Forsett: Act II

CROBOLUS Quid censes, mea Tuscidilla, nonne conditum suaviter hoc convivium
dedimus? Una cum esca hamum voravit, iamque mea est Lydia. Tu cibos dulces,
ego blanda verba dedi.

CROBOLUS What do you think, my Tuscidilla, have we not sweetly seasoned this banquet
we set out? Along with the bait she swallowed the hook, and now Lydia is mine. You gave sweet foods,
I gave coaxing words.

TUSCIDILLA Vide, ne mihi verba des obsecro. Ne dicas me cibos dedisse: non 525
sat habes, quod amoris te vias omnes doceo; quin ut te tuamque alam postules?
Ne unum (daemones meos testor) obolum a me sumes unquam, nisi mutuo, idque
sub foenere: reponas mihi (priusquam ulterius progrediare) in hoc concavum
palmae meae, quas iam debes pro comeatu, minas binas.

TUSCIDILLA See that you do not give me mere words, I beseech. Do not say that I gave the foods: not 525
is it enough for you that I teach you all the ways of love? nay, will you even demand that I nourish you and yours?
Not a single (I call my demons to witness) obol will you ever take from me, unless as a loan, and that
at interest: pay back to me (before you proceed further) into this hollow
of my palm the two minas which you already owe for provisions.

Habebis a me semper
locum et iocum, sed audin'? Potum et focum suppeditabis ipse, si placet. Dicis 530
mihi nugas, "optima Tuscidilla, ' et "memoria te colam sempiterna." Sed ego non
video nummos. CRO.

You shall have from me always
place and joke, but d’you hear? drink and hearth you yourself will supply, if you please. You say 530
to me trifles, "most excellent Tuscidilla," and "memory everlasting I will cherish you." But I do not
see the money. CRO.

Ne tantillum unquam (honestissima hospes) tibi orietur a me damni, cog-
nita nostra fides toto foro est, mehi vero mille sunt modi pecunias corradendi.
Nam, ut omittam illam praeclarissimam rapiendi artem (quae domina est et 535
regina reliquarum omnium) ego legalem istam monetam (si desit) cudere
quidem ipse possum. Quin alias etiam plurimas fraudulentas artes teneo ad
unguem: Alchemia mea homines plumbeos in usum meum aureos efficit;
Magia promittendo aureos montes, infert in crumenam nostram argenteos
nummos; Urinariam artem practicando etiam aliquid possum emungere, in 540
qua nihil requiritur nisi lotio et potio.

May not even the tiniest bit (most honorable hostess) of loss ever arise to you from me,
our good faith is known in the whole forum, and truly I have a thousand modes of scraping together monies.
For, to omit that most illustrious art of rapine (which is the mistress and 535
queen of all the rest), I myself can mint that legal coinage (if it should be lacking)
indeed. Nay, I also hold very many other fraudulent arts to a nicety;
nicety: Alchemy my makes leaden men, for my use, golden;
Magic by promising golden mountains, brings into our purse silver
coins; by practicing the uroscopic art I can also squeeze out something, in 540
which nothing is required except urine and a potion.

Sed quid ais ad hanc parasiticam nostram
adulationis artem? Quae est ars artium et scientia scientiarum, qua iuvenes
generosos (ut mures aut muscas) capimus, hos ego mea irretitos amicita devoro
prorsus et absorbeo; cibus hi mihi et potus sunt, e quibus etiam (tanquam e
cellis promptuariis) depromo quod lubet. 545

TUS.

But what do you say to this our parasitic art of adulation?
which is the art of arts and the science of sciences, by which we catch
noble youths (like mice or flies); these, ensnared by my friendship, I utterly devour
and absorb; for me they are food and drink, and from them also (as from the
cells of a storeroom) I draw forth what I please. 545

TUS.

Promas igitur tandem quo solvas, quod promittis tam saepe.

Produce, then, at last, the wherewithal to discharge what you so often promise.

CRO. Cedo mihi ergo iam adolescentulum eiusmodi, eum tractabo eruditissime,
primo laudibus in coelum efferam, ac Iovem alterum efficiam, ex quo tentum mei
ardebit amore, ut sicut Iupiter olim Danaae in gremium, sic ille meas in manus
imbrem aureum immittat, tum prodigalitatis eum omnes partes docebo, quomodo 550
epulas luxuriantes paret, spectacula magnifica exhibeat, voluptates quasque
aucupetur, famulos famelicos expleat muneribus, me vero dominum suum ef-
ficiat. Hic si nummi forte deficiant, parabo sodalem aliquem mihi a consiliis, qui
fundos eius omnes haereditarios emat pretio perexiguo.

CRO. So then hand over to me now such an adolescent; I will handle him most eruditely,
first I will exalt him to heaven with praises, and make him a second Jove, and from then, smitten,
he will burn with love for me, so that just as Jupiter once into Danaë’s lap, so he may let a golden shower
fall into my hands; then I will teach him all the parts of prodigality, how he may 550
prepare luxuriant banquets, present magnificent spectacles, angle for every pleasure whatsoever,
fill his famished servants with gifts, and in truth make me his lord. Here, if perchance the coins
run short, I will procure for myself some crony for my counsels, who will buy all his hereditary estates
for a very exiguous price.

Sic ego et cum illo fundi
et cum isto pecuniarum particepero. 555

TUS. Novi satis fraudulentum esse te carnificem, itaque urgeo iam ut satisfacias.

Thus I too will be a co-sharer in the estate with that one,
and with this one in the monies. 555

TUS. I know well enough that you, hangman, are fraudulent; therefore I urge you now to make satisfaction.

Hoc enim praecavere mihi me movet. CRO. At nimium meticulosa es, viros solum, non foeminas fraudare soleo.

For this, in fact, impels me to take precautions for myself. CRO. But you are too timorous; I am wont to defraud men only, not women.

Huic
siquidem sexui fidus sum non tantum in speciem, sed intus, et in cute. Atque nunc
tibi ut reddam quod restat, alia iam id aggressus sum via. Nosti hunc futilem 560
paedagogum meum rivalem bene nummosum esse: istum statui astutiis omnibus
ad usus quosque meos penitus corrodere.

To this sex indeed I am faithful not only in appearance, but inwardly, and to the very skin. And now
so that I may render back to you what remains, I have already approached it by another way. You know this futile 560
pedagogue of mine, my rival, to be well-moneyed: that one I have resolved, by every astuteness,
to corrode utterly for each and every of my uses.

