Augustine: CONFESSIONES

o domine, ego servus tuus, ego servus tuus et filius ancillae tuae: dirupisti vincula mea, tibi sacrificabo hostiam laudis. laudet te cor meum et lingua mea, et omnia ossa mea dicant, 'domine, quis similis tibi?' dicant, et responde mihi et dic animae meae, 'salus tua ego sum.' quis ego et qualis ego? quid non mali aut facta mea aut, si non facta, dicta mea aut, si non dicta, voluntas mea fuit?

o lord, i am your servant, i am your servant and the son of your handmaid: you have torn apart my bonds, to you i will sacrifice a victim of praise. let my heart and my tongue praise you, and let all my bones say, 'lord, who is like to you?' let them say, and answer me and say to my soul, 'i am your salvation.' who am i and of what sort am i? what evil was there not either in my deeds, or, if not in deeds, in my words, or, if not in words, in my will?

tu autem, domine, bonus et misericors, et dextera tua respiciens profunditatem mortis meae et a fundo cordis mei exhauriens abyssum corruptionis. et hoc erat totum, nolle quod volebam et velle quod volebas. sed ubi erat tam annoso tempore et de quo imo altoque secreto evocatum est in momento liberum arbitrium meum, quo subderem cervicem leni iugo tuo et umeros levi sarcinae tuae, Christe Iesu, adiutor meus et redemptor meus?

but you, Lord, good and merciful, and your right hand looking upon the depth of my death and, from the bottom of my heart, drawing out the abyss of corruption. And this was the whole of it: not to will what I was willing, and to will what you were willing. But where was, in so aged a time, and from what lowest and highest secret was my free will summoned in a moment, whereby I might subject my neck to your gentle yoke and my shoulders to your light burden, Christ Jesus, my helper and my redeemer?

quam suave mihi subito factum est carere suavitatibus nugarum, et quas amittere metus fuerat iam dimittere gaudium erat. eiciebas enim eas a me, vera tu et summa suavitas, eiciebas et intrabas pro eis omni voluptate dulcior, sed non carni et sanguini, omni luce clarior, sed omni secreto interior, omni honore sublimior, sed non sublimibus in se. iam liber erat animus meus a curis mordacibus ambiendi et adquirendi et volutandi atque scalpendi scabiem libidinum, et garriebam tibi, claritati meae et divitiis meis et saluti meae, domino deo meo.

how sweet it suddenly became to me to be without the sweetnesses of trifles, and what to lose had been a fear, now to let go was a joy. For you were casting them out from me, you, the true and highest sweetness; you were casting them out and were entering in their place, sweeter than every pleasure, but not to flesh and blood, brighter than every light, but more inward than every secret, more sublime than every honor, but not to those who are sublime in themselves. Already my mind was free from the biting cares of ambitioning and acquiring and wallowing and of scratching the scab of lusts, and I was chattering to you, my clarity and my riches and my salvation, the Lord my God.

9.2.2

et placuit mihi in conspectu tuo non tumultuose abripere sed leniter subtrahere ministerium linguae meae nundinis loquacitatis, ne ulterius pueri meditantes non legem tuam, non pacem tuam, sed insanias mendaces et bella forensia, mercarentur ex ore meo arma furori suo. et opportune iam paucissimi dies supererant ad vindemiales ferias, et statui tolerare illos, ut sollemniter abscederem et redemptus a te iam non redirem venalis. consilium ergo nostrum erat coram te, coram hominibus autem nisi nostris non erat.

and it pleased me in your sight not to snatch away tumultuously but to withdraw gently the ministry of my tongue from the market-days of loquacity, lest any further the boys, practicing, should purchase from my mouth—not your law, not your peace, but lying insanities and forensic wars—arms for their frenzy. and opportunely now very few days remained until the vintage holidays, and I resolved to endure them, so that I might depart solemnly and, redeemed by you, no longer return for sale. therefore our counsel was before you; before men, however, it was not, except before our own.

et convenerat inter nos ne passim cuiquam effunderetur, quamquam tu nobis a convalle plorationis ascendentibus et cantantibus canticum graduum dederas sagittas acutas et carbones vastatores adversus linguam subdolam, velut consulendo contradicentem et, sicut cibum adsolet, amando consumentem.

And it had been agreed among us that it should not be poured out everywhere to just anyone, although you, as we were ascending from the valley of weeping and singing the song of degrees, had given us sharp arrows and ravaging coals against the guileful tongue, which, as though advising, contradicts and, as food is wont, consumes by loving.

9.2.3

sagittaveras tu cor nostrum caritate tua et gestabamus verba tua transfixa visceribus. et exempla servorum tuorum, quos de nigris lucidos et de mortuis vivos feceras, congesta in sinum cogitationis nostrae urebant et absumebant gravem torporem, ne in ima vergeremus, et accendebant nos valide, ut omnis ex lingua subdola contradictionis flatus inflammare nos acrius posset, non extinguere. verum tamen quia propter nomen tuum, quod sanctificasti per terras, etiam laudatores utique haberet votum et propositum nostrum, iactantiae simile videbatur non opperiri tam proximum feriarum tempus, sed de publica professione atque ante oculos omnium sita ante discedere, ut conversa in factum meum ora cunctorum, intuentium quam vicinum vindemialium diem praevenire voluerim, multa dicerent, quod quasi appetissem magnus videri.

You had shot our heart with your charity, and we were bearing your words transfixed in our viscera. And the examples of your servants, whom you had made from dark ones lucid and from dead men living, heaped into the bosom of our thought, were burning and consuming the heavy torpor, lest we incline to the depths; and they were kindling us mightily, so that every blast of contradiction from the sly tongue might be able to inflame us more keenly, not extinguish. Yet truly, because, on account of your name, which you have sanctified through the lands, our vow and purpose would of course also have praisers, it seemed like boastfulness not to await the so near time of the holidays, but to depart beforehand from the public profession, set before the eyes of all, so that, with the faces of all turned to my deed, observing how near the day of the vintage-festival I had wished to forestall, they would say many things, to the effect that I had, as it were, sought to seem great.

et quo mihi erat istuc, ut putaretur et disputaretur de animo meo et blasphemaretur bonum nostrum?

and what was that to me, that it should be thought and disputed about my mind, and that our good should be blasphemed?

9.2.4

quin etiam quod ipsa aestate litterario labori nimio pulmo meus cedere coeperat et difficulter trahere suspiria doloribusque pectoris testari se saucium vocemque clariorem productioremve recusare, primo perturbaverat me quia magisterii illius sarcinam paene iam necessitate deponere cogebat aut, si curari et convalescere potuissem, certe intermittere. sed ubi plena voluntas vacandi et videndi quoniam tu es dominus oborta mihi est atque firmata (nosti, deus meus), etiam gaudere coepi quod haec quoque suberat non mendax excusatio, quae offensionem hominum temperaret, qui propter liberos suos me liberum esse numquam volebant. plenus igitur tali gaudio tolerabam illud intervallum temporis donec decurreret (nescio utrum vel viginti dies erant), sed tamen fortiter tolerabantur quia recesserat cupiditas, quae mecum solebat ferre grave negotium, et ego premendus remanseram nisi patientia succederet.

Nay even, because in that very summer my lung had begun to yield to excessive literary labor and to draw breaths with difficulty, and by pains of the chest to testify itself wounded, and to refuse a clearer or more prolonged voice, at first it had perturbed me, because it was almost by necessity compelling me to lay down the burden of that teaching office, or, if I could be cared for and recover, at least to intermit it. But when a full will of having leisure and of seeing that you are Lord arose in me and was made firm (you know, my God), I even began to rejoice that there was also at hand this not mendacious excuse, which might temper the offense of men, who on account of their children never wanted me to be free. Full therefore of such joy I was bearing that interval of time until it should run its course (I know not whether it was even twenty days), but yet they were bravely borne, because the desire had receded, which used to bring along with me a grave business, and I should have remained oppressed unless patience succeeded.

peccasse me in hoc quisquam servorum tuorum, fratrum meorum, dixerit, quod iam pleno corde militia tua passus me fuerim vel una hora sedere in cathedra mendacii, at ego non contendo. sed tu, domine misericordissime, nonne et hoc peccatum cum ceteris horrendis et funereis in aqua sancta ignovisti et remisisti mihi?

Let any one of your servants, my brothers, say that I sinned in this: that, now with a full heart for your militia, I allowed myself even for a single hour to sit in the cathedra of mendacity; yet I do not contend. But you, most merciful Lord, did you not also in the holy water pardon and remit this sin along with the other horrid and funereal ones to me?

9.3.5

macerabatur anxitudine Verecundus de isto nostro bono, quod propter vincula sua, quibus tenacissime tenebatur, deseri se nostro consortio videbat. nondum christianus, coniuge fideli, ea ipsa tamen artiore prae ceteris compede ab itinere quod aggressi eramus retardabatur, nec christianum esse alio modo se velle dicebat quam illo quo non poterat. benigne sane obtulit ut, quamdiu ibi essemus, in re eius essemus.

Verecundus was being worn thin with anxiety over this our good, because on account of his bonds, by which he was held most tenaciously, he saw himself being deserted by our consortship. Not yet a Christian, though with a faithful wife, yet by that very fetter, tighter than the rest, he was held back from the journey which we had undertaken, and he said he wished to be a Christian in no other way than that in which he could not. Kindly indeed he offered that, as long as we were there, we should be at his expense.

retribues illi, domine, in resurrectione iustorum, quia iam ipsam sortem retribuisti ei. quamvis enim absentibus nobis, cum Romae iam essemus, corporali aegritudine correptus et in ea christianus et fidelis factus ex hac vita emigravit. ita misertus es non solum eius sed etiam nostri, ne cogitantes egregiam erga nos amici humanitatem nec eum in grege tuo numerantes dolore intolerabili cruciaremur. gratias tibi, deus noster!

you will repay him, lord, in the resurrection of the just, for you have already repaid to him that very lot. for while we were absent, when we were already at rome, seized by a corporeal sickness, and in it made a christian and faithful, he emigrated from this life. thus you took pity not only on him but also on us, lest, reflecting on the outstanding humanity of our friend toward us, and not numbering him in your flock, we should be tormented with intolerable grief. thanks to you, our god!

tui sumus. indicant hortationes et consolationes tuae: fidelis promissor reddis Verecundo pro rure illo eius Cassiciaco, ubi ab aestu saeculi requievimus in te, amoenitatem sempiterne virentis paradisi tui, quoniam dimisisti ei peccata super terram in monte incaseato, monte tuo, monte uberi.

we are yours. your exhortations and consolations indicate it: as a faithful promiser you render to Verecundus, in return for that country-seat of his at Cassiciacum, where from the heat of the world we rested in you, the amenity of your ever-verdant paradise, since you remitted to him his sins upon the earth on the curdled mountain, your mountain, the rich mountain.

