Augustine: CONFESSIONES

cognoscam te, cognitor meus, cognoscam sicut et cognitus sum. virtus animae meae, intra in eam et coapta tibi, ut habeas et possideas sine macula et ruga. haec est mea spes: ideo loquor et in ea spe gaudeo, quando sanum gaudeo.

May I know you, my knower; may I know as I also am known. Virtue of my soul, enter into it and coapt it to yourself, that you may have and possess it without spot and wrinkle. This is my hope: therefore I speak, and in that hope I rejoice, when I rejoice soundly.

cetera vero vitae huius tanto minus flenda quanto magis fletur, et tanto magis flenda quanto minus fletur in eis. ecce enim veritatem dilexisti, quoniam qui facit eam venit ad lucem. volo eam facere in corde meo coram te in confessione, in stilo autem meo coram multis testibus.

The other things, indeed, of this life are so much the less to be wept over the more they are wept, and so much the more to be wept over the less they are wept in them. Behold, for you have loved Truth, since he who does it comes to the Light. I want to do it in my heart before you in confession, and by my pen before many witnesses.

10.2.2

et tibi quidem, domine, cuius oculis nuda est abyssus humanae conscientiae, quid occultum esset in me, etiamsi nollem confiteri tibi? te enim mihi absconderem, non me tibi. nunc autem quod gemitus meus testis est displicere me mihi, tu refulges et places et amaris et desideraris, ut erubescam de me et abiciam me atque eligam te et nec tibi nec mihi placeam nisi de te. tibi ergo, domine, manifestus sum, quicumque sim.

And indeed to you, Lord, in whose eyes the abyss of human conscience is naked, what would be hidden in me, even if I were unwilling to confess to you? For I would hide you from myself, not myself from you. But now, since my groaning is a witness that I displease myself, you shine forth and are pleasing and are loved and are desired, so that I may blush for myself and cast myself away and choose you, and that I may please neither you nor myself except from you. To you, therefore, Lord, I am manifest, whoever I may be.

et quo fructu tibi confitear, dixi, neque id ago verbis carnis et vocibus, sed verbis animae et clamore cogitationis, quem novit auris tua. cum enim malus sum, nihil est aliud confiteri tibi quam displicere mihi; cum vero pius, nihil est aliud confiteri tibi quam hoc non tribuere mihi, quoniam tu, domine, benedicis iustum, sed prius eum iustificas impium. confessio itaque mea, deus meus, in conspectu tuo tibi tacite fit et non tacite: tacet enim strepitu, clamat affectu.

And with what fruit I should confess to you, I said; nor do I accomplish this by words of the flesh and by voices, but by words of the soul and by the clamor of cogitation, which your ear knows. For when I am evil, to confess to you is nothing else than to be displeasing to myself; but when I am pious, to confess to you is nothing else than not to attribute this to myself, since you, Lord, bless the just, but first you justify the impious. Therefore my confession, my God, in your sight is made to you silently and not silently: for it is silent as to noise, it cries out by affection.

neque enim dico recti aliquid hominibus quod non a me tu prius audieris, aut etiam tu aliquid tale audis a me quod non mihi tu prius dixeris.

For neither do I say anything of rectitude to men which you have not first heard from me, nor do you hear anything of such a kind from me which you have not first said to me.

10.3.3

quid mihi ergo est cum hominibus, ut audiant confessiones meas, quasi ipsi sanaturi sint omnes languores meos? curiosum genus ad cognoscendam vitam alienam, desidiosum ad corrigendam suam. quid a me quaerunt audire qui sim, qui nolunt a te audire qui sint?

What then have I to do with men, that they should hear my confessions, as if they themselves were going to be healed of all my languors? a curious race for coming to know another’s life, slothful for correcting their own. what do they seek to hear from me who I am, who are unwilling to hear from you who they are?

et unde sciunt, cum a me ipso de me ipso audiunt, an verum dicam, quandoquidem nemo scit hominum quid agatur in homine, nisi spiritus hominis qui in ipso est? si autem a te audiant de se ipsis, non poterunt dicere, 'mentitur dominus.' quid est enim a te audire de se nisi cognoscere se? quis porro cognoscit et dicit, 'falsum est,' nisi ipse mentiatur? sed quia caritas omnia credit, inter eos utique quos conexos sibimet unum facit, ego quoque, domine, etiam sic tibi confiteor ut audiant homines, quibus demonstrare non possum an vera confitear.

and whence do they know, when they hear from me about myself, whether I speak truth, since no one of human beings knows what is being done in a human, except the spirit of the human which is in him? but if they hear from you about themselves, they will not be able to say, ‘the lord lies.’ for what is it to hear from you about oneself except to know oneself? who, moreover, knows and says, ‘it is false,’ unless he himself lies? but because charity believes all things, among those, to be sure, whom, connected to one another, it makes one, I too, lord, even thus confess to you so that human beings may hear, to whom I cannot demonstrate whether I confess true things.

sed credunt mihi quorum mihi aures caritas aperit.

but those believe me, whose ears charity opens to me.

10.3.4

verum tamen tu, medice meus intime, quo fructu ista faciam, eliqua mihi. nam confessiones praeteritorum malorum meorum, quae remisisti et texisti ut beares me in te, mutans animam meam fide et sacramento tuo, cum leguntur et audiuntur, excitant cor ne dormiat in desperatione et dicat, 'non possum,' sed evigilet in amore misericordiae tuae et dulcedine gratiae tuae, qua potens est omnis infirmus qui sibi per ipsam fit conscius infirmitatis suae. et delectat bonos audire praeterita mala eorum qui iam carent eis, nec ideo delectat quia mala sunt, sed quia fuerunt et non sunt.

Yet nonetheless you, my most intimate physician, elucidate for me with what fruit I should do these things. For the confessions of my past evils—which you have remitted and covered to beatify me in you, transforming my soul by faith and by your sacrament—when they are read and heard, rouse the heart lest it sleep in desperation and say, 'I cannot,' but let it awaken in the love of your mercy and the sweetness of your grace, by which every infirm person is powerful, who through it becomes to himself conscious of his infirmity. And it delights the good to hear the past evils of those who now are without them; nor does it delight because they are evils, but because they were and are not.

quo itaque fructu, domine meus, cui cotidie confitetur conscientia mea, spe misericordiae tuae securior quam innocentia sua, quo fructu, quaeso, etiam hominibus coram te confiteor per has litteras adhuc quis ego sim, non quis fuerim? nam illum fructum vidi et commemoravi. sed quis adhuc sim, ecce in ipso tempore confessionum mearum, et multi hoc nosse cupiunt qui me noverunt et non me noverunt, qui ex me vel de me aliquid audierunt, sed auris eorum non est ad cor meum, ubi ego sum quicumque sum.

With what fruit, then, my Lord, to whom my conscience confesses daily, more secure by the hope of your mercy than by its own innocence—what fruit, I ask, do I also confess to human beings before you through these letters who I still am, not who I have been? For that fruit I have seen and I have commemorated. But who I still am—behold, in the very time of my confessions—and many desire to know this, who know me and do not know me, who have heard something from me or about me; but their ear is not to my heart, where I am whoever I am.

volunt ergo audire confitente me quid ipse intus sim, quo nec oculum nec aurem nec mentem possunt intendere; credituri tamen volunt, numquid cognituri? dicit enim eis caritas, qua boni sunt, non mentiri me de me confitentem, et ipsa in eis credit mihi.

They therefore want to hear, with me confessing, what I myself am within, to which they can direct neither eye nor ear nor mind; they are willing to believe, indeed—will they by any means come to know? For Charity, by which they are good, tells them that I, confessing about myself, do not lie; and that same Charity in them believes me.

10.4.5

sed quo fructu id volunt? an congratulari mihi cupiunt, cum audierint quantum ad te accedam munere tuo, et orare pro me, cum audierint quantum retarder pondere meo? indicabo me talibus.

but to what fruit do they want that? Or do they desire to congratulate me, when they shall have heard how much I approach to you by your gift, and to pray for me, when they shall have heard how much I am held back by my own weight? I will indicate myself to such as these.

non enim parvus est fructus, domine deus meus, ut a multis tibi gratiae agantur de nobis et a multis rogeris pro nobis. amet in me fraternus animus quod amandum doces, et doleat in me quod dolendum doces. animus ille hoc faciat fraternus, non extraneus, non filiorum alienorum quorum os locutum est vanitatem et dextera eorum dextera iniquitatis, sed fraternus ille, qui cum approbat me, gaudet de me, cum autem improbat me, contristatur pro me, quia sive approbet sive improbet me, diligit me. indicabo me talibus.

For not small is the fruit, O Lord my God, that thanks be rendered to you by many on our account, and that you be besought by many on our behalf. Let a brotherly spirit love in me what you teach is to be loved, and let it grieve in me for what you teach is to be grieved. Let that spirit be brotherly, not a stranger, not of alien sons, whose mouth has spoken vanity and whose right hand is a right hand of iniquity; but that brotherly one which, when it approves me, rejoices over me, and when it disapproves me, is saddened for me, because whether it approves or disapproves me, it loves me. I will disclose myself to such as these.

respirent in bonis meis, suspirent in malis meis. bona mea instituta tua sunt et dona tua, mala mea delicta mea sunt et iudicia tua. respirent in illis et suspirent in his, et hymnus et fletus ascendant in conspectum tuum de fraternis cordibus, turibulis tuis.

let them breathe easy in my goods, let them sigh in my evils. my goods are your institutes and your gifts, my evils are my delicts and your judgments. let them breathe easy in those and sigh in these, and let both hymn and weeping ascend in your sight from fraternal hearts, your thuribles.

tu autem, domine, delectatus odore sancti templi tui, miserere mei secundum magnam misericordiam tuam propter nomen tuum et nequaquam deserens coepta tua consumma imperfecta mea.

but you, Lord, delighted by the odor of your holy temple, have mercy on me according to your great mercy for your name’s sake, and, by no means forsaking your undertakings, consummate my imperfect things.

10.4.6

hic est fructus confessionum mearum, non qualis fuerim sed qualis sim, ut hoc confitear non tantum coram te, secreta exultatione cum tremore et secreto maerore cum spe, sed etiam in auribus credentium filiorum hominum, sociorum gaudii mei et consortium mortalitatis meae, civium meorum et mecum peregrinorum, praecedentium et consequentium et comitum vitae meae. hi sunt servi tui, fratres mei, quos filios tuos esse voluisti dominos meos, quibus iussisti ut serviam, si volo tecum de te vivere. et hoc mihi verbum tuum parum erat si loquendo praeciperet, nisi et faciendo praeiret.

this is the fruit of my confessions, not of what I was but of what I am, that I may confess this not only before you, with secret exultation with trembling and with secret mourning with hope, but also in the ears of the believing sons of men, the partners of my joy and the consortium of my mortality, my fellow citizens and, with me, pilgrims, those going before and those following after and the companions of my life. these are your servants, my brothers, whom you have willed to be your sons, my lords, to whom you have commanded that I should serve, if I wish to live with you of you. and this your word would have been too little for me if it should command by speaking, unless also by doing it should go before.

et ego id ago factis et dictis, id ago sub alis tuis nimis cum ingenti periculo, nisi quia sub alis tuis tibi subdita est anima mea et infirmitas mea tibi nota est. parvulus sum, sed vivit semper pater meus et idoneus est mihi tutor meus. idem ipse est enim qui genuit me et tuetur me, et tu ipse es omnia bona mea, tu omnipotens, qui mecum es et priusquam tecum sim.

And I do this by deeds and by words; I do this under your wings, with very great peril—except that under your wings my soul is subjected to you and my infirmity is known to you. I am a little one, but my father lives always, and my tutor is fit for me. For it is the same very one who begot me and watches over me, and you yourself are all my good things, you the omnipotent, who are with me even before I am with you.

indicabo ergo talibus qualibus iubes ut serviam, non quis fuerim, sed quis iam sim et quis adhuc sim; sed neque me ipsum diiudico. sic itaque audiar.

I will indicate, therefore, to such persons as those whom you bid that I serve, not who I have been, but who I now am and who I still am; but neither do I judge myself. Thus, therefore, let me be heard.

10.5.7

tu enim, domine, diiudicas me, quia etsi nemo scit hominum quae sunt hominis, nisi spiritus hominis qui in ipso est, tamen est aliquid hominis quod nec ipse scit spiritus hominis qui in ipso est. tu autem, domine, scis eius omnia, quia fecisti eum. ego vero quamvis prae tuo conspectu me despiciam et aestimem me terram et cinerem, tamen aliquid de te scio quod de me nescio.

for you, Lord, adjudge me, because although no one of men knows the things that are of a man, except the spirit of the man which is in him, yet there is something of the man that not even the spirit of the man which is in him knows. but you, Lord, know all his things, because you made him. as for me, although before your sight I despise myself and esteem myself earth and ashes, yet I know something of you which I do not know of myself.

et certe videmus nunc per speculum in aenigmate, nondum facie ad faciem. et ideo, quamdiu peregrinor abs te, mihi sum praesentior quam tibi et tamen te novi nullo modo posse violari; ego vero quibus temptationibus resistere valem quibusve non valeam, nescio. et spes est, quia fidelis es, qui nos non sinis temptari supra quam possumus ferre, sed facis cum temptatione etiam exitum, ut possimus sustinere.

and surely we see now through a mirror in an enigma, not yet face to face. and therefore, so long as I am a pilgrim away from you, I am more present to myself than to you, and yet I know you to be in no way able to be violated; but as for me, by which temptations I am able to resist and by which I am not able, I do not know. and there is hope, because you are faithful, who do not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but you also make with the temptation an exit, that we may be able to endure.

confitear ergo quid de me sciam, confitear et quid de me nesciam, quoniam et quod de me scio, te mihi lucente scio, et quod de me nescio, tamdiu nescio, donec fiant tenebrae meae sicut meridies in vultu tuo.

Let me confess, then, what I know about myself; let me confess also what I do not know about myself, since even what I know about myself I know with you shining upon me, and what I do not know about myself I do not know until my darkness becomes like midday in your countenance.

10.6.8

non dubia sed certa conscientia, domine, amo te: percussisti cor meum verbo tuo, et amavi te. sed et caelum et terra et omnia quae in eis sunt, ecce undique mihi dicunt ut te amem, nec cessant dicere omnibus, ut sint inexcusabiles. altius autem tu misereberis cui misertus eris, et misericordiam praestabis cui misericors fueris: alioquin caelum et terra surdis loquuntur laudes tuas. quid autem amo, cum te amo?

Not with a doubtful but with a certain conscience, Lord, I love you: you struck my heart with your word, and I loved you. But both heaven and earth and all things that are in them, lo, from every side say to me that I should love you, nor do they cease to say this to all, so that they may be inexcusable. Yet more deeply you will have mercy on whom you will have had mercy, and you will bestow mercy on whom you will have been merciful: otherwise heaven and earth speak your praises to the deaf. But what do I love, when I love you?

non speciem corporis nec decus temporis, non candorem lucis, ecce istis amicum oculis, non dulces melodias cantilenarum omnimodarum, non florum et unguentorum et aromatum suaviolentiam, non manna et mella, non membra acceptabilia carnis amplexibus: non haec amo, cum amo deum meum, et tamen amo quandam lucem et quandam vocem et quendam odorem et quendam cibum et quendam amplexum, cum amo deum meum, lucem, vocem, odorem, cibum, amplexum interioris hominis mei, ubi fulget animae meae quod non capit locus, et ubi sonat quod non rapit tempus, et ubi olet quod non spargit flatus, et ubi sapit quod non minuit edacitas, et ubi haeret quod non divellit satietas. hoc est quod amo, cum deum meum amo.

not the species of a body nor the adornment of time, not the candor of light—behold, friendly to these eyes—not the sweet melodies of songs of every kind, not the suave fragrance of flowers and unguents and aromata, not manna and honey, not limbs welcome to the embraces of the flesh: these I do not love when I love my God; and yet I love a certain light and a certain voice and a certain odor and a certain food and a certain embrace, when I love my God—the light, voice, odor, food, embrace of my inner man, where there shines for my soul that which place does not contain, and where there sounds that which time does not snatch away, and where there is a fragrance which breath does not scatter, and where there is a savor which edacity does not diminish, and where there cleaves that which satiety does not tear asunder. This is what I love when I love my God.

10.6.9

et quid est hoc? interrogavi terram, et dixit, 'non sum.' et quaecumque in eadem sunt, idem confessa sunt. interrogavi mare et abyssos et reptilia animarum vivarum, et responderunt, 'non sumus deus tuus; quaere super nos.' interrogavi auras flabiles, et inquit universus aer cum incolis suis, 'fallitur Anaximenes; non sum deus.' interrogavi caelum, solem, lunam, stellas: 'neque nos sumus deus, quem quaeris,' inquiunt.

and what is this? I questioned the earth, and it said, 'I am not.' And whatever things are in it confessed the same. I questioned the sea and the abysses and the creeping things of living beings, and they answered, 'We are not your god; seek above us.' I questioned the blowing breezes, and the whole air with its inhabitants says, 'Anaximenes is mistaken; I am not god.' I questioned heaven, the sun, the moon, the stars: 'Neither are we the god whom you seek,' they say.

et dixi omnibus his quae circumstant fores carnis meae, 'dicite mihi de deo meo, quod vos non estis, dicite mihi de illo aliquid,' et exclamaverunt voce magna, 'ipse fecit nos.' interrogatio mea intentio mea et responsio eorum species eorum. et direxi me ad me et dixi mihi, 'tu quis es?' et respondi, 'homo.' et ecce corpus et anima in me mihi praesto sunt, unum exterius et alterum interius. quid horum est unde quaerere debui deum meum, quem iam quaesiveram per corpus a terra usque ad caelum, quousque potui mittere nuntios radios oculorum meorum?

and I said to all these things which stand around the doors of my flesh, ‘tell me of my God—of whom you are not—tell me something of him’; and they cried out with a great voice, ‘He himself made us.’ My interrogation was my intention, and their response was their species—their appearance. And I directed myself to myself and said to me, ‘Who are you?’ and I answered, ‘A man.’ And behold, body and soul are present to me in me, one exterior and the other interior. Which of these is it, from which I ought to seek my God, whom I had already sought through the body from earth up to heaven, as far as I could send as messengers the rays of my eyes?

sed melius quod interius. ei quippe renuntiabant omnes nuntii corporales, praesidenti et iudicanti de responsionibus caeli et terrae et omnium quae in eis sunt dicentium, 'non sumus deus' et, 'ipse fecit nos.' homo interior cognovit haec per exterioris ministerium; ego interior cognovi haec, ego, ego animus per sensum corporis mei, interrogavi mundi molem de deo meo, et respondit mihi, 'non ego sum, sed ipse me fecit.'

but better is what is interior. to it indeed all the bodily messengers were reporting back, to the one presiding and judging concerning the responses of heaven and earth and of all things that are in them, saying, 'we are not God' and, 'he himself made us.' the interior man knew these things through the ministry of the exterior; I interior knew these things, I, I the soul through the sense of my body, I questioned the mass of the world about my God, and it answered me, 'I am not he, but he himself made me.'

