingeret. 4 Odores Indicos sine carbonibus ad vaporandas zetas iubebat incendi. Iter privatus numquam minus sexaginta vehiculis fecit avia sua Varia reclamante, quod omnia perditurus esset; 5 imperator vero etiam sescenta vehicula dicitur duxisse, adserens decem milibus camelorum Persarum regem iter facere et Neronem quingentis carrucis iter inisse.

the same said that he did not wish for sons, lest any should turn out frugal. 4 He used to order Indian perfumes to be kindled without coals for steaming the zetas. As a private person he never made a journey with fewer than 60 vehicles, his grandmother Varia protesting that he would lose everything; 5 as emperor he is said even to have led 600 vehicles, asserting that the king of the Persians makes a journey with 10,000 camels and that Nero set out on a journey with 500 coaches.

6 Causa vehiculorum erat lenonum, lenarum, meretricum, exoletorum, subactorum etiam bene vasatorum multitudo. 7 In balneis semper cum mulieribus fuit, ita ut eas ipse psilothro curaret, ipse quoque barbam psilothro accurens, quodque pudendum dictu sit, eodem quo mulieres accurabantur et eadem hora; rasit et virilia subactoribus suis ad novaclum manu sua, quo postea barbam fecit. 8 Scobe auri porticum stravit et argenti dolens, quod non posset et electri, idque frequenter quamcumque fecit iter pedibus usque ad equum vel carpentum, ut fit hodie de aurosa harena.

6 The reason for the vehicles was the multitude of pimps, procuresses, prostitutes, catamites, and even active partners, well-hung. 7 In the baths he was always with women, such that he himself tended them with depilatory, he himself too closely shaving his beard with depilatory—and, what is shameful to say, in the very same place where the women were attended and at the same hour; he also shaved the genitals of his active partners down to the razor’s edge with his own hand, with which afterward he did his beard. 8 He strewn the portico with filings of gold and of silver, lamenting that he could not also of electrum (amber); and this he did frequently whenever he made a journey on foot as far as the horse or the carriage, as is done today with aurous sand.

XXXII. 1 Calciamentum numquam iteravit, anulos etiam negatur iterasse; pretiosas vestes saepe conscidit. Ballenam cepit et appendit atque ad eius aestimationem ponderis pisces amicis exhibuit.

32. 1 He never repeated footwear; it is even said that he never repeated rings; he often cut up precious garments. He captured a whale and weighed it, and, according to the estimation of its weight, he presented fish to his friends.

2 Naves onustas mersit in portum, magnanimitatis hoc esse dicens. Onus ventris auro excepit, in myrrinis et onychis minxit. 3 Idem dixisse fertur : "Si habuero heredem, dabo illi tutorem, qui illum haec facere cogat, quae ipse feci facturusque sum". 4 Habuit etiam istam consuetudinem, ut cenas sibi exhiberet tales, ut una die nonnisi de fasianis totum ederet omnesque missus sola fasianorum carne strueret, item alia die de pupillis, alia de pisce illo et item illo, alia de porcis, alia de strutionibus, alia de holeribus, alia de pomis, alia de dulciis, alia de opere lactario.

2 He sank ships laden down in the harbor, saying this was magnanimity. He received the burden of the belly in gold, and he urinated in murrhine and onyx vessels. 3 The same is said to have said : "If I shall have an heir, I will give him a guardian, who may compel him to do these things which I myself have done and am going to do". 4 He had also this custom, to set before himself such dinners that on one day he would eat nothing except from pheasants, and would arrange all courses with only the flesh of pheasants; likewise on another day from young fowl, on another from this fish and likewise that one, on another from pigs, on another from ostriches, on another from vegetables, on another from fruits, on another from sweets, on another from dairy-work.

5 Saepe amicos suos cum Aethiopibus aniculis inclusit nocturnis mansionibus et usque ad lucem detinuit, cum pulcherrimas his diceret apparatas. 6 Fecit hoc idem etiamde pueris et tunc, ante Philippum utpote, licebat. 7 Ridebat autem sic nonnumquam, ut publice in theatro solus audiretur.