9.3.6

angebatur ergo tunc ipse, Nebridius autem conlaetabatur. quamvis enim et ipse nondum christianus in illam foveam perniciosissimi erroris inciderat ut veritatis filii tui carnem phantasma crederet, tamen inde emergens sic sibi erat, nondum imbutus ullis ecclesiae tuae sacramentis, sed inquisitor ardentissimus veritatis. quem non multo post conversionem nostram et regenerationem per baptismum tuum ipsum etiam fidelem catholicum, castitate perfecta atque continentia tibi servientem in Africa apud suos, cum tota domus eius per eum christiana facta esset, carne solvisti.

He therefore was being tormented at that time, but Nebridius rejoiced. For although he too, not yet a Christian, had fallen into that pit of most pernicious error, so as to believe the flesh of your Son, the Truth, to be a phantasm, yet, emerging from there, he was thus disposed, not yet imbued with any sacraments of your Church, but a most ardent inquisitor of truth. Him, not long after our conversion and regeneration through your baptism, you released from the flesh—he too being a faithful catholic, serving you with perfected chastity and continence in Africa among his own—when his whole household had through him been made Christian.

et nunc ille vivit in sinu Abraham. quidquid illud est quod illo significatur sinu, ibi Nebridius meus vivit, dulcis amicus meus, tuus autem, domine, adoptivus ex liberto filius: ibi vivit. nam quis alius tali animae locus?

and now he lives in the bosom of Abraham. whatever that is which is signified by that bosom, there my Nebridius lives, my sweet friend, but yours, O Lord, an adoptive son from a freedman: there he lives. for what other place for such a soul?

ibi vivit unde me multa interrogabat homuncionem inexpertum. iam non ponit aurem ad os meum sed spiritale os ad fontem tuum, et bibit quantum potest sapientiam pro aviditate sua sine fine felix. nec eum sic arbitror inebriari ex ea ut obliviscatur mei, cum tu, domine, quem potat ille, nostri sis memor.

There he lives, whence he used to ask me many things, me a little man, inexpert. Now he no longer puts his ear to my mouth but his spiritual mouth to your fountain, and he drinks as much wisdom as he can, in proportion to his avidity, happy without end. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated from it as to forget me, since you, Lord, whom he drinks, are mindful of us.

sic ergo eramus, Verecundum consolantes tristem salva amicitia de tali conversione nostra et exhortantes ad fidem gradus sui, vitae scilicet coniugalis, Nebridium autem opperientes, quando sequeretur, quod de tam proximo poterat. et erat iam iamque facturus, cum ecce evoluti sunt dies illi tandem. nam longi et multi videbantur prae amore libertatis otiosae ad cantandum de medullis omnibus.

Thus therefore we were, consoling Verecundus, sad, with friendship preserved concerning such our conversion, and exhorting him to the faith of his own grade, namely of conjugal life; but awaiting Nebridius—when he would follow—which, being from so near, he could. And he was now at any moment about to do it, when, behold, those days at last were unfolded. For they seemed long and many on account of the love of a leisurely freedom to sing from all the marrow.

tibi dixit cor meum, 'quaesivi vultum tuum; vultum tuum, domine, requiram.'

My heart said to you, 'I have sought your face; your face, Lord, will I seek.'

9.4.7

et venit dies quo etiam actu solverer a professione rhetorica, unde iam cogitatu solutus eram, et factum est. eruisti linguam meam unde iam erueras cor meum, et benedicebam tibi gaudens, profectus in villam cum meis omnibus. ibi quid egerim in litteris iam quidem servientibus tibi, sed adhuc superbiae scholam tamquam in pausatione anhelantibus, testantur libri disputati cum praesentibus et cum ipso me solo coram te; quae autem cum absente Nebridio, testantur epistulae.

and the day came on which I was also in act released from the rhetorical profession, from which I had already been released in thought, and it came to pass. you uprooted my tongue from where you had already uprooted my heart, and I was blessing you, rejoicing, having set out to the villa with all my people. there, what I did in letters, now indeed serving you, but still, as in a pause, panting for the school of pride, is attested by the books disputed with those present and with my very self alone before you; but the things with Nebridius absent are attested by the epistles.

et quando mihi sufficiat tempus commemorandi omnia magna erga nos beneficia tua in illo tempore, praesertim ad alia maiora properanti? revocat enim me recordatio mea, et dulce mihi fit, domine, confiteri tibi quibus internis me stimulis perdomueris, et quemadmodum me complanaveris humilitatis montibus et collibus cogitationum mearum et tortuosa mea direxeris et aspera lenieris, quoque modo ipsum etiam Alypium, fratrem cordis mei, subegeris nomini unigeniti tui, domini et salvatoris nostri Iesu Christi, quod primo dedignabatur inseri litteris nostris. magis enim eas volebat redolere gymnasiorum cedros, quas iam contrivit dominus, quam salubres herbas ecclesiasticas adversas serpentibus.

and when will time suffice me to commemorate all your great benefactions toward us in that season, especially as I hasten on to other greater matters? for my recollection calls me back, and it becomes sweet to me, Lord, to confess to you by what inward goads you have thoroughly tamed me, and how by humility you have planed down the mountains and the hills of my thoughts, and how you have directed my tortuous ways and smoothed my roughnesses; and in what manner you even brought under subjection Alypius himself also, the brother of my heart, to the name of your Only-begotten, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, which at first he disdained to be inserted into our letters. for he preferred that they exhale the cedars of the gymnasia, which the Lord has now shattered, rather than the healthful ecclesiastical herbs set against serpents.

9.4.8

quas tibi, deus meus, voces dedi, cum legerem psalmos David, cantica fidelia, sonos pietatis excludentes turgidum spiritum, rudis in germano amore tuo, catechumenus in villa cum catechumeno Alypio feriatus, matre adhaerente nobis muliebri habitu, virili fide, anili securitate, materna caritate, christiana pietate! quas tibi voces dabam in psalmis illis, et quomodo in te inflammabar ex eis et accendebar eos recitare, si possem, toto orbi terrarum adversus typhum generis humani! et tamen toto orbe cantantur, et non est qui se abscondat a calore tuo.

what voices did I give to you, my God, when I read the psalms of David, faithful canticles, sounds of piety shutting out the turgid spirit, untutored in your genuine love, a catechumen at a country-house taking holiday with the catechumen Alypius, my mother cleaving to us with womanly bearing, with manly faith, with old-woman security, with maternal charity, with Christian piety! what voices I gave to you in those psalms, and how in you I was inflamed by them and set ablaze to recite them, if I could, to the whole orb of the lands against the puffed-up pride of the human race! and yet they are sung through the whole world, and there is no one who hides himself from your heat.

quam vehementi et acri dolore indignabar manichaeis et miserabar eos rursus, quod illa sacramenta, illa medicamenta nescirent et insani essent adversus antidotum quo sani esse potuissent! vellem ut alicubi iuxta essent tunc et, me nesciente quod ibi essent, intuerentur faciem meam et audirent voces meas quando legi quartum psalmum in illo tunc otio. quid de me fecerit ille psalmus ('cum invocarem, exaudivit me deus iustitiae meae; in tribulatione dilatasti mihi.

how vehemently and with sharp pain I was indignant at the Manichaeans, and I pitied them in turn, that they did not know those sacraments, those medicaments, and were insane against the antidote by which they could have been healthy! I would that they had been somewhere near then and, I not knowing that they were there, might gaze upon my face and hear my voices when I read the fourth psalm in that leisure then. what that psalm made of me ('when I called, the God of my justice heard me; in tribulation you have enlarged me.

miserere mei, domine, et exaudi orationem meam') audirent ignorante me utrum audirent, ne me propter se illa dicere putarent quae inter haec verba dixerim, quia et re vera nec ea dicerem nec sic ea dicerem, si me ab eis audiri viderique sentirem, nec, si dicerem, sic acciperent quomodo mecum et mihi coram te de familiari affectu animi mei.

‘have mercy on me, Lord, and hear my prayer’) they might hear, I being ignorant whether they heard, lest they think that I was saying those things on account of themselves which I have said among these words; for in very truth I would neither say those things nor say them thus, if I sensed that I was being heard and seen by them; nor, if I did say them, would they receive them thus as I, with myself and to myself, before you, out of the familiar affect of my mind.

9.4.9

inhorrui timendo ibidemque inferbui sperando et exultando in tua misericordia, pater. et haec omnia exibant per oculos et vocem meam, cum conversus ad nos spiritus tuus bonus ait nobis, 'filii hominum, quousque graves corde? ut quid diligitis vanitatem et quaeritis mendacium?' dilexeram enim vanitatem et quaesieram mendacium, et tu, domine, iam magnificaveras sanctum tuum, suscitans eum a mortuis et conlocans ad dexteram tuam, unde mitteret ex alto promissionem suam, paracletum, spiritum veritatis.