10.6.10

nonne omnibus quibus integer sensus est apparet haec species? cur non omnibus eadem loquitur? animalia pusilla et magna vident eam, sed interrogare nequeunt, non enim praeposita est in eis nuntiantibus sensibus iudex ratio.

Does not this appearance appear to all who have sound sense? Why does it not speak the same to all? The small and the great animals see it, but they cannot interrogate, for there is not set in them, presiding over their announcing senses, the judging reason.

homines autem possunt interrogare, ut invisibilia dei per ea quae facta sunt intellecta conspiciant, sed amore subduntur eis et subditi iudicare non possunt. nec respondent ista interrogantibus nisi iudicantibus, nec vocem suam mutant, id est speciem suam, si alius tantum videat, alius autem videns interroget, ut aliter illi appareat, aliter huic, sed eodem modo utrique apparens illi muta est, huic loquitur: immo vero omnibus loquitur, sed illi intellegunt qui eius vocem acceptam foris intus cum veritate conferunt. veritas enim dicit mihi, 'non est deus tuus terra et caelum neque omne corpus.' hoc dicit eorum natura.

But human beings can ask, so that they may behold the invisible things of God, understood through the things that have been made; yet by love they are subjected to them, and being subjected they cannot judge. Nor do these things respond to those who question, except to those who judge; nor do they change their voice, that is, their appearance, if one man only sees, but another, seeing, also questions, so that it might appear otherwise to that one and otherwise to this one; rather, appearing in the same way to both, to that one it is mute, to this one it speaks: nay rather it speaks to all, but they understand who compare within, with Truth, its voice received from without. For Truth says to me, 'Your God is not earth and heaven nor any body.' Their nature says this.

viden? moles est, minor in parte quam in toto. iam tu melior es, tibi dico, anima, quoniam tu vegetas molem corporis tui praebens ei vitam, quod nullum corpus praestat corpori.

Do you see? It is a mass, lesser in the part than in the whole. Already you are better— to you I speak, soul— since you vivify the mass of your body, supplying it with life, which no body bestows upon a body.

deus autem tuus etiam tibi vitae vita est.

But your God is also for you the life of life.

10.7.11

quid ergo amo, cum deum meum amo? quis est ille super caput animae meae? per ipsam animam meam ascendam ad illum.

What then do I love, when I love my God? Who is he above the head of my soul? Through my very soul I will ascend to him.

transibo vim meam qua haereo corpori et vitaliter compagem eius repleo. non ea vi reperio deum meum, nam reperiret et equus et mulus, quibus non est intellectus, et est eadem vis qua vivunt etiam eorum corpora. est alia vis, non solum qua vivifico sed etiam qua sensifico carnem meam, quam mihi fabricavit dominus, iubens oculo ut non audiat, et auri ut non videat, sed illi per quem videam, huic per quam audiam, et propria singillatim ceteris sensibus sedibus suis et officiis suis: quae diversa per eos ago unus ego animus.

I shall pass beyond my force by which I cling to the body and vitally fill its framework. Not by that force do I find my God, for a horse and a mule would find him too—though they have no intellect—and it is the same force by which their bodies also live. There is another force, not only by which I vivify but also by which I sensify my flesh, which the Lord fashioned for me, bidding the eye not to hear and the ear not to see, but to that by which I may see, to this by which I may hear, and to the other senses severally their own proper seats and offices: which diverse things I, one mind, perform through them.

transibo et istam vim meam, nam et hanc habet equus et mulus: sentiunt enim etiam ipsi per corpus.

I will pass beyond even that power of mine, for a horse and a mule have this too: for they too sense through the body.

10.8.12

transibo ergo et istam naturae meae, gradibus ascendens ad eum qui fecit me, et venio in campos et lata praetoria memoriae, ubi sunt thesauri innumerabilium imaginum de cuiuscemodi rebus sensis invectarum. ibi reconditum est quidquid etiam cogitamus, vel augendo vel minuendo vel utcumque variando ea quae sensus attigerit, et si quid aliud commendatum et repositum est quod nondum absorbuit et sepelivit oblivio. ibi quando sum, posco ut proferatur quidquid volo, et quaedam statim prodeunt, quaedam requiruntur diutius et tamquam de abstrusioribus quibusdam receptaculis eruuntur, quaedam catervatim se proruunt et, dum aliud petitur et quaeritur, prosiliunt in medium quasi dicentia, 'ne forte nos sumus?' et abigo ea manu cordis a facie recordationis meae, donec enubiletur quod volo atque in conspectum prodeat ex abditis.

I will pass beyond, then, even this of my nature, ascending by steps to him who made me, and I come into the fields and the broad praetoria of memory, where are the treasuries of innumerable images of things of every sort, carried in by the senses. There is stored whatever also we think, whether by increasing or by diminishing or by however varying the things which the senses have touched, and whatever else has been entrusted and laid away which oblivion has not yet absorbed and buried. There, when I am, I demand that whatever I will be brought forth, and some things come forth at once, some are sought longer and are, as it were, dug out from certain more hidden receptacles, some in crowds thrust themselves forward and, while another thing is asked and sought, they leap forth into the midst as if saying, ‘perhaps it is we?’ And I drive them away with the hand of my heart from the face of my recollection, until what I want is made cloudless and comes forth into sight from its hidings.

alia faciliter atque imperturbata serie sicut poscuntur suggeruntur, et cedunt praecedentia consequentibus et cedendo conduntur, iterum cum voluero processura. quod totum fit cum aliquid narro memoriter.

others are supplied easily and in an unperturbed series just as they are demanded, and the preceding yield to the following and by yielding are laid away, to come forth again when I shall wish. All this happens when I narrate something from memory.

10.8.13

ibi sunt omnia distincte generatimque servata, quae suo quaeque aditu ingesta sunt, sicut lux atque omnes colores formaeque corporum per oculos, per aures autem omnia genera sonorum omnesque odores per aditum narium, omnes sapores per oris aditum, a sensu autem totius corporis, quid durum, quid molle, quid calidum frigidumve, lene aut asperum, grave seu leve sive extrinsecus sive intrinsecus corpori. haec omnia recipit recolenda cum opus est et retractanda grandis memoriae recessus et nescio qui secreti atque ineffabiles sinus eius: quae omnia suis quaeque foribus intrant ad eam et reponuntur in ea. nec ipsa tamen intrant, sed rerum sensarum imagines illic praesto sunt cogitationi reminiscenti eas. quae quomodo fabricatae sint, quis dicit, cum appareat quibus sensibus raptae sint interiusque reconditae?

there all things are preserved distinctly and by kinds, which each were brought in by its own access, as light and all colors and the forms of bodies through the eyes, but through the ears all kinds of sounds, and all odors through the access of the nostrils, all tastes through the access of the mouth, and from the sense of the whole body: what is hard, what soft, what hot or cold, smooth or rough, heavy or light, whether from without or from within to the body. all these the great recess of memory receives, to be recalled when there is need and to be reconsidered, and its I-know-not-what secret and ineffable folds: all of which enter to it by their respective doors and are laid up in it. yet they themselves do not enter, but the images of the things sensed are there at hand for the thought that remembers them. and how these have been fashioned, who can tell, since it is apparent by which senses they were seized and stored within?

nam et in tenebris atque in silentio dum habito, in memoria mea profero, si volo, colores, et discerno inter album et nigrum et inter quos alios volo, nec incurrunt soni atque perturbant quod per oculos haustum considero, cum et ipsi ibi sint et quasi seorsum repositi lateant. nam et ipsos posco, si placet, atque adsunt illico, et quiescente lingua ac silente gutture canto quantum volo, imaginesque illae colorum, quae nihilo minus ibi sunt, non se interponunt neque interrumpunt, cum thesaurus alius retractatur qui influxit ab auribus. ita cetera quae per sensus ceteros ingesta atque congesta sunt recordor prout libet, et auram liliorum discerno a violis nihil olfaciens, et mel defrito, lene aspero, nihil tum gustando neque contrectando sed reminiscendo antepono.

for even while I abide in darkness and in silence, in my memory I bring forth, if I will, colors, and I discern between white and black and among whatever others I please; nor do sounds rush in and disturb what I consider as having been imbibed through the eyes, since they too are there and, as if laid away apart, lie hidden. for I also summon them, if it pleases, and they are present straightway; and with the tongue at rest and the throat silent I sing as much as I will, and those images of colors, which are there none the less, do not intrude themselves nor interrupt, when another treasury is being handled again which has flowed in by the ears. so too I recall the rest of the things that have been brought in and heaped up through the other senses, just as I please, and I distinguish the breath/scent of lilies from that of violets while smelling nothing; and I prefer honey to defrutum (boiled-down must), the smooth to the rough, while then neither tasting nor handling, but by remembering.

10.8.14

intus haec ago, in aula ingenti memoriae meae. ibi enim mihi caelum et terra et mare praesto sunt cum omnibus quae in eis sentire potui, praeter illa quae oblitus sum. ibi mihi et ipse occurro meque recolo, quid, quando et ubi egerim quoque modo, cum agerem, affectus fuerim.

Within I do these things, in the vast hall of my memory. For there for me heaven and earth and sea are present with all the things which in them I was able to sense, except those which I have forgotten. There I too meet myself and recollect myself: what, when, and where I have done, and also how, while I was doing it, I was affected.

ibi sunt omnia quae sive experta a me sive credita memini. ex eadem copia etiam similitudines rerum vel expertarum vel ex eis quas expertus sum creditarum alias atque alias, et ipse contexo praeteritis atque ex his etiam futuras actiones et eventa et spes, et haec omnia rursus quasi praesentia meditor. 'faciam hoc et illud' dico apud me in ipso ingenti sinu animi mei pleno tot et tantarum rerum imaginibus, et hoc aut illud sequitur.

there are there all the things which I remember, whether experienced by me or believed. from the same store I also [draw] the similitudes of things, either of those experienced or of those believed from the things I have experienced, now one and now another; and I myself weave together with past things, and from these also future actions and events and hopes, and I meditate on all these again as if present. ‘I will do this and that,’ I say with myself in the very vast bosom of my mind, full of images of so many and such great things, and this or that follows.

'o si esset hoc aut illud!' 'avertat deus hoc aut illud!' dico apud me ista et, cum dico, praesto sunt imagines omnium quae dico ex eodem thesauro memoriae, nec omnino aliquid eorum dicerem, si defuissent.

'o if this or that were!' 'may God avert this or that!' I say these things to myself, and, when I say them, the images of all the things I say are at hand from that same treasury of memory, nor indeed would I say any of them at all, if they had been lacking.

10.8.15

magna ista vis est memoriae, magna nimis, deus meus, penetrale amplum et infinitum. quis ad fundum eius pervenit? et vis est haec animi mei atque ad meam naturam pertinet, nec ego ipse capio totum quod sum.

Great is that power of memory, too great, my God, an ample and infinite inner sanctuary. Who has reached its bottom? And this is a power of my mind and pertains to my nature, nor do I myself comprehend the whole of what I am.

ergo animus ad habendum se ipsum angustus est, ut ubi sit quod sui non capit? numquid extra ipsum ac non in ipso? quomodo ergo non capit?

Therefore the mind is straitened to have itself, so that where is that which of itself it does not contain? Is it perhaps outside itself and not in itself? How then does it not contain it?

multa mihi super hoc oboritur admiratio, stupor apprehendit me. et eunt homines mirari alta montium et ingentes fluctus maris et latissimos lapsus fluminum et oceani ambitum et gyros siderum, et relinquunt se ipsos, nec mirantur quod haec omnia, cum dicerem, non ea videbam oculis, nec tamen dicerem, nisi montes et fluctus et flumina et sidera quae vidi et oceanum quem credidi intus in memoria mea viderem, spatiis tam ingentibus quasi foris viderem. nec ea tamen videndo absorbui quando vidi oculis, nec ipsa sunt apud me sed imagines eorum, et novi quid ex quo sensu corporis impressum sit mihi.

Much admiration arises for me over this; stupor seizes me. And men go forth to marvel at the lofty heights of mountains, and the huge billows of the sea, and the very broad courses of rivers, and the circuit of the ocean, and the gyres of the stars, and they leave themselves behind, nor do they marvel at the fact that all these things, as I was saying them, I was not seeing with my eyes; and yet I would not be saying them unless I were seeing within, in my memory, the mountains and waves and rivers and stars which I have seen, and the ocean which I have believed, in spaces so immense as if I were seeing them outside. Nor by seeing did I absorb them when I saw with the eyes, nor are they themselves with me but the images of them, and I know what from which bodily sense has been impressed upon me.

10.9.16

sed non ea sola gestat immensa ista capacitas memoriae meae. hic sunt et illa omnia quae de doctrinis liberalibus percepta nondum exciderunt, quasi remota interiore loco non loco; nec eorum imagines, sed res ipsas gero. nam quid sit litteratura, quid peritia disputandi, quot genera quaestionum, quidquid horum scio, sic est in memoria mea ut non retenta imagine rem foris reliquerim, aut sonuerit et praeterierit sicut vox impressa per aures vestigio quo recoleretur, quasi sonaret cum iam non sonaret, aut sicut odor, dum transit et vanescit in ventos, olfactum afficit, unde traicit in memoriam imaginem sui quam reminiscendo repetamus, aut sicut cibus qui certe in ventre iam non sapit et tamen in memoria quasi sapit, aut sicut aliquid quod corpore tangendo sentitur, quod etiam separatum a nobis imaginatur memoria.

but not those alone does that immense capacity of my memory carry. Here too are all those things which, received from the liberal disciplines, have not yet fallen out, as though removed into an inner place, not a place; and I bear not their images, but the things themselves. For what literature is, what the expertise of disputation is, how many genera of questions there are—whatever of these I know—is in my memory in such a way that I have not, with an image retained, left the thing outside, or that it had sounded and passed by like a voice imprinted through the ears with a trace by which it might be recollected, as though it sounded when it no longer sounded; or like an odor which, while it passes and vanishes into the winds, affects the smell, whence it transfers into memory an image of itself which, by remembering, we might call back; or like food which assuredly no longer tastes in the belly and yet in memory, as it were, tastes; or like something which is sensed by touching with the body, which also, separated from us, is imaged by memory.

istae quippe res non intromittuntur ad eam, sed earum solae imagines mira celeritate capiuntur et miris tamquam cellis reponuntur et mirabiliter recordando proferuntur.

For indeed those things are not introduced into it, but only their images are captured with wondrous celerity and are laid up in marvelous, as it were, cells, and are wondrously brought forth by recalling.

10.10.17

at vero, cum audio tria genera esse quaestionum, an sit, quid sit, quale sit, sonorum quidem quibus haec verba confecta sunt imagines teneo, et eos per auras cum strepitu transisse ac iam non esse scio. res vero ipsas quae illis significantur sonis neque ullo sensu corporis attigi neque uspiam vidi praeter animum meum, et in memoria recondidi non imagines earum, sed ipsas: quae unde ad me intraverint dicant, si possunt. nam percurro ianuas omnes carnis meae, nec invenio qua earum ingressae sint.

But indeed, when I hear that there are three genera of questions—whether it is, what it is, of what sort it is—I do retain the images of the sounds by which these words are composed, and I know that they passed through the air with a clatter and now are not. But the very things themselves which are signified by those sounds I have touched by no bodily sense, nor have I seen them anywhere except in my mind, and in memory I have stowed away not their images, but the things themselves: let them say whence they have entered into me, if they can. For I run over all the doors of my flesh, and I do not find by which of them they entered.

quippe oculi dicunt, 'si coloratae sunt, nos eas nuntiavimus'; aures dicunt, 'si sonuerunt, a nobis indicatae sunt'; nares dicunt, 'si oluerunt, per nos transierunt'; dicit etiam sensus gustandi, 'si sapor non est, nihil me interroges'; tactus dicit, 'si corpulentum non est, non contrectavi; si non contrectavi, non indicavi.' unde et qua haec intraverunt in memoriam meam? nescio quomodo. nam cum ea didici, non credidi alieno cordi, sed in meo recognovi et vera esse approbavi et commendavi ei, tamquam reponens unde proferrem cum vellem.

for indeed the eyes say, 'if they are colored, we announced them'; the ears say, 'if they sounded, they were indicated by us'; the nostrils (nares) say, 'if they gave off odor, they passed through us'; the sense of tasting also says, 'if there is no savor, ask me nothing'; touch says, 'if it is not corporeal, I did not handle it; if I did not handle it, I did not indicate it.' whence and by what did these enter into my memory? I know not how. for when I learned them, I did not trust them to another’s heart, but in my own I recognized them and approved them to be true and commended them to it, as though laying them away whence I might bring them forth when I wished.

ibi ergo erant et antequam ea didicissem, sed in memoria non erant. ubi ergo aut quare, cum dicerentur, agnovi et dixi, 'ita est, verum est,' nisi quia iam erant in memoria, sed tam remota et retrusa quasi in cavis abditioribus ut, nisi admonente aliquo eruerentur, ea fortasse cogitare non possem?

There, then, they were even before I had learned them, but they were not in memory. Where then, or why, when they were being spoken, did I recognize and say, 'so it is, it is true,' unless because they were already in memory, but so remote and thrust back, as it were in more hidden cavities, that, unless by someone’s admonition they were dug out, perhaps I could not cogitate them?

10.11.18

quocirca invenimus nihil esse aliud discere ista quorum non per sensus haurimus imagines, sed sine imaginibus, sicuti sunt, per se ipsa intus cernimus, nisi ea quae passim atque indisposite memoria continebat, cogitando quasi conligere atque animadvertendo curare, ut tamquam ad manum posita in ipsa memoria, ubi sparsa prius et neglecta latitabant, iam familiari intentioni facile occurrant. et quam multa huius modi gestat memoria mea, quae iam inventa sunt et, sicut dixi, quasi ad manum posita, quae didicisse et nosse dicimur. quae si modestis temporum intervallis recolere desivero, ita rursus demerguntur et quasi in remotiora penetralia dilabuntur, ut denuo velut nova excogitanda sint indidem iterum (neque enim est alia regio eorum) et cogenda rursus, ut sciri possint, id est velut ex quadam dispersione conligenda, unde dictum est cogitare.