Sic et ille ad amores hosque persequ-
endos debilior fiet, et ego inimici mei sanguine saginabo. Inceptum est, spero,
aud incommode, exitus acta probabit. Sed quis hic strepitus?

Thus both he will become weaker for loves and for pursuing these,
and I will fatten myself on my enemy’s blood. The undertaking is begun, I hope,
not inopportunely, the outcome will prove the deeds. But what is this noise?

Tum domum re-
vertere, ego Pogglostum consequar, ut Tyrophagum agenda cuncta doceam. 565

Then re-
turn home, I will follow Pogglostus, so that I may teach Tyrophagus the whole agenda. 565

PEDANTIUS, DROMODOTUS, LUDIO, BLETUS

PEDANTIUS Adeste satellites et stipatores, circumcingite, circumvallate regem
vestrum. Sceptrum meum non metuite, sed defendite. Tibi, Blete, quanquam in-
genio haud nimis polles, tamen vim natura non negavit.

PEDANTIUS Be present, satellites and bodyguards, gird round, circumvallate your king
yours. My scepter do not fear, but defend. To you, Blete, although you are not overly strong in in-
genuity, nevertheless nature has not denied you force.

Tu autem astes huic, 570
Ludio, tanquam Teucer sub Aiacis clypeo. Nunc si in hoc ardore iracundiae meae
illum uspiam Catilinarium latronem hic aspicerem, ut ego oratorie inveherem in
illum verberibus! DROMODOUS Quod si illud individuum vagum mihi iam demonstrativum esset,
eum istoc academico telo vel ad centrum usque terrae deiicerem, et ultra si fieri 575
posset. Sed non potest, nam si forte praeterit ipsum medium, tamen remearet ad
centrum rursus moto quodam naturali reverberativo.

But you, stand by him, 570
Ludio, as though Teucer under the shield of Ajax. Now if in this blaze of my wrath
I should anywhere here behold that Catilinarian bandit, how I would oratorically inveigh
against him with blows! DROMODOUS But if that vague individual were now demonstrative for me,
with that academic missile I would cast him down even to the very center of the earth, and beyond if it could be 575
done. But it cannot; for if by chance he were to pass beyond the very middle, nevertheless he would return to
the center again, set in motion by a certain natural reverberative impulse.

PED. Ausus es, improbe, gigantum more, bellare cum diis? Non possumus spi-
ritus tuos debellare superbos? LUD.

PED. Have you dared, wicked man, in the manner of Giants, to wage war with the gods? Are we not able to subdue the proud—your spir-
its? LUD.

Praeceptor colendissime, idemque dignissime totius nostri exercitus imper- 580
ator, tuo semper sub vexillo lubens militabo: ita es in pace prudens, et in schola
doctus, et in bello fortis, et in acie formidabilis, vel formidandus.

Most revered Preceptor, and likewise most worthy commander of our whole army, 580
under your banner I will always gladly serve as a soldier: thus you are prudent in peace, and learned in the school,
and brave in war, and in the battle-line formidable, nay, to be feared.

PED. Audin' tu hunc puerulum, quam apposite quoad sensum, et figurate quoad
phrasim eloquatur? Mehercule amo hunc, ita me imitatur sedulo.

PED. Do you hear this little boy, how appositely as to sense, and figuratively as to phrasing, he speaks?
By Hercules, I love this one, he imitates me so sedulously.

Hic, hic est puer
aureus, albae gallinae filius, hunc haeredem scribam omnium librorum meorum, 585
praeter lexicon Nizolii, quod mecum sepeleri volo.
Sed tu, quaeso, qui physiognomon es, de pullis his meis profer iudicium tuum,
velut Zopyrus de Socrate, ut narrat Cicero meus. DRO.

Here, here is the golden boy,
the son of a white hen; this one I shall enroll heir of all my books, 585
except Nizolius’s lexicon, which I wish to bury with myself.
But you, I beg, who are a physiognomist, bring forth your judgment concerning these my chicks,
just as Zopyrus about Socrates, as my Cicero relates. DRO.

Quemadmodum (ut habetur in libello Praedicamentorum) quaedam in-
sunt, et non dicuntur de; alia dicuntur de, et non insunt in; alia et insunt in et 590
dicuntur de; alia nec insunt in, nec dicuntur de, ita in aliquibus inest ingenium, et
non apparet; in aliis apparet esse, et non est; in aliis nec apparet; in quibusdam
(quo foelici sydere nati sunt) et est, et apparet. Talis hic Ludio puer tuus. BLETUS Quid hic stamus tanquam asini otiosi?

In the same way (as it is held in the little book Praedicamentorum) certain things in-
here in, and are not said of; others are said of, and do not inhere in; others both inhere in and 590
are said of; others neither inhere in nor are said of; thus in some people talent is present, and
does not appear; in others it appears to be, and is not; in others it does not even appear; in certain
people (who were born under a more fortunate star) it both is and appears. Such is this boy of yours, Ludio. BLETUS Why are we standing here like idle asses?

Num huc convenimus ad abi-
gendas muscas? Aut hostis veniat aut nos abeamus: audivit fortasse furcifer me 595
hic adesse, qui sum in omnibus nocturnis vigiliis truculentissimus contra latro-
nes istos.

Did we convene here to
drive away flies? Either let the enemy come or let us depart: perhaps the gallows-rogue heard me 595
that I am here, I who am in all nocturnal vigils most truculent against those
brigands.

PED. Agite, quoniam scopulos praetervecti periculorum, esse iam in vado
videmur tranquillitatis, reportate iam domum denuo haec Achillea arma nostra;
et si ego vel st vel hem inclamavero, accurrite rursus pugnaturi tanquam pro 600
aris et focis. LUD.

PED. Come, since, having sailed past the crags of dangers, we now seem to be in the shoal of tranquility, carry back home now again these our Achillean arms; and if I should cry out either st or hem, run up again to fight as though for altars and hearths. 600
LUD.

Iupiter optimus maximus arceat, coerceat inimicos tuos. PED. Ausculta, obsecro, lepidas pueri elegantias; progredere.

Jupiter Optimus Maximus, may he ward off, may he coerce your enemies. PED. Listen, I beseech, to the charming elegancies of the boy; proceed.