I shuddered with fearing, and in the same place I burned within with hoping and exulting in your mercy, Father. And all these things were going out through my eyes and my voice, when, turned toward us, your good Spirit says to us, 'sons of men, how long will you be heavy of heart? why do you love vanity and seek a lie?' For I had loved vanity and had sought mendacity, and you, Lord, had already magnified your Holy One, raising him from the dead and setting him at your right hand, whence he might send from on high his promise, the Paraclete, the Spirit of truth.

et miserat eum iam, sed ego nesciebam. miserat eum, quia iam magnificatus erat resurgens a mortuis et ascendens in caelum. ante autem spiritus nondum erat datus, quia Iesus nondum erat clarificatus.

and he had already sent him, but I did not know it. He had sent him, because he had already been magnified, rising again from the dead and ascending into heaven. But before, the Spirit had not yet been given, because Jesus had not yet been glorified.

et clamat prophetia, 'quousque graves corde? ut quid diligitis vanitatem et quaeritis mendacium? et scitote quoniam dominus magnificavit sanctum suum.' clamat 'quousque', clamat 'scitote', et ego tamdiu nesciens vanitatem dilexi et mendacium quaesivi, et ideo audivi et contremui, quoniam talibus dicitur qualem me fuisse reminiscebar.

and prophecy cries out, 'How long heavy of heart? Why do you love vanity and seek mendacity? And know that the Lord has magnified his Holy One.' it cries 'How long,' it cries 'Know,' and I for so long, not knowing, loved vanity and sought mendacity, and therefore I heard and I trembled, since it is spoken to such as those of the kind I remembered myself to have been.

in phantasmatis enim quae pro veritate tenueram vanitas erat et mendacium. et insonui multa graviter ac fortiter in dolore recordationis meae. quae utinam audissent qui adhuc usque diligunt vanitatem et quaerunt mendacium: forte conturbarentur et evomuissent illud, et exaudires eos cum clamarent ad te, quoniam vera morte carnis mortuus est pro nobis qui te interpellat pro nobis.

for in the phantasms which I had held in place of truth there was vanity and mendacity. and I sounded many things aloud, gravely and strongly, in the pain of my recollection. would that those who even still love vanity and seek mendacity had heard these: perhaps they would be troubled and would vomit it out, and you would hear them when they cried to you, since by the true death of the flesh he died for us, who intercedes with you for us.

9.4.10

legebam, 'irascimini et nolite peccare,' et quomodo movebar, deus meus, qui iam didiceram irasci mihi de praeteritis, ut de cetero non peccarem, et merito irasci, quia non alia natura gentis tenebrarum de me peccabat, sicut dicunt qui sibi non irascuntur et thesaurizant sibi iram in die irae et revelationis iusti iudicii tui! nec iam bona mea foris erant nec oculis carneis in isto sole quaerebantur. volentes enim gaudere forinsecus facile vanescunt et effunduntur in ea quae videntur et temporalia sunt, et imagines eorum famelica cogitatione lambiunt.

I was reading, "be angry and do not sin," and how I was moved, my God, I who had already learned to be angry with myself for past things, so that henceforth I might not sin, and to be angry with good desert, because it was not another nature, that of the race of darkness, that was sinning in me, as those say who are not angry with themselves and treasure up for themselves wrath on the day of wrath and revelation of your just judgment! And now my good things were no longer outside, nor were they being sought by fleshly eyes in this sun. For those who are willing to rejoice outside easily vanish and are poured out into the things which are seen and are temporal, and they lick up the images of them with hungry thought.

et o si fatigentur inedia et dicant, 'quis ostendet nobis bona?' et dicamus, et audiant, 'signatum est in nobis lumen vultus tui, domine.' non enim lumen nos sumus quod inluminat omnem hominem, sed inluminamur a te ut, qui fuimus aliquando tenebrae, simus lux in te. o si viderent internum aeternum, quod ego quia gustaveram, frendebam, quoniam non eis poteram ostendere, si afferent ad me cor in oculis suis foris a te et dicerent, 'quis ostendet nobis bona?' ibi enim ubi mihi iratus eram, intus in cubili ubi compunctus eram, ubi sacrificaveram mactans vetustatem meam et inchoata meditatione renovationis meae sperans in te, ibi mihi dulcescere coeperas et dederas laetitiam in corde meo. et exclamabam legens haec foris et agnoscens intus, nec volebam multiplicari terrenis bonis, devorans tempora et devoratus temporibus, cum haberem in aeterna simplicitate aliud frumentum et vinum et oleum.

and O if they were wearied by fasting and should say, 'Who will show us good things?' and let us say, and let them hear, 'The light of your countenance has been stamped upon us, Lord.' For we are not the light which illuminates every man, but we are illuminated by you, that we who once were darkness may be light in you. O if they would see the internal eternal, which, because I had tasted it, I gnashed my teeth, since I could not show it to them, when they bring to me their heart in their eyes, outside of you, and say, 'Who will show us good things?' For there, where I was angry at myself, within in the bedchamber where I had been stricken, where I had sacrificed, slaughtering my oldness, and with the meditation of my renovation begun, hoping in you, there you had begun to grow sweet to me and had given joy in my heart. And I cried out reading these things outwardly and recognizing inwardly, nor did I wish to be multiplied in earthly goods, devouring times and devoured by times, since I had in eternal simplicity another grain and wine and oil.

9.4.11

et clamabam in consequenti versu clamore alto cordis mei, 'o in pace! o in idipsum!' o quid dixit? 'obdormiam et somnum capiam!' quoniam quis resistet nobis, cum fiet sermo qui scriptus est, 'absorpta est mors in victoriam'? et tu es idipsum valde, qui non mutaris, et in te requies obliviscens laborum omnium, quoniam nullus alius tecum nec ad alia multa adipiscenda quae non sunt quod tu, sed tu, domine, singulariter in spe constituisti me. legebam et ardebam, nec inveniebam quid facerem surdis mortuis ex quibus fueram, pestis, latrator amarus et caecus adversus litteras de melle caeli melleas et de lumine tuo luminosas, et super inimicis scripturae huius tabescebam.

and I was crying out in the following verse with a loud cry of my heart, 'O in peace! O in the selfsame!' O what did he say? 'I shall fall asleep and take sleep!' since who will resist us, when the word that is written shall come to pass, 'Death is swallowed up in victory'? and you are the very Selfsame, supremely, who do not change, and in you is repose, forgetting all labors, since there is no other along with you, nor a reaching toward many other things to be obtained which are not what you are, but you, Lord, have set me singularly in hope. I was reading and burning, and I did not find what I might do for the deaf dead, of whom I had been one, a plague, a bitter and blind barker against the letters honeyed with the honey of heaven and made luminous by your light, and I was wasting away over the enemies of this Scripture.

9.4.12

quando recordabor omnia dierum illorum feriatorum? sed nec oblitus sum nec silebo flagelli tui asperitatem et misericordiae tuae mirabilem celeritatem. dolore dentium tunc excruciabas me, et cum in tantum ingravesceret ut non valerem loqui, ascendit in cor meum admonere omnes meos qui aderant ut deprecarentur te pro me, deum salutis omnimodae.

When shall I recall all the things of those days of holiday? But neither have I forgotten nor will I be silent about the asperity of your scourge and the marvelous celerity of your mercy. With pain of the teeth you were then excruciating me, and when it grew so grave that I was not able to speak, there rose up in my heart to admonish all my own who were present that they should beseech you on my behalf, the God of salvation of every mode.

et scripsi hoc in cera et dedi ut eis legeretur. mox ut genua supplici affectu fiximus, fugit dolor ille. sed quis dolor?

and I wrote this on a wax tablet and gave it to be read to them. As soon as we fixed our knees in a supplicant attitude, that pain fled. But what pain?

aut quomodo fugit? expavi, fateor, domine meus deus meus. nihil enim tale ab ineunte aetate expertus fueram, et insinuati sunt mihi in profundo nutus tui.

or how did it flee? I was terrified, I confess, my Lord, my God. For I had experienced nothing of the sort from my earliest age, and your signals were insinuated into me in the deep.

et gaudens in fide laudavi nomen tuum, et ea fides me securum esse non sinebat de praeteritis peccatis meis, quae mihi per baptismum tuum remissa nondum erant.

and rejoicing in faith, I praised your name, and that faith did not permit me to be secure concerning my past sins, which had not yet been remitted to me through your baptism.

9.5.13

renuntiavi peractis vindemialibus ut scholasticis suis Mediolanenses venditorem verborum alium providerent, quod et tibi ego servire delegissem et illi professioni prae difficultate spirandi ac dolore pectoris non sufficerem. et insinuavi per litteras antistiti tuo, viro sancto Ambrosio, pristinos errores meos et praesens votum meum, ut moneret quid mihi potissimum de libris tuis legendum esset, quo percipiendae tantae gratiae paratior aptiorque fierem. at ille iussit Esaiam prophetam, credo, quod prae ceteris evangelii vocationisque gentium sit praenuntiator apertior.

I gave notice, the grape-harvest having been completed, that the Milanese should provide for their scholastics another vendor of words, because both that I had chosen to serve you and that I was not sufficient for that profession on account of difficulty of breathing and pain of the chest. And I intimated by letters to your bishop, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and my present vow, that he advise what especially from your books ought to be read by me, whereby I might become more prepared and more apt for receiving so great a grace. But he ordered the prophet Isaiah, I believe because, before the rest, he is a clearer pre-announcer of the Gospel and of the vocation of the nations.

verum tamen ego primam huius lectionem non intellegens totumque talem arbitrans distuli repetendum exercitatior in dominico eloquio.

Nevertheless, not understanding the first reading of it and supposing the whole to be of such a sort, I deferred returning to it until I should be more exercised in the Lord’s eloquence.

9.6.14

inde ubi tempus advenit quo me nomen dare oporteret, relicto rure Mediolanium remeavimus. placuit et Alypio renasci in te mecum iam induto humilitate sacramentis tuis congrua et fortissimo domitori corporis, usque ad Italicum solum glaciale nudo pede obterendum insolito ausu. adiunximus etiam nobis puerum Adeodatum ex me natum carnaliter de peccato meo.

thence, when the time arrived at which it was proper for me to give in my name, leaving the countryside we returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be reborn in you with me, now clothed with the humility congruent to your sacraments and a most strong tamer of the body, even to the glacial Italian soil to be trodden with bare foot by an unusual daring. We also joined to ourselves the boy Adeodatus, born of me carnally from my sin.

tu bene feceras eum. annorum erat ferme quindecim et ingenio praeveniebat multos graves et doctos viros. munera tua tibi confiteor, domine deus meus, creator omnium et multum potens formare nostra deformia, nam ego in illo puero praeter delictum non habebam.

you had made him well. he was nearly fifteen years of age, and by his talent he outstripped many grave and learned men. i confess your gifts to you, lord my god, creator of all things and most potent to form our deformities, for in that boy i had nothing except sin.

quod enim et nutriebatur a nobis in disciplina tua, tu inspiraveras nobis, nullus alius. munera tua tibi confiteor. est liber noster qui inscribitur 'de magistro': ipse ibi mecum loquitur.

for indeed he too was being nurtured by us in your discipline; you had inspired this in us, no one else. I confess your gifts to you. There is our book which is inscribed 'de magistro': he himself speaks with me there.

tu scis illius esse sensa omnia quae inseruntur ibi ex persona conlocutoris mei, cum esset in annis sedecim. multa eius alias mirabiliora expertus sum: horrori mihi erat illud ingenium. et quis praeter te talium miraculorum opifex?