Wherefore we find that to learn those things whose images we do not draw through the senses, but without images, just as they are, we behold within by themselves, is nothing else than to collect, as it were, by thinking, and by taking heed through noticing, those things which memory was containing here and there and without arrangement, so to care for them that, as if placed at hand in memory itself—where, scattered before and neglected, they were lying hidden—they now readily meet a familiar attention. And how many things of this kind my memory carries, which have already been found and, as I said, placed as it were at hand—things which we are said to have learned and to know. If I cease to recollect them at modest intervals of time, they are submerged again and, as it were, slip away into more remote inner chambers, so that once more they must be devised as if new from the same place again (for there is no other region of them) and gathered again, in order that they may be known—that is, as if gathered together from a certain dispersion, whence it is said “to think” (cogitate), from con-collecting.

nam cogo et cogito sic est, ut ago et agito, facio et factito. verum tamen sibi animus hoc verbum proprie vindicavit, ut non quod alibi, sed quod in animo conligitur, id est cogitur, cogitari proprie iam dicatur.

for cogo and cogito are related as ago and agito, do and do repeatedly. nevertheless the mind has specially claimed this word for itself, so that not what is gathered elsewhere, but what is gathered in the mind—that is, is brought together (is “coged”)—is now properly said to be cogitated.

10.12.19

item continet memoria numerorum dimensionumque rationes et leges innumerabiles, quarum nullam corporis sensus impressit, quia nec ipsae coloratae sunt aut sonant aut olent aut gustatae aut contrectatae sunt. audivi sonos verborum, quibus significantur cum de his disseritur, sed illi alii, istae autem alia sunt. nam illi aliter graece, aliter latine sonant, istae vero nec graecae nec latinae sunt nec aliud eloquiorum genus.

likewise memory contains the innumerable ratios and laws of numbers and of dimensions, none of which the sense of the body has impressed, since neither are they colored or do they sound or smell or are tasted or handled. I have heard the sounds of the words by which they are signified when there is discourse about these things, but those are one thing, whereas these are another. For those sound one way in Greek, another in Latin; but these are neither Greek nor Latin nor any other kind of language.

vidi lineas fabrorum vel etiam tenuissimas, sicut filum araneae, sed illae aliae sunt, non sunt imagines earum quas mihi nuntiavit carnis oculus. novit eas quisquis sine ulla cogitatione qualiscumque corporis intus agnovit eas. sensi etiam numeros omnibus corporis sensibus quos numeramus, sed illi alii sunt quibus numeramus, nec imagines istorum sunt et ideo valde sunt.

I have seen the lines of craftsmen, or even the most tenuous, like a spider’s thread; but those are different—they are not images of those which the eye of the flesh reported to me. Whoever has inwardly recognized them without any cogitation of whatever kind of body knows them. I have also sensed numbers by all the senses of the body—the numbers that we count—but those by which we count are different; nor are they images of these, and therefore they very much are.

rideat me ista dicentem qui non eos videt, et ego doleam ridentem me.

Let him who does not see them laugh at me as I say these things, and I, for my part, will grieve for him as he laughs at me.

10.13.20

haec omnia memoria teneo et quomodo ea didicerim memoria teneo. multa etiam quae adversus haec falsissime disputantur audivi et memoria teneo. quae tametsi falsa sunt, tamen ea meminisse me non est falsum.

I hold all these things in memory, and I hold in memory how I learned them. Many things also, which are most falsely disputed against these, I have heard and I hold in memory. Which, although they are false, nevertheless my remembering them is not false.

et discrevisse me inter illa vera et haec falsa quae contra dicuntur, et hoc memini aliterque nunc video discernere me ista, aliter autem memini saepe me discrevisse, cum ea saepe cogitarem. ergo et intellexisse me saepius ista memini, et quod nunc discerno et intellego, recondo in memoria, ut postea me nunc intellexisse meminerim. ergo et meminisse me memini, sicut postea, quod haec reminisci nunc potui, si recordabor, utique per vim memoriae recordabor.

and that I have distinguished between those true things and these false things which are spoken in opposition, and this I remember; and I now see that I discern these matters differently, whereas I remember that I have often distinguished them otherwise when I often pondered them. therefore I also remember that I have more than once understood these things, and what I now discern and understand I store away in memory, so that afterward I may remember that I have now understood. therefore I remember that I remember, just as later, if I recollect that I have now been able to reminisce these things, assuredly by the force of memory I shall recollect.

10.14.21

affectiones quoque animi mei eadem memoria continet, non illo modo quo eas habet ipse animus cum patitur eas, sed alio multum diverso, sicut sese habet vis memoriae. nam et laetatum me fuisse reminiscor non laetus, et tristitiam meam praeteritam recordor non tristis, et me aliquando timuisse recolo sine timore et pristinae cupiditatis sine cupiditate sum memor. aliquando et e contrario tristitiam meam transactam laetus reminiscor et tristis laetitiam.

the same memory also contains the affections of my mind, not in that manner in which the mind itself has them when it suffers them, but in another very different way, as the power of memory comports itself. For I also recall that I rejoiced, not joyful; and I remember my past sadness, not sad; and I recollect that I once feared, without fear; and I am mindful of former cupidity, without cupidity. Sometimes too, on the contrary, I, glad, recall my sadness now transacted, and, sad, joy.

quod mirandum non est de corpore: aliud enim animus, aliud corpus. itaque si praeteritum dolorem corporis gaudens memini, non ita mirum est. hic vero, cum animus sit etiam ipsa memoria (nam et cum mandamus aliquid ut memoriter habeatur, dicimus, 'vide ut illud in animo habeas,' et cum obliviscimur, dicimus, 'non fuit in animo' et 'elapsum est animo,' ipsam memoriam vocantes animum), cum ergo ita sit, quid est hoc, quod cum tristitiam meam praeteritam laetus memini, animus habet laetitiam et memoria tristitiam laetusque est animus ex eo quod inest ei laetitia, memoria vero ex eo quod inest ei tristitia tristis non est?

which is not a thing to be marveled at in the case of the body: for the mind is one thing, the body another. And so, if rejoicing I remember a past pain of the body, it is not so wondrous. But here, since the mind is even memory itself (for when we commit something to be held by rote, we say, ‘see that you have that in mind,’ and when we forget, we say, ‘it was not in mind,’ and ‘it slipped from the mind,’ calling memory itself “mind”), since this is so, what is this, that when rejoicing I remember my past sadness, the mind has joy and memory has sadness, and the mind is joyful from that which is in it, namely joy, yet memory, from that which is in it, namely sadness, is not sad?

num forte non pertinet ad animum? quis hoc dixerit? nimirum ergo memoria quasi venter est animi, laetitia vero atque tristitia quasi cibus dulcis et amarus: cum memoriae commendantur, quasi traiecta in ventrem recondi illic possunt, sapere non possunt.

Does it perchance not pertain to the mind? Who would say this? Clearly, then, memory is, as it were, the belly of the mind, while joy and sadness are like sweet and bitter food: when they are commended to memory, as if transferred into the belly they can be stored there; they cannot be tasted.

ridiculum est haec illis similia putare, nec tamen sunt omni modo dissimilia.

It is ridiculous to think these similar to those, and yet they are not in every way dissimilar.

10.14.22

sed ecce de memoria profero, cum dico quattuor esse perturbationes animi, cupiditatem, laetitiam, metum, tristitiam, et quidquid de his disputare potuero, dividendo singula per species sui cuiusque generis et definiendo, ibi invenio quid dicam atque inde profero, nec tamen ulla earum perturbatione perturbor cum eas reminiscendo commemoro. et antequam recolerentur a me et retractarentur, ibi erant; propterea inde per recordationem potuere depromi. forte ergo sicut de ventre cibus ruminando, sic ista de memoria recordando proferuntur.

but behold, I bring forth from memory, when I say that there are four perturbations of the mind—desire, joy, fear, sadness—and whatever I shall be able to dispute concerning these, by dividing each according to the species of its own genus and by defining, there I find what I shall say and from there I bring it out; nor yet am I disturbed by any perturbation of them when, remembering, I commemorate them. And before they were recollected and reconsidered by me, there they were; therefore from there, through recollection, they could be drawn forth. Perhaps, then, just as food from the belly by ruminating, so these things from memory by recalling are brought forth.

cur igitur in ore cogitationis non sentitur a disputante, hoc est a reminiscente, laetitiae dulcedo vel amaritudo maestitiae? an in hoc dissimile est, quod non undique simile est? quis enim talia volens loqueretur, si quotiens tristitiam metumve nominamus, totiens maerere vel timere cogeremur?

Why, then, on the mouth of thought is the sweetness of joy or the bitterness of sadness not sensed by the disputant, that is, by the one reminiscing? Or is it in this respect dissimilar, that it is not on all sides similar? For who would willingly speak of such things, if as often as we name sadness or fear, so often we were compelled to grieve or to fear?

et tamen non ea loqueremur, nisi in memoria nostra non tantum sonos nominum secundum imagines impressas a sensibus corporis sed etiam rerum ipsarum notiones inveniremus, quas nulla ianua carnis accepimus, sed eas ipse animus per experientiam passionum suarum sentiens memoriae commendavit aut ipsa sibi haec etiam non commendata retinuit.

and yet we would not speak of these things, unless in our memory we found not only the sounds of the names according to images impressed by the senses of the body, but also the notions of the things themselves, which through no doorway of the flesh we have received, but the mind itself, sensing through the experience of its own passions, has commended them to memory, or it itself has retained these even when not commended.

10.15.23

sed utrum per imagines an non, quis facile dixerit? nomino quippe lapidem, nomino solem, cum res ipsae non adsunt sensibus meis; in memoria sane mea praesto sunt imagines earum. nomino dolorem corporis, nec mihi adest dum nihil dolet; nisi tamen adesset imago eius in memoria mea, nescirem quid dicerem nec eum in disputando a voluptate discernerem.

But whether through images or not, who would easily say? For I name a stone, I name the sun, when the things themselves are not present to my senses; in my memory, to be sure, the images of them are at hand. I name bodily pain, and it is not present to me when nothing hurts; yet unless its image were present in my memory, I would not know what I was saying, nor would I in disputation discern it from pleasure.

nomino salutem corporis cum salvus sum corpore; adest mihi quidem res ipsa. verum tamen nisi et imago eius inesset in memoria mea, nullo modo recordarer quid huius nominis significaret sonus, nec aegrotantes agnoscerent salute nominata quid esset dictum, nisi eadem imago vi memoriae teneretur, quamvis ipsa res abesset a corpore. nomino numeros quibus numeramus; en adsunt in memoria mea non imagines eorum, sed ipsi.

I name the health of the body when I am sound in body; the thing itself is indeed present to me. Nevertheless, unless its image also were in my memory, in no way would I recall what the sound of this name signifies, nor would the sick, when health is named, recognize what was said, unless the same image were held by the force of memory, although the thing itself were absent from the body. I name the numbers by which we enumerate; lo, they are present in my memory, not their images, but themselves.

nomino imaginem solis, et haec adest in memoria mea, neque enim imaginem imaginis eius, sed ipsam recolo; ipsa mihi reminiscenti praesto est. nomino memoriam et agnosco quod nomino. et ubi agnosco nisi in ipsa memoria?

I name the image of the sun, and this is present in my memory; for I recollect not an image of its image, but the thing itself; the thing itself is at hand to me as I reminisce. I name memory and I recognize what I name. And where do I recognize it except in memory itself?

num et ipsa per imaginem suam sibi adest ac non per se ipsam?

Is even it present to itself through its own image, and not through itself?

10.16.24

quid, cum oblivionem nomino atque itidem agnosco quod nomino, unde agnoscerem nisi meminissem? non eundem sonum nominis dico, sed rem quam significat. quam si oblitus essem, quid ille valeret sonus agnoscere utique non valerem.

What then, when I name oblivion and likewise recognize what I name—whence would I recognize it unless I remembered? I do not mean the same sound of the name, but the thing which it signifies. Which, if I had forgotten it, what would that sound avail? I assuredly would not be able to recognize it.

ergo cum memoriam memini, per se ipsam sibi praesto est ipsa memoria. cum vero memini oblivionem, et memoria praesto est et oblivio, memoria qua meminerim, oblivio quam meminerim. sed quid est oblivio nisi privatio memoriae?

Therefore, when I remember memory, memory itself, by itself, is present to itself. But when I remember oblivion, both memory is present and oblivion: memory whereby I remember, oblivion which I remember. But what is oblivion if not the privation of memory?

quomodo ergo adest ut eam meminerim, quando cum adest meminisse non possum? at si quod meminimus memoria retinemus, oblivionem autem nisi meminissemus, nequaquam possemus audito isto nomine rem quae illo significatur agnoscere, memoria retinetur oblivio. adest ergo ne obliviscamur, quae cum adest, obliviscimur.

How then is it present so that I may remember it, when, when it is present, I cannot remember? But if what we remember we retain by memory, and if we had not remembered oblivion, by no means could we, on hearing that name, recognize the thing which is signified by it; oblivion is retained by memory. It is present, therefore, lest we forget—which, when it is present, we forget.

an ex hoc intellegitur non per se ipsam inesse memoriae, cum eam meminimus, sed per imaginem suam, quia, si per se ipsam praesto esset oblivio, non ut meminissemus, sed ut oblivisceremur, efficeret? et hoc quis tandem indagabit? quis comprehendet quomodo sit?

Or is it understood from this that forgetfulness is not present in memory by itself when we remember it, but by its own image, because, if forgetfulness were present by itself, it would effect not that we should remember, but that we should forget? And who, pray, will track this out? Who will comprehend how it is?

10.16.25

ego certe, domine, laboro hic et laboro in me ipso. factus sum mihi terra difficultatis et sudoris nimii. neque enim nunc scrutamur plagas caeli aut siderum intervalla dimetimur vel terrae libramenta quaerimus.

I for my part, Lord, labor here and labor within myself. I have become to myself a land of difficulty and of excessive sweat. For we are not now scrutinizing the regions of the sky or measuring off the intervals of the stars or seeking the balances of the earth.

ego sum qui memini, ego animus. non ita mirum si a me longe est quidquid ego non sum: quid autem propinquius me ipso mihi? et ecce memoriae meae vis non comprehenditur a me, cum ipsum me non dicam praeter illam.

I am he who remembers, I, the mind. Not so marvelous, if whatever I am not is far from me; but what is nearer to me than myself? And behold, the power of my memory is not comprehended by me, since I do not say that I myself am anything apart from it.

quid enim dicturus sum, quando mihi certum est meminisse me oblivionem? an dicturus sum non esse in memoria mea quod memini? an dicturus sum ad hoc inesse oblivionem in memoria mea, ut non obliviscar?

For what, indeed, am I going to say, when it is certain to me that I remember oblivion? Am I going to say that what I remember is not in my memory? Or am I going to say that for this purpose oblivion is in my memory, so that I may not forget?

utrumque absurdissimum est. quid illud tertium? quo pacto dicam imaginem oblivionis teneri memoria mea, non ipsam oblivionem, cum eam memini?

Both are most absurd. What of that third? In what manner shall I say that an image of oblivion is held in my memory, not oblivion itself, since I remember it?

quo pacto et hoc dicam, quandoquidem cum imprimitur rei cuiusque imago in memoria, prius necesse est ut adsit res ipsa, unde illa imago possit imprimi? sic enim Carthaginis memini, sic omnium locorum quibus interfui, sic facies hominum quas vidi, et ceterorum sensuum nuntiata, sic ipsius corporis salutem sive dolorem: cum praesto essent ista, cepit ab eis imagines memoria, quas intuerer praesentes et retractarem animo, cum illa et absentia reminiscerer. si ergo per imaginem suam, non per se ipsam, in memoria tenetur oblivio, ipsa utique aderat, ut eius imago caperetur.

How shall I say this as well, since whenever the image of any thing is imprinted upon memory, it is first necessary that the thing itself be present, whence that image can be imprinted? For thus I remember Carthage, thus all the places in which I was present, thus the faces of the men whom I saw, and the announcements of the other senses, thus the health or the pain of my own body: when those things were at hand, memory took from them images, which I could gaze upon as present and re-handle in mind, when, with them absent, I recollected. If therefore forgetfulness is held in memory by its image, not by itself, then it itself was assuredly present, so that its image might be captured.

cum autem adesset, quomodo imaginem suam in memoria conscribebat, quando id etiam quod iam notatum invenit praesentia sua delet oblivio? et tamen quocumque modo, licet sit modus iste incomprehensibilis et inexplicabilis, etiam ipsam oblivionem meminisse me certus sum, qua id quod meminerimus obruitur.

but when it was present, how was it inscribing its own image in memory, since oblivion, by its very presence, even erases what it finds already noted? and yet, in whatever way, though this mode is incomprehensible and inexplicable, I am certain that I remember oblivion itself, by which that which we have remembered is buried.

10.17.26

magna vis est memoriae, nescio quid horrendum, deus meus, profunda et infinita multiplicitas. et hoc animus est, et hoc ego ipse sum. quid ergo sum, deus meus?

Great is the force of memory, I know not what horrendous thing, my God, a profound and infinite multiplicity. And this is the mind, and this am I myself. What then am I, my God?

quae natura sum? varia, multimoda vita et immensa vehementer. ecce in memoriae meae campis et antris et cavernis innumerabilibus atque innumerabiliter plenis innumerabilium rerum generibus, sive per imagines, sicut omnium corporum, sive per praesentiam, sicut artium, sive per nescio quas notiones vel notationes, sicut affectionum animi (quas et cum animus non patitur, memoria tenet, cum in animo sit quidquid est in memoria), per haec omnia discurro et volito hac illac, penetro etiam quantum possum, et finis nusquam.

What nature am I? A various, multi-moded life and immensely vast. Behold, in the fields and caverns and caves of my memory—innumerable, and in an innumerable way filled with kinds of innumerable things—whether by images, as of all bodies; or by presence, as of the arts; or by I-know-not-what notions or notations, as of the affections of the mind (which, even when the mind does not undergo them, memory holds, since in the mind is whatever is in memory)—through all these I run about and flit here and there; I penetrate also as much as I can, and there is no end anywhere.

tanta vis est memoriae, tanta vitae vis est in homine vivente mortaliter! quid igitur agam, tu vera mea vita, deus meus? transibo et hanc vim meam quae memoria vocatur, transibo eam ut pertendam ad te, dulce lumen.

