Juvenal: SATVRAE

Credo Pudicitiam Saturno rege moratam
in terris uisamque diu, cum frigida paruas
praeberet spelunca domos ignemque laremque
et pecus et dominos communi clauderet umbra,
siluestrem montana torum cum sterneret uxor

I believe Pudicity, with Saturn as king, lingered,
and was long seen upon the earth, when a cold
cave provided small homes, and both fire and Lar,
and enclosed both the herd and the masters in a common shade,
when the mountain wife spread the woodland couch

frondibus et culmo uicinarumque ferarum
pellibus, haut similis tibi, Cynthia, nec tibi, cuius
turbauit nitidos extinctus passer ocellos,
sed potanda ferens infantibus ubera magnis
et saepe horridior glandem ructante marito.

with leaves and straw and with the pelts of neighboring wild beasts,
not at all similar to you, Cynthia, nor to you, whose
bright little eyes a dead sparrow disturbed,
but bringing breasts to be drunk by large infants,
and often rougher, with her husband eructating acorns.

quippe aliter tunc orbe nouo caeloque recenti
uiuebant homines, qui rupto robore nati
compositiue luto nullos habuere parentes.
multa Pudicitiae ueteris uestigia forsan
aut aliqua exstiterint et sub Ioue, sed Ioue nondum

Indeed, differently then, in a new orb and a recent heaven
men lived, who, born from a split oak
or composed from clay, had no parents.
Many vestiges of ancient Pudicitia perhaps
even existed under Jove, but Jove not yet

barbato, nondum Graecis iurare paratis
per caput alterius, cum furem nemo timeret
caulibus ac pomis et aperto uiueret horto.
paulatim deinde ad superos Astraea recessit
hac comite, atque duae pariter fugere sorores.

with Jove not yet bearded,
nor yet were the Greeks prepared to swear by another’s head,
when no one feared a thief and they lived on cabbages and fruits and with the garden open.
little by little then Astraea withdrew to the gods above
with this as her companion, and the two sisters fled together.

anticum et uetus est alienum, Postume, lectum
concutere atque sacri genium contemnere fulcri.
omne aliud crimen mox ferrea protulit aetas:
uiderunt primos argentea saecula moechos.
conuentum tamen et pactum et sponsalia nostra

ancient and old is it, Postumus, to shake another’s bed
and to contemn the genius of the sacred bed-fulcrum.
every other crime the iron age soon produced:
the silver ages saw the first adulterers.
yet our covenant and pact and espousals

tempestate paras iamque a tonsore magistro
pecteris et digito pignus fortasse dedisti?
certe sanus eras. uxorem, Postume, ducis?

are you setting the season, and now are being combed by a master tonsor,
and perhaps you have given a pledge with your finger?
surely you were sane. are you taking a wife, Postumus?

dic qua Tisiphone, quibus exagitere colubris.
ferre potes dominam saluis tot restibus ullam,

tell by what Tisiphone, by which serpents you are harried.
can you bear any mistress, with so many ropes still intact,

cum pateant altae caligantesque fenestrae,
cum tibi uicinum se praebeat Aemilius pons?
aut si de multis nullus placet exitus, illud
nonne putas melius, quod tecum pusio dormit?
pusio, qui noctu non litigat, exigit a te

when lofty and caliginous windows stand open,
when the Aemilian bridge offers itself near at hand to you?
or if, out of many, no exit pleases, do you not think better that thing,
that a little boy sleeps with you?
a little boy, who does not wrangle at night, exacts from you

nulla iacens illic munuscula, nec queritur quod
et lateri parcas nec quantum iussit anheles.
sed placet Vrsidio lex Iulia: tollere dulcem
cogitat heredem, cariturus turture magno
mullorumque iubis et captatore macello.

no little presents lying there, nor does he complain that
you spare your side and do not pant as much as he ordered.
but the Julian law pleases Ursidius: he plans to raise a sweet
heir, about to be deprived of the great turtle-dove
and the crests (manes) of mullets and the legacy-hunter’s market-stall.

quid fieri non posse putes, si iungitur ulla
Vrsidio? si moechorum notissimus olim
stulta maritali iam porrigit ora capistro,
quem totiens texit perituri cista Latini?
quid quod et antiquis uxor de moribus illi

what do you think cannot come to pass, if any woman is joined to Ursidius?
if he, once the most notorious of adulterers, now proffers his foolish face to the marital halter,
he whom so often the cista of Latinus, about to perish, has covered?
what of the fact too, that even a wife of antique morals for him

quaeritur? o medici, nimiam pertundite uenam.
delicias hominis!

Do you ask? O physicians, puncture the vein to excess.
the darling of a man!

Tarpeium limen adora
pronus et auratam Iunoni caede iuuencam,
si tibi contigerit capitis matrona pudici.
paucae adeo Cereris uittas contingere dignae,

Adore the Tarpeian threshold, prone, and with slaughter offer to Juno the gilded heifer,
if it has fallen to your lot, a matron of chaste head.
so few are worthy to touch the fillets of Ceres,

quarum non timeat pater oscula. necte coronam
postibus et densos per limina tende corymbos.
unus Hiberinae uir sufficit?

of whom a father would not fear the kisses. Bind a garland
to the doorposts and stretch thick clusters across the thresholds.
Does a single husband suffice for an Iberian woman?

ocius illud
extorquebis, ut haec oculo contenta sit uno.
magna tamen fama est cuiusdam rure paterno

more swiftly that thing
you will extort, so that this one may be content with one eye.
great, however, is the fame of a certain man’s paternal farmstead

uiuentis. uiuat Gabiis ut uixit in agro,
uiuat Fidenis, et agello cedo paterno.
quis tamen adfirmat nil actum in montibus aut in
speluncis?

living. let him live at Gabii as he lived in the field,
let him live at Fidenae, and i yield to the little paternal plot.
who, however, affirms that nothing was done in the mountains or in
caverns?

adeo senuerunt Iuppiter et Mars?
porticibusne tibi monstratur femina uoto

Have Jupiter and Mars grown so old?
Is a woman shown to you in the porticoes by a vow

digna tuo? cuneis an habent spectacula totis
quod securus ames quodque inde excerpere possis?
chironomon Ledam molli saltante Bathyllo
Tuccia uesicae non imperat, Apula gannit,
[sicut in amplexu, subito et miserabile longum.]

worthy of you? or do the spectacles have, in all the wedges,
something you may love without care and which you can extract from there?
the pantomime “Leda,” with pliant Bathyllus dancing,
Tuccia does not command her bladder, the Apulian yaps,
[such as in an embrace, sudden and pitiably long.]

attendit Thymele: Thymele tunc rustica discit.
ast aliae, quotiens aulaea recondita cessant,
et uacuo clusoque sonant fora sola theatro,
atque a plebeis longe Megalesia, tristes
personam thyrsumque tenent et subligar Acci.

Thymele pays attention: then rustic Thymele learns.
but others, whenever the curtains, put away, are at rest,
and the forums alone resound, the theater empty and closed,
and the Megalesia far from the plebeians, sad
they hold the mask and thyrsus and Accius’s subligar.

Vrbicus exodio risum mouet Atellanae
gestibus Autonoes, hunc diligit Aelia pauper.
soluitur his magno comoedi fibula, sunt quae
Chrysogonum cantare uetent, Hispulla tragoedo
gaudet: an expectas ut Quintilianus ametur?

Urbicus stirs laughter with the exodium of the Atellan farce;
by the gestures of Autonoe; the poor Aelia loves him.
for these men the brooch of the great comedian is unfastened; there are those who would forbid
Chrysogonus to sing; Hispulla rejoices in the tragedian—
or do you expect that Quintilian is to be loved?

accipis uxorem de qua citharoedus Echion
aut Glaphyrus fiat pater Ambrosiusque choraules.
longa per angustos figamus pulpita uicos,
ornentur postes et grandi ianua lauro,
ut testudineo tibi, Lentule, conopeo

you take a wife by whom Echion the citharoedus or Glaphyrus may become a father, and Ambrosius the choraules as well.
let us set up long stages through the narrow alleys,
let the doorposts be adorned and the doorway with a grand laurel,
so that for you, Lentulus, with a tortoiseshell canopy

nobilis Euryalum murmillonem exprimat infans.
nupta senatori comitata est Eppia ludum
ad Pharon et Nilum famosaque moenia Lagi
prodigia et mores urbis damnante Canopo.
inmemor illa domus et coniugis atque sororis

let a noble infant portray Euryalus, a murmillo.
though married to a senator, Eppia accompanied the gladiatorial school
to Pharos and the Nile and the famed walls of Lagus,
with Canopus condemning the prodigies and the morals of the City.
she, unmindful of home and husband and even sister

nil patriae indulsit, plorantisque improba natos
utque magis stupeas ludos Paridemque reliquit.
sed quamquam in magnis opibus plumaque paterna
et segmentatis dormisset paruula cunis,
contempsit pelagus; famam contempserat olim,

she granted nothing to her fatherland, and, shameless, to her sons in tears
and, that you may marvel the more, she left the games and Paris.
but although, in great opulence and on a paternal feather-bed,
and, a tiny girl, had slept in cradles with ornamental segments,
she scorned the sea; she had long since scorned fame,

cuius apud molles minima est iactura cathedras.
Tyrrhenos igitur fluctus lateque sonantem
pertulit Ionium constanti pectore, quamuis
mutandum totiens esset mare. iusta pericli
si ratio est et honesta, timent pauidoque gelantur

among the soft, the very smallest jettison is of chairs.
Therefore he endured the Tyrrhenian waves and the Ionian, resounding far and wide,
with a steadfast breast, although the sea had to be changed so many times.
If the reason of the peril is just and honorable, they fear and are frozen with pavid chill

pectore nec tremulis possunt insistere plantis:
fortem animum praestant rebus quas turpiter audent.
si iubeat coniunx, durum est conscendere nauem,
tunc sentina grauis, tunc summus uertitur aer:
quae moechum sequitur, stomacho ualet. illa maritum

nor in heart, nor can they stand upon trembling soles:
they display a brave spirit in the things which they disgracefully dare.
if a husband bids, it is hard to board the ship,
then the bilge is heavy, then the upper air whirls:
she who follows an adulterer is strong in stomach. that one her husband