You know that all the sentiments which are inserted there under the persona of my interlocutor are his, when he was in his sixteenth year. I experienced many other things of his, more marvelous: that genius was a horror to me. And who, besides you, is the artificer of such miracles?

cito de terra abstulisti vitam eius, et securior eum recordor non timens quicquam pueritiae nec adulescentiae nec omnino homini illi. sociavimus eum coaevum nobis in gratia tua, educandum in disciplina tua. et baptizati sumus et fugit a nobis sollicitudo vitae praeteritae.

you swiftly took away his life from the earth, and I recall him more securely, fearing nothing for childhood nor for adolescence nor at all for that man. We associated him, our coeval, with us in your grace, to be reared in your discipline. And we were baptized, and the solicitude of our past life fled from us.

nec satiabar illis diebus dulcedine mirabili considerare altitudinem consilii tui super salutem generis humani. quantum flevi in hymnis et canticis tuis, suave sonantis ecclesiae tuae vocibus commotus acriter! voces illae influebant auribus meis, et eliquabatur veritas in cor meum, et exaestuabat inde affectus pietatis, et currebant lacrimae, et bene mihi erat cum eis.

nor in those days was I sated with the marvelous sweetness of contemplating the height of your counsel over the salvation of the human race. how much I wept at your hymns and canticles, keenly moved by the sweet-sounding voices of your Church! those voices were flowing into my ears, and the truth was being clarified into my heart, and from there the affection of piety was seething, and tears were running, and it was well with me with them.

9.7.15

non longe coeperat Mediolanensis ecclesia genus hoc consolationis et exhortationis celebrare magno studio fratrum concinentium vocibus et cordibus. nimirum annus erat aut non multo amplius, cum Iustina, Valentiniani regis pueri mater, hominem tuum Ambrosium persequeretur haeresis suae causa, qua fuerat seducta ab arrianis. excubabat pia plebs in ecclesia, mori parata cum episcopo suo, servo tuo.

Not long had the Milanese church begun to celebrate this kind of consolation and exhortation, with great zeal of the brethren sounding together with voices and hearts. Indeed, it was a year, or not much more, since Justina, mother of the boy-king Valentinian, was persecuting your man Ambrose on account of her heresy, by which she had been seduced by the Arians. The pious people kept watch in the church, ready to die with their bishop, your servant.

ibi mea mater, ancilla tua, sollicitudinis et vigiliarum primas tenens, orationibus vivebat. nos adhuc frigidi a calore spiritus tui excitabamur tamen civitate attonita atque turbata. tunc hymni et psalmi ut canerentur secundum morem orientalium partium, ne populus maeroris taedio contabesceret, institutum est, ex illo in hodiernum retentum multis iam ac paene omnibus gregibus tuis et per cetera orbis imitantibus.

there my mother, your handmaid, taking the lead in solicitude and vigils, lived by prayers. we, still cold, far from the heat of your Spirit, were nevertheless being roused, with the city astonished and troubled. then it was instituted that hymns and psalms be sung according to the custom of the eastern parts, lest the people waste away with the tedium of mourning; from that time to the present it has been retained by many, indeed by almost all, of your flocks, and with the other parts of the world imitating.

9.7.16

tunc memorato antistiti tuo per visum aperuisti quo loco laterent martyrum corpora Protasii et Gervasii, quae per tot annos incorrupta in thesauro secreti tui reconderas, unde opportune promeres ad cohercendam rabiem femineam sed regiam. cum enim propalata et effossa digno cum honore transferrentur ad ambrosianam basilicam, non solum quos immundi vexabant spiritus confessis eisdem daemonibus sanabantur, verum etiam quidam plures annos caecus civis civitatique notissimus, cum populi tumultuante laetitia causam quaesisset atque audisset, exilivit eoque se ut duceret suum ducem rogavit, quo perductus impetravit admitti ut sudario tangeret feretrum pretiosae in conspectu tuo mortis sanctorum tuorum; quod ubi fecit atque admovit oculis, confestim aperti sunt. inde fama discurrens, inde laudes tuae ferventes, lucentes, inde illius inimicae animus etsi ad credendi sanitatem non applicatus, a persequendi tamen furore compressus est.

then to your aforementioned bishop you revealed by a vision the place where the bodies of the martyrs Protasius and Gervasius were lying hidden, which for so many years you had re-stored incorrupt in the treasury of your secret, whence you opportunely brought them forth to restrain a feminine yet royal rabidity. for when, once disclosed and dug up, they were being transferred with worthy honor to the Ambrosian basilica, not only were those whom unclean spirits were vexing healed, the demons themselves confessing it, but also a certain man, blind for many years, a citizen most well-known to the city, when, amid the tumultuating joy of the people, he had asked the cause and had heard it, leapt up and asked that his guide lead him there; and, being led thither, he obtained to be admitted that with a sudarium he might touch the bier of the precious-in-your-sight death of your saints; which when he did and applied it to his eyes, forthwith they were opened. thence the rumor running abroad, thence your praises burning, shining; thence the spirit of that hostile woman, though not brought over to the health of believing, was nevertheless checked from the fury of persecuting.

gratias tibi, deus meus! unde et quo duxisti recordationem meam, ut haec etiam confiterer tibi, quae magna oblitus praeterieram? et tamen tunc, cum ita fragraret odor unguentorum tuorum, non currebamus post te. ideo plus flebam inter cantica hymnorum tuorum, olim suspirans tibi et tandem respirans, quantum patet aura in domo faenea.

thanks to you, my god! whence and whither have you led my recollection, that I should even confess to you these things which, having much forgotten, I had passed over? and yet then, when the odor of your unguents was thus fragrant, we were not running after you. therefore I wept the more amid the canticles of your hymns, once sighing to you and at length respiring, as far as the aura extends in a hay-house.

9.8.17

qui habitare facis unanimes in domo, consociasti nobis et Evodium iuvenem ex nostro municipio. qui cum agens in rebus militaret, prior nobis ad te conversus est et baptizatus et relicta militia saeculari accinctus in tua. simul eramus, simul habitaturi placito sancto.

you who make men of one mind to dwell in a house, you also consociated to us Evodius, a youth from our municipality. He, while as an agens in rebus he was soldiering, was before us converted to you and baptized, and, the secular militia left, was girded in yours. We were together, together to dwell by your holy good-pleasure.

quaerebamus quisnam locus nos utilius haberet servientes tibi; pariter remeabamus in Africam. et cum apud Ostia Tiberina essemus, mater defuncta est. multa praetereo, quia multum festino: accipe confessiones meas et gratiarum actiones, deus meus, de rebus innumerabilibus etiam in silentio.

we were seeking what place would more usefully hold us, serving you; together we were returning to Africa. and when we were at Ostia on the Tiber, my mother died. i pass over many things, because i am greatly hastening: receive my confessions and thanksgivings, my God, concerning innumerable matters even in silence.

sed non praeteribo quidquid mihi anima parturit de illa famula tua, quae me parturivit et carne, ut in hanc temporalem, et corde, ut in aeternam lucem nascerer. non eius sed tua dicam dona in eam, neque enim se ipsa fecerat aut educaverat se ipsam. tu creasti eam (nec pater nec mater sciebat qualis ex eis fieret) et erudivit eam in timore tuo virga Christi tui, regimen unici tui, in domo fideli, bono membro ecclesiae tuae.

But I will not pass over whatever my soul labors to bring forth about that handmaid of yours, who brought me to birth both in flesh, that I might be born into this temporal life, and in heart, that I might be born into the eternal light. I will speak not of her gifts but of yours in her, for neither had she made herself nor had she educated herself. You created her (neither father nor mother knew what sort would be made from them), and the rod of your Christ, the governance of your Only-begotten, instructed her in your fear, in a faithful household, as a good member of your Church.

nec tantam erga suam disciplinam diligentiam matris praedicabat quantam famulae cuiusdam decrepitae, quae patrem eius infantem portaverat, sicut dorso grandiuscularum puellarum parvuli portari solent. cuius rei gratia et propter senectam ac mores optimos in domo christiana satis a dominis honorabatur. unde etiam curam dominicarum filiarum commissam diligenter gerebat et erat in eis cohercendis, cum opus esset, sancta severitate vehemens atque in docendis sobria prudentia.

nor did she proclaim so great diligence toward her own discipline on the part of her mother as that of a certain decrepit handmaid, who had carried her father as an infant, just as little ones are accustomed to be carried on the back of somewhat-grown girls. For the sake of this deed and on account of her old age and most excellent morals, she was sufficiently honored by her masters in the Christian household. Whence also, the care of the master’s daughters having been committed to her, she diligently discharged it, and in restraining them, when there was need, she was vehement with holy severity, and in teaching, with sober prudence.

nam eas, praeter illas horas quibus ad mensam parentum moderatissime alebantur, etiamsi exardescerent siti, nec aquam bibere sinebat, praecavens consuetudinem malam et addens verbum sanum: 'modo aquam bibitis, quia in potestate vinum non habetis; cum autem ad maritos veneritis factae dominae apothecarum et cellariorum, aqua sordebit, sed mos potandi praevalebit.' hac ratione praecipiendi et auctoritate imperandi frenabat aviditatem tenerioris aetatis et ipsam puellarum sitim formabat ad honestum modum, ut iam nec liberet quod non deceret.

for she, except for those hours in which at their parents’ table they were most moderately nourished, even if they blazed with thirst, did not allow them to drink water, forestalling a bad custom and adding a wholesome word: 'just now you drink water, because you do not have wine in your power; but when you come to husbands, having been made mistresses of the pantries and the cellars, water will seem filthy, but the habit of drinking will prevail.' by this method of prescribing and the authority of commanding she reined in the avidity of the more tender age and shaped even the girls’ thirst to an honorable measure, so that by now what was not seemly would not even be pleasing.