So great is the force of memory, so great is the force of life in a man living mortally! What then shall I do, you my true Life, my God? I will pass beyond even this power of mine which is called memory; I will pass beyond it that I may stretch toward you, sweet Light.

quid dicis mihi? ecce ego ascendens per animum meum ad te, qui desuper mihi manes, transibo et istam vim meam quae memoria vocatur, volens te attingere unde attingi potes, et inhaerere tibi unde inhaereri tibi potest. habent enim memoriam et pecora et aves, alioquin non cubilia nidosve repeterent, non alia multa quibus adsuescunt; neque enim et adsuescere valerent ullis rebus nisi per memoriam.

What do you say to me? Behold, I, ascending through my mind to you, you who abide above me, will also pass beyond that power of mine which is called memory, wishing to attain you where you can be attained, and to adhere to you where it is possible to adhere to you. For cattle and birds too have memory; otherwise they would not return to their lairs and nests, nor many other things to which they grow accustomed; for neither would they be able to become accustomed to any things except through memory.

transibo ergo et memoriam, ut attingam eum qui separavit me a quadrupedibus et a volatilibus caeli sapientiorem me fecit. transibo et memoriam, ut ubi te inveniam, vere bone, secura suavitas, ut ubi te inveniam? si praeter memoriam meam te invenio, immemor tui sum.

I will pass beyond even memory, that I may attain him who separated me from the quadrupeds and from the birds of heaven and made me wiser. I will pass beyond even memory, that where I may find you, truly Good, secure sweetness— that where may I find you? If I find you beyond my memory, I am unmindful of you.

et quomodo iam inveniam te, si memor non sum tui?

and how shall I now find you, if I am not mindful of you?

10.18.27

perdiderat enim mulier dragmam et quaesivit eam cum lucerna et, nisi memor eius esset, non inveniret eam. cum enim esset inventa, unde sciret utrum ipsa esset, si memor eius non esset? multa memini me perdita quaesisse atque invenisse.

for the woman had lost a drachma and sought it with a lamp, and unless she were mindful of it, she would not find it. for when it had been found, whence would she know whether it was the very same, if she were not mindful of it? I remember many lost things that I have sought and found.

inde istuc scio, quia, cum quaererem aliquid eorum et diceretur mihi, 'num forte hoc est?' 'num forte illud?', tamdiu dicebam, 'non est,' donec id offerretur quod quaerebam. cuius nisi memor essem, quidquid illud esset, etiamsi mihi offerretur non invenirem, quia non agnoscerem. et semper ita fit, cum aliquid perditum quaerimus et invenimus.

thence I know this, because, when I was seeking something of those things and it was said to me, 'perhaps this is it?' 'perhaps that?', I kept saying, 'it is not,' until that was offered which I was seeking. Unless I were mindful of it, whatever it might be, even if it were offered to me I would not find it, because I would not recognize it. And it always happens thus, when we look for something lost and find it.

verum tamen si forte aliquid ab oculis perit, non a memoria, veluti corpus quodlibet visibile, tenetur intus imago eius et quaeritur, donec reddatur aspectui. quod cum inventum fuerit, ex imagine quae intus est recognoscitur. nec invenisse nos dicimus quod perierat, si non agnoscimus, nec agnoscere possumus, si non meminimus; sed hoc perierat quidem oculis, memoria tenebatur.

Yet nonetheless, if by chance something perishes from the eyes, not from memory—say any visible body—the image of it is held within and it is sought until it is restored to sight. And when it has been found, it is recognized from the image that is within. Nor do we say that we have found what had been lost, if we do not recognize it; nor can we recognize if we do not remember. But this had perished indeed to the eyes; it was held by memory.

10.19.28

quid, cum ipsa memoria perdit aliquid, sicut fit cum obliviscimur et quaerimus ut recordemur, ubi tandem quaerimus nisi in ipsa memoria? et ibi si aliud pro alio forte offeratur, respuimus donec illud occurrat quod quaerimus. et cum occurrit, dicimus, 'hoc est'; quod non diceremus nisi agnosceremus, nec agnosceremus nisi meminissemus.

What, when memory itself loses something, as happens when we fall into oblivion and seek to recollect, where at last do we seek it except in memory itself? And there, if perchance something is offered in place of something else, we reject it until that occurs which we seek. And when it occurs, we say, 'this is it'; which we would not say unless we recognized it, nor would we recognize it unless we remembered.

certe ergo obliti fueramus. an non totum exciderat, sed ex parte quae tenebatur pars alia quaerebatur, quia sentiebat se memoria non simul volvere quod simul solebat, et quasi detruncata consuetudine claudicans reddi quod deerat flagitabat? tamquam si homo notus sive conspiciatur oculis sive cogitetur et nomen eius obliti requiramus, quidquid aliud occurrerit non conectitur, quia non cum illo cogitari consuevit ideoque respuitur donec illud adsit, ubi simul adsuefacta notitia non inaequaliter adquiescat.

Certainly, then, we had forgotten. Or had it not fallen out wholly, but from the part that was held another part was being sought, because memory felt that it was not at the same time rolling together what it used to roll together, and, as if with its custom detruncated, limping, it demanded that what was lacking be restored? As when a well-known man, whether he is beheld by the eyes or thought of, and we, having forgotten his name, seek it: whatever else occurs is not connected, because it is not accustomed to be thought together with him, and therefore it is rejected until that is present, where the accustomed acquaintance may repose together evenly.

et unde adest nisi ex ipsa memoria? nam et cum ab alio commoniti recognoscimus, inde adest. non enim quasi novum credimus, sed recordantes approbamus hoc esse quod dictum est.

and whence is it present except from memory itself? for even when, being admonished by another, we recognize it, from there it is present. for we do not believe it as something new, but, recollecting, we approve that this is what has been said.

si autem penitus aboleatur ex animo, nec admoniti reminiscimur. neque enim omni modo adhuc obliti sumus quod vel oblitos nos esse meminimus. hoc ergo nec amissum quaerere poterimus, quod omnino obliti fuerimus.

But if it be utterly abolished from the mind, not even when admonished do we recollect. For we have not in every way yet forgotten that which we remember that we have forgotten. Therefore we shall not be able to seek as something lost that which we shall have altogether forgotten.

10.20.29

quomodo ergo te quaero, domine? cum enim te, deum meum, quaero, vitam beatam quaero. quaeram te ut vivat anima mea.

How then do I seek you, Lord? For when I seek you, my God, I seek the blessed life. I will seek you, that my soul may live.

vivit enim corpus meum de anima mea et vivit anima mea de te. quomodo ergo quaero vitam beatam? quia non est mihi donec dicam, 'sat, est illic.' ubi oportet ut dicam quomodo eam quaero, utrum per recordationem, tamquam eam oblitus sim oblitumque me esse adhuc teneam, an per appetitum discendi incognitam, sive quam numquam scierim sive quam sic oblitus fuerim ut me nec oblitum esse meminerim. nonne ipsa est beata vita quam omnes volunt, et omnino qui nolit nemo est?

for my body lives by my soul, and my soul lives by you. How then do I seek the blessed life? For it is not mine until I say, 'Enough, it is there.' How ought I to say that I seek it: whether through recollection, as though I had forgotten it and still hold that I have forgotten; or through an appetite for learning what is unknown—either what I have never known, or what I have so forgotten that I do not even remember that I have forgotten. Is not the blessed life itself what all desire, and is there absolutely no one who is unwilling?

ubi noverunt eam, quod sic volunt eam? ubi viderunt, ut amarent eam? nimirum habemus eam nescio quomodo.

Where have they known it, that thus they will it? Where have they seen it, that they might love it? Surely we have it, I know not how.

et est alius quidam modus quo quisque, cum habet eam, tunc beatus est, et sunt qui spe beati sunt. inferiore modo isti habent eam quam illi qui iam re ipsa beati sunt, sed tamen meliores quam illi qui nec re nec spe beati sunt. qui tamen etiam ipsi, nisi aliquo modo haberent eam, non ita vellent beati esse: quod eos velle certissimum est.

and there is a certain other mode by which each person, when he has it, then is happy; and there are those who are happy by hope. In an inferior mode these have it than those who are already happy in the thing itself (in reality), yet they are better than those who are happy neither in fact nor in hope. Yet even they themselves, unless they had it in some manner, would not so wish to be happy: that they wish this is most certain.

nescio quomodo noverunt eam ideoque habent eam in nescio qua notitia, de qua satago, utrum in memoria sit, quia, si ibi est, iam beati fuimus aliquando, utrum singillatim omnes, an in illo homine qui primus peccavit, in quo et omnes mortui sumus et de quo omnes cum miseria nati sumus, non quaero nunc, sed quaero utrum in memoria sit beata vita. neque enim amaremus eam nisi nossemus. audimus nomen hoc et omnes rem ipsam nos appetere fatemur; non enim sono delectamur.

I know not how they know it and therefore have it in I-know-not-what notion, about which I am anxious, whether it is in memory, because, if it is there, already we have at some time been blessed—whether each singly, all of us, or in that man who first sinned, in whom we all died and from whom we were all born with misery, I do not inquire now, but I inquire whether the blessed life is in memory. For neither would we love it unless we knew it. We hear this name, and we all confess that we desire the thing itself; for we are not delighted by the sound.

nam hoc cum latine audit graecus, non delectatur, quia ignorat quid dictum sit; nos autem delectamur, sicut etiam ille si graece hoc audierit, quoniam res ipsa nec graeca nec latina est, cui adipiscendae graeci latinique inhiant ceterarumque linguarum homines. nota est igitur omnibus, qui una voce si interrogari possent utrum beati esse vellent, sine ulla dubitatione velle responderent. quod non fieret, nisi res ipsa, cuius hoc nomen est, eorum memoria teneretur.

For when a Greek hears this in Latin, he is not delighted, because he is ignorant of what has been said; but we are delighted, as likewise he too would be if he should hear this in Greek, since the thing itself is neither Greek nor Latin, for the attaining of which Greeks and Latins and men of the other tongues pant. It is known therefore to all, who with one voice, if they could be asked whether they wished to be blessed, would without any hesitation answer that they wish it. Which would not occur, unless the thing itself, whose name this is, were held in their memory.

10.21.30

numquid ita ut meminit Carthaginem qui vidit? non. vita enim beata non videtur oculis, quia non est corpus.

Is it in the same way as the one who has seen Carthage remembers it? No. For the blessed life is not seen by the eyes, because it is not a body.

numquid sicut meminimus numeros? non. hos enim qui habet in notitia, non adhuc quaerit adipisci, vitam vero beatam habemus in notitia ideoque amamus et tamen adhuc adipisci eam volumus, ut beati simus.

Is it perhaps as we remember numbers? No. For whoever has these in knowledge does not still seek to attain them; but the blessed life we have in knowledge and therefore we love it, and yet we still wish to attain it, so that we may be blessed.

numquid sicut meminimus eloquentiam? non. quamvis enim et hoc nomine audito recordentur ipsam rem, qui etiam nondum sunt eloquentes multique esse cupiant (unde apparet eam esse in eorum notitia), tamen per corporis sensus alios eloquentes animadverterunt et delectati sunt et hoc esse desiderant, quamquam nisi ex interiore notitia non delectarentur, neque hoc esse vellent nisi delectarentur.

Is it as we remember eloquence? No. For although, upon hearing even this name, those who are not yet eloquent recall the thing itself, and many wish to be such (whence it appears that it is in their knowledge), nevertheless through the senses of the body they have observed other eloquent persons and have been delighted, and they desire to be such, although, unless from an inner knowledge, they would not be delighted, nor would they wish to be such unless they were delighted.

beatam vero vitam nullo sensu corporis in aliis experimur. numquid sicut meminimus gaudium? fortasse ita.

But the blessed life we do not experience in others by any sense of the body. Is it perhaps as we remember joy? Perhaps so.

nam gaudium meum etiam tristis memini sicut vitam beatam miser, neque umquam corporis sensu gaudium meum vel vidi vel audivi vel odoratus sum vel gustavi vel tetigi, sed expertus sum in animo meo quando laetatus sum, et adhaesit eius notitia memoriae meae, ut id reminisci valeam, aliquando cum aspernatione, aliquando cum desiderio, pro earum rerum diversitate de quibus me gavisum esse memini. nam et de turpibus gaudio quodam perfusus sum, quod nunc recordans detestor atque exsecror, aliquando de bonis et honestis, quod desiderans recolo, tametsi forte non adsunt, et ideo tristis gaudium pristinum recolo.

for I remember my joy even when sad, just as I, wretched, remember the blessed life; and never by any sense of the body have I either seen or heard or smelled or tasted or touched my joy, but I have experienced it in my mind when I rejoiced, and the knowledge of it has adhered to my memory, so that I am able to recollect it, sometimes with scorn, sometimes with desire, according to the diversity of the things on account of which I remember myself to have rejoiced. for I have also been suffused with a certain joy over disgraceful things, which now, recalling, I detest and execrate; sometimes over good and honorable things, which I, desiring, recollect, although perhaps they are not present, and therefore, being sad, I recall my former joy.

10.21.31

ubi ergo et quando expertus sum vitam meam beatam, ut recorder eam et amem et desiderem? nec ego tantum aut cum paucis, sed beati prorsus omnes esse volumus. quod nisi certa notitia nossemus, non tam certa voluntate vellemus.

Where then and when have I experienced my blessed life, so that I might remember it and love it and desire it? Nor I alone or with a few, but absolutely all of us want to be blessed. Which, unless we knew by certain knowledge, we would not with so certain a will will it.

sed quid est hoc? quod si quaeratur a duobus utrum militare velint, fieri possit ut alter eorum velle se, alter nolle respondeat. si autem ab eis quaeratur utrum esse beati velint, uterque se statim sine ulla dubitatione dicat optare, nec ob aliud velit ille militare, nec ob aliud iste nolit, nisi ut beati sint.

But what is this? For if it be asked of two whether they wish to serve as soldiers, it could happen that one of them would respond that he wills it, the other that he is unwilling. But if it be asked of them whether they wish to be blessed, each would at once, without any hesitation, say that he opts for it; and that one does not wish to soldier for any other reason, nor does this one refuse for any other reason, except that they may be blessed.

num forte quoniam alius hinc, alius inde gaudet? ita se omnes beatos esse velle consonant, quemadmodum consonarent si hoc interrogarentur, se velle gaudere, atque ipsum gaudium vitam beatam vocant. quod etsi alius hinc, alius illinc adsequitur, unum est tamen quo pervenire omnes nituntur, ut gaudeant.

Is it perhaps because one rejoices from here, another from there? Thus all are in consonance in wishing to be blessed, just as they would be in consonance if they were asked this, that they wish to rejoice; and they call joy itself the blessed life. And although one attains it from here, another from there, yet there is one thing to which all strive to arrive: that they may rejoice.

quae quoniam res est quam se expertum non esse nemo potest dicere, propterea reperta in memoria recognoscitur quando beatae vitae nomen auditur.

since it is a thing which no one can say he has not experienced, therefore, found in memory, it is recognized when the name of the blessed life is heard.

10.22.32

absit, domine, absit a corde servi tui qui confitetur tibi, absit ut, quocumque gaudio gaudeam, beatum me putem. est enim gaudium quod non datur impiis, sed eis qui te gratis colunt, quorum gaudium tu ipse es. et ipsa est beata vita, gaudere ad te, de te, propter te: ipsa est et non est altera. qui autem aliam putant esse, aliud sectantur gaudium neque ipsum verum.

far be it, Lord, far be it from the heart of your servant who confesses to you; far be it that, with whatever joy I rejoice, I should think myself blessed. for there is a joy that is not given to the impious, but to those who worship you gratis, whose joy you yourself are. and this itself is the blessed life: to rejoice toward you, about you, on account of you; this itself it is, and there is no other. but those who think it to be another pursue another joy, and not the true itself.

ab aliqua tamen imagine gaudii voluntas eorum non avertitur.

Yet their will is not averted from some image of joy.

10.23.33

non ergo certum est quod omnes esse beati volunt, quoniam qui non de te gaudere volunt, quae sola vita beata est, non utique beatam vitam volunt. an omnes hoc volunt, sed quoniam caro concupiscit adversus spiritum et spiritus adversus carnem, ut non faciant quod volunt, cadunt in id quod valent eoque contenti sunt, quia illud quod non valent, non tantum volunt quantum sat est ut valeant? nam quaero ab omnibus utrum malint de veritate quam de falsitate gaudere.

Therefore it is not certain that all want to be blessed, since those who do not will to rejoice in you, which alone is the blessed life, do not, assuredly, will the blessed life. Or do all will this, but, since the flesh lusts against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh, so that they do not do what they will, they fall into what they can and are content with that, because that which they cannot they do not will as much as is enough for them to be able? For I ask of everyone whether they would rather rejoice in verity than in falsity.

tam non dubitant dicere de veritate se malle, quam non dubitant dicere beatos esse se velle. beata quippe vita est gaudium de veritate. hoc est enim gaudium de te, qui veritas es, deus, inluminatio mea, salus faciei meae, deus meus.

They no more hesitate to say that they prefer the truth than they hesitate to say that they wish to be blessed. For the blessed life is joy from the truth. For this is joy from you, who are the Truth, God, my illumination, the salvation of my face, my God.

hanc vitam beatam omnes volunt, hanc vitam, quae sola beata est, omnes volunt, gaudium de veritate omnes volunt. multos expertus sum qui vellent fallere, qui autem falli, neminem. ubi ergo noverunt hanc vitam beatam, nisi ubi noverunt etiam veritatem?

This blessed life all want, this life, which alone is blessed, all want; the joy from truth all want. I have found many who would wish to deceive, but no one who would wish to be deceived. Where then do they know this blessed life, unless where they also know the truth?

amant enim et ipsam, quia falli nolunt, et cum amant beatam vitam, quod non est aliud quam de veritate gaudium, utique amant etiam veritatem, nec amarent nisi esset aliqua notitia eius in memoria eorum. cur ergo non de illa gaudent? cur non beati sunt?