5 Often he enclosed his friends with Ethiopian little old women in nocturnal lodgings and detained them until dawn, while saying that the most beautiful ones had been prepared for them. 6 He did this same thing also with boys, and then, before Philip, indeed, it was permitted. 7 Moreover, he sometimes laughed in such a way that, publicly in the theater, he alone was heard.

8 Ipse cantavit, saltavit, ad tibias dixit, tuba cecinit, pandurizavit, organo modulatus est. 9 Fertur et una die ad omnes circi et theatri et amphitheatri et omnium urbis locorum meretrices textus cucullione mulionico, ne agnosceretur, ingressus, cum tamen omnibus meretricibus sine affectu libidinis aureos donaret addens : "Nemo sciat, Antoninus haec donat".

8 He himself sang, danced, declaimed to the pipes, sounded the trumpet, played the pandura, performed on the organ. 9 It is reported also that one day he entered, clad in a muleteer’s hooded cloak so as not to be recognized, to the prostitutes of the circus and the theater and the amphitheater and of all the places of the city, while nevertheless he was giving aurei to all the prostitutes without any affect of lust, adding: "Let no one know, Antoninus gives these".

XXXIII. 1 Libidinum gerena quaedam invenit, ut spinthrias veterum (i)m(per)atorum vinceret, et omnis apparatus Tiberii et Caligulae et Neronis norat. 2 Et praedictum eidem erat a sacerdotibus Syris biothanatum se futurum.

33. 1 He invented certain genera of lusts, so that he might outdo the spinthriae of the emperors of old, and he knew all the apparatus of Tiberius and Caligula and Nero. 2 And it had been foretold to him by Syrian priests that he would be biothanatus, one destined to die by violence.

3 Paravereat igitur funes blatta et serico et cocco intortos, quibus, si necesse esset laqueo, vitam finiret. 4 Paraverat et gladios aureos, quibus se occideret, si aliqua vis urgeret. 5 Paraverat et in cerauneis et in hyacinthis et in smaragdis venena, quibus se interimeret, si quid gravius inmineret.

3 He had therefore prepared ropes twisted with purple-dye, silk, and scarlet, with which, if it were necessary by a noose, he might finish his life. 4 He had also prepared golden swords, with which he might kill himself, if some force pressed. 5 He had also prepared poisons in ceraunians and in hyacinths and in emeralds, with which he might do away with himself, if anything more grievous should threaten.

6 Fecerat et latissimam turrem substratis aureis gemmatisque ante se tabulis, ex qua se praecipitaret, dicens etiam mortem suam pretiosam esse debere et ad speciem luxuriae, ut diceretur nemo sic perisse. Sed nihil ista valuerunt. 7 Nam, ut diximus, et occisus est per scutarios et per plateas et sordidissime per cloacas ductus et in Tiberim submissus est.

6 He had also made a very broad tower, with golden and jewel-inlaid panels laid beneath before it, from which he might precipitate himself, saying that even his death ought to be precious and for the spectacle of luxury, so that it would be said that no one had perished thus. But those things availed nothing. 7 For, as we have said, he was both slain by shield-bearers and dragged through the streets and most sordidly through the sewers, and he was let down into the Tiber.

8 Hic finis Antoninorum nomini in re p. fuit, scientibus cunctis istum Antoninum falsum fuisse quam nomine.

8 Here was the end of the Antonines’ name in the republic, with all knowing that this Antoninus was spurious, only in name.

XXXIV. 1 Mirum fortasse cuipiam videatur, Constantine venerabilis, quod haec clades, quam rettuli, loco principum fuerit, et quidem prope triennio: ita nemo inre p. tum fuit, qui istum a gubernaculis Romanae maiestatis abduceret, cum Neroni, Vitellio, Caligulae ceterisque huius modi numquam tyrannicida dufuerit. 2 Sed primum omnium ipse veniam peto, quod haec, quae apud diversos repperi, litteris tradidi, cum multa improba reticuerim et quae ne dici quidem sine maximo pudore possunt; 3 ea vero, quae dixi, praetextu verborum adhibito, quantum potui, texi.

34. 1 It may perhaps seem marvelous to someone, Venerable Constantine, that this disaster, which I have related, was in the place of princes, and indeed for nearly three years: so there was at that time no one in the commonwealth who would draw that man away from the helm of Roman majesty, whereas for Nero, Vitellius, Caligula, and the others of this kind there was never lacking a tyrannicide. 2 But first of all I myself ask pardon, because I have handed down in writing these things which I found among various authors, although I have kept silent about many wicked things and things which cannot even be said without the greatest shame; 3 and those things, indeed, which I did say, with a cloak of words applied, so far as I could, I covered.