9.8.18

et subrepserat tamen, sicut mihi filio famula tua narrabat, subrepserat ei vinulentia. nam cum de more tamquam puella sobria iuberetur a parentibus de cupa vinum depromere, submisso poculo qua desuper patet, priusquam in lagunculam funderet merum, primoribus labris sorbebat exiguum, quia non poterat amplius sensu recusante. non enim ulla temulenta cupidine faciebat hoc, sed quibusdam superfluentibus aetatis excessibus, qui ludicris motibus ebulliunt et in puerilibus animis maiorum pondere premi solent.

and yet there had crept in, as your handmaid told me, her son, there had crept upon her a vinulence—a liking for wine. for when, according to custom, as a sober girl she was ordered by her parents to draw wine from the cask, with the cup lowered where it opens above, before she would pour the unmixed wine into the little flagon, she would sip a tiny amount with the tips of her lips, because she could not do more, her sense refusing. for she was not doing this from any temulent (drunken) desire, but from certain overflowings, excesses of age, which bubble up in playful motions and are wont to be pressed down in childish minds by the weight of elders.

itaque ad illud modicum cotidiana modica addendo (quoniam qui modica spernit, paulatim decidit) in eam consuetudinem lapsa erat ut prope iam plenos mero caliculos inhianter hauriret. ubi tunc sagax anus et vehemens illa prohibitio? numquid valebat aliquid adversus latentem morbum, nisi tua medicina, domine, vigilaret super nos?

And so, by adding daily modest amounts to that small portion (since he who scorns small things gradually falls), she had slipped into such a habit that she would greedily drain little cups now nearly full of unmixed wine. Where then were the sagacious old woman and that vehement prohibition? Did anything avail against the latent malady, unless your medicine, Lord, kept watch over us?

absente patre et matre et nutritoribus tu praesens, qui creasti, qui vocas, qui etiam per praepositos homines boni aliquid agis ad animarum salutem. quid tunc egisti, deus meus? unde curasti?

with father and mother and nurses absent, you were present, you who created, who call, who also through preposed men do something good toward the salvation of souls. What then did you do, my God? Whence did you heal?

unde sanasti? nonne protulisti durum et acutum ex altera anima convicium tamquam medicinale ferrum ex occultis provisionibus tuis et uno ictu putredinem illam praecidisti? ancilla enim, cum qua solebat accedere ad cupam, litigans cum domina minore, ut fit, sola cum sola, obiecit hoc crimen amarissima insultatione vocans 'meribibulam'. quo illa stimulo percussa respexit foeditatem suam confestimque damnavit atque exuit.

whence did you heal? did you not bring forth a hard and sharp reviling from another soul, as though a medicinal iron from your hidden providences, and with one blow cut off that putrescence? for a handmaid, with whom she used to go to the vat, quarreling with the younger mistress, as happens, alone with her alone, hurled this charge with a most bitter insult, calling her ‘wine-bibber’. pierced by that goad she looked upon her own foulness, and immediately condemned it and cast it off.

sicut amici adulantes pervertunt, sic inimici litigantes plerumque corrigunt. nec tu quod per eos agis, sed quod ipsi voluerunt, retribuis eis. illa enim irata exagitare appetivit minorem dominam, non sanare, et ideo clanculo, aut quia ita eas invenerat locus et tempus litis, aut ne forte et ipsa periclitaretur, quod tam sero prodidisset.

just as adulating friends pervert, so litigating enemies for the most part correct. nor do you retribute to them what you do through them, but what they themselves willed. for that woman, enraged, sought to harry the lesser mistress, not to heal; and therefore clandestinely—either because the place and time of the quarrel had thus found them, or lest perhaps she herself also be imperiled for having betrayed it so late.

at tu, domine, rector caelitum et terrenorum, ad usus tuos contorquens profunda torrentis, fluxum saeculorum ordinate turbulentum, etiam de alterius animae insania sanasti alteram, ne quisquam cum hoc advertit, potentiae suae tribuat, si verbo eius alius corrigatur quem vult corrigi.

but you, Lord, ruler of the celestial and the terrestrial, bending to your uses the deeps of the torrent, the flux of the ages orderly-turbulent, did even by the insanity of one soul heal the other, lest anyone, when he observes this, attribute it to his own power, if by his word another is corrected whom he wishes to be corrected.

9.9.19

educata itaque pudice ac sobrie potiusque a te subdita parentibus quam a parentibus tibi, ubi plenis annis nubilis facta est, tradita viro servivit veluti domino et sategit eum lucrari tibi, loquens te illi moribus suis, quibus eam pulchram faciebas et reverenter amabilem atque mirabilem viro. ita autem toleravit cubilis iniurias ut nullam de hac re cum marito haberet umquam simultatem. expectabat enim misericordiam tuam super eum, ut in te credens castificaretur.

and so, brought up chastely and soberly, and made by you subject to her parents rather than by her parents to you, when in full years she became nubile, having been given to a husband she served as though a master, and strove to win him over to you, speaking you to him by her morals, by which you made her beautiful and reverently lovable and admirable to her husband. and thus she endured the injuries of the marriage-bed in such a way that she never had any quarrel with her husband about this matter. for she was awaiting your mercy upon him, that, believing in you, he might be made chaste.

erat vero ille praeterea sicut benivolentia praecipuus, ita ira fervidus. sed noverat haec non resistere irato viro, non tantum facto sed ne verbo quidem. iam vero refractum et quietum cum opportunum viderat, rationem facti sui reddebat, si forte ille inconsideratius commotus fuerat.

He, moreover, was as exceptional in benevolence as he was fervid in anger. But she knew not to resist an angry husband, not only in deed but not even in word. Yet when he was broken and quieted, when she saw it opportune, she would render the rationale of her act, if perchance he had been moved somewhat inconsiderately.

denique cum matronae multae, quarum viri mansuetiores erant, plagarum vestigia etiam dehonestata facie gererent, inter amica conloquia illae arguebant maritorum vitam, haec earum linguam, veluti per iocum graviter admonens, ex quo illas tabulas quae matrimoniales vocantur recitari audissent, tamquam instrumenta quibus ancillae factae essent deputare debuisse; proinde memores condicionis superbire adversus dominos non oportere. cumque mirarentur illae, scientes quam ferocem coniugem sustineret, numquam fuisse auditum aut aliquo indicio claruisse quod Patricius ceciderit uxorem aut quod a se invicem vel unum diem domestica lite dissenserint, et causam familiariter quaererent, docebat illa institutum suum, quod supra memoravi. quae observabant, expertae gratulabantur; quae non observabant, subiectae vexabantur.

finally, when many matrons, whose husbands were more mild, bore the traces of blows, even with the face dishonored, in friendly conversations those women would accuse the life of their husbands, she would accuse their tongue, as it were in jest, gravely admonishing, that from the time they had heard recited those tablets which are called matrimonial, they ought to have reckoned them as instruments by which they had been made handmaids; therefore, mindful of their condition, they ought not to be proud against their masters. and when they marveled, knowing what a ferocious spouse she endured, that it had never been heard, nor made clear by any sign, that Patricius had struck his wife, or that they had disagreed with each other even for a single day in domestic strife, and they would familiarly inquire the cause, she would teach her instituted practice, which I mentioned above. those who observed it, having experienced it, congratulated themselves; those who did not observe it, being subject, were vexed.

9.9.20

socrum etiam suam primo susurris malarum ancillarum adversus se inritatam sic vicit obsequiis, perseverans tolerantia et mansuetudine, ut illa ultro filio suo medias linguas famularum proderet, quibus inter se et nurum pax domestica turbabatur, expeteretque vindictam. itaque posteaquam ille et matri obtemperans et curans familiae disciplinam et concordiae suorum consulens proditas ad prodentis arbitrium verberibus cohercuit, promisit illa talia de se praemia sperare debere, quaecumque de sua nuru sibi, quo placeret, mali aliquid loqueretur, nullaque iam audente memorabili inter se benivolentiae suavitate vixerunt.

she even overcame her mother-in-law—at first irritated against her by the whispers of wicked maidservants—by obsequious attentions, persevering in tolerance and mansuetude, so that that woman of her own accord disclosed to her son the go-between tongues of the maidservants, by which the domestic peace between herself and her daughter-in-law was being disturbed, and sought vengeance. and so, after he, both obeying his mother and caring for the discipline of the household and consulting the concord of his own, coerced with beatings those who had been exposed, at the discretion of the exposer, she promised that such persons ought to hope for such “rewards” from herself—whoever might speak anything evil to her about her daughter-in-law in order to please her; and with no one now daring, they lived between themselves in the memorable sweetness of benevolence.

9.9.21

hoc quoque illi bono mancipio tuo, in cuius utero me creasti, deus meus, misericordia mea, munus grande donaveras, quod inter dissidentesque atque discordes quaslibet animas, ubi poterat, tam se praebebat pacificam ut cum ab utraque multa de invicem audiret amarissima, qualia solet eructare turgens atque indigesta discordia, quando praesenti amicae de absente inimica per acida conloquia cruditas exhalatur odiorum, nihil tamen alteri de altera proderet nisi quod ad eas reconciliandas valeret. parvum hoc bonum mihi videretur, nisi turbas innumerabiles tristis experirer (nescio qua horrenda pestilentia peccatorum latissime pervagante) non solum iratorum inimicorum iratis inimicis dicta prodere, sed etiam quae non dicta sunt addere, cum contra homini humano parum esse debeat inimicitias hominum nec excitare nec augere male loquendo, nisi eas etiam extinguere bene loquendo studuerit: qualis illa erat docente te magistro intimo in schola pectoris.

This also to that good bondwoman of yours, in whose womb you created me, my God, my mercy, you had given as a great gift: that, among whatever souls were dissentient and discordant, wherever she could, she showed herself so pacific that, when from each she heard many most bitter things about the other—such as a swelling and undigested discord is wont to belch forth, when, to a present friend, about an absent enemy, through acid colloquies the crudity of hatreds is exhaled—yet she would disclose to neither about the other anything except what might avail to reconcile them. This small good would seem small to me, did I not sadly experience innumerable throngs (I know not by what horrendous pestilence of sins ranging most widely) not only betraying to angry enemies the sayings of angry enemies, but even adding things that were not said; whereas, contrariwise, for a human being it ought to count as too little merely not to excite nor to augment the enmities of men by ill-speaking, unless he has also endeavored to extinguish them by well-speaking: such as she was, with you teaching, the inmost master, in the school of the heart.