For they love even it itself, because they do not wish to be deceived; and when they love the blessed life, which is nothing other than joy from truth, surely they also love truth, nor would they love it unless there were some notion of it in their memory. Why, then, do they not rejoice in it? Why are they not blessed?

quia fortius occupantur in aliis, quae potius eos faciunt miseros quam illud beatos, quod tenuiter meminerunt. adhuc enim modicum lumen est in hominibus. ambulent, ambulent, ne tenebrae comprehendant.

because they are more strongly occupied with other things, which make them miserable rather than that makes them blessed, which they remember but thinly. For as yet a little light is in human beings. Let them walk, let them walk, lest the darkness comprehend them.

10.23.34

cur autem veritas parit odium et inimicus eis factus est homo tuus verum praedicans, cum ametur beata vita, quae non est nisi gaudium de veritate, nisi quia sic amatur veritas ut, quicumque aliud amant, hoc quod amant velint esse veritatem, et quia falli nollent, nolunt convinci quod falsi sint? itaque propter eam rem oderunt veritatem, quam pro veritate amant. amant eam lucentem, oderunt eam redarguentem.

But why does truth beget hatred, and why has your man become their enemy by preaching truth, when the blessed life is loved, which is nothing but joy from truth, unless it is because truth is loved in such a way that whoever love something else want what they love to be the truth, and, because they would not wish to be deceived, they do not wish to be convicted of being false? Therefore, for that reason they hate the truth, on account of the thing which they love in place of the truth. They love it shining; they hate it refuting.

quia enim falli nolunt et fallere volunt, amant eam cum se ipsa indicat, et oderunt eam cum eos ipsos indicat. inde retribuet eis ut, qui se ab ea manifestari nolunt, et eos nolentes manifestet et eis ipsa non sit manifesta. sic, sic, etiam sic animus humanus, etiam sic caecus et languidus, turpis atque indecens latere vult, se autem ut lateat aliquid non vult.

for since they do not wish to be deceived and wish to deceive, they love it when it indicates itself, and they hate it when it indicates them themselves. hence it will retribute to them thus: that those who do not wish to be made manifest by it, it makes manifest even while unwilling, and to them itself is not manifest. thus, thus, even thus the human mind, even thus blind and languid, base and indecent, wants to lie hidden, but as for itself, it does not want that anything be hidden.

contra illi redditur, ut ipse non lateat veritatem, ipsum autem veritas lateat. tamen etiam sic, dum miser est, veris mavult gaudere quam falsis. beatus ergo erit, si nulla interpellante molestia de ipsa, per quam vera sunt omnia, sola veritate gaudebit.

In return it is rendered to him, that he himself does not lie hidden to the truth, but the truth lies hidden to him. Yet even so, while he is wretched, he prefers to rejoice in things true rather than in things false. Blessed therefore will he be, if, with no interpellating molestation, he will rejoice in the Truth itself alone, through which all things are true.

10.24.35 ecce quantum spatiatus sum in memoria mea quaerens te, domine, et non te inveni extra eam. neque enim aliquid de te inveni quod non meminissem, ex quo didici te, nam ex quo didici te non sum oblitus tui. ubi enim inveni veritatem, ibi inveni deum meum, ipsam veritatem, quam ex quo didici non sum oblitus.

10.24.35 Behold how far I have ranged through my memory seeking you, Lord, and I did not find you outside it. For neither did I find anything about you that I had not remembered, from the time I learned you; for from the time I learned you I have not forgotten you. For where I found Truth, there I found my God, the very Truth, which, since I learned it, I have not forgotten.

itaque ex quo te didici, manes in memoria mea, et illic te invenio cum reminiscor tui, et delector in te. hae sunt sanctae deliciae meae, quas donasti mihi misericordia tua, respiciens paupertatem meam.

And so, from the time that I learned you, you abide in my memory, and there I find you when I reminisce of you, and I take delectation in you. These are my holy delights, which your mercy has bestowed upon me, looking upon my poverty.

10.25.36

sed ubi manes in memoria mea, domine, ubi illic manes? quale cubile fabricasti tibi? quale sanctuarium aedificasti tibi?

but where do you abide in my memory, Lord, where there do you abide? what kind of couch have you fashioned for yourself? what kind of sanctuary have you built for yourself?

tu dedisti hanc dignationem memoriae meae, ut maneas in ea, sed in qua eius parte maneas, hoc considero. transcendi enim partes eius quas habent et bestiae cum te recordarer, quia non ibi te inveniebam inter imagines rerum corporalium, et veni ad partes eius ubi commendavi affectiones animi mei, nec illic inveni te. et intravi ad ipsius animi mei sedem, quae illi est in memoria mea, quoniam sui quoque meminit animus, nec ibi tu eras, quia sicut non es imago corporalis nec affectio viventis, qualis est cum laetamur, contristamur, cupimus, metuimus, meminimus, obliviscimur et quidquid huius modi est, ita nec ipse animus es, quia dominus deus animi tu es. et commutantur haec omnia, tu autem incommutabilis manes super omnia et dignatus es habitare in memoria mea, ex quo te didici. et quid quaero quo loco eius habites, quasi vero loca ibi sint?

you have given this dignation to my memory, that you may abide in it; but in which part of it you abide, this I consider. For I overpassed those parts of it which beasts also have when I recalled you, since I did not find you there among the images of corporeal things, and I came to those parts of it where I entrusted the affections of my mind, nor there did I find you. And I entered to the seat of my very mind, which it has in my memory, since the mind also remembers itself, nor were you there; because just as you are not a corporeal image nor an affection of a living being—such as when we rejoice, are saddened, desire, fear, remember, forget, and whatever of this sort there is—so neither are you the mind itself, because you are the Lord God of the mind. And all these things are changed, but you remain unchangeable above all things, and you have deigned to dwell in my memory from the time when I learned you. And why do I seek in what place of it you dwell, as though indeed there were places there?

habitas certe in ea, quoniam tui memini, ex quo te didici, et in ea te invenio, cum recordor te.

you surely dwell in it, since I remember you, from the time I learned you, and in it I find you when I recall you.

10.26.37

ubi ergo te inveni, ut discerem te? neque enim iam eras in memoria mea, priusquam te discerem. ubi ergo te inveni ut discerem te, nisi in te supra me? et nusquam locus, et recedimus et accedimus, et nusquam locus. veritas, ubique praesides omnibus consulentibus te simulque respondes omnibus etiam diversa consulentibus.

Where then did I find you, that I might learn you? For you were not yet in my memory before I learned you. Where then did I find you, that I might learn you, if not in you above me? And nowhere is there a place, and we recede and we accede, and nowhere is there a place. truth, you preside everywhere for all consulting you, and at the same time you answer all, even those consulting different things.

liquide tu respondes, sed non liquide omnes audiunt. omnes unde volunt consulunt, sed non semper quod volunt audiunt. optimus minister tuus est qui non magis intuetur hoc a te audire quod ipse voluerit, sed potius hoc velle quod a te audierit.

Clearly you answer, but not all hear clearly. All consult whence they will, but they do not always hear what they will. Your best minister is the one who does not so much aim to hear from you what he himself would have wanted, but rather to will what he has heard from you.

10.27.38

sero te amavi, pulchritudo tam antiqua et tam nova, sero te amavi! et ecce intus eras et ego foris, et ibi te quaerebam, et in ista formosa quae fecisti deformis inruebam. mecum eras, et tecum non eram.

late have I loved you, beauty so ancient and so new, late have I loved you! and behold, you were within and I was outside, and there I was seeking you, and upon those beautiful things which you made I, deformed, was rushing headlong. you were with me, and I was not with you.

ea me tenebant longe a te, quae si in te non essent, non essent. vocasti et clamasti et rupisti surditatem meam; coruscasti, splenduisti et fugasti caecitatem meam; fragrasti, et duxi spiritum et anhelo tibi; gustavi et esurio et sitio; tetigisti me, et exarsi in pacem tuam.

those things held me far from you, which, if they were not in you, would not be. you called and cried out and shattered my deafness; you flashed, you shone, and you put my blindness to flight; you breathed fragrance, and I drew in the spirit and I pant for you; I tasted, and I hunger and I thirst; you touched me, and I blazed up for your peace.

10.28.39

cum inhaesero tibi ex omni me, nusquam erit mihi dolor et labor, et viva erit vita mea tota plena te. nunc autem quoniam quem tu imples, sublevas eum, quoniam tui plenus non sum, oneri mihi sum. contendunt laetitiae meae flendae cum laetandis maeroribus, et ex qua parte stet victoria nescio. contendunt maerores mei mali cum gaudiis bonis, et ex qua parte stet victoria nescio.

when I shall have clung to you with all of me, nowhere will there be for me pain and labor, and my life will be alive, wholly full of you. now, however, since the one whom you fill, you upraise, since I am not full of you, I am a burden to myself. my weepable joys contend with sorrows to-be-rejoiced, and on which side victory stands I know not. my evil griefs contend with good joys, and on which side victory stands I know not.

ei mihi! domine, miserere mei! ei mihi!

Alas for me! Lord, have mercy on me! Alas for me!

ecce vulnera mea non abscondo. medicus es, aeger sum; misericors es, miser sum. numquid non temptatio est vita humana super terram?

behold, I do not conceal my wounds. you are a medic, I am sick; you are merciful, I am miserable. is not human life upon the earth a temptation?

quis velit molestias et difficultates? tolerari iubes ea, non amari. nemo quod tolerat amat, etsi tolerare amat.

Who would want annoyances and difficulties? You bid that they be tolerated, not loved. No one loves what he tolerates, even if he loves to tolerate.

quamvis enim gaudeat se tolerare, mavult tamen non esse quod toleret. prospera in adversis desidero, adversa in prosperis timeo. quis inter haec medius locus, ubi non sit humana vita temptatio?

for although he rejoices in tolerating, yet he prefers that there not be that which he must tolerate. I desire prosperous things in adversities; I fear adverse things in prosperities. what middle place is there between these, where human life is not a temptation?

vae prosperitatibus saeculi semel et iterum a timore adversitatis et a corruptione laetitiae! vae adversitatibus saeculi semel et iterum et tertio a desiderio prosperitatis, et quia ipsa adversitas dura est, et ne frangat tolerantiam! numquid non temptatio est vita humana super terram sine ullo interstitio?

Woe to the prosperities of the age, once and again, because of the fear of adversity and the corruption of joy! Woe to the adversities of the age, once and again and a third time, because of the desire for prosperity, and because adversity itself is harsh, and lest it break endurance! Is not human life upon the earth a temptation without any interval?

10.29.40

Et tota spes mea nisi in magna valde misericordia tua. da quod iubes et iube quod vis: imperas nobis continentiam. 'et cum scirem,' ait quidam, 'quia nemo potest esse continens, nisi deus det, et hoc ipsum erat sapientiae, scire cuius esset hoc donum.' per continentiam quippe conligimur et redigimur in unum, a quo in multa defluximus.

And all my hope is only in your very great mercy. give what you command and command what you will: you command us continence. 'and when I knew,' said someone, 'that no one can be continent unless God gives it, and this very thing was wisdom—to know whose gift this was.' for by continence we are gathered together and brought back into one, from whom we have flowed away into many.

minus enim te amat qui tecum aliquid amat quod non propter te amat. o amor, qui semper ardes et numquam extingueris, caritas, deus meus, accende me! continentiam iubes: da quod iubes et iube quod vis.

for he loves you less who loves something along with you which he does not love on account of you. O Love, who always burn and are never extinguished, Charity, my God, kindle me! You command continence: give what you command and command what you will.

10.30.41

iubes certe ut contineam a concupiscentia carnis et concupiscentia oculorum et ambitione saeculi. iussisti a concubitu et de ipso coniugio melius aliquid quam concessisti monuisti. et quoniam dedisti, factum est, et antequam dispensator sacramenti tui fierem.

You surely command that I be continent from the concupiscence of the flesh and the concupiscence of the eyes and the ambition of the world. You commanded abstinence from intercourse, and concerning marriage itself you admonished something better than what you conceded. And since you have given, it has been done, even before I became a dispenser of your sacrament.

sed adhuc vivunt in memoria mea, de qua multa locutus sum, talium rerum imagines, quas ibi consuetudo mea fixit, et occursantur mihi vigilanti quidem carentes viribus, in somnis autem non solum usque ad delectationem sed etiam usque ad consensionem factumque simillimum. et tantum valet imaginis inlusio in anima mea in carne mea, ut dormienti falsa visa persuadeant quod vigilanti vera non possunt. numquid tunc ego non sum, domine deus meus?

but still in my memory, of which I have spoken much, live the images of such things, which my custom has fixed there, and they confront me—when I am awake indeed lacking in force, but in dreams not only even unto delectation but also unto consent and a deed most similar. and so powerful is the illusion of the image in my soul, in my flesh, that to me sleeping false visions persuade what true ones cannot to me awake. am I then not myself at that time, O Lord my God?

et tamen tantum interest inter me ipsum et me ipsum intra momentum quo hinc ad soporem transeo vel huc inde retranseo! ubi est tunc ratio qua talibus suggestionibus resistit vigilans et, si res ipsae ingerantur, inconcussus manet? numquid clauditur cum oculis?

and yet so great a difference there is between myself and myself within the moment in which I pass from here into sleep, or from there back hither I pass again! where then is the reason by which, when awake, it resists such suggestions and, if the things themselves are thrust upon it, remains unshaken? is it perhaps shut along with the eyes?

numquid sopitur cum sensibus corporis? et unde saepe etiam in somnis resistimus nostrique propositi memores atque in eo castissime permanentes nullum talibus inlecebris adhibemus adsensum? et tamen tantum interest ut, cum aliter accidit, evigilantes ad conscientiae requiem redeamus ipsaque distantia reperiamus nos non fecisse quod tamen in nobis quoquo modo factum esse doleamus.

Is it perhaps lulled asleep together with the senses of the body? And whence is it that often even in dreams we resist, and, mindful of our purpose and remaining most chastely in it, we apply no assent to such allurements? And yet so great is the difference that, when it falls out otherwise, upon waking we return to the rest of conscience, and by that very difference we find that we did not do what nevertheless we grieve as having been done in us in some manner.

10.30.42

numquid non potens est manus tua, deus omnipotens, sanare omnes languores animae meae atque abundantiore gratia tua lascivos motus etiam mei soporis extinguere? augebis, domine, magis magisque in me munera tua, ut anima mea sequatur me ad te concupiscentiae visco expedita, ut non sit rebellis sibi, atque ut in somnis etiam non solum non perpetret istas corruptelarum turpitudines per imagines animales usque ad carnis fluxum, sed ne consentiat quidem. nam ut nihil tale vel tantulum libeat, quantulum possit nutu cohiberi etiam in casto dormientis affectu, non tantum in hac vita sed etiam in hac aetate, non magnum est omnipotenti, qui vales facere supra quam petimus et intellegimus.

Is not your hand, Almighty God, powerful to heal all the languors of my soul, and by your more abundant grace to extinguish the lascivious motions even of my slumber? You will augment, Lord, more and more in me your munera, so that my soul may follow me to you, disentangled from the birdlime of concupiscence; that it be not rebellious against itself; and that in dreams, too, it not only not perpetrate those turpitudes of corruptions through animal images even unto a flux of the flesh, but not even consent. For that nothing of the sort, not even the least little, be pleasing—so much as can be restrained by a nod—even in the chaste disposition of a sleeper, not only in this life but even at this age, is no great thing for the Omnipotent, you who are able to do beyond what we ask and understand.

nunc tamen quid adhuc sim in hoc genere mali mei, dixi bono domino meo, exultans cum tremore in eo quod donasti mihi, et lugens in eo quod inconsummatus sum, sperans perfecturum te in me misericordias tuas usque ad pacem plenariam, quam tecum habebunt interiora et exteriora mea, cum absorpta fuerit mors in victoriam.

Now, however, what I still am in this kind of my evil, I have said to my good Lord, exulting with trembling in that which you have bestowed upon me, and lamenting that I am unconsummated, hoping that you will perfect your mercies in me unto plenary peace, which my inner and outer parts will have with you, when death shall have been swallowed up in victory.

10.31.43

est alia malitia diei, quae utinam sufficiat ei. reficimus enim cotidianas ruinas corporis edendo et bibendo, priusquam escas et ventrem destruas, cum occideris indigentiam satietate mirifica et corruptibile hoc indueris incorruptione sempiterna. nunc autem suavis est mihi necessitas, et adversus istam suavitatem pugno, ne capiar, et cotidianum bellum gero in ieiuniis, saepius in servitutem redigens corpus meum, et dolores mei voluptate pelluntur. nam fames et sitis quidam dolores sunt, urunt et sicut febris necant, nisi alimentorum medicina succurrat.

there is another malice of the day, which would that it may suffice for it. For we repair the daily ruins of the body by eating and drinking, before you destroy the foods and the belly, when you will have slain indigence with a wondrous satiety and will have clothed this corruptible with sempiternal incorruption. Now, however, necessity is sweet to me, and against that sweetness I fight, lest I be captured, and I wage a daily war in fastings, more often bringing my body back into servitude, and my pains are driven away by pleasure. For hunger and thirst are certain pains; they burn and, like a fever, they kill, unless the medicine of aliments comes to the rescue.

quae quoniam praesto est ex consolatione munerum tuorum, in quibus nostrae infirmitati terra et aqua et caelum serviunt, calamitas deliciae vocantur.

which, since it is at hand from the consolation of your gifts—in which earth and water and heaven serve our infirmity—calamities are called delights.

10.31.44

hoc me docuisti, ut quemadmodum medicamenta sic alimenta sumpturus accedam. sed dum ad quietem satietatis ex indigentiae molestia transeo, in ipso transitu mihi insidiatur laqueus concupiscentiae. ipse enim transitus voluptas est, et non est alius, qua transeatur quo transire cogit necessitas.