LUD. Iupiter, inquam, iuvet te, Minerva minuat hostes quiscunque, Pallas ad
pallorem terreat, Mars et Mors pessumdent. Tantarra, Bownce.

LUD. Jupiter, I say, may he help you; may Minerva diminish whatever enemies; may Pallas to
pallor terrify, may Mars and Death sink them to ruin. Tantarra, Bownce.

PED. Euge, nihil supra; id est, i pede fausto. In hoc plures insunt Pedantii.

PED. Bravo, nothing higher; that is, go with an auspicious foot. In this, several pedantries are contained.

605

LUD. Nisi interdum blandulis istum delinirem verbis, nunquam abstineret a
verberibus. Nam utcunque fustim ignaviter, virgam certe vibrat utiliter valde.

605

LUD. Unless I sometimes soothe that fellow with little flattering words, he would never refrain from beatings. For though he handles the cudgel rather slothfully, he certainly brandishes the rod very effectively.

PED. Ludite.

LUD., BLE. Gratias.

BLE.

PED. Play.

LUD., BLE. Thanks.

BLE.

Quod si ultra tres plagas saeviat, conquerar matri. Illa iubebit patrem 610
meum: tum pater eum in ius vocabit coram iudice, qui flagellabit crumenam prae-
ceptoris. BLE.

But if he should rage beyond three blows, I will complain to mother. She will order my father 610
then father will call him into court before the judge, who will flagellate the teach-
er's purse. BLE.

Eamus, inquam, valete.

Let us go, I say, farewell.

PED. Nunc si te attentum, benevolum et docilem praebebis (quae tria neces-
sario requiruntur in auditore), exponam tibi cum universim omnes, tum sigil-
latim singulas (quas caelavi te hactenus) causas amoris nostri. 615

DRO.

PED. Now, if you will show yourself attentive, benevolent, and docile (which three are necessarily required in an auditor),
I will expound to you, both in general all, then severally each (which I have concealed from you until now), the causes of our love. 615

DRO.

Scio ignorationem causarum matrem esse erroris. Sed vide ne ponas non
causam pro causa, et apparens bonum pro vero bono; nam sicut stella cadens
(licet sit cadens), tamen non est stella, sic bonum apparens (etsi apparens) tamen
non est pronum. Praeambulis istis suppositis, incipe foeliciter.

I know that ignorance of causes is the mother of error. But see that you do not set a non-cause
for a cause, and the apparent good for the true good; for just as a falling star
(although it is falling), nevertheless it is not a star, so an apparent good (even if apparent) nevertheless
is not the good. With these preambles supposed, begin felicitously.

PED. Primum illud cognitum et perspectum habeas, me non titillantem illam et 620
lascivientem carnis libidinem, sed solam et meram honestatem sequi. Haec pauca
praemissa sint, ut occurratur cuidam tacitae obiectioni.

PED. First, have this known and clearly perceived: that I do not pursue that tickling and wantoning lust of the flesh, but follow only and mere honesty. These few things let be premised, so that a certain silent objection may be met. 620

DRO. Hic processus est methodicus et Aristotelicus, qui in Physicis primo,
quae non sint principa, et in Ethicis quid non sit foelicitas, ostendit, antequam
quid sit. Posito nunc ergo non causativo amoris tui, ordo postulat, ut verum eius 625
operativum dicas.

DRO. This process is methodic and Aristotelian, which in the Physics first shows what things are not principles, and in the Ethics what is not felicity, before what it is. Since now, then, the non-causative of your love has been set down, order demands that you state its true operative 625

Certa cupiditate sublata tollitur omne originale amoris:
nam nisi supponatur aliqua appetitibus, nulla relinquitur possibilitas unionis
cum obiecto.Hoc vult philosophia.

With a certain desire removed, every origin of love is taken away:
for unless something be posited beneath the appetites, no possibility of union
with the object.This is what philosophy intends.

ED. Laudes, quas mihi tribuis, in optimam partem interpretor. Quod ad alia
attinet, quae dixisti, sic habeto: non odisse me mulieres, quippe qui sciam esse
earum nobis mortalibus usum aliquem necessarium. Amo igitor fateor.

ED. The lauds which you attribute to me I interpret in the best sense. As for the other things
you said, take it thus: that I do not hate women, since indeed I know that there is some necessary use
of them for us mortals. I do love, I confess.

Non sum 630
enim e silice natus, aut tygride, sicut apud Virgilium Aeneas iudicio iratae
Didonis, vel potius Didûs, secundum Graecam declinationem: Sappho Sapphûs
per ûs circumflexum. Non autem amo secundum redundantiam iuvenilem, aut
in summo genere, sed (si quid ego iudicare possum) philosophice. Rationes
autem, quibus moveor, sunt quinque, vel potius sex.

I am not 630
in fact born from flint, or from a tiger, as in Virgil Aeneas in the judgment of irate
Dido, or rather of Didûs, according to the Greek declension: Sappho Sapphûs
with ûs circumflexed. I do not, however, love according to juvenile redundancy, or
in the highest kind, but (if I can judge anything) philosophically. The reasons
by which I am moved, moreover, are five, or rather six.

635

DRO. Non refert te numero; vide sint irrefragabiles. Sed Pythagoricum hoc
est, religiose et mystice numeros considerare; quorum quidam duodecim causas
(tanquam duodecim figurae Zodiaci) aestimant.

635

DRO. It does not matter to me that you number them; see that they be irrefragable. But this
is Pythagorean, to consider numbers religiously and mystically; of whom some estimate twelve causes
(as the twelve figures of the Zodiac) they estimate.

PED. Primo, scias velle me foelicem esse perfecte, quod omnino non fit, absque
hoc additamento vel corollario uxoris. 640

DRO.

PED. First, know that I wish to be perfectly in felicity, which altogether does not happen without this additament or corollary of a wife. 640

DRO.

Quasi vero virtus sola per se non sufficiens sit ad beatitudinem. At uxor
non est virtus ad minimum, fortasse etiam vitium. Foemina est naturae error sive
debilitas, quia natura semper intendit quod est perfectum et optimum.

As though indeed virtue alone by itself were not sufficient for beatitude. But a wife
is not a virtue at a minimum, perhaps even a vice. Woman is a mistake of nature or
a debility, because nature always intends what is perfect and optimal.