9.9.22

denique etiam virum suum iam in extrema vita temporali eius lucrata est tibi, nec in eo iam fideli planxit quod in nondum fideli toleraverat: erat etiam serva servorum tuorum. quisquis eorum noverat eam, multum in ea laudabat et honorabat et diligebat te, quia sentiebat praesentiam tuam in corde eius sanctae conversationis fructibus testibus. fuerat enim unius viri uxor, mutuam vicem parentibus reddiderat, domum suam pie tractaverat, in operibus bonis testimonium habebat.

finally, she even gained her husband for you when he was already at the extreme of his temporal life, nor did she lament in him, now faithful, what she had tolerated in him when not yet faithful: she was also a servant of your servants. whoever of them knew her greatly in her praised and honored and loved you, because he felt your presence in her heart, with the fruits of holy conversation as witnesses. for she had been the wife of one man, had rendered a mutual return to her parents, had piously managed her household, and had testimony in good works.

nutrierat filios, totiens eos parturiens quotiens abs te deviare cernebat. postremo nobis, domine, omnibus, quia ex munere tuo sinis loqui, servis tuis, qui ante dormitionem eius in te iam consociati vivebamus percepta gratia baptismi tui, ita curam gessit quasi omnes genuisset, ita servivit quasi ab omnibus genita fuisset.

she had nourished her children, as often bearing them in birth as often as she perceived them to deviate from you. At last for all of us, Lord—since by your gift you allow it to be said—your servants who, before her dormition, were already consociated in you, having received the grace of your baptism, she took such care as if she had begotten us all; she so served as if she had been begotten by all.

9.10.23

impendente autem die quo ex hac vita erat exitura (quem diem tu noveras ignorantibus nobis), provenerat, ut credo, procurante te occultis tuis modis, ut ego et ipsa soli staremus, incumbentes ad quandam fenestram unde hortus intra domum quae nos habebat prospectabatur, illic apud Ostia Tiberina, ubi remoti a turbis post longi itineris laborem instaurabamus nos navigationi. conloquebamur ergo soli valde dulciter et, praeterita obliviscentes in ea quae ante sunt extenti, quaerebamus inter nos apud praesentem veritatem, quod tu es, qualis futura esset vita aeterna sanctorum, quam nec oculus vidit nec auris audivit nec in cor hominis ascendit. sed inhiabamus ore cordis in superna fluenta fontis tui, fontis vitae, qui est apud te, ut inde pro captu nostro aspersi quoquo modo rem tantam cogitaremus.

But when the day was impending on which she was to go forth from this life (which day you knew, while we were ignorant), it came to pass—so I believe, you procuring it by your hidden modes—that she and I stood alone, leaning upon a certain window from which the garden within the house that held us was looked out upon, there at Ostia by the Tiber, where, removed from the crowds, after the labor of a long journey we were renewing ourselves for the voyage. We were conversing, then, alone, very sweetly, and, forgetting the things behind and stretched out toward the things before, we were inquiring together, in the presence of the Truth, which you are, of what sort the eternal life of the saints would be, which neither eye has seen nor ear heard nor has ascended into the heart of man. But we were gaping with the mouth of the heart toward the supernal streams of your fountain, the fountain of life, which is with you, that from there, according to our capacity, being sprinkled in whatever way, we might think upon a matter so great.

9.10.24

cumque ad eum finem sermo perduceretur, ut carnalium sensuum delectatio quantalibet, in quantalibet luce corporea, prae illius vitae iucunditate non comparatione sed ne commemoratione quidem digna videretur, erigentes nos ardentiore affectu in idipsum, perambulavimus gradatim cuncta corporalia et ipsum caelum, unde sol et luna et stellae lucent super terram. et adhuc ascendebamus interius cogitando et loquendo et mirando opera tua. et venimus in mentes nostras et transcendimus eas, ut attingeremus regionem ubertatis indeficientis, ubi pascis Israhel in aeternum veritate pabulo, et ibi vita sapientia est, per quam fiunt omnia ista, et quae fuerunt et quae futura sunt, et ipsa non fit, sed sic est ut fuit, et sic erit semper.

and when the discourse had been brought to that end, that the delectation of carnal senses, however great, in whatever corporeal light, seemed not worthy, not of comparison but not even of commemoration, in comparison with the joyousness of that life, raising ourselves with a more ardent affection into the selfsame, we traversed step by step all things corporeal and even the very heaven, whence sun and moon and stars shine upon the earth. and we were still ascending inwardly by thinking and speaking and marveling at your works. and we came into our minds and transcended them, that we might touch the region of unfailing abundance, where you pasture Israel forever with the fodder of truth, and there life is Wisdom, through whom all these things are made, both the things which have been and the things which are to be, and she herself is not made, but so is as she was, and so will be always.

quin potius fuisse et futurum esse non est in ea, sed esse solum, quoniam aeterna est: nam fuisse et futurum esse non est aeternum. et dum loquimur et inhiamus illi, attingimus eam modice toto ictu cordis. et suspiravimus et reliquimus ibi religatas primitias spiritus et remeavimus ad strepitum oris nostri, ubi verbum et incipitur et finitur.

nay rather, “to have been” and “to be about to be” are not in it, but “to be” only, since it is eternal; for “to have been” and “to be about to be” are not eternal. and while we speak and gape toward it, we touch it slightly with the whole stroke of the heart. and we sighed, and we left there the first-fruits of the spirit bound, and we returned to the din of our mouth, where the word both begins and is finished.

et quid simile verbo tuo, domino nostro, in se permanenti sine vetustate atque innovanti omnia?

And what is like to your Word, our Lord, abiding in itself without oldness and innovating all things?

9.10.25

dicebamus ergo, 'si cui sileat tumultus carnis, sileant phantasiae terrae et aquarum et aeris, sileant et poli, et ipsa sibi anima sileat et transeat se non se cogitando, sileant somnia et imaginariae revelationes, omnis lingua et omne signum, et quidquid transeundo fit si cui sileat omnino (quoniam si quis audiat, dicunt haec omnia, ''non ipsa nos fecimus, sed fecit nos qui manet in aeternum''), his dictis si iam taceant, quoniam erexerunt aurem in eum qui fecit ea, et loquatur ipse solus non per ea sed per se ipsum, ut audiamus verbum eius, non per linguam carnis neque per vocem angeli nec per sonitum nubis nec per aenigma similitudinis, sed ipsum quem in his amamus, ipsum sine his audiamus (sicut nunc extendimus nos et rapida cogitatione attingimus aeternam sapientiam super omnia manentem), si continuetur hoc et subtrahantur aliae visiones longe imparis generis et haec una rapiat et absorbeat et recondat in interiora gaudia spectatorem suum, ut talis sit sempiterna vita quale fuit hoc momentum intellegentiae cui suspiravimus, nonne hoc est: ''intra in gaudium domini tui''? et istud quando? an cum omnes resurgimus, sed non omnes immutabimur?'

we were saying, then, ‘if for someone the tumult of the flesh should fall silent, let the phantasies of earth and waters and air fall silent, let the heavens too fall silent, and let the soul itself fall silent to itself and pass beyond itself by not thinking of itself; let dreams and imaginary revelations fall silent, every tongue and every sign, and whatever, in passing, comes to be—if for someone it should be altogether silent (since, if anyone hears, all these say, “not we ourselves made us, but he made us who abides into eternity”), with these things said, if now they should be silent, since they have pricked up the ear to him who made them, and let him himself alone speak, not through them but through himself, that we may hear his word, not through the tongue of flesh nor through the voice of an angel nor through the sound of a cloud nor through an enigma of similitude, but him himself whom in these we love, him—without these—let us hear (just as now we stretch ourselves out and with rapid thought touch the eternal Wisdom abiding over all), if this be continued and the other visions of a far unequal kind be withdrawn, and this one seize and absorb and lay up in the inner joys its beholder, so that such may be the everlasting life as this moment of understanding has been, for which we have sighed, is not this: “enter into the joy of your Lord”? and when is that? perhaps when we all rise again, but we shall not all be changed?’

9.10.26

dicebam talia, etsi non isto modo et his verbis, tamen, domine, tu scis, quod illo die, cum talia loqueremur et mundus iste nobis inter verba vilesceret cum omnibus delectationibus suis, tunc ait illa, 'fili, quantum ad me attinet, nulla re iam delector in hac vita. quid hic faciam adhuc et cur hic sim, nescio, iam consumpta spe huius saeculi. unum erat propter quod in hac vita aliquantum immorari cupiebam, ut te christianum catholicum viderem priusquam morerer.

I was saying such things, although not in this manner and with these words; yet, Lord, you know that on that day, when we were speaking such things and this world, with all its delectations, was growing vile to us amid our words, then she said, “Son, as far as it pertains to me, I am now delighted by no thing in this life. What should I do here still, and why should I be here, I do not know, now that the hope of this age is consumed. There was one thing on account of which I was desiring to linger somewhat in this life: that I might see you a Christian Catholic before I should die.”

cumulatius hoc mihi deus meus praestitit, ut te etiam contempta felicitate terrena servum eius videam. quid hic facio?'

My God has granted this to me more abundantly, that I may also see you, with earthly felicity contemned, his servant. What am I doing here?'