4 Deinde illud, quod clementiam tua solet dicere, credidi, esse respiciendum : "Imperatorem esse fortunae est." 5 Nam et minus boni reges fuerunt et pessimi. Agendum vero, quod pietas tua solet dicere, ut sint imperio digni, quos ad regenmdi necessitatem vis fatalis adduxerit. 6 Et quoniam hic ultimus Antoninorum fuit neque postea hoc nomen in re p. loco principum frequentatum est, etiam illud addendum est, ne quis error oriatur, cum duos Gordianos narrare coepero, patrem et filium, qui se de Antoninorum genere dici volebant : non nomen in illis primum fuit sed praenomen; 7 deinde, ut in plerisque libris invenio, Antoni dicti sunt, non Antonini.

4 Then that point which Your Clemency is wont to say, I believed must be looked to : "To be emperor is a matter of fortune." 5 For there have been both less-good kings and the worst. And indeed it must be done, as Your Piety is wont to say, that those be worthy of imperium whom the fated force has brought to the necessity of ruling. 6 And since this man was the last of the Antonini and afterward this name was not frequent in the commonwealth in the place of princes, this too must be added, lest any error arise, when I begin to narrate the two Gordians, father and son, who wished to be said to be from the stock of the Antonini : it was not the nomen in them first but the praenomen; 7 then, as I find in most books, they were called Antoni, not Antonini.

XXXV. 1 Haec sunt de Heliogabalo, cuius vitam me invitum et retractantem ex Graecis Latinisque collectam scribere ac tibi offere voluisti, cum iam aliorum ante tulerimus. 2 Scribere autem ordiar, qui post sequentur.

35. 1 These are the things about Heliogabalus, whose life, with me unwilling and drawing back, collected from Greek and Latin sources, you wished me to write and to offer to you, since we have already brought forth those of others before. 2 Moreover I shall begin to write those who will follow after.

quorum Alexander optimus et cum cura dicendus est annorum tredecim princeps, semestres alii et vix annui et bimi, Aurelianus praecipuus et horum omnium decus auctor tui generis Claudius. 3 De quo vereor ad clementiam tuam scribens vera dicere, ne malivolis adulator videar esse, sed absolvar contra livorem inproborum, cum et apud alios clarum esse perspexerint. 4 His iungendi sunt Diocletianus, aurei parens saeculi, et Maximianus, ut vulgo dicitur, ferrei, ceterique ad pietatem tuam.

of whom Alexander is the best and to be spoken of with care, a princeps of thirteen years; others of six months, and scarcely of one year, and of two years; Aurelian outstanding, and the ornament of all these, the founder of your lineage, Claudius. 3 About him I fear, as I write to your Clemency, to speak truths, lest I seem to be a flatterer to the ill-disposed; but I shall be absolved against the ill-will of the wicked, since they too have perceived that he is renowned among others. 4 To these must be joined Diocletian, the parent of the golden age, and Maximian—of iron, as it is commonly said—and the rest down to your Piety.

5 Te vero, Auguste venerabilis, multis paginis isdemque disertioribus illi prosequentur, quibus id felicior natura detulerit. 6 His addendi sunt Licinius, Severus, Alexander atque Maxentius, quorum omnium ius in dicionem tuam venit, sed ita ut nihil eorum virtuti derogetur. 7 Non enim ego id faciam, quod plerique scriptores solent, ut de his detraham, qui victi sunt, cum intellegam gloriae tuae accedere, si omnia de illis, quae bona in se habuerint, vera praedicaro.

5 As for you, venerable Augustus, those to whom nature has more happily conferred that gift will attend you with many pages, and those more eloquent. 6 To these must be added Licinius, Severus, Alexander, and Maxentius, the right of all of whom came into your dominion, but in such a way that nothing is derogated from their virtue. 7 For I will not do that which most writers are accustomed to do, namely to detract from those who have been conquered, since I understand that it accrues to your glory if I proclaim as true all the good things about them which they have had in themselves.