100

conuomit, haec inter nautas et prandet et errat
per puppem et duros gaudet tractare rudentis.
qua tamen exarsit forma, qua capta iuuenta
Eppia? quid uidit propter quod ludia dici
sustinuit? nam Sergiolus iam radere guttur

she vomits; this one, among sailors, both lunches and wanders
over the poop, and rejoices to handle the hard ropes.
Yet by what beauty did Eppia blaze, by what youth was she captivated?
What did she see on account of which she endured to be called a stage-girl,
for Sergiolus was already scraping his throat

105

coeperat et secto requiem sperare lacerto;
praeterea multa in facie deformia, sicut
attritus galea mediisque in naribus ingens
gibbus et acre malum semper stillantis ocelli.
sed gladiator erat. facit hoc illos Hyacinthos;

and he had begun, with his upper arm cut, to hope for repose;
moreover, many things disfiguring in his face, such as
worn down by the helmet and, in the very middle of his nostrils, a huge
hump, and a sharp malady of a little eye always dripping.
but he was a gladiator. this makes them Hyacinthuses;

110

hoc pueris patriaeque, hoc praetulit illa sorori
atque uiro. ferrum est quod amant. hic Sergius idem
accepta rude coepisset Veiiento uideri.

this to her boys and to her fatherland, this she preferred to her sister and to her husband.
it is iron that they love. this same Sergius,
once the wooden-sword discharge had been received, would have begun to seem a Veiento.

quid priuata domus, quid fecerit Eppia, curas?
respice riuales diuorum, Claudius audi

why do you care what a private house, what Eppia has done?
look at the rivals of the gods, Claudius, listen

115

quae tulerit. dormire uirum cum senserat uxor,
sumere nocturnos meretrix Augusta cucullos

what she had undertaken. When the wife had sensed her husband was asleep,
the harlot Augusta would put on nocturnal hooded cloaks

118

ausa Palatino et tegetem praeferre cubili

having dared to prefer a mat to the Palatine bed

117

linquebat comite ancilla non amplius una.

she would leave with as companion no more than a single maidservant.

119

sed nigrum flauo crinem abscondente galero
intrauit calidum ueteri centone lupanar
et cellam uacuam atque suam; tunc nuda papillis
prostitit auratis titulum mentita Lyciscae
ostenditque tuum, generose Britannice, uentrem.
excepit blanda intrantis atque aera poposcit.

but, her black hair hidden by a yellow cap,
she entered the hot brothel with an old patchwork cento
and her own cell, empty; then, nude at the nipples,
she stood for hire, the nipples gilded, feigning the placard of “Lycisca,”
and she showed your belly, noble Britannicus.
she welcomed those entering with coaxing and demanded bronze.

125

[continueque iacens cunctorum absorbuit ictus.]
mox lenone suas iam dimittente puellas
tristis abit, et quod potuit tamen ultima cellam
clausit, adhuc ardens rigidae tentigine uoluae,
et lassata uiris necdum satiata recessit,

[and, continuing to lie there, she absorbed the blows of all.]
soon, with the pimp now dismissing his girls,
sad she went away, and yet, so far as she could, she closed the last cell,
still burning with the rigid tumescence of her vulva,
and, wearied by men yet not satiated, she withdrew,

130

obscurisque genis turpis fumoque lucernae
foeda lupanaris tulit ad puluinar odorem.
hippomanes carmenque loquar coctumque uenenum
priuignoque datum? faciunt grauiora coactae
imperio sexus minimumque libidine peccant.

with darkened cheeks, foul with the smoke of the lamp,
she has borne to the couch the filthy odor of a brothel.
shall I speak of hippomanes and a charm and cooked poison
given to a stepson? The sex, compelled by command, does graver things,
and sins the least by libido.

135

'optima sed quare Caesennia teste marito?'
bis quingena dedit. tanti uocat ille pudicam,
nec pharetris Veneris macer est aut lampade feruet:
inde faces ardent, ueniunt a dote sagittae.
libertas emitur.

'But why “best” is Caesennia, with her husband as witness?'
She gave twice five hundred. At so much he calls her chaste,
nor is he lean from the quivers of Venus or seething from the torch:
from there the torches burn; the arrows come from the dowry.
freedom is bought.

coram licet innuat atque

openly let her make a sign and

140

rescribat: uidua est, locuples quae nupsit auaro.
'cur desiderio Bibulae Sertorius ardet?'
si uerum excutias, facies non uxor amatur.
tres rugae subeant et se cutis arida laxet,
fiant obscuri dentes oculique minores,

let him write back: she is a widow, wealthy—she who married a miser.
'why does Sertorius burn with desire for Bibula?'
if you examine the truth, the appearance, not the wife, is loved.
let three wrinkles come on and let the arid skin loosen itself,
let the teeth become dark and the eyes smaller,

145

'collige sarcinulas' dicet libertus 'et exi.
iam grauis es nobis et saepe emungeris. exi
ocius et propera.

'pack up the little bundles,' the freedman will say, 'and go out.
now you are burdensome to us and are often needing your nose wiped. go out
more quickly and make haste.

sicco uenit altera naso.'
interea calet et regnat poscitque maritum
pastores et ouem Canusinam ulmosque Falernas—

'another comes with a dry nose.'
meanwhile she burns and rules and asks for a husband
the shepherds for a Canusian ewe and the Falernian elms—

150

quantulum in hoc!—pueros omnes, ergastula tota,
quodque domi non est, sed habet uicinus, ematur.
mense quidem brumae, cum iam mercator Iason
clausus et armatis obstat casa candida nautis,
grandia tolluntur crystallina, maxima rursus

how little in this!—all the boys, the whole ergastula,
and whatever is not at home, but the neighbor has, let it be bought.
in the month indeed of midwinter, when now the merchant Jason
is shut in and the white house blocks sailors under arms,
great crystalline vessels are lifted, the very largest again

155

murrina, deinde adamas notissimus et Beronices
in digito factus pretiosior. hunc dedit olim
barbarus incestae, dedit hunc Agrippa sorori,
obseruant ubi festa mero pede sabbata reges
et uetus indulget senibus clementia porcis.

murrhine ware, then the most well-known adamant, and of Berenice
made more precious upon her finger. This one a barbarian once gave to his incestuous paramour,
this one Agrippa gave to his sister, where kings observe the festal Sabbaths with bare foot
and ancient clemency indulges old pigs.

160

'nullane de tantis gregibus tibi digna uidetur?'
sit formonsa, decens, diues, fecunda, uetustos
porticibus disponat auos, intactior omni
crinibus effusis bellum dirimente Sabina,
rara auis in terris nigroque simillima cycno,

'Does none from so many flocks seem worthy to you?'
let her be shapely, becoming, wealthy, fecund, let her arrange ancient
ancestors in her porticoes, more untouched than any Sabine woman
who, with hair poured loose, was ending the war,
a rare bird on earth and very like a black swan,

165

quis feret uxorem cui constant omnia? malo,
malo Venustinam quam te, Cornelia, mater
Gracchorum, si cum magnis uirtutibus adfers
grande supercilium et numeras in dote triumphos.
tolle tuum, precor, Hannibalem uictumque Syphacem

who will bear a wife for whom everything has a price? I prefer,
I prefer Venustina rather than you, Cornelia, mother
of the Gracchi, if along with great virtues you bring
a grand supercilious brow and reckon triumphs in your dowry.
take away, I pray, your Hannibal and your Syphax conquered

170

in castris et cum tota Carthagine migra.
'parce, precor, Paean, et tu, dea, pone sagittas;
nil pueri faciunt, ipsam configite matrem'
Amphion clamat, sed Paean contrahit arcum.
extulit ergo greges natorum ipsumque parentem,

into the camps and migrate with all Carthage.
'Spare, I pray, Paean, and you, goddess, set down your arrows;
the boys do nothing; transfix the mother herself,'
Amphion cries, but Paean draws his bow.
therefore he carried out the flocks of offspring and the parent himself,