At mas est
praestantior. Ergo . . . PED. Secundo, decrevi aedes mihi comparare de proprio, in quibus materfami- 645
lias aliqua non minus necessaria est, quam campana in templo, aut lignum in
foco.

But the male is more preeminent.
Therefore . . . PED. Secondly, I have resolved to acquire a house for myself out of my own means, in which a materfami- 645
lias is no less necessary than a bell in a temple, or wood on the hearth.

DRO. Revera si oeconomiam spectemus rei familiaris, uxor causa est adiu-
vans aequaliter. Et familia est civitas principium ex quo, ut demonstrat philo-
sophus primo Politicorum.

DRO. Indeed, if we regard the economy of household affairs, a wife is a help-
ing cause equally. And the family is the beginning of the city from which, as the Philo-
sopher shows in the first of the Politics.

Iam, Pedanti, factus es politicus. 650

PED. Factus?

Now, Pedantius, you have become a politician. 650

PED. Made?

Imo natus: quem natura ipsa finxit oratorem. Bonus autem orator
est civitatis oraculum, teste oratorum oraculo Cicerone nostro. Sed pergam in
cursu instituto. Tertio, si aegrotarem aliquando, uxor est medicinale quiddam;
praesertim in febri, ubi sitis regnat.

Nay, rather, born: whom nature herself fashioned as an orator. Good however orator
is the oracle of the state, as our Cicero, the oracle of orators, bears witness. But I will proceed in
the instituted course. Thirdly, if I should ever be ill, a wife is something medicinal;
especially in fever, where thirst reigns.

DRO. Pestilentissima haec febris est, quae foeminam sitit. 655

PED.

DRO. This fever is most pestilential, which thirsts for a woman. 655

PED.

Quarto, nobis studiosis uxor medicamen est contra melancholiam et phren-
nesim, quae nobis imminet contemplationi deditis. DRO. Etiam ut contra plethoram sanguinis interdum, si saeviat.

Fourth, for us studious men a wife is a medicament against melancholy and phren-
esis, which threatens us who are devoted to contemplation. DRO. Also as against a plethora of blood at times, if it rages.

Sed haec esset
impropria praedicatio, si inferius sic praedicaretur de suo superiori.

But this would be an improper predication,
if the lower were thus predicated of its superior.

PED. Quinto, nisi fierem maritus, garrirent plebeii homines Pedantium esse eu- 660
nuchum. Vah!

PED. Fifth, unless I were to become a husband, plebeian men would chatter that Pedantius is a eu- 660
nuch. Bah!

Quod est falsissimum. Vah! DRO.

That is most false. Bah! DRO.

Haec ratio non est coactiva. Nam multi philosophi, qui non erant mari-
tati, fecerunt tamen opus naturalissimum, id est, generarunt sibi simile. Quod
eunuchis non competit, certe per se, sed bene forte per alium. Causa patet: nempe
propter defectum causae instrumentalis.

This rationale is not compelling. For many philosophers, who were not mar-
ried, nevertheless did the most natural work, that is, they generated their like. Which
does not befit eunuchs, certainly per se, but perhaps quite well through another. The cause is plain: namely
on account of a defect of the instrumental cause.

Ergo non sequitur a non uxorato ad 665
eunuchum. PED. Sexto, quid est per deos immortales (non possum enim me continere, quin
exclamem) aut ad utilitatem reipublicae commodius, aut ad voluptatem bonorum
omnium iucundius, aut ad gloriam nominis nostri splendidius, quam relinquere
seculis venturis veram et vivam imaginem Pedantii, haeredem virtutum mearum, 670
et istius prolem patris.

Therefore it does not follow from an unmarried man to 665
a eunuch. PED. Sixth, what is, by the immortal gods (for I cannot restrain myself from exclaiming), either more commodious to the utility of the republic, or more pleasant to the pleasure of all good men, or more splendid to the glory of our name, than to leave to the ages to come the true and living image of Pedantius, the heir of my virtues, 670
and the offspring of that father.

Denique quid oratori magis necessarium, quam lingua
promptum esse, quae nobis est prora et puppis? Coniugatus vero binas in
promptu habet linguas, unde et bilinguis iure optimo possit appellari. Addam
etiam brevem epilogum, in quo erunt tria haec, repetitio, petitio, pathos.

Finally, what is more necessary for an orator than that the tongue
be ready, which for us is the prow and the stern? A married man indeed has two
tongues ready at hand, whence also with the best right he could be called bilingual. I will add
also a brief epilogue, in which there will be these three things, repetition, petition, pathos.

Quare 675
si vel emolumenta nostra, vel reipublicae salutem respicias, valedicas huic
opinioni tuae. Ego quidem, quod at me attinet, sic statuo: vere enim mihi videor
esse dicturus, Hymenaeus meus deus; vel magis emblematice, aut uxor, aut
vexor.

DRO.

Wherefore 675
if you look either to our emoluments, or to the salvation of the republic, bid farewell to this
opinion of yours. As for me, so I determine: for I seem to myself to be about to speak truly,
Hymenaeus is my god; or, more emblematically, either a wife, or
I am vexed.

DRO.

Aethiopem lavo, hic capere non potest influentiam consilii mei, et amore 680
pungitur, namquam cauda draconis. Unicum hoc iam restat, ut cum impressio
tam profunde facta sit amoris in te (ut omnes partes et similares et dissimilares
laborent in eo), si non possis prorsus et simpliciter, saltem ut attenuate convert-
aris tamen, scilicet signa minora cape; si non secundum quantitatem, at secun-
dum aliquam externam apparentiam, ne vulgus id videat. 685

PED. Prudentiam ut sumam si suades, ea est in animo, quasi sanguis in cor-
pore: Apollo, Pallas, et Mercurius mihi sunt individui comites, quibus cerebrum
meum coelum est.

I wash an Ethiopian; this man cannot grasp the influence of my counsel, and he is pricked by love, namely like the tail of a dragon. This one thing now remains, that since the impression of love has been made so deeply in you (so that all parts, both similar and dissimilar, labor in it), if you cannot altogether and simply, at least that you may nevertheless be con-
verted in attenuated fashion, namely take the lesser signs; if not according to quantity, then according to some external appearance, lest the common crowd see it. 680

PED. If you advise that I take prudence, it is in the mind as blood in the body: Apollo, Pallas, and Mercury are to me indivisible companions, for whom my brain is heaven. 685

Quare non possum non prudens esse.