9.11.27

ad haec ei quid responderim non satis recolo, cum interea vix intra quinque dies aut non multo amplius decubuit febribus. et cum aegrotaret, quodam die defectum animae passa est et paululum subtracta a praesentibus. nos concurrimus, sed cito reddita est sensui et aspexit astantes me et fratrem meum, et ait nobis quasi quaerenti similis, 'ubi eram?' deinde nos intuens maerore attonitos: 'ponitis hic' inquit 'matrem vestram.' ego silebam et fletum frenabam, frater autem meus quiddam locutus est, quo eam non in peregre, sed in patria defungi tamquam felicius optaret.

to these things what I answered to her I do not quite recollect, when meanwhile within scarcely five days, or not much more, she took to her bed with fevers. And while she was sick, on a certain day she suffered a failure of breath and was for a little withdrawn from those present. We ran together, but she was quickly restored to sense and looked at us standing by, me and my brother, and said to us, like one inquiring, 'where was I?' Then, looking at us thunderstruck with grief: 'you lay here,' she said, 'your mother.' I was silent and reined in my weeping, but my brother said something whereby he would prefer that she should die, not abroad, but in the fatherland (patria), as though more happily.

quo audito illa vultu anxio reverberans eum oculis, quod talia saperet, atque inde me intuens: 'vide' ait 'quid dicit.' et mox ambobus: 'ponite' inquit 'hoc corpus ubicumque. nihil vos eius cura conturbet. tantum illud vos rogo, ut ad domini altare memineritis mei, ubiubi fueritis.' cumque hanc sententiam verbis quibus poterat explicasset, conticuit et ingravescente morbo exercebatur.

On hearing this, she, with an anxious countenance, reproving him with her eyes, that he should savor such things, and then looking at me: 'See,' she says, 'what he says.' And soon to both of us: 'Lay,' she says, 'this body anywhere. Let no care of it trouble you. Only this I ask of you, that you remember me at the Lord’s altar, wherever you shall be.' And when she had unfolded this sentiment in the words she could, she fell silent and, as the sickness grew heavier, she was afflicted.

9.11.28

ego vero cogitans dona tua, deus invisibilis, quae immittis in corda fidelium tuorum, et proveniunt inde fruges admirabiles, gaudebam et gratias tibi agebam, recolens quod noveram, quanta cura semper aestuasset de sepulchro quod sibi providerat et praeparaverat iuxta corpus viri sui. quia enim valde concorditer vixerant, id etiam volebat, ut est animus humanus minus capax divinorum, adiungi ad illam felicitatem et commemorari ab hominibus, concessum sibi esse post transmarinam peregrinationem ut coniuncta terra amborum coniugum terra tegeretur. quando autem ista inanitas plenitudine bonitatis tuae coeperat in eius corde non esse, nesciebam et laetabar, admirans quod sic mihi apparuisset (quamquam et in illo sermone nostro ad fenestram, cum dixit, 'iam quid hic facio?', non apparuit desiderare in patria mori). audivi etiam postea quod iam cum Ostiis essemus cum quibusdam amicis meis materna fiducia conloquebatur quodam die de contemptu vitae huius et bono mortis, ubi ipse non aderam, illisque stupentibus virtutem feminae (quoniam tu dederas ei) quaerentibusque utrum non formidaret tam longe a sua civitate corpus relinquere, 'nihil' inquit 'longe est deo, neque timendum est, ne ille non agnoscat in fine saeculi unde me resuscitet.' ergo die nono aegritudinis suae, quinquagesimo et sexto anno aetatis suae, tricesimo et tertio aetatis meae, anima illa religiosa et pia corpore soluta est.

But I, indeed, thinking on your gifts, invisible God, which you infuse into the hearts of your faithful, and from which there come forth admirable fruits, rejoiced and was giving thanks to you, recalling what I knew, how much care had always been in a fever over the tomb which she had fore-provided and prepared for herself beside the body of her husband. For since they had lived very harmoniously, this too she wished—since the human mind is less capacious of divine things—to be joined to that felicity and to be commemorated by men: that, after a transmarine pilgrimage, it had been granted to her that the conjoined dust of both spouses should be covered with earth. But when by the plenitude of your goodness this vanity had begun not to be in her heart, I did not know it and I was glad, admiring that thus she had appeared to me (although even in that conversation of ours at the window, when she said, 'now what am I doing here?', she did not appear to desire to die in her fatherland). I also heard afterwards that already when we were at Ostia she, with maternal confidence, was conversing one day with certain of my friends about the contempt of this life and the good of death, where I myself was not present; and they, astonished at the virtue of the woman (since you had given it to her) and asking whether she did not fear to leave her body so far from her own city, said to them, 'nothing is far from God, nor is there need to fear lest he fail to recognize, at the end of the age, from where he shall resuscitate me.' Therefore, on the ninth day of her sickness, in the fifty-sixth year of her age, in the thirty-third year of my age, that religious and pious soul was released from the body.

9.12.29

premebam oculos eius, et confluebat in praecordia mea maestitudo ingens et transfluebat in lacrimas, ibidemque oculi mei violento animi imperio resorbebant fontem suum usque ad siccitatem, et in tali luctamine valde male mihi erat. tum vero ubi efflavit extremum, puer Adeodatus exclamavit in planctu atque ab omnibus nobis cohercitus tacuit. hoc modo etiam meum quiddam puerile, quod labebatur in fletus, iuvenali voce cordis cohercebatur et tacebat.

I was pressing her eyes, and a huge sadness was flowing together into my precordia and was overflowing into tears; and there my eyes, under the mind’s violent command, were reabsorbing their own fountain even to dryness, and in such a wrestling it went very ill with me. Then indeed, when she breathed out her last, the boy Adeodatus exclaimed in lamentation, and, being coerced by all of us, fell silent. In this way also a certain puerile something of mine, which was slipping into tears, was coerced by the youthful voice of my heart and was silent.

neque enim decere arbitrabamur funus illud questibus lacrimosis gemitibusque celebrare, quia his plerumque solet deplorari quaedam miseria morientium aut quasi omnimoda extinctio. at illa nec misere moriebatur nec omnino moriebatur. hoc et documentis morum eius et fide non ficta rationibusque certis tenebamus.

for we did not deem it fitting to celebrate that funeral with tearful lamentations and groans, because by these there is for the most part wont to be bewailed some misery of the dying, or as if an all-encompassing extinction. But she was neither dying miserably nor dying entirely. This we held by the documents of her morals, and by unfeigned faith, and by certain reasons.

9.12.30

quid erat ergo quod intus mihi graviter dolebat, nisi ex consuetudine simul vivendi, dulcissima et carissima, repente dirupta vulnus recens? gratulabar quidem testimonio eius, quod in ea ipsa ultima aegritudine obsequiis meis interblandiens appellabat me pium et commemorabat grandi dilectionis affectu numquam se audisse ex ore meo iaculatum in se durum aut contumeliosum sonum. sed tamen quid tale, deus meus, qui fecisti nos, quid comparabile habebat honor a me delatus illi et servitus ab illa mihi?

what then was it that pained me grievously within, if not from the consuetude of living together, sweetest and dearest, suddenly torn—a fresh wound? I did indeed rejoice at her testimony, that in that very last sickness, amid my services, soothingly she used to address me as dutiful, and with the affect of great affection recalled that she had never heard from my mouth any hard or contumelious sound hurled against her. but yet, my God, who made us, what was there of such sort—what had anything comparable—the honor rendered by me to her and the service from her to me?

quoniam itaque deserebar tam magno eius solacio, sauciabatur anima et quasi dilaniabatur vita, quae una facta erat ex mea et illius.

Since, therefore, I was being bereft of so great a solace in her, my soul was wounded, and my life was, as it were, lacerated, that life which had been made one out of mine and hers.

9.12.31

cohibito ergo a fletu illo puero, psalterium arripuit Evodius et cantare coepit psalmum. cui respondebamus omnis domus: 'misericordiam et iudicium cantabo tibi, domine.' audito autem quid ageretur, convenerunt multi fratres ac religiosae feminae et, de more illis quorum officium erat funus curantibus, ego in parte, ubi decenter poteram, cum eis qui me non deserendum esse censebant, quod erat tempori congruum disputabam eoque fomento veritatis mitigabam cruciatum tibi notum, illis ignorantibus et intente audientibus et sine sensu doloris me esse arbitrantibus. at ego in auribus tuis, ubi eorum nullus audiebat, increpabam mollitiam affectus mei et constringebam fluxum maeroris, cedebatque mihi paululum.

Therefore, with that boy restrained from weeping, Evodius seized the psalter and began to sing a psalm, to which we, the whole household, responded: 'I will sing of mercy and judgment to you, O Lord.' But when it was heard what was being done, many brothers and religious women gathered, and, according to custom, while those whose office it was were attending to the funeral, I, for my part—where I could properly—was discoursing with those who judged that I ought not to be deserted about what was congruent to the time, and with that fomentation of truth I was mitigating the torment known to you, they being unaware, and listening intently, and supposing that I was without a sense of grief. But I, in your ears, where none of them heard, was rebuking the softness of my affect and was constricting the flux of sorrow, and it yielded to me a little.

rursusque impetu suo ferebatur non usque ad eruptionem lacrimarum nec usque ad vultus mutationem, sed ego sciebam quid corde premerem. et quia mihi vehementer displicebat tantum in me posse haec humana, quae ordine debito et sorte conditionis nostrae accidere necesse est, alio dolore dolebam dolorem et duplici tristitia macerabar.

and again it was borne by its own impetus, not as far as an eruption of tears nor as far as a change of countenance, but I knew what I was pressing down in my heart. and because it displeased me vehemently that these human things could have so much power in me—which, in the due order and the lot of our condition, must happen—I was grieving the grief with another grief, and I was worn with a twofold sadness.