175

dum sibi nobilior Latonae gente uidetur
atque eadem scrofa Niobe fecundior alba.
quae tanti grauitas, quae forma, ut se tibi semper
inputet? huius enim rari summique uoluptas
nulla boni, quotiens animo corrupta superbo

while she seems to herself more noble than Latona in lineage
and Niobe likewise more fecund than the white sow.
what dignity of such worth, what beauty, that she should always
impute herself to you? For the pleasure of this rare and highest
good is no good, whenever corrupted by a proud mind

180

plus aloes quam mellis habet. quis deditus autem
usque adeo est, ut non illam quam laudibus effert
horreat inque diem septenis oderit horis?
quaedam parua quidem, sed non toleranda maritis.
nam quid rancidius quam quod se non putat ulla

it has more aloes than honey. But who is so devoted
to such a degree, that he does not shudder at that woman whom he exalts with praises,
and within the day hate her in seven hours?
certain things are small indeed, but not to be tolerated by husbands.
for what is more rancid than that no woman thinks herself

185

formosam nisi quae de Tusca Graecula facta est,
de Sulmonensi mera Cecropis? omnia Graece:
[cum sit turpe magis nostris nescire Latine.]
hoc sermone pauent, hoc iram, gaudia, curas,
hoc cuncta effundunt animi secreta. quid ultra?

beautiful unless she is one who has been made a little Greek out of a Tuscan,
a pure Cecropian out of a Sulmonensian? Everything in Greek:
[since it is more shameful for our own to not know Latin.]
in this speech they turn pale, in this they (voice) anger, joys, cares,
in this they pour out all the hidden things of the spirit. What further?

190

concumbunt Graece. dones tamen ista puellis,
tune etiam, quam sextus et octogensimus annus
pulsat, adhuc Graece? non est hic sermo pudicus
in uetula. quotiens lasciuum interuenit illud
zoe kai psyche, modo sub lodice relictis

they have intercourse in Greek. grant, however, those things to girls,
you too, whom the eighty-sixth year is knocking, still in Greek?
this is not modest speech in an old woman. how often that lascivious
zoe kai psyche breaks in, just now, with them left beneath the coverlet

195

uteris in turba. quod enim non excitet inguen
uox blanda et nequam? digitos habet.

you use it in the crowd. for what groin does not a blandishing and wanton voice arouse? it has fingers.

ut tamen omnes
subsidant pinnae, dicas haec mollius Haemo
quamquam et Carpophoro, facies tua conputat annos.
si tibi legitimis pactam iunctamque tabellis

so that, however, all your plumes may subside,
say these things more softly to Haemus, and even to Carpophorus; your face computes the years.
if a woman contracted and joined to you by legitimate tablets

200

non es amaturus, ducendi nulla uidetur
causa, nec est quare cenam et mustacea perdas
labente officio crudis donanda, nec illud
quod prima pro nocte datur, cum lance beata
Dacicus et scripto radiat Germanicus auro.

you are not about to love; no cause of leading-home (in marriage) seems to exist,
nor is there any why you should waste a dinner and must-cakes,
to be given to the raw, as the duty is slipping; nor that
which is given for the first night, when on a blessed platter
the Dacian and the Germanic gleam with inscribed gold.

205

si tibi simplicitas uxoria, deditus uni
est animus, summitte caput ceruice parata
ferre iugum. nullam inuenies quae parcat amanti.
ardeat ipsa licet, tormentis gaudet amantis
et spoliis; igitur longe minus utilis illi

If an uxorial simplicity is yours, if your mind is devoted to one,
submit your head, with your neck prepared to bear the yoke.
You will find none who will spare a lover.
Though she herself burn, she rejoices in the lover’s torments
and in the spoils; therefore you are by far less useful to her.

210

uxor, quisquis erit bonus optandusque maritus.
nil umquam inuita donabis coniuge, uendes
hac obstante nihil, nihil haec si nolet emetur.
haec dabit affectus: ille excludatur amicus
iam senior, cuius barbam tua ianua uidit.

Whoever will be a good and to‑be‑desired husband—let it be the wife who has the say.
you will give nothing ever with your consort unwilling; you will sell
nothing with this one opposing; nothing will be bought if she should not wish it.
she will grant the affections; let that friend be excluded,
now older, whose beard your doorway has seen.

215

testandi cum sit lenonibus atque lanistis
libertas et iuris idem contingat harenae,
non unus tibi riualis dictabitur heres.
'pone crucem seruo.' 'meruit quo crimine seruus
supplicium? quis testis adest?

since pimps and lanists (gladiator-trainers) have the freedom of testating,
and the same right accrues to the Arena,
not a single rival will be dictated to you as heir.
'put the slave on the cross.' 'by what crime did the slave
deserve punishment? what witness is present?

quis detulit? audi;

who reported it? listen;

220

nulla umquam de morte hominis cunctatio longa est.'
'o demens, ita seruus homo est? nil fecerit, esto:
hoc uolo, sic iubeo, sit pro ratione uoluntas.'
imperat ergo uiro. sed mox haec regna relinquit
permutatque domos et flammea conterit; inde

'no deliberation about a man's death is ever long.'
'o demented one, is a man thus a slave? Suppose he has done nothing; be it so:'
'this I will, thus I command; let will stand in place of reason.'
therefore she gives orders to her husband. but soon she leaves these realms
and changes houses and wears out the flame-colored bridal veils; thence

225

auolat et spreti repetit uestigia lecti.
ornatas paulo ante fores, pendentia linquit
uela domus et adhuc uirides in limine ramos.
sic crescit numerus, sic fiunt octo mariti
quinque per autumnos, titulo res digna sepulcri.

she flies off and retraces the footsteps of the spurned bed.
the doors adorned a little before, she leaves behind the house’s hanging veils
and the branches still green on the threshold.
thus the number grows, thus there are eight husbands
through five autumns, a matter worthy of a sepulcher’s title.

230

desperanda tibi salua concordia socru.
illa docet spoliis nudi gaudere mariti,
illa docet missis a corruptore tabellis
nil rude nec simplex rescribere, decipit illa
custodes aut aere domat. tum corpore sano

you must despair of concord, with your mother-in-law safe.
she teaches one to rejoice in the spoils of a naked husband,
she teaches, with tablets sent by the corrupter,
to write back nothing rude nor simple; she deceives
the guards or subdues them with bronze. Then, with the body sound

235

aduocat Archigenen onerosaque pallia iactat.
abditus interea latet et secretus adulter
inpatiensque morae silet et praeputia ducit.
scilicet expectas ut tradat mater honestos
atque alios mores quam quos habet? utile porro

she summons Archigenes and tosses on onerous palls.
meanwhile the hidden adulterer lies concealed and secluded,
and, impatient of delay, he is silent and draws the prepuce.
surely you expect that the mother will hand down honorable
and other mores than those which she has? Useful, moreover

240

filiolam turpi uetulae producere turpem.
nulla fere causa est in qua non femina litem
mouerit. accusat Manilia, si rea non est.

to bring up a little daughter, foul for a foul old crone.
there is hardly any case in which a woman has not moved a lawsuit.
Manilia accuses, if she is not the defendant.

conponunt ipsae per se formantque libellos,
principium atque locos Celso dictare paratae.

they themselves, on their own, compose and form libels,
ready to dictate to Celsus the beginning and the topics.

245

endromidas Tyrias et femineum ceroma
quis nescit, uel quis non uidit uulnera pali,
quem cauat adsiduis rudibus scutoque lacessit
atque omnis implet numeros dignissima prorsus
Florali matrona tuba, nisi si quid in illo

Tyrian endromides and the feminine ceroma,
who does not know, or who has not seen the wounds of the post,
which she hollows with assiduous practice-swords and provokes with the shield,
and completely fills all the counts, a matron most worthy indeed
of the Floralia trumpet, unless if there is anything in that

250

pectore plus agitat ueraeque paratur harenae?
quem praestare potest mulier galeata pudorem,
quae fugit a sexu? uires amat.

does she stir more in her breast and is she prepared for the true arena?
what modesty can a helmeted woman display,
who flees from her sex? she loves strength.

haec tamen ipsa
uir nollet fieri; nam quantula nostra uoluptas!
quale decus, rerum si coniugis auctio fiat,

yet these very things
a husband would not want to happen; for how tiny our pleasure!
what kind of honor, if an auction of a wife's goods should be held,

255

balteus et manicae et cristae crurisque sinistri
dimidium tegimen! uel si diuersa mouebit
proelia, tu felix ocreas uendente puella.
hae sunt quae tenui sudant in cyclade, quarum
delicias et panniculus bombycinus urit.

the baldric and the manicae and the crests and the half-covering of the left leg!
or, if she will stir up different battles, lucky you, with the girl selling the greaves.
these are the ones who sweat in a thin Cyclas, whose
delights even a bombycine little rag scorches.