This you have taught me, that, just as to medicaments, so I should approach aliments when about to take them. But while I pass from the trouble of indigence to the quiet of satiety, in the very transition the snare of concupiscence lies in wait for me. For the transition itself is pleasure, and there is no other by which one may pass to where necessity compels one to pass.

et cum salus sit causa edendi ac bibendi, adiungit se tamquam pedisequa periculosa iucunditas et plerumque praeire conatur, ut eius causa fiat quod salutis causa me facere vel dico vel volo. nec idem modus utriusque est: nam quod saluti satis est, delectationi parum est, et saepe incertum fit utrum adhuc necessaria corporis cura subsidium petat an voluptaria cupiditatis fallacia ministerium suppetat. ad hoc incertum hilarescit infelix anima et in eo praeparat excusationis patrocinium, gaudens non apparere quid satis sit moderationi valetudinis, ut obtentu salutis obumbret negotium voluptatis.

and when health is the cause of eating and drinking, there attaches itself, like a handmaid, a perilous pleasantness, and for the most part it tries to go before, so that what I either say or will to do for the sake of health is done for its sake. nor is the measure of each the same: for what is enough for health is too little for delectation; and often it becomes uncertain whether the still necessary care of the body is seeking aid, or whether the voluptuary fallacy of cupidity is supplying its ministry. at this uncertainty the unhappy soul grows cheerful, and therein prepares the patronage of an excuse, rejoicing that it does not appear what suffices for the moderation of health, so that under the pretext of health it may overshadow the business of pleasure.

his temptationibus cotidie conor resistere, et invoco dexteram tuam, et ad te refero aestus meos, quia consilium mihi de hac re nondum stat.

I daily try to resist these temptations, and I invoke your right hand, and to you I refer my surges, because counsel for me concerning this matter does not yet stand.

10.31.45

audio vocem iubentis dei mei, 'non graventur corda vestra in crapula et ebrietate.' ebrietas longe est a me: misereberis, ne appropinquet mihi. crapula autem nonnumquam subrepit servo tuo: misereberis, ut longe fiat a me. nemo enim potest esse continens, nisi tu des. multa nobis orantibus tribuis, et quidquid boni antequam oraremus accepimus, a te accepimus; et ut hoc postea cognosceremus, a te accepimus.

i hear the voice of my god commanding, 'let not your hearts be weighed down in crapulence and ebriety.' ebriety is far from me: you will have mercy, lest it draw near to me. crapulence, however, sometimes steals upon your servant: you will have mercy, that it may be far from me. for no one can be continent, unless you grant it. many things you bestow upon us as we pray, and whatever good we received before we prayed, we received from you; and that we might afterward recognize this, we received from you.

ebriosus numquam fui, sed ebriosos a te factos sobrios ego novi. ergo a te factum est ut hoc non essent qui numquam fuerunt, a quo factum est ut hoc non semper essent qui fuerunt, a quo etiam factum est ut scirent utrique a quo factum est. audivi aliam vocem tuam: 'post concupiscentias tuas non eas et a voluptate tua vetare.' audivi et illam ex munere tuo, quam multum amavi: 'neque si manducaverimus, abundabimus, neque si non manducaverimus, deerit nobis'; hoc est dicere: 'nec illa res me copiosum faciet nec illa aerumnosum.' audivi et alteram: 'ego enim didici in quibus sum sufficiens esse, et abundare novi et penuriam pati novi.

I have never been a drunkard, but I have known drunkards made sober by you. Therefore by you it was brought about that those who never were this should not be this; by whom it was brought about that those who were this should not always be this; by whom also it was brought about that both should know by whom it was brought about. I heard another of your voices: ‘Go not after your concupiscences, and from your pleasure restrain yourself.’ I heard also that one from your gift, which I greatly loved: ‘Neither if we have eaten shall we abound, nor if we have not eaten shall we be in want’; that is to say: ‘Neither will that thing make me copious nor that one miserable.’ I heard yet another: ‘For I have learned, in whatever I am, to be sufficient; I know how to abound and I know how to suffer penury.’

omnia possum in eo qui me confortat.' ecce miles castrorum caelestium, non pulvis quod sumus. sed memento, domine, quia pulvis sumus, et de pulvere fecisti hominem, et perierat et inventus est. nec ille in se potuit, quia idem pulvis fuit quem talia dicentem adflatu tuae inspirationis adamavi: 'omnia possum,' inquit, 'in eo qui me confortat.' conforta me ut possim.

'I can do all things in him who strengthens me.' Behold a soldier of the heavenly camps, not dust which we are. But remember, Lord, that we are dust, and from dust you made man, and he was lost and was found. Nor could he in himself, because he too was dust, whom, saying such things, by the breath of your inspiration I loved: 'I can do all things,' he says, 'in him who strengthens me.' Strengthen me that I may be able.

da quod iubes et iube quod vis. iste se accepisse confitetur et quod gloriatur in domino gloriatur. audivi alium rogantem ut accipiat: 'aufer a me,' inquit, 'concupiscentias ventris.' unde apparet, sancte deus meus, te dare, cum fit quod imperas fieri.

Give what you command and command what you will. This one confesses that he has received, and what he glories in, he glories in the Lord. I heard another asking to receive: “Take away from me,” he says, “the concupiscences of the belly.” Whence it appears, my holy God, that you give, when what you command to be done is done.

10.31.46

docuisti me, pater bone, omnia munda mundis, sed malum esse homini qui per offensionem manducat; et omnem creaturam tuam bonam esse nihilque abiciendum quod cum gratiarum actione percipitur; et quia esca nos non commendat deo, et ut nemo nos iudicet in cibo aut in potu; et ut qui manducat non manducantem non spernat, et qui non manducat manducantem non iudicet. didici haec: gratias tibi, laudes tibi, deo meo, magistro meo, pulsatori aurium mearum, inlustratori cordis mei. eripe ab omni temptatione.

you have taught me, good father, that all things are clean to the clean, but that it is evil for the man who eats through offense; and that every creature of yours is good and nothing is to be rejected which is received with thanksgiving; and that food does not commend us to god, and that no one should judge us in food or in drink; and that he who eats should not despise the one not eating, and he who does not eat should not judge the one eating. i have learned these things: thanks to you, praises to you, my god, my teacher, the striker of my ears, the illuminator of my heart. deliver from every temptation.

non ego immunditiam obsonii timeo, sed immunditiam cupiditatis. scio Noe omne carnis genus quod cibo esset usui manducare permissum, Heliam cibo carnis refectum, Iohannem mirabili abstinentia praeditum animalibus, hoc est lucustis in escam cedentibus, non fuisse pollutum. et scio Esau lenticulae concupiscentia deceptum, et David propter aquae desiderium a se ipso reprehensum, et regem nostrum non de carne sed de pane temptatum.

I do not fear the uncleanness of the viands, but the uncleanness of cupidity. I know that to Noah every kind of flesh which was of use for food was permitted to be eaten, that Elijah was refreshed by food of flesh, that John—endowed with wondrous abstinence—by animals, that is, by locusts yielding for food, was not polluted. And I know that Esau was deceived by concupiscence for lentil stew, and David was reproved by himself on account of a desire for water, and that our King was tempted not with flesh but with bread.

ideoque et populus in heremo non quia carnes desideravit, sed quia escae desiderio adversus dominum murmuravit, meruit improbari.

and therefore also the people in the desert, not because they desired meats, but because by a desire for food they murmured against the Lord, merited to be disapproved.

10.31.47

in his ergo temptationibus positus certo cotidie adversus concupiscentiam manducandi et bibendi. non enim est quod semel praecidere et ulterius non attingere decernam, sicut de concubitu potui. itaque freni gutturis temperata relaxatione et constrictione tenendi sunt.

In these temptations, therefore, I daily contend against the concupiscence of eating and drinking. For there is not something that I may cut off once and determine not to touch further, as I could in the matter of concubinage. Therefore the bridle of the throat must be held with tempered relaxation and constriction.

et quis est, domine, qui non rapiatur aliquantum extra metas necessitatis? quisquis est, magnus est, magnificet nomen tuum. ego autem non sum, quia peccator homo sum, sed et ego magnifico nomen tuum, et interpellat te pro peccatis meis qui vicit saeculum, numerans me inter infirma membra corporis sui, quia et imperfectum eius viderunt oculi tui, et in libro tuo omnes scribentur.

and who is there, Lord, who is not snatched somewhat beyond the metes of necessity? whoever he is, he is great; let him magnify your name. but I am not, because I am a sinful man; yet I too magnify your name, and he who has conquered the world intercedes with you for my sins, numbering me among the infirm members of his body, for even its imperfect part your eyes have seen, and in your book all will be written.

10.32.48

de inlecebra odorum non satago nimis. cum absunt, non requiro, cum adsunt, non respuo, paratus eis etiam semper carere. ita mihi videor; forsitan fallar.

I do not concern myself too much about the allurement of odors. When they are absent, I do not seek them; when they are present, I do not spurn them, ready also always to be without them. So I seem to myself; perhaps I am mistaken.

sunt enim et istae plangendae tenebrae in quibus me latet facultas mea quae in me est, ut animus meus de viribus suis ipse se interrogans non facile sibi credendum existimet, quia et quod inest plerumque occultum est, nisi experientia manifestetur, et nemo securus esse debet in ista vita, quae tota temptatio nominatur, utrum qui fieri potuit ex deteriore melior non fiat etiam ex meliore deterior. una spes, una fiducia, una firma promissio misericordia tua.

For there are also those lamentable shadows in which my own faculty that is in me lies hidden from me, so that my mind, questioning itself about its own powers, judges that it should not easily trust itself, because what is within is for the most part occult unless it be made manifest by experience; and no one ought to be secure in this life, which is called wholly temptation, whether he who could become better from a worse state may not also become worse from a better one. One hope, one confidence, one firm promise: your mercy.

10.33.49

voluptates aurium tenacius me implicaverant et subiugaverant, sed resolvisti et liberasti me. nunc in sonis quos animant eloquia tua cum suavi et artificiosa voce cantantur, fateor, aliquantulum adquiesco, non quidem ut haeream, sed ut surgam cum volo. attamen cum ipsis sententiis, quibus vivunt ut admittantur ad me, quaerunt in corde meo nonnullius dignitatis locum, et vix eis praebeo congruentem. aliquando enim plus mihi videor honoris eis tribuere quam decet, dum ipsis sanctis dictis religiosius et ardentius sentio moveri animos nostros in flammam pietatis cum ita cantantur, quam si non ita cantarentur, et omnes affectus spiritus nostri pro sui diversitate habere proprios modos in voce atque cantu, quorum nescio qua occulta familiaritate excitentur.

the pleasures of the ears had entangled me more tenaciously and had subjugated me, but you loosed and freed me. now, in the sounds which your utterances animate when they are sung with a sweet and artful voice, I confess, I find a little repose, not indeed so as to cling, but so that I may rise when I wish. nevertheless, together with the sentences themselves, by which they live so as to be admitted to me, they seek in my heart a place of some dignity, and I scarcely afford them a fitting one. for sometimes I seem to myself to be assigning to them more honor than is meet, while by those holy sayings themselves I feel our souls to be moved more religiously and more ardently into the flame of piety when they are thus sung than if they were not thus sung, and that all the affections of our spirit, according to their diversity, have their own proper modes in voice and in song, by some I-know-not-what hidden familiarity by which they are stirred.

sed delectatio carnis meae, cui mentem enervandam non oportet dari, saepe me fallit, dum rationi sensus non ita comitatur ut patienter sit posterior, sed tantum, quia propter illam meruit admitti, etiam praecurrere ac ducere conatur. ita in his pecco non sentiens et postea sentio.

But the delectation of my flesh, to which the mind ought not to be given so as to be enervated, often deceives me, while sense does not so accompany reason as to be patiently the latter, but only, because on account of it (reason) it has deserved to be admitted, even tries to run ahead and to lead. Thus in these things I sin not perceiving, and afterwards I perceive.

10.33.50

aliquando autem hanc ipsam fallaciam immoderatius cavens erro nimia severitate, sed valde interdum, ut melos omne cantilenarum suavium quibus daviticum psalterium frequentatur ab auribus meis removeri velim atque ipsius ecclesiae, tutiusque mihi videtur quod de Alexandrino episcopo Athanasio saepe mihi dictum commemini, qui tam modico flexu vocis faciebat sonare lectorem psalmi ut pronuntianti vicinior esset quam canenti. verum tamen cum reminiscor lacrimas meas quas fudi ad cantus ecclesiae in primordiis recuperatae fidei meae, et nunc ipsum cum moveor non cantu sed rebus quae cantantur, cum liquida voce et convenientissima modulatione cantantur, magnam instituti huius utilitatem rursus agnosco. ita fluctuo inter periculum voluptatis et experimentum salubritatis magisque adducor, non quidem inretractabilem sententiam proferens, cantandi consuetudinem approbare in ecclesia, ut per oblectamenta aurium infirmior animus in affectum pietatis adsurgat.

At times, however, guarding against this very fallacy too immoderately, I err by excessive severity—indeed very much sometimes—so that I would wish every melos of sweet cantilenas, with which the Davidic psalter is frequented, to be removed from my ears and from the church itself; and it seems safer to me what I remember was often said to me about Athanasius, bishop of Alexandria, who with so slight an inflection of voice made the reader of the psalm sound that he was nearer to one pronouncing than to one singing. Yet indeed when I recall my tears which I poured forth at the chants of the church in the beginnings of my recovered faith, and even now when I am moved not by the song but by the things that are sung, when they are sung with a liquid voice and the most fitting modulation, I again recognize the great usefulness of this institution. Thus I fluctuate between the danger of pleasure and the experience of salubritas, and am rather induced—indeed not pronouncing an irretractable judgment—to approve the custom of singing in the church, that through the delectations of the ears the weaker mind may rise into an affection of piety.

tamen cum mihi accidit ut me amplius cantus quam res quae canitur moveat, poenaliter me peccare confiteor et tunc mallem non audire cantantem. ecce ubi sum! flete mecum et pro me flete qui aliquid boni vobiscum intus agitis, unde facta procedunt.

Yet when it happens to me that the chant moves me more than the thing that is chanted, I confess that I sin in a way meriting penalty, and then I would prefer not to hear the singer. Behold where I am! Weep with me, and weep for me, you who within yourselves are doing some good, whence deeds proceed.

nam qui non agitis, non vos haec movent. tu autem, domine deus meus, exaudi: respice et vide et miserere et sana me, in cuius oculis mihi quaestio factus sum, et ipse est languor meus.

for you who do not act, these things do not move you. but you, Lord my God, hear: look upon and see and have mercy and heal me, in whose eyes I have become a question to myself, and that very thing is my languor.

10.34.51

restat voluptas oculorum istorum carnis meae, de qua loquar confessiones quas audiant aures templi tui, aures fraternae ac piae, ut concludamus temptationes concupiscentiae carnis quae me adhuc pulsant, ingemescentem et habitaculum meum, quod de caelo est, superindui cupientem. pulchras formas et varias, nitidos et amoenos colores amant oculi. non teneant haec animam meam; teneat eam deus, qui fecit haec bona quidem valde, sed ipse est bonum meum, non haec.

there remains the pleasure of the eyes of this my flesh, about which I will speak confessions that the ears of your temple may hear, ears fraternal and pious, that we may bring to a close the temptations of the concupiscence of the flesh which still beat upon me, me groaning and desiring to be over-clothed with my habitation which is from heaven. the eyes love fair and various forms, bright and lovely colors. let not these hold my soul; let God hold it, who made these things indeed very good, but he himself is my good, not these.

et tangunt me vigilantem totis diebus, nec requies ab eis datur mihi, sicut datur a vocibus canoris, aliquando ab omnibus, in silentio. ipsa enim regina colorum, lux ista perfundens cuncta quae cernimus, ubiubi per diem fuero, multimodo adlapsu blanditur mihi aliud agenti et eam non advertenti. insinuat autem se ita vehementer ut, si repente subtrahatur, cum desiderio requiratur; et si diu absit, contristat animum.

and they touch me, wakeful, all the day long, nor is rest given me from them, as is given from melodious voices—sometimes from all of them—in silence. for the very queen of colors, this light suffusing all the things we discern, wherever during the day I may be, with manifold gliding she flatters me as I am doing something else and not adverting to her. moreover she insinuates herself so vehemently that, if she be suddenly withdrawn, she is sought with desire; and if she be absent for a long time, she saddens the mind.

10.34.52

o lux quam videbat Tobis, cum clausis istis oculis filium docebat vitae viam et ei praeibat pede caritatis nusquam errans; aut quam videbat Isaac praegravatis et opertis senectute carneis luminibus, cum filios non agnoscendo benedicere sed benedicendo agnoscere meruit; aut quam videbat Iacob, cum et ipse prae grandi aetate captus oculis in filiis praesignata futuri populi genera luminoso corde radiavit et nepotibus suis ex Ioseph divexas mystice manus, non sicut pater eorum foris corrigebat, sed sicut ipse intus discernebat, imposuit -- ipsa est lux, una est et unum omnes qui vident et amant eam. at ista corporalis, de qua loquebar, inlecebrosa ac periculosa dulcedine condit vitam saeculi caecis amatoribus. cum autem et de ipsa laudare te norunt, deus creator omnium, adsumunt eam in hymno tuo, non absumuntur ab ea in somno suo: sic esse cupio.

O light which Tobit saw, when with those eyes shut he was teaching his son the way of life and was leading him before him with the step of charity, erring nowhere; or which Isaac saw, when his fleshly lights were weighed down and closed by old age, when by not recognizing his sons he merited to bless them, but by blessing to recognize them; or which Jacob saw, when he too, because of great age, was taken in the eyes, and with a luminous heart he irradiated in his sons the pre-signified generations of the future people, and upon his grandsons from Joseph he mystically set his crossed hands, not as their father corrected outwardly, but as he himself discerned inwardly, he imposed them — this is the light: it is one, and all who see and love it are one. But this bodily light, of which I was speaking, seasons the life of the world for blind lovers with an alluring and dangerous sweetness. Yet when they also know to praise you even on account of it, O God, creator of all, they take it up into your hymn; they are not consumed by it in their own sleep: thus I desire to be.

resisto seductionibus oculorum, ne implicentur pedes mei, quibus ingredior viam tuam, et erigo ad te invisibiles oculos, ut tu evellas de laqueo pedes meos. tu subinde evelles eos, nam inlaqueantur. tu non cessas evellere (ego autem crebro haereo in ubique sparsis insidiis) quoniam non dormies neque dormitabis, qui custodis Israhel.

i resist the seductions of the eyes, lest my feet be entangled, with which i enter upon your way, and i raise to you the invisible eyes, that you may pluck my feet out of the snare. you again and again pluck them out, for they are ensnared. you do not cease to pluck them out (but i often adhere amid the ambushes scattered everywhere), since you will neither sleep nor slumber, you who keep israel.