9.12.32

cum ecce corpus elatum est, imus, redimus sine lacrimis. nam neque in eis precibus quas tibi fudimus, cum offerretur pro ea sacrificium pretii nostri iam iuxta sepulchrum, posito cadavere priusquam deponeretur, sicut illic fieri solet, nec in eis ergo precibus flevi, sed toto die graviter in occulto maestus eram et mente turbata rogabam te, ut poteram, quo sanares dolorem meum, nec faciebas, credo commendans memoriae meae vel hoc uno documento omnis consuetudinis vinculum etiam adversus mentem, quae iam non fallaci verbo pascitur. visum etiam mihi est ut irem lavatum, quod audieram inde balneis nomen inditum quia graeci balanion dixerint, quod anxietatem pellat ex animo.

when, lo, the body was carried out; we go, we return without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured out to you, when the sacrifice of our redemption-price was being offered for her already near the sepulchre, the corpse having been set down before it should be laid to rest, as there it is wont to be done, nor in those prayers, therefore, did I weep; but the whole day I was gravely sad in secret, and with a troubled mind I besought you, as I could, that you would heal my pain, and you did not do so, I believe commending to my memory by this one document at least the bond of all consuetude even against the mind, which now is not nourished by a fallacious word. It also seemed to me to go to bathe, because I had heard that from this the name has been given to baths, since the Greeks have said balanion, because it drives anxiety out of the soul.

ecce et hoc confiteor misericordiae tuae, pater orphanorum, quoniam lavi et talis eram qualis priusquam lavissem, neque enim exudavit de corde meo maeroris amaritudo. deinde dormivi et evigilavi, et non parva ex parte mitigatum inveni dolorem meum atque, ut eram in lecto meo solus, recordatus sum veridicos versus Ambrosii tui. tu es enim,

Behold, this too I confess to your mercy, Father of orphans, that I laved myself, and I was such as I had been before I had laved, for the bitterness of grief did not exude from my heart. Then I slept and awoke, and I found my pain mitigated in no small part; and, as I was alone upon my bed, I remembered the veridical verses of your Ambrose. For you are, indeed,

deus, creator omnium"
"polique rector vestiens"
"diem decoro lumine,"
"noctem sopora gratia,"
"artus solutos ut quies"
"reddat laboris usui"
"mentesque fessas allevet"
"luctuque solvat anxios."
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"God, creator of all"
"and ruler of the sky, clothing"
"the day with decorous light,"
"the night with soporific grace,"
"that rest may restore loosened limbs"
"to the use of labor,"
"and may alleviate weary minds"
"and release the anxious from grief."
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9.12.33

atque inde paulatim reducebam in pristinum sensum ancillam tuam conversationemque eius piam in te et sancte in nos blandam atque morigeram, qua subito destitutus sum, et libuit flere in conspectu tuo de illa et pro illa, de me et pro me. et dimisi lacrimas quas continebam, ut effluerent quantum vellent, substernens eas cordi meo. et requievit in eis, quoniam ibi erant aures tuae, non cuiusquam hominis superbe interpretantis ploratum meum. et nunc, domine, confiteor tibi in litteris: legat qui volet, et interpretetur ut volet, et si peccatum invenerit, flevisse me matrem exigua parte horae, matrem oculis meis interim mortuam quae me multos annos fleverat ut oculis tuis viverem, non inrideat sed potius, si est grandi caritate, pro peccatis meis fleat ipse ad te, patrem omnium fratrum Christi tui.

and from there little by little I was bringing back into my former sense your handmaid and her conversation (conduct), pious toward you and, in a holy way toward us, caressingly gentle and compliant, of which I was suddenly bereft; and it pleased me to weep in your sight about her and for her, about me and for me. and I let go the tears which I was holding in, that they might flow out as much as they wished, laying them beneath my heart. and it rested in them, because there were your ears there, not those of any man arrogantly interpreting my weeping. and now, lord, I confess to you in letters: let whoever wills read, and interpret as he wills; and if he shall find it a sin that I wept for my mother for a small part of an hour, my mother meanwhile dead to my eyes, who had wept for me for many years that I might live to your eyes, let him not mock but rather, if he has great charity, let him himself weep to you for my sins, the father of all the brothers of your Christ.

9.13.34

ego autem, iam sanato corde ab illo vulnere in quo poterat redargui carnalis affectus, fundo tibi, deus noster, pro illa famula tua longe aliud lacrimarum genus, quod manat de concusso spiritu consideratione periculorum omnis animae quae in Adam moritur. quamquam illa in Christo vivificata etiam nondum a carne resoluta sic vixerit, ut laudetur nomen tuum in fide moribusque eius, non tamen audeo dicere, ex quo eam per baptismum regenerasti, nullum verbum exisse ab ore eius contra praeceptum tuum. et dictum est a veritate filio tuo, 'si quis dixerit fratri suo, ''fatue'', reus erit gehennae ignis'; et vae etiam laudabili vitae hominum, si remota misericordia discutias eam!

I, however, my heart now healed from that wound in which a carnal affection could be refuted, pour out to you, our God, on behalf of that your handmaid a far different kind of tears, which flows from a shaken spirit at the consideration of the perils of every soul that dies in Adam. Although she, vivified in Christ even before she was released from the flesh, so lived that your name is praised in her faith and morals, yet I do not dare to say that, from the time you regenerated her through baptism, no word went forth from her mouth against your precept. And it was said by truth, your Son, 'if anyone shall say to his brother, "fool," he will be guilty of the Gehenna of fire'; and woe even to the laudable life of men, if, mercy removed, you examine it!

quia vero non exquiris delicta vehementer, fiducialiter speramus aliquem apud te locum. quisquis autem tibi enumerat vera merita sua, quid tibi enumerat nisi munera tua? o si cognoscant se homines homines, et qui gloriatur, in domino glorietur!

Since indeed you do not seek out delicts vehemently, we confidently hope for some place with you. But whoever enumerates to you his true merits, what does he enumerate to you except your gifts? O if only men would know themselves to be men, and let him who glories, glory in the Lord!

9.13.35

ego itaque, laus mea et vita mea, deus cordis mei, sepositis paulisper bonis eius actibus, pro quibus tibi gaudens gratias ago, nunc pro peccatis matris meae deprecor te. exaudi me per medicinam vulnerum nostrorum, quae pependit in ligno et sedens ad dexteram tuam te interpellat pro nobis. scio misericorditer operatam et ex corde dimisisse debita debitoribus suis. dimitte illi et tu debita sua, si qua etiam contraxit per tot annos post aquam salutis.

I therefore, my praise and my life, God of my heart, setting aside for a little while her good deeds, for which, rejoicing, I give thanks to you, now for the sins of my mother I beseech you. Hear me through the medicine of our wounds, which hung upon the tree and, sitting at your right hand, intercedes with you for us. I know that she acted mercifully and from the heart remitted debts to her debtors. Do you also remit to her her debts, if she likewise contracted any through so many years after the water of salvation.

dimitte, domine, dimitte, obsecro, ne intres cum ea in iudicium. superexultet misericordia iudicio, quoniam eloquia tua vera sunt et promisisti misericordiam misericordibus. quod ut essent tu dedisti eis, qui misereberis cui misertus eris, et misericordiam praestabis cui misericors fueris.

Forgive, Lord, forgive, I beseech, do not enter with her into judgment. Let mercy exult over judgment, since your utterances are true and you have promised mercy to the merciful. In order that they might be such, you have given it to them—you will have mercy on whom you will have mercy, and you will bestow mercy on him to whom you will have been merciful.

9.13.36

et credo, iam feceris quod te rogo, sed voluntaria oris mei approba, domine. namque illa imminente die resolutionis suae non cogitavit suum corpus sumptuose contegi aut condiri aromatis aut monumentum electum concupivit aut curavit sepulchrum patrium. non ista mandavit nobis, sed tantummodo memoriam sui ad altare tuum fieri desideravit, cui nullius diei praetermissione servierat, unde sciret dispensari victimam sanctam qua deletum est chirographum quod erat contrarium nobis, qua triumphatus est hostis computans delicta nostra et quaerens quid obiciat, et nihil inveniens in illo, in quo vincimus.

and I believe you have already done what I ask of you, but approve the voluntary offerings of my mouth, Lord. For when the day of her dissolution was impending, she did not think that her body should be sumptuously covered or embalmed with aromatics, nor did she desire a chosen monument or care for the ancestral sepulcher. She did not enjoin these things upon us, but only desired that a remembrance of herself be made at your altar, which she had served with no day omitted—where she knew the holy victim is dispensed, by which the chirograph that was against us has been blotted out; by which the enemy—tallying our offenses and seeking what he might object—has been triumphed over, and finds nothing in Him, in whom we conquer.

quis ei refundet innocentem sanguinem? quis ei restituet pretium quo nos emit, ut nos auferat ei? ad cuius pretii nostri sacramentum ligavit ancilla tua animam suam vinculo fidei. nemo a protectione tua dirumpat eam; non se interponat nec vi nec insidiis leo et draco.

who will repay to him the innocent blood? who will restitute to him the price by which he bought us, so as to carry us off from him? to the sacrament of this our price your handmaid bound her soul with the bond of faith. let no one tear her from your protection; let not the lion and the dragon interpose themselves, neither by force nor by snares.

neque enim respondebit illa nihil se debere, ne convincatur et obtineatur ab accusatore callido, sed respondebit dimissa debita sua ab eo cui nemo reddet, quod pro nobis non debens reddidit.

for she will not answer that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and held by the crafty accuser, but she will answer that her debts have been remitted by him to whom no one will render back what, not owing it, he paid on our behalf.

9.13.37

sit ergo in pace cum viro, ante quem nulli et post quem nulli nupta est, cui servivit fructum tibi afferens cum tolerantia, ut eum quoque lucraretur tibi. et inspira, domine meus, deus meus, inspira servis tuis, fratribus meis, filiis tuis, dominis meis, quibus et corde et voce et litteris servio, ut quotquot haec legerint, meminerint ad altare tuum Monnicae, famulae tuae, cum Patricio, quondam eius coniuge, per quorum carnem introduxisti me in hanc vitam, quemadmodum nescio. meminerint cum affectu pio parentum meorum in hac luce transitoria, et fratrum meorum sub te patre in matre catholica, et civium meorum in aeterna Hierusalem, cui suspirat peregrinatio populi tui ab exitu usque ad reditum, ut quod a me illa poposcit extremum uberius ei praestetur in multorum orationibus per confessiones quam per orationes meas.

let her therefore be in peace with her husband, before whom to none and after whom to none she was wed, whom she served, bringing fruit to you with tolerance, that she might also win him for you. and inspire, my Lord, my God, inspire your servants, my brothers, your sons, my masters, whom I serve with heart and voice and letters, that as many as shall read these things may remember at your altar Monnica, your handmaid, together with Patricius, once her spouse, through whose flesh you brought me into this life, in what manner I know not. may they remember with pious affection my parents in this transitory light, and my brethren under you as Father in the Catholic mother, and my fellow-citizens in the eternal Jerusalem, for which the peregrination of your people sighs from exit even to return, so that what she asked of me as her last request may be more abundantly granted to her in the prayers of many through these Confessions than through my prayers.

Submitted by James J. O'Donnell (Univ. of Pennsylvania) from his new edition. Prof.

O'Donnell's introduction and commentary may be found at the original site: The Confessions of Augustine: An Electronic Edition