260

aspice quo fremitu monstratos perferat ictus
et quanto galeae curuetur pondere, quanta
poplitibus sedeat quam denso fascia libro,
et ride positis scaphium cum sumitur armis.
dicite uos, neptes Lepidi caeciue Metelli

look with what roar she delivers the demonstrated blows,
and by how great a weight the helmet is bent, how great
a band sits upon the knees with how dense a ply,
and laugh when, the arms having been set down, the scaphium is taken up.
do you tell, granddaughters of Lepidus or of Metellus the Blind

265

Gurgitis aut Fabii, quae ludia sumpserit umquam
hos habitus? quando ad palum gemat uxor Asyli?
semper habet lites alternaque iurgia lectus
in quo nupta iacet; minimum dormitur in illo.
tum grauis illa uiro, tunc orba tigride peior,

Of Gurgites or of Fabius, what show-girl would ever have assumed these outfits?
When would Asylus’s wife groan at the training-post?
the bed in which the bride lies always has strifes and alternating altercations;
there is very little sleeping in it.
then she is grievous to her husband, then worse than a tigress bereft,

270

cum simulat gemitus occulti conscia facti,
aut odit pueros aut ficta paelice plorat
uberibus semper lacrimis semperque paratis
in statione sua atque expectantibus illam,
quo iubeat manare modo. tu credis amorem,

when she simulates groans, conscious of a hidden deed,
or she hates the boys or laments with a feigned concubine,
with abundant tears always and ever at the ready
at their station and awaiting her,
by what manner she bids them to flow. you believe it is love,

275

tu tibi tunc, uruca, places fletumque labellis
exorbes, quae scripta et quot lecture tabellas
si tibi zelotypae retegantur scrinia moechae!
sed iacet in serui complexibus aut equitis. dic,
dic aliquem sodes hic, Quintiliane, colorem.

then you, you please yourself, you little witch, and you suck forth tears with your little lips;
what writings and how many tablets, O reader, would you read,
if the chests of the jealous adulteress were laid bare to you!
but she lies in the embraces of a slave or of a horseman. say,
say some coloring, please, here, Quintilian.

280

haeremus. dic ipsa. 'olim conuenerat' inquit
'ut faceres tu quod uelles, nec non ego possem
indulgere mihi.

we are stuck. say it yourself. 'once it had been agreed' she says
'that you should do what you wished, and likewise that I too might be able
to indulge myself.

clames licet et mare caelo
confundas, homo sum.' nihil est audacius illis
deprensis: iram atque animos a crimine sumunt.

you may shout and confound the sea with the sky
'I am a man.' nothing is more audacious than those men when caught
in the act: they derive ire and spirit from the crime.

285

unde haec monstra tamen uel quo de fonte requiris?
praestabat castas humilis fortuna Latinas
quondam, nec uitiis contingi parua sinebant
tecta labor somnique breues et uellere Tusco
uexatae duraeque manus ac proximus urbi

whence, however, do you ask these monsters, or from what fountain?
humble fortune supplied chaste Latin women
once; and did not allow the small roofs to be touched by vices
toil and short sleeps, and hands vexed by Tuscan fleece and hardened, and
nearness to the City

290

Hannibal et stantes Collina turre mariti.
nunc patimur longae pacis mala, saeuior armis
luxuria incubuit uictumque ulciscitur orbem.
nullum crimen abest facinusque libidinis ex quo
paupertas Romana perit. hinc fluxit ad istos

Hannibal and the husbands standing on the Collinian tower.
now we suffer the ills of a long peace; luxury, more savage than arms,
has settled upon us and avenges the conquered orb.
no crime is absent and no deed of libido, from the time when
Roman poverty perished. from here it has flowed to those

295

et Sybaris colles, hinc et Rhodos et Miletos
atque coronatum et petulans madidumque Tarentum.
prima peregrinos obscena pecunia mores
intulit, et turpi fregerunt saecula luxu
diuitiae molles. quid enim uenus ebria curat?

and the hills of Sybaris, from here both Rhodes and Miletus
and garlanded and wanton and dripping Tarentum.
obscene money first introduced foreign manners
and soft riches shattered the ages with base luxury
for what, indeed, does drunken venus care?

300

inguinis et capitis quae sint discrimina nescit
grandia quae mediis iam noctibus ostrea mordet,
cum perfusa mero spumant unguenta Falerno,
cum bibitur concha, cum iam uertigine tectum
ambulat et geminis exsurgit mensa lucernis.

she does not know what the discriminations of groin and head are,
she who bites into great oysters already in the middle of the nights,
when unguents, drenched with Falernian merum, foam,
when the shell is drunk, when now with vertigo the roof
walks and the table rises with twin lamps.

305

i nunc et dubita qua sorbeat aera sanna
Maura, Pudicitiae ueterem cum praeterit aram,

go now and doubt through which Maura’s sneer gulps the air,
when she passes by the ancient altar of Chastity,

308

Tullia quid dicat, notae collactea Maurae.

Tullia, what she says, the milk-sister of noted Maura.

307

noctibus hic ponunt lecticas, micturiunt hic

at night here they set down litters, here they urinate

309

effigiemque deae longis siphonibus implent
inque uices equitant ac Luna teste mouentur,
inde domos abeunt: tu calcas luce reuersa
coniugis urinam magnos uisurus amicos.
nota bonae secreta deae, cum tibia lumbos
incitat et cornu pariter uinoque feruntur

and they fill the effigy of the goddess with long siphons
and in turns they ride, and with Luna as witness they are set in motion;
thence they go home: you, with light returned, tread on your wife’s urine,
being about to see great friends.
well known are the secrets of the Good Goddess, when the flute
stirs the loins, and they are borne along equally by the horn and by wine

315

attonitae crinemque rotant ululantque Priapi
maenades. o quantus tunc illis mentibus ardor
concubitus, quae uox saltante libidine, quantus
ille meri ueteris per crura madentia torrens!
lenonum ancillas posita Saufeia corona

thunderstruck they whirl their hair and ululate, the Maenads of Priapus.
O how great then in those minds the ardor of coupling,
what a voice, with libido dancing, how great
that torrent of old undiluted wine through dripping thighs!
Saufeia, her garland set down, goes for the pimps’ handmaids.

320

prouocat et tollit pendentis praemia coxae,
ipsa Medullinae fluctum crisantis adorat:
palma inter dominas, uirtus natalibus aequa.
nil ibi per ludum simulabitur, omnia fient
ad uerum, quibus incendi iam frigidus aeuo

she provokes and carries off the prizes of the swaying hip,
she herself adores the surge of rippling Medullina;
the palm among the ladies, a virtue equal to her natal stock.
nothing there will be simulated in play; everything will be done
in truth, by which even one cold with age is now set ablaze.

325

Laomedontiades et Nestoris hirnea possit.
tunc prurigo morae inpatiens, tum femina simplex,
ac pariter toto repetitus clamor ab antro
'iam fas est, admitte uiros.' dormitat adulter,
illa iubet sumpto iuuenem properare cucullo;

The Laomedontiad and Nestor’s earthenware could manage it.
then an itch impatient of delay, then a guileless woman,
and alike the shout echoed back from the whole cave:
‘now it is lawful, admit the men.’ the adulterer nods drowsily;
she orders the young man, with hood taken up, to hurry;

330

si nihil est, seruis incurritur; abstuleris spem
seruorum, uenit et conductus aquarius; hic si
quaeritur et desunt homines, mora nulla per ipsam
quo minus inposito clunem summittat asello.
atque utinam ritus ueteres et publica saltem

if there is nothing, they rush upon the slaves; take away the slaves’ hope,
and even a hired water-carrier comes; if this one
is sought and men are lacking, there is no delay on her own part
to the point that, with the little donkey set in place, she lowers her rump.
and would that the ancient rites and at least the public

335

his intacta malis agerentur sacra; sed omnes
nouerunt Mauri atque Indi quae psaltria penem
maiorem quam sunt duo Caesaris Anticatones
illuc, testiculi sibi conscius unde fugit mus,
intulerit, ubi uelari pictura iubetur

that by these the sacred rites would be conducted untouched by evils; but all
the Moors and the Indians know which psaltria has brought in a penis
bigger than Caesar’s two Anti-Catos
thither, whence a mouse, conscious to itself of its little testicle, flees,
where the painting is ordered to be veiled

340

quaecumque alterius sexus imitata figuras.
et quis tunc hominum contemptor numinis, aut quis
simpuuium ridere Numae nigrumque catinum
et Vaticano fragiles de monte patellas
ausus erat? sed nunc ad quas non Clodius aras?

whatever things imitating the figures of the other sex.
and who then among men was a despiser of the numen, or who
dared to laugh at Numa’s simpuvium and black basin
and the fragile platters from the Vatican Mount?
but now—to what altars does Clodius not go?