Therefore I cannot but be prudent.

DRO. Caute, caute, pro honore universitatis. PED.

DRO. Cautiously, cautiously, for the honor of the university. PED.

Imo et caste etiam. Quid ni? Nihil enim unquam admittam ego indignum 690
oratore aut philosopho. Sed viden' tu aedes illasce?

Nay, and chastely too. Why not? For I will never admit anything unworthy 690
of an orator or a philosopher. But do you see those buildings there?

Ibi habitat, quae in me habi-
tat, quarum parietes sunt me multo beatores, siquidem hi usque quaque Lydiam
complectuntur meam, quae fugit proterve me, sicut Apollinem Daphne olim. DRO. Et tu sic irrationalis es, ut ames, quae odit te?

There she inhabits, who in me habi-
tats, whose walls are much more blessed than me, since these on every side embrace my Lydia, who flees me insolently, as Daphne once did Apollo. DRO. And are you thus irrational, that you love her who hates you?

PED. O plumbeum pugionem! Quasi non non dixerim Apollinem idem fe- 695
cisse, quem ego praeposui mihi in omnibus imitandum.

PED. O leaden poniard! As though I had not said that Apollo had done the same 695
whom I have set before myself to be imitated in all things.

DRO. Sic igitur distinguo, idque ex sententia philosophi. Contrarium expetit
suum contrarium, verum est, idque non contingenter, sed catholice.

DRO. Thus therefore I distinguish, and that according to the judgment of the philosopher. The contrary seeks its own contrary, it is true, and this not contingently, but catholically.

At addendum
est tamen, non quatenus contrarium, sed medii gratia; nempe ut medium perven-
iatur, ut docet Aristoteles in Ethicis. 700

PED. Utinam, ut Lynceus olim, sic ego nunc parietes istos possem oculis pene-
trare, Lydiam meam quo cernerem quod agat. Sed o fors fortuna!

But it must be added
however, not insofar as it is the contrary, but for the sake of the mean; namely, so that the mean may be reach-
ed, as Aristotle teaches in the Ethics. 700

PED. Would that, as Lynceus once, so might I now be able to penetrate those walls with my eyes, so that I might discern what my Lydia is doing. But o chance, o fortune!

Mihi descen-
dendum est in solem et pulverem. DRO. Iam declinandum est extra Zodiacum rationis.

I must de-
scend into the sun and the dust. DRO. Now it must be declined outside the Zodiac of reason.

Ego abeo.

I go away.

PED. Nequaquam: spectator eris mearum pugnarum, dum ego hanc adorior, vel 705
adoro potius.

PED. Not at all: you will be the spectator of my battles, while I assail this one, or 705
rather I adore her.

LYDIA, PEDANTIUS, DROMODOTUS

LYDIA Postquam intus curata sint omnia, ut oportuit, libet iam paulisper de me-
arum successu rerum cogitare. 710

PEDANTIUS. Sic igitur aggredior bonis quod aiunt avibus.

LYDIA After everything inside has been attended to, as was proper, I now wish for a little while to think about the success of my af-
fairs. 710

PEDANTIUS. Thus then I proceed under good as they say auspices.

Etsi delector multum
suavitate sermonis tui (nam non vox hominem sonat, o dea certe), tamen cogor
hic propter angustias temporis reliquum amputare cursum orationis tuae. LYDIA Factum, o Fortuna, nequiter, quod istum obiecisti iam tam ineptum, tam
importunatum mihi. 715

PED.

Although I am much delighted
by the sweetness of your discourse (for the voice does not sound human, O goddess for sure), nevertheless I am compelled
here, on account of the straits of time, to cut off the remaining course of your oration. LYDIA Done, O Fortune, wickedly, that you have thrown this fellow in my way now so inept, so
importunate to me. 715

PED.

In tempore venis, quod omnium rerum est primum: adesdum, paucis te
volo. LYD. Etsi necquicuqm placeat, tamen cum inhumanam esse haud deceat, au-
diam quae loquatur.

You come in time, which is first of all things: come here, I want a few words with you.
LYD. Although it pleases me not at all, yet since it does not befit one to be inhuman, I will lis-
ten to what he says.

PED. Cogitanti mihi saepenumero, et memoria vetera repetenti, perbeati 720
(Lydia virgo) videri solent, qui et amare et amari foeliciter unquam potuerunt,
ita ut simul uno eodemque puncto temporis et amantes et amati esse posse
videantur. Nam (ut Peripatetici perhibent) amor omnis mutuus esse debet,
et reciprocus.

PED. As I often reflect, and in memory revisit old things, very blessed 720
(Lydia, maiden) seem to me those who have ever been able both to love and to be loved felicitously,
so that at the same one and the selfsame point of time both lovers and beloved to be able to be
they may seem. For (as the Peripatetics aver) every love ought to be mutual,
and reciprocal.

Quapropter, ut a thesi ad hypothesin veniamus, o flexanima
mea, flosque foeminarum, te per tuam pulchritudinem (qua nihil unquam vi- 725
dit sol splendidius) oro obtestorque, ut quoniam amor hos regit artus meos,
idem etiam tuum in sinum influat ad arctam magis copulationem nostrum (vel
"nostri") sic ut et tu in pectore meo, et ego in corpusculo tuo tabernaculum vitae
collocemus. LYD. Aliam reperias quaeso, quam illudas; ego id agam sedulo semper, ut 730
honesta sim, utcunque tibi videor.

Wherefore, that we may come from thesis to hypothesis, O my flexanimous one,
and flower of women, I beg and adjure you by your beauty (than which the sun has never 725
seen anything more splendid), that since Love rules these limbs of mine,
the same may also flow into your bosom toward a more close copulation of our “nostrum” (or
“nostri”), so that both you in my breast, and I in your little body, may place a tabernacle of life.
LYD. Find, I pray, another whom you may mock; I will always do this diligently, that I may be 730
honorable, however I seem to you.

DROMODOTUS Virgo (videtur enim nobis quod sic), fortasse non vides
ad imum et fundum eorum, quae dicta sint; eadem ego dicam planius: primo generaliter,
post specialiter. Generaliter sic: omnis homo (intellige autem non hunc aut illum,
sed ipsam speciem et universalitatem) est animal sociabile et congregabile natura. 735
Hoc tene.