10.34.53

quam innumerabilia variis artibus et opificiis, in vestibus, calciamentis, vasis et cuiuscemodi fabricationibus, picturis etiam diversisque figmentis atque his usum necessarium atque moderatum et piam significationem longe transgredientibus addiderunt homines ad inlecebras oculorum, foras sequentes quod faciunt, intus relinquentes a quo facti sunt et exterminantes quod facti sunt. at ego, deus meus et decus meum, etiam hinc tibi dico hymnum et sacrifico laudem sacrificatori meo, quoniam pulchra traiecta per animas in manus artificiosas ab illa pulchritudine veniunt quae super animas est, cui suspirat anima mea die ac nocte. sed pulchritudinum exteriorum operatores et sectatores inde trahunt approbandi modum, non autem inde trahunt utendi modum.

how innumerable are the things, by various arts and handiworks, in garments, footwear, vessels, and fabrications of whatever kind, in pictures also and diverse figments—and these far overpassing the necessary and moderate use and the pious signification—men have added for the allurements of the eyes, following outwardly what they make, leaving within Him by whom they were made, and ex-terminating what they have been made. but I, my God and my glory, even from here say to you a hymn and sacrifice praise to my sacrificer, since fair things, conveyed through souls into artificious hands, come from that Beauty which is above souls, for which my soul sighs day and night. but the operators and followers of exterior beauties draw from thence the measure for approving, yet they do not draw from thence the measure for using.

et ibi est et non vident eum, ut non eant longius et fortitudinem suam ad te custodiant nec eam spargant in deliciosas lassitudines. ego autem haec loquens atque discernens etiam istis pulchris gressum innecto, sed tu evellis, domine, evellis tu, quoniam misericordia tua ante oculos meos est. nam ego capior miserabiliter, et tu evellis misericorditer aliquando non sentientem, quia suspensius incideram, aliquando cum dolore, quia iam inhaeseram.

and he is there and they do not see him, so that they may not go farther and may guard their fortitude for you, nor scatter it into delicious languors. But I, speaking and discerning these things, even in these beauties entangle my step; but you pluck me out, Lord, you pluck me out, since your mercy is before my eyes. For I am pitiably taken captive, and you mercifully pluck me out—sometimes without my feeling it, because I had fallen in more superficially, sometimes with pain, because I had already adhered.

10.35.54

huc accedit alia forma temptationis multiplicius periculosa. praeter enim concupiscentiam carnis, quae inest in delectatione omnium sensuum et voluptatum, cui servientes depereunt qui longe se faciunt a te, inest animae per eosdem sensus corporis quaedam non se oblectandi in carne, sed experiendi per carnem vana et curiosa cupiditas nomine cognitionis et scientiae palliata. quae quoniam in appetitu noscendi est, oculi autem sunt ad noscendum in sensibus principes, concupiscentia oculorum eloquio divino appellata est.

To this there comes another form of temptation, more manifoldly perilous. For besides the concupiscence of the flesh, which is present in the delectation of all the senses and pleasures—by serving which they perish who make themselves far from you—there is present in the soul, through those same senses of the body, a certain desire, not of self-indulging in the flesh, but of experiencing through the flesh vain and curious cupidity, cloaked under the name of cognition and science. And since it is in the appetite of knowing, and the eyes are in the senses the principal for knowing, it has been called by divine eloquence the concupiscence of the eyes.

ad oculos enim proprie videre pertinet, utimur autem hoc verbo etiam in ceteris sensibus, cum eos ad cognoscendum intendimus. neque enim dicimus, 'audi quid rutilet,' aut, 'olefac quam niteat,' aut, 'gusta quam splendeat,' aut, 'palpa quam fulgeat': videri enim dicuntur haec omnia. dicimus autem non solum, 'vide quid luceat,' quod soli oculi sentire possunt, sed etiam, 'vide quid sonet,' 'vide quid oleat,' 'vide quid sapiat,' 'vide quam durum sit.' ideoque generalis experientia sensuum concupiscentia (sicut dictum est) oculorum vocatur, quia videndi officium, in quo primatum oculi tenent, etiam ceteri sensus sibi de similitudine usurpant, cum aliquid cognitionis explorant.

for to the eyes properly pertains to see; yet we use this verb also with the other senses, when we direct them to cognition. For we do not say, 'hear what glitters,' or, 'smell how it shines,' or, 'taste how it gleams,' or, 'feel how it flashes': for all these things are said to be seen. But we say not only, 'see what is bright,' which only the eyes can perceive, but also, 'see what sounds,' 'see what smells,' 'see what tastes,' 'see how hard it is.' And therefore the general experience of the senses is called (as has been said) the concupiscence of the eyes, because the office of seeing, in which the eyes hold the primacy, is also usurped by the other senses for themselves by likeness, when they explore something of cognition.

10.35.55

ex hoc autem evidentius discernitur quid voluptatis, quid curiositatis agatur per sensus, quod voluptas pulchra, canora, suavia, sapida, lenia sectatur, curiositas autem etiam his contraria temptandi causa, non ad subeundam molestiam sed experiendi noscendique libidine. quid enim voluptatis habet videre in laniato cadavere quod exhorreas? et tamen sicubi iaceat, concurrunt, ut contristentur, ut palleant.

From this, however, it is more evidently discerned what of pleasure and what of curiosity is carried on through the senses: that Pleasure pursues things beautiful, canorous, suave, sapid, smooth; but Curiosity, even the contraries to these, for the sake of trying them, not to undergo annoyance but from the lust of experiencing and of knowing. For what pleasure is there in looking upon a lacerated cadaver at which you shudder? And yet, wherever it may lie, they run together—to be saddened, to grow pale.

timent etiam ne in somnis hoc videant, quasi quisquam eos vigilantes videre coegerit aut pulchritudinis ulla fama persuaserit. ita et in ceteris sensibus, quae persequi longum est. ex hoc morbo cupiditatis in spectaculis exhibentur quaeque miracula.

They even fear lest they see this in dreams, as if anyone had compelled them, while awake, to see it, or any report of beauty had persuaded them. So also in the other senses, which it would be long to pursue. From this disease of cupidity there are exhibited in spectacles all sorts of miracles.

hinc ad perscrutanda naturae, quae praeter nos est, operta proceditur, quae scire nihil prodest et nihil aliud quam scire homines cupiunt. hinc etiam si quid eodem perversae scientiae fine per artes magicas quaeritur. hinc etiam in ipsa religione deus temptatur, cum signa et prodigia flagitantur non ad aliquam salutem, sed ad solam experientiam desiderata.

From here one proceeds to scrutinize the hidden things of nature, which is outside us—things whose knowing profits nothing, and men desire nothing other than to know. From here too, if anything is sought to the same end of perverse science through magical arts. From here also, in religion itself God is tempted, when signs and prodigies are demanded, desired not for any salvation, but for mere experience alone.

10.35.56

in hac tam immensa silva plena insidiarum et periculorum, ecce multa praeciderim et a meo corde dispulerim, sicut donasti me facere, deus salutis meae. attamen quando audeo dicere, cum circumquaque cotidianam vitam nostram tam multa huius generis rerum circumstrepant, quando audeo dicere nulla re tali me intentum fieri ad spectandum et vana cura capiendum? sane me iam theatra non rapiunt, nec curo nosse transitus siderum, nec anima mea umquam responsa quaesivit umbrarum; omnia sacrilega sacramenta detestor.

in this so immense forest full of ambushes and perils, behold, I have cut off many things and driven them from my heart, as you granted me to do, O God of my salvation. yet when do I dare to say—since on every side so many things of this kind are clamorously surrounding our daily life—when do I dare to say that by no such thing I am made intent to spectate and to be seized by vain care? assuredly the theaters no longer snatch me away, nor do I care to know the transits of the stars, nor has my soul ever sought the responses of the shades; all sacrilegious sacraments I detest.

a te, domine deus meus, cui humilem famulatum ac simplicem debeo, quantis mecum suggestionum machinationibus agit inimicus ut signum aliquod petam! sed obsecro te per regem nostrum et patriam Hierusalem simplicem, castam, ut quemadmodum a me longe est ad ista consensio, ita sit semper longe atque longius. pro salute autem cuiusquam cum te rogo, alius multum differens finis est intentionis meae, et te facientem quod vis das mihi et dabis libenter sequi.

from you, Lord my God, to whom I owe humble and simple servitude, with how great machinations of suggestions the Enemy deals with me, that I should ask for some sign! but I beseech you by our King and the fatherland Jerusalem, simple, chaste, that, just as consent to these things is far from me, so may it be always far and farther. however, when for the salvation of anyone I ask you, the end of my intention is another, much differing, and you, doing what you will, give me and will give me to follow gladly.

10.35.57

verum tamen in quam multis minutissimis et contemptibilibus rebus curiositas cotidie nostra temptetur et quam saepe labamur, quis enumerat? quotiens narrantes inania primo quasi toleramus, ne offendamus infirmos, deinde paulatim libenter advertimus. canem currentem post leporem iam non specto cum in circo fit; at vero in agro, si casu transeam, avertit me fortassis et ab aliqua magna cogitatione atque ad se convertit illa venatio, non deviare cogens corpore iumenti sed cordis inclinatione, et nisi iam mihi demonstrata infirmitate mea cito admoneas aut ex ipsa visione per aliquam considerationem in te adsurgere aut totum contemnere atque transire, vanus hebesco.

yet nevertheless, in how many most minute and contemptible matters our curiosity is tempted daily, and how often we slip—who enumerates it? how often, those narrating inanities, we at first as it were tolerate, lest we offend the weak, then little by little we gladly turn our attention. a dog running after a hare I no longer watch when it happens in the circus; but indeed in the field, if by chance I pass by, that hunt perhaps turns me aside even from some great cogitation and turns me to itself, not compelling a deviation by the body of my beast of burden but by an inclination of the heart; and unless, my infirmity now having been shown to me, you quickly admonish me either from the sight itself through some consideration to rise up unto you, or to contemn the whole and pass by, I grow dull in vanity.

quid cum me domi sedentem stelio muscas captans vel aranea retibus suis inruentes implicans saepe intentum facit? num quia parva sunt animalia, ideo non res eadem geritur? pergo inde ad laudandum te, creatorem mirificum atque ordinatorem rerum omnium, sed non inde esse intentus incipio.

What about when, as I sit at home, a stellion catching flies or a spider, entangling in its nets those rushing in, often makes me intent? Is it because the animals are small that therefore the same affair is not being transacted? I go on thence to praising you, the marvelous creator and ordainer of all things, but not from there do I begin to be intent.

aliud est cito surgere, aliud est non cadere. et talibus vita mea plena est, et una spes mea magna valde misericordia tua. cum enim huiuscemodi rerum conceptaculum fit cor nostrum et portat copiosae vanitatis catervas, hinc et orationes nostrae saepe interrumpuntur atque turbantur, et ante conspectum tuum, dum ad aures tuas vocem cordis intendimus, nescio unde inruentibus nugatoriis cogitationibus res tanta praeciditur.

it is one thing to rise quickly, another not to fall. and with such things my life is full, and my one very great hope is your mercy. for when our heart becomes a receptacle of matters of this sort and carries hordes of copious vanity, from this our prayers too are often interrupted and disturbed; and before your sight, while we stretch the voice of the heart to your ears, with nugatory thoughts bursting in I know not whence, so great a matter is cut short.

10.36.58

numquid etiam hoc inter contemnenda deputabimus, aut aliquid nos reducet in spem nisi nota misericordia tua, quoniam coepisti mutare nos? et tu scis quanta ex parte mutaveris, qui me primitus sanas a libidine vindicandi me, ut propitius fias etiam ceteris omnibus iniquitatibus meis, et sanes omnes languores meos, et redimas de corruptione vitam meam, et corones me in miseratione et misericordia, et saties in bonis desiderium meum, qui compressisti a timore tuo superbiam meam et mansuefecisti iugo tuo cervicem meam. et nunc porto illud, et lene est mihi, quoniam sic promisisti et fecisti; et vere sic erat, et nesciebam, quando id subire metuebam.

Shall we reckon even this among things to be contemned, or will anything bring us back into hope except your well-known mercy, since you have begun to change us? And you know to what extent you have changed, you who first heal me of the lust of avenging myself, so that you may be propitious also to all my other iniquities, and may heal all my languors, and redeem my life from corruption, and crown me with miseration and mercy, and satisfy my desire with good things—you who have repressed my pride by your fear and have made gentle my neck to your yoke. And now I carry it, and it is light for me, because thus you promised and have done; and truly so it was, and I did not know it, when I feared to undergo it.

10.36.59

sed numquid, domine, qui solus sine typho dominaris, quia solus verus dominus es, qui non habes dominum, numquid hoc quoque tertium temptationis genus cessavit a me aut cessare in hac tota vita potest, timeri et amari velle ab hominibus, non propter aliud sed ut inde sit gaudium quod non est gaudium? misera vita est et foeda iactantia; hinc fit vel maxime non amare te nec caste timere te, ideoque tu superbis resistis, humilibus autem das gratiam, et intonas super ambitiones saeculi, et contremunt fundamenta montium. itaque nobis, quoniam propter quaedam humanae societatis officia necessarium est amari et timeri ab hominibus, instat adversarius verae beatitudinis nostrae, ubique spargens in laqueis 'euge!

but is it, Lord, you who alone rule without puffed-up pride, since you alone are the true Lord, who have no lord—has this also, the third kind of temptation, ceased from me, or can it cease in this whole life: to wish to be feared and loved by human beings, not for any other reason but so that from it there may be a joy which is not joy? wretched is that life and foul vaunting; from this there arises most of all not to love you nor to fear you chastely; and therefore you resist the proud, but to the humble you give grace, and you thunder over the ambitions of the age, and the foundations of the mountains tremble. and so for us, since on account of certain offices of human society it is necessary to be loved and feared by human beings, the adversary of our true beatitude presses hard, everywhere scattering in the snares 'euge!

euge!' ut, dum avide conligimus, incaute capiamur et a veritate tua gaudium nostrum deponamus atque in hominum fallacia ponamus, libeatque nos amari et timeri non propter te sed pro te, atque isto modo sui similes factos secum habeat, non ad concordiam caritatis sed ad consortium supplicii, qui statuit sedem suam ponere in aquilone, ut te perversa et distorta via imitanti tenebrosi frigidique servirent. nos autem, domine, pusillus grex tuus ecce sumus, tu nos posside. praetende alas tuas, et fugiamus sub eas.

“well done!” so that, while we avidly gather, we are incautiously captured, and we lay aside our joy from your truth and place it in the fallacy of men; and it may please us to be loved and feared, not on account of you but in place of you; and in this way he may have with himself those made similar to himself, not unto the concord of charity but unto the consortium of punishment—he who resolved to set his seat in the North—so that, by a perverse and distorted way imitating you, the dark and frigid might serve him. But we, Lord, your little flock, behold we are; do you possess us. Stretch forth your wings, and let us flee beneath them.

gloria nostra tu esto; propter te amemur et verbum tuum timeatur in nobis. qui laudari vult ab hominibus vituperante te, non defendetur ab hominibus iudicante te nec eripietur damnante te. cum autem non peccator laudatur in desideriis animae suae, nec qui iniqua gerit benedicetur, sed laudatur homo propter aliquod donum quod dedisti ei, at ille plus gaudet sibi laudari se quam ipsum donum habere unde laudatur, etiam iste te vituperante laudatur, et melior iam ille qui laudavit quam iste qui laudatus est. illi enim placuit in homine donum dei, huic amplius placuit donum hominis quam dei.

be our glory; for your sake let us be loved, and let your word be feared in us. He who wishes to be praised by men while you reproach will not be defended by men when you judge, nor will he be snatched away when you condemn. But when it is not the sinner who is praised in the desires of his soul, nor is he who does iniquities called blessed, but a man is praised on account of some gift that you have given him, yet if that man rejoices more that he himself is praised than that he has the very gift for which he is praised, even this man is praised while you reproach; and already he who praised is better than he who was praised. For to that man the gift of God pleased in the man; to this one the gift of man pleased more than that of God.

10.37.60

temptamur his temptationibus cotidie, domine, sine cessatione temptamur. cotidiana fornax nostra est humana lingua. imperas nobis et in hoc genere continentiam: da quod iubes et iube quod vis.

we are tempted by these temptations every day, lord, without cessation we are tempted. our daily furnace is the human tongue. you command for us even in this kind continence: give what you command and command what you will.

tu nosti de hac re ad te gemitum cordis mei et flumina oculorum meorum. neque enim facile conligo quam sim ab ista peste mundatior, et multum timeo occulta mea, quae norunt oculi tui, mei autem non. est enim qualiscumque in aliis generibus temptationum mihi facultas explorandi me, in hoc paene nulla est.

you know, concerning this matter, the groan of my heart unto you and the rivers of my eyes. nor do I easily gather how much I am more cleansed from that pestilence, and I greatly fear my hidden things, which your eyes know, but mine do not. for there is, of whatever sort, in other kinds of temptations a faculty for me of exploring myself; in this one there is almost none.

nam et a voluptatibus carnis et a curiositate supervacanea cognoscendi video quantum adsecutus sim posse refrenare animum meum, cum eis rebus careo vel voluntate vel cum absunt. tunc enim me interrogo quam magis minusve mihi molestum sit non habere. divitiae vero, quae ob hoc expetuntur, ut alicui trium istarum cupiditatium vel duabus earum vel omnibus serviant, si persentiscere non potest animus utrum eas habens contemnat, possunt et dimitti, ut se probet.

for both with respect to the pleasures of the flesh and to the superfluous curiosity of knowing, I see how much I have attained to be able to bridle my mind, when I am without these things either by will or when they are absent. for then I ask myself how more or less troublesome it is to me not to have them. riches indeed, which for this reason are sought, that they may serve one of these three cupidities, or two of them, or all, if the mind cannot keenly perceive whether, while having them, it despises them, can also be dismissed, that it may prove itself.

laude vero ut careamus atque in eo experiamur quid possumus, numquid male vivendum est et tam perdite atque immaniter, ut nemo nos noverit qui non detestetur? quae maior dementia dici aut cogitari potest? at si bonae vitae bonorumque operum comes et solet et debet esse laudatio, tam comitatum eius quam ipsam bonam vitam deseri non oportet.

but as for praise, that we may lack it and therein make trial of what we can, must we live badly and so ruinously and monstrously that no one knows us who does not detest us? what greater dementia can be said or thought? but if praise is both wont and ought to be the companion of a good life and of good works, neither its companionship nor the good life itself ought to be deserted.

non autem sentio, sine quo esse aut aequo animo aut aegre possim, nisi cum afuerit.

But I do not perceive, unless when it has been absent, whether I can be without it either with an even mind or with difficulty.