345

[audio quid ueteres olim moneatis amici,
'pone seram, cohibe.' sed quis custodiet ipsos
custodes? cauta est et ab illis incipit uxor.]
iamque eadem summis pariter minimisque libido,
nec melior silicem pedibus quae conterit atrum

[I hear what you old-time friends warn: 'put on the bar, restrain her.' But who will guard the guards themselves? She is cautious, and the wife starts with those men.]
and now the same libido is equal for the highest and the lowest,
nor is she better who with her feet grinds the black flint

350

quam quae longorum uehitur ceruice Syrorum.
ut spectet ludos, conducit Ogulnia uestem,
conducit comites, sellam, ceruical, amicas,
nutricem et flauam cui det mandata puellam.
haec tamen argenti superest quodcumque paterni

than she who is carried on the neck of long Syrians.
that she may watch the games, Ogulnia hires a garment,
she hires companions, a chair, a neck-pillow, girlfriends,
a nurse and a blonde girl to whom she may give mandates.
this woman, however, has left whatever of her paternal silver remains

355

leuibus athletis et uasa nouissima donat.
multis res angusta domi, sed nulla pudorem
paupertatis habet nec se metitur ad illum
quem dedit haec posuitque modum. tamen utile quid sit
prospiciunt aliquando uiri, frigusque famemque

she gives to lightweight athletes and the newest vessels.
for many the means at home are narrow, but she has no
shame of poverty nor does she measure herself by that
limit which this has given and set. yet what is useful
men sometimes foresee, and cold and hunger

360

formica tandem quidam expauere magistra:
prodiga non sentit pereuntem femina censum.
ac uelut exhausta recidiuus pullulet arca
nummus et e pleno tollatur semper aceruo,
non umquam reputant quanti sibi gaudia constent.

at last some have taken fright at the ant as teacher:
the prodigal woman does not sense her estate perishing.
and as though, with the coffer exhausted, a recurrent coin were to pullulate,
and be always taken from a full heap,
they never reckon how much their joys cost them.

365

     in quacumque domo uiuit luditque professus               Ox1
obscenum, tremula promittit et omnia dextra,               Ox2
inuenies omnis turpes similesque cinaedis.               Ox3
his uiolare cibos sacraeque adsistere mensae               Ox4
permittunt, et uasa iubent frangenda lauari               Ox5
cum colocyntha bibit uel cum barbata chelidon.               Ox6
purior ergo tuis laribus meliorque lanista,               Ox7
in cuius numero longe migrare iubetur               Ox8
psyllus ab ~eupholio.~ quid quod nec retia turpi               Ox9
iunguntur tunicae, nec cella ponit eadem               Ox10
munimenta umeri ~pulsatamque arma~ tridentem               Ox11
qui nudus pugnare solet? pars ultima ludi               Ox12
accipit has animas aliusque in carcere neruos.               Ox13
sed tibi communem calicem facit uxor et illis               Ox14
cum quibus Albanum Surrentinumque recuset               Ox15
flaua ruinosi lupa degustare sepulchri.               Ox16
horum consiliis nubunt subitaeque recedunt,               Ox17
his languentem animum ~seruant~ et seria uitae,               Ox18
his clunem atque latus discunt uibrare magistris,               Ox19
quicquid praeterea scit qui docet. haud tamen illi               Ox20
semper habenda fides: oculos fuligine pascit               Ox21
distinctus croceis et reticulatus adulter.               Ox22
suspectus tibi sit, quanto uox mollior et quo               Ox23
saepius in teneris haerebit dextera lumbis.               Ox24
hic erit in lecto fortissimus; exuit illic               Ox25
personam docili Thais saltata Triphallo.               Ox26
quem rides?

     in whatever house he lives and plays, the one who has professed the obscene,               Ox1
he promises everything with a trembling right hand,               Ox2
you will find all foul and similar to cinaedi.               Ox3
to these they allow the foods to be violated and to stand by the sacred table,               Ox4
and they order the vessels that should be broken to be washed,               Ox5
when he drinks with colocynth or with the bearded chelidon.               Ox6
therefore purer than your household Lares and better is the lanista,               Ox7
in whose company the Psyllus is ordered to migrate far away from ~eupholium.~               Ox8
what of the fact that neither are nets joined to a foul tunic,               Ox9
nor does the same locker set down               Ox10
the protections of the shoulder and the ~beaten arms~ trident—               Ox11
he who is accustomed to fight naked? The last section of the school               Ox12
receives these souls, and another, in the prison, their sinews.               Ox13
but your wife makes a common cup for you and for those men               Ox14
with whom the tawny she-wolf of the ruinous tomb would refuse               Ox15
to taste Alban and Surrentine wine.               Ox16
by the counsels of these they marry and suddenly withdraw,               Ox17
with these they ~preserve~ a languishing spirit and the serious affairs of life,               Ox18
from these teachers they learn to vibrate buttock and flank,               Ox19
whatever else the one who teaches knows. Yet trust is not always to be had in that man:               Ox20
he feeds his eyes with soot,               Ox21
an adulterer distinguished with saffron and netted with a hair-net.               Ox22
let him be suspect to you, the softer his voice and the more often               Ox23
his right hand will cling on tender loins.               Ox24
here he will be most brave in bed; there he puts off               Ox25
his mask—Thais danced by the docile Triphallus.               Ox26
whom are you laughing at?

aliis hunc mimum! sponsio fiat: Ox27
purum te contendo uirum. contendo: fateris? Ox28
an uocat ancillas tortoris pergula?

this mime for others! let a wager be made: Ox27
I contend you a pure man. I contend: do you admit it? Ox28
or does the torturer’s booth summon the maidservants?

noui               Ox29
consilia et ueteres quaecumque monetis amici,               Ox30
'pone seram, cohibe'. sed quis custodiet ipsos               Ox31
custodes, qui nunc lasciuae furta puellae               Ox32
hac mercede silent? crimen commune tacetur.               Ox33
prospicit hoc prudens et a illis incipit uxor.               Ox34
     sunt quas eunuchi inbelles ac mollia semper

I know               Ox29
the counsels and whatever old warnings you advise, friends,               Ox30
“put on a bolt, restrain her.” But who will guard the guards themselves,               Ox31
the guards who now, for this fee, keep silent about the wanton girl’s thefts?               Ox32
The common crime is hushed up. The prudent wife foresees this and begins with them.               Ox33
     There are some whom eunuchs, unwarlike and ever-soft

366

oscula delectent et desperatio barbae
et quod abortiuo non est opus. illa uoluptas
summa tamen, quom iam calida matura iuuenta
inguina traduntur medicis, iam pectine nigro.

let kisses delight, and the hopelessness of a beard,
and that there is no need of an abortifacient. That pleasure
is highest, however, when now, with hot, ripe youth,
the groins are handed over to the physicians, now to the black comb.

370

ergo expectatos ac iussos crescere primum
testiculos, postquam coeperunt esse bilibres,
tonsoris tantum damno rapit Heliodorus.
mangonum pueros uera ac miserabilis urit 373a
debilitas, follisque pudet cicerisque relicti. 373b
conspicuus longe cunctisque notabilis intrat
balnea nec dubie custodem uitis et horti
prouocat a domina factus spado. dormiat ille
cum domina, sed tu iam durum, Postume, iamque
tondendum eunucho Bromium committere noli.

therefore the long-awaited testicles, and those ordered to grow first; once they have begun to be two‑pounders, Heliodorus snatches the boy, to the barber’s loss alone. the boys of the slave‑mongers a true and pitiable debility sears, 373a
and they are ashamed of the bag and the chickpea left behind. 373b
conspicuous from afar and notable to all he enters
the baths, and, no doubt, made a spado by the mistress, he provokes
the guardian of the vine and of the garden. let that one sleep
with the mistress; but you, Postumus, do not now entrust Bromius—already hard and now to be shorn—
to a eunuch barber.

si gaudet cantu, nullius fibula durat
uocem uendentis praetoribus. organa semper

if she rejoices in song, no fibula endures; the voice of the seller for the praetors.
instruments always

380

in manibus, densi radiant testudine tota
sardonyches, crispo numerantur pectine chordae
quo tener Hedymeles operas dedit: hunc tenet, hoc se
solatur gratoque indulget basia plectro.
quaedam de numero Lamiarum ac nominis Appi

in his hands, through the whole tortoise-shell gleam
sardonyxes, with a crisped comb the strings are counted,
to which the tender Hedymeles gave his services: he holds this, with this he
solaces himself, and he indulges the pleasing plectrum with kisses.
some from the number of the Lamiae and of the name of Appius

385

et farre et uino Ianum Vestamque rogabat,
an Capitolinam deberet Pollio quercum
sperare et fidibus promittere. quid faceret plus
aegrotante uiro, medicis quid tristibus erga
filiolum? stetit ante aram nec turpe putauit

and with spelt and wine he was beseeching Janus and Vesta,
whether Pollio ought to hope for the Capitoline oak
and to pledge upon the lyre-strings. What more could he do
with the man being ill, what, with the doctors so gloomy, for
the little son? He stood before the altar and did not think it shameful

390

pro cithara uelare caput dictataque uerba
pertulit, ut mos est, et aperta palluit agna.
dic mihi nunc, quaeso, dic, antiquissime diuom,
respondes his, Iane pater? magna otia caeli;
non est, quod uideo, non est quod agatur apud uos.

instead of the cithara he veiled his head and bore forth the dictated words,
as is the custom, and the opened lamb grew pale.
tell me now, I pray, tell, most ancient of the gods,
do you answer these, Father Janus? great is the leisure of heaven;
there is not, as I see, there is not anything to be done among you.