DROMODOTUS Maiden (for it seems to us that so it is), perhaps you do not see
to the depth and bottom of the things that have been said; I will say the same more plainly: first generally,
afterwards specially. Generally thus: every man (understand, however, not this one or that,
but the very species and universality) is by nature a sociable and congregable animal. 735
Hold this.

Iam specialiter: unusquisque desiderans, optat ipsi desideratae omnem
suam quasi naturalitate, et id ipsum quid hominis communicare. Nunc ad applicati-
onem venio. Ergo hic amicus meus cupit ut sit inter vos non solum sociabilitas ista,
et confusa notio, sed etiam proximior relatio quaedam ad invicem (quae tum ef-
ficitur, cum essentia unius dependet ex altero), ita ut vos duo fiatis relata, non 740
tantum secundum dici, sed et secundum esse. Ad haec tibi etiam approximari
desiderat non modo per contactum virtualem, sed et localem. Praeterea coniungi
et coadunari in unum non contiguum, sed continuum. Ultimo, petit ut ex duobus nu-
mero differentibus fiat unum individuum, idque indissolubiliter combinatum.

Now specifically: each person, desiring, longs to communicate to the very desired one all his own, as it were, by naturalness, and that very whatness of man. Now I come to the applica-
tion. Therefore this my friend desires that there be between you not only that sociability, and a confused notion, but also a certain closer relation toward one another (which is then effected, when the essence of the one depends on the other), so that you two become correlates, not 740
only according to saying, but also according to being. To these he also desires to be brought near to you not only by virtual contact, but also local. Furthermore, to be joined and co-united into one not contiguous, but continuous. Lastly, he asks that from two differing in number there be made one individual, and that indissolubly combined.

PED. Quod si pectus meum fenestratum esset (quod Momus in homine exop- 745
tavit), cerneres tum, cerneres (inquam) fixam, haud fictam fidem, quae si oculis
cerneretur, mirabiles amores excitaret sui, ut ait Plato, sive quis alius. DRO.

PED. But if my breast were windowed (which Momus in man de- 745
sired), you would discern then, you would discern (I say) a fixed, not feigned faith, which, if it were seen with the eyes, would excite wondrous loves of itself, as Plato says, or someone else. DRO.

Quia nolo te hallucinari circa hunc amorem, quasi profectum ab in-
tentione vana ex parte amici mei, cognoscas nihil eum a te petere, vel contra
vel praeter honestatem. Quod sic arguitur ex sufficienti divisione: tu duplex es, 750
et constans ex duabus partibus, corpore et anima, ac corpus quidem (quod ne-
gari non potest) est amabilissimum (nam haec superficies dealbata candoris
tui valde disgregat visum nostrum). Sed tamen animam (quae est pars simpli-
cissima) simpliciter et propter se amat, corpus per accidens, et animae gratia. PED.

Because I do not want you to hallucinate about this love, as if it proceeded from a vain inten-
tion on the part of my friend, understand that he asks nothing of you, either against
or beyond honesty. This is argued thus from a sufficient division: you are twofold, 750
and consisting of two parts, body and soul; and the body indeed (which cannot be de-
nied) is most amiable (for this whitened surface of your radiance
greatly dazzles our sight). But nonetheless he loves the soul (which is the most
simple part) simply and for its own sake, the body per accidens, and for the soul’s sake. PED.

Anima tua omnes omnium amores in se complecitur, pro qua emori 755
nemo unquam bonus dubitabit.

Your soul embraces within itself all the loves of all, for which to die 755
no good man will ever hesitate.

LYD. Praestaret domum reverti me, quam hic irrideri facetiis. PED.

LYD. It would be preferable for me to return home, rather than to be derided here by facetious jests. PED.

Facetum esse me no eo inficias, sed nunc tamen postquam amor hic
ariete suo murum mentis meae percusserit, agitur serio (serenissima Lydia).
Vis ut tibi lacrymis et singultu convulsiones meas testificer? Ah virgo venefica 760
et incantrix animi mei! Distrahor, divellor, id est, in duas vellor partes, quarum
una est in conclavi corporis tui, altera repetit partem perditam, quam tu possides.

I do not deny that I am facetious, but now nevertheless, after this love
has struck the wall of my mind with its battering-ram, the matter is in earnest (most serene Lydia).
Do you wish that I testify to you my convulsions with tears and sobbing? Ah witch-maiden 760
and enchantrix of my soul! I am torn apart, I am rent asunder, that is, I am plucked into two parts, of which
one is in the chamber of your body, the other seeks back the lost part, which you possess.

Nam quanto primum illam tuam fascinantem faciem aspexi, statim mens mea
nescio quo correpta, impulsa, abrepta, afflata furore amatorio abiit, exit, evasit,
erupit e perturbato hoc domicilio, ad oras oris tui appulit, ubi formam divinam 765
et certe veram idaeam Platonicam contemplatur. Sola tu potes ab ista me
extasi liberare, si passura sis corpus me meum, quod hic est, coniungi rursus
animae meae, quae illic est. LYD.

For as soon as I first beheld that fascinating face of yours, straightway my mind
seized I know not whither, impelled, snatched away, and breathed upon by amatory fury, went off, went out, escaped,
burst forth from this disturbed domicile, made landfall at the shores of your mouth, where the divine Form 765
and surely the true Platonic Idea it contemplates. You alone can free me from that
ecstasy, if you will allow my body—my own—which is here, to be joined again
to my soul, which is there. LYD.

Quin potius auferas animam hinc denuo.

Why not rather take away your soul from here again?

PED. At tu me tenes ut viscus, et interficis ut basiliscus. 770

DRO. Sicut ferrum amovere se a magnete non potest, ita istius anima (quam
rapuit ad se attractiva vis vultus tui) recedere iam non valet rursus gradu ret-
rogrado. Amor in isto non accidentaliter sed essentialiter inest, ut evelli salvo
interim subiecto nequaquam possit.

PED. But you hold me like birdlime, and you slay me like a basilisk. 770

DRO. Just as iron cannot remove itself from a magnet, so that one’s soul (which the attractive force of your face has snatched to itself) now is not able to withdraw again by a ret-
rograde step. Love is in that man not accidentally but essentially, such that it can by no means be torn out, the subject meanwhile remaining safe.