10.37.61

quid igitur tibi in hoc genere temptationis, domine, confiteor? quid, nisi delectari me laudibus? sed amplius ipsa veritate quam laudibus.

What then do I confess to you in this kind of temptation, Lord? What, except that I take delight in praises? but more in the truth itself than in praises.

nam si mihi proponatur utrum malim furens aut in omnibus rebus errans ab omnibus hominibus laudari, an constans et in veritate certissimus ab omnibus vituperari, video quid eligam. verum tamen nollem, ut vel augeret mihi gaudium cuiuslibet boni mei suffragatio oris alieni. sed auget, fateor, non solum, sed et vituperatio minuit.

for if it were proposed to me whether I would prefer, while raving or erring in all things, to be praised by all men, or, being constant and most certain in the truth, to be vituperated by all, I see what I would choose. yet nonetheless I would not wish that the suffrage of another’s mouth should even increase for me the joy of any good of mine. but it does increase it, I confess; and not only that, but vituperation also diminishes it.

et cum ista miseria mea perturbor, subintrat mihi excusatio, quae qualis sit, tu scis, deus; nam me incertum facit. quia enim nobis imperasti non tantum continentiam (id est a quibus rebus amorem cohibeamus), verum etiam iustitiam (id est quo eum conferamus), nec te tantum voluisti a nobis verum etiam proximum diligi, saepe mihi videor de provectu aut spe proximi delectari, cum bene intellegentis laude delector, et rursus eius malo contristari, cum eum audio vituperare quod aut ignorat aut bonum est. nam et contristor aliquando laudibus meis, cum vel ea laudantur in me in quibus mihi ipse displiceo, vel etiam bona minora et levia pluris aestimantur quam aestimanda sunt.

and when I am perturbed by this my misery, an excuse steals in upon me—of what sort it is, you know, O God; for it makes me uncertain. For you have commanded us not only continence (that is, from what things we should restrain love) but also justice (that is, toward what we should direct it), and you have willed to be loved not only yourself by us but also the neighbor; often I seem to myself to be delighted at the progress or hope of the neighbor, when I am delighted by the praise of one who understands well, and in turn to be saddened at his ill, when I hear him vituperate what he either is ignorant of or what is good. For I am also sometimes saddened by my praises, when either those things are praised in me in which I myself displease myself, or even lesser and light goods are esteemed more than they ought to be esteemed.

sed rursus unde scio an propterea sic afficior, quia nolo de me ipso a me dissentire laudatorem meum, non quia illius utilitate moveor, sed quia eadem bona quae mihi in me placent iucundiora mihi sunt, cum et alteri placent? quodam modo enim non ego laudor, cum de me sententia mea non laudatur, quandoquidem aut illa laudantur quae mihi displicent, aut illa amplius quae mihi minus placent. ergone de hoc incertus sum mei?

but again, how do I know whether I am thus affected for this reason: that I do not wish my praiser to dissent from me about myself, not because I am moved by his utility, but because the same goods which please me in myself are more delightful to me when they also please another? for in a certain manner I am not the one praised, when my own judgment about me is not praised, since either those things are praised which displease me, or those are praised more which please me less. am I then, about this, uncertain of myself?

10.37.62

ecce in te, veritas, video non me laudibus meis propter me, sed propter proximi utilitatem moveri oportere. et utrum ita sim, nescio. minus mihi in hac re notus sum ipse quam tu. obsecro te, deus meus, et me ipsum mihi indica, ut confitear oraturis pro me fratribus meis quod in me saucium comperero.

Behold, in you, Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved by my own praises on account of myself, but for the neighbor’s utility. And whether I am thus, I know not. In this matter I am less known to myself than you are. I beseech you, my God, also indicate me to myself, that I may confess to my brothers who will pray for me what I shall have discovered wounded in me.

iterum me diligentius interrogem. si utilitate proximi moveor in laudibus meis, cur minus moveor si quisquam alius iniuste vituperetur quam si ego? cur ea contumelia magis mordeor quae in me quam quae in alium eadem iniquitate coram me iacitur?

Let me again interrogate myself more diligently. If I am moved, in my praises, by the utility of my neighbor, why am I less moved when anyone else is unjustly vituperated than when I am? Why am I more stung by that contumely which is hurled at me than by that which, with the same iniquity, is hurled at another in my presence?

an et hoc nescio? etiamne id restat, ut ipse me seducam et verum non faciam coram te in corde et lingua mea? insaniam istam, domine, longe fac a me, ne oleum peccatoris mihi sit os meum ad impinguandum caput meum.

Or do I not know even this? Does it still remain that I should lead myself aside and not do the truth before you in my heart and in my tongue? Drive far from me, Lord, that insanity, lest the oil of the sinner be my mouth for fattening my head.

10.38.63

egenus et pauper ego sum, et melior in occulto gemitu displicens mihi et quaerens misericordiam tuam, donec reficiatur defectus meus et perficiatur usque in pacem quam nescit arrogantis oculus. sermo autem ore procedens et facta quae innotescunt hominibus habent temptationem periculosissimam ab amore laudis, qui ad privatam quandam excellentiam contrahit emendicata suffragia. temptat et cum a me in me arguitur, eo ipso quo arguitur, et saepe de ipso vanae gloriae contemptu vanius gloriatur, ideoque non iam de ipso contemptu gloriae gloriatur: non enim eam contemnit cum gloriatur.

I am needy and poor, and I am better in a hidden groan, displeasing to myself and seeking your mercy, until my failing be refreshed and be perfected unto the peace which the eye of the arrogant knows not. But speech proceeding from the mouth, and deeds which become known to men, have a most perilous temptation from the love of praise, which draws together begged-for suffrages toward a certain private excellence. It tempts even when by me in myself it is reproved, by that very thing by which it is reproved; and often it boasts more vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory, and therefore it no longer glories in the very contempt of glory: for it does not despise it when it glories.

10.39.64

intus etiam, intus est aliud in eodem genere temptationis malum, quo inanescunt qui placent sibi de se, quamvis aliis vel non placeant vel displiceant nec placere affectent ceteris. sed sibi placentes multum tibi displicent, non tantum de non bonis quasi bonis, verum etiam de bonis tuis quasi suis, aut etiam sicut de tuis, sed tamquam ex meritis suis, aut etiam sicut ex tua gratia, non tamen socialiter gaudentes, sed aliis invidentes eam. in his omnibus atque in huiuscemodi periculis et laboribus vides tremorem cordis mei, et vulnera mea magis subinde a te sanari quam mihi non infligi sentio.

Within too, within there is another evil in the same genus of temptation, whereby those are made empty who are pleased with themselves about themselves, although to others they either do not please or are displeasing, and they do not aim to please the rest. But those pleasing themselves greatly displease you, not only on account of not-good things as if good, but even on account of your good things as if their own; or even as from yours, yet as though from their own merits; or even as from your grace, yet not rejoicing socially, but envying it to others. In all these things and in perils and labors of this kind you see the trembling of my heart, and I feel my wounds to be rather being healed by you again and again than not being inflicted on me.

10.40.65

ubi non mecum ambulasti, veritas, docens quid caveam et quid appetam, cum ad te referrem inferiora visa mea quae potui, teque consulerem? lustravi mundum foris sensu quo potui, et attendi vitam corporis mei de me sensusque ipsos meos. inde ingressus sum in recessus memoriae meae, multiplices amplitudines plenas miris modis copiarum innumerabilium, et consideravi et expavi, et nihil eorum discernere potui sine te et nihil eorum esse te inveni.

Where was it that you did not walk with me, Truth, teaching what I should beware and what I should seek, when I referred to you my lower sights as I could, and consulted you? I traversed the world outside with the sense by which I could, and I attended to the life of my body in myself and to my very senses. Thence I entered into the recesses of my memory, manifold amplitudes full, in wondrous ways, of innumerable stores; and I considered and I took fright, and I could discern none of these without you, and I found that none of these are you.

nec ego ipse inventor, qui peragravi omnia et distinguere et pro suis quaeque dignitatibus aestimare conatus sum, excipiens alia nuntiantibus sensibus et interrogans, alia mecum commixta sentiens ipsosque nuntios dinoscens atque dinumerans iamque in memoriae latis opibus alia pertractans, alia recondens, alia eruens. nec ego ipse cum haec agerem, id est vis mea qua id agebam, nec ipsa eras tu, quia lux es tu permanens quam de omnibus consulebam, an essent, quid essent, quanti pendenda essent, et audiebam docentem ac iubentem. et saepe istuc facio.

nor was I myself the inventor, who traversed all things and tried to distinguish and to estimate each according to its proper dignities, receiving some from the senses that announce and questioning, sensing others mingled with me, and discerning the very messengers and enumerating them, and already in the broad resources of memory handling some things, storing others away, digging others out. nor was I myself, when I was doing these things, that is, my power by which I was doing it, nor was that yourself, because you are the abiding light whom I consulted about all things—whether they were, what they were, how much they were to be weighed—and I would hear you teaching and commanding. and I often do so.

hoc me delectat, et ab actionibus necessitatis, quantum relaxari possum, ad istam voluptatem refugio. neque in his omnibus quae percurro consulens te invenio tutum locum animae meae nisi in te, quo conligantur sparsa mea nec a te quicquam recedat ex me. et aliquando intromittis me in affectum multum inusitatum introrsus, ad nescio quam dulcedinem, quae si perficiatur in me, nescio quid erit quod vita ista non erit. sed recido in haec aerumnosis ponderibus et resorbeor solitis et teneor et multum fleo, sed multum teneor.

This delights me, and from the actions of necessity, so far as I can be relaxed, I take refuge to that pleasure. Nor in all these things which I run through, consulting you, do I find a safe place for my soul except in you, wherein my scattered things may be gathered together and nothing of mine may withdraw from you. And at times you admit me into a very unusual inward affect, unto I-know-not-what sweetness, which, if it be perfected in me, I know not what it will be, only that it will not be this life. But I fall back into these things under grievous weights and am reabsorbed by the usual things and am held fast and I weep much, but I am much held fast.

tantum consuetudinis sarcina digna est! his esse valeo nec volo, illic volo nec valeo, miser utrubique.

How weighty is the burden of habit! In these I am able to be and do not will; there I will and am not able, wretched in both.

10.41.66

ideoque consideravi languores peccatorum meorum in cupiditate triplici, et dexteram tuam invocavi ad salutem meam. vidi enim splendorem tuum corde saucio et repercussus dixi, 'quis illuc potest?' proiectus sum a facie oculorum tuorum. tu es veritas super omnia praesidens, at ego per avaritiam meam non amittere te volui, sed volui tecum possidere mendacium, sicut nemo vult ita falsum dicere, ut nesciat ipse quid verum sit.

and so I considered the languors of my sins in the triple cupidity, and I invoked your right hand for my salvation. for I saw your splendor with a wounded heart, and, repelled, I said, 'who can get there?' I was cast forth from before the face of your eyes. you are Truth presiding over all things, but I, through my avarice, did not wish to lose you, but wished to possess a lie with you, just as no one wishes so to speak a falsehood as not to know himself what is true.

itaque amisi te, quia non dignaris cum mendacio possideri.

and so I lost you, because you do not deign to be possessed along with a lie.

10.42.67

quem invenirem qui me reconciliaret tibi? ambiendum mihi fuit ad angelos? qua prece?

Whom would I find who might reconcile me to you? Was it necessary for me to solicit the angels? By what prayer?

quibus sacramentis? multi conantes ad te redire neque per se ipsos valentes, sicut audio, temptaverunt haec, et inciderunt in desiderium curiosarum visionum, et digni habiti sunt inlusionibus. elati enim te quaerebant doctrinae fastu exserentes potius quam tundentes pectora, et adduxerunt sibi per similitudinem cordis sui conspirantes et socias superbiae suae potestates aeris huius, a quibus per potentias magicas deciperentur, quaerentes mediatorem per quem purgarentur, et non erat.

by what sacraments? many, attempting to return to you and not being strong enough by themselves, as I hear, tried such things, and fell into a craving for curious visions, and were deemed worthy of illusions. for, puffed up, they were seeking you with the arrogance of doctrine, thrusting out rather than beating their breasts, and they drew to themselves—by the likeness of their heart—the powers of this air, conspiring and confederate with their pride, by whom they were deceived through magical powers, seeking a mediator through whom they might be purged, and there was none.

diabolus enim erat transfigurans se in angelum lucis, et multum inlexit superbam carnem, quod carneo corpore ipse non esset. erant enim illi mortales et peccatores, tu autem, domine, cui reconciliari superbe quaerebant, immortalis et sine peccato. mediator autem inter deum et homines oportebat ut haberet aliquid simile deo, aliquid simile hominibus, ne in utroque hominibus similis longe esset a deo, aut in utroque deo similis longe esset ab hominibus atque ita mediator non esset.

for the devil was transfiguring himself into an angel of light, and he greatly enticed the proud flesh, because he himself was not in a carnal body. for they were mortal and sinners, but you, Lord, to whom they were seeking proudly to be reconciled, are immortal and without sin. but the mediator between God and men had to have something similar to God, something similar to men, lest in both respects, being like men, he be far from God, or in both, being like God, he be far from men, and thus not be a mediator.

fallax itaque ille mediator, quo per secreta iudicia tua superbia meretur inludi, unum cum hominibus habet, id est peccatum, aliud videri vult habere cum deo, ut, quia carnis mortalitate non tegitur, pro immortali se ostentet. sed quia stipendium peccati mors est, hoc habet commune cum hominibus, unde simul damnetur in mortem.

Therefore that deceitful mediator, by whom through your secret judgments pride merits to be deluded, has one thing in common with human beings, that is, sin; he wishes to seem to have another in common with God, namely that, because he is not veiled by the mortality of flesh, he may display himself as an immortal. But because the wages of sin is death, this he has in common with human beings, whereby he is condemned together with them to death.

10.43.68

verax autem mediator, quem secreta tua misericordia demonstrasti hominibus et misisti, ut eius exemplo etiam ipsam discerent humilitatem, mediator ille dei et hominum, homo Christus Iesus, inter mortales peccatores et immortalem iustum apparuit, mortalis cum hominibus, iustus cum deo, ut, quoniam stipendium iustitiae vita et pax est, per iustitiam coniunctam deo evacuaret mortem iustificatorum impiorum, quam cum illis voluit habere communem. hic demonstratus est antiquis sanctis, ut ita ipsi per fidem futurae passionis eius, sicut nos per fidem praeteritae, salvi fierent. in quantum enim homo, in tantum mediator, in quantum autem verbum, non medius, quia aequalis deo et deus apud deum et simul unus deus.

but the veracious mediator, whom your secret mercy has shown to men and sent, that by his example they might learn humility itself, that mediator of God and men, the man Christ Jesus, appeared between mortal sinners and the immortal Just One—mortal with men, just with God—so that, since the stipend of justice is life and peace, through justice conjoined to God he might annul the death of the ungodly made-just, which he chose to have in common with them. he was shown to the ancient saints, so that they, by faith in his future Passion, just as we by faith in his past, might be made safe. for inasmuch as he is man, so far is he mediator; but inasmuch as he is the Word, he is not a middle one, because he is equal to God and God with God, and together one God.

10.43.69

quomodo nos amasti, pater bone, qui filio tuo unico non pepercisti, sed pro nobis impiis tradidisti eum! quomodo nos amasti, pro quibus ille, non rapinam arbitratus esse aequalis tibi, factus est subditus usque ad mortem crucis, unus ille in mortuis liber, potestatem habens ponendi animam suam et potestatem habens iterum sumendi eam, pro nobis tibi victor et victima, et ideo victor quia victima, pro nobis tibi sacerdos et sacrificium, et ideo sacerdos quia sacrificium, faciens tibi nos de servis filios de te nascendo, nobis serviendo. merito mihi spes valida in illo est, quod sanabis omnes languores meos per eum qui sedet ad dexteram tuam et te interpellat pro nobis; alioquin desperarem.

How you have loved us, good Father, who did not spare your only Son, but handed him over for us impious! How you have loved us, for whom he, not having considered it a rapine to be equal to you, was made subject even unto the death of the cross, that one alone free among the dead, having the authority to lay down his life and having the authority to take it again, for us to you victor and victim, and therefore victor because victim, for us to you priest and sacrifice, and therefore priest because sacrifice, making us for you, from slaves, sons, by being born of you, by serving us. With good reason a strong hope is mine in him, that you will heal all my languors through him who sits at your right hand and intercedes with you for us; otherwise I would despair.

multi enim et magni sunt idem languores, multi sunt et magni, sed amplior est medicina tua. potuimus putare verbum tuum remotum esse a coniunctione hominis et desperare de nobis, nisi caro fieret et habitaret in nobis.

for many and great are these same languors—many they are and great—but your medicine is more ample. we could have thought that your Word was remote from conjunction with man and have despaired of ourselves, unless it became flesh and dwelt in us.

10.43.70

conterritus peccatis meis et mole miseriae meae agitaveram corde meditatusque fueram fugam in solitudinem, sed prohibuisti me et confirmasti me dicens, 'ideo Christus pro omnibus mortuus est, ut qui vivunt iam non sibi vivant, sed ei qui pro ipsis mortuus est.' ecce, domine, iacto in te curam meam, ut vivam, et considerabo mirabilia de lege tua. tu scis imperitiam meam et infirmitatem meam: doce me et sana me. ille tuus unicus, in quo sunt omnes thesauri sapientiae et scientiae absconditi, redemit me sanguine suo. non calumnientur mihi superbi, quoniam cogito pretium meum, et manduco et bibo et erogo et pauper cupio saturari ex eo inter illos qui edunt et saturantur.

Terrified by my sins and by the mass of my misery, I had been agitated in my heart and had meditated a flight into solitude; but you prohibited me and confirmed me, saying, 'therefore Christ died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for him who died for them.' Behold, Lord, I cast my care upon you, that I may live, and I will consider marvels from your law. You know my imperitia and my infirmity: teach me and heal me. Your Only-begotten, in whom all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden, has redeemed me with his blood. Let not the proud calumniate me, for I consider my price, and I eat and I drink and I disburse, and, being a pauper, I desire to be satisfied from it among those who eat and are satisfied.

et laudant dominum qui requirunt eum.

and they praise the Lord who seek him.

Submitted by James J. O'Donnell (Univ. of Pennsylvania) from his new edition. Prof.

O'Donnell's introduction and commentary may be found at the original site: The Confessions of Augustine: An Electronic Edition