395

haec de comoedis te consulit, illa tragoedum
commendare uolet: uaricosus fiet haruspex.
sed cantet potius quam totam peruolet urbem
audax et coetus possit quae ferre uirorum
cumque paludatis ducibus praesente marito

this one consults you about comedians, that one will want to recommend a tragedian: the haruspex will become varicose.
but let her sing rather than flit through the whole city,
bold and able to endure gatherings of men,
and with war-cloaked leaders even with her husband present

400

ipsa loqui recta facie siccisque mamillis.
haec eadem nouit quid toto fiat in orbe,
quid Seres, quid Thraces agant, secreta nouercae
et pueri, quis amet, quis diripiatur adulter;
dicet quis uiduam praegnatem fecerit et quo

she herself to speak with a straight face and with dry breasts.
this same woman knows what is happening in the whole orb,
what the Seres, what the Thracians are doing, the secrets of the stepmother
and the boy, who loves, who is being plundered, the adulterer;
she will say who has made the widow pregnant and to where

405

mense, quibus uerbis concumbat quaeque, modis quot.
instantem regi Armenio Parthoque cometen
prima uidet, famam rumoresque illa recentis
excipit ad portas, quosdam facit; isse Niphaten
in populos magnoque illic cuncta arua teneri

the month, with what words each woman lies down, and in how many modes.
she is the first to see the comet pressing upon the Armenian king and the Parthian;
she catches report and fresh rumors at the gates—some she makes;
that Niphates has gone against the peoples, and that there all the fields are held by a great host.

410

diluuio, nutare urbes, subsidere terras,
quocumque in triuio, cuicumque est obuia, narrat.
nec tamen id uitium magis intolerabile quam quod
uicinos humiles rapere et concidere loris
~exortata~ solet. nam si latratibus alti

a deluge, cities to sway, lands to subside,
at whatever crossroads, to whomever she meets, she narrates.
nor, however, is that vice more intolerable than that which
she is wont, ~egged-on~, to seize humble neighbors and cut them down with thongs,
for if by the barkings of the lofty

415

rumpuntur somni, 'fustes huc ocius' inquit
'adferte' atque illis dominum iubet ante feriri,
deinde canem. grauis occursu, taeterrima uultu
balnea nocte subit, conchas et castra moueri
nocte iubet, magno gaudet sudare tumultu,

her sleep is shattered: ‘clubs here, quickly,’ she says, ‘bring them,’ and she orders that the master be struck first, then the dog. heavy to encounter, most hideous in face, she goes into the baths at night, and orders the conches and the camp to be moved at night; she rejoices to sweat in a great tumult,

420

cum lassata graui ceciderunt bracchia massa,
callidus et cristae digitos inpressit aliptes
ac summum dominae femur exclamare coegit.
conuiuae miseri interea somnoque fameque
urguentur. tandem illa uenit rubicundula, totum

when, the arms wearied by a heavy kneading, had drooped,
and the crafty aliptes pressed his digits into the crest
and compelled the mistress’s upper thigh to cry out.
meanwhile the wretched dinner‑guests are pressed by sleep and by hunger
they are urged. at last she comes rather ruddy, all

425

oenophorum sitiens, plena quod tenditur urna
admotum pedibus, de quo sextarius alter
ducitur ante cibum rabidam facturus orexim,
dum redit et loto terram ferit intestino.
marmoribus riui properant, aurata Falernum

thirsting for the oenophorum, which is stretched out with a full urn,
brought near to her feet, from which another sextarius
is drawn before food, about to make a rabid appetite,
while it returns and, with the intestine washed, strikes the ground.
on the marbles streams hurry, golden Falernian

430

peluis olet; nam sic, tamquam alta in dolia longus
deciderit serpens, bibit et uomit. ergo maritus
nauseat atque oculis bilem substringit opertis.
illa tamen grauior, quae cum discumbere coepit
laudat Vergilium, periturae ignoscit Elissae,

the washbasin reeks; for thus, as if a long serpent had fallen into deep casks,
he drinks and vomits. therefore the husband retches and, with eyes shut, chokes back bile.
she, however, is the more grievous one, who, when she begins to recline at table,
praises Vergil, pardons doomed Elissa,

435

committit uates et comparat, inde Maronem
atque alia parte in trutina suspendit Homerum.
cedunt grammatici, uincuntur rhetores, omnis
turba tacet, nec causidicus nec praeco loquetur,
altera nec mulier. uerborum tanta cadit uis,

she matches bard with bard and compares; then Maro
she hangs in the balance, and on the other side she suspends Homer.
the grammarians yield, the rhetors are conquered, the whole
crowd is silent, neither advocate nor crier will speak,
nor the other woman. so great a force of words falls.

440

tot pariter pelues ac tintinnabula dicas
pulsari. iam nemo tubas, nemo aera fatiget:
una laboranti poterit succurrere Lunae.
inponit finem sapiens et rebus honestis;
nam quae docta nimis cupit et facunda uideri

you would say that so many basins and little bells are being struck all at once.
now no one will weary the trumpets, no one the bronze:
one alone will be able to succor the laboring Moon.
the wise man imposes a limit even upon honorable things;
for the woman who desires to seem too learned and too eloquent

445

crure tenus medio tunicas succingere debet,
caedere Siluano porcum, quadrante lauari.
non habeat matrona, tibi quae iuncta recumbit,
dicendi genus, aut curuum sermone rotato
torqueat enthymema, nec historias sciat omnes,

she ought to gird her tunics up to the middle of the leg,
to slaughter a pig to Silvanus, to be washed for a quadrans.
let not the matron, who reclines joined to you, have
a manner of speaking, nor with rolling speech twist a crooked enthymeme,
nor know all the histories,

450

sed quaedam ex libris et non intellegat. odi
hanc ego quae repetit uoluitque Palaemonis artem
seruata semper lege et ratione loquendi
ignotosque mihi tenet antiquaria uersus
nec curanda uiris. opicae castiget amicae

but let there be certain things from books that she does not understand. I
hate the woman who repeats and desires Palaemon’s art,
with the law and reason of speaking always observed,
and, an antiquarian, keeps verses unknown to me,
not to be cared for by men. Let her chastise an Oscan friend

455

uerba: soloecismum liceat fecisse marito.
nil non permittit mulier sibi, turpe putat nil,
cum uiridis gemmas collo circumdedit et cum
auribus extentis magnos commisit elenchos.
[intolerabilius nihil est quam femina diues.]

words: let it be permitted that the husband has committed a solecism.
a woman permits herself everything; she thinks nothing shameful,
when she has encircled her neck with green gems, and when
with stretched ears she has fastened great chains of links.
[nothing is more intolerable than a rich woman.]

460

interea foeda aspectu ridendaque multo
pane tumet facies aut pinguia Poppaeana
spirat et hinc miseri uiscantur labra mariti.
ad moechum lota ueniunt cute. quando uideri
uult formonsa domi? moechis foliata parantur,

meanwhile, foul to the aspect and much to be laughed at,
the visage swells with much bread, or it breathes out the greasy Poppaean
unguents, and from this the lips of the wretched husband are made viscous.
to the adulterer they come with skin washed. when does the beautiful woman
wish to be seen at home? leaf-patched for adulterers, they are prepared.

465

his emitur quidquid graciles huc mittitis Indi.
tandem aperit uultum et tectoria prima reponit,
incipit agnosci, atque illo lacte fouetur
propter quod secum comites educit asellas
exul Hyperboreum si dimittatur ad axem.

with these is bought whatever you slender Indians send hither.
at last she uncovers her face and puts away the first plasters,
she begins to be recognized, and with that milk she is cosseted
on account of which she brings along with her she-asses as companions
if, as an exile, she be sent to the Hyperborean axis.

470

sed quae mutatis inducitur atque fouetur
tot medicaminibus coctaeque siliginis offas
accipit et madidae, facies dicetur an ulcus?
est pretium curae penitus cognoscere toto
quid faciant agitentque die. si nocte maritus

but she who is smeared with changes and is cosseted
with so many medicaments, and receives lumps of cooked fine-wheat
and of soaked dough—will it be called a face or an ulcer?
it is worth the care to know thoroughly, in the whole,
what they do and agitate all day. if at night the husband

475

auersus iacuit, periit libraria, ponunt
cosmetae tunicas, tarde uenisse Liburnus
dicitur et poenas alieni pendere somni
cogitur, hic frangit ferulas, rubet ille flagello,
hic scutica; sunt quae tortoribus annua praestent.

he lay turned away, the bookcase has perished; the cosmetae lay aside their tunics; the Liburnian is said to have come late and is compelled to pay the penalties for another man’s sleep; this one breaks canes, that one grows red from the whip, this one from the thong; there are those who furnish annual retainers to the torturers.

480

uerberat atque obiter faciem linit, audit amicas
aut latum pictae uestis considerat aurum
et caedit, longi relegit transuersa diurni
et caedit, donec lassis caedentibus 'exi'
intonet horrendum iam cognitione peracta.

he beats and, in passing, smears the face; he listens to girlfriends
or inspects the broad gold of a pictured garment,
and he beats; sideways he re-reads the long diurnal ledger,
and he beats, until, with the beaters weary, 'Out!'
thunders dreadfully, the inquiry now completed.