Quare non debes te opponere huic ita dia-
metraliter (et tanquam in linea ecliptica) negando quod rogat. 775

PED. Intuere obsecro cum commiseratione quadam evisceratum hoc et ex-
angue corpus Pedantii tui, cuius cor tot patitur dolores, quot sunt in campo
flores.

Wherefore you ought not to oppose yourself to him so dia-
metrically (and as if on the ecliptic line) by denying what he asks. 775

PED. Behold, I beseech, with a certain commiseration, this eviscerated and ex-
anguine body of your Pedantius, whose heart suffers as many pains as there are in the field
flowers.

Splen (quod ridere facit) iam lamentabile sonat; iecur pusillum cor-
radit et corrodit aquila Promethei, seu Amor; intestina cupitatibus (quasi
Furiarum taedis ardentibus) incenduntur; ventriculus (sive superiorem sive 780
inferiorem spectes) aestuat ut clausis rabidus fornacibus ignis. Sic undique
amor tui astat, et instat tanquam Hannibal ad portas, ut iam nullum sit per-
fugium, nisi tu des refugium: te peto ut portum, ut aram, ut asylum, deniqu
ut patronam. Si deseris tu, perimus. DRO. Vides iam hunc te inexplicabiliter amare, et toto iecore, vel (ut vul- 785
gus dicit) toto corde; sed abusive, nam cogit amare iecur.

The spleen (which makes one laugh) now sounds lamentable; the tiny liver is scraped and corroded by the eagle of Prometheus, or by Love; the intestines are set on fire by desires (as if by the burning torches of the Furies); the stomach (whether you look at the upper or the lower) seethes like a rabid fire in closed furnaces. Thus on every side the love of you stands by and presses, like Hannibal at the gates, so that now there is no re -
fuge, unless you give a refuge: I seek you as a harbor, as an altar, as an asylum, finally as a patroness. If you desert us, we perish. DRO. You see now that he loves you inexplicably, and with his whole liver, or (as the vul - 785
gar say) with his whole heart; but abusively, for it is the liver that compels to love.

Quare ostendas
te vicissim huic esse correlativum, cordis enim relatio debet esse. Et qui
tangitur vero amore, debent ratione differre, non autem re: tractabilem vir-
ginem convenit esse primo et principaliter. Deinde doctus hic est, et magis-
traliter facundus.

Wherefore show
yourself in turn to be to this one a correlative, for there ought to be a relation of the heart. And those
who are touched by true love ought to differ in reason, not however in reality: it is fitting that a maiden
be tractable first and principally. Then this man is learned, and magisterially
eloquent.

Nam sicut in septentrione ursae septem sunt stellae, sic in 790
istius capite septem sunt scientiae, quarum harmonia aeque est musica, ac
melodia ipsa septem planetarum, secundum Pythagoram. LYD. Frustra laboratis, meos enim amores iam ante alter possidet.

For just as in the north the Bear has seven stars, so in this man’s head there are seven sciences, whose harmony is equally music as the very melody of the seven planets, according to Pythagoras. LYD. You labor in vain, for already another possesses my love.

PED. Proh deum atque hominum fidem! Ante rates causam?

PED. Good gods and the faith of gods and men! The case before the ships?

et mecum con-
fertur Crobolus, putridae carnis animal, terrae filius, infoelix reipublicae lolium, 795
cui vix dignus est in sentina locus; quem ego docebo, quid sit irruere in alienas
possessiones. Tu interim dum eripis animam isto modo mihi, et furti, et sacri-
legii (nam mens mea res divina est) et homicidii rea es. Sane quod olim dixit
iratus Achilles: corque meum penitus turgescit trisitibusiris. 800

DRO.

and with me is com-
pared Crobolus, a creature of putrid flesh, a son of the earth, the ill-starred darnel of the Republic, 795
for whom scarcely a place in the bilge is worthy; whom I will teach what it is to rush into another’s
possessions. You, meanwhile, while you snatch away my life from me in this fashion, are guilty of theft, and of sacri-
lege (for my mind is a divine thing), and of homicide. Truly, as once angry Achilles said:
and my heart deep within swells with sad wraths. 800

DRO.

Quid? Tuum hoc corpus aethereum ut illud lutum terrenum attingat? Ab-
surdum: quin potius sicut ex bovillo cadavere computrescente prodeunt vermes,
sic corruptio Croboli illius (qualis qualis sit) generatio sit Pedantii, de quo quoad
humilitatem vere dici potest (<non> quod sublunaris est, sed quod ad artes attinet)
supercoelestis est.

What? That your aethereal body should touch that earthy clay? Ab-
surd: nay rather, just as from a putrescing bovine cadaver worms come forth,
so the corruption of that Crobolus (whatever sort it be) should be the generation of Pedantius, about whom, as to humility, it can truly be said ( not that he is sublunar, but as concerns the arts)
he is supercelestial.

805

LYD. Mihi abeundum est, cum videam vos irasci tantopere. PED.

805

LYD. I must be going, since I see you so irate. PED.

Ah! Iam mitesco rursus. Nos cholerici et cito succensemus, et cito placa-
mur. O Phoenix unica orbis terrarum!

Ah! I now grow mild again. We choleric folk both are quickly incensed, and quickly placa-
ted. O Phoenix, sole Phoenix of the world!

Respice, non despice Pedantium, et vel uno
verbulo amabili laetitiam instilla febricitanti cordi meo. LYD. Convalescas ut lubet: me multa manent domi negotia [Exit.] 810

PED.

Look upon, do not despise Pedantius, and with even a single
amiable little word instill joy into my fever-stricken heart. LYD. Recover as you please; many affairs await me at home [Exit.] 810

PED.

Evanuit vero? Quid putem? Contemptumne me? Non video vel in mori-
bus, vel in rebus gestis, vel in hac mediocritate ingenii quid despicere stulta pos-
sit.

Has she truly vanished? What am I to think? Am I held in contempt? I do not see either in my mor-
als, or in my deeds, or in this mediocrity of genius what a foolish woman could de-
spise.

Dicam de te, Lydia, ut Hannibal de Phormione, multas vidi delirantes foem-
inas, at quae te deliraret magis, vidi neminem.

I will speak of you, Lydia, as Hannibal of Phormio: I have seen many women raving, but one who raved about you more, I have seen no one.