485

praefectura domus Sicula non mitior aula.
nam si constituit solitoque decentius optat
ornari et properat iamque expectatur in hortis
aut apud Isiacae potius sacraria lenae,
disponit crinem laceratis ipsa capillis

the prefecture of the house is no gentler than a Sicilian court.
for if she has decided and desires more becomingly than usual
to be adorned, and she hastens and is already awaited in the gardens,
or rather at the shrines of the Isiac procuress,
she herself arranges the hair, after tearing their hair,

490

nuda umeros Psecas infelix nudisque mamillis.
'altior hic quare cincinnus?' taurea punit
continuo flexi crimen facinusque capilli.
quid Psecas admisit?

unhappy Psecas, with shoulders nude and with nude little breasts.
'Why is this curl higher?' the bull-hide thong punishes
at once the crime and the tress of flexed hair.
What has Psecas committed?

quaenam est hic culpa puellae,
si tibi displicuit nasus tuus? altera laeuum

what fault of the girl is here,
if your nose displeased you? another the left

495

extendit pectitque comas et uoluit in orbem.
est in consilio materna admotaque lanis
emerita quae cessat acu; sententia prima
huius erit, post hanc aetate atque arte minores
censebunt, tamquam famae discrimen agatur

she extends and combs her locks and rolls them into a coil.
the mother is in the council, and the one, an emerita assigned to the wools,
who now rests from the needle; the first opinion
will be hers; after her, those lesser in age and in art
will give their vote, as though the crisis of fame were being decided

500

aut animae: tanta est quaerendi cura decoris.
tot premit ordinibus, tot adhuc conpagibus altum
aedificat caput: Andromachen a fronte uidebis,
post minor est, credas aliam. cedo si breue parui
sortita est lateris spatium breuiorque uidetur

or of the soul: so great is the care of seeking beauty.
she presses in so many rows, with so many fastenings she still
builds up a lofty head: you will see an Andromache from the front,
behind she is smaller; you would believe her another. Come, tell me, if a narrow
span of slight flank has been allotted her, and she seems shorter.

505

uirgine Pygmaea nullis adiuta coturnis
et leuis erecta consurgit ad oscula planta.
nulla uiri cura interea nec mentio fiet
damnorum. uiuit tamquam uicina mariti,
hoc solo propior, quod amicos coniugis odit

a Pygmy virgin, aided by no buskins,
and, light, she rises up on her sole to kisses.
meanwhile there will be no concern for the husband, nor will there be mention
of damages. she lives as though a neighbor of her husband,
closer only in this, that she hates the friends of her spouse.

510

et seruos, grauis est rationibus. ecce furentis
Bellonae matrisque deum chorus intrat et ingens
semiuir, obsceno facies reuerenda minori,
mollia qui rapta secuit genitalia testa
iam pridem, cui rauca cohors, cui tympana cedunt

and the servants; she is burdensome to the accounts. Behold, the chorus of frenzied Bellona and of the Mother of the gods enters, and a huge half-man, a face to be revered, with the obscenity the lesser, who long ago cut his soft genitals with a snatched potsherd, to whom the hoarse cohort, to whom the drums, yield

515

plebeia et Phrygia uestitur bucca tiara.
grande sonat metuique iubet Septembris et austri
aduentum, nisi se centum lustrauerit ouis
et xerampelinas ueteres donauerit ipsi,
ut quidquid subiti et magni discriminis instat

the plebeian cheek is clothed with a Phrygian tiara.
he sounds grandly and bids that the advent of September and of the South wind be feared,
unless he has lustrated himself with a hundred sheep
and has given old xerampelina to him,
so that whatever of sudden and great peril is imminent

520

in tunicas eat et totum semel expiet annum.
hibernum fracta glacie descendet in amnem,
ter matutino Tiberi mergetur et ipsis
uerticibus timidum caput abluet, inde superbi
totum regis agrum nuda ac tremibunda cruentis

may go into the tunics and at once expiate the whole year.
she will descend into the hibernal river with the ice broken,
thrice in the matutinal Tiber she will be plunged and in the very
whirlpools she will wash her timid head, then over the entire
field of the proud king, naked and trembling, with bloody

525

erepet genibus; si candida iusserit Io,
ibit ad Aegypti finem calidaque petitas
a Meroe portabit aquas, ut spargat in aede
Isidis, antiquo quae proxima surgit ouili.
credit enim ipsius dominae se uoce moneri.

she will creep back on her knees; if bright Io should order it,
she will go to the border of Egypt and will carry the warm waters sought
from Meroe, so that she may sprinkle in the temple
of Isis, which rises nearest to the ancient sheepfold.
for she believes that she is admonished by the voice of the mistress herself.

530

en animam et mentem cum qua di nocte loquantur!
ergo hic praecipuum summumque meretur honorem
qui grege linigero circumdatus et grege caluo
plangentis populi currit derisor Anubis.
ille petit ueniam, quotiens non abstinet uxor

Look— a soul and a mind with which the gods speak at night!
Therefore this man deserves the especial and supreme honor,
who, surrounded by a linen-bearing flock and a bald flock,
runs as the derider/jester of Anubis amid the lamenting people.
he seeks pardon, whenever the wife does not abstain.

535

concubitu sacris obseruandisque diebus
magnaque debetur uiolato poena cadurco
et mouisse caput uisa est argentea serpens;
illius lacrimae meditataque murmura praestant
ut ueniam culpae non abnuat ansere magno

by intercourse on sacred and days to be observed
and a great punishment, the Cadurcan cudgel, is owed to the violator,
and the silver serpent seemed to have moved its head;
her tears and premeditated murmurs secure
that he not refuse pardon for the fault for a great goose

540

scilicet et tenui popano corruptus Osiris.
cum dedit ille locum, cophino fenoque relicto
arcanam Iudaea tremens mendicat in aurem,
interpres legum Solymarum et magna sacerdos
arboris ac summi fida internuntia caeli.

to be sure, even Osiris was corrupted by a meager popanum.
when that one gave way, with basket and hay left behind,
trembling Judaea begs the secret into the ear,
the interpreter of the laws of the Solymians and great priestess
of the tree, and the faithful inter-nuntia of the highest heaven.

545

implet et illa manum, sed parcius; aere minuto
qualiacumque uoles Iudaei somnia uendunt.
spondet amatorem tenerum uel diuitis orbi
testamentum ingens calidae pulmone columbae
tractato Armenius uel Commagenus haruspex;

she too fills the hand, but more sparingly; for small coin the Judaeans sell whatever dreams you want.
he pledges a tender lover, or a rich heirless man’s huge testament,
after the lung of a warm dove has been handled, the Armenian or Commagenian haruspex.

550

pectora pullorum rimabitur, exta catelli
interdum et pueri; faciet quod deferat ipse.
Chaldaeis sed maior erit fiducia: quidquid
dixerit astrologus, credent a fonte relatum
Hammonis, quoniam Delphis oracula cessant

He will pry into the breasts of pullets, the entrails of a puppy,
sometimes even of a boy; he will make up what he himself reports.
But there will be greater confidence in the Chaldeans: whatever
the astrologer says, they will believe to have been relayed from the fount
of Ammon, since at Delphi the oracles cease.

555

et genus humanum damnat caligo futuri.
praecipuus tamen est horum, qui saepius exul,
cuius amicitia conducendaque tabella
magnus ciuis obit et formidatus Othoni.
inde fides artis, sonuit si dextera ferro

and the gloom of the future condemns the human race.
principal, however, among these is the one who is more often an exile,
by whose friendship and by a tablet to be hired
a great citizen dies, and he was feared by Otho.
thence the trust in the art, if his right hand has rung with iron

560

laeuaque, si longe castrorum in carcere mansit.
nemo mathematicus genium indemnatus habebit,
sed qui paene perit, cui uix in Cyclada mitti
contigit et parua tandem caruisse Seripho.
consulit ictericae lento de funere matris,

and the left as well, if it remained long in the prison of the camps.
no astrologer will have his genius uncondemned,
but the one who almost perished, to whom it scarcely befell to be sent to a Cyclad,
and at last to have done without little Seriphos.
he consults about the slow funeral of his icteric mother,

565

ante tamen de te Tanaquil tua, quando sororem
efferat et patruos, an sit uicturus adulter
post ipsam; quid enim maius dare numina possunt?
haec tamen ignorat quid sidus triste minetur
Saturni, quo laeta Venus se proferat astro,

before this, however, your Tanaquil asks about you: when she will carry out to burial her sister and her uncles,
and whether the adulterer will outlive her; for what greater can the numina grant?
this woman, however, does not know what baleful star of Saturn threatens,
under what star glad Venus brings herself forth,

570

quis mensis damnis, quae dentur tempora lucro:
illius occursus etiam uitare memento,
in cuius manibus ceu pinguia sucina tritas
cernis ephemeridas, quae nullum consulit et iam
consulitur, quae castra uiro patriamque petente

which month for losses, what times are given to lucre:
remember even to avoid the encounter of that man,
in whose hands you see ephemerides rubbed smooth like rich amber,
she who consults no one and is already consulted, who the camp and fatherland as the man seeks

575

non ibit pariter numeris reuocata Thrasylli.
ad primum lapidem uectari cum placet, hora
sumitur ex libro; si prurit frictus ocelli
angulus, inspecta genesi collyria poscit;
aegra licet iaceat, capiendo nulla uidetur

she will not go in step, recalled by Thrasyllus’s numbers.
when it pleases her to be carried to the first milestone, the hour
is taken from the book; if the rubbed corner of her little eye
itches, with the genesis inspected it asks for collyria;
though she lies sick, she seems fit for taking nothing

580

aptior hora cibo nisi quam dederit Petosiris.
si mediocris erit, spatium lustrabit utrimque
metarum et sortes ducet frontemque manumque
praebebit uati crebrum poppysma roganti.
diuitibus responsa dabit Phryx augur et inde

no hour fitter for food than that which Petosiris has assigned.
if he be of middling rank, he will survey the course around both turning‑posts
and will draw the sortes, and will offer his forehead and hand
to the seer asking for a frequent smacking‑kiss.
for the rich, a Phrygian augur will give responses, and from there

585

conductus, dabit astrorum mundique peritus
atque aliquis senior qui publica fulgura condit.
plebeium in circo positum est et in aggere fatum.
quae nudis longum ostendit ceruicibus aurum
consulit ante falas delphinorumque columnas

hired, the expert in the stars and the world will give (answers), and some senior who records the public lightnings.
the plebeian fate is set in the Circus and on the embankment.
she who displays long gold on bare necks
consults before the booths and the columns of the dolphins

590

an saga uendenti nubat caupone relicto.
hae tamen et partus subeunt discrimen et omnis
nutricis tolerant fortuna urguente labores,
sed iacet aurato uix ulla puerpera lecto.
tantum artes huius, tantum medicamina possunt,

or will she wed a seller of cloaks, the innkeeper left behind.
these, nevertheless, also undergo the peril of childbirth and endure all the labors of a nurse, with Fortune pressing,
but scarcely any lying-in woman lies on a gilded bed.
so much can her arts, so much can her medicaments avail,

595

quae steriles facit atque homines in uentre necandos
conducit. gaude, infelix, atque ipse bibendum
porrige quidquid erit; nam si distendere uellet
et uexare uterum pueris salientibus, esses
Aethiopis fortasse pater, mox decolor heres

who makes them sterile and procures human beings to be killed in the womb
rejoice, unlucky man, and you yourself proffer whatever there will be to drink;
for if she were willing to distend and vex the womb with boys leaping, you would be
perhaps the father of an Ethiopian, soon a discolored heir

600

impleret tabulas numquam tibi mane uidendus.
transeo suppositos et gaudia uotaque saepe
ad spurcos decepta lacus, saepe inde petitos
pontifices, salios Scaurorum nomina falso
corpore laturos. stat Fortuna inproba noctu

would fill the tablets, never to be seen by you in the morning.
I pass over the supposititious and the joys and vows often
deceived at filthy pools, often from there sought
pontiffs, salii to bear the names of the Scauri with a false
body. shameless Fortune stands at night

605

adridens nudis infantibus: hos fouet omni
inuoluitque sinu, domibus tunc porrigit altis
secretumque sibi mimum parat; hos amat, his se
ingerit utque suos semper producit alumnos.
hic magicos adfert cantus, hic Thessala uendit

smiling at naked infants: she cherishes these and wraps them in her whole
bosom, then proffers them to lofty houses
and prepares for herself a private mime; she loves these, upon these she
thrusts herself, and as her own she always brings forth fosterlings.
here he brings magical chants, here a Thessalian woman sells

610

philtra, quibus ualeat mentem uexare mariti
et solea pulsare natis. quod desipis, inde est,
inde animi caligo et magna obliuio rerum
quas modo gessisti. tamen hoc tolerabile, si non
[semper aquam portes rimosa ad dolia, semper               614a
istud onus subeas ipsis manantibus urnis,               614b
quo rabidus nostro Phalarim de rege dedisti.]               614c
et furere incipias ut auunculus ille Neronis,
cui totam tremuli frontem Caesonia pulli
infudit.

philters, by which she is able to vex the mind of her husband
and to strike the buttocks with a sandal. That you are being foolish, it is from that,
from that the mind’s dimness and great oblivion of the things
which you have just now done. Nevertheless this is tolerable, if not
[you were always carrying water to leaky casks, always               614a
undergoing that burden with the urns themselves dripping,               614b
by which, raving, you made a Phalaris out of our king.]               614c
and you begin to run mad like that uncle of Nero,
upon whom Caesonia poured the whole brow-sweat of a trembling foal.

quae non faciet quod principis uxor?
ardebant cuncta et fracta conpage ruebant
non aliter quam si fecisset Iuno maritum
insanum. minus ergo nocens erit Agrippinae

what will not the wife of the prince do?
everything was burning and, with the framework broken, all things were collapsing
no otherwise than if Juno had made her husband
insane. therefore will it be less harmful to Agrippina

620

boletus, siquidem unius praecordia pressit
ille senis tremulumque caput descendere iussit
in caelum et longa manantia labra saliua:
haec poscit ferrum atque ignes, haec potio torquet,
haec lacerat mixtos equitum cum sanguine patres.

the boletus, since indeed it crushed the vitals of one old man,
and ordered his trembling head to descend into heaven and his lips to stream with long-drawn saliva:
this demands iron and fires; this potion torments,
this lacerates the Fathers (senators) mingled with the blood of the Equestrians.

625

tanti partus equae, tanti una uenefica constat.
oderunt natos de paelice; nemo repugnet,
nemo uetet, iam iam priuignum occidere fas est.
uos ego, pupilli, moneo, quibus amplior est res,
custodite animas et nulli credite mensae:

so much a mare’s foal costs; so much a single poisoner costs.
they hate sons from a concubine; let no one resist,
let no one forbid it—now, now it is right to kill a stepson.
you, wards, I warn, whose estate is more ample,
guard your lives and trust no table.

630

liuida materno feruent adipata ueneno.
mordeat ante aliquis quidquid porrexerit illa
quae peperit, timidus praegustet pocula papas.
fingimus haec altum satura sumente coturnum
scilicet, et finem egressi legemque priorum

livid fat-larded dishes seethe with maternal poison.
let someone bite first whatever she who bore (you) has proffered;
let timid papa pre-taste the cups.
of course we are feigning these things, with the Satire taking up the high cothurnus,
to be sure, and having gone beyond the limit and the law of our predecessors.

635

grande Sophocleo carmen bacchamur hiatu,
montibus ignotum Rutulis caeloque Latino?
nos utinam uani. sed clamat Pontia 'feci,
confiteor, puerisque meis aconita paraui,
quae deprensa patent; facinus tamen ipsa peregi.'

we rave a grand song with a Sophoclean gape,
a thing unknown to the Rutulian mountains and the Latin sky?
if only we were vain. but Pontia cries, 'I have done it,
I confess, and I prepared aconite for my boys,
which, once detected, stand plain; yet I myself accomplished the crime.'

640

tune duos una, saeuissima uipera, cena?
tune duos? 'septem, si septem forte fuissent.'
credamus tragicis quidquid de Colchide torua
dicitur et Procne; nil contra conor.

Do you, most savage viper, at one dinner, two?
You two? 'Seven, if seven had happened to be there.'
let us believe the tragics whatever is said about grim Colchis
and Procne; I attempt nothing to the contrary.

et illae
grandia monstra suis audebant temporibus, sed

and those women too
dared great monstrosities in their own times, but

645

non propter nummos. minor admiratio summis
debetur monstris, quotiens facit ira nocentes
hunc sexum et rabie iecur incendente feruntur
praecipites, ut saxa iugis abrupta, quibus mons
subtrahitur cliuoque latus pendente recedit.

not because of coins. less admiration is owed to the greatest monsters,
whenever anger makes this sex guilty
and, with frenzy setting the liver ablaze, they are borne headlong,
like rocks torn from the ridges, beneath which the mountain
is withdrawn and the side draws back with a hanging slope.

650

illam ego non tulerim quae conputat et scelus ingens
sana facit. spectant subeuntem fata mariti
Alcestim et, similis si permutatio detur,
morte uiri cupiant animam seruare catellae.
occurrent multae tibi Belides atque Eriphylae

I would not endure that woman who does the reckoning and, in her right mind, commits an immense crime.
They look upon Alcestis as she takes on her husband’s fate,
and, if a similar exchange be granted,
would wish, at the price of the husband’s death, to save the soul of a little dog.
Many Belides and Eriphyles will meet you.

655

mane, Clytemestram nullus non uicus habebit.
hoc tantum refert, quod Tyndaris illa bipennem
insulsam et fatuam dextra laeuaque tenebat;
at nunc res agitur tenui pulmone rubetae,
sed tamen et ferro, si praegustarit Atrides

by morning, not a single street will be without its Clytemnestra.
this alone makes a difference, that that Tyndarid held the double-edged axe,
insipid and fatuous, in right and left hand;
but now the business is conducted with the thin lung of a toad,
yet also with iron, if the Atrides has it pre-tasted.

660

Pontica ter uicti cautus medicamina regis.

Cautious, he takes the Pontic medicaments of the thrice-conquered king three times.