DRO. Imo te video delirare, qui vis hanc gravitatem tuam ferri sursum, seu 815
elevari in levitatem amatoriam, cum natura velit omne grave ferri deorsum PED. Mihi vero sic omnem abstulit animum, ut nesciam ens sim an non ens.

DRO. Nay, I see you raving, you who wish this your gravity to be carried upward, or 815
to be elevated into amorous levity, since nature wills that every heavy thing be borne downward PED. But to me indeed it has so taken away all mind, that I do not know whether I am a being or a non-being.

Sequere me.

Follow me.

TYROPHAGUS, CROBOLUS

TYROPHAGUS At quid si fraudes has nostras senserit? 821

CROBOLUS Quid si loquantur lapides, et videant postes? Hic quovis est obtus-
ior lapide, nec maioris negotii est istum fallere, quam ferire trunctum.

TYROPHAGUS But what if he detects these frauds of ours? 821

CROBOLUS What if stones should speak, and the doorposts should see? He is dull-
er than any stone, nor is it a matter of greater business to deceive this fellow than to strike a stump.

Tu me vel
nescire hic quid sit, vel ars nostra quid possit, putas? Hic vanus est, hic Narcissus
est, sui admirator inexplebilis. Cum ergo audierit Leonidam in honore et gratia 825
esse apud regem, eundemque obtinuisse, ut regiam iste prolem erudiat, laetus,
gloriosus facile credet, quod cupit; nullum dolum, nullas fallacias suspicabitur.

Do you think that I either
do not know what is going on here, or what our art can accomplish? This man is vain, this man is a Narcissus
is, an insatiable admirer of himself. Therefore, when he shall have heard that Leonidas is in honor and favor 825
with the king, and that he has likewise obtained that this fellow educate the royal offspring, joyful,
vainglorious he will readily believe what he desires; he will suspect no deceit, no fallacies.

Accinge iam itaque te. TYR. At metuo male, ne viginti minas, quas volumus, crediturus fidei meae
non sit, cum cognitus ei haudquaquam sim: et certi si nosceret, nequaquam cre- 830
deret. CRO.

Gird yourself now, then. TYR. But I badly fear, lest he will not be going to entrust twenty minas, which we want, to my faith,
since I am by no means known to him: and if he knew for certain, by no means would he cred- 830
it. CRO.

Vah, ubi est acumen tuum? Quasi vel velit vel audeat negare, quod Leo-
nidae postulatur nomine. Te vero indutum hac tunica satellitis regii, et fide et
honore dignissimum iudicabit.

Bah, where is your acumen? As if he would either wish or dare to deny what is requested in the name of Leo-
nidas. But you, clad in this tunic of a royal satellite, he will judge most worthy both of fidelity and of
honor.

Si non obtinueris, nil pericli, sin adeptus, par-
ticeps praedae eris. Eia igitur, age.

If you do not obtain it, no peril; but if you obtain it, you will be a par-
ticipant in the booty. Up then, come on.

TYR. Si vel viderit semel mores meos venustos, sermonis grandiloquentiam, 835
gestum corporis athleticum, vultum non macilentum et veternosum, sed flori-
dum et ventosum, proculdubio principis in aula me nutritum coniiciet. CRO.

TYR. If he even once sees my charming manners, the grandiloquence of my speech, 835
the athletic bearing of my body, a visage not gaunt and torpid, but flori-
d and windy, without a doubt he will conjecture that I was nurtured in the prince’s court. CRO.

Fac ut sentiat te aulicum esse revera, salutes hominem submisse, cur-
vato corpore, tibia altera porrecta retrorsum longissime, pleno cum complexu
brachiorum compelles magnificentissime, promittas summos quosque honores, 840
donec in officinam perductus fraudum tuarum, e rudi metallo in nummum legi-
timum cudatur. TYR. Incidisti in hominem capacissimum disciplinae huius.

Make him perceive you to be truly aulic, a courtier, greet the man submissively, cur-
ved body, with the other shin stretched backward as far as possible, with a full embrace
of the arms you will accost him most magnificently, you will promise each and every highest honors, 840
until, led into the workshop of your frauds, from raw metal he may be coined into a legi-
timate coin. TYR. You have fallen upon a man most capable of this discipline.

Veterator aut syco-
phanta me nemo doctior: gestit iam animus meus mihi aggredi hominem.

No one is more learned than me at being a trickster or syco-
phant: my mind already longs to accost the man myself.

CRO. Intellextin' tu non relevandam hanc artem nostram alchymicam? Extra- 845
henda est ei quinta essentia.

CRO. Did you understand that this our alchymic art is not to be relieved? The quintessence must be Extra- 845
cted from it.

TYR. Sine modo, ego eum tractabo astute et alchymice. CRO.

TYR. Just let me; I will handle him astutely and alchemically. CRO.

Incipe, ad appositum: ostium patet, invitat ultro te domus ipsa. Tu fac
ut dominum hunc suum suppositium evomat illico. Ego te domi meae hospitis
expectabo.

Begin, to the apposite point: the door stands patent, the house itself invites you unasked. You see to it that she at once vomit forth this suppositious master of hers. I will await you at the house of my host.

850

TYR. Eo. [Exit.]

850

TYR. I go. [Exit.]

CRO. Spero quidem iam id effecturum me, ut et iste sumptus nobis perpetuos
suggerat, et mihi deinceps faciliores sint ad Lydiam meam aditus, si istum istinc
abegero, qui iam nos, ut Argus, observat, inhians puellulae quasi praedae suae:
quem ego nunc ut praedam meam deglutiam. Sentiet stomachi nostri calor 855
quanto superet struthiocameli furnum.

CRO. I indeed now hope to effect this, that both that fellow may supply us with perpetual expenses,
and that thereafter the approaches to my Lydia may be easier for me, if I drive that one off from there,
who now, like Argus, observes us, gaping at the little girl as at his prey:
whom I will now gulp down as my prey. He will feel the heat of our stomach 855
how much it surpasses the ostrich’s furnace.

Nam certe concoquere hominem, et plane
absumere decrevi.
Pogglostum credo carcere conclusum aliquo, cum iam nusquam appareat. Reviso
quid hic agatur.

For certainly to concoct the man, and plainly
to consume him I have decided.
I believe Pogglostus enclosed in some prison, since now he appears nowhere. I will look back
to see what is